I've tried editing down my post on chapter thirteen because, frankly, it is turning into a beast. There is just so much wrong with this chapter that I find myself constantly going into great detail to describe something else Meyer fucked up royally. This is really getting ridiculous.
This post is longer than the rest, and may even be longer than the chapter itself. That is how much shit is compacted into this one chapter. Truly this chapter of Twilight is a work of art, if only for the sheer amount of FAIL Meyer has managed to condense into it.
Therefore, rather than making you wait even longer for me to finish the post, edit the post, and then cut down the post to make it a manageable length, the 13th chapter of Twilight will instead be a two-parter. This will allow me to bring you the first part MUCH more quickly, and I will no longer need let the world think I am dead until I can control the raging spirit that dwells within me.
Look forward to Twilight: Chapter Thirteen, Part the First, very soon.
Chapter Thirteen News!
My mind is going.
I just completed the edits of the novel I am writing. Currently I am in the process of having some people read it for feedback and giving it another once over to catch any lingering errors and possible problems with the plot (in other words, everything Meyer didn't do).
Don't worry, fair readers. I haven't forgotten you. I am working on chapter thirteen of this blog even now. This latest entry is a test of my very sanity as I slog through all of the verbal diarrhea that Meyer has passed for good literature. God this chapter is awful.
So ... many ... misused ... synonyms!
Twilight - Chapter Twelve
The Misadventures of Elf Willow and Edward the Burglar.
I am really dreading this. Just one more chapter to go until the part you've all been waiting for. I can barely contain my abject horror at the very thought of plowing through the scene on which this whole series was based. Anyway, no use crying about it. Let's dig in, shall we?
The chapter begins with Charlie greeting Billy and chastising Jacob for driving at a young age. Jacob explains that they get learner's permits early on the reservation, and Charlie calls bullshit. Isn't Jacob 15? You DO know that you can legally obtain a learners permit in Washington at age 15, right? Once again, Meyer didn't do research. (+1 Stupidity)
Charlie is surprised by the sudden visit and Billy hopes that the timing of his arrival isn't bad. Does NOBODY in this book have a phone? They make planning social calls very easy, you know! It turns out that Billy came over to watch the game because his TV broke last week. Apparently his phone died in the same tragic accident that claimed the life of his television.
Billy says that Jacob was anxious to see Bella, which embarrasses him and causes Bella to feel a moment's regret at flirting with him and leading him on at the beach. In this situation the honorable thing to do would be to let him down gently and tell him that there is nothing going on between them. It's not an easy thing to do, but this is the kind of thing that can poison a friendship otherwise. So, of course, the thought never enters Bella's head. Playing the good housewife, she asks if they want something to eat. They decline and she asks Charlie if he's hungry and ... wait a moment, did she just call him Charlie to his face?
"How about you, Charlie?" I called over my shoulder as I fled around the corner.
Wow. It's one thing to refer to one's parent by his name when he's not around, but to do so to his face is just plain disrespectful, especially in front of company. Charlie says "sure," not even noticing the slight. Again, wow. Bella had said previously that she wasn't allowed to call him "Charlie" to his face, and in chapter one she nearly slipped and called him "Charlie" out of frustration. Well, she just did that here without any negative repercussions whatsoever. Not only does this show disrespect, it also shows a lack of continuity. (+1 Stupidity)
She makes grilled cheese sandwiches and slices a tomato. I hope she plans to make it of the fried green variety and is not actually thinking of putting it in the cheese sandwich (yuck!). Jacob comes over to chat. I'm actually glad he's here, because Jacob is the one character in this book that I honestly like. He has an actual personality, for one. I am convinced that Jacob is an accident and Meyer doesn't even realize that she is doing something competent for once.
They talk about car parts for a moment, and I am glad to see someone in this book has a real hobby. Jacob asks if there's something wrong with the truck, because Bella hasn't been driving it. I'm actually going to give Meyer credit for this one. I was just starting to think "doesn't anyone notice that she hasn't been using her truck with Edward driving her everywhere?" I didn't think she'd catch that, but she has. A gold star and a cookie for Meyer.
Bella says that she got a ride with someone else, and Jacob comments on the car. He doesn't know Edward, so he didn't recognize his car. Bella tries to dodge the subject, but caves in immediately after Jacob asks who it was only once. Jack Bauer would be proud. Jacob laughs when she tells him about Edward and dismisses his father's concerns as superstition. Again, I like this character. This is the kind of reaction you'd expect from someone being told about vampires and werewolves.
Bella asks if Billy would bring up Edward to Charlie, and here we get an interesting observation from Jacob.
"I doubt it," he finally answered. "I think Charlie chewed him out pretty good last time. They haven't spoken much since--tonight is sort of a reunion, I think. I don't think he'd bring it up again."
So let me get this straight. The Cullens are so awesome in Charlie's mind that he was willing to put a strain on his friendship with Billy over some real or imagined insult against them, and Bella insists on hiding Edward from him BECAUSE? Judging from this, I'd think the man would be thrilled that Bella is involved with someone from the family he loves so much.
Jacob tries to talk to her some more, but Bella ignores him so she can listen in on Billy's conversation out of fear that he might tell Charlie about Edward. She goes so far as to stay with them all night and neglect her homework because she has to stop him if he decides to tell Charlie. Why exactly is she that afraid of her father finding out? Considering the glowing praise he'd heaped on the Cullens in chapter two, and the display of passion he feels for the Cullen family that was just recently described, you'd think Bella would realize that Charlie would not be opposed to Edward in the slightest. Even Edward had asked Bella, multiple times, to tell her father, so there really is no conflict. Charlie wouldn't mind, and Edward wants Charlie to know. The only thing stopping this is Bella.
They leave, and Charlie wants to talk to Bella. At first she wonders if Billy had told Charlie about Edward, but notes that Charlie is still smiling and concludes that he doesn't know. I'm not going to point out, yet again, how stupid that is. There is no real reason for this at all. This is just Meyer using false tension to make Bella's relationship more dramatic, even when it doesn't make any sense. Note to Meyer: you can't just have your characters overreact to a situation and call it conflict. There has to be an actual source for conflict in order for it to be real.
For example, if Charlie actually hated the Cullens and was just itching to arrest one of them, THAT would make Bella's reaction to her father very authentic. That would be real conflict. Instead we get "oh, my father loves the Cullens but I'm going to hide Edward from him 'just because.' Quiver at my epic conflict-writing skills!"
It would even make more sense in context with the rest of the story. The lone officer casting a suspicious eye at the family of pale-skinned people who keep to themselves and don't fit in with the rest of the town. He would be suspicious of their motives but unable to pin anything solid on them. Into the scene comes Bella, intimately involved with the enemy. You see? That has the making of an actual plot. I would be interested in reading that.
But NO, everything has to be all buttercups and rainbows in Meyerland, so devoid of anything negative that she has to try to pull imaginary conflict out of thin air. But enough ranting, there's more chapter to read. (+1 Stupidity)
Charlie asks Bella about her day, and she searches for details she can "safely share." I'm just going to pretend that Charlie is a badass cop hot on the trail of the Cullens. It helps to make this scene make sense and is just more interesting. This is what this book is reducing me to. I have to make stuff up in order to stay interested enough to continue reading.
She tells him about her badminton games and says that Mike is her partner. Charlie is thrilled by this and suggests that Bella ask him to the dance. Bella protests that she can't dance, and that's the end of that. Didn't Bella say last chapter that Charlie "lived in fear" of her meeting a boy that she likes? Truly this is a man haunted by unspeakable terror, how he so cheerfully makes suggestions on boys she could possibly date. Charlie mentions that he has a fishing trip planned for Saturday, but is perfectly willing to cancel that so he can spend time with Bella, should she choose to stay home that day. Again, I just have to wonder why Bella doesn't give the man any credit as a human being.
Bella goes to sleep, but is too tired to dream. Um, how does that work exactly? Edward is waiting for Bella as soon as Charlie leaves. Once again her heart stops beating, this time because he grinned. Bella really should have her ticker checked out; a heart condition may run in her family.
I couldn't imagine how an angel could be any more glorious. There was nothing about him that could be improved upon.
Didn't Bella once protest to Jessica that there was so much more to Edward than just his looks? Funny how she doesn't seem to mention anything else about him except how OMG GORGEOUS he is. This book is superficial to such a degree that I will say that any woman who ever said that men are pigs, but loves this book that fixates on outward appearances, is a hypocrite.
Edward asks how she slept, and after Bella comments on how appealing his voice is she asks what he did last night, and once again Edward refuses to answer. He asks her questions about the people in her life, and again we don't get to see the answers to his questions. Edward is surprised that Bella never dated before. Frankly, considering how she goes out of her way to alienate people, I am not surprised.
"I should have let you drive yourself today," he announced, apropos of nothing, while I chewed.
Suddenly, unexpectedly, without warning. These are three examples of things that would have worked better than "apropos of nothing." There are just so many ways I could rewrite that sentence. "I should have let you drive yourself today," he said with a tinge of regret. This book is making my inner editor do cartwheels. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Edward says that he'll be leaving with Alice after class today, but he doesn't want Bella to have to walk home. His solution is to fetch Bella's car before school ends so she can drive home herself.
"I don't have my key with me," I sighed. "I really don't mind walking." What I minded was losing my time with him.
Oh well, I suppose that's the end of that. Bella will just have to walk. It sucks, I know, but that's how it is.
He shook his head. "Your truck will be here, and the key will be in the ignition--unless you're afraid someone might steal it."
Did Edward just tell Bella that he's going to break into her house?
"All right," I agreed, pursing my lips. I was pretty sure my key was in the pocket of a pair of jeans I wore Wednesday, under a pile of clothes in the laundry room. Even if he broke into my house, or whatever he was planning, he'd never find it.
My God, he really plans to break into her house ... again. (+1 Stupidity)
Edward: I don't want you to walk home, so I'm going to break into your house, go through your things, and take your key so your truck will be waiting for you.
Bella: Oh, go right ahead. I'm sure my policeman father will have absolutely no problem with you burglarizing his house, and I, for one, will not even stop to think that this means you'll be going through my personal things. Just one question, though.
Edward: Sure, shoot.
Bella: If you have the time to go from the school to my house, break in, and come back with my truck, why can't you just take me with you so I can go inside and get my key myself? The school is in walking distance, so it's not like it would take that long for me to drive back during the lunch period.
Edward: Because SHUT UP!
Bella: You just want to go through my dirty laundry, don't you?
Edward: CHAGRIN!
Bella asks where Edward is going, and he says that he's going to do some illegal poaching of the local wildlife, a crime punishable by a stiff fine and/or jail time. He's doing this because he wants to feed before being alone with Bella, to help keep himself from murdering her. Lovely relationship they have here, huh?
His face grew morose ... and pleading. "You can always cancel, you know."
People in this book have amazingly expressive faces, don't they? Also, WHAT THE HELL? Edward is the one who invited himself to Bella's trip. Her original plan hadn't included him, but he talked her into changing her plans to include him. Now he's playing innocent and acting as if he had nothing to do with it. Going on a private retreat was HIS idea. Bella was going to go to Seattle, but no, he wanted to go somewhere else because he didn't want to let her out of his sight. If being alone with Bella is such a huge problem, why did he insist on being alone with her in the first place? THINK, MCFLY, THINK!
Bella's reaction is just plain sick.
I refused to be convinced to fear him, no matter how real the danger might be. It doesn't matter, I repeated in my head.
It doesn't matter? IT DOESN'T MATTER? This girl is insane! In a nutshell she just said that Edward could be every bit as dangerous as he claims; he could even be a serial murderer for all she knows, and even if he is some depraved lunatic she doesn't care. Even if she is in real danger she will dismiss it, because it doesn't matter to her. In other words, having a hot boyfriend is more important to Bella THAN HER OWN LIFE! There is stupid, and then there is Darwin award stupid! Double stupidity points for her. (+2 Stupidity)
Sorry, I'm just reeling from that paragraph. She's like a lemming who would thoughtlessly jump off a cliff at Edward's behest. Oh, I'm sorry, she ACTUALLY DOES jump off a cliff in New Moon. Just ... wow. Not only is Bella a chronically stupid damsel in distress with no personality to speak of, she doesn't even have a basic sense of self-preservation. What's even worse is that THIS is what young girls are getting their ideas of romance from! That thought makes me sad for humanity.
