Twilight - Preface

There isn't much to say about the preface, really. It is vague, absolutely nothing is told about the situation or the environment that Bella is in, and it is mercifully short. There are a couple of things, though, that struck me as odd.

I stared without breathing ...

I wonder how long she'd been doing that for.

into the dark eyes of the hunter, and he looked pleasantly back at me.

Probably wondering why you're not breathing, you stupid girl.

The hunter smiled in a friendly way as he sauntered forward to kill me.

Sauntered? He sauntered? Harbingers of death do not saunter! They stalk, they stride, they ... tiptoe very menacingly! They ... do not ... saunter!

Meyer is going for this:

But instead I imagine this:

Even though it's not a particularly atrocious incidence, I award Meyer (+1 Thesaurus Rape) for making a deadly killer saunter, thus killing the mood of what had actually been a pretty good scene up until then.

Overall the preface is pretty good, if for no other reason than that it is vague and short. It actually made me want to read more of the book to see what happens. It is an effecting hook to draw the reader in, not overdone with a decent amount of tension ... well, except for the whole sauntering business.

And thus are so many lambs led to the slaughter. Little to we readers know which creek we just dove into. Here's a hint: the creek is brown, and it stinks.


Welcome to Kill it with Fire! In this blog I will be reading novel Twilight, by Stephenie Meyer, to show you why this book is, for lack of a better term, epic fail!

Why? Because I can, because I want to, because it amuses me, take your pick. Mostly, though, because this is an awful, awful book!

Along the way I'll be keeping score on certain aspects of the book that I find especially abhorrent. Each time an instance of one of the following occurs, I will add one point to that category.

Thesaurus Rape Count: One point for every time Meyer abuses the thesaurus so badly that the poor thing has to use a doll to show the therapist where the scary lady touched it.

Purple Prose Count: One point added every time Meyer uses over-done, overly-elaborate wording when a simpler phrase would do.

Wangst Count: One point each time Bella whines, moans, and complains so much that I think she should be the lead singer for A Simple Plan.

Eye Sex Count: One point every time Bella works herself into orgasms over how beautiful, perfect, and angelic Edward or other characters are.

Stupidity Count: One point whenever someone says or does something stupid. This number will not be low.

Bad Boyfriend Count: One point every time Edward patronizes Bella or abuses her physically or emotionally. You know, because he loves her ...

Bitch Count: One point whenever Bella acts like a total spoiled brat, scorns her "friends," and generally acts like a bitch towards anything that isn't undead.

Well I think that covers all of the introductions. Now, let's get snarking!