Twilight - Chapter Eleven

In a nutshell: "blah blah, Edward is awesome, blah blah" and NOTHING HAPPENS!

I must admit that when I started this blog I didn't imagine I would get this far into the book. I assumed that by this point the story would have gotten good enough that there would be no point in my panning it. I guess I simply put too much faith that something so popular couldn't be so bad. Well, here we are, so I guess it is.

Bound and determined to drill it into our skulls how awesome Edward is, the very first sentence of this chapter talks about how everyone is staring at Bella and Edward as they sit down in lab class, as if we hadn't gotten enough of random people stopping and staring last chapter. The teacher walks into the class dragging a TV and VCR in a paragraph that completely abuses the use of dashes. He shoves the tape into the "reluctant" VCR. Um ... so VCRs have feelings now? I wonder if this is why Edward can read the minds of radar guns.

By the way, for this chapter I'm going to be taking a dash count. I'm just curious about just how much Meyer abuses the poor dash. 3 Dashes.

Bella goes on about how amazing it is to *gasp* actually be sitting next to Edward in class ... even though they've shared that seat since day one. Electricity flows through her, so suddenly she's the Highlander. She talks about Edward's "perfect" face and blah blah blah. The movie starts, and at this point I don't care if it's a documentary on the mating habits of turtles; anything is better than this insufferable false tension. The screen lights up the room by "a token amount." *rolls eyes*

Edward looks at her and his eyes "smolder." So, Edward is looking at her hatefully? That isn't very nice. That is the definition of smolder most commonly attributed to eyes.

Smolder: to show suppressed anger, hate, or jealousy (eyes smoldering with hate). (Merriam Webster Dictionary)


Bella nearly hyperventilates. Apparently out of the many words Meyer has taken from her giant thesaurus, the word "subtlety" is not among them. This ham-fisted attempt at romance strikes me as more comedic than romantic. It's just Meyer picking the most dramatic-sounding words and having her characters overreact to the slightest thing Edward does. I can do it too.

His smoldering eyes held me in a vice-like grip. I was powerless under the inextricable scrutiny of his gaze. He scratched his head, and I had to breath into my lunch bag. He touched me, and my heart stopped. When I awoke in the hospital, several hours later, he smiled at me and I flat-lined. The word "clear!" was the last I remembered hearing.

The funny thing is that Bella's heart actually HAD stopped beating in chapter nine, and Edward hadn't even touched her. If you think the above example is ridiculous, know that it isn't that far removed from what's in the actual book.

Sometimes I can almost imagine Meyer standing over the readers with a giant hammer called "plot" in her hands and whacking her readers over the head with it until they can't think rational thoughts, thus leaving them in the perfect state to swallow this tripe. Another blow of that hammer comes when Bella is so fixated on Edward that she doesn't even know what the subject of the film is. I get the feeling that if Meyer could magically replace every instance of the name "Edward" with a column of light and angel song, she would. 4 dashes.

It appears that Edward is the Highlander, because the lightning bolts are coming from his body.



She goes on and on about wanting to touch him, which makes me wonder at the nature of the relationship. You see, in a normal, healthy relationship, touching is kind of a given. Surely Edward and Bella's "unconditional and irrevocable" twu wuv would allow for touching at the very least.

"Well, that was interesting," he murmured. His voice was dark and his eyes were cautious.


Yeah, those few paragraphs of NOTHING HAPPENING were very interesting. I get so tired of books with real plots, where things actually happen and the characters are 3-dimensional. It gets boring reading about characters with pasts, personal motivations, and personalities of their own.

From now on I hereby dub Bella the "eye psychic," because she seems able to tell a hell of a lot more from people's eyes than is humanly possible.

His face startled me--his expression was torn, almost pained, and so fiercely beautiful that the ache to touch him flared as strong as before.


No real reason for quoting that except to give you a taste of what I'm putting up with. 5 dashes. I'm beginning to wonder if Meyer uses so many dashes because they look like little penises to her. Also, this point is way overdue. (+1 Eye Sex)

The tension Meyer is trying to create rings false because there is no real source for it. She tries to paint this as a forbidden love, where they must resist the urge to even touch each other, but nobody is forbidding them. If they want to they can go ahead and do it. The only thing stopping them is Edward being an ungodly asshole, and that doesn't count. Oh, and don't try that "he's a vampire and might lose control" line, because that ceased to be relevant the moment Edward decided to stalk Bella like the obsessive asshat that he is, completely ignoring that risk.

Bella, the eye psychic, notes the "conflict raging in his eyes" when he tries to touch her. Disregarding that there is no real source for conflict, I find it funny that Edward has such a problem touching Bella when he feels no "conflict" when it comes to grabbing her forcefully (parking lot scene, anyone?) or breaking into her house to watch her sleep.

His skin was as icy as ever, but the trail his fingers left on my skin was alarmingly warm--like I'd been burned, but didn't feel the pain of it yet.