"No," I whispered, glancing back at his face. "I can't."
Yes you can, you stupid bitch! Don't confuse "can't" with "won't." Just because you don't want to doesn't mean it's not possible. Now that I think about it, maybe she really can't. I mean, it's entirely possible for her to refuse, but given Edward's attitude I think that course may eventually end with something like this.
Bella asks when she'll see him tomorrow, depressed because he won't see her after school. They start making plans, and then Edward asks what Charlie might think if Bella doesn't come home at all. This question ties into a statement Edward had made previously about how he might not bring Bella back (in other words, kidnap her). Bella doesn't notice the implication and plays it off, which upsets Edward. They scowl at each other. She changes the subject when she's sure that she's lost the "glowering contest." Seriously, why is every character in this book constantly scowling and glowering and grimacing?
She asks what they'll be hunting, and Edward's response is whatever they happen to find. Um ... question. Vampires need a regular supply of blood, right? Well, in that case, why go hunting? Wouldn't it be more efficient to get a few pets, perhaps raise some livestock, harvest blood from them and keep it in cold storage? Carlisle is a doctor, right? Why hasn't he cultivated some connections to obtain a supply of donor blood? I'm just saying, raising pets or livestock would result in a self-replenishing supply of blood that they can tap into without drawing any suspicion. At the rate they're hunting, wouldn't the authorities eventually notice that their animals are vanishing out of season? That's not good for their cover at all.
Sorry, I was being logical again. I forgot that logic doesn't apply in Meyerland.
Bella asks why he's hunting with Alice, and Edward informs her that she's the most supportive of his relationship with Bella. His other siblings are all wondering why he's so obsessed and doesn't just leave her alone. Now that is just plain funny. I mean, imagine it this way.
Edward: Bella, I can't stop thinking about you. I don't want to ever be apart from you!
Bella: Oh, Edward, you are so hot!
Edward: What are you saying? I'm dangerous, you should stay away from me! By the way, mind if I drive you to Seattle?
Bella: Um ... okay?
Edward: You foolish girl! Can't you see that I'm dangerous? If you were smart you'd avoid me!
Bella: But you just offered ...
Edward: By the way, Seattle is no good for me. Mind if we go someplace private instead?
Bella: Um ... uh ... alright?
Edward: YOU FOOL! I look at you pleadingly now. Call off the trip. I'm too dangerous! What time should I pick you up? I can be there whenever if you plan to sleep in.
Bella: But you just said ... oh, forget it. How's your family anyway?
Edward: They're wondering why I don't just leave you alone
Bella: So why don't you?
Edward: Because you won't let me go.
Bella: But you're the one who keeps following me everywhere I go. If even your own family is wondering why you don't just leave me alone, doesn't that say something about you?
Edward: I SPARKLE IN THE SUNLIGHT!
Edward Cullen, ladies. To call him the master of mixed signals would be a supreme understatement.
Edward's answer to why he keeps stalking Bella is because she's a super special snowflake, unlike any other human being he has ever met in his century of life. Why not just come out and say that Bella is a Mary Sue avatar for the author and be done with it? Edward claims to have a higher than average understanding of human nature because he can read minds, which is bullshit. What people think and what they do are often in conflict, after all. That he doesn't see Bella for the spoiled brat that she is tells me that he doesn't have as firm a grasp on the human psyche as he claims.
Edward is just a selfish prick. That is the real reason. He is risking a person's life by putting himself in a position to someday murder her, and all this just because she's interesting? He is like a child with a toy, refusing to let it go because it's all shiny and new. Edward may be over a hundred years old, but he is acting like the stupid, hormone-driven teen he resembles. Considering his age, I think you'll appreciate the irony in my saying that Edward needs to grow the fuck up.
Edward goes on about how ZOMG FASCINATING Bella is. Meanwhile Bella looks at the Cullen family so that Edward doesn't "read the chagrin" in her eyes. I wish I didn't have to read the chagrin in this book. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Rosalie glares at Bella and continues to do so until Edward gets peeved. Edward explains that Rosalie is worried that their whole family might be in danger if, after spending so much time publicly with Bella, Edward ended up murdering her. Edward is not only endangering Bella's life with his selfish actions, he is placing the safety of his family at risk as well. Why does he keep stalking her, then? Because he's a selfish bastard. For that matter, why doesn't his family do something? If Edward's actions put them in danger, why do they not intervene?
Bella doesn't notice the implications of Edward's words. Rather, she is frustrated at Rosalie for interrupting them. It shouldn't surprise me that Bella has no concern for things that affect more than just her, given her track record. Seriously, how self-absorbed is this girl?
Edward takes a moment to be emo, and Alice teleports over to their table, because even the act of walking from one table to another must be done mysteriously by the Cullens. It's time for Edward to leave, as he and Alice must go on their illegal hunting trip. Um ... why does he have to go now? Don't get me wrong, I love that he's leaving, but think about it. Edward doesn't sleep, he essentially has the entire day and night to hunt, so why does he have to ditch school to do it? I get the impression from his explanation that this hunting trip is a precaution, not a necessity, so what's the rush?
Meyer describes Alice as "elfin" and "willowy," so I will now refer to her as Elf Willow. If you don't know what I'm talking about, imagine the protagonist of this movie, but as an elf. Edward introduces Bella to Elf Willow, who apparently has "brilliant obsidian eyes," which I swear I've read in several bad fanfics which were more entertaining than this book. She uses the word "sinuous" to describe Elf Willow's walk, which comes uncomfortably close to saying her spine was a snake in my opinion.
After what passes for banter in this book they finally say their goodbyes, but not before Edward makes Bella promise to be safe, because she is obviously so weak that she risks death or injury every second that she is not under Edward's stalking gaze. At this point I think this is not genuine concern from Edward, but merely a sign of his possessiveness. He watches Bella like a miser watches his gold, with greed and paranoia.
Bella considers ditching school, which would render Edward's retrieval of her truck pointless, but stops herself because she's afraid that people will think that she's with Edward. She repeats Rosalie's concern about what might happen if "something went wrong" after being seen with Edward in public, and once again completely fails to see the implications of this. To be fair it's not that she doesn't "get it," it's that she willfully refuses to acknowledge what those words mean. As she herself said, she doesn't care how much danger she is in, so long as she has a hot boi. She is, in effect, putting her hands to her ears and shouting "LA LA LA, I AM NOT LISTENING, LA LA LA!" That this airhead is considered a role model for young girls saddens me to no end.
I intuitively knew--and sensed he did too--that tomorrow would be pivotal.
Classic projection. I don't think Bella "sensed" anything, she merely projected her own overblown expectations onto Edward, assuming that they are of the same mind.
Our relationship couldn't balance, as it did, on the point of a knife.
What relationship? They only just reached the point where they ask basic questions such as "what's your favorite color?" and Bella doesn't even put that much effort into getting to know Edward as a person. This is hardly a relationship in the way that Bella means. There is no emotional investment between the two of them, only lust and infatuation that they mistake for love. Bella is a stupid girl with a crush, and Edward is a possessive stalker.
You've just got to love Meyer's choice of words. Their relationship balances on a knife's point, huh? That sounds oh so dramatic and dangerous, except that it's complete bullshit. There is no drama here, no difficulty that they must overcome. The most we get is Bella obsessing and Edward being emo. Meyer leans heavily on artificial tension because she lacks the ability to write genuine tension. The story is dramatic because Meyer says it is, not because there is any real drama stemming from situations in the actual book.
In full ham mode, Bella goes on about how their relationship depends entirely on Edward's decisions (because the man is always right) and how there is nothing more terrifying to her than leaving Edward. Needy much? What really disturbs me is the subtle message this sends, that a girl should allow herself to be completely consumed by the boy she's with. That her own thoughts, feelings, and ambitions should mean nothing compared to whether or not she has a boy. That is not healthy! Yes, relationships are an important part of human development, but they are not the be all and end all of one's existence. That this book preaches blind dependence does great harm to its target audience and sets up highly unrealistic expectations that will most likely end badly.
Bella goes to class, and Mike wishes her a good time in Seattle. For some reason Bella decides to tell him that she's not going, giving an excuse about her truck. Naturally, Mike asks if she's going to the dance with Edward, and she says no. When Mike asks what she'd be doing if she's not going to Seattle or the dance, Bella wants him to butt out.
Ouch. Touchy, isn't she? Suddenly there's some big taboo against asking what she's up to? Why did she tell Mike that she wasn't going to Seattle anyway? It could be argued that she's being honest, but then she immediately lied about what she'd actually be doing, saying she'd be doing laundry and studying for a test. If she was just going to lie anyway, why not just let Mike continue to think that she'd be in Seattle? Sorry, I was being logical again. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella lies through her teeth about Edward, saying that they're not going to be together that day, and she also comments about how it's getting easier for her to lie. Mike invites Bella to the dance again, and she snaps at him. It's interesting to note that on mention of Edward not being there Mike "perks up" but when turned down he immediately "sulks." The characters in this book jump from one emotional extreme to the next so quickly that they're more like cartoon caricatures than actual people. Bella, as usual, doesn't give a damn. (+1 Bitch)
I did not especially want to walk home, but I couldn't see how he would have retrieved my truck.
It's called breaking and entering.
Then again, I was starting to believe that nothing was impossible for him.
What? So if he breaks into her house and takes her keys from her pile of dirty laundry it's because he's so totally awesome that nothing is impossible for him? Doesn't it enter her mind for one second that such an act may be a little bit creepy and unhealthy, not to mention ILLEGAL?
Bella truck is waiting for her, with the key in the ignition. Other than being momentarily surprised, Bella does not question how Edward got to her keys. She does not put two and two together and realize that her house had just been broken into. When she gets home she notes that the front door is locked just as she left it, which is meaningless because Edward could easily have locked the door behind himself when he left. Most likely, though, I suspect he used the same entrance he'd been using all this time he's been repeatedly breaking into her house to watch her sleep at night. She checks her clothes in the laundry room and, not finding her keys, assumes that she'd simply hung them up. Unless she hangs her keys outside, this still means that HE BROKE INTO HER BLOODY HOUSE!
The thought never occurs to her. Instead she calls Jessica to tell her that she's not going to Seattle, and is immediately suspicious of Jessica's tone, saying she seemed too disappointed. Again, why is she telling people she's not going to Seattle if she's just going to hand them all new lies anyway? She tells her fath--I mean, Charlie--about Seattle, giving him the same bullshit she gave Mike and Jessica. He offers to cancel his fishing trip, but she insists that he goes because it would be inconvenient if he stayed home and noticed that Bella had been talking out of her ass.
Bella says that she feels guilty for deceiving him, but not guilty enough to tell him the truth. (+1 Bitch)
Bella: Even though my supposed trip to Seattle will in no way interfere with my plans with Edward and is, in fact, the perfect cover up, I'm going to tell even more lies and needlessly complicate my own plans for no adequately explained reason!
Charlie: Hello Bella, darling. Have fun in Seattle!
Bella: I'm not going to Seattle, Dad. I'm going to stay home and do laundry. Oh, and please don't come home early or anything like that; otherwise my blatant lies to you will be completely ruined. Ruined, I say!
Charlie: Whatever you say, My sweet Mary Sue.
Bella: Just so you don't think I'm a total bitch I promise to feel guilty while I'm sneaking around behind your back and lying about Edward for absolutely no reason. Aren't I selfless and self-sacrificing? That's what my fans call me.
Bella does the laundry ... which is what she said she'd be doing Saturday. Way to hold up your alibi if Charlie sees and the next day realizes "hmm, didn't she do the laundry last night?" There's more pointless filler about Bella obsessing over Edward. For one very brief moment she seems to consider the amount of danger she's putting herself in, even going so far as to wonder if it would hurt if things "ended badly." She instantly dismisses this, however, because leaving Edward would be "intolerable." Once again she places having a boyfriend above her own life.
