The Meadow Scene - Part One

WHY!!?? WHY!!?? WHY!!??

Thirteen. An unlucky number. An unholy number. A number so universally dreaded that building architects will purposely omit a thirteenth floor in order to avoid frightening superstitious tenants. How fitting, then, that arguably the most infamous scene of the Twilight series should take place in chapter thirteen. We all knew that it would come to this. I knew it when I started this blog, but it seemed like such a far off thing when I first decided to give that rank amateur, Stephanie Meyer, the verbal beating she deserves.

The scene on which the entire series was based, the very wet dream that first inspired Meyer to raise the romance genre to new heights of mediocrity and butcher the poor vampire in the process. This chapter is the distilled essence of the entire series, and I do not expect to complete this one with my sanity fully intact. Let's move on, then, and get this over with as quickly (if not painlessly) as possible.

Sanity Meter: 100%

The chapter begins with, what else, a description of Edward.

Edward in the sunlight was shocking.

If he were a real vampire, Edward in the sunlight would be burning. If only that were true.

His skin white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip ...

This has been bothering me for a while. Bella constantly describes the Cullens as pale, and here she describes Edward's skin as white. Not Caucasian white, but pale white. Doesn't anyone ever comment on this? I wonder if all those people who turn their heads and stare at Edward are actually stunned by his supposed beauty, as Bella believes, or if they're simply wondering if the guy is either wearing makeup or has a skin condition.

... literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface.

I knew a guy who sparkled once. He wasn't a vampire, he was just gay and liked to wear body glitter.

And so we finally come to this, the moment that began the wussification of the vampires, turning them from mysterious creatures of the night to sparkling pussies who fit better in a Rainbow Brite cartoon than a crypt. Goodbye classic lords of darkness such as Dracula, the underground societies of Vampire: The Masquerade, dashing rogues such as Lestat, tortured heroes such as Angel, and diabolical anti-heroes such as Kain. Make way for this new breed of highly pretentious vampire that sparkles like Tinkerbell and replaces a genuine personality with whining and brooding in a failed attempt to make themselves look "deep."

He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHGGGGGGG!!!

Sanity Meter: 87%

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GARBAGE I AM READING? I'M BLIND! MY EYES BURN! ALL I CAN SEE IS PURPLE! (+1 Purple Prose)

And one more. (+1 Eye Sex)

Meyer really fucks the thesaurus here, throwing in as many synonyms for "sparkling" as possible. Let's look at the two worst offenders, shall we?

His chest is described as incandescent. So Edward's chest is either glowing with a bright light and producing intense heat or is simply "OMG IT HURTS MY EYES!" bright. "Incandescent" relates to a bright, brilliant light, not sparkling. The word isn't even a synonym for "sparkling," so I'm not sure where she got it.(+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Next we have Edward's arms, which are described as scintillating. Wow! Not only is Edward's chest emitting a bright light, his arms are witty as well! (Note: A reader cited an entry in a dictionary I had not consulted that contradicts this point. Therefore, the Thesaurus Rape point has been revoked)

Now and then, his lips would move, so fast it looked like they were trembling. But, when I asked, he told me he was singing to himself; it was too low for me to hear.

There are two ways I can take this. Either he is singing in an extremely low volume, or Edward Cullen is an elephant. Given just how far Meyer is willing to go to make Edward super special awesome, I wouldn't put it past her to say that Edward is producing infrasound. The speed at which his lips move indicate that he is "singing" at a speed that would be incomprehensible to humans. In other words, Meyer is once again hinting, with all the subtlety of an anvil to the face, that Edward is oh so special. He can produce and perceive infrasound, and he can sing really fast! Color me impressed. Wait, did I say impressed? I meant bored. This is just more blah blah, Edward is awesome, blah blah. It's getting really old. (+1 Stupidity)

You know what? I'm going to give Meyer the benefit of the doubt and try to assume that she meant he was singing in a really low volume, which is still dumb since their close proximity would mean that he'd essentially have to be making no sound for it not to be audible.

Bella pulls her finger out of Edward's sparkly ass long enough to spend a paragraph describing the sun and the air, and this reprieve from this literary ejaculation is all too short. Faster than you can say vampire dildo she's back to describing Edward.

The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.

You know what's funny? Back in chapter one Bella said that she was not verbose. Boy did she make a liar out of herself!

What follows has to be one of the most awkward and poorly structured sentences I have ever read.

Hesitantly, always afraid, even now, that he would disappear like a mirage, too beautiful to be real ... hesitantly, I reached out one finger and stroked the back of his shimmering hand, where it lay within my reach.

Suddenly, it appears, even now, that Stephenie Meyer has, for one brief moment ... suddenly, she started sounding like William Shatner.