Is Meyer saying that Edward's hands are cold enough to give her frostbite from a light touch? How is that even possible? As I explained in chapter seven, it is physically impossible for Edward's skin to be that cold. Also, if his skin is that cold, how come Bella never had a similar reaction the previous times Edward touched her? (+1 Stupidity)

6 dashes.

Bella is "lightheaded and wobbly" as she enters gym. Is it weird to feel an urge to physically assault a fictional character? I just REALLY want to slap Bella across the face right now. She changes her clothes while in a "trancelike" state, really hamming it up. Then she's handed a racket and ...

Wait, hold on! Are we actually in Gym class? Are we going to actually see it this time? Wow, I must admit this is unexpected. Perhaps we'll finally see some of that famous clumsiness we've been hearing so much about. She notes the other people eyeing her furtively. I'm given to think that Bella is just full of herself, but considering all the staring people have been doing because Meyer is obsessed with having Bella be a super special snowflake, I'm not surprised.

Mercifully, some vestiges of Mike's chivalry still survived; he came to stand beside me.


What is that supposed to mean? Is Bella saying that Mike has turned into a jerk since we last saw him, and only some of his former niceness survived? Did her opinion of him drop that much since he stopped chasing after her ass? There is no way to win with her, is there? Pay attention to her and you're a dog; leave her alone and you're not chivalrous. What a bitch! (+1 Bitch)

Mike volunteers to pair up with Bella for a doubles game, and she says that he doesn't have to do this, as if it is some great burden to play with her. I'm actually interested to see how this turns out. I'm eager to actually SEE some of Bella's clumsiness for once, and not "oh, I dropped something so now Edward has to pick it up."

7 dashes.

Bella grimaces apologetically ... how do you even do that?



Websters defines "grimace" as "a facial expression usually of disgust, disapproval, or pain." How, exactly, does one make an expression of disgust apologetically? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella accidentally hits Mike with the racket and hits her own face with the same swing. Even a clumsy person couldn't manage that. Do you know how hard it is to "accidentally" hit your own face? When I said I wanted to see clumsiness, I expected her to trip over Mike's feet or bump into someone. This is just dumb. If Bella really is that clumsy she should not be driving a truck; She should not leave the house; She should be in a "special" school, learning the alphabet with colorful blocks.

After that she stands back and Mike plays with himself--I mean by himself, BY himself! Um ... where is the teacher? He just lets students walk out of the game during team exercises? As if Meyer realized that she had just went a few whole minutes without mentioning Edward, it turns out that Edward is exactly who Mike wants to talk about.

Bella immediate switches into bitch mode and tells Mike that it's none of his business while simultaneously wishing that Jessica would go to Hell. Woops, I mean Hades. So, let me get this straight: In their "unconditional and irrevocable" love, their relationship not only has a prohibition against touching, but it's taboo to talk about it as well? I should tell the world of this revelation!

Me: Hey guys, Twilight says it's not love if you talk about it. So no showing pictures, smiling whenever her name is mentioned, or slipping her into conversations. Be cold and distant. Don't talk about her; don't even touch her. Bella Swan commands it!

Seriously, what did she expect to happen? If she wanted to keep their relationship (I use the term loosely) a secret, she did a horrible job of it, what with the ditching her friends to sit with him and all. Did she somehow expect them all to just pretend that nothing is happening? If so, then she must not have been around other people for very long. (+1 Bitch)

Mike doesn't like Edward, and he tells Bella why.

"He looks at you like ... like you're something to eat," ...


Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ...

Since it was Meyer's joke and Bella is Meyer, Bella naturally finds this hilarious and rushes off to the locker room. I wonder if it ever occurred to her to find it worrying that Edward is being so creepy that other people are starting to comment on it.

I honestly can't make heads or tails of this next sentence.

I dressed quickly, something stronger than butterflies battering recklessly against the walls of my stomach, my argument with Mike already a distant memory.


So ... her clothes are stronger than butterflies? The act of dressing is stronger than nervousness? How do sentences this sloppy make it past the editor? Was he asleep at the desk or something? (+1 Stupidity)

Did they know that I knew? Was I supposed to know that they knew that I knew, or what?


And by reading this blog you know that I know that you know that I know that I hate this book.

After obsessing over Edward some more, she finds him waiting for her at the gym. After talking about his "breathtaking" face she breathes the word "hi" while smiling hugely ... and she used to call Mike a dog?

Edward's eyes shift focus slightly, which means he looked over her shoulder. Apparently Edward doesn't like Mike and he tells Bella so. Very classy, Eddykins, disliking someone because you can't charm him into doing what you want and he is the sole person, so far, to actively question your actions. Right now Edward is looking a lot like the spoiled kid who cries because he didn't get his own way.