Oh I just love this next part. Bella does something so utterly scandalous that normally she would never condone such behavior, but she's desperate, damn it, so she has no choice! Oh, it is just so reckless and dangerous that I can't even bear to speak of it!
What did she do?
I knew I was far too stressed to sleep, so I did something I'd never done before.
Oooh, I am positively aquiver with anticipation! What did she do? What is it?
I deliberately took unnecessary cold medicine--the kind that knocked me out for a good eight hours.
That it? She took NyQuil? That's what she considers reckless behavior?
I normally wouldn't condone this type of behavior in myself ...
Because nobody ever takes NyQuil to help them sleep at night. What kind of a 17-year-old is she that she considers taking a sleeping aid to be out of control behavior? What's next, will she decide not to tuck the bed sheets in the morning? How rebellious! Someone call Jerry Springer!
After we get the pleasure of seeing her do her hair and pick her clothes, she puts on some music to help her sleep. She wakes up the next morning, having slept well because of her "gratuitous drug use." Gratuitous? She calls taking a bit of cold medicine gratuitous? Honey, you've lived a VERY sheltered life, haven't you?
After being treated to Meyer describing the exact method in which Bella puts on her clothes, she goes through the rest of her morning ritual and then flies to the door (I picture her sprouting wings) and opens it for Edward. Edward laughs because they're wearing matching outfits, and Bella comments about how he looks like a runway model.
Edward decides to take Bella's gas-guzzling truck instead of his Volvo and has a bit of a Jesus complex when he gets to the passenger's side.
He waited by the passenger door with a martyred expression that was easy to understand.
Meyer just can't resist using the most dramatic-sounding words to describe the simplest of things. Couldn't she have just said that Edward was disappointed that he wouldn't be driving instead of using a word that brings forth images of crucifixions? Meyer's attempt at sounding dramatic just comes off as unintentionally funny. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Bella has trouble driving because ZOMG Edward is LOOKING at her! *gag* Edward gives her directions as they go, and she can "hear a smile" in his voice. Bella has a small panic attack at the concept of walking after they reach their destination, describing it as a "coming horror." Why am I still reading this?
Edward gets angry when Bella tells him that she lied to everyone about where they were going and that nobody knows she's with him. In a rare moment when I'm actually 100% behind Edward, the two have this exchange.
"You said it might cause trouble for you ... us being together publicly," I reminded him.
"So you worried about the trouble it might cause me--if you don't come home?" His voice was still angry, and bitingly sarcastic.
It says something when the abusive stalker who has no problem with breaking into people's houses turns out to be the voice of reason. Edward, please just eat the bitch and get it over with. Clearly she is too dumb to live. She even did all of the work ensuring that no one would suspect you. Free lunch, Eddykins. Free lunch!
They get out of the truck. Edward follows, "eyes still annoyed." Bella panics because they're not going to use the foot trail, which amuses Edward enough that he forgets his anger at Bella's stupidity. Does everyone in this book have the attention span of a goldfish? Edward turns to Bella, and she "stifles a gasp" at seeing Edward in a sleeveless shirt. The word "perfect" is used twice, and Bella describes him as "godlike."
Um, Bella, remember when you so smugly put down Jessica for admiring Edward's looks and swore that there was SO much more to him than his appearance? You're not helping your own case here. (+1 Eye Sex)
She feels a "piercing stab of despair" and Edward notices her "tortured" expression. Edward asks, with "pain saturating his voice" if she'd like to go home. If this gets any more ridiculous I'm going to hurl. This is the literary equivalent of over-acting. (+1 Wangst)
Bella decides that the forest setting is the perfect place to be emo. Edward scrutinizes her face (her words) after noticing her "dejection." Bella responds to his effort to cheer her up by replying to him "acidly." Isn't Bella such a likable character, how she goes emo and snaps at Edward for no real reason?
I tried to keep my eyes away from his perfection as much as possible, but I slipped often. Each time, his beauty pierced me through with sadness
Oh for the love of God, please shut up! I got the point about Edward's physical appearance the last hundred times it was pointed out. Is this really all that Meyer can write about? How about including an actual STORY in this book?
Edward asks her some personal questions, which Bella describes as interrogation. I don't think that word means what Meyer thinks it means. Asking about her birthdays and childhood pets doesn't constitute interrogation, especially in the context of someone she supposedly loves trying to get to know her better. Not that the bitch has any concept of what real love is. To her it means ogling Edward and waxing poetic about his physical appearance. She's not in love, she's just horny. I'll give Edward some credit; at least he puts some kind of effort into this.
This is love as Bella sees it. NSFW
They walk through the forest a bit. At this point my brain has numbed from the stupidity of this book to such a degree that I'm not even going to bother yelling at Meyer for completely messing up how light works in the woods. Edward points out a patch of sunlight ahead. As Bella notices, Edward's smirk grows "more pronounced." Couldn't Meyer have just said that his smile widened or something? If she's trying to convey emotion, the use of such clinical wording kills the attempt. She steps into a meadow and ...
A meadow?
No ... no ... no no no no no!
We're getting to THAT scene! Dear God, no! Why did I do this to myself? Why did I write this blog knowing that it would eventually come to this? Why, God, WHY?
And, my goodness, the purple ... the purple ...
I was actually surprised that I didn't catch more instances of purple prose in the previous chapters. Sure there are PLENTY of overwrought sentences, mostly having to do with Edward's beauty, but those bits never lasted long enough to be considered prose. Here the flowery language normally reserved for Edward is transferred to the scenery and, my God, it is purple. (+1 Purple Prose)
In an attempt to create tension, Meyer has this chapter end on a cliffhanger, with Edward just starting to step into the sunlight. For me this comes as a relief, because that means I can stop here and take some time to ready myself for the massive levels of fail I'll have to plow through next chapter. Just so you know, I will NOT be writing the next entry without some kind of alcoholic beverage in my hands at all times. Which reminds me.
I need a drink.
Final Tally:
+7 Stupidity
+3 Thesaurus Rape
+2 Bitch
+1 Purple Prose
+1 Eye Sex
+1 Wangst
Real life strikes again..
Sorry for the delay. Unfortunately, real life got in the way of my normal activities and didn't leave me time to participate in the Twilight Sucks forums or write this blog. I won't bore you with the specifics, but suffice it to say I had to get my shit in order. Luckily I had already made some good headway in the next chapter before all that happened, so it will be up soon. Again, apologies for the delay.
Twilight - Chapter Eleven
In a nutshell: "blah blah, Edward is awesome, blah blah" and NOTHING HAPPENS!
I must admit that when I started this blog I didn't imagine I would get this far into the book. I assumed that by this point the story would have gotten good enough that there would be no point in my panning it. I guess I simply put too much faith that something so popular couldn't be so bad. Well, here we are, so I guess it is.
Bound and determined to drill it into our skulls how awesome Edward is, the very first sentence of this chapter talks about how everyone is staring at Bella and Edward as they sit down in lab class, as if we hadn't gotten enough of random people stopping and staring last chapter. The teacher walks into the class dragging a TV and VCR in a paragraph that completely abuses the use of dashes. He shoves the tape into the "reluctant" VCR. Um ... so VCRs have feelings now? I wonder if this is why Edward can read the minds of radar guns.
By the way, for this chapter I'm going to be taking a dash count. I'm just curious about just how much Meyer abuses the poor dash. 3 Dashes.
Bella goes on about how amazing it is to *gasp* actually be sitting next to Edward in class ... even though they've shared that seat since day one. Electricity flows through her, so suddenly she's the Highlander. She talks about Edward's "perfect" face and blah blah blah. The movie starts, and at this point I don't care if it's a documentary on the mating habits of turtles; anything is better than this insufferable false tension. The screen lights up the room by "a token amount." *rolls eyes*
Edward looks at her and his eyes "smolder." So, Edward is looking at her hatefully? That isn't very nice. That is the definition of smolder most commonly attributed to eyes.
Smolder: to show suppressed anger, hate, or jealousy (eyes smoldering with hate). (Merriam Webster Dictionary)
Bella nearly hyperventilates. Apparently out of the many words Meyer has taken from her giant thesaurus, the word "subtlety" is not among them. This ham-fisted attempt at romance strikes me as more comedic than romantic. It's just Meyer picking the most dramatic-sounding words and having her characters overreact to the slightest thing Edward does. I can do it too.
His smoldering eyes held me in a vice-like grip. I was powerless under the inextricable scrutiny of his gaze. He scratched his head, and I had to breath into my lunch bag. He touched me, and my heart stopped. When I awoke in the hospital, several hours later, he smiled at me and I flat-lined. The word "clear!" was the last I remembered hearing.
The funny thing is that Bella's heart actually HAD stopped beating in chapter nine, and Edward hadn't even touched her. If you think the above example is ridiculous, know that it isn't that far removed from what's in the actual book.
Sometimes I can almost imagine Meyer standing over the readers with a giant hammer called "plot" in her hands and whacking her readers over the head with it until they can't think rational thoughts, thus leaving them in the perfect state to swallow this tripe. Another blow of that hammer comes when Bella is so fixated on Edward that she doesn't even know what the subject of the film is. I get the feeling that if Meyer could magically replace every instance of the name "Edward" with a column of light and angel song, she would. 4 dashes.
It appears that Edward is the Highlander, because the lightning bolts are coming from his body.
She goes on and on about wanting to touch him, which makes me wonder at the nature of the relationship. You see, in a normal, healthy relationship, touching is kind of a given. Surely Edward and Bella's "unconditional and irrevocable" twu wuv would allow for touching at the very least.
"Well, that was interesting," he murmured. His voice was dark and his eyes were cautious.
Yeah, those few paragraphs of NOTHING HAPPENING were very interesting. I get so tired of books with real plots, where things actually happen and the characters are 3-dimensional. It gets boring reading about characters with pasts, personal motivations, and personalities of their own.
From now on I hereby dub Bella the "eye psychic," because she seems able to tell a hell of a lot more from people's eyes than is humanly possible.
His face startled me--his expression was torn, almost pained, and so fiercely beautiful that the ache to touch him flared as strong as before.
No real reason for quoting that except to give you a taste of what I'm putting up with. 5 dashes. I'm beginning to wonder if Meyer uses so many dashes because they look like little penises to her. Also, this point is way overdue. (+1 Eye Sex)
The tension Meyer is trying to create rings false because there is no real source for it. She tries to paint this as a forbidden love, where they must resist the urge to even touch each other, but nobody is forbidding them. If they want to they can go ahead and do it. The only thing stopping them is Edward being an ungodly asshole, and that doesn't count. Oh, and don't try that "he's a vampire and might lose control" line, because that ceased to be relevant the moment Edward decided to stalk Bella like the obsessive asshat that he is, completely ignoring that risk.
Bella, the eye psychic, notes the "conflict raging in his eyes" when he tries to touch her. Disregarding that there is no real source for conflict, I find it funny that Edward has such a problem touching Bella when he feels no "conflict" when it comes to grabbing her forcefully (parking lot scene, anyone?) or breaking into her house to watch her sleep.
His skin was as icy as ever, but the trail his fingers left on my skin was alarmingly warm--like I'd been burned, but didn't feel the pain of it yet.
Is Meyer saying that Edward's hands are cold enough to give her frostbite from a light touch? How is that even possible? As I explained in chapter seven, it is physically impossible for Edward's skin to be that cold. Also, if his skin is that cold, how come Bella never had a similar reaction the previous times Edward touched her? (+1 Stupidity)
6 dashes.
Bella is "lightheaded and wobbly" as she enters gym. Is it weird to feel an urge to physically assault a fictional character? I just REALLY want to slap Bella across the face right now. She changes her clothes while in a "trancelike" state, really hamming it up. Then she's handed a racket and ...
Wait, hold on! Are we actually in Gym class? Are we going to actually see it this time? Wow, I must admit this is unexpected. Perhaps we'll finally see some of that famous clumsiness we've been hearing so much about. She notes the other people eyeing her furtively. I'm given to think that Bella is just full of herself, but considering all the staring people have been doing because Meyer is obsessed with having Bella be a super special snowflake, I'm not surprised.