She goes on like this for the rest of the paragraph, which leaves me to wonder if she was typing this part with one hand ... and I just grossed myself out. DAMN MY IMAGINATION! (+1 Purple Prose)

Edward asks Bella if he scares her. She says no and he smiles.

He smiled wider; his teeth flashed in the sun.

MY EYES! MY EYES!!!

After that she starts tracing her fingers over his "perfect" arm and ... alright, that does it. I am going to count how many times the word "perfect" is used in this chapter.

*Goes back and reads*

I count four so far, and we're only at the beginning of the chapter. This, of course, isn't even counting all the synonyms for "perfect" and the allusions to perfection that she's also used. I don't even want to add all of those up. Damn. The Borg waste their time assimilating entire species in order to find perfection when if they only took Edward Cullen they would be ascended to the level of demi-gods. We get it, Meyer, Edward is perfect. Can we PLEASE move on and have your ZOMG PERFECT little sparklepire actually DO SOMETHING? So far he's just lying there and we're getting pages of exposition out of THAT? (+1 Eye Sex)

DO SOMETHING!

DO SOMETHING!



Edward does something ... sort of. He moves his hand so that it faces palm up, but he does it with super special awesome sparklepire speed! Meyer uses the SUPA KEWL sparklepire effects so often it's like watching a Michael Bay movie. Bella fondles his hand (I am not kidding) and Edward asks what she's thinking.

Blah blah, Bella says she can't believe he's actually real, blah, blah, they talk about how scary he is, blah blah. I'm sorry, but I find it a little hard to find a guy who SPARKLES IN THE SUN to be the least bit intimidating.

Edward sits up ... WITH SPARKLEPIRE SPEED!

More clumsy prose about Edward's angelic face and his mesmerizing eyes. (+1 Eye Sex)

Edward asks what about him scares Bella. This guy is seriously starting to sound like a broken MP3.

Edward: Do I scare you? Are you afraid of me? I'm frightening, you know. Have I asked you within the last ten seconds if I scare you? I lost track.

Eddy, darling, if you ever were threatening that ship sailed the moment you turned into a human disco ball. I don't care how many superpowers you have. You could be kicking my ass this very instant and, rather than fear, the only thing I'd feel is deep, burning shame at being beat up by a care bear.

Also, does this guy get off on girls telling him he scares them? Maybe that's why he resorts to stalking and breaking into houses instead of asking for a date like a normal person. Bella tries to answer his question, but then she smells his breath and spends a paragraph describing how awesome it is. JESUS CHRIST ON A POGO STICK, can we PLEASE move on from describing Edward and get to the actual story?

Sanity Meter: 76%

Edward gets up and walks away ... WITH SPARKLEPIRE SPEED!!! ZOMG OVERUSED!!! He stands in the shade of a tree and strikes an emo pose.

"I'm ... sorry ... Edward," I whispered. I knew he could hear.

I'm sorry that I put my nose all up in your mouth so I could creepily smell your breath. My mommy always tells me to stop doing that. Oh, FYI, I advise you not to fart in my presence.

After "ten incredibly long seconds," sparkledouche goes back to Bella and sits down. Gracefully, of course. He then smiles an apology for being a melodramatic pussy. Can you imagine if Bella described Edward doing something else mundane?

Bella: My heart stopped as I watched Edward gracefully place the toothbrush in his perfect mouth. He stroked with the brush, back and forth, like Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel. His elegant fingers teased the shaft of the brush, and the gentle movement of his cheeks as he brushed his molars made me go short of breath. He gently lowered his head and released a stream of foamy saliva into the sink, white like his perfect skin.

Almost makes you wonder how she'd describe him gargling.

Bella decides that now is the time for some false tension, so she thinks she's in danger for no explained reason. Edward then decides that now is the perfect time to remind the readers of how awesome he is.

"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in--my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I needed any of that!"

EEEW! I'm sorry, but the last thing I want to think about is Edward's inviting smells. Blegh! Also, way to be completely full of yourself, sparkledouche.

Edward shows off his awesomeness by running around the meadow ... WITH SPARKLEPIRE SPEED! "As if you could outrun me," he remarks. He then shows off his super strength by ripping off a tree branch and throwing it at another tree. "As if you could fight me off," he comments. Contradicting everything he's ever told Bella, she tells her not to be afraid ... directly after showing off his superpowers and making veiled threats. Way to set a girl at ease, asshole.

What really bothers me about this book is the wasted potential. There are so many opportunities for genuine conflict that go totally ignored. Take Edward's speech about being the perfect predator, for example. It could have become a major plot point, with Edward questioning whether Bella is truly in love with HIM as a person, or if she's merely infatuated with an illusion. Does Bella really see him for who he is, or has his perfect trap merely ensnared another prey?

The doubt he'd feel could have been a great source of character development, as Edward questions where he ends and the "perfect predator" begins. Instead we just get Edward showing off superpowers and Meyer trying to pass off brooding and whining as character growth.

Anyway, Edward sits back down--sinuously, of course--and apologizes for being disturbed by Bella sniffing his breath.

Wait ... what?

They go back to the topic of how scary Edward is, but Bella is too busy tracing the lines in Edward's palm with her fingertip to pay attention to the conversation. She describes his palm as iridescent, so apparently his palm is rainbow colored.

So let's add up all of these descriptions. Edward sparkles, his body produces a bright light, his arms are witty, and he displays numerous colors like that of a rainbow. I tried finding something that meets all of these descriptions with Google Image, and this is the closest I could find. Just add sparkles. My apologies to the artist for in any way linking his work with this piece of shit book, which already takes a big enough dump on Native Americans as it is.

Most of the absurdities with Edward's (many) descriptions are a result of Meyer not knowing how to use a god damn dictionary, but those same descriptions highlight a major flaw in Edward's character. It all goes back to the same complaint I've been making this entire time. Meyer is obsessed with painting Edward as this godly, larger-than-life character, but she never has him DO anything worthy of the lofty praise she heaps on him. So far all Edward has done is whine, be emo, threaten Bella, and generally act like a jerk, to say nothing of the stalking. We're not close to the end of the book and Edward has already committed crimes that would land anyone in the real world in jail. To think of his behavior as romantic is simply delusional.

You know, I think I finally figured out who Edward really is. Edward Cullen's real name ... is Okona.

For those of you who don't know, Okona is a character from an episode of Star Trek TNG, unfortunately titled "The Outrageous Okona." In that episode we are told an awful lot about this character. Here's an excerpt from the script.

PICARD
Counselor, can you read him?

TROI
His emotions suggest that he is
mischievous, irreverent and
somewhat brazen.
(beat)
And some other things...
(unsure)
The word that seems to describe
him best is "rogue."

DATA
Rogue? Accessing "rogue."
(kicks in)
Cad, knave, rake, rascal,
scoundrel, villain.

TROI
Yes, all of that, but he shows
no malevolence, or ill will.

Of course we see during the course of the episode that he is, in fact, none of those things. The episode tries its best to make him out to be some badass James Bond character who lives on the edge (Riker even gives an impromptu speech about how awesome he is), but the actual character is little more than a one-dimensional idiot who everyone adores for no apparent reason (sound familiar?). Instead of witty, his dialog is awkward. Instead of charming, his attempts to woo the ladies wouldn't even work on a total amnesiac who needs to be told what a penis is. Instead of funny, his jokes just make a little piece of you die on the inside.

It's the same thing here. Just like how the TNG episode focuses so much on EXPLAINING Okona to us that it forgets to actually have him act the part, Twilight relies so heavily on descriptions of Edward that the character as he's described and as he's portrayed are essentially two different people. It's also important to note that, in both cases, the fault isn't in the character concept. In the hands of a competent writer, both Okona and Edward could have been really good characters. The problem is, well, how do I put this gently ... THE WRITERS ARE FRIGGEN MORONS!

Back to the book. To my complete and utter surprise, Bella seems to acknowledge that she may be a little too into Edward. This causes Edward to crank the emo meter up to eleven and go on about how she shouldn't want him and he should leave and blah blah blah. Then we come to this interesting bit. If you think that I'm judging Edward too harshly, take a look at this:

"I don't want you to leave," I mumbled pathetically, staring down again.
"Which is exactly why I should. But don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."

There! Straight from the asshole's mouth! He outright admits that the only reason he keeps stalking Bella is pure selfishness. You know what's worse? This isn't even the first time he's admitted this. Back in Chapter Five he specifically told Bella that he "got tired" of avoiding her and was just going to do whatever he wanted. In other words he endangers Bella's life ... BECAUSE HE'S LAZY! I went over that part in the summary for that chapter, so read it to get the full "Edward is a selfish prick" experience.

Edward Cullen, there is not a word in the English language that can accurately describe just how big of an asshole you are. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

This also makes Edward a hypocrite when you consider what he said to Bella in chapter ten.

"Don't you see? That's what proves me right. I care the most, because I can do it"--he shook his head, seeming to struggle with the thought--"if leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."

And he follows that, three chapters later, with this:

"... I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."

A real class act, he is. Just look at how he so nobly goes back on his word and places Bella's life in danger just because he's selfish. Oh, and if you're thinking that this is supposed to be foreshadowing for New Moon, it's worth noting that New Moon hadn't even been conceived of while Twilight was being written. This is just Meyer being a terