Twilight - Chapter Twelve

The Misadventures of Elf Willow and Edward the Burglar.

I am really dreading this. Just one more chapter to go until the part you've all been waiting for. I can barely contain my abject horror at the very thought of plowing through the scene on which this whole series was based. Anyway, no use crying about it. Let's dig in, shall we?

The chapter begins with Charlie greeting Billy and chastising Jacob for driving at a young age. Jacob explains that they get learner's permits early on the reservation, and Charlie calls bullshit. Isn't Jacob 15? You DO know that you can legally obtain a learners permit in Washington at age 15, right? Once again, Meyer didn't do research. (+1 Stupidity)

Charlie is surprised by the sudden visit and Billy hopes that the timing of his arrival isn't bad. Does NOBODY in this book have a phone? They make planning social calls very easy, you know! It turns out that Billy came over to watch the game because his TV broke last week. Apparently his phone died in the same tragic accident that claimed the life of his television.

Billy says that Jacob was anxious to see Bella, which embarrasses him and causes Bella to feel a moment's regret at flirting with him and leading him on at the beach. In this situation the honorable thing to do would be to let him down gently and tell him that there is nothing going on between them. It's not an easy thing to do, but this is the kind of thing that can poison a friendship otherwise. So, of course, the thought never enters Bella's head. Playing the good housewife, she asks if they want something to eat. They decline and she asks Charlie if he's hungry and ... wait a moment, did she just call him Charlie to his face?

"How about you, Charlie?" I called over my shoulder as I fled around the corner.


Wow. It's one thing to refer to one's parent by his name when he's not around, but to do so to his face is just plain disrespectful, especially in front of company. Charlie says "sure," not even noticing the slight. Again, wow. Bella had said previously that she wasn't allowed to call him "Charlie" to his face, and in chapter one she nearly slipped and called him "Charlie" out of frustration. Well, she just did that here without any negative repercussions whatsoever. Not only does this show disrespect, it also shows a lack of continuity. (+1 Stupidity)

She makes grilled cheese sandwiches and slices a tomato. I hope she plans to make it of the fried green variety and is not actually thinking of putting it in the cheese sandwich (yuck!). Jacob comes over to chat. I'm actually glad he's here, because Jacob is the one character in this book that I honestly like. He has an actual personality, for one. I am convinced that Jacob is an accident and Meyer doesn't even realize that she is doing something competent for once.

They talk about car parts for a moment, and I am glad to see someone in this book has a real hobby. Jacob asks if there's something wrong with the truck, because Bella hasn't been driving it. I'm actually going to give Meyer credit for this one. I was just starting to think "doesn't anyone notice that she hasn't been using her truck with Edward driving her everywhere?" I didn't think she'd catch that, but she has. A gold star and a cookie for Meyer.

Bella says that she got a ride with someone else, and Jacob comments on the car. He doesn't know Edward, so he didn't recognize his car. Bella tries to dodge the subject, but caves in immediately after Jacob asks who it was only once. Jack Bauer would be proud. Jacob laughs when she tells him about Edward and dismisses his father's concerns as superstition. Again, I like this character. This is the kind of reaction you'd expect from someone being told about vampires and werewolves.

Bella asks if Billy would bring up Edward to Charlie, and here we get an interesting observation from Jacob.

"I doubt it," he finally answered. "I think Charlie chewed him out pretty good last time. They haven't spoken much since--tonight is sort of a reunion, I think. I don't think he'd bring it up again."


So let me get this straight. The Cullens are so awesome in Charlie's mind that he was willing to put a strain on his friendship with Billy over some real or imagined insult against them, and Bella insists on hiding Edward from him BECAUSE? Judging from this, I'd think the man would be thrilled that Bella is involved with someone from the family he loves so much.

Jacob tries to talk to her some more, but Bella ignores him so she can listen in on Billy's conversation out of fear that he might tell Charlie about Edward. She goes so far as to stay with them all night and neglect her homework because she has to stop him if he decides to tell Charlie. Why exactly is she that afraid of her father finding out? Considering the glowing praise he'd heaped on the Cullens in chapter two, and the display of passion he feels for the Cullen family that was just recently described, you'd think Bella would realize that Charlie would not be opposed to Edward in the slightest. Even Edward had asked Bella, multiple times, to tell her father, so there really is no conflict. Charlie wouldn't mind, and Edward wants Charlie to know. The only thing stopping this is Bella.

They leave, and Charlie wants to talk to Bella. At first she wonders if Billy had told Charlie about Edward, but notes that Charlie is still smiling and concludes that he doesn't know. I'm not going to point out, yet again, how stupid that is. There is no real reason for this at all. This is just Meyer using false tension to make Bella's relationship more dramatic, even when it doesn't make any sense. Note to Meyer: you can't just have your characters overreact to a situation and call it conflict. There has to be an actual source for conflict in order for it to be real.

For example, if Charlie actually hated the Cullens and was just itching to arrest one of them, THAT would make Bella's reaction to her father very authentic. That would be real conflict. Instead we get "oh, my father loves the Cullens but I'm going to hide Edward from him 'just because.' Quiver at my epic conflict-writing skills!"