Mercifully, some vestiges of Mike's chivalry still survived; he came to stand beside me.
What is that supposed to mean? Is Bella saying that Mike has turned into a jerk since we last saw him, and only some of his former niceness survived? Did her opinion of him drop that much since he stopped chasing after her ass? There is no way to win with her, is there? Pay attention to her and you're a dog; leave her alone and you're not chivalrous. What a bitch! (+1 Bitch)
Mike volunteers to pair up with Bella for a doubles game, and she says that he doesn't have to do this, as if it is some great burden to play with her. I'm actually interested to see how this turns out. I'm eager to actually SEE some of Bella's clumsiness for once, and not "oh, I dropped something so now Edward has to pick it up."
7 dashes.
Bella grimaces apologetically ... how do you even do that?
Websters defines "grimace" as "a facial expression usually of disgust, disapproval, or pain." How, exactly, does one make an expression of disgust apologetically? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Bella accidentally hits Mike with the racket and hits her own face with the same swing. Even a clumsy person couldn't manage that. Do you know how hard it is to "accidentally" hit your own face? When I said I wanted to see clumsiness, I expected her to trip over Mike's feet or bump into someone. This is just dumb. If Bella really is that clumsy she should not be driving a truck; She should not leave the house; She should be in a "special" school, learning the alphabet with colorful blocks.
After that she stands back and Mike plays with himself--I mean by himself, BY himself! Um ... where is the teacher? He just lets students walk out of the game during team exercises? As if Meyer realized that she had just went a few whole minutes without mentioning Edward, it turns out that Edward is exactly who Mike wants to talk about.
Bella immediate switches into bitch mode and tells Mike that it's none of his business while simultaneously wishing that Jessica would go to Hell. Woops, I mean Hades. So, let me get this straight: In their "unconditional and irrevocable" love, their relationship not only has a prohibition against touching, but it's taboo to talk about it as well? I should tell the world of this revelation!
Me: Hey guys, Twilight says it's not love if you talk about it. So no showing pictures, smiling whenever her name is mentioned, or slipping her into conversations. Be cold and distant. Don't talk about her; don't even touch her. Bella Swan commands it!
Seriously, what did she expect to happen? If she wanted to keep their relationship (I use the term loosely) a secret, she did a horrible job of it, what with the ditching her friends to sit with him and all. Did she somehow expect them all to just pretend that nothing is happening? If so, then she must not have been around other people for very long. (+1 Bitch)
Mike doesn't like Edward, and he tells Bella why.
"He looks at you like ... like you're something to eat," ...
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ...
Since it was Meyer's joke and Bella is Meyer, Bella naturally finds this hilarious and rushes off to the locker room. I wonder if it ever occurred to her to find it worrying that Edward is being so creepy that other people are starting to comment on it.
I honestly can't make heads or tails of this next sentence.
I dressed quickly, something stronger than butterflies battering recklessly against the walls of my stomach, my argument with Mike already a distant memory.
So ... her clothes are stronger than butterflies? The act of dressing is stronger than nervousness? How do sentences this sloppy make it past the editor? Was he asleep at the desk or something? (+1 Stupidity)
Did they know that I knew? Was I supposed to know that they knew that I knew, or what?
And by reading this blog you know that I know that you know that I know that I hate this book.
After obsessing over Edward some more, she finds him waiting for her at the gym. After talking about his "breathtaking" face she breathes the word "hi" while smiling hugely ... and she used to call Mike a dog?
Edward's eyes shift focus slightly, which means he looked over her shoulder. Apparently Edward doesn't like Mike and he tells Bella so. Very classy, Eddykins, disliking someone because you can't charm him into doing what you want and he is the sole person, so far, to actively question your actions. Right now Edward is looking a lot like the spoiled kid who cries because he didn't get his own way.
Bella asks if Edward has been listening in again, and when he says yes this pisses her off. She doesn't seem angry because Edward is spying on her, but rather because he saw her in gym. Edward doesn't seem to care. What ... the ... fuck?
8, 9, 10, 11 dashes.
Bella notices a crowd composed entirely of boys surrounding Rosalie's car, because girls can't possibly be interested in cars. No, they're too busy with their knitting needles and selecting which apron to wear while they cook their men dinner. Also, why are they paying that much attention to a car? Has Rosalie never drove it to school before in all these years? Is it their first time seeing it? It's a red convertible, not the Messiah. Sure it would elicit interest from car enthusiasts, but a crowd of people circling it? We get it, Meyer, the Cullens are rich. (+1 Stupidity)
It's like all boys in Meyerland are chimps, distracted by the first shiny new thing they see. When Bella arrived, every human male wanted her (according to Edward), and now they see a car and they're all "ooh, shiny!" It appears that Twilight isn't just sexist towards women.
Edward says it's a BMW M3. He also calls it "ostentatious" again. 12 dashes.
Edward asks if Bella is still mad at him, and she is. He asks if she would forgive him if he apologizes, and she says she would if he meant it and promised not to do it again. A reasonable request.
His eyes were suddenly shrewd. "How about if I mean it, and I agree to let you drive Saturday?" he countered my conditions.
Wasn't that Bella's idea in the first place? How does this sound?
Edward: Forgive me for stalking you in school and using psychic powers to spy on you and I'll give you permission to drive, even though that was your idea in the first place. Pfft. Women drivers. Next thing you know they'll want to vote too.
Edward apologizes, his eyes "burning with sincerity for a protracted moment." My eyes are rolling for a protracted moment. 14 dashes. He says he'll be at Bella's driveway on Saturday, which worries her because she thinks it will make it difficult to hide Edward from her fath--I mean, Charlie. Edward smiles "condescendingly" and says that he won't bring a car. 15 dashes.
Bella brings up the subject of why she can't see Edward hunt. 16 dashes. She presses him for an explanation as to why he reacted as angrily as he had. He explains that it's because they go all primal when they hunt, and if she were there she'd be dinner. After gazing at the clouds "morosely" he looks at Bella, and once again becomes the Highlander, because electricity charges the atmosphere. 17 dashes.
Edward says that she should go inside, and as she leaves he informs her that tomorrow he gets to ask questions. Does this mean he's leaving this scene? Please let him be leaving this scene! His car speeds down the street as he leaves.
HOORAY!
Bella doesn't get much sleep because she's too busy dreaming about Edward being the Highlander. I must say that it certainly would explain why Edward is the way he is. You'd be a douchebag too if you were under constant threat of having your head chopped off.
Her father asks her about Saturday, which makes Bella cringe. He then asks if she's still going to Seattle, which makes her grimace. Does she do it apologetically? He asks about the dance, and then Bella glares. Ugh! What is with all the glaring and the frowning and the grimacing in this book?
Charlie shows some parental concern, worrying that perhaps nobody had asked her out. Oh, if only he knew the truth behind that. Bella isn't about to ruin her street cred by being honest with her father, so she avoids the question. Surprisingly Bella shows some small sympathy for her father, though her reasoning behind that sympathy is a little twisted.
It must be a hard thing, to be a father; living in fear that your daughter would meet a boy she liked, but also having to worry if she didn't.
Living in fear of his daughter finding a boy? Granted there is always the concern that one's child may end up with someone abusive and controlling ... like Edward. However, unless the parent is overprotective or insecure, they probably wish for their children to find their match. It's the fond wish of parents to see their children grow up, move out, and make a life for themselves. Parents want their children to give them grandchildren. Me thinks this quote is simply Meyer projecting her own issues on the rest of the world.
How ghastly it would be, I thought, shuddering, if Charlie had even the slightest inkling of exactly what I did like.
You mean the boy who's family he sung the praises of in chapter two? Alright, so maybe the whole vampire thing wouldn't settle so well with him, but unless Edward grows fangs and starts sucking blood right in front of him, I doubt he'd find out. Wait, I forgot, Meyerpires don't have fangs. Ugh!
Charlie leaves, and Edward arrives in his Volvo seconds later. So, the guy who constantly says "I'm dangerous, you should stay away from me" suddenly can't wait to put himself in the very position he whines about. So much for his constant warnings and preaching about how they shouldn't be together, eh?
He was smiling, relaxed--and, as usual, perfect and beautiful to an excruciating degree.
This is the same girl who looked down on Jessica as shallow for complimenting Edward's looks. Our heroine, ladies and gentleman, Ms. Hypocrite McBitchSnipe. (+1 Eye Sex)
18 dashes. I notice that the dashes are most heavily concentrated when Edward is present. This could mean that ... oh no, oh God! OH MY GOD, THE DASHES ARE EDWARD'S PENIS! Gross! *pukes*
They exchange good mornings and drive off. 20 dashes. Bella asks Edward what he did last night, but he refuses to answer. I suppose "hid in your bedroom while you slept" wouldn't make a very good ice breaker. Edward points out that today he will be asking questions, and Bella's forehead creases. Of all the facial expressions to choose from, Meyer settles on a creasing forehead. *sigh* Bella wonders what kind of questions Edward might ask, what kind of information about her he'd find interesting. Edward, his face grave, asks the question that will rock the very foundation of their relationship.
"What's your favorite color?" he asked, his face grave.
BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
You just got to stop and think about how awesome this is. I mean, just look at this in its proper context.
Bella: Oh Edward is so gorgeous, so mysterious and strong and beautiful. I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.
Edward: Bella, we shouldn't be together but I can't stand the thought of being away from you. I must stay with you at all times. I watch you sleep at night, I follow you wherever you go, I would do anything to protect you ... well, everything except leave you alone so I don't one day end up murdering you. I have but one question to ask of you, Bella, my sun, my moon, my starry sky!
Bella: Oh, Edward, ask whatever question you want. I will answer anything as long as I get to see your perfect lips move to form the words. Ask. Ask me anything!
Edward: Um ... what's your favorite color? It suddenly occurs to me that we know nothing about each other.
You see what I mean? Oh, this is rich! You can't write a better parody of romance than Twilight manages unintentionally. I also love how Edward gravely asks what color Bella likes, trying to lend the simple question an air of drama. Hahaha! We're nearly halfway through the book, and ONLY JUST NOW are they getting around to actually getting to know each other. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella says her color preference changes from day to day, but today it's brown because it's a warm color. 22 dashes. Edward agrees that brown is warm, and in the time it took for them to talk about the color brown they arrive at school. We now move on to the next question.
"What music is in your CD player right now?" he asked, his face as somber as if he'd asked for a murder confession.
We get it, Edward is a brooding emo vampire. Give it a rest already, Meyer!
I must say I'm loving this discussion. All of the overly-dramatic and overwrought soliloquies about Bella's "unconditional and irrevocable" love for Edward; about how Edward is perfect and beautiful and all things desirable, and after all that we're just now discussing things like favorite colors and musical tastes. This is one of those rare moments when I actually find myself enjoying what I see in this book.
Bella tells Edward about the CD Phil had given her, and by an amazing coincidence it turns out that Edward has the same CD. Um, question. If Edward is so rich, why doesn't he have an MP3 player? For that matter, if they're in love why haven't they exchanged cell numbers yet? Do they even have cell phones? They do come in handy, you know. If Bella and her friend had cell phones when they were in Port Angeles, Bella might have been spared a lot of trouble.
Edward continues asking her basic questions, which seems to irritate Bella, who says he "questioned me relentlessly about every insignificant detail of my existence." It appears that Bella wants to go back to finding new ways to describe Edward's eyes without all that bothersome getting-to-know-you stuff. You know, considering how obsessed Bella is with Edward you'd think she'd welcome the opportunity to learn these things about him as well. In this, Edward is actually acting more human than Bella. At least he is trying to get an understanding of her that extends beyond surface things such as appearance.
Unfortunately we don't get to see most of the answers, as they are glossed over in the narration. This is clearly Meyer's clumsy attempt at character development, but since very few answers to Edward's personality questions are provided in the text, Bella remains as flat and empty a character as ever. What few answers are provided are stuff we already know (Bella likes warmth and Phil gave her a CD).
