Anti Spotlight - Let's Watch Twilight.

The Distressed Watcher, from That Guy with the Glasses, has begun a series of videos in which he watches and mocks Twilight, which he describes as one of the worst movies ever made.

Part One:




Part Two



Part Three:



The Distressed Watcher's Blip page.

Twilight - Chapter Fourteen

Meyer takes a big steaming infodump all over the audience.

The scene starts with Edward driving. It appears our super special awesome sparklepire is a pro at driving normally as well as insanely fast.

Like so many things, it seemed to be effortless to him. He barely looked at the road, yet the tires never deviated so much as a centimeter from the center of the lane.

Was Bella hanging from the window with measuring tape the whole time? That has to be pretty awkward. That Edward Cullen, is there nothing he can't do absolutely perfectly? I bet on their way home he performed open-heart surgery with only his fingernails, rescued a kitten from a tree, and vanquished the threat of Sauron from Middle Earth, all while still having time to escort old ladies across the street.

Hmmm. I wonder what an average day in the life of Edward Cullen would look like.



What a guy!

He listens to some music. It's oldies, of course, because Eddykins is old fashioned like that. Bella asks him if he likes 50s music. Um ... what style of music produced during the 50s would that be? You can't just say a decade and expect the other person to know exactly what you're talking about. Edward likes 50s music better than 60s music and doesn't really care for 70s music, but he finds 80s music bearable. Can you be any more vague? Would it have been too much work for Meyer to look up some bands and genres in Wikipedia, then listen to some samples so she could at least drop a few names and pretend to have done actual research? I know Meyer has some kind of personal hatred against research, but is using Google really so hard?

Stephanie Meyer, reading your book is like filling in a crossword puzzle, except not as fun. (+1 Stupidity)

"Are you ever going to tell me how old you are?" I asked, tentative, not wanting to upset his buoyant humor.

My first reaction to this was "WTF, buoyant? It floats?" Yeah, I know, it is technically the right word, but still thesaurus rape. Was a sentence like "didn't want to ruin his good mood" not impressive enough for Meyer? Things like this are fairly common with amateur writers, who may feel a compulsion to show off their brilliance by throwing in exotic words and structuring their sentences in impressive-looking ways. It's not impressive, it just makes you look like an idiot. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Luckily his "buoyant humor" is not disturbed and he "remained unclouded." *sigh* This is going to be a long chapter for me, isn't it?

Bella prods him on the subject of his age.

He sighed, and then looked into my eyes, seeming to forget the road completely for a time.

And as he looked he--

OH MY FUCKING GOD WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE! (+1 Stupidity)

I notice that Meyer constantly points out that Edward is looking at the sun. I wonder what that could mean. Could it be ... symbolism?

And then ... my god, what is this? What on Earth is happening here? We're past the halfway point and now we're finally getting ... backstory? Careful, Meyer, much more of this and you might actually have a plot. To summarize, Edward was born in 1901 and was turned in 1918 at age 17 by Carlisle while dying of Spanish Influenza.

My immediate questions are why did he turn an influenza patient and why Edward in particular? Clearly it wasn't out of compassion for suffering people, or else he would have done it on more than one person during the epidemic.

"But Carlisle has always been the most humane, the most compassionate of us ... I don't think you could find his equal throughout all of history."

Dude, I get that he saved your life and all, but come on. No equal throughout ALL of history? Try to have at least a little perspective.

Edward explains a little more about Carlisle.

"He acted from loneliness. That's usually the reason behind the choice."

So let me get this straight. Carlisle turned Edward not out of compassion, but out of loneliness? I'm sorry, but while I can understand the reasoning behind it, that is not an act of compassion. He chose to turn a person into a vampire, cursing him to a life of blood hunger, simply for his own personal gratification.

So he's lonely, and he chooses for his eternal companion ... a 17 year old pretty boy. Um ... Ho Yay?

"I was the first in Carlisle's family, though he found Esme soon after. She fell from a cliff. They brought her straight to the hospital morgue, though, somehow, her heart was still beating."

What the hell? Meyer, how do I put this gently? *cough*

HOSPITALS DO NOT SEND STILL LIVING PATIENTS STRAIGHT TO THE MORGUE, YOU STUPID BITCH! (+1 Stupidity)

So based on what we know so far, how compassionate is Carlisle? He works as a doctor, that's a plus, but that does not make him better than all the other doctors in the world. He uses his vampirism to selectively turn dying people for the sole purpose of making his own family. Nice for the people he turned, though even a dying person may object to being made undead without having any say in the matter. In particular, someone of strong religious leanings may be a bit distressed at becoming a spawn of Satan, even if it did save him from death. In fact, that might even piss the person off more, being denied a chance at Heaven in order to become an unholy creature of the night who will most certainly go to Hell.

The present day finds Carlisle with more money that God and living it up in an estate while working as a small town doctor. Does he donate a portion of his riches to charity? Does he use his accumulated knowledge and experience to do research into new medical advances that may save lives? No? He buys a private island, but he doesn't build schools or hospitals in the developing world.

While I am not saying that Carlisle is a bad person, he is nowhere near the likes of Norman Borlaug. He is certainly NOT the most compassionate person in all of history by any stretch of the imagination.

Carlisle then turned Rosalie specifically to be Edward's girlfriend. Anyone else see a pattern here? Rosalie then found Emmett about to be killed by a bear. Edward makes a big deal about Rosalie carrying Emmett 100 miles to Carlisle to be turned as if it were the most arduous journey of her life. Normally I would find such a thing impressive, but there is one little thing that kind of saps the drama out of Edward's story.

SHE'S A FUCKING SPARKLEPIRE! She is nigh indestructible, has super strength and super speed, and doesn't tire or get fatigued. Boo fucking hoo. Also, why did she move a critically injured body over 100 miles? Why didn't she take him to the nearest hospital, where doctors could at least have a chance to stabilize him? She could have left him in their care and then called Carlisle to have him come to her. This story makes no sense!

Not that Bella is very touched by this story, as she's more concerned with the "unbearable beauty of his eyes." I'm really glad I haven't eaten recently or else I'd have to buy a new keyboard ... again. (+1 Eye Sex)

Edward says that something in Emmett's eyes gave her the strength to persevere. Well, that and her actual super strength. Did I mention the super strength? It's very strong. He describes their relationship a little more, saying that sometimes they live as husband and wife, but not now since they enrolled in high school. I already pointed out how dumb it is that they attend high school.

He laughed. "I suppose we'll have to go to their wedding in a few years, again."

Who exactly are they putting on this show for? They don't have any friends outside of themselves, they're not very involved with the community, and they pretty much keep to themselves. Edward says that Forks was "perfect," but if they wanted to live incognito a small town isn't the best choice. They'd be better off in a major city where it's easy to disappear into the crowd. If they want to be really hardcore there are PLENTY of places in the USA one can disappear into. Small communities where your nearest neighbor is miles away. There are any number of areas they could have chosen where they could do pretty much whatever they wanted and either nobody would give a fuck or there'd be no one around to notice.

Here is a map of the population density of the United States. LOOK AT ALL THAT SPACE! Are you telling me that there is NOWHERE that they can set up a stable residence and maintain their privacy without the need for fake weddings and such? Carlisle put about as much effort into his choice as Meyer did with this whole book (read: none). (+1 Stupidity)

Edward then moves on to Jasper and Alice. Because, you know, having a character explain the back story of every other character is a LOT more interesting than learning about said characters through scenes or having them explain their origins themselves. It's also far better to deluge the readers with background info all at once rather than progressively learn these things about the characters by (gasp!) INTERACTING with them.

Edward is vague on Jasper's background, seeming much more interested in describing Alice.

She sees things--things that might happen, things that are coming. But it's very subjective. The future isn't set in stone. Things change."

That's awfully convenient, don't you think? This way Alice can do no wrong. If she's right she gets the credit, and if she's wrong it's because the future is "subjective." Now that this is established, Meyer can use Alice whenever it's convenient to the plot and no one can possibly question her since Alice's power does not follow any concrete rules. A cheap cop out, you say? Why on Earth would you think that?

He then gives info on the different kind of vampire tribes, and at this point I am getting bored out of my skull. There is a difference between world building and boring the reader with tedious walls of text. This section is as dry and emotionless as an encyclopedia entry.

They finally arrive at Bella's house.

It was very quiet and dark; there was no moon.

I guess you could say it was a ... *wink* ... NEW MOON! HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR!

*slap*

Sorry ...

Edward explains a little more about why they chose to live in Forks.

"Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents? There's a reason why we chose the Olympic Peninsula, one of the most sunless places in the world. It's nice to be able to go outside in the day."

Whoo boy, where do I begin?

For one, the Olympic Peninsula is NOT one of the most sunless places in the world. In the United States, perhaps, but not the world.

One other issue I have is, again, with the sparkling. Meyer bases much of her plot on the idea that vampires, whose skin she likens to diamonds, do not sparkle on cloudy days. She DOES know that diamonds CAN sparkle on cloudy days, right? Technically the meyerpires should be sparking on cloudy or sunny days, as well as when exposed to indoor lighting. I know twihards are tired of hearing criticisms about the sparkling, but it really makes no sense on ANY level. (+1 Stupidity)

Now Edward spells out Alice's back story. UGH! I'm sorry, I am getting really tired of this. While it is okay to give a little bit of back story, this infodump has gone on so long that I feel like I'm listening to a lecture. Apparently Alice is mysterious and doesn't remember her human past. You know what would have been more interesting? Having ALICE reveal these things. Maybe Bella could meet Alice and ask a seemingly innocuous question about her past and get a mystified reaction from Alice, who would then explain her lack of memory. You know, actually SHOW things rather than merely state them.

Apparently Alice's bullshit powers led her to Carlisle and Jasper, who saved her from becoming a "savage." Meaning, she never had to act like a REAL vampire, because she's just that special. Before Edward can reveal that Soylent Green is people, Darth Vader is Luke's father, and Rosebud is the sled, Bella's stomach growls, causing her to feel greatly embarrassed. Apparently getting hungry is cause for embarrassment in Meyerland.

Bella says she wants to stay with Edward and comments about how her voice would betray her "hopeless addiction" to him, as if that is a secret to Edward at this point. Hell, Edward had earlier said that Bella was intoxicated by his presence.

I couldn't picture it, this godlike creature sitting in my father's shabby kitchen chair.

Will you give it a rest already? We get it, Edward is pretty. Just give it a fucking rest! We don't need to be reminded every other paragraph about it. Stephenie Meyer, your readers are not goldfish. They are not going to forget what you described a page ago without constant reminders. You've already established that he's physically attractive, at least to Bella. Now would you kindly establish how beautiful he might be in other ways, or is physical beauty the only type that you equate with love?

Edward gets out of the car and goes to the passenger door ... WITH SPARKLEPIRE SPEED! Actually, the way Bella describes it, it's more like he teleported. It would be really funny if one the sparklepies tripped while running at hyper speed.

Edward opens the house door for Bella. She stops to ask if the door had been left unlocked, and Edward informs her that he used her hidden spare key.

Okay, that's a little odd but I'm sure there's an explanation for how he knew the key was there.

Then Bella notes that he couldn't have known where the key was since she'd never used it in front of him.

Creepiness rising ...

And then Edward admits to spying on her.

WHAT ... THE ... FUCK?

"You spied on me?" But somehow I couldn't infuse my voice with the proper outrage. I was flattered.

...

... ...

... ... ...

... ... ... ... Flattered?

*Stares open-mouthed at the book*

She ... was ... FLATTERED?

Sorry for the ellipses rape, but ... WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS FUCKING GIRL FUCKING THINKING? FLATTERED? FLATTERED? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER?

FUCK!

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

I honestly don't know what to say. This girl is either crazy or extremely stupid. (+1 Stupidity)

He was unrepentant. "What else is there to do at night?"

Um, let's see. ANYTHING ELSE? I'm sure the issue of how to spend one's night hours is such a problem for people everywhere, and we all agree that stalking unsuspecting girls who are much younger than you is the only answer (sarcasm). That he makes light of his actions shows what kind of moral character he has. Stalking a person, spying on her, invading her privacy, watching her without her knowledge or consent, is a JOKE to Edward. A JOKE!

A criminal who feels remorse for his actions at least has some decency in him. His actions are still wrong, and he still deserves whatever punishment he gets, but at least there is some glimmer of hope for that person. A criminal who shows no remorse, who thinks of it as a joke, a game, and would do it again without a second thought, is beyond hope. Beyond redemption. He is a monster.

Edward's attitude is disturbing for exactly that reason. It's not just that he's stalking Bella, it's how he views it. He treats it as if it's no big deal, as if it's his right to break into her house and spy on her. That attitude is more dangerous than the actual stalking, and is a sign that Edward is not entirely sane. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

I let it go for the moment ...

No! That is not something that you just "let go." If she had even a residue of self-respect she would DEMAND to know why he was spying on her and condemn the action.

He was there before me, needing no guide.

Do you know what this says? Edward's intrusions into Bella's house clearly hasn't been limited to her bedroom. He could quite possibly have been all over the place, maybe even going through their things while they were asleep. THIS is the kind of behavior people are praising as romantic? Dear God, people! Rub two of your brain cells together and put a little thought into what's going on here. This man is a sociopath!

I wonder what goes on in Edward's mind when he does this?



Kidding aside, stalking is a serious issue. Anyone who's been through it, or knows someone who's been through it, can tell you how horrible it can be. That stalking is glorified in this book is just plain sick.

Bella takes a moment to describe how "his [Edward's] beauty lit up the kitchen" because he sat down in a chair. Excuse me while I gag. Finally she gets back the issue of the stalking.

"How often?" I asked casually.

I only hope she spoke casually either in an attempt to hide her fear or to avoid angering the potentially homicidal stalker that's sitting in her kitchen. If she's just plain casual, as in okay with it, Bella Swan is officially dead to me.

I still didn't turn around. "How often did you come here?"
"I come here almost every night."
I whirled, stunned. "Why?"

Oh thank goodness, there is hope for this girl yet. For a moment there I actually started thinking that she was completely out of touch with reality. This is the kind of reaction I expect from someone who's just learned that someone has been breaking into her room almost every night.

"You're interesting when you sleep." He spoke matter-of-factly. "You talk."

Fucking hell! Edward Cullen is officially scum. Let's use our imaginations for a moment. Picture yourself sitting in a house, late at night, watching television. You'd been hired to babysit a neighbor's kid. She's asleep, so you're just waiting for the parents to return from their night out.

The phone rings. You pick it up, ready to tell the person on the other end that the Smiths aren't in right now but you can take a message, when you hear these words:

"You're interesting when you sleep. You talk."

The person on the other end also informs you that, yes, he does know what you did last summer.

No matter how you slice it, Edward's words are creepy, disturbing, criminal, and wrong. Not even the almighty "twu wuv" defense can justify breaking into the house of someone he just met to watch her sleep, and, as I observed earlier, possibly even rummage through the rest of the house. He had no right, NO RIGHT, to do that. It's not just Bella's privacy that he's violated; that is Charlie's home. His home had been invaded by a stranger multiple times. He's a cop so I assume something like that would not sit well with him, to say the least.

How would YOU feel if you learned that someone had not only broken into your house, but has been stalking your only daughter; spying on her without her knowledge or consent! Tell me, twi-moms, would you really be okay with that? Would you be perfectly fine with that happening to your children? If your answer is no, then why praise a book that romanticizes such behavior? If your answer is yes, then you are unfit to call yourself a parent.

"No!" I gasped, heat flooding my face all the way to my hairline. I gripped the kitchen counter for support.

Yes, finally! Now do you see what kind of sicko you're dealing with, Bella-Sue? Tell him to leave! Get far, far away from that whackjob!

I knew I talked in my sleep, of course; my mother teased me about it. I hadn't thought it was something I needed to worry about here, though.

*stares blankly*

What?

Am I reading this right? No, it can't be. Not even Bella fucking Swan could possibly be that stupid, that insane. I'm sure the outrage over the stalking is imminent.

His expression shifted instantly to chagrin.

Chagrin?

SHE SAID THE SECRET WORD!

"Are you very angry with me?"
"That depends!" I felt and sounded like I'd had the breath knocked out of me.

That's right, Bella, let him have it! Tell him how big of an asshole he is!

He waited.
"On?" he urged.

Here it comes ...

"On what you heard!" I wailed.

...
... ...
... ... ...

*jaw drops*

What ... the ...

Did she just say, does this mean that ... ERROR: A FATAL EXCEPTION OE HAS OCCURED AT 0137:BFFA21C9. THE CURRENT APPLICATION WILL BE TERMINATED. I AM ERROR. I AM ERROR.

PRESS ANY KEY TO TERMINATE THE CURRENT APPLICATION.

PRESS CTL+ALT+DEL TO RESTART YOUR SNARKER. YOU WILL LOSE ANY UNSAVED SNARK IN ALL APPLICATIONS.

Rebooting ...

... ... ...

Welcome to Twilight Snarker 7. Loading OS.

... ... ...

Restarting Snarker application.

... ... ...

Restoring application to the last restore point.

... ... ...

Reboot complete. Have a nice day.

... ... ...

WHAT THE FUCK!?

I now understand why a picture of Twilight is used on TVTropes as a prime example of Stalking is Love. The quote on the page perfectly illustrates the double standard that seemingly gives Edward a free pass for this kind of disturbing behavior.

A hot girl who follows you around and shows up at your door is a friend. An ugly girl who follows you around and shows up at your door is a stalker. A hot guy who gives you flowers is a romantic. An ugly guy who gives you flowers is a stalker.
— Urban Dictionary on stalkers

It's quite a sad commentary that people will bend over backwards to excuse Edward's illegal and immoral behavior because they're too busy drooling over his ass to really think about what he's doing. A cynical person might conclude that it isn't who you are or what you do, but how you look, that determines right and wrong.

But that's another issue entirely. Bella Swan ... how do I even begin to express my complete and utter disgust at her reaction? She just learned that the guy had broken into her house numerous times, invaded her privacy, stalked her, and watched her as she slept without her knowledge or permission, and her sole concern is that she talks in her sleep? One stupidity point is not enough for this. Two points won't even properly convey how stupid her behavior is; how completely out of touch with reality she is.

This is a first for this blog, folks. Bella has just won the gold medal of stupid. She has broken all barriers of insanity and reached new heights of intellectual sloth. Reason doesn't exist for her. Common sense doesn't apply to her in the slightest. Her stupidity is so enormous that it's a miracle that she hasn't earned a Darwin award a dozen times over by now. For this there can only be one response. Bella Swan has earned triple stupidity points. (+3 Stupidity)



Edward tells Bella not to be upset and fixes her with an emo stare. She is, of course, embarrassed. Bella's emotional range, on any given day, seems to go from bitchy irritation at people being nice to her to total embarrassment at the slightest provocation.

Edward tells Bella some of the stuff he heard her say in her sleep, about how she misses her mother (which, as I pointed out in chapter one, is entirely Bella's fault and was avoidable), about the sound rain makes, and stuff about home. Bella is amazingly articulate when she sleep talks, isn't she? Oh, she also complains about the plant life in her sleep, once again completely reversing her attitude towards plants. At the beginning she despised anything green, going so far as to complain about potted plants. Later she marveled at the beauty of a forest (chapter 6), and now she's back to whining about plants. A little consistency would be nice, Meyer!

Edward also mentions that Bella says his name in her sleep ... a lot. Not that this should come as a surprise for anyone who's managed to survive this book up to this point. I can just imagine Edward sitting there, playing with himself while sniffing Bella's used panties.

Edward: Yeah! Oh, yeah! Say my name, Bella! Say it again. Again. SAY MY NAME, BITCH!

Bella's fath--I mean, Charlie, comes home, which causes Edward to display his latest superpower: teleportation.

Then we both heard the sound of tires on the brick driveway, saw the headlights flash through the front windows, down the hall to us. I stiffened in his arms.
"Should your father know I'm here?" he asked.
"I'm not sure ..." I tried to think through it quickly.
"Another time then ..."
And I was alone
"Edward!" I hissed.
I heard a ghostly chuckle, then nothing else.

Here I picture Bella falling over and hitting her head when Edward teleports away. I'm sorry Eddykins, but you are not batman. It just makes you look like a prick when you do it, especially when you laugh at the girl you just left.

Maybe it isn't teleportation; it could be invisibility. That would explain how his chuckle could be "ghostly," as in resembling the characteristics of ghosts. Did Edward go "wwoOoOo!" or stop to throw his voice so that it sounded like he was in the room with her when he wasn't? Or maybe Meyer meant to say that his chuckle was just incredibly eerie. That's not a very positive description. I mean, seriously, if someone disappeared on me and left behind a "ghostly" chuckle, I'd call a fuckin' priest! (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Anyway, her fath--dammit, I mean Charlie, enters the house.

"Bella?" he called. It had bothered me before; who else would it be? Suddenly he didn't seem so far off base.

You know, Bella words this in a way that tries to make ... Charlie (Ha! I got it this time!) sound like an idiot, which I find hilarious considering the boundless stupidity she just demonstrated. Note how she doesn't even pause to consider what Edward's repeated break-ins might mean to Charlie. The thought doesn't even cross her mind. That stupid, ungrateful, inconsiderate, self-absorbed bitch! (+1 Bitch)

His footsteps sounded so noisy after my day with Edward.

You know, for a someone made of stone Edward is amazingly lightweight.

He stepped on the heels of his boots to take them off, holding the back of Edward's chair for support.

Edward's chair? If this were any other person I'd assume the words were meant as "the chair Edward had sat in," but given Bella/Meyer's track record, it wouldn't at all surprise me if Bella now considers that "Edward's chair," in the possessive sense, merely because he'd sat in it once.

Also Bella's tongue is set on fire by lasagna.

Charlie sat in the chair, and the contrast between him and its former occupant was comical.

Oh no she didn't!

It's bad enough that she disrespects her classmates based on their appearance, but now she's making comparisons between Edward and her father? Disregarding how squicky it is that Bella is comparing her father to someone she wants to have sex with, it also says something about her view of people. Not even family members are deserving of respect if they don't meet her prettiness standards.

"It was a nice day," he agreed. What an understatement, I thought to myself.

A nice day? She considers the day she learned that someone has been stalking her and breaking into her house to be NICE! NICE? UGH!

Charlie surprised me by being observant. "In a hurry?"

Yeah, because she was SOOO subtle about wanting to leave, the way she wolfed down her food. Give the man at least SOME credit! The way Bella talks about her father you'd think he belonged in a program for the mentally challenged.

"You look kinda keyed up," he noted. Why, oh why, did this have to be his night to pay attention.

Oh, I don't know, maybe because he's your FATHER? That's his job, you stuck-up little whore! It's not like this is the first time he's expressed concern for her in this book. He has, and each time she's dismissed and patronized him as if he were a child. Show a little respect for the man who let you into his home and goes out of his way for you. Do you have ANY idea how many young people in America alone would LOVE to be so fortunate?

I'm not saying that he can't get on her nerves--she is a teenager, after all--but she doesn't so much as pay lip service to Charlie's authority as her father. The worst part is that we're meant to sympathize with BELLA. I am truly disgusted by that. I think Bella has been given a free pass for too long. Charlie should put his foot down. He is not one of her classmates that she can simply dismiss. He is her FATHER, and that should mean something! (+1 Bitch)

Even this, however, I would find a lot more understandable if Bella, as a character, had a little more depth. Perhaps if there were some scenes in which the two butt heads, Bella blaming Charlie for separating from her mother and, in effect, no longer feeling beholden to him. That would not only explain her attitude towards Charlie, it would also make for a much more interesting read. But NOOO! That would mean introducing CONFLICT, and we can't have that. No sir! Everything has to be gum drops and rainbows in Meyerland. No conflict, no struggling to come to grips with personal issues or real-life complications. It's all butterflies and sparkles forever and ever!

At least on the surface. When you look a little deeper it becomes clear how fundamentally "off" everything is, almost like a crapsaccharine world. Twilight seems idealistic at first glance, but look any closer and you see the cracks in its facade. The beautiful romance turns out to be a story of neurotic obsession rife with controlling behavior by mentally unstable individuals. In reality it is the stuff police reports are made of. I find this fascinating, in its own way. It's just sad that so many people look at this and view it as the ideal romance.

Moving on. Meyer describes Bella washing the dishes, down to how she places them to dry (why?). Charlie then expresses some fatherly interest in Bella. Knowing Bella, this probably won't end well.

"It's saturday," he mused.
I didn't respond.
"No plans tonight?" he asked suddenly.

How could he have asked that "suddenly" when the question directly follows another related statement? If Meyer deleted the two lines preceding it then it would be a sudden question.

Remember back in chapter six when I said how Meyer has a bad habit of bluntly explaining everything her characters mean, thus robbing them of any personality? We get another example of that.

"None of the boys in town your type, eh?" He was suspicious, but trying to play it cool.

WHY EXPLAIN THAT? Any half-way decent writer can get that point across without the need to flat-out explain it to the readers. It's called subtlety.

"No, none of the boys have caught my eye yet." I was careful not to over-emphasize the word boys in my quest to be truthful with Charlie.

Again, WHY EXPLAIN THAT? Also, is being honest with her father such a chore for her that she has to think of it as a quest? Does she see a giant gold exclamation mark over Charlie's head whenever she talks to him?

Anyway, they go on like that. Bella gets more bitchy as the conversation goes on, sniping at Charlie in the narration after just about everything he says. I especially like this bit.

"See you in the morning, Dad." See you creeping into my room tonight at midnight to check on me.

Aside from the eye-roll inducing cliche, you know what I find really hilarious? Apparently it's bad for her father to check up on her at night, but when Edward BREAKS INTO HER ROOM in order to WATCH HER SLEEP it is ever so romantic! Ugh!

Bella fails her quest to be truthful to her father, because she tricks him into thinking she's going to bed. The first thing she does is open her window and call out to Edward. *facepalm*

It turns out that wasn't necessary because he's already in her bed and then she ...

Wait, what?

He lay, smiling hugely, across my bed, his hands behind his head, his feet dangling off the end, the picture of ease.

He ... he actually ... he just went and ... ERROR: A FATAL EXCEPTION OE HAS OCCURED AT 0137:BFFA21C9. THE CURRENT APPLICATION WILL BE TERMINATED. I AM ERROR. I AM ERROR.

*Minutes later*

WHAT THE FUCK!?

God fucking dammit! What on Earth is WRONG with people if THIS is considered romantic? Newsflash, kiddies: if a guy breaks into your house without your knowledge or consent, then later helps himself to your bed without your permission or knowledge, you should CALL THE POLICE! That kind of behavior is a sign of someone who is possessive, if not downright needy; neurotic, if not completely insane; and unbalanced, if not totally abusive.

You know what worries me, especially when I read comments from twihards about how much they wish Edward were real? I worry that these poor naive people will go looking for this kind of guy in real life. I worry even more that they might actually find one, because in the real world people who exhibit the personality traits displayed by Edward in this book tend to be abusive control freaks. Either that or anti-social users who are perfectly willing to tell these desperate girls what they want to hear and then take advantage of them.

I can already hear the fangirls crying "he did it because he wuvs her!" or "it's just fantasy!" The previous paragraph should illustrate how the latter protest doesn't fly, and as for the former, I wonder if they would be nearly so forgiving with a guy who's overweight and ugly. I'm sorry, but Edward doesn't get to screw the rules because Meyer says he's pretty.

Sparkledouche, this is long overdue! One point is not enough to properly convey my disgust at your complete lack of boundaries. (+2 Bad Boyfriend)

Anyway, Edward picks Bella up as if she were a toddler. I am not kidding. That is actually what's written in the book. He picks her up as if she's a fuckin' toddler. The man treats the girl as if she's a baby. That is not sexist in any way.

"Can I have a minute to be human?" I asked.

Okay, I am seriously getting annoyed by this. Ever since the big non-reveal, Bella and Edward have been using the word "human" back and forth. I found it cute the first time some aspect of Edward was jokingly called human, but now this is really overstaying its welcome. We get it, Edward is a vampire and Bella is a squishy human. Move on already.

Bella rushes off to groom herself. I find it odd that she keeps her toiletries in a bag. That's what you do if you're in a hotel or sleeping over for a few days. If she considered the place her home she'd have left her toothbrush in the bathroom. Meyer describes Bella brushing her teeth and taking a shower.

BRAIN BLEACH NOW PLEASE!

The familiar smell of my shampoo made me feel like I might be the same person I had been this morning.

What does that even mean? Why am I reading this? Why does Meyer make absolutely no effort to write an actual plot or develop her characters, yet pads her book with the kind of stuff most authors gloss over, if not skip entirely? For the love of God, she even describes Bella getting dressed (Holey t-shirt, Batman!).

After Bella showers she goes downstairs to deceive her father again before returning to Edward.

Edward hadn't moved a fraction of an inch, a carving of Adonis perched on my faded quilt.

What is it with this girl and her measuring tape? Comparing Edward to Adonis might actually make sense; it would mean they both have tiny dicks.

This sentence calls to mind a line from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. In one episode Worf falls in love with a klingon woman and describes her for Jadzia, even going so far as to compare her eyes to gemstones. Jadzia, however, is not impressed. She says, "sounds like you're describing a statue. What would you do with a woman like that? Put her up on a pedestal and clean her every week?"

I mention that because it illustrates my attitude towards Bella's frequent descriptions of Edward, and how I am entirely unimpressed by her referring to him as a statue. When I think of romance I don't think of statues. Cold, lifeless, soulless statues. You can admire a statue, but you can't love one. That is one of the major flaws in the supposed romance in this book. Meyer's take on love, much like statues, appears pretty on the surface, but there is absolutely nothing past those surface qualities. It is shallow, shallow, shallow.

Edward asks what the whole song and dance was for, and Bella tells him that Charlie thinks she's sneaking out. Never mind that he hasn't really given any indication of that and this is all speculation on Bella's part, but I'm sure she's absolutely right on this. She's a Mary Sue, after all, and they're always right unless it's convenient for the plot that they be wrong.

Edward decides to make out with Bella Eskimo style, and while he's doing that Bella asks how he's able to touch her with no apparent struggle with his vampire nature. Edward's response is such a gigantic ass pull that it makes me want to blue screen again.

"Mind over matter."

Oh boy, where do I even begin?

Remember practically every other word out of Edward's mouth in previous chapters? Remember his constant warnings of "I'm dangerous, stay away!" he gave Bella while hypocritically stalking her? Remember his speech during the meadow scene about how all-powerful the vampire blood thirst is; that even the strongest vampire in existence could slip at some point?

Yep, that stuff.

All bullshit.

Every word of it.

All that tension Meyer tried to built, all that effort to make Edward seem dangerous (in a sexy way, of course) has just been a waste of time. She ... wasted ... our ... time. We will never have that time back. Our only reward is a plot point that went nowhere. The first half of the fucking book was practically dedicated to this idea of a forbidden love between Bella and a vampire who wants to eat her. It's ON THE BACK COVER for crying out loud!

All gone.

But look on the bright side! This means that Edward no longer has any internal conflict. He can simply will himself not to eat Bella and that's that. Isn't that SO much better than seeing him wrestle with his inner demons and ultimately become a stronger person for it? Character growth is for losers.

No need to worry too much, kiddies. I'm sure this will only last until the next time Edward feels like being emo and whining about how dangerous he is. Nothing will ever actually come of it, but he sure will complain a lot. That's the same thing as character growth, isn't it? One sloppily constructed sentence later, they start staring at each other and Edward wonders what's up.

"Did I do something wrong?"

You stalked her. You broke into her house numerous times. You stalked her. You ignored her wishes. You stalked her. You threatened her back at the parking lot. You stalked her. You condescended her. You stalked her. You put her life in danger for your own personal gratification. You stalked her. You ordered her about and treated her like a child. You stalked her.

I can go on.

Did I mention the stalking?

Oh, he meant what he did wrong recently. *roll eyes*

"No--the opposite. You're driving me crazy," I explained.

I don't think Meyer quite understands what dashes are for. Here's a hint: a dash is NOT a replacement for a comma! Also, would it kill her to use the word "said" once in a while?

Eddykins goes on about how wonderful Bella is. In a dialogue that points out just how big of a Mary Sue Bella is, it turns out that Edward is a total virgin, having never been with a girl before Bella in his 100+ years of life. Ugh! Such a giant fucking Sue!

This brings to mind my favorite quote from Robert Pattinson regarding his portrayal of Edward.

“When you read the book,” says Pattinson, … “it’s like, ‘Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.’ I mean, every line is liked that. He’s the most ridiculous person who’s so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn’t do that. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that’s how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he’s a 108 year-old virgin so he’s obviously got some issues there.” – Robert Pattinson, Empire Magazine 10/2008

I tend to agree with Pattinson on this one. Edward obviously has some major issues here. I have seen fans defend Edward's actions by citing his virginity, how it must have been so horrible for him to live for so long without loving anyone. My response to that is "who's bloody fault is that?"

Seriously, if in a population of billions one cannot get laid in 100 years I do not have pity on that person. Since Edward is supposedly not lacking in the looks department I can only assume that he has either never even tried to find a girl, or his standards are ridiculously high. Given how he so snootily judges everyone around him, his nose held high, I'm inclined to believe that it's his own damn fault.

Us mere mortals often have to learn to compromise when choosing our partners. Aiming for perfection is a surefire way to spend many a lonely night. Love doesn't work with the clear-cut logic of a spreadsheet. Often you end up with something in a partner that you didn't even know you wanted. By compromise I do not necessarily mean "settle for less." I mean being open to something other than what you imagine as perfection. Keep an open mind; you might be surprised at what ends up attracting you to someone.

Either Edward never tried or he judged too harshly. In the former case it's his prerogative and there's no need for any pity; in the latter case it's his own damn fault and I have absolutely no sympathy for him. Oh, wait, I just thought of an even more likely reason why he was alone. HE'S AN OBSESSIVE CONTROL FREAK WHO STALKS PEOPLE!

Not that his attraction to Bella is anything other than shallow. Let's count the reasons why he thinks he's in love with her. Her blood is yummy and ... um ... oh, he also can't read her mind. Anything else? Hmmm ... I guess Edward also thinks Bella is pretty. Notice how Bella's personality doesn't seem to factor in here.

Meyer tries to explain again why Edward no longer has any internal conflict. You see, he was just unsure of himself. He just had to choose not to eat Bella and decide that he was strong enough to resist his blood hunger. Never mind that if it really is that simple, what's stopping everyone from doing it? Hell, smokers have a harder time resisting their cravings than vampires. Am I actually suppose to sympathize with this guy?

I now want nothing more than to find Meyer and beat her over the head with all four books tied together. (+1 Stupidity)

I'd never seen him struggle so hard for words. It was so ... human.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, SHUT THE HELL UP! Edward has ALWAYS acted human. He has never once demonstrated behavior that could qualify as non-human. If he were not acting human he'd be neatly packing Bella's severed body parts and choosing which sections to have for a snack later.

"So there's no possibility now?"
"Mind over matter," he repeated ...

THAT DOES IT, EVERYONE DIES!



I'm just going to speed this up before I smash my keyboard in a blind rage.

Edward whines about how hard his struggle is, contradicting what he said earlier. It seems that Edward's blood thirst is absolutely no problem, except, of course, for when Meyer wants to create false tension.

"Bring on the shackles--I'm your prisoner," But his long hands formed manacles around my wrists as he spoke.

Really, Meyer? That's the image you want to go with? Prisoners and shackles? It is an apt metaphor for how possessive and controlling Edward is, but something tells me that wasn't what you meant. In any case, that line is almost as bad as the "lion and the lamb" thing.

Edward talks about how different it is to be in love than to read about it, and Bella agrees. I couldn't help but laugh when she said that love was more "forceful" than she imagined. Honey, Edward forcing his will on you isn't love.

Edward talks about jealousy, and we now learn the reason why Edward started breaking into Bella's bedroom to watch her sleep. For those of you who thought it was supposed to be some grand romantic overture, think again. Edward only did it because he was jealous of Mike for asking Bella to the dance. That is not romantic. That is petty, childish, and self-serving. That he goes from school boy jealousy to breaking and entering proves that he has no impulse control.

What exactly was the point of that? All Mike did was ASK, and Bella said no, and for that Edward gets angry and breaks into Bella's home? If Bella had said yes then maybe he'd have a reason to be jealous, but even then breaking and entering would still be extreme.

More importantly, if he actually was jealous of Mike, why was there no indication of this in chapter four when he asked her out? Quite the opposite, Edward was AMUSED the whole time. He laughed it up. He wasn't a seething ball of jealous fury, he was chuckling and teasing Bella, even going so far as to trap her truck in the parking lot specifically to give Tyler a chance to ask her out! Then he laughed about it some more.

And why is he jealous of Mike and not, say, Eric or Tyler, both of whom had asked her out that same day? Did Meyer forget those two had been there? Whatever happened to Eric, anyway? Is he still in the book? This plot hole is officially so big that I could bury Meyer in it and use her copious amounts of bullshit to seal her inside so she can never write another god awful book again.

Meyer, get your damn facts straight and at least TRY to be consistent. And no, I don't count routinely sucking as a form of consistency. (+1 Stupidity)

And one for Edward for being a needy, obsessive control freak with no sense of boundaries. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

Edward tells Bella how she'd said his name as she slept, and decided from then that he couldn't stay away from her. Um, sparkledouche, you failed to "stay away" from her the moment you started BREAKING INTO HER HOUSE! He then gets angry and calls Mike vile. Okay, this officially goes beyond mere jealousy. This is possessiveness. The outright hatred of Mike, coupled with breaking into Bella's house, simply because he asked her to a dance (and was rejected) is overkill. I could maybe understand Edward wanting to rub it in Mike's face that he got Bella and not him. Then again, I don't expect such juvenile behavior from a guy who's more than a century old.

The fact that he is so pissed at Mike tells us that, even now, he still views him as a threat. Despite it being perfectly obvious that Bella is psychotically obsessed with Edward, he's still paranoid enough to believe that Mike could steal her away somehow. That, right there, is not healthy. That is a clear sign that Edward is possessive, controlling, and territorial. That is not the kind of guy you want to get involved with.

Also, Edward had been eavesdropping on Bella's talk with Charlie and got angry because Charlie had simply mentioned Mike's name. He then says "of course," as in, "of course I've been eavesdropping on you, Bella," as if that were his right. Arrogant bastard!

So what does all this teach us? Twilight says that if you're having doubts about your relationship its perfectly okay to spy on the other person. Break into that new girlfriend's house, eavesdrop on her conversations, it's good for you! *facepalm*

I'll give Edward a little credit, at least he admits he's being irrational. Admitting something, however, is completely worthless unless one actually does something about it. The one who errs and doesn't realize it is forgivable. The one who knows his error and continues anyway is a fool.

Edward's jealousy is so nonsensical that even Bella calls him out on it. Edward gives a bullshit answer about Bella "awakening the human" in him, which makes absolutely no sense. He had been acting human long before Bella ever arrived in Forks. If not, he wouldn't have bothered attending high school constantly all this time, or drinking animal blood out of some misguided sense of compassion. He clearly identifies with humanity or none of that would really matter to him.

Bella expresses her jealousy of Rosalie. This shows how shallow she is, and how shallow this whole relationship is, because the only criteria being considered is Rosalie's physical appearance.

Edward: You don't understand how insanely jealous I've been. I mean, Mike asked you to the DANCE! The nerve of him! How dare he not realize that you are my property even though I had been doing everything in my power to avoid you at the time?

Bella: You think YOU have it tough? You were supposed to be with Rosalie! Since her physical attractiveness is roughly 100x that of mine, that means her love is that much purer, because love is only about looks.

Edward: Don't worry Bella, there is no competition because you are 10x more attractive to me. Look at how deep I am to pick you over her, even though the only attribute we've discussed has been physical looks and I did just admit that I picked you because I think you're more attractive. TWU WUV FTW!

That is their conversation in a nutshell.

Edward gives a long-winded speech about how special Bella is, which only serves to point out how much of a Mary Sue she is and stroke both Meyer and the audience's egos. Edward wasn't complete in nearly ninety years of life because Bella (and, vicariously, Meyer and the audience) hadn't been born yet. You hear that, guys? You are SO special that the world was an empty, dreary place before you came to grace it with your divine presence. No wonder people like this book; you'd never have to buy toilet paper again with how much it licks your ass. (+1 Purple Prose)

This is pure wish fulfillment on Meyer's part. I'm sure there are plenty of people who'd love to hear someone say something like that to them. Personally I wouldn't, and I think anyone who'd say that to me with a straight face is trying too hard. However there are many that would, and Twilight is telling those people what they want to hear. It is ego masturbation in its basest form.

They go on like that until Charlie comes to check up on her. Edward hides, and when Charlie is gone he gets into bed with her. I guess I shouldn't be surprised by this point. More pointless small talk and Edward comments that Bella smells like lavender or freesia. He calls the scent mouthwatering. Um, I don't know about you, but when I smell flowers the last thing I want to do is eat them.

Bella asks Edward why he doesn't eat humans, and he gives a long-winded speech about rising above his instincts and trying to reclaim his humanity and blah blah blah. This ties into what I said earlier about Edward essentially being human long before Bella arrived. It also says something about the way they think. They laud human values as being superior to vampire ones and hold up humanity as a golden standard to strive for. In essence, they're not really vampires psychologically. Humans are food to vampires, many of whom might not be too thrilled with the idea of emulating their dinner.

Bella asks why vampires have superpowers and Meyer, through Edward, gives us a hand wave about the powers coming from their strongest human traits being amplified when they were turned. Edward, for example, can read minds supposedly because he was a sensitive person before he was turned. While I could argue that there is a HUGE difference between having a sensitive personality and having superpowers, this just points out yet another contradiction in Meyer's story.

Meyer claims that her vampires are based on science and has attempted to give scientific explanations for certain aspects of her abominations, such as why they sparkle, why they're not attracted to vaginal blood, and why Edward was able to impregnate Bella when she had previous said it was impossible. While superpowers from personality traits may work if you're dealing with mystical creatures, Meyer has taken a firm scientific stance here. She has went on record as stating that the reason her sparklepires aren't harmed by the sun is because she thought that would be too mystical ... yet having mind-reading powers because you were a sensitive person somehow is not.

I'm sorry, Meyer, but you can't have it both ways. Either they're scientific or they're mystical. Pick one. Judging from how you seem to have an extremely loose grasp on science to begin with, I suggest the latter. (+1 Stupidity)

Apparently Jasper's superpower is that he can influence the emotions of other people, such as calming an angry crowd. Given what he will later do in New Moon, it seems that his power doesn't work on himself.

At this point I am getting extremely tired of this chapter and am just trying to get through it. This conversation seems to be lasting forever and I am bored out of my skull. Meyer, we don't need a point-by-point description of the other characters. How about actually SHOWING us some of these fantastical powers in context rather than EXPLAINING them.

Now Edward states his creationist leanings as he tries to explain where vampires come from. He states that vampires could have evolved like any other species, which shows how little Meyer understands evolution, but prefers to believe that God made vampires along with humans. After more pointless dialogue Edward gets irritated at not being able to read her mind.

"I'm glad you can't read my thoughts. It's bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking."

And people think this is romantic WHY? At this point I've exhausted my outrage at Edward's criminal behavior, so I'm just going to facepalm at this.

And now the book that supposedly promotes abstinence goes into the topic of Edward and Bella having sex. Excuse me while I chug some brain bleach to remove that horrible image from my head.

Blah blah, it's too dangerous, blah blah, Edward could kill her easily, blah blah, all the same "I'm dangerous, stay away" crap we've been hearing ad nauseum throughout this book. Moving on.

By the way, I'm giving Meyer a thesaurus rape point for her overuse of formal words in the sections I've covered. I'll quote one example for context, but it's one of many.

He seemed to deliberate for a moment.

What 17 year-old girl thinks like that? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

After telling Bella that he thinks she's hot, she finally, FINALLY goes to sleep, thus ending the chapter. Oh, and apparently Edward has the voice of an archangel. I swear, even Harry Potter fanfic writers show more restraint when describing their Mary Sues. Ugh!

I thought I knew what I was getting myself into when I started this blog, but reading this book is like psychological torture. I've done enough research to sort of understand why it's popular, but good Lord, people! Couldn't you guys have picked a better written love story to orgasm over? How can a chapter in which nothing happens be so long? Or did it just feel long to me because it was so boring?

I need a drink.

Final Tally:

+12 Stupidity
+4 Bad Boyfriend
+3 Thesaurus Rape
+2 Bitch
+1 Eye Sex
+1 Purple Prose

Anti Spotlight - Lifetime Special

This Anti-Spotlight is a little different in that it isn't about Twilight per se.

You see, while working on the next chapter I began to think that Edward reminds me of a character from some movie I'd seen over 10 years ago. I couldn't remember what movie that was, but then it recently came to me. The movie in question is called Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? starring Tori Spelling and Ivan Sergei. Overall it's a mediocre film (your mileage may vary), but what I find interesting is the way it portrays obsessive love, especially when compared to Twilight.

Kevin is basically Edward, but more overt (to put it mildly). Even some of their actions are similar, like how Kevin disables Laurel's car and how he spies on her. The big difference is that in this movie Kevin's actions are not glorified. He's the villain. His obsession over Laurel is meant to be creepy and disturbing. In Twilight, Edward's actions are glorified. Their creepy and/or disturbing undertones are either dismissed by fans or excused because "he only does it because he loves her."

I'd recommend watching it for comparison's sake. I haven't read the book the movie is based on, so I can't give any comments on that. I searched for clips online, but found nothing. I did, however, find the full movie for you to stream. Watch if you're interested, at least until the movie is inevitably taken down due to copyright claims. Aside from the Twilight comparison the movie can be enjoyable in a "so bad it's good" sort of way.

Watch Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?

What I've been up to.

Dear readers,

Whew, it's been a long couple of months for me. Long, but not unpleasant. A slew of family members (and their kids) visiting over the summer and taking up every available room kept my hands full. That and my dedication to my writing filled my hours so completely that there would have to have been more of them in a day to fit everything I'd been juggling. Things are quiet now, so I'm happy to get back to my other interests, this blog included.

As some of you might know I recently finished writing a book. At the moment I'm waiting until a small printer issue is dealt with (I have a Brother printer that, for some reason, decided it doesn't want to print the color black). I'm looking into getting that old inkjet replaced with a laser printer, but with bills and rent eating up funds that will have to wait at least a couple of weeks.

In the meantime I've been working on a second book (unrelated to the first) and have been making some great progress. My first novel is complete at roughly 120,000 words, and my work in progress has just reached the roughly 50,000 word mark.

Why am I telling you all this? To show that I haven't forgotten the blog. This is a matter of priorities. While I love tearing Twilight a new one, if it becomes a choice between that or family and my own work, family and work will win every time. You have been warned.

That said, I'm already working on the next chapter and expect to have it posted in the near future. Here's a hint: it involves stalking, Bella's reaction to said stalking, and me going apeshit over the stupidity of it all. Seriously, how insane are these people?

Cheers,
The Twilight Snarker

Anti Spotlight: You Are Bella

View "You Are Bella" Playlist

You know, I sometimes think that one of the most amusing parts of what I do is watching the kind of mental gymnastics diehard fans of Twilight perform to excuse the inconsistencies, plot holes, factual errors, etc. I once brought up one of Meyer's bigger errors, the claim that Esme's island is off the west coast of Brazil.

THE WEST COAST OF BRAZIL!

If mental gymnastics were a sport, the twihard in question would have won a gold medal. Long story short, after arguing back and forth, which mainly consisted of me pointing at the map and shouting "DUH!" and her making more excuses, I said "that's like saying that California is the west coast of New York." To which she said, "yes it is."

If there is a definite reason why I write this blog, at least part of the answer would be to observe how people's minds work. I find it a little fascinating to watch people do double back flips in logic to rationalize things that are completely absurd (insert obligatory religion joke here).

Enter You Are Bella, an in depth examination of the Twilight series that highlights its many flaws and attempts to explain why Twihards cling to it despite the series being so damn awful. The series is titled "You Are Bella" because that is basically the answer in a nutshell.

I recently bumped into this series while looking for creative or informative works by other antis. The mere fact that I'm posting it here obviously means I was impressed. Do take a look at the rest of the series of videos.

Anti Spotlight: Melina vs. Meyer.

Introducing a new segment called "Anti Spotlight." You see, I was sitting around and wondering what new stuff I could do with the blog when it occurred to me "hey, I'm not the only one dissing Twilight, so why not give some attention to others who've also done good work?" Which is basically a nice way of saying that I'm a lazy bastard who is shamelessly trying to make this blog more interesting by showcasing the work of others. Muahahahaha!

Wait ... I wasn't supposed to actually write that part. Oh well, I'm too lazy to edit. :p

First up is Melina Pendulum, who has quite a bone to pick with Stephenie Meyer due to some comments the woman made in an interview. I picked this one because it's the funniest IMO, but it is by no means the most insightful thing she's posted. Overall I've found her to be an intelligent young woman with interesting opinions on a wide range of subjects. So do take a look at her other videos; not just the ones pertaining to Twilight (though there are quite a few of them and she has a LOT to say on the subject).



Check out Her Youtube Page

Note: Her recent review of The Host is really worth watching.

A Little Game.

Now for something a little different. We're going to play a game. The name of the game is called "Character Development." Here are the rules.

I am going to name characters and you, the player, are going to describe said characters for me. There will be two groups of characters. Group A will consist of characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and group B will consist of characters from Twilight.

Now here is the most important rule. In your descriptions you are forbidden from describing the characters' physical appearances. This includes body attributes, hair styles, clothing, and the like. You also cannot describe their professions, races, or roles, so answers such as "high school student" or "vampire" are not acceptable. You must describe each character as if you are speaking to someone who has never seen Buffy or read Twilight.

Oh, just so you know, this game is blatantly ripped off from Red Letter Media" and I am using it because it seems highly relevant here.

Let us begin.

Round One: Female Protagonist

Buffy

Bella

Round Two: Male Love Interest

Angel

Edward

Round Three: Werewolf

Oz

Jacob

Round Four: Mystical Friend

Willow

Alice

Round Five: Wise Mentor

Giles

Carlisle

Round Six: Male Mortal

Xander

Mike

Round Seven: Villain

Spike

James

Round Eight: Female Mortal

Cordelia

Jessica

You may answer them all if you feel so inclined, but if that would be too boring, then simply answer whichever ones you please. Try to be as in depth and descriptive as possible. The more descriptive you can get, the stronger the character. That is the point of the game. I look forward to seeing your answers.

The Meadow Scene - Part Two

Again ... WHY!?

And we're back with part two of this duology of suck. You may be wondering how I escaped the clutches of Candlejack. Turns out he spotted my copy of Twilight and immediately went "get that garbage away from me!" So not only am I back, but so long as I keep a copy of Twilight with me I can say his name without being abducted.

Anyway, we still have plenty of chapter to read, so lets get this over with.

Edward crosses the "too much information" line by explaining exactly how close he'd come to murdering Bella when they first met.

"It took everything I had not to jump you in the middle of that class full of children--"

He's not exactly making a good case for himself here. He openly admits the enormity of his struggle to resist killing Bella. Any sane person would take the ... can this even be called a hint? It's not like any effort is being made to soften or disguise the meaning of his words. He's saying, point blank, that he feels the urge to kill her. What more does any rational, thinking person need to be convinced that perhaps going out with him is a bad idea?

This raises some serious questions as well. If the sparklepires must constantly struggle against their murderous urges in the presence of other people, then why do they attend public school; thus ensuring that each and every day they must be surrounded by the very thing they're trying to resist? It's like hiring an alcoholic to do stock duty in a liquor store. That just screams "disaster waiting to happen." What if it hadn't been Edward who'd been attracted to Bella's blood? What if it had been Jasper, the vamp so green that a paper cut sends him into a rampage? What if Edward simply had a bad day that day and was unprepared to deal with the temptation at that particular moment?

The more I think about it the more absurd this seems. What happens when a kid has an accident and cuts himself? Scrapes his knees in gym? Now that I think about it, has a male vamp ever had a strong urge to drink the blood of a male human in these books, or vice versa? I'm curious about that. If not, then why the hell not? Unless blood drinking is supposed to be an allegory for sex, gender shouldn't matter. But I digress. Drop a comment if you have any thoughts on this.

Getting back on topic, how many girls are walking around on their period at any given day? To be fair, Meyer did give an explanation for menstrual blood, and assuming you accept the "dead blood" explanation (which makes no scientific sense), there are still plenty of opportunities for students to be walking around bloody. Accidents, fights, injuries, all of which can and do happen in high school.

Why send them to school at all? It's not like they NEED the education. Have they not heard of home schooling? That would allow them to live their lives with far less risk to their secrets. "But if Edward didn't go to school, there'd be no book," you might say. Bullshit. A competent writer can get around that with just a little application of effort and imagination. Wait ... that requires that the writer be competent, put actual effort into her work, and have imagination. Yeah, definitely not Meyer.

That Edward insists on stalking Bella, fully aware of just how much danger he's putting her in, makes him a selfish bastard. That he openly admits that selfishness is his motivation for doing this (see part 1 for a direct quote) compounds the offense. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

And one for Bella, for staying even with Edward practically having the words "I want to kill you" painted on his sparkly forehead. (+1 Stupidity.)

You know what's really sad? In the hands of a better writer this situation could truly be compelling. If the characters were more developed (meaning, at all), Bella's attraction for a vampire who wants to drink her blood could work as a dramatic focal point. The reason why it doesn't work in Twilight when similar plots have worked in other stories is because the situations here are contrived. The characters do not behave like people so much as puppets going through the motions and reciting dialog.

This is a case of Meyer cutting corners. She wants so much to get straight to the perfect sparkly romance that having her characters act like actual people would be too hard for her to do. As a consequence she just has them say or do whatever is needed to get straight to the Edward body worship, leaving things like character development and an actual story on the cutting room floor. As a direct consequence of this, Bella and Edward rush into a relationship (and I use the word lightly) even though it makes absolutely no sense. The way it is now, Bella is a moron for essentially dating a man with a predisposition towards murder (namely hers) and Edward is beyond selfish and arrogant for pursuing Bella despite the whole wanting to kill her thing.

I think that the meadow scene should not be happening now. It should happen later, after the characters have undergone some development and after Bella and Edward gain an actual rapport. Right now we have what's supposed to be a significant and highly romantic moment between two people whose sole common link is that they happen to own the same music CD. Call me old fashioned but I prefer a couple to have progressed a little further than that before they begin casually risking death (murder, in Edward's case) and expressing their undying love.

Think of the meadow scene as frosting, and right now you are eating the frosting before the cake has even been baked. In my opinion the meadow scene should take place near the end of the book, or even in book two. The first book should be about establishing the characters and building up Edward and Bella's relationship to the point where the meadow scene actually makes sense. Hell, even the "lion and the lamb" line would work better if it was, maybe, established as some kind of in-joke during the course of their character development.

Whoo boy, do I know how to get off track or what? I blame my stream of consciousness writing style. Let's move on.

Edward scowls at a tree before continuing.

"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. ..."

Strangely echoing my own feelings about Bella, Edward, and Stephanie Meyer.

"The fragrance coming off your skin ... I thought it would make me deranged that first day."

So that means you don't even have to be bleeding for the vampire killing urge to kick in. Bella hadn't been bleeding that day, and Edward describes the scent coming from her skin as what provoked him.

In that case, having the Cullens attend school is even more insane! What was Carlisle thinking? What was ANY of them thinking? Remember: these are not kids. Each of the Cullens is probably old enough to be your grandparent or great grandparent. You'd think one of them might actually THINK FOR HIMSELF and conclude that maybe going to public school isn't such a great idea, given their unique urges, and that it makes about as much sense as hiring a man named Mr. BadTouch to privately tutor your 7 year old. (+1 Stupidity)

"In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone."

Who the hell finds this attractive? I mean, how would YOU react if you were on a date and your partner out and tells you "I've been plotting your death ever since I first met you. I would have gotten you alone, and then ..." What kind of twisted mind finds the very real threat of their own murder to be romantic? So far Edward has done nothing but stalk Bella, exhibit controlling behavior, and think of ways to kill her. It's not even a vampire thing, it's a common sense thing. It may be in a mentally damaged person's nature to strangle the girl he's with until she dies, but that doesn't excuse the act, and any girl who sticks with him knowing about his compulsions is a moron.

But that's besides the point. The real crime here is that nothing is actually DONE with Edward's bloodlust. It's never become an issue so far and it has had no real effect on the plot except for making Edward whine about it and constantly say "I'm dangerous, stay away" while hypocritically following her everywhere she goes. Edward's danger to Bella is not demonstrated. He does not lose control, nor does he undergo any sort of soul searching or character growth in order to reconcile his vampire nature with his attraction to Bella. Edward's bloodlust could have been a great source for genuine conflict, but that potential is ignored in order to make room for more descriptions of Edward's physical appearance.

Speaking of which, Edward's eyes get some more attention here. Apparently they "scorched from under his lashes." The word "scorch" denotes an object being affected by heat, being either destroyed, shriveled, or in some other way altered by heat. It can also denote criticism or sarcasm, like how this blog scorches the shitty Twilight book.

As a metaphor for intense emotions it fails. You don't scorch WITH something (he was filled with burning passion) you are scorched BY something (she was burned by his fiery passion). For this to work his eyes would have to have been scorched by an external stimulus (he was scorched by my frightened response to his creepiness), and even that's pushing it. This is what happens when you let your thesaurus do your writing for you. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

She also described Edward's eyes as "hypnotic and deadly," giving off the definite vibe that we're supposed to find this sexy, because being told by a whiny pale brat the exact method in which he'd planned to murder you is such a turn on. Meyer is trying really hard to give Edward a bad boy image. Oooh, he's so brooding and damaged and even dangerous, but that's okay because of course YOU can heal him. Remember, kiddies, all girls want bad boys.

Edward: You have no idea how close I came to killing you.
Bella: Oh, Edward, tell me more!
Edward: I would have lured you away to someplace private.
Bella: And I would have went!
Edward: I would then have torn open your throat and lapped up the blood. Since Stephenie Meyer didn't give us fangs it's not very easy for us to get at the blood, so it would have been quite messy.
Bella: Yes! Oh yes!
Edward: Then I would have violated your dead body repeatedly until I got bored with it.
Bella: Don't stop!
Edward: I would have then hacked up your remains and burned them to dispose of the evidence.
Bella: AAAAAHHHHH!!!
Edward: Did you ... did you just have one?
Bella: I didn't say stop, Edward! What would you have done with my ashes?
Edward: Uh ... you are WAY more into this than I thought you'd be.
Bella: Threatening my life only makes you more mysterious and sexy!

Edward goes on about how he'd come close to killing her again when they had bumped into each other later, when Edward was trying to get his class schedule changed to avoid Bella. He elaborates on how he'd had to resist the urge to murder not only Bella, but the school faculty member who was also in the room. And people find this romantic BECAUSE?

Deciding that Edward's emo levels are about right, Meyer goes for the melodrama by describing how Edward had chosen to flee the state in order to avoid Bella, and how devastating his departure would have been to his family had he bothered to tell them. This is really starting to sound like a soap opera. Apparently a combination of guilt over upsetting Esme, shame at his cowardice, homesickness, and a downplaying of Bella's temptation made him come back.

You know what's sad? Edward's trip to Alaska is the closest thing this book has to character development so far, but it happened entirely off screen. Stephenie Meyer, you fail at writing.

"I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind ... her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that."

Geez, Jessica just can't catch a break! Now even her very thoughts are being criticized. I'm surprised that Edward doesn't have super hearing, since he seems to have super everything else. Wait a second, he DOES have super hearing. It was mentioned earlier in this chapter. In that case, why read Jessica's mind when he could have just listened to Bella's words directly? Am I missing something here?

And so the stalking begins. He could have just left well enough alone and resolved to resist Bella by avoiding her, but he had to go snooping on her instead. He then goes on about how ZOMG INTERESTING Bella is and how much he wants to read her thoughts. Considering that Bella's thoughts at the time consisted entirely of "I hate Forks; everyone here sucks for being nice to me, I hate Forks; these boys are so annoying for liking me, I hate Forks; it's too cold and too wet. WAAAH! I HATE FORKS!" I don't think Edward would have been impressed with what he'd have found rattling around in that girl's empty head. I'm beginning to think that perhaps Edward CAN read her thoughts; the bitch just don't have much going on upstairs.

Since Edward is determined to recap everything that's already happened, he now moves on to the Tyler's van incident (AKA where the series should have ended). Bella eats all of this up, falling for the "dangerous = sexy" trope. This is supposed to make Bella look selfless, but it really just highlights how stupid and selfish she is. After hearing all of that she is stupid for not being concerned for her own life. Also, it's selfish for her to insist on staying with him knowing how much pain her very presence causes him. Granted he would just keep stalking her, but a true show of selfless compassion would be a willingness to let him go in order to keep him from suffering. Even if that didn't pan out, the mere willingness to let him go for his own sake would be placing the happiness of the one she supposedly loves over her own selfish wants.

Selflessness is another thing that's lacking here. All we ever hear from either Bella or Edward is "me me me." Concern for each other is only given a moment's lip service by Edward and his "warnings" (there aren't sarcasm quotes massive enough for that word) until he basically goes "oh, I'm bored now" and throws that out the window. This story isn't about love as much as it is about instant gratification and wish fulfillment. I suppose that's why it's so popular. It says "you too can have a hot guy fall in love with you instantly, because you're just that special." It takes out all those bothersome things like compatibility, communication, hard work and compromise and promises that you can have your cake and eat it too.

Unfortunately, real love doesn't work that way.

We now move on to the hospital scene. I am simply blown away by this next part. After describing yet again how much he wanted to kill her, Edward describes a fight he had with his family.

"I fought with Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time ... the worst fight we've ever had. Carlisle sided with me, and Alice." He grimaced when he said her name, I couldn't imagine why, "Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay." He shook his head indulgently.

Yes, every now and then I too like to indulge in a bit of head shaking. Also, WHAT THE FUCK?

Aren't the Cullen's supposed to be the righteous and selfless good guys? Isn't it their vow to not eat humans that they believe separates them from monstrous vampires? That we see ANY of them actually advocating the killing of Bella proves how full of shit they are. At least in the case of Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper, they are only good non-people eaters whenever it's convenient for them. Esme is also guilty for giving Edward the green light to do whatever he wants in this situation. I am particularly surprised by Emmett, considering what we just learned about him. He's obviously learned nothing from either Carlisle or those two times he "fell off the wagon."

They say the true test of a person's character and beliefs is how they stand up to adversity. Well, this shows which of the Cullens are actually willing to stick to their guns the moment things get tough.

Edward describes how he eavesdropped on Bella after the hospital incident. He then says that he'd have been better off if he had killed her in public than in the meadow, where there are no witnesses and no one to stop him. That isn't a creepy thing to say at all. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

I was human enough to have to ask. "Why?"

WHAT IS THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

Edward then professes his love for Bella in the hammiest way possible. Trying not to be out hammed (but failing), Bella gives a mercifully shorter declaration of her feelings.

"I'm here ... which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you."

What an idiot.

I frowned. "I'm an idiot."

Indeed you are.

"You are an idiot," he agreed with a laugh.

Then we're all agreed. Bella is an idiot.

Seriously, it's a little too soon to be playing the "I'd die for you" card. When a character reaches a point where she would literally die for the one she loves it is usually after they'd spent a significant amount of time together, endured trial and hardship, got to see each other's flaws and still loved each other; saw each other at their most broken and defeated and gave of themselves to help each other through. It is not something I'd expect to hear from people who only just met, have had barely any real interaction with each other, and are only just now on what could be considered their first date. You could likely count on your hands the number of hours these two have spent in each other's company. A very recent personal conversation involved asking what Bella's favorite color is.

That is why Meyer fails. This entire situation is so improbable that it snaps my suspension of disbelief in half. They have no real reason to be together other than the fact that they're physically attracted to each other. While this is fine for a starting point in a romance story, Twilight doesn't move on from that. What is presented in Twilight instead is a one-dimensional and incredibly shallow view of romance: two attractive people in a scenic location.

That is why I said that the meadow scene shouldn't be happening now; it assumes an intimacy that doesn't exist because the people involved don't even know each other. At this point any intimacy between Bella and Edward exists solely in the mind of the reader with no evidence existing in the actual book. The only way this romance works is if you accept Meyer's words at face value, do no independent thinking, ignore any and all plot holes and inconsistencies, and accept gratuitous descriptions of Edward's physical appearance as a substitute for character development. In other words, it only works if you have faith and don't question it.

Twilight is a romance novel only because Meyer says it is. We only believe there's love because we're told it's there, not because we actually see it. Sure we get significant glances, some touching, and dialog that Meyer assumes to be romantic, but we don't actually see LOVE. At the very most we see lust. This book would make more sense if Bella and Edward simply started fucking like jackrabbits. We're not watching two people in love, we're watching puppets. They are two people with no chemistry who are pretending to be in love because they make each other horny. They are acting the way they do because Meyer says so, not because their actions come naturally to them as people. The word "contrived" doesn't even begin to describe this. The book outright DEMANDS that you don't think, because the writer hasn't put much thought into the story herself.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb ... ,"

What ... the ... fuck?

After hearing a dozen Twilight fans quoting that line I thought that maybe it's one of those things that sounds a lot more awesome in context, but this is just bad. This whole book is bad. For the love of God, showing this tripe to prisoners in order to break their minds would be cruel and unusual punishment.

"What a stupid lamb," I sighed.
"What a sick, masochistic lion."

Can't ... withstand ... STUPIDITY!

Sanity Meter: 34%

Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!

Edward describes himself as masochistic, which proves that Meyer doesn't know what the word means, or does she mean to imply that Edward derives gratification from resisting his vampire urges? If so, then that kind of robs this situation of any of the drama Meyer tries and fails to create. You may be thinking "it's masochism because he stays with Bella even though she causes him pain." No! Masochism is the derivation of pleasure from pain and/or humiliation. For Edward's behavior to be masochistic he'd have to pursue Bella BECAUSE he gets a high off of the emotional pain rather than in spite of it. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella asks Edward what she can do to reduce Edward's desire to murder her.

"I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn't do ..."

Because the constant threat of death is such a great foundation for a relationship. Does anyone else think that the fact that she needs a guide on what not to do in order to avoid ending up lying in a ditch MIGHT be a bad sign?

"But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you."

You can cut your hair so that your neck is always exposed, and be sure to inflict a fresh cut once every hour on the hour. That would be quite helpful.

"Well ..." He contemplated for a moment. "It was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness. ..."

Oh, that perfectly explains why everyone with a uterus is constantly trying to hump Edward. It's because they're REPELLED by him. I was unaware that "repelled" means "incredibly turned on." Can you say "consistency fail"?

Bella comments that she wishes she could control her pulse because its speed may be bothering Edward. Yeah, good luck with that. What follows is a pretty awkward scene to say the least. Edward puts on his "boob inspector" hat as he rests his cheek on Bella's throat, getting quite a view of the twins. He then places his hands on Bella's shoulders and motorboats her. BBBRRRR!!!



Okay, he doesn't actually do that. Would have been funny, though. Edward decides that he likes one boob more than the other and moves his face for a better look. Oh, and he also listens to her heartbeat.

I don't know how long we sat without moving. It could have been hours.

And as those hours passed it became harder and harder for Bella to hold her bladder.

I knew at any moment it could be too much, and my life would end--so quickly that I might not even notice.

Oh, give it a rest already. I've already covered this topic in exhaustive detail, so I'm not going to bother with it now. I do wish, though, that Meyer would be a little more subtle. Show, don't tell. I'd get way more into this vibe of danger she's trying to create if she demonstrated it instead of explaining it over and over and over until my eyes bleed.

"Was that very bad for you?"
"Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. And you?"
"No, it wasn't bad ... for me."

You know, there are male enhancement products out there that can help you improve your performance.

Edward puts Bella's hand on his cheek to show her that ... *GASP* ... heat transfers! Wow, what a revolutionary discovery!

Um, question. If his skin can be warmed by skin-to-skin heat transfer, then how is it that he is constantly cold to the point where lightly touching Bella can give her frostbite (chapter 11)? Meyer is a pro at consistency, isn't she? (+1 Stupidity)

But I barely noticed, for I was touching his face, something I'd dreamed of constantly since the first day I'd seen him.

Lines like these make me consider the option of hiring someone to read this book for me.

Bella caresses Edward. In a paragraph so cheesy there aren't enough Frenchmen in the world to consume it, she described his "perfect" and "flawless" features. Edward opens his mouth, and Bella resists the urge to put her nose to his mouth again. (+1 Eye Sex)

Edward goes emo again and says that Bella can't possibly understand the complexity of his feelings. Neither do I, because these so-called complex feelings are not indicated in the book.

Out of all the stories I've seen or read that involves "good" vampires struggling with their natures, this is the worst. I can sympathize with the likes of, say, Angel, because that story actually SHOWS his plight rather than harping on about it. The common writing advice, "show, don't tell" can be likened to the phrase "actions speak louder than words." Both cases demand that you demonstrate your intentions rather than just talking about them.

That's the case here. Because Edward's situation is talked up so much but never demonstrated, Edward's constant brooding comes off as whining, and his words, however eloquent Meyer may try (and fail) to make them, are nothing but empty posturing. I mentioned this in part one when I compared Edward to Okana, but this is such a big issue that it bears repeating. In short, until I actually SEE this vampire struggle of Edward's outside of pretentious throw-away dialog, my response will continue to be as follows.



More cheesy dialog and Bella imitates Edward with the whole ear-on-chest thing, sans motorboating. Meyer then comments on Edward making the "very human gesture" of putting his arm on Bella. Edward says that he has human instincts, however deeply buried they may be. Considering that Edward has not once demonstrated behavior that could be considered alien, this just falls flat.

Meyer's problem is that she relies a lot on informed attributes. I'm sorry to bring up Okana AGAIN, but the quote from that page just jumps out at me as "this is so Edward Cullen!"

Picard asks Troi for her opinion, and in the most shameless example of Informed Attributes I think I've ever seen, Troi outlines, describes, and explains the entire character of Okona for us. ... How you will feel about this character! Live it, love it, learn it! Okona: The Freshmaker! Keep in mind, none of this will turn out to be true about Okona. At least, not from anything we'll actually see.

That's the last time, I swear! Meyer's use of informed attributes is especially egregious because she seems to be pulling new character attributes out of her ass whenever it's convenient. These are not integral parts of the characters or things that develop over time. No, it's more like "in this chapter Lauren is upset because Bella spends time with the Cullens. Now in this chapter she'll be mad because Tyler's attracted to her. Why? Because it's convenient."

It's a particular wall-banger when certain attributes are brought up when it's convenient and then never mentioned again, like Bella's hemophobia. Remember that? It only came up once as an excuse to have Bella conveniently be in the right place for Edward to ride in on his white horse and rescue the damsel.

There is one part I'm having a little trouble figuring out.

"You have to go."
"I thought you couldn't read my mind."
"It's getting clearer." I could hear a smile in his voice.

If that was meant as a joke, I don't get what the punch line is supposed to be. If this is supposed to be serious, did Meyer just suggest that Edward now has a limited capacity to read Bella's thoughts? Kind of defeats the purpose her being unique because he can't read her thoughts if that's the case.

"Can I show you something?" he asked, sudden excitement flaring in his eyes.

NO! NO NO NO! OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO!

"I'll show you how I travel in the forest."

Oh thank sweet merciful God. I thought he meant his penis.

Edward smiles, which nearly sends Bella into cardiac arrest. Meyer then jokes about him turning into a bat to demonstrate that her vampires are different, as if the sparkling hadn't already made that fact abundantly clear.

"Come on, little coward, climb on my back."

Make sure you're wearing that strap-on dildo I gave you. You're not quite Emmett, but with a little practice you'll do just fine.

Bella comments that though Edward can't hear her thoughts, he can hear her pulse. I wonder how that would work. I mean, if someone's hearing is so acute that he can he a person's pulse from a few paces away, just imagine all the other sounds he can hear. Good Lord, I wouldn't want to live in Manhattan with that ability.

Anyway, Bella is nervous about this idea so Edward calmly assures her that it is safe and gives her some time to act on her own initiative. Oh, I'm sorry, that isn't what he does at all. Nope, he just grabs Bella and slings her onto his back. You will do as Edward commands, you pathetic human creature!

He then starts running WITH SPARKLEPIRE SPEED, in a scene which I suspect is trying to rip off the flying scene from the Superman movie, just replace "flying over a city" with "running through a forest."

He streaked through the dark, thick underbrush of the forest like a bullet ...

So he charged in a straight trajectory until he either hit something or ran out of momentum?

... like a ghost. There was no sound, no evidence that his feet touched the earth.

There wasn't even the sound of the wind rushing through her ears from traveling at high speed? It's also very considerate of Edward to stop his running long enough for Bella to inspect his path for signs of his footfalls.

His breathing never changed, never indicated any effort.

We get it, Edward is super special awesome. Please stop reminding us!

But the trees flew by at deadly speeds, always missing us by inches.

Very safe indeed. Nothing could POSSIBLY go wrong in this situation. Lucky for Bella, Edward also has x-ray vision, which allows him to see obstacles and hazards that would normally be hidden. Also, I do hope that Bella isn't prone to motion sickness.

I was too terrified to close my eyes, though the cool forest air whipped against my face and burned them.

Ah, the rushing air that Bella somehow can't hear.

I felt as if I were stupidly sticking my head out the window of an airplane in flight.

Has Meyer ever flown on an airplane before? Unless she means a small craft that doesn't go very high or very fast, the windows on an airplane don't open, and they don't for a reason. It's a little thing called decompression. The pressurized air would be sucked out of the craft, everything not bolted down would be sucked into the window, including body parts, and many people would be quite unhappy and possibly dead. Why couldn't she have just said "car on the road" instead of "airplane in flight"?

And, for the first time in my life, I felt the dizzy faintness of motion sickness.

Yeah, taking her on this high speed run was a smashing idea, wasn't it?

They reach the truck in minutes, despite them having hiked for hours to reach the meadow. Let's have a look at this. Since Meyer has been vague on the exact times, I'll have to go with an approximation. Let's assume that they'd hiked for 2 hours at least (she said "hours" after all). The average walking speed is roughly 3 miles per hour, so that would mean they'd traveled about 6 miles, give or take. So Edward traveled roughly 6 miles in a few minutes. Again, Meyer is vague, but let's assume that it took Edward 6 minutes. That's one mile per minute, or 60 miles per hour.

I was unaware that among Edward's powers is the ability to transform into a blue hedgehog. Since this is just an approximation I'm not going to hold this against Meyer. My completely bullshit calculations above were just meant to give you an idea of the kinds of speeds it takes to traverse in mere minutes what takes hours of walking. Edward might have been going that fast or faster, considering Bella's motion sickness, the wind burning her eyes, and her sensation of sticking her head out an airplane.

So, yeah, he just took a girl who'd had panic attacks at his driving too fast on a high speed run at speeds rivaling that of cars. Do I even need to point out how reckless and stupid Edward's actions are? It's amazing that Bella didn't get whiplash from the g-forces created from his course corrections to avoid trees and other obstacles, which he'd have to make pretty damn rapidly and suddenly at those speeds.

I'm sure this is all meant to be impressive and Meyer is trying to blow our minds with how perfect Edward is supposed to be, but ... how do I put this ... HE FUCKING SPARKLES! I'm sorry, but there just isn't much more I can say than that. He fucking sparkles.

Anyway, Bella is having some trouble moving due to her shock at what just happened. Smooth move, sparkledouche. Bella expresses a desire to lie down, a clear indication of either discomfort or physical illness from the sudden high speed run. Need I remind you that she'd gotten motion sick along the way. Edward's response? He laughs. That's right, he subjected a human to his super speed power without warning, and the fact that she became sick from the sudden speed amuses him. Isn't he charming? (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

"I guess that wasn't the best idea," he mused.

GEE, YOU THINK? *facepalm*

Despite Edward's blasé treatment of the situation Bella tries to be positive, a clear attempt to spare his feelings. In response, Edward mocks her.

"Hah! You're as white as a ghost--no, you're as white as me!"

Because girls LOVE it when you kick them while they're down. *sigh*

I suppose what really matters is that he's learned that Bella + sparklepire speed = sick Bella, and will think twice before subjecting her to that again. Mistake made, lesson learned.

"I think I should have closed my eyes."
"Remember that next time."
"Next time!" I groaned.
He laughed, his mood still radiant.

You have GOT to be kidding me! You are not making it easy for me to like you, Edward. You are not making it easy at all.

Meyer spends a short paragraph gushing over Edward's physical appearance, followed by Edward bragging about how running at those speeds is so easy he doesn't even have to think about it. Then they kiss, or rather he kisses her and then is surprised when she reciprocates. I just have to shake my head and chuckle at this. Two people in twu wuv, expressing their unconditional and irrevocable love for each other, one expressing a casual willingness to die for the other, and they hadn't even kissed yet.

I gather from the writing that Edward was testing to see if he'd murder her if he got too excited from their kissing. He has no trouble with it, reining in his bloodlust so neatly that we don't even see a hint of it. For something that has been talked up so much as this huge, dangerous thing, it's a surprising non-factor here. From what I see in this book so far, the vampire bloodlust only exists to supply Edward with angst so that Bella and Edward's "relationship" can be made out to be this forbidden and dangerous thing. The problem is that we're not dealing with actual danger, but rather the promise of danger. Again, we are told but not shown.

Edward offers Bella a hand to help her up, which she finds strange, commenting on how she's used to their "careful non-contact." I already described in chapter eleven how ridiculous it is that these two people who are supposedly in twu wuv don't even casually touch each other, so I won't go into that again here. I still find it funny.

More gushing about Edward's appearance, talking about his "seraphic" face and how it would cause her physical pain to be separated from him. Ugh! I think a little bit of my lunch just came up there. (+1 Eye Sex)

They then talk about who is going to drive.

"I can drive better than you on your best day," he teased. "You have much slower reflexes."

God you're such a douche.

"I'm sure that's true, but I don't think my nerves, or my truck, could take it."

A valid point. She's already sick from Edward's impulsive sparkle run, so being subjected to him flagrantly breaking the speed limit would be a bit much at this point. He argues, but she says no.

He raised his eyebrows in disbelief.

How DARE this HOO-MAHN not do exactly what I say? Think about this for a second. Edward fully expects to get exactly what he wants in this "relationship," so much so that Bella saying no to him is a source of disbelief. He literally cannot believe that she told him no. How fucked up is that?

Edward agrees to let Bella rest up a little, then either let her drive when she feels up to it or drive the truck himself with a promise not to go too fast so she doesn't get sick.

Oh, I'm sorry, that's exactly what he DOESN'T do. He just insists on getting his own way, saying that he's not going to let her drive drunk. She asks what he means by that.

"You're intoxicated by my very presence." He was grinning that playful smirk again.

A certain song comes to mind when I read this line.

Also, how do you grin a smirk? What next, will Edward laugh a chuckle?

There was no way around it; I couldn't resist him in anything.

Sentences like these make me want to pull my hair out. I stare at my e-reader, unbelieving, thinking "oh, COME ON! How can people NOT see what is wrong with that sentence?" *sigh*

I don't know what's worse, the fact that Bella is so weak-willed that she can't say no to Edward and stick to her guns, even over something as relatively minor as this, or the fact that THIS is what young girls are trumpeting as one of the greatest romances in recent history. As I have pointed out in previous chapters, namely chapter ten, Bella lets Edward get away with a ton of shit. He belittles her, condescends to her, threatens her (parking lot incident anyone?), ignores her wishes, emotionally manipulates her, stalks her, and breaks into her house without her knowledge (though I'll let that last one slide for now since she doesn't know it yet). Generally he is a brash, reckless jerk who is convinced that HE knows what's best for Bella without any input from her and insists that she WILL do what HE wants whether she likes it or not. All of this while knowing her for all of ... gosh, how long has it been so far? Weeks?

He is a control freak, a manipulator, and a hypocrite. She puts up with all of this, and why? Because he's pretty. Because he is physically attractive he can do no wrong. This behavior is not even restricted to the characters in the book; the fans themselves will defend Edward to the death for similar, if not the same, reasons. What irritates me is when they chime in "he does it for her own good, he loves her, he means well so it's okay."

No. No it is not.

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions, folks. It does not matter if he genuinely means well, though whether or not he does is debatable. If you were locked in a room and told you could never leave, would it matter if the furniture was nice and you were fed well? No. Regardless of the conditions you would still be a prisoner. To use another phrase, a gilded cage is still a cage.

That is exactly what Edward is, a gilded cage. They both look nice and shiny, but they keep you prisoner all the same. Does it matter if you're locked in because your jailer thinks that's what's best for you? No. What I find truly disturbing is how close the "good intentions" argument comes to the testimony of some abused women who actually defend their assailants. "He only hits me because he loves me!" Ugh!



Just like how it is never okay to beat your spouse, even if you're psychotic enough to honestly believe you're doing it for her own good, Edward's behavior cannot be excused merely on the grounds that "he means well." I'd be willing to lay odds that if Edward were ugly he wouldn't get away with nearly as much crap as he does. Just putting that out there.

I just noticed that in part one I kept referencing Star Trek, and now I'm referencing Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I guess my little way of coping with the sheer amount of suck in Twilight is to think of other, better fiction.

I held the key high and dropped it, watching his hand flash like lightning to catch it soundlessly.

Uhhhhh hhahaha hahahahahahahah!!!

Sanity Meter: 12%

Later that day Edward went home to do his math homework. He solved equations with his right hand and wrote names with his left. He took a potato chip ... AND ATE IT!.

Seriously, can Edward do a single thing without Meyer trying to make it sound epic? If this is what happens when he catches keys, I wonder if O Fortuna plays in the background when he enters his ATM code. Now I get what Robert Pattinson meant when he said that Meyer was mad and that reading this book felt voyeuristic. I'm getting this definite sense that I am trapped in an insane woman's wet dream about a fantasy guy who is idealized to such an extent that he literally cannot do the smallest thing without it looking like a scene out of the movie 300. (+1 Stupidity)

"Are you not affected at all?" I asked, irked. "By my presence?"

Hmm, is Edward affected at all by Bella's presence? That's a good question. If only a large chunk of this chapter had been devoted to explaining the answer to that question in drawn-out, overly-dramatic detail. Oh, wait, IT HAS!

And so the chapter ends with an awkward paragraph involving Edward's lips and Bella's jaw line.

Praise the Flying Spaghetti Monster, this chapter is finally over! It's over! I have overcome the meadow scene! Hahaha! aaahahahahaha!!!!! I AM DA MAN!

*sigh*

... I just realized that this book isn't over yet. *cries*

Sanity Meter: 0%



But oh, beamish nephew, beware of the day,
If your Snark be a Boojum! For then
You will softly and suddenly vanish away,
And never be met with again!

Final Tally

+2 Purple Prose
+4 Bad Boyfriend
+4 Thesaurus Rape
+5 Eye Sex
+8 Stupidity