Welcome to Kill it with Fire! In this blog I will be reading novel Twilight, by Stephenie Meyer, to show you why this book is, for lack of a better term, epic fail!

Why? Because I can, because I want to, because it amuses me, take your pick. Mostly, though, because this is an awful, awful book!

Along the way I'll be keeping score on certain aspects of the book that I find especially abhorrent. Each time an instance of one of the following occurs, I will add one point to that category.

Thesaurus Rape Count: One point for every time Meyer abuses the thesaurus so badly that the poor thing has to use a doll to show the therapist where the scary lady touched it.

Purple Prose Count: One point added every time Meyer uses over-done, overly-elaborate wording when a simpler phrase would do.

Wangst Count: One point each time Bella whines, moans, and complains so much that I think she should be the lead singer for A Simple Plan.

Eye Sex Count: One point every time Bella works herself into orgasms over how beautiful, perfect, and angelic Edward or other characters are.

Stupidity Count: One point whenever someone says or does something stupid. This number will not be low.

Bad Boyfriend Count: One point every time Edward patronizes Bella or abuses her physically or emotionally. You know, because he loves her ...

Bitch Count: One point whenever Bella acts like a total spoiled brat, scorns her "friends," and generally acts like a bitch towards anything that isn't undead.

Well I think that covers all of the introductions. Now, let's get snarking!


Anonymous said...

*falls over from laughter* LOL! That was just pure and epic win! I haven't even read the chapter by chapter analysis yet and already I'm about to keel over from laughter! Why do I get the feeling that you're a member of twilightsucks.com? because it would be so awesome if you are!

Stephanie said...

I completely admire you for slogging your way through this drivel and actually paying attention to what's going on. Every time I try to read this "book," I start thinking of things I'd rather be doing - like writing a Master's Thesis.

abbyisastar07 said...

wow-- let me get this straight...
1) You hate twilight-- for someone who has devoted so much time to this, I beg to differ.
2) So you're reading it excruciatingly slow (ummm you started in march?!! it's like 4 pages long)
3) You're going through it line by line to pick out the "stupid parts?!"
4) And then writing them all down on your "blog"...?
5) At least Stephenie Meyer got paid to waste everyones time.
6) I think another hobby is in order. F A I L

Bainezo said...

My colleague is crazy about these books and has the first one in a number of formats inclusing paperback, pdf, audio, and even on her iphone. She has pasted post-it notes on pages containing extracts she wants to highlight!

So, out of curiosity, I read the first two chapters. I was stunned at how bad it was. Every single paragraph contained something that bothered me. My question is: how did this sorry excuse for a novel get to print? I have been writing for some time and have spent years trying to improve my skills and find my voice. After reading two chapter of Twilight I feel like giving up because literary success is obviously just a lottery and I'm not that lucky.

The Twilight Snarker said...

@Bainezo: Don't give up. If you are passionate about writing, you should pursue it. I'm in the same boat as you, currently editing a novel I've just finished writing. If writers who value quality work quit because of hacks like Meyer, then everyone suffers.

emily said...

this kind of blog always useful for blog readers, it helps people during research. your post is one of the same for blog readers.

Masters Thesis Writing

Alex said...


Actually, the fact it's done slowly proves that they have better things to do with their time, rather than read a shitty book, and that they want to go through it thoroughly, so there are less mistakes and misinterpretations for Twihards to complain about.

Also, why does your full stop randomly disappear when you type? I don't get it...

Anonymous said...

Holy un-dead cow on a stick! This is fantastic! I haven't read Twilight or seen it, and I don't intend to, but reading your blog is thoroughly entertaining and will suffice. I like how you say "Suffer with me", yet spare the readers from what is obviously straining your mental capabilities. I like.

You do tend to go on a bit excessively about how arrogant and all the other "a" terms Edward is, but I suppose that's just how he's written. So often you tell Meyer that she's beating us over the head with stuff to get us to believe in her crap, (and I won't believe), but you do the same thing in your blog. Change it up a bit. I like it when you keep the story moving. ;)

Great job overall. As a fellow writer, I truly appreciate the work you're doing.

So sorry to hear about your father. Prayers from Washington State! (Yes, I live in the same state Forks inhabits.)

JJ said...

I love your blog! It's hilarious, & I fully believe I could write a better book than meyer & I'm in middle school... No seriously. The 1st 5 pages if my revised edition of twilight is better than the real book. & ur blog has actually really helped me.... Please don't ever quit this blog:D

Paul F. McDonald said...


You might really, really enjoy this. One literary agent scratches his head over the phenomenon that is Smeyer.

Cheers and keep up the inspired work.

Anonymous said...

Somebody really should show NuttyMadam this blog.

Unknown said...

It's been 7 Years, i followed this blog from the beginning (was a lurker on the twilight sucks froums). Just wanted to let You know, that every once in a while i get back to this and re-read it. It is still really entertaining. Just thought You might like to hear that.

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