It would even make more sense in context with the rest of the story. The lone officer casting a suspicious eye at the family of pale-skinned people who keep to themselves and don't fit in with the rest of the town. He would be suspicious of their motives but unable to pin anything solid on them. Into the scene comes Bella, intimately involved with the enemy. You see? That has the making of an actual plot. I would be interested in reading that.

But NO, everything has to be all buttercups and rainbows in Meyerland, so devoid of anything negative that she has to try to pull imaginary conflict out of thin air. But enough ranting, there's more chapter to read. (+1 Stupidity)

Charlie asks Bella about her day, and she searches for details she can "safely share." I'm just going to pretend that Charlie is a badass cop hot on the trail of the Cullens. It helps to make this scene make sense and is just more interesting. This is what this book is reducing me to. I have to make stuff up in order to stay interested enough to continue reading.

She tells him about her badminton games and says that Mike is her partner. Charlie is thrilled by this and suggests that Bella ask him to the dance. Bella protests that she can't dance, and that's the end of that. Didn't Bella say last chapter that Charlie "lived in fear" of her meeting a boy that she likes? Truly this is a man haunted by unspeakable terror, how he so cheerfully makes suggestions on boys she could possibly date. Charlie mentions that he has a fishing trip planned for Saturday, but is perfectly willing to cancel that so he can spend time with Bella, should she choose to stay home that day. Again, I just have to wonder why Bella doesn't give the man any credit as a human being.

Bella goes to sleep, but is too tired to dream. Um, how does that work exactly? Edward is waiting for Bella as soon as Charlie leaves. Once again her heart stops beating, this time because he grinned. Bella really should have her ticker checked out; a heart condition may run in her family.

I couldn't imagine how an angel could be any more glorious. There was nothing about him that could be improved upon.


Didn't Bella once protest to Jessica that there was so much more to Edward than just his looks? Funny how she doesn't seem to mention anything else about him except how OMG GORGEOUS he is. This book is superficial to such a degree that I will say that any woman who ever said that men are pigs, but loves this book that fixates on outward appearances, is a hypocrite.

Edward asks how she slept, and after Bella comments on how appealing his voice is she asks what he did last night, and once again Edward refuses to answer. He asks her questions about the people in her life, and again we don't get to see the answers to his questions. Edward is surprised that Bella never dated before. Frankly, considering how she goes out of her way to alienate people, I am not surprised.

"I should have let you drive yourself today," he announced, apropos of nothing, while I chewed.


Suddenly, unexpectedly, without warning. These are three examples of things that would have worked better than "apropos of nothing." There are just so many ways I could rewrite that sentence. "I should have let you drive yourself today," he said with a tinge of regret. This book is making my inner editor do cartwheels. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Edward says that he'll be leaving with Alice after class today, but he doesn't want Bella to have to walk home. His solution is to fetch Bella's car before school ends so she can drive home herself.

"I don't have my key with me," I sighed. "I really don't mind walking." What I minded was losing my time with him.


Oh well, I suppose that's the end of that. Bella will just have to walk. It sucks, I know, but that's how it is.

He shook his head. "Your truck will be here, and the key will be in the ignition--unless you're afraid someone might steal it."


Did Edward just tell Bella that he's going to break into her house?

"All right," I agreed, pursing my lips. I was pretty sure my key was in the pocket of a pair of jeans I wore Wednesday, under a pile of clothes in the laundry room. Even if he broke into my house, or whatever he was planning, he'd never find it.


My God, he really plans to break into her house ... again. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward: I don't want you to walk home, so I'm going to break into your house, go through your things, and take your key so your truck will be waiting for you.
Bella: Oh, go right ahead. I'm sure my policeman father will have absolutely no problem with you burglarizing his house, and I, for one, will not even stop to think that this means you'll be going through my personal things. Just one question, though.
Edward: Sure, shoot.
Bella: If you have the time to go from the school to my house, break in, and come back with my truck, why can't you just take me with you so I can go inside and get my key myself? The school is in walking distance, so it's not like it would take that long for me to drive back during the lunch period.
Edward: Because SHUT UP!
Bella: You just want to go through my dirty laundry, don't you?
Edward: CHAGRIN!



Bella asks where Edward is going, and he says that he's going to do some illegal poaching of the local wildlife, a crime punishable by a stiff fine and/or jail time. He's doing this because he wants to feed before being alone with Bella, to help keep himself from murdering her. Lovely relationship they have here, huh?

His face grew morose ... and pleading. "You can always cancel, you know."


People in this book have amazingly expressive faces, don't they? Also, WHAT THE HELL? Edward is the one who invited himself to Bella's trip. Her original plan hadn't included him, but he talked her into changing her plans to include him. Now he's playing innocent and acting as if he had nothing to do with it. Going on a private retreat was HIS idea. Bella was going to go to Seattle, but no, he wanted to go somewhere else because he didn't want to let her out of his sight. If being alone with Bella is such a huge problem, why did he insist on being alone with her in the first place? THINK, MCFLY, THINK!

Bella's reaction is just plain sick.

I refused to be convinced to fear him, no matter how real the danger might be. It doesn't matter, I repeated in my head.