Bella asks if Edward has been listening in again, and when he says yes this pisses her off. She doesn't seem angry because Edward is spying on her, but rather because he saw her in gym. Edward doesn't seem to care. What ... the ... fuck?

8, 9, 10, 11 dashes.

Bella notices a crowd composed entirely of boys surrounding Rosalie's car, because girls can't possibly be interested in cars. No, they're too busy with their knitting needles and selecting which apron to wear while they cook their men dinner. Also, why are they paying that much attention to a car? Has Rosalie never drove it to school before in all these years? Is it their first time seeing it? It's a red convertible, not the Messiah. Sure it would elicit interest from car enthusiasts, but a crowd of people circling it? We get it, Meyer, the Cullens are rich. (+1 Stupidity)

It's like all boys in Meyerland are chimps, distracted by the first shiny new thing they see. When Bella arrived, every human male wanted her (according to Edward), and now they see a car and they're all "ooh, shiny!" It appears that Twilight isn't just sexist towards women.

Edward says it's a BMW M3. He also calls it "ostentatious" again. 12 dashes.

Edward asks if Bella is still mad at him, and she is. He asks if she would forgive him if he apologizes, and she says she would if he meant it and promised not to do it again. A reasonable request.

His eyes were suddenly shrewd. "How about if I mean it, and I agree to let you drive Saturday?" he countered my conditions.


Wasn't that Bella's idea in the first place? How does this sound?

Edward: Forgive me for stalking you in school and using psychic powers to spy on you and I'll give you permission to drive, even though that was your idea in the first place. Pfft. Women drivers. Next thing you know they'll want to vote too.

Edward apologizes, his eyes "burning with sincerity for a protracted moment." My eyes are rolling for a protracted moment. 14 dashes. He says he'll be at Bella's driveway on Saturday, which worries her because she thinks it will make it difficult to hide Edward from her fath--I mean, Charlie. Edward smiles "condescendingly" and says that he won't bring a car. 15 dashes.

Bella brings up the subject of why she can't see Edward hunt. 16 dashes. She presses him for an explanation as to why he reacted as angrily as he had. He explains that it's because they go all primal when they hunt, and if she were there she'd be dinner. After gazing at the clouds "morosely" he looks at Bella, and once again becomes the Highlander, because electricity charges the atmosphere. 17 dashes.

Edward says that she should go inside, and as she leaves he informs her that tomorrow he gets to ask questions. Does this mean he's leaving this scene? Please let him be leaving this scene! His car speeds down the street as he leaves.

HOORAY!

Bella doesn't get much sleep because she's too busy dreaming about Edward being the Highlander. I must say that it certainly would explain why Edward is the way he is. You'd be a douchebag too if you were under constant threat of having your head chopped off.

Her father asks her about Saturday, which makes Bella cringe. He then asks if she's still going to Seattle, which makes her grimace. Does she do it apologetically? He asks about the dance, and then Bella glares. Ugh! What is with all the glaring and the frowning and the grimacing in this book?

Charlie shows some parental concern, worrying that perhaps nobody had asked her out. Oh, if only he knew the truth behind that. Bella isn't about to ruin her street cred by being honest with her father, so she avoids the question. Surprisingly Bella shows some small sympathy for her father, though her reasoning behind that sympathy is a little twisted.

It must be a hard thing, to be a father; living in fear that your daughter would meet a boy she liked, but also having to worry if she didn't.


Living in fear of his daughter finding a boy? Granted there is always the concern that one's child may end up with someone abusive and controlling ... like Edward. However, unless the parent is overprotective or insecure, they probably wish for their children to find their match. It's the fond wish of parents to see their children grow up, move out, and make a life for themselves. Parents want their children to give them grandchildren. Me thinks this quote is simply Meyer projecting her own issues on the rest of the world.

How ghastly it would be, I thought, shuddering, if Charlie had even the slightest inkling of exactly what I did like.


You mean the boy who's family he sung the praises of in chapter two? Alright, so maybe the whole vampire thing wouldn't settle so well with him, but unless Edward grows fangs and starts sucking blood right in front of him, I doubt he'd find out. Wait, I forgot, Meyerpires don't have fangs. Ugh!

Charlie leaves, and Edward arrives in his Volvo seconds later. So, the guy who constantly says "I'm dangerous, you should stay away from me" suddenly can't wait to put himself in the very position he whines about. So much for his constant warnings and preaching about how they shouldn't be together, eh?

He was smiling, relaxed--and, as usual, perfect and beautiful to an excruciating degree.


This is the same girl who looked down on Jessica as shallow for complimenting Edward's looks. Our heroine, ladies and gentleman, Ms. Hypocrite McBitchSnipe. (+1 Eye Sex)

18 dashes. I notice that the dashes are most heavily concentrated when Edward is present. This could mean that ... oh no, oh God! OH MY GOD, THE DASHES ARE EDWARD'S PENIS! Gross! *pukes*

They exchange good mornings and drive off. 20 dashes. Bella asks Edward what he did last night, but he refuses to answer. I suppose "hid in your bedroom while you slept" wouldn't make a very good ice breaker. Edward points out that today he will be asking questions, and Bella's forehead creases. Of all the facial expressions to choose from, Meyer settles on a creasing forehead. *sigh* Bella wonders what kind of questions Edward might ask, what kind of information about her he'd find interesting. Edward, his face grave, asks the question that will rock the very foundation of their relationship.

"What's your favorite color?" he asked, his face grave.


BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

You just got to stop and think about how awesome this is. I mean, just look at this in its proper context.

Bella: Oh Edward is so gorgeous, so mysterious and strong and beautiful. I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.
Edward: Bella, we shouldn't be together but I can't stand the thought of being away from you. I must stay with you at all times. I watch you sleep at night, I follow you wherever you go, I would do anything to protect you ... well, everything except leave you alone so I don't one day end up murdering you. I have but one question to ask of you, Bella, my sun, my moon, my starry sky!
Bella: Oh, Edward, ask whatever question you want. I will answer anything as long as I get to see your perfect lips move to form the words. Ask. Ask me anything!
Edward: Um ... what's your favorite color? It suddenly occurs to me that we know nothing about each other.

You see what I mean? Oh, this is rich! You can't write a better parody of romance than Twilight manages unintentionally. I also love how Edward gravely asks what color Bella likes, trying to lend the simple question an air of drama. Hahaha! We're nearly halfway through the book, and ONLY JUST NOW are they getting around to actually getting to know each other. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella says her color preference changes from day to day, but today it's brown because it's a warm color. 22 dashes. Edward agrees that brown is warm, and in the time it took for them to talk about the color brown they arrive at school. We now move on to the next question.

"What music is in your CD player right now?" he asked, his face as somber as if he'd asked for a murder confession.


We get it, Edward is a brooding emo vampire. Give it a rest already, Meyer!

I must say I'm loving this discussion. All of the overly-dramatic and overwrought soliloquies about Bella's "unconditional and irrevocable" love for Edward; about how Edward is perfect and beautiful and all things desirable, and after all that we're just now discussing things like favorite colors and musical tastes. This is one of those rare moments when I actually find myself enjoying what I see in this book.

Bella tells Edward about the CD Phil had given her, and by an amazing coincidence it turns out that Edward has the same CD. Um, question. If Edward is so rich, why doesn't he have an MP3 player? For that matter, if they're in love why haven't they exchanged cell numbers yet? Do they even have cell phones? They do come in handy, you know. If Bella and her friend had cell phones when they were in Port Angeles, Bella might have been spared a lot of trouble.

Edward continues asking her basic questions, which seems to irritate Bella, who says he "questioned me relentlessly about every insignificant detail of my existence." It appears that Bella wants to go back to finding new ways to describe Edward's eyes without all that bothersome getting-to-know-you stuff. You know, considering how obsessed Bella is with Edward you'd think she'd welcome the opportunity to learn these things about him as well. In this, Edward is actually acting more human than Bella. At least he is trying to get an understanding of her that extends beyond surface things such as appearance.

Unfortunately we don't get to see most of the answers, as they are glossed over in the narration. This is clearly Meyer's clumsy attempt at character development, but since very few answers to Edward's personality questions are provided in the text, Bella remains as flat and empty a character as ever. What few answers are provided are stuff we already know (Bella likes warmth and Phil gave her a CD).

Edward asks what Bella's favorite gemstone is. She says topaz, and Edward literally commands her to tell him why. 23 dashes. Bella says that it's because Topaz is the color of his eyes. So ... Edward's eyes are clear? They can appear in many different colors such as blue, red, or pink? Does Bella simply not know that topaz is NOT a color?

I'd given more information than necessary in my unwilling honesty, and I worried it would provoke the strange anger that flared whenever I slipped and revealed too clearly how obsessed I was.


Oh, where do I even begin? Bella clearly is not only annoyed at Edward's questions, but doesn't want to give him honest answers. In other words, she doesn't want to share her personal world with him. Is this the behavior one would expect from someone who is "unconditionally and irrevocably" in love (yes, I'm going to keep quoting that)? So far she has shown zero interest in getting to know Edward as a person and merely fixates on his outward appearance. When given the opportunity to engage Edward on a deeper level via this getting-to-know-you conversation, she resists the whole process.

You cannot argue that this is a love story; the evidence to the contrary is right here. Bella narrates that she is so ZOMG IN WUV with Edward, yet she has no interest in moving past Edward's surface qualities. What some people fail to realize is that this is not love just because Meyer says it is. For it to be love, the two characters would have to actually act like they're in love. So far all I see is superficial lust on Bella's part and abusive, obsessive stalking from Edward. That is not love.