Edward asks what Bella's favorite gemstone is. She says topaz, and Edward literally commands her to tell him why. 23 dashes. Bella says that it's because Topaz is the color of his eyes. So ... Edward's eyes are clear? They can appear in many different colors such as blue, red, or pink? Does Bella simply not know that topaz is NOT a color?
I'd given more information than necessary in my unwilling honesty, and I worried it would provoke the strange anger that flared whenever I slipped and revealed too clearly how obsessed I was.
Oh, where do I even begin? Bella clearly is not only annoyed at Edward's questions, but doesn't want to give him honest answers. In other words, she doesn't want to share her personal world with him. Is this the behavior one would expect from someone who is "unconditionally and irrevocably" in love (yes, I'm going to keep quoting that)? So far she has shown zero interest in getting to know Edward as a person and merely fixates on his outward appearance. When given the opportunity to engage Edward on a deeper level via this getting-to-know-you conversation, she resists the whole process.
You cannot argue that this is a love story; the evidence to the contrary is right here. Bella narrates that she is so ZOMG IN WUV with Edward, yet she has no interest in moving past Edward's surface qualities. What some people fail to realize is that this is not love just because Meyer says it is. For it to be love, the two characters would have to actually act like they're in love. So far all I see is superficial lust on Bella's part and abusive, obsessive stalking from Edward. That is not love.
Also, the fact that Bella is afraid to share her interests with Edward because he may get angry isn't exactly an atmosphere that is conducive to romance. Given her reaction to Edward, her supposed "twu wuv," I understand a little better why she constantly lies to her father and withholds information. The bitch just lies to people out of habit. Oh, and I find it funny that Bella is worried about freaking Edward out because she notices his eye colors. She is worried that SHE is more obsessed than the guy who is STALKING her. (+1 Stupidity)
Edward asks her what her favorite flowers are and Bella "continued with the psychoanalysis." Is that how she views this? As some kind of clinical drudgery? If she were really "in love" she would have not only given an earnest effort to answer his questions, but she would have had enough interest in Edward to get answers to those same questions from him as well. I swear, it constantly amazes me how many anti-love messages are in this book, which is heralded as some great love story.
Bella: OMG, Edward keeps trying to get to know me better. That is such a chore! Why can't he just shut up and look pretty so I can continue writing descriptions of his perfect face and muscled chest in my notebook? That's what love is, right? I don't have to actually care about him, I just have to think he's hot.
And THIS is what young girls are looking to as an example of true love? God help us all! Oh, and don't think I'm just going to forgive Bella's complete inability to notice or care that someone she supposedly "loves" is making an honest attempt to understand her. She is such a humungous bitch that she can't see beyond what SHE wants. It's just "me me me" with her. (+1 Bitch)
It's TV day in Biology again, and Edward once again becomes the Highlander when the teacher cuts the lights off. Bella again gets all overly-dramatic about longing to touch Edward and blah blah blah. There is one line here that I found interesting.
I leaned forward on the table, resting my chin on my folded arms, my hidden fingers gripping the table's edge as I fought to ignore the irrational longing that unsettled me.
Again with the prohibition against touching. What I find interesting is how Bella finds it "unsettling" to want to touch Edward. That is the opposite of how someone who's in love would think. I may have given her some credit if she'd said that it's because she doesn't think it's appropriate to fondle Edward in class, but that is not indicated here. Even so, young people in love would not be above touching each other or even sneaking kisses, consequences be damned.
Another appropriate reaction would be if Bella welcomed the idea of touching Edward, but was afraid of getting caught and drawing people's attention. Again, this is not indicated. Instead, Bella simply finds the idea "irrational" and "unsettling." Her choice of words implies a certain level of disgust at the notion. Whether or not that is what Meyer meant, this is still sloppy writing on her part. Also sloppy is her use of the same plot device twice to convey the same message. The first TV time was excusable, but essentially writing the same scene a second time is just unnecessary padding to make a point that has already been made.
Bella, the eye psychic, notes that Edward's eyes are "ambivalent," and the word is not given any context as to the source of this ambivalence. The word implies contradictory feelings, but without any stated or implied context the word is not descriptive at all. Is Edward conflicted between desire and disgust at Bella, or is it something else? Meyer, please burn your thesaurus. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
They walk to Gym and Edward once again touches her face with his hand. 25 dashes. Is it just me, or are we having the same day twice? Mike plays with himself--I mean by himself, BY himself! My God, even the jokes are repeating themselves! Bella admits to feeling a little bad about arguing with Mike, but immediately dismisses it because it's not as important to her as what SHE wants. That paragraph ends in a sentence fragment.
Just like Yesterday she rushes off to meet Edward after gym and gets that same dumb smile on her face. You ever get a sense of Deja vu, like you've seen all of this before? Weird, isn't it?
Edward asks more questions as they sit in front of her fath--dang it, I mean Charlie's--house. Bella makes an attempt to answer in the form of a long paragraph describing how awesome Arizona is. Interestingly, Bella describes her room to him. This is interesting because Edward has been breaking into her room at night to watch her sleep, so he's perfectly familiar with what her room looks like.
Just like Yesterday she rushes off to meet Edward after gym and gets that same dumb smile on her face. You ever get a sense of Deja vu, like you've seen all of this before? Weird, isn't it?
Edward notes that her father will be home soon. Bella responds with "Charlie!" before asking what time it is. 27 dashes.
"It's twilight," Edward murmured ...
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ...
He makes a comment about the end of day and the coming of night, trying to sound deep and mysterious but really just coming off like the pretentious emo brat that he is. He notes that Charlie will be back in a few minutes and offers Bella another opportunity to come clean with her dad and tell him about Edward. Her response is "thanks, but no thanks." Edward opens the car door for her, which causes her heart to go into "frenzied palpitations," and, consequently, causes my eyes to do some frenzied rolling.
Edward stops this time and says that there's "another complication." Oh, I see what Meyer did there, quoting the title name in order to justify it. Har har har. To say "another" complication implies that there had been one previously. Where was this first complication in this chapter? I did not see it. There was a lot of "ooh, Edward is gorgeous," followed by Bella complaining because she doesn't want to actually get to know Edward. No complication there that I can see.
It turns out that the "complication" is Jacob arriving in his car with his dad, followed by Charlie in his squad car. This might have been an actual complication if it in any way impacted Bella or Edward, but being that Edward sped away in his car before any of them could notice, this situation is not complicated in the least. 28 dashes.
Apparently Billy Black must be the werewolf equivalent of droopy dog, because Bella describes his cheeks as being so saggy that they rest on his shoulders. Apparently the man smells vampire on Bella, because he stops smiling upon laying eyes on her. Actually, scratch that, I think it's just bitchiness he smells on her.
And here the chapter finally ends. Good Lord, here I thought I'd seen every way in which a chapter can be needlessly padded, but Meyer has actually managed to surprise me. Writing entire chapters where nothing actually happens apparently wasn't enough this time, so she just put the chapter on a loop and essentially wrote the same day twice. Why? Um, laziness perhaps? The sheer depths to which Meyer will sink amazes me to no end!
*sigh* We all know what's coming up, don't we? We're closing in on the moment I know you've all been waiting for. Chapter twelve leads directly into the infamous "meadow scene." Stay tuned, dear readers, for the dreaded duo is up next.
I need a drink.
Final Tally:
+5 Stupidity
+3 Bitch
+2 Eye Sex
+2 Thesaurus Rape
And for our special count:
28 Edward Penises (dashes)
A surprisingly low tally this chapter, but with absolutely nothing happening and the day repeating itself, there wasn't much to work with.
Twilight - Chapter Ten
I, for one, welcome our new cloud overlords.
This chapter is called "Interrogations." Before we begin I will make a guess as to what this title means. Despite it being written in plural form, I predict that this chapter will only involve one interrogation. Since Bella had promised to tell Jessica about her time with Edward last chapter, I assume that Jessica will be doing the interrogating. Bonus points if Jessica is just naturally curious and Bella, as per usual, is overreacting.
Bella wakes up the next morning and is convinced that everything that had happened the previous night had been a dream. I really hate it when she does this. As you'll recall, she'd had this same reaction to Edward offering to drive her to Seattle.
"OMG! Edward actually TALKED to me. Something like that cannot possibly happen; boys don't talk to girls because we have cooties." I know what you're thinking, that the source of her disbelief stems from Edward being a vampire, but considering Bella's usual train of thought when it comes to Edward, I doubt that's it. Remember, Bella isn't exactly a font of common sense. She's probably all dazed because she can't believe that she was in the same car with Edward and his face which is comprised entirely of adjectives.
Speaking of which ...
Logic wasn't on my side, or common sense.
Oh, sweetie, they never were.
Thankfully Meyer decides not to pad the description of Bella's morning ritual this time, so she's quickly out the door and into the foggy day. Apparently the fog (which, in the next sentence, magically turns into mist) is so thick that it completely hid a second car in the driveway, which she didn't notice until she was pulling out in her truck. The car is silver ... dear God, no! Please, Meyer, no! We've already had a whole chapter of that douchebag, I don't think I can take any more! Have mercy on my sanity, please!
I didn't see where he came from, but suddenly he was there, pulling the door open for me.
"Do you want to ride with me today?" he asked ...
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
God damn glittery stalker. Was he sitting there all night or something? Did he even go home after watching Bella sleep? I'm sure this is how normal people behave. They just arrive at people's houses unannounced, sit in their driveways, and block their cars all the time.
There was uncertainty in his voice. He was really giving me a choice--I was free to refuse, and part of him hoped for that. It was a vain hope.
For the love of all things holy, where do I even begin to describe how utterly messed up that is?
It says a lot that Meyer has to specifically point out that Edward is giving Bella a choice in the matter, because Edward previously hadn't given her a choice. So this is there relationship, where the man letting the woman choose is a noteworthy occurrence. Don't even try to claim that this isn't sexist. Not that Bella has much of a choice anyway. I mean, Edward does have her trapped in the driveway, and this is the same guy who had dragged her across a parking lot and forced her into his Volvo.
Also, which of these two is the one who can read minds? Bella is able to tell an awful lot just from the tone of his voice. If Edward really is hoping that Bella will refuse (again, how does she know this?) then why is he here in the first place? Mister "I'm dangerous, stay away" is once again ignoring his own warnings and forcing Bella to do exactly what he keeps telling her not to do. The word "hypocrite" doesn't even begin to describe him. Edward doesn't really care about Bella, he's just doing whatever the hell he wants. Selfish bastard. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)
Bella, of course, says yes, trying to keep her voice calm. I'm glad that Meyer decided to use the word "calm" instead of "modulated" this time around. She notes that the car is warm, so at least today Edward bothered to turn the heater on. She notes his tan jacket, which had been light beige two chapters ago.
The door closed behind me, and, sooner than should be possible, he was sitting next to me, starting the car.
I get it, Edward is super special awesome. Just look at how fast he an get into a car! Meyer seems to think that having Edward do ordinary things with superpowers makes him special, when it just makes him a showoff. Maybe giving him an actual personality would help, but that takes a level of competence that is beyond her grasp.
Edward says that he brought the jacket so that Bella wouldn't get sick, and never mind that you can't actually catch a cold from cold weather. Sensing another eye hump opportunity, Bella ogles Edward some more.
I noticed that he wore no jacket himself, just alight gray knit V-neck shirt with long sleeves. Again, the fabric clung to his perfectly muscled chest. It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body.
I'm not even going to comment on that. (+1 Eye Sex)
This book spends so much time fixating on people's physical attributes, mostly Edward's. I'm still waiting for it to spend some time, I don't know, perhaps actually developing the characters in ways other than their physical appearances; maybe give them personality and motivation. An actual plot would also be nice.
This book reminds me of another one called Naked Came the Stranger, which, to quote Wikipedia, was "conceived by Mike McGrady of Newsday, who assembled twenty-four journalists to write a deliberately terrible book with a lot of sex, to illustrate the point that popular American literary culture had become mindlessly vulgar." The thing is, that book was wildly successful, proving McGrady's point.
Where am I going with this, you ask? Twilight is a terrible book, but with a superficial mega-hunk as one of the lead characters. The book itself focuses on outward appearances to the exclusion of anything deeper, like an actual story. That this book, too, is wildly successful perhaps proves the point that today's American literary culture has become mindlessly shallow. I'm just putting that observation out there. A part of me wishes that Meyer would some day come forward and say that Twilight was done merely as a cultural critique.
Moving on. Bella says that she is not that delicate as she puts on the jacket, smelling it again and commenting that it smells better than she remembered. At this point I'm wondering when Edward will start walking on water and giving sight to the blind. Edward insists that she is delicate, meaning weak. Lovely relationship dynamic they have here. The man is strong and the woman is weak. The mist is now a fog again as they drive through the streets.
We drove through the fog-shrouded streets, always too fast, feeling awkward.
Let me get this straight. There is a fog out that is so thick that, in Bella's words, the air is "smoky with it," and Edward is still speeding? What, does he have super fog-piercing vision as well? (+1 Stupidity)
Edward asks Bella if she's going to ask questions, and then comments that it bothers him that Bella accepts everything about him so readily. He says, correctly, that it's unnatural. This is meant to paint Bella as a special snowflake, but in reality it just makes her a poorly developed character. Edward wants to know what Bella is thinking, accusing her of editing her thoughts when she speaks them to him ... like every human being on the planet. In short, Edward wants to read Bella's mind. His words give the impression that he thinks he's somehow entitled to know what everyone is thinking at all times, showing no regard for the privacy of others.
Bella says that he doesn't want to hear her thoughts, and there is pain in her voice. Ugh! The chapter's just started and already we have false drama. Her attention whoring was enough to kill the conversation (thank goodness) so they make it to school without subjecting the readers to any more drivel. Surprisingly, Bella thinks of something other than herself for once and asks about Edward's family, noting that they usually went to school in his car. Edward informs her that they took Rosalie's car today.
"They took Rosalie's car." He shrugged as he parked next to a glossy red convertible with the top up. "Ostentatious, isn't it?"
GNIAUG IFDSABRIU IU FSI IIUH VJ V VIJLUHS V VRHAV RWV V VRU IUPYA FEAO VRFEAW VG BVAU9BV RFE8 BVRFEA BVREIUPV RI8EABVG RIU REB UOB REBR BURE BFEDA REA!!!
Sorry, I just had a momentary breakdown from the sheer stupidity of that last sentence. Ostentatious? To describe someone's car? What, is the exterior covered in jewels with flowers dangling from the antenna or something? That would be an ostentatious car. What makes this car ostentatious? The fact that it's red? The fact that its a convertible? Is it any more showy than, say, a silver Volvo? This is an ostentatious car.
I just can't get over it. Ostentatious? Not "showy" or "pretentious" or "flashy," or a dozen other more appropriate words? We get it, Meyer, you know how to use a thesaurus. Please give the poor thing a break. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
They make some comments about how OSTENTATIOUS the car is, which prompts Bella to ask why they took Rosalie's car if they're trying to keep a low profile. Yeah, because everyone is going to take one look at that shiny red car and immediately go "ZOMG VAMPIRES!" Edward's response?
"Hadn't you noticed? I'm breaking all the rules now."
Because Edward is a bad boy rebel, applying his rebel hair gel and his rebel lipstick, doing his rebel eyebrows and driving his rebel Volvo. That didn't even address Bella's question. She asked why they took Rosalie's car. Is Edward implying that none of his other vampire siblings have cars?
Edward sticks close to Bella, who monologues that she wanted to touch Edward but was afraid that he wouldn't like that. Some relationship they've got there, huh?
Bella makes an interesting observation. She asks Edward why they own such flashy cars if they're trying to blend in. Edward's reply is "an indulgence," which again doesn't really address the question. Is he saying that they decided to potentially risk their cover in this town because "oooh, those cars are so nice and shiny!" Rather immature behavior for century-old vampires. Not that it realistically matters. As I said before, nobody is going to think they're vampires just because they're rich, which makes this entire discussion pointless.
Edward further says that everyone in his family likes to drive fast. Now THIS is much more dangerous to their cover. They want to blend in, so they speed down the streets like maniacs? Even if we accept Edward's bullshit excuse about mind-reading allowing him to break the law (which I debunked last chapter), what about his other siblings who don't have his power? Did Meyer put ANY thought whatsoever into this? (+1 Stupidity)
They meet Jessica, who's apparently been transformed into a cartoon character with eyes that bug out of their sockets. She returns Bella's jacket and then Edward says good morning, which causes Jessica to fumble her words.
It wasn't really his fault that his voice was so irresistible. Or what his eyes were capable of.
Sentence. Fragment. Detected.
This is basically a repeat of the restaurant incident, with Meyer once again trying to hammer into our heads how perfect Edward is supposed to be by having other females orgasm at the very sight of him. (+1 Eye Sex)
Jessica rushes away, presumably to clean herself off, and Edward asks Bella what she intends to tell her. He says that Jessica will be waiting to ambush her in class. Bella requests help from Edward, again pleading instead of asking. I assume kneeling and clasped hands are involved. Edward, always the douche, refuses to help her because it wouldn't be "fair." The guy reads people's minds on a regular basis, but THIS is unfair?
Bella points out that not sharing what he knows in this situation is also unfair, and after thinking--my bad, "deliberating"--on the subject, he finally says that Jessica wants to know if they're secretly dating, and also wants to know how Bella feels about him. Apparently Edward is so amazing that the people they pass in the hallways are staring at them (gag). He fixes a stray lock of hair on Bella's head, which makes her heart "sputter hyperactively" (double gag).
Edward says that she can tell Jessica that they're dating, and that he'll be listening in on their conversation so he can hear her answer to the second question. That doesn't sound needy at all, eavesdropping on your girlfriend to hear what she thinks of you (sarcasm). He half-smiles, which makes Bella go short of breath. He then tells Bella that he'll see her at lunch, which makes three people in the hallway stop what they're doing and stare at her.
How many times have I said "we get it, Meyer" in these summaries? I've lost count. Well, I'm about to say it again. We get it, Meyer, Edward is a so special that he can stop traffic with a look and make girls orgasm with a yawn. You don't have to constantly have people overreact to his presence for us to get the point. Why don't you try giving Edward a personality outside of "brooding asshole" or "Gary Stu" so he can actually be interesting?
Bella is irritated because Edward hasn't been very helpful. From the text I get the impression that Meyer wants us to think Edward is being cute, when he's really just being a dick. Isn't it in his best interest, as a vampire trying to live among humans, to make sure that Bella has a good excuse to give Jessica? Does he really think that it's a good idea to withhold advice, thus sending Bella to face Jessica unprepared and risk her saying something that could compromise his cover? Apparently, Edward is too busy being a douchebag to realize this. (+1 Stupidity)
Mike says hello to Bella in class and asks how the shopping trip went. Mike, of course, is mostly interested in how Jessica feels about him, and Bella obliges him with the details of what Jessica said about their date on Monday. Personally I'm glad that Mike got with Jessica, even if it was handled in an insulting way that made it look as if Jessica was Mike's runner-up prize because he couldn't have Bella. I'm also willing to set aside how their hooking up was a little too convenient, occurring at just the right time so that Bella would be free to obsess over Edward without any of those pesky human emotions or complicated human friendships getting in the way. As we all know, Meyer hates conflict.
I'm glad because at least this way we're spared from having to watch Bella, the supposedly average every-teen, get drooled over by anyone with a penis. That's how people treat average girls, right? They are loved by all despite never having anything interesting to say, or even treating their new friends with the slightest bit of consideration. I'm sure having popular friends practically knocking each other over in their rush to spend time with you is a problem all normal girls have. Don't you just hate it when everyone loves you for no real reason?
English and Government passed in a blur, while I worried about how to explain things to Jessica and agonized over whether Edward would really be listening to what I said through the medium of Jess's thoughts. How very inconvenient his little talent could be--when it wasn't saving my life.
A problem Bella wouldn't be having if Edward wasn't being an asshole. Also, Edward's psychic powers never saved her life so far. His super speed and super strength saved her from the van, and he followed Bella in Port Angeles by tracking her scent. He did mention randomly reading people's thoughts, but that hadn't helped him. Continuity is your friend, Meyer.
In another instance of thesaurus rape, we learn that in Meyerland clouds have the ability to oppress people.
The fog had almost dissolved by the end of the second hour, but the day was still dark with low, oppressing clouds. I smiled up at the sky.
Meyer describes them as "oppressing clouds." Not "oppressive," but "oppressing." What, are the clouds demanding that Bella sit on the back of the bus or something? Are they forcing slaves to build the pyramids? So THAT'S how Stonehenge was constructed: by cloud-controlled slave labor! Damn you clouds, I'm on to your game!
William Shatner: CLOOOUDD!
First we learned that the sky can glower, and now the clouds can oppress people! (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Edward was right, of course.
Mustn't forget to put in the "of course" so that it's absolutely clear that Edward is always right, because he's perfect.
Jessica's reaction to Bella is described in such a way that we're meant to see her as a nosy bitch, but, when you look at her actual words, she doesn't say anything a normal person wouldn't say in this situation. She starts by asking what happened that night, and then asks Bella how she managed to get home so fast.
The conversation is pretty straightforward, with nothing of note being said. Jessica asks questions and Bella answers honestly. Again, Meyer's choice of words attempts to paint Jessica as nosy, but I don't think it's unreasonable to be curious about a notorious loner suddenly taking an interest in her new friend, going so far as to follow her across towns. If it were me, having heard that this creepy guy is following her around, I'd have given Bella a rape whistle.
Jessica is so blown away that she stretches out the word "wow" into three syllables. How do you do that, anyway? I can see her maybe going "wa-ow," but how do you get an extra syllable in there? "Wa-ah-ow?" Who talks like that? Meyer writes her response as "w-o-w," which implies that she stretched the word out, but that's not the same as giving it extra syllables.
The rest of the conversation lapses into what Meyer presumes to be girl talk. Are Bella and Edward going on a date? Did he kiss her? Will he kiss her? You should have seen that waitress flirting with him! Yes, the waitress was pretty. Like, OH MY GOD, I think my hair is turning blond!
Jessica describes Edward as "intimidating," and as I read that I could almost feel Meyer nudging me on the shoulder and saying "he's dangerous, I want you to think he's dangerous. Isn't he dangerous? Obey me, reader!" Jessica remembers when Edward "turned the overwhelming force of his eyes on her," and at this point I'm thinking that Edward should start wearing ruby quartz glasses to keep his eye lasers from shooting random people.
Cut to more stilted dialogue that tries to disguise itself as being "smart."
"I do have some trouble with incoherency when I'm around him," I admitted.
Note to Meyer: Throwing in random synonyms does not actually make your character intelligent. If Bella would, for instance, make an astute observation about her situation, or at least show a level of competency above that of a grade-schooler, then I may believe she's a smart person. Simply thumbing through the thesaurus for an intellectual-sounding word is a shallow attempt at best. Her behavior has shown an amazing lack of common sense, but, ooh, she used a five syllable word in a sentence. She must be a bloody genius! In addition to failing to make Bella appear smart, it also makes her dialogue sound wooden.
I LOVE this next part. You really have to read and absorb this to truly wrap your mind around how messed up it is.
"Oh, well. He is unbelievably gorgeous." Jessica shrugged as if this excused any flaws. Which, in her book, it probably did.
Says the girl who instantly forgave being dragged across a parking lot, because he's Edward.
Says the girl who instantly forgave being actively stalked, because he's Edward.
Says the girl who instantly forgave being scowled at and repeatedly ignored, because he's Edward.
Says the girl who explained away a nightmare in which Edward tried to kill her, because he's Edward.
Says the girl who has no problem with Edward being a bloodthirsty vampire who may end up murdering her, because he's Edward.
Says the girl who puts up with thinly veiled threats disguised as warnings, because he's Edward.
Says the girl who didn't mind being picked up and carried like a child, her cries of protests ignored, because he's Edward.
Says the girl who had no trouble with being commanded to eat, even though she wasn't hungry, because he's Edward.
Says the girl who, last chapter, professed her "unconditional and irrevocable" love for a guy she doesn't know because OOOH, HE'S SO HANDSOME AND HIS BREATH CONTAINS A PARALYZING AGENT!
And yet she looks down on JESSICA for excusing Edward's flaws because he's pretty? For that matter, the vast majority of the Twilight fandom is guilty of this; including, most ironically, Stephenie Meyer herself. You see why the above quote is so mind-meltingly awesome? She tries to make Bella appear mature by making Jessica out to be vapid and shallow, when that is exactly how Bella herself behaves. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella: Oh, silly Jessica, childishly fixating on Edward's LOOKS. How shallow can you get? Oh, look, there's Edward. My heart stopped beating as I beheld his angelic face with its bone structure that looked like it was carved by the hands of a master. I couldn't stop staring at his perfectly muscled chest, to which the fabric of his sweater clung. My powers of description are so lacking that I must now take out the thesaurus and pick a hundred adjectives to describe his beauty. Oh, he is so handsome, and cool, and mysterious, and ... and ... I just had one. Sorry, what was I talking about again?
Bella responds.
"There is a lot more to him than that."
Funny, I wish we could SEE these fine qualities of Edward's that extend beyond his looks, but all those pages and pages of flowery prose extolling his beauty are a bit of a distraction.
Jessica asks Bella for an example. Bella says that she can't explain it right, meaning AT ALL. What passes for an explanation is as follows.
"... he's even more unbelievable behind the face." The vampire who wanted to be good--who ran around saving people's lives so he wouldn't be a monster ...
Of course, anyone who has been paying attention will know that this is complete bullshit. Here is a quote taken from chapter eight.
"I followed you to Port Angeles," he admitted, speaking in a rush. "I've never tried to keep a specific person alive before, and it's much more troublesome than I would have believed. ..."
Edward is quite the altruist, how he so unselfishly stalks a girl he just met even though that might end with him brutally murdering her and feasting on her blood. How he so nobly stated in chapter five that, despite this risk, he was going to stick with Bella anyway, because as long as he's going to Hell he may as well do it thoroughly. What a guy!
Jessica wonders if it's even possible for Edward to be more amazing than how he looks. Bella ignores her and pretends to pay attention to the teacher. The rest of the conversation can be summed up thusly:
Jessica: Do you like him?
Bella: I like him.
Jessica: Do you like like him?
Bella: I like like him.
Jessica: Do you like him THIS much?
Bella: I like him a whole lot!
Jessica: WE'RE FEMALES!
Bella: HORRAY!
As if to spare us from more of this drivel, Jessica is called on to answer a question by the teacher. Bella later decides to distract Jessica by waving the subject of Mike in front of her face like she would a ball of yarn in front of a kitten. Jessica immediately takes the bait and they spend their remaining time dissecting everything Mike said. Thankfully this is glossed over and we're not subjected to the actual conversation.
It's time for lunch, and Jessica correctly guesses that Bella won't be sitting with her friends today. Edward is standing right outside her classroom door, an action which, had it been committed by any other boy, would have resulted in Bella snootily labeling the offending party as a dog. Contradicting what Bella had said earlier about Edward's looks, she describes him as "looking more like a Greek god than anyone had a right to." Yeah, and Jessica is the superficial one who excuses Edward's flaws because he's pretty. Bella NEVER does that.
"Hello." His voice was amused and irritated at the same time.
Again, which one of them is psychic? Bella seems able to tell an awful lot from a simple "hello." Bella says "hi," and that is the extent of their conversation. Can't you just feel the unconditional and irrevocable love in the air?
Walking with Edward through the crowded lunchtime rush was a lot like my first day here; everyone stared.
Maybe I should include a "we get it, Meyer" count on this blog? I'd suggest making a drinking game out of it, where every time Meyer needlessly hammers Edward's perfection into our skulls you take a drink, but I like my readership too much to kill them all off with alcohol poisoning.
In the lunchroom, Edward is giving Bella looks. She decides from his facial expression that he's more annoyed than amused, and I assume we're going to hear exactly why shortly. They sit down with their food, where seniors are gazing at them in amazement. If this were the aforementioned drinking game, you'd be taking a shot right now.
Bella is curious if Edward can eat people-food (not people AS food, I mean cafeteria lunch). This causes him to switch to asshat mode. He glares at Bella, takes a bite of pizza, and speaks condescendingly to her. That's not just me interpreting his words, the word "condescendingly" is actually used to describe his tone in the book. He compares eating human food to eating dirt, and Bella says she'd eaten dirt once on a dare.
Edward is distracted by Jessica's thoughts, explaining that she is watching them and analyzing everything he does. The mention of Jessica irritates him further. The subject of the waitress is brought up, and Bella smugly expresses pity for her, saying that she can afford to be generous now. Jealous much? (+1 Bitch)
Edward whines that he didn't like some of the things Bella said to Jessica. Bella points out that that's what he gets for eavesdropping, and that she'd told him he didn't want to know everything she was thinking.
"You did," he agreed, but his voice was still rough. "You aren't precisely right, though. I do want to know what you're thinking--everything. I just wish ... that you wouldn't be thinking some things."
I hadn't really noticed before, but it occurs to me that Meyer REALLY loves dashes.
More importantly, how messed up is that quote? Not only is Edward expressing a desire to invade Bella's private thoughts, he insinuates that he'd like those thoughts to be more to his liking. This would be interesting if this were explored in greater depth, the effects of someone so used to hearing other people's thoughts that what constitutes proper moral conduct in the use of such an ability becomes ambiguous. Unfortunately, Edward's inability to read Bella's mind is just a convenient plot device and a way to make Bella oh so special.
Bella scowls (why is everyone always scowling or glaring or frowning in this book?), offended by the implications of Edward's words, so Edward changes the subject. It turns out that Edward is bothered by how Bella had said that she cares more for Edward that he does for her. They then argue briefly over who loves who more. Edward says that she's wrong, and Bella disagrees.
"What makes you think so?" His liquid topaz eyes were penetrating ...
Liquid topaz? How many things have Edward's eyes been in this book? Now his eyes are made of liquid topaz? Last chapter they were made of honey! If Meyer is trying to give Edward's eyes a new exotic color, she has also failed. Topaz is not a color. In fact, pure topaz stones are colorless. In general topazes appear in a wide variety of colors, so just saying "topaz" to describe his eyes is saying that they could be any number of colors.
To answer the question of how Bella can be sure that Edward doesn't know if she cares for him more, I put forward the simple observation that HE CAN'T READ HER MIND! Just saying.
Bella is completely stumped and struggles to think of an answer to Edward's question. Uh, hello, he can't read your mind. That was one of the subjects of your conversation, remember? Bella asks for some time to think. Uh, Bella? He can't read your mind. Do I have to spell it out for you? She says that sometimes it sounds like he's trying to say goodbye when he's saying something else. She describes this as the best way she could sum up the "sensation of anguish" his words cause her. Ugh!
"Perceptive," he whispered.
AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
*wipes tear*
Moving on. Bella had said "aside from the obvious" as part of her answer, and Edward asks what she meant by that. When I read that line I assumed she'd meant "you can't read my mind," because that couldn't be more obvious if you wrote it on a giant billboard with neon lights. Nope, Bella meant something entirely different, and entirely shallow.
"Well, look at me," I said ...
You can tell where this is going, can't you?
"I'm absolutely ordinary--well, except for the near-death experiences and being so clumsy that I'm almost disabled. ..."
Because no ordinary person ever gets hit by an out-of-control vehicle. You NEVER see that sort of thing on the news, and nobody in the whole world ever gets mugged or raped. Crime is nonexistent, after all. And, oh, is she so clumsy; never mind that we rarely ever see that except when it's convenient for the plot.
But aside from that she is completely ordinary. In fact, she is so ordinary that the whole town of Forks had nothing better to do than to await her arrival (chapter two). She's so unremarkable that people rush to be her friend. I'm certain that average girls have several guys fall in love with them at once all the time, and have to deal with the annoyance of turning down invitations to a dance from potential boyfriends. Meyer, you can't have it both ways. You can't have Bella practically worshipped as a goddess and make her out to be a special snowflake, and then later claim that she's completely ordinary.
"... And look at you." I waved my hand toward him and all his bewildering perfection.
And yet JESSICA is the shallow one who judges people's worth by their looks? Remember, kiddies, people who are pretty can't possibly care that much about you unless your looks are on par with their own. Thus speaketh Bella Swan!
Meyer decides that she wants Bella to be a special snowflake again, so she has it mentioned that every human male in the school wants to play "hide the sausage" with her.
I am not kidding.
I am dead serious.
Every human male.
"You don't see yourself very clearly, you know. I'll admit you're dead-on about the bad things," he chuckled blackly, "but you didn't hear what every human male in this school was thinking on your first day."
What's that sound?
Oh no, my Mary Sue meter just exploded!
Apparently Bella is so super special awesome that every male in the school wants her, also proving that there are no such things as gays and lesbians in Meyerland. Personally I'm just glad that he specified "human" males; I'd hate to think that even the animals want her. *shudders* (+1 Stupidity)
Bella expresses disbelief at Edward's words. I should point out that being extraordinarily beautiful and not knowing it is a common Mary Sue trait, most typically found in poorly written fan fiction. Seriously, this book is starting to remind me of some of the Harry Potter fan fiction I've seen. Embarrassed, Bella steers the conversation back on topic, which prompts Edward to say one of the dumbest things he's said so far.
"Don't you see? That's what proves me right. I care the most, because I can do it"--he shook his head, seeming to struggle with the thought--"if leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."
Edward: Oh, Bella, you silly little human thing. Don't you see that your love can't possibly compare to mine? I can leave you if I have to ... never mind that despite constantly saying that we should stay away from each other I keep stalking you, breaking into your house, and even tracking you across towns. Now listen as I use overly-dramatic wording to describe how I'd do anything to protect you ... despite the fact that even though I believe myself to be a genuine threat to you I keep stalking you, thus contradicting my own warnings to stay away. LOOK, I SPARKLE IN SUNLIGHT!
Also, WOW! Meyer REALLY loves dashes!
I glared. "And you don't think I would do the same?"
"You'd never have to make the choice."
Holy Christ, that's messed up!
Judging by Edward's previous actions and his words just now, it's plain that he simply assumes that he controls when the relationship begins and when it will end. Bella would never have to make the choice of when to leave, because Edward would make it for her. How do people claim that Edward isn't controlling when he does things like this?
This is the kind of relationship that Twilight is heralding as the epitome of romance.
Abruptly, his unpredictable mood shifted again; a mischievous, devastating smile rearranged his features. "Of course, keeping you safe is beginning to feel like a full-time occupation that requires my constant presence."
Oh my goodness, how many times have I seen paragraphs like this in online writers workshops? The awkward wording, the dry tone, the attempt to sound intelligent that comes off as sounding wooden. Paragraphs like these make my inner editor go bonkers. I'm re-writing the above quote in my head right now, in fact.
That aside, I also find it insulting how Bella is painted as weak and in need of rescuing. She is treated like a child who requires constant supervision. This is likely just Edward being possessive and controlling, because so far there hasn't been any indication that she is, in any way, as weak as Edward thinks she is. Unfortunately, accidents and crime happen all the time and can happen to anyone. Neither the van incident nor the near mugging/raping means she's a danger magnet. It just means she lives on Earth.
"No one has tried to do away with me today," I reminded him, grateful for the lighter subject. I didn't want him to talk about goodbyes anymore.
Wait ... did she just imply than being in a life-threatening situation is a lighter topic of discussion than possibly breaking up with Edward? Nah, I probably just imagined it.
I supposed I could purposefully put myself in danger to keep him close.
*stares blankly*
What ... the ... FUCK?
I ... I just ... WOW!
I'm at a loss for words here. I thought I'd seen some stupid shit in this book, but this trumps them all by far! I'm not even sure which point I should give this line. Should I mark it for stupidity because of how incredibly idiotic it is, or should I give Bella a bitch point for being so selfish as to consider intentionally putting herself in danger to emotionally blackmail Edward into staying with her? I think I'll read a little further before deciding.
... I banished that thought before his quick eyes read it on my face. That idea would definitely get me in trouble.
Really? She didn't banish the thought because maybe, just maybe, it is WRONG? Because it is morally reprehensible? Because it is selfish and stupid and cruel? No, she just doesn't want to get caught with her hand in the cookie jar.
Definitely leaning towards bitch points right now.
"Yet," he added.
"Yet," I agreed; I would have argued but now I wanted him to be expecting disasters.
That does it!
Bella is not right in the head. There is no doubt in my mind that she needs psychiatric help. That she considers intentionally putting her own life in danger just to get Edward's attention to be not only a viable option, but also a preferable one, tells me that there is something wrong with her. She is sick, she is selfish, and she needs help. This behavior is crazy, manipulative, and it shows a wanton disregard not only for her own safety, but for the feelings of others so long as she gets what she wants. Double bitch points for her! (+2 Bitch)
Edward asks Bella if she really needs to go to Seattle or if that's just an excuse to get out of going to the dance with any of the boys that asked her. As you know, Bella had pulled that whole trip out of her ass, spur of the moment, to get out of attending the dance.
Bella, not yet done being a bitch, whines at Edward for giving Tyler the opportunity to ask her to the dance. Edward is amused by this, and you can almost see him savoring the memory of manipulating a boy who'd just got back from the hospital after suffering head trauma. Not that anyone had noticed at the time, because everyone had been too busy fawning over their precious Bella Sue, who didn't even have a headache.
Carlisle: What? That boy suffered head trauma in a car accident? Currently bleeding from the head? I see, this is quite serious. He may be concussed so it's important that we--OH MY GOD, THERE'S A MARY SUE IN THE ROOM! Forget that kid, we must give the Mary Sue all of our attention! I don't care if she's not even hurt. For the love of God, she's a Mary Sue! MARY SUE!
Edward asks if Bella would have turned him down if he'd asked her to the dance. Bella says she'd have said yes but canceled later, pleading illness or a sprained ankle. Edward asks why and she says it's because she's so clumsy. Funny how we never see this clumsiness except when it's convenient for her. It's also funny how her supposed clumsiness is never detrimental to her, at least not on screen.
Clumsiness is supposed to be Bella's one real flaw to balance out her character, because it's important that a character have exactly ONE flaw, lest she be accused of being a Mary Sue. However, clumsiness isn't really a character flaw at all. If she has trouble with tripping over things or tasks that require hand-eye coordination (how she drives her truck, in this case, is a mystery to me) then it is not a flaw in her personality. It is not a vice, it's just bad luck. It may pass as a flaw if it ended up placing her in bad situations or causing misunderstandings, but that doesn't happen here. So far the worst it has done was give Edward an opportunity to pick up her books and fetch her car key. It has only ever worked in her favor, and is clearly meant to make her more lovable rather than introducing any real fault in her character.
She talks about her gym performance, yet we have never actually seen her in gym class. We were TOLD that she fumbled the ball or tripped over another player, but we've never actually seen it happen. We never get to see Bella having a flawed moment, we're merely told about it. A singular flaw that, in practice, isn't really a flaw. That is another Mary Sue trait.
Moving on. Edward changes the subject back to the Seattle trip. He asks if Bella is up to doing something else, and Bella says that she's open to suggestions. She does request, however, that she be the one to drive. Edward asks why and she makes a reasonable case for herself, even if that case does revolve around keeping secrets from her fath--I mean, Charlie.
He rolled his eyes. "Of all the things about me that could frighten you, you worry about my driving." He shook his head in disgust ...
Gee, I wonder why Bella could possibly have a problem with a guy who drives at 100 MPH and doesn't pay attention to the road. Edward asks Bella why she's keeping him a secret from Charlie, and Bella gives a non-answer.
"With Charlie, less is always more."
Personally, I don't understand why Bella doesn't trust her father ... at all. Does she think he'll not approve of Edward, even after that speech he gave in chapter two about how much he loves the Cullens?
Edward says that it will be sunny that day so he'll be in hiding, and he invites Bella to come with him. Meyer once again specifically points out that Edward is letting Bella make a decision, which I find insulting because Meyer treats the occurrence of a man letting a woman choose as being somehow special. Bella gets excited, as this means she'll finally find out why he doesn't go out in sunlight. Oh, I can hardly wait until that scene ... like how I eagerly anticipate cancer.
What follows is an insulting exchange that perfectly highlights how their relationship functions.
"Yes." He smiled, and then paused. "But if you don't want to be ... alone with me, I'd still rather you didn't go to Seattle by yourself. I shudder to think of the trouble you could find in a city that size."
I was miffed. "Phoenix is three times bigger than Seattle--just in population. In physical size--"
"But apparently," he interrupted me, "your number wasn't up in Phoenix. So I'd rather you stayed near me." His eyes did that unfair smoldering thing again.
Notice what went on there? Edward is so convinced that Bella is incapable of taking care of herself that he doesn't trust her to take a trip by herself, much the same as a parent would treat his 10 year old kid. When Bella makes a valid point, that she is no stranger to cities and has, in fact, lived in one for most of her life, Edward dismisses her out of hand and insists that she needs to be under his supervision. Listening to him, you'd wonder how Bella had ever managed to survive without his protection.
Interestingly, Edward's attitude towards Bella mirrors how Bella feels about Charlie. As I pointed out in Chapter seven, Bella treats Charlie as if he is a child incapable of feeding himself, despite the fact that he's been living independently since Bella was in diapers. In that same way Edward treats Bella as if she can't take care of herself, which, if her brief description of her life with her mother is any indication, she essentially has been doing for years. In both cases, the first party refuses to listen to the second.
Edward sees Bella as weak, incompetent, and incapable of fending for herself. He doesn't respect her at all, he merely patronizes her. In his mind there is no balance of power in their relationship, because all of the power is his. He thinks he is the one who must make the decisions, as evidenced by an earlier quote in this chapter, and he offers her non-choices as an afterthought. Their relationship is not that of a partnership, it is a master/slave relationship with Edward controlling everything. That is NOT true love. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)
Also note the last sentence of the above quote, where Edward attempts to "dazzle" Bella in order to get his own way. Add blatant manipulation to his list of offences this chapter.
I couldn't argue, with the eyes or the motivation, and it was a moot point anyway. "As it happens, I don't mind being alone with you."
"I know," he sighed, brooding.
He knows. Edward knows that Bella isn't going to refuse to spend time with him. So far Edward has given Bella exactly two choices, and both of them have been whether to spend time with him or not. It's not giving her a choice if he only gives her the ones to which he already knows the response. To truly give someone a choice is to open yourself to refusal, which Edward never risked. Therefore, as I stated earlier, Edward has only given Bella non-choices, which only further proves how controlling he is. The illusion of choice is no choice at all.
"You should tell Charlie, though."
"Why in the world would I do that?"
His eyes were suddenly fierce. "To give me some small incentive to bring you back."
On a scale of one to ten, the level of creepiness of Edward's response ranks at "I'm filing a restraining order." It's also telling how Bella thinks so little of her father that she wonders why in the world she would want to fill him in on what's going on in her life.
If someone had said something like that to me I would slowly back away and keep my hand on my cellphone in case I needed to dial 911. The implication here is that Edward may decide to never let Bella go back home, which would be kidnapping.
I gulped, but after a moment of thought, I was sure. "I think I'll take my chances."
Edward has just implied that he might kidnap her, and she finds this preferable to telling her father where she's going. How dumb is this bitch? (+1 Stupidity)
Edward is angered by this, so Bella decides to change the subject. She asks Edward why they went to Goat's Rock, figures out that they went there to hunt bears (after an "isn't it obvious" look from Edward), and points out that bears are out of season.
"If you read carefully, the laws only cover hunting with weapons," he informed me.
Oh REALLY?
The inconvenient thing about the Internet is that it allows access to information on an unprecedented scale, so that if an amateur author who didn't do research tries to bullshit you, you can do the research she didn't and call her out on it. In this case, a quick Google search on Washington laws brought me to this document which defines hunting thusly:
(53) "To hunt" and its derivatives means an effort to kill, injure, capture, or harass a wild animal or wild bird.
I have also cross-referenced this definition with the official pamphlet on Washington state hunting regulations, which can be found here. In both documents, the definition of "to hunt" is the same.
Do you see any mention there about weapons? No? Edward is full of shit! His supposed loophole is made up, as ANY attempt to harm a wild animal is considered hunting in Washington state law, weapons or no.
Edward takes a moment to bask in his own awesomeness as Bella marvels at how he kills bears with his (no pun intended) bare hands. He says that Grizzly is Emmett's favorite. He fails to mention that Emmett prefers to hunt bears in their natural habitat, in dimly lit nightclubs full of men dressed in leather. Emmett is, according to the terminology, a pig. He may also be defined as a "power bottom."
Bella takes a moment to absorb this, then she asks what Edward's favorite is. This wasn't the reaction he was expecting, and he frowns in disapproval before saying "mountain lion." I guess he really does like the pussy.
Edward informs Bella that they try to lessen their impact on the environment by focusing on areas with an overpopulation of predators ... something that does not occur in the natural world unless something happened to radically decrease the amount of available prey. Edward continues to try to impress Bella by talking more about bears and how they're best hunted when they're irritable. Bella doesn't respond with the gushing praise and awe he's expecting, so he finally demands to know what she's really thinking. Bella wants to know how they hunt bears without weapons.
"Oh, we have weapons." He flashed his bright teeth in a brief, threatening smile. I fought back a shiver before it could expose me. "Just not the kind they consider when writing hunting laws. If you've ever seen a bear attack on television, you should be able to visualize Emmett hunting."
Yes, you can certainly visualize Emmett with a mouth full of meat, working his lips over the throbbing organ in order to make it surrender its precious fluid. GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!
How does that work anyway? Meyerpires don't have fangs, so they can't easily pierce the flesh to get at the blood (the human canine was not designed for piercing). Simply tearing at the flesh with their teeth would be terribly inefficient, as that would result in splatter and wasted blood. I just started and already I'm putting more thought into this than Meyer has.
Also, as I pointed out, Edward is full of bullshit about the hunting laws. They cover ANY attempt to harm wild animals, so teeth also count. Also, if he considers his teeth to be a weapon, wouldn't that technically violate his own made-up loophole? More importantly, this shows that Edward has absolutely no respect for the law. There is a word for what he does. It's called "poaching," and that makes him a criminal. You can be jailed for that.
Bella asks if she could see them hunt someday, which causes Edward to go batshit crazy and snap at her furiously, so much so that Bella is frightened by his reaction. Yeah, that "unconditional and irrevocable" love is simply palpable, isn't it?
Bella asks if seeing them hunt would be too scary for her, and Edward cuttingly responds that she needs a good dose of fear. Bella asks why, and Edward just glares at her and changes the subject entirely. That's how loving boyfriends behave, right? They snap at you angrily and then change the subject rather than explain themselves. A hint to the impressionable young girls out there: IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT AT ALL! If your boy behaves in such a manner it is not romantic, it makes him a jerk!
Bella realizes that the lunch period is over, and on that note the chapter finally ends.
I'm normally a patient person when it comes to books. You may not guess it from these summaries, but I still hold out some hope that something will happen to redeem this book. Ten chapters in, and nothing yet. I am not actively out to hate this book, there is simply nothing in it so far for me to like. I don't expect any avid fans to believe this, as they tend to think that only someone with an agenda could possibly dislike their precious book, but I'm fairly certain that the majority of the Twilight antis are of a similar mind as I am and can understand where I'm coming from.
Oh, and remember that prediction I made at the beginning of this summary? I was right, bonus points and all.
I need a drink.
Final Tally:
+6 Stupidity
+3 Bitch
+2 Eye Sex
+2 Bad Boyfriend
+2 Thesaurus Rape
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