It doesn't matter? IT DOESN'T MATTER? This girl is insane! In a nutshell she just said that Edward could be every bit as dangerous as he claims; he could even be a serial murderer for all she knows, and even if he is some depraved lunatic she doesn't care. Even if she is in real danger she will dismiss it, because it doesn't matter to her. In other words, having a hot boyfriend is more important to Bella THAN HER OWN LIFE! There is stupid, and then there is Darwin award stupid! Double stupidity points for her. (+2 Stupidity)

Sorry, I'm just reeling from that paragraph. She's like a lemming who would thoughtlessly jump off a cliff at Edward's behest. Oh, I'm sorry, she ACTUALLY DOES jump off a cliff in New Moon. Just ... wow. Not only is Bella a chronically stupid damsel in distress with no personality to speak of, she doesn't even have a basic sense of self-preservation. What's even worse is that THIS is what young girls are getting their ideas of romance from! That thought makes me sad for humanity.

"No," I whispered, glancing back at his face. "I can't."


Yes you can, you stupid bitch! Don't confuse "can't" with "won't." Just because you don't want to doesn't mean it's not possible. Now that I think about it, maybe she really can't. I mean, it's entirely possible for her to refuse, but given Edward's attitude I think that course may eventually end with something like this.



Bella asks when she'll see him tomorrow, depressed because he won't see her after school. They start making plans, and then Edward asks what Charlie might think if Bella doesn't come home at all. This question ties into a statement Edward had made previously about how he might not bring Bella back (in other words, kidnap her). Bella doesn't notice the implication and plays it off, which upsets Edward. They scowl at each other. She changes the subject when she's sure that she's lost the "glowering contest." Seriously, why is every character in this book constantly scowling and glowering and grimacing?

She asks what they'll be hunting, and Edward's response is whatever they happen to find. Um ... question. Vampires need a regular supply of blood, right? Well, in that case, why go hunting? Wouldn't it be more efficient to get a few pets, perhaps raise some livestock, harvest blood from them and keep it in cold storage? Carlisle is a doctor, right? Why hasn't he cultivated some connections to obtain a supply of donor blood? I'm just saying, raising pets or livestock would result in a self-replenishing supply of blood that they can tap into without drawing any suspicion. At the rate they're hunting, wouldn't the authorities eventually notice that their animals are vanishing out of season? That's not good for their cover at all.

Sorry, I was being logical again. I forgot that logic doesn't apply in Meyerland.

Bella asks why he's hunting with Alice, and Edward informs her that she's the most supportive of his relationship with Bella. His other siblings are all wondering why he's so obsessed and doesn't just leave her alone. Now that is just plain funny. I mean, imagine it this way.

Edward: Bella, I can't stop thinking about you. I don't want to ever be apart from you!
Bella: Oh, Edward, you are so hot!
Edward: What are you saying? I'm dangerous, you should stay away from me! By the way, mind if I drive you to Seattle?
Bella: Um ... okay?
Edward: You foolish girl! Can't you see that I'm dangerous? If you were smart you'd avoid me!
Bella: But you just offered ...
Edward: By the way, Seattle is no good for me. Mind if we go someplace private instead?
Bella: Um ... uh ... alright?
Edward: YOU FOOL! I look at you pleadingly now. Call off the trip. I'm too dangerous! What time should I pick you up? I can be there whenever if you plan to sleep in.
Bella: But you just said ... oh, forget it. How's your family anyway?
Edward: They're wondering why I don't just leave you alone
Bella: So why don't you?
Edward: Because you won't let me go.
Bella: But you're the one who keeps following me everywhere I go. If even your own family is wondering why you don't just leave me alone, doesn't that say something about you?
Edward: I SPARKLE IN THE SUNLIGHT!

Edward Cullen, ladies. To call him the master of mixed signals would be a supreme understatement.

Edward's answer to why he keeps stalking Bella is because she's a super special snowflake, unlike any other human being he has ever met in his century of life. Why not just come out and say that Bella is a Mary Sue avatar for the author and be done with it? Edward claims to have a higher than average understanding of human nature because he can read minds, which is bullshit. What people think and what they do are often in conflict, after all. That he doesn't see Bella for the spoiled brat that she is tells me that he doesn't have as firm a grasp on the human psyche as he claims.

Edward is just a selfish prick. That is the real reason. He is risking a person's life by putting himself in a position to someday murder her, and all this just because she's interesting? He is like a child with a toy, refusing to let it go because it's all shiny and new. Edward may be over a hundred years old, but he is acting like the stupid, hormone-driven teen he resembles. Considering his age, I think you'll appreciate the irony in my saying that Edward needs to grow the fuck up.

Edward goes on about how ZOMG FASCINATING Bella is. Meanwhile Bella looks at the Cullen family so that Edward doesn't "read the chagrin" in her eyes. I wish I didn't have to read the chagrin in this book. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Rosalie glares at Bella and continues to do so until Edward gets peeved. Edward explains that Rosalie is worried that their whole family might be in danger if, after spending so much time publicly with Bella, Edward ended up murdering her. Edward is not only endangering Bella's life with his selfish actions, he is placing the safety of his family at risk as well. Why does he keep stalking her, then? Because he's a selfish bastard. For that matter, why doesn't his family do something? If Edward's actions put them in danger, why do they not intervene?

Bella doesn't notice the implications of Edward's words. Rather, she is frustrated at Rosalie for interrupting them. It shouldn't surprise me that Bella has no concern for things that affect more than just her, given her track record. Seriously, how self-absorbed is this girl?

Edward takes a moment to be emo, and Alice teleports over to their table, because even the act of walking from one table to another must be done mysteriously by the Cullens. It's time for Edward to leave, as he and Alice must go on their illegal hunting trip. Um ... why does he have to go now? Don't get me wrong, I love that he's leaving, but think about it. Edward doesn't sleep, he essentially has the entire day and night to hunt, so why does he have to ditch school to do it? I get the impression from his explanation that this hunting trip is a precaution, not a necessity, so what's the rush?

Meyer describes Alice as "elfin" and "willowy," so I will now refer to her as Elf Willow. If you don't know what I'm talking about, imagine the protagonist of this movie, but as an elf. Edward introduces Bella to Elf Willow, who apparently has "brilliant obsidian eyes," which I swear I've read in several bad fanfics which were more entertaining than this book. She uses the word "sinuous" to describe Elf Willow's walk, which comes uncomfortably close to saying her spine was a snake in my opinion.

After what passes for banter in this book they finally say their goodbyes, but not before Edward makes Bella promise to be safe, because she is obviously so weak that she risks death or injury every second that she is not under Edward's stalking gaze. At this point I think this is not genuine concern from Edward, but merely a sign of his possessiveness. He watches Bella like a miser watches his gold, with greed and paranoia.

Bella considers ditching school, which would render Edward's retrieval of her truck pointless, but stops herself because she's afraid that people will think that she's with Edward. She repeats Rosalie's concern about what might happen if "something went wrong" after being seen with Edward in public, and once again completely fails to see the implications of this. To be fair it's not that she doesn't "get it," it's that she willfully refuses to acknowledge what those words mean. As she herself said, she doesn't care how much danger she is in, so long as she has a hot boi. She is, in effect, putting her hands to her ears and shouting "LA LA LA, I AM NOT LISTENING, LA LA LA!" That this airhead is considered a role model for young girls saddens me to no end.

I intuitively knew--and sensed he did too--that tomorrow would be pivotal.


Classic projection. I don't think Bella "sensed" anything, she merely projected her own overblown expectations onto Edward, assuming that they are of the same mind.

Our relationship couldn't balance, as it did, on the point of a knife.


What relationship? They only just reached the point where they ask basic questions such as "what's your favorite color?" and Bella doesn't even put that much effort into getting to know Edward as a person. This is hardly a relationship in the way that Bella means. There is no emotional investment between the two of them, only lust and infatuation that they mistake for love. Bella is a stupid girl with a crush, and Edward is a possessive stalker.

You've just got to love Meyer's choice of words. Their relationship balances on a knife's point, huh? That sounds oh so dramatic and dangerous, except that it's complete bullshit. There is no drama here, no difficulty that they must overcome. The most we get is Bella obsessing and Edward being emo. Meyer leans heavily on artificial tension because she lacks the ability to write genuine tension. The story is dramatic because Meyer says it is, not because there is any real drama stemming from situations in the actual book.

In full ham mode, Bella goes on about how their relationship depends entirely on Edward's decisions (because the man is always right) and how there is nothing more terrifying to her than leaving Edward. Needy much? What really disturbs me is the subtle message this sends, that a girl should allow herself to be completely consumed by the boy she's with. That her own thoughts, feelings, and ambitions should mean nothing compared to whether or not she has a boy. That is not healthy! Yes, relationships are an important part of human development, but they are not the be all and end all of one's existence. That this book preaches blind dependence does great harm to its target audience and sets up highly unrealistic expectations that will most likely end badly.

Bella goes to class, and Mike wishes her a good time in Seattle. For some reason Bella decides to tell him that she's not going, giving an excuse about her truck. Naturally, Mike asks if she's going to the dance with Edward, and she says no. When Mike asks what she'd be doing if she's not going to Seattle or the dance, Bella wants him to butt out.

Ouch. Touchy, isn't she? Suddenly there's some big taboo against asking what she's up to? Why did she tell Mike that she wasn't going to Seattle anyway? It could be argued that she's being honest, but then she immediately lied about what she'd actually be doing, saying she'd be doing laundry and studying for a test. If she was just going to lie anyway, why not just let Mike continue to think that she'd be in Seattle? Sorry, I was being logical again. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella lies through her teeth about Edward, saying that they're not going to be together that day, and she also comments about how it's getting easier for her to lie. Mike invites Bella to the dance again, and she snaps at him. It's interesting to note that on mention of Edward not being there Mike "perks up" but when turned down he immediately "sulks." The characters in this book jump from one emotional extreme to the next so quickly that they're more like cartoon caricatures than actual people. Bella, as usual, doesn't give a damn. (+1 Bitch)

I did not especially want to walk home, but I couldn't see how he would have retrieved my truck.


It's called breaking and entering.

Then again, I was starting to believe that nothing was impossible for him.


What? So if he breaks into her house and takes her keys from her pile of dirty laundry it's because he's so totally awesome that nothing is impossible for him? Doesn't it enter her mind for one second that such an act may be a little bit creepy and unhealthy, not to mention ILLEGAL?

Bella truck is waiting for her, with the key in the ignition. Other than being momentarily surprised, Bella does not question how Edward got to her keys. She does not put two and two together and realize that her house had just been broken into. When she gets home she notes that the front door is locked just as she left it, which is meaningless because Edward could easily have locked the door behind himself when he left. Most likely, though, I suspect he used the same entrance he'd been using all this time he's been repeatedly breaking into her house to watch her sleep at night. She checks her clothes in the laundry room and, not finding her keys, assumes that she'd simply hung them up. Unless she hangs her keys outside, this still means that HE BROKE INTO HER BLOODY HOUSE!

The thought never occurs to her. Instead she calls Jessica to tell her that she's not going to Seattle, and is immediately suspicious of Jessica's tone, saying she seemed too disappointed. Again, why is she telling people she's not going to Seattle if she's just going to hand them all new lies anyway? She tells her fath--I mean, Charlie--about Seattle, giving him the same bullshit she gave Mike and Jessica. He offers to cancel his fishing trip, but she insists that he goes because it would be inconvenient if he stayed home and noticed that Bella had been talking out of her ass.

Bella says that she feels guilty for deceiving him, but not guilty enough to tell him the truth. (+1 Bitch)

Bella: Even though my supposed trip to Seattle will in no way interfere with my plans with Edward and is, in fact, the perfect cover up, I'm going to tell even more lies and needlessly complicate my own plans for no adequately explained reason!
Charlie: Hello Bella, darling. Have fun in Seattle!
Bella: I'm not going to Seattle, Dad. I'm going to stay home and do laundry. Oh, and please don't come home early or anything like that; otherwise my blatant lies to you will be completely ruined. Ruined, I say!
Charlie: Whatever you say, My sweet Mary Sue.
Bella: Just so you don't think I'm a total bitch I promise to feel guilty while I'm sneaking around behind your back and lying about Edward for absolutely no reason. Aren't I selfless and self-sacrificing? That's what my fans call me.

Bella does the laundry ... which is what she said she'd be doing Saturday. Way to hold up your alibi if Charlie sees and the next day realizes "hmm, didn't she do the laundry last night?" There's more pointless filler about Bella obsessing over Edward. For one very brief moment she seems to consider the amount of danger she's putting herself in, even going so far as to wonder if it would hurt if things "ended badly." She instantly dismisses this, however, because leaving Edward would be "intolerable." Once again she places having a boyfriend above her own life.

Oh I just love this next part. Bella does something so utterly scandalous that normally she would never condone such behavior, but she's desperate, damn it, so she has no choice! Oh, it is just so reckless and dangerous that I can't even bear to speak of it!

What did she do?

I knew I was far too stressed to sleep, so I did something I'd never done before.


Oooh, I am positively aquiver with anticipation! What did she do? What is it?

I deliberately took unnecessary cold medicine--the kind that knocked me out for a good eight hours.


That it? She took NyQuil? That's what she considers reckless behavior?

I normally wouldn't condone this type of behavior in myself ...


Because nobody ever takes NyQuil to help them sleep at night. What kind of a 17-year-old is she that she considers taking a sleeping aid to be out of control behavior? What's next, will she decide not to tuck the bed sheets in the morning? How rebellious! Someone call Jerry Springer!

After we get the pleasure of seeing her do her hair and pick her clothes, she puts on some music to help her sleep. She wakes up the next morning, having slept well because of her "gratuitous drug use." Gratuitous? She calls taking a bit of cold medicine gratuitous? Honey, you've lived a VERY sheltered life, haven't you?

After being treated to Meyer describing the exact method in which Bella puts on her clothes, she goes through the rest of her morning ritual and then flies to the door (I picture her sprouting wings) and opens it for Edward. Edward laughs because they're wearing matching outfits, and Bella comments about how he looks like a runway model.

Edward decides to take Bella's gas-guzzling truck instead of his Volvo and has a bit of a Jesus complex when he gets to the passenger's side.

He waited by the passenger door with a martyred expression that was easy to understand.


Meyer just can't resist using the most dramatic-sounding words to describe the simplest of things. Couldn't she have just said that Edward was disappointed that he wouldn't be driving instead of using a word that brings forth images of crucifixions? Meyer's attempt at sounding dramatic just comes off as unintentionally funny. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella has trouble driving because ZOMG Edward is LOOKING at her! *gag* Edward gives her directions as they go, and she can "hear a smile" in his voice. Bella has a small panic attack at the concept of walking after they reach their destination, describing it as a "coming horror." Why am I still reading this?

Edward gets angry when Bella tells him that she lied to everyone about where they were going and that nobody knows she's with him. In a rare moment when I'm actually 100% behind Edward, the two have this exchange.

"You said it might cause trouble for you ... us being together publicly," I reminded him.
"So you worried about the trouble it might cause me--if you don't come home?" His voice was still angry, and bitingly sarcastic.


It says something when the abusive stalker who has no problem with breaking into people's houses turns out to be the voice of reason. Edward, please just eat the bitch and get it over with. Clearly she is too dumb to live. She even did all of the work ensuring that no one would suspect you. Free lunch, Eddykins. Free lunch!