Also, the fact that Bella is afraid to share her interests with Edward because he may get angry isn't exactly an atmosphere that is conducive to romance. Given her reaction to Edward, her supposed "twu wuv," I understand a little better why she constantly lies to her father and withholds information. The bitch just lies to people out of habit. Oh, and I find it funny that Bella is worried about freaking Edward out because she notices his eye colors. She is worried that SHE is more obsessed than the guy who is STALKING her. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward asks her what her favorite flowers are and Bella "continued with the psychoanalysis." Is that how she views this? As some kind of clinical drudgery? If she were really "in love" she would have not only given an earnest effort to answer his questions, but she would have had enough interest in Edward to get answers to those same questions from him as well. I swear, it constantly amazes me how many anti-love messages are in this book, which is heralded as some great love story.

Bella: OMG, Edward keeps trying to get to know me better. That is such a chore! Why can't he just shut up and look pretty so I can continue writing descriptions of his perfect face and muscled chest in my notebook? That's what love is, right? I don't have to actually care about him, I just have to think he's hot.

And THIS is what young girls are looking to as an example of true love? God help us all! Oh, and don't think I'm just going to forgive Bella's complete inability to notice or care that someone she supposedly "loves" is making an honest attempt to understand her. She is such a humungous bitch that she can't see beyond what SHE wants. It's just "me me me" with her. (+1 Bitch)

It's TV day in Biology again, and Edward once again becomes the Highlander when the teacher cuts the lights off. Bella again gets all overly-dramatic about longing to touch Edward and blah blah blah. There is one line here that I found interesting.

I leaned forward on the table, resting my chin on my folded arms, my hidden fingers gripping the table's edge as I fought to ignore the irrational longing that unsettled me.


Again with the prohibition against touching. What I find interesting is how Bella finds it "unsettling" to want to touch Edward. That is the opposite of how someone who's in love would think. I may have given her some credit if she'd said that it's because she doesn't think it's appropriate to fondle Edward in class, but that is not indicated here. Even so, young people in love would not be above touching each other or even sneaking kisses, consequences be damned.

Another appropriate reaction would be if Bella welcomed the idea of touching Edward, but was afraid of getting caught and drawing people's attention. Again, this is not indicated. Instead, Bella simply finds the idea "irrational" and "unsettling." Her choice of words implies a certain level of disgust at the notion. Whether or not that is what Meyer meant, this is still sloppy writing on her part. Also sloppy is her use of the same plot device twice to convey the same message. The first TV time was excusable, but essentially writing the same scene a second time is just unnecessary padding to make a point that has already been made.

Bella, the eye psychic, notes that Edward's eyes are "ambivalent," and the word is not given any context as to the source of this ambivalence. The word implies contradictory feelings, but without any stated or implied context the word is not descriptive at all. Is Edward conflicted between desire and disgust at Bella, or is it something else? Meyer, please burn your thesaurus. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

They walk to Gym and Edward once again touches her face with his hand. 25 dashes. Is it just me, or are we having the same day twice? Mike plays with himself--I mean by himself, BY himself! My God, even the jokes are repeating themselves! Bella admits to feeling a little bad about arguing with Mike, but immediately dismisses it because it's not as important to her as what SHE wants. That paragraph ends in a sentence fragment.

Just like Yesterday she rushes off to meet Edward after gym and gets that same dumb smile on her face. You ever get a sense of Deja vu, like you've seen all of this before? Weird, isn't it?

Edward asks more questions as they sit in front of her fath--dang it, I mean Charlie's--house. Bella makes an attempt to answer in the form of a long paragraph describing how awesome Arizona is. Interestingly, Bella describes her room to him. This is interesting because Edward has been breaking into her room at night to watch her sleep, so he's perfectly familiar with what her room looks like.

Just like Yesterday she rushes off to meet Edward after gym and gets that same dumb smile on her face. You ever get a sense of Deja vu, like you've seen all of this before? Weird, isn't it?

Edward notes that her father will be home soon. Bella responds with "Charlie!" before asking what time it is. 27 dashes.

"It's twilight," Edward murmured ...


Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ...

He makes a comment about the end of day and the coming of night, trying to sound deep and mysterious but really just coming off like the pretentious emo brat that he is. He notes that Charlie will be back in a few minutes and offers Bella another opportunity to come clean with her dad and tell him about Edward. Her response is "thanks, but no thanks." Edward opens the car door for her, which causes her heart to go into "frenzied palpitations," and, consequently, causes my eyes to do some frenzied rolling.

Edward stops this time and says that there's "another complication." Oh, I see what Meyer did there, quoting the title name in order to justify it. Har har har. To say "another" complication implies that there had been one previously. Where was this first complication in this chapter? I did not see it. There was a lot of "ooh, Edward is gorgeous," followed by Bella complaining because she doesn't want to actually get to know Edward. No complication there that I can see.

It turns out that the "complication" is Jacob arriving in his car with his dad, followed by Charlie in his squad car. This might have been an actual complication if it in any way impacted Bella or Edward, but being that Edward sped away in his car before any of them could notice, this situation is not complicated in the least. 28 dashes.

Apparently Billy Black must be the werewolf equivalent of droopy dog, because Bella describes his cheeks as being so saggy that they rest on his shoulders. Apparently the man smells vampire on Bella, because he stops smiling upon laying eyes on her. Actually, scratch that, I think it's just bitchiness he smells on her.

And here the chapter finally ends. Good Lord, here I thought I'd seen every way in which a chapter can be needlessly padded, but Meyer has actually managed to surprise me. Writing entire chapters where nothing actually happens apparently wasn't enough this time, so she just put the chapter on a loop and essentially wrote the same day twice. Why? Um, laziness perhaps? The sheer depths to which Meyer will sink amazes me to no end!

*sigh* We all know what's coming up, don't we? We're closing in on the moment I know you've all been waiting for. Chapter twelve leads directly into the infamous "meadow scene." Stay tuned, dear readers, for the dreaded duo is up next.

I need a drink.

Final Tally:

+5 Stupidity
+3 Bitch
+2 Eye Sex
+2 Thesaurus Rape

And for our special count:

28 Edward Penises (dashes)

A surprisingly low tally this chapter, but with absolutely nothing happening and the day repeating itself, there wasn't much to work with.

22 comments:

Lilly said...

I really love this blog. You even manage to make a boring chapter hilarious.

Elina said...

Great work again! The Highlander reference was hilarious, too.

However, I disagree with you about the part when Bella Sue speaks with her father about boys(It must be a hard thing, to be a father; living in fear that your daughter would meet a boy she liked, but also having to worry if she didn't.). I understand that this is a common feeling for a father (not that I am one), both wanting to your children to proceed and fearing it. I thought that was actually a pretty good line.

But the most part I agree with your points. Your blog makes Twilight much more enjoyable!

The Twilight Snarker said...

It's a matter of perspective, I admit. Being related to three fathers and being personal friends with several, the feeling amongst us is generally the opposite of that described in the book. For example, when one of my older neices found a boyfriend, her dad did keep an eye on the boy to make sure he was on the level, but otherwise was happy that his daughter was maturing.

This is probably something that is up to the individual parent, but that has been my experience.

Shweta said...

Meyer describes the trivial things in detail yet she doesn't let the viewers know anything about Bella.She has no favorite color,hobbies,interests or goals.Any loser can fit herself in Bella's shoes and experience Edward's 'Twu Wuv'.I think this is the reason they are so emotionally involved with this shitty series.

sneha said...

One thing I simply cannot comprehend is Meyer's rape of her thesaurus. I don't understand how she just neglects to read the definitions of the words she's using before she uses them...they make NO sense sometimes. I'm so appalled that this series is popular.

Thanks for yet another great blog entry!

fantasylover101 said...

Okay, I thought I was the only one noticing the abuse of dashes. I feel better now knowing it's not just me.

Victor Velazquez said...

dude your a genius

I could never sit down and actually read this garbage the way you do

You make it so much more enjoyable. And I thought it was just me who thought that it was so boring and drawn out.

I'm actually using the phrase 'purple prose' to describe the overuse of adjectives and incorrect words in a drawn out description scene

meyerpiers are indeed the bane of the horror world

kanutgl2 said...

I'm totally loving this blog. Keep up the good work!

A question, will you be making these reviews/summaries on the following books in the series as well or will you stop torturing yourself after this one? :P I'm kind of hoping you'll make more, because what you've written on "Twilight" so far is great!

Alicia said...

This blog makes me so incredibly happy. I love it!! Thank you!

TheUnbeholden said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TheUnbeholden said...

[quote]
Notice what went on there? Edward is so convinced that Bella is incapable of taking care of herself that he doesn't trust her to take a trip by herself, much the same as a parent would treat his 10 year old kid. When Bella makes a valid point, that she is no stranger to cities and has, in fact, lived in one for most of her life, Edward dismisses her out of hand and insists that she needs to be under his supervision. Listening to him, you'd wonder how Bella had ever managed to survive [/quote]

Don't you get it, you just said it right there. She CAN easily take care of herself. Hes just using that as an excuse for the them to be together.. you know, what people who like each other do?

[quote]
The funny thing is that Bella's heart actually HAD stopped beating in chapter nine, and Edward hadn't even touched her. If you think the above example is ridiculous, know that it isn't that far removed from what's in the actual book.
[/quote]

I don't think it stopped, but I think it gave her the feeling it did, perhaps "it skipped a beat" would have been a better description.. which is the description about someone love struck. But remember this is Bella where talking about (not Stephenie Meyer which you keep going back to) The book has to be believable that its written by the persona of Bella.

[quote]
Edward says it's a BMW M3. He also calls it "ostentatious" again.
[/quote]

Ostentatious means "to parade ones wealth". That car is very expensive, being a classic car remade.

[quote]
Wait, I forgot, Meyerpires don't have fangs. Ugh!
[/quote]

Thats weird, I thought they did... perhaps the canines are sharper then usual, but just never stated. I simply assumed they where.

[quote]
Liquid topaz? How many things have Edward's eyes been in this book? Now his eyes are made of liquid topaz? Last chapter they were made of honey! If Meyer is trying to give Edward's eyes a new exotic color, she has also failed. Topaz is not a color. In fact, pure topaz stones are colorless. In general topazes appear in a wide variety of colors, so just saying "topaz" to describe his eyes is saying that they could be any number of colors.
[/quote]

I always thought Topaz was usually yellow? I think Someones being overly critical.

[Quote]
"You should tell Charlie, though."
"Why in the world would I do that?"
His eyes were suddenly fierce. "To give me some small incentive to bring you back."I gulped, but after a moment of thought, I was sure. "I think I'll take my chances."

On a scale of one to ten, the level of creepiness of Edward's response ranks at "I'm filing a restraining order." It's also telling how Bella thinks so little of her father that she wonders why in the world she would want to fill him in on what's going on in her life.

If someone had said something like that to me I would slowly back away and keep my hand on my cellphone in case I needed to dial 911. The implication here is that Edward may decide to never let Bella go back home, which would be kidnapping. Edward has just implied that he might kidnap her, and she finds this preferable to telling her father where she's going. How dumb is this bitch? [/Quote]

I don't think that he would really kidnap her, he was making a joke rather then telling the truth, I think he just wanted her father to know cause it's dishonest. Your problem is you take things far to seriously, people are alot more laid back then you think. If you seriously believe that he would kidnap her then you really do expect the worst of people, which definitely shows in your character analysis. I think your just trying to hard to hate Twilight, but regardless your blog has been probably the funniest time I've had in a long time so I have to commend you on that (and you do make some valid points). Looking forward to future chapter analysis's.

kaffeine said...

I love this blog, and I love Twilight fans who take it too seriously! (I'm looking at you, TheUnbeholden.)

I'd also like to second the request for snarking the other books in the series. You're saving me so much time and money!

Keep up the good work.

Azrepheal said...

This blog is pure win. The only bad thing about it is waiting for the next chapter! Considering you seem to need a drink at the end of each one, I can only imagine the level of alcohol poisoning 'The Meadow Scene' will give you.

Carry on being awesome

Elina said...

Any updates coming soon? Pretty please? *puppyeyes*

Alex said...

You and markreadstwilight are the source of all my Twilight snark. Please continue writing, I'm going into withdrawal D:

@ Unbeholden: If her analysis sometimes seems a little vindictive and literal, that is simply because Twilight is so bad that it brings forth the blackest feelings of hatred that any piece of "literature" (and I use the word generously) has ever inspired. :3

I hate Twilight with a depth of feeling I had formerly reserved for my abusive ex-boyfriend...could it have something to do with the fact that he and Edtard behave so similarly??? GASP!

Chandra said...

I have to say, you have quite an entertaining way with words. I snorted and howled with laughter several times throughout every one of your posts, and this one took the cake. Why? Because it totally made my day over 9000 (yes, it's over 9000!) times better, that's why.

I especially enjoy your tallies; the "Edward penises" just made me LOL. It's so funny how no other anti has noticed the excessive amount of dashes Meyer uses, let alone what they actually might stand for. XD

The anti within me tips her hat to you, and the reader/writer within me is still in a fit of giggles. I can't wait for your next update! <3

Mariela said...

I honestly think the one writing this is a guy... just saying. Cuz I see a lot of times that he refers himself as a he. Like when he was petting his new computer.
So...I think this is a man/boy writing this blog. I'm guessing man since he stated to another person that he is close friends with several fathers, and guys tend to have guy friends. On top of that, if he is friends to several fathers, that must mean he is around the age of those other fathers. So, I'm guessing from early twenties to early thirties. Leaning more towards the twenties though.

But hey, he/she doesn't need to tell anyone. It's their life and they'll keep it private if they want. I don't even know why I made this comment, it's completely pointless XP

I guess it was a response to Alex. Sorry ^^;
(Also, if Twilight Snarker is a girl...I don't mean to be rude, I promise)

shikomekidomi said...

I am enjoying these reviews.
As to accusations of their author taking things too seriously, I must say that some things sound like a joke when normal people say them and sound like something else when someone who has followed you across the countryside, eavesdropped on your conversations, sneaked into your room to watch you sleep, and literally carried you off against your will says them.

Kyuubi said...

@TheUnbeholden

/I don't think it stopped, but I think it gave her the feeling it did, perhaps "it skipped a beat" would have been a better description../

No, this is incorrect. Near the end of the book the GODDAMNED HEART MONITOR FLATLINES. Meyer isn't being figurative or metaphorical. She directly shows Bella's heart physically STOPPING (which would cause cardiac arrest and likely kill her).

/I always thought Topaz was usually yellow? I think Someones being overly critical./

Once more, research is our friend. We should at least try to do more than Meyer apparently put into her works, yes? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Topaz

(by the way that's the FIRST entry when googling "topaz")

(cont below because blogspot apparently doesn't like long messages)

Kyuubi said...

@TheUnbeholden (cont)

/our problem is you take things far to seriously, people are alot more laid back then you think. /

No... He's THINKING about the words actually on the page instead of words he made up in his head to rationalize the crappy writing. These are the words Meyer wrote and the story she's telling. And his interpretation seems quite logical, given all of the other examples ON THE PAGE (i.e. not rationalized or excused by a third party or the author in extra FAQs/interviews).

Twilight fans skim the words, turn their brain off, and make up scenes in their head without consideration of what the words actually mean. They are decoding what Meyer may (or may not) be TRYING to say but basically have to make up their own scene because Meyer is so poor at crafting it herself. That's NOT good writing. True, good writing inspires imagination and interpretations of metaphor and imagery (what IS that green light supposed to represent?), but it displays the actual story through the words, accurately and concisely.

When Twilight fans have to 'tell' everyone "it's REALLY about love" and stretch for rationalization not actually in the text, that's a sign they are pushing their own wishes, interpretations, and demands on a story when it's just not there. If it were really there, most readers would get it by being 'shown' by the words on the page.

You are doing this yourself, by saying "she CAN take care of herself, he's jsut using that as an excuse" (assumption, this isn't actually shown), "like people who like each other do" (assumption, I was unaware that people who like each other usually lie and dissemble to take advantage of each others' trust), "I don't think her heart stopped" (assumption, and incorrect based on the WORDS ON THE PAGE later in the book), "I thought their canines (were longer)" (assumption, also incorrect based on the words on the page), "I always thought topaz was yellow" (assumption), "I don't think he'd really kidnap her" (assumption). Don't you see? You are making all these guesses of what Meyer actually means by the words based on assumptions and personal viewpoints you have. You are making excuses by saying "well, she MUST have REALLY meant XYZ because otherwise it wouldn't make sense or Bella/Edward would be a horrible person". You are pushing guesses and hearsay onto the scene itself and rationalizing the problems away with hand-waving. If the story, characters, and scenes were written well, you wouldn't be "guessing" or "thinking." You'd be KNOWING. You'd point to a section and say "it shows us right here." But you can't. All you can do is say "well, OBVIOUSLY she didn't mean exactly what she wrote on the page because that'd be silly! You're just over-thinking it. You shouldn't actually assume that what she WROTE is what she MEANT." I'm sorry, but that's weak.

And "don't think so much about it" does not excuse sloppy prose and poor storytelling. Humans have brains for a reason, we should use them.

angelgem43 said...

@ Unbeholden:
Okay, so you think Eddie is kidding when he threatned to kidnap Bella. However, he's not kidding! His eyes are described as fierce,as in angry or mad. Normal people don't look mad when they joke. If Meyer meant that he was kidding, fierce is yet another instance of thesaurus assault and battery with a blunt object. Also, I think if he was kidding, it was in poor taste. Kidnapping isn't something you can joke about,and remember, all jokes are grounded in truth, meaning that the possibility is STILL very real. So, he either meant it literally (creepy) or even if he was kidding, he was being creepy still but in a more subtle way.

By the way, I love this blog! I'd love more updates, and I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Good luck.

angelgem43 said...

[quote]
Notice what went on there? Edward is so convinced that Bella is incapable of taking care of herself that he doesn't trust her to take a trip by herself, much the same as a parent would treat his 10 year old kid. When Bella makes a valid point, that she is no stranger to cities and has, in fact, lived in one for most of her life, Edward dismisses her out of hand and insists that she needs to be under his supervision. Listening to him, you'd wonder how Bella had ever managed to survive [/quote]

Don't you get it, you just said it right there. She CAN easily take care of herself. Hes just using that as an excuse for the them to be together.. you know, what people who like each other do?

It doesn't matter if the true motive is for Edward to spend time with Bella, he could say, "I'd love to go to Seattle with you sometime, get to know you better" instead of implying she's some weak little child who can't defend herself. Remember, he just met Bella. He really doesn't know anything about her (except for what he sees at school)and to pretend she needs rescuing or assistance is really unnecessary. It's another example of Edward infantalizing Bella. If any guy said "Hey,you're going to Seattle this weekend? Well, I'm coming too, you need protection!" I'd run as far as I could.
Bella does not need protection, so unless Edward
is really dumb, he's being controlling, manipulative, and undermining.

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