They get out of the truck. Edward follows, "eyes still annoyed." Bella panics because they're not going to use the foot trail, which amuses Edward enough that he forgets his anger at Bella's stupidity. Does everyone in this book have the attention span of a goldfish? Edward turns to Bella, and she "stifles a gasp" at seeing Edward in a sleeveless shirt. The word "perfect" is used twice, and Bella describes him as "godlike."

Um, Bella, remember when you so smugly put down Jessica for admiring Edward's looks and swore that there was SO much more to him than his appearance? You're not helping your own case here. (+1 Eye Sex)

She feels a "piercing stab of despair" and Edward notices her "tortured" expression. Edward asks, with "pain saturating his voice" if she'd like to go home. If this gets any more ridiculous I'm going to hurl. This is the literary equivalent of over-acting. (+1 Wangst)

Bella decides that the forest setting is the perfect place to be emo. Edward scrutinizes her face (her words) after noticing her "dejection." Bella responds to his effort to cheer her up by replying to him "acidly." Isn't Bella such a likable character, how she goes emo and snaps at Edward for no real reason?

I tried to keep my eyes away from his perfection as much as possible, but I slipped often. Each time, his beauty pierced me through with sadness


Oh for the love of God, please shut up! I got the point about Edward's physical appearance the last hundred times it was pointed out. Is this really all that Meyer can write about? How about including an actual STORY in this book?

Edward asks her some personal questions, which Bella describes as interrogation. I don't think that word means what Meyer thinks it means. Asking about her birthdays and childhood pets doesn't constitute interrogation, especially in the context of someone she supposedly loves trying to get to know her better. Not that the bitch has any concept of what real love is. To her it means ogling Edward and waxing poetic about his physical appearance. She's not in love, she's just horny. I'll give Edward some credit; at least he puts some kind of effort into this.

This is love as Bella sees it. NSFW



They walk through the forest a bit. At this point my brain has numbed from the stupidity of this book to such a degree that I'm not even going to bother yelling at Meyer for completely messing up how light works in the woods. Edward points out a patch of sunlight ahead. As Bella notices, Edward's smirk grows "more pronounced." Couldn't Meyer have just said that his smile widened or something? If she's trying to convey emotion, the use of such clinical wording kills the attempt. She steps into a meadow and ...

A meadow?

No ... no ... no no no no no!

We're getting to THAT scene! Dear God, no! Why did I do this to myself? Why did I write this blog knowing that it would eventually come to this? Why, God, WHY?

And, my goodness, the purple ... the purple ...

I was actually surprised that I didn't catch more instances of purple prose in the previous chapters. Sure there are PLENTY of overwrought sentences, mostly having to do with Edward's beauty, but those bits never lasted long enough to be considered prose. Here the flowery language normally reserved for Edward is transferred to the scenery and, my God, it is purple. (+1 Purple Prose)

In an attempt to create tension, Meyer has this chapter end on a cliffhanger, with Edward just starting to step into the sunlight. For me this comes as a relief, because that means I can stop here and take some time to ready myself for the massive levels of fail I'll have to plow through next chapter. Just so you know, I will NOT be writing the next entry without some kind of alcoholic beverage in my hands at all times. Which reminds me.

I need a drink.

Final Tally:

+7 Stupidity
+3 Thesaurus Rape
+2 Bitch
+1 Purple Prose
+1 Eye Sex
+1 Wangst

26 comments:

rinamorgan said...

So glad you got the chapter posted! I've missed your snark. Hope your real life will leave you alone so you can get the next chapter up soon. We're all suffering right there with you with this terrible book!

Elina said...

Good to have you back! And nice work, as usual. I can't believe you've done 12 chapters and stupidity count is already 66. I wonder what it will be at the end of the book!

fantasylover12001 said...

You think you need a drink now? Just wait...the stupidity just keeps on coming...Chapter 13 is the worst of it, brace yourself.

Alicia said...

Glad you're back! I've missed reading this blog!

Caboodle said...

I've followed the blog for some time now, and can't wait for the next chapter. - Thanks for writing this, thanks for pointing out the whole surrealism and stupidity of this book in such great detail!

I am of the gender and age of Meyer's target audience, and read the first book because I wanted to understand the hype. I'm still trying to find out who'll hand me back the two days of life I lost because of it. - There should be a foundation or something. ;)

Thanks again for the snarky blog, and the bit of sanity amongst all this Meyerpire - hype!

- Caboodle

Chandra said...

Beware, the Purple Prose in chapter 13 is riding on the BIGGEST FAILBOAT I HAVE EVER SEEN!

Seriously, I love your comments a lot. I'm surprised that the Bitch counter is already up to 39 - Twilight fans always say that Bella is soooo selfless and sincere, but where's the proof?

I'm not surprised the Stupidity counter is already at 66, though. Heh heh heh! XD

Keep up the awesome job! I can't wait to see the giant FailBoat arrive! :D Good luck! <3

TheUnbeholden said...

Oh no. The stalker video of one tree hill was removed from youtube.

TheUnbeholden said...

[quote]Rosalie glares at Bella and continues to do so until Edward gets peeved. Edward explains that Rosalie is worried that their whole family might be in danger if, after spending so much time publicly with Bella, Edward ended up murdering her. Edward is not only endangering Bella's life with his selfish actions, he is placing the safety of his family at risk as well. Why does he keep stalking her, then? Because he's a selfish bastard. For that matter, why doesn't his family do something? If Edward's actions put them in danger, why do they not intervene?[Quote/]

Give Edward a break. hes been alone for an entire century. with no one to love. calling him selfish because he wants to have a relationship regardless of the fact that hes a blood thirsty vampire is a bit cynical of you... So I guess you could say that all vampires are at least a little bit selfish. All vampires get lonely, and there comes a time and place where it gets unbearable. You go on about Edward being a bastard by focusing on the situation on its own, but your not sympathetic at all to the pain in him.

Your a bit one sided aren't you? But I guess you have every right to be, considering at how many people (teenage girls) rant and rave about this book making it out to be some sort of great literature (which it never claimed to be) Stephenie meyer herself said its a "light read".

I don't understand why people can't just like a book for its good points... teenage romance.

The people who call twilight a vampire novel, obviously haven't read the book, the term vampire is loose in my opinion. The book isn't as much about vampires as it is about teenage romance.

But I guess because of how popular Twilight has become it does deserve a little hate for all its bad points, and most of what you said was really funny to. So keep going!! LOL

TheUnbeholden said...

[quote]What relationship? They only just reached the point where they ask basic questions such as "what's your favorite color?" and Bella doesn't even put that much effort into getting to know Edward as a person. This is hardly a relationship in the way that Bella means. There is no emotional investment between the two of them, only lust and infatuation that they mistake for love.[/quote]

I think that it is lust and infatuation in bella's case for the time being. But it later grows into love. and plus, some people believe in love at first sight.

Calling Edward a possessive stalker is a bit odd... being possessive is one way you could see it, but theres the other side of the coin and saying that he cares for her.
And stalking for a vampire comes naturally, considering they are such good hunters. so its not strange like it would be for a regular human being. Vampires do this cause if they want to get to know someone without having to intervene, vampires have a thing about not getting involved unless they have to, as theres risks in doing so (such as killing the human and of course upholding secrecy)

TheUnbeholden said...

[Quote][/quote]

This is one of the interesting parts of the book. Bella is lieing to Charlie because shes under the common misconception, teenagers have biased views. A teenage girl would simply assume that a father wouldn't be too accepting of her dating a boy.

(which is partially true, fathers aren't immediately accepting of his daughters boyfriend, but want to make sure the boy has pure intentions, and isn't using his daughter) but bella naturally doesn't think to clearly of her baised views and just assumes Charlie won't be accepting of it.

Now in charlies case, sure hes accepting of the Cullens (well when he says that hes referring to Doctor Cullen in particular, and not really acknowledging the rest of the Cullen family) perhaps if he found out shes dating Edward Cullen it would be a totally different story. Thats her frame of mind. Its called teenage stupidity. We all know it. Its actually a reason for people to say that its one of the good points of the book, to make a common teenagers flaws so evident so that we may learn from it and grow as a person.

But hey that's just my opinion.

TheUnbeholden said...

[quote]In full ham mode, Bella goes on about how their relationship depends entirely on Edward's decisions (because the man is always right) and how there is nothing more terrifying to her than leaving Edward. Needy much? What really disturbs me is the subtle message this sends, that a girl should allow herself to be completely consumed by the boy she's with. That her own thoughts, feelings, and ambitions should mean nothing compared to whether or not she has a boy. That is not healthy! Yes, relationships are an important part of human development, but they are not the be all and end all of one's existence. That this book preaches blind dependence does great harm to its target audience and sets up highly unrealistic expectations that will most likely end badly. [/quote]

Yes we know. we learn this in New Moon when how utter destroyed she becomes. We know how utterly heart ripped she is when Edward leaves her. We learn from her flaws, like I said.

You can't say its unhealthy though, because she can't control how she feels, therefore its natural to her. To say its unhealthy would be saying that its unnatural... even though its not. If your in love then naturally your going to be a clingy/obsessive. Especially when you don't have anything else in your life to make you happy, and if its your first time in love. Teenage girls can be a bit head over heels when it comes to it.

But we also learn from this that theres disadvantages of being in love but theres always disadvantages to everything. It almost comes to an end when she flings off the cliff and almost drowns only to be saved by her best friend jacob, the one who wants more out of her relationship. Its sad to see that Jacob gets the short end of the stick but thats just the way it is some times, even after saving her life (which arguably Edward did as well). Bella loves who she loves and that can't really be chosen.

TheUnbeholden said...

[Quote]Donor blood, raising pet and livestock. [/quote]

Ah yes. Your logic is well used. Don't you think that Carlisle would have thought of that? Cultivating livestock won't work, vampires drink far to much blood, they would kill off most of the animals, which would render having them pointless. it just doesn't work. Unless he owned an entire farm, in which he could get small portions of blood and keep it in the fridge (thats an idea). But having a farm which doesn't sell anything would be suspicious. he'd have to sell what ever it is farm would do (like milk and what not) but why go through all that when blood is already there in the woods, vampires are natural hunters... its alot more practical.

First off, donor blood is human blood. Carlisle long ago decided he wouldn't feed off humans, and therefore saved himself from taking thousands of lives. Why would he start drinking human blood now? and undo all that work he had done long ago. And plus even if he did drink donor blood, then he would become extremely sensitive to it again... undoing all that hard work he had done to condition himself after all those years of not drinking human blood.

Cpt. Robespierre said...

I'm amused when people post comments here trying to explain away problems or justify plot failures. The book sucks, but some people won't see it.

avidtex said...

Funniest shit ever

ladybow said...

I'm so happy to see an update! I read most of your blog a week or so ago when I was supposed to be doing my homework and hoped it wouldn't be forever before I could hear some fresh snark. ;) Hopefully you'll be back again soon for that super-speshul scene.

TheUnbeholden said...

[quote]I'm amused when people post comments here trying to explain away problems or justify plot failures. The book sucks, but some people won't see it.[/quote]

I've only given my personal interpretation of what I read for some of the points brought up. I actually agree that there are alot of plot holes, Stephenie Meyer overused the thesaurus to cover up her lacking vocabulary, overused "eye rape" and filler to beef up the book so that people would call it a "book" and not a short story. And the books are also lacking depth...

Stephenie Meyer has a long way to go before shes a good writer, and the novels really have become far to popular for their own good. Luck is a big factor when it comes to everything and Stephenie Meyer was just lucky.

And this blog highlights that fact and I love this blog for its humor..

But.... I still love the teenage romance =D

enchantress said...

Lol this is the most hilarious blog I have ever come across. Please post a next chapter soon, and while your at it check out my blog too!

xxrevenge666xx said...

Teenage romance doesn't involve some ancient, self-loathing, sparkly virgin spying on a bitchy girl while she sleeps. This book is terrible, but this blog is absolutely hilarious xD Glad to see you're back with the snark.

Emily said...

You need to post the next chapter! *nerdrage*

TheUnbeholden said...

"Edward claims to have a higher than average understanding of human nature because he can read minds, which is bullshit. What people think and what they do are often in conflict, after all."

It may be true that sometimes what people think and what they do can conflict, regardless, mind reading still gives Edward a higher understanding of human nature. Have you any idea how many psychologists would kill to have a power like that? If he knows what a persons going to say before they say it, and if he knows what a person wants to say but is hesitant to say... he also knows what people think about during conversations, he knows what they want, he also knows their dirty secrets.
That can give you such a great grasp of how a person is like, then just using speech. You could learn things about someone that you never would normally.
He may learn things that are deeply personal, embarrassing, psychotic, sbameful, kinky ect...

shikomekidomi said...

I know I should be focusing on how horribly written Twilight is, but was that stalker link of yours supposed to be a comedy? The way that girl flails at the window ineffectually, with completely unrealistic arm movements, decides not to try breaking it with the convenient lamp, takes the time to read the computer screen where her stalker has decided to IM her (under the name "watchmewatchu" no less, subtlety), then he gets interrupted by males saviors not once but twice (couldn't he have picked a deserted place)... I could go on but it just feels like a parody of bad thriller movies.

Kyuubi said...

/I've only given my personal interpretation of what I read for some of the points brought up. /

That you have to do this speaks volumes about the contradictory, discontinuity plagued, plot-hole-ridden, shitty story that is Twilight. If it were even a moderately well-written book, you wouldn't have to do this. You would be able to just point us to sections of text rather than have to make up overbearing, wildly extrapolated retcons and handwaves on why XYZ might make some sense (none of which are actually ON THE PAGE rather than in your head as you try to decode WTF Meyer is trying to say). Occam's Razor, anyone?

Here's some advice: go read Harry Potter and formulate some debating points then come back. You can see how we talk about those (via quoting dialogue and narrative IN THE TEXT vs. making shit up in our heads).

Kyuubi said...

Wait... This:

/I actually agree that there are alot of plot holes, Stephenie Meyer overused the thesaurus to cover up her lacking vocabulary, overused "eye rape" and filler to beef up the book so that people would call it a "book" and not a short story. And the books are also lacking depth.../

Then this:

/But.... I still love the teenage romance =D/

I call non-sequitir. Unless you are saying you love Twilight because of the teenage romance (which we can argue it truly "teen romance" or just complete wanky BS later), despite all the problems you admit are in the book?

Is this getting back to the "turn your brain off and let the area between your legs do all the thinking" shit I hear from too-many Twilight fans?

TheUnbeholden said...

"go read Harry Potter and formulate some debating points then come back"

I've read the first 6 books of Harry Potter =P

HMSaph said...

I absolutely love this blog. It's so funny and you do a great job at pointing out all the flaws in Twilight.

Christina Annabel said...

/* She makes grilled cheese sandwiches and slices a tomato. I hope she plans to make it of the fried green variety and is not actually thinking of putting it in the cheese sandwich (yuck!). */
What's wrong with grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches? I love them. =) If you make it right, the cheese will be melted and the tomato won't make the bread soggy. (That's the reason my boyfriend doesn't like them.)
Other than that, I really enjoy reading your blog. Maybe my little sister will finally get some sense knocked into her. Keep up the great work! =)

Post a Comment

Please try to keep it civil. Also, spell check is your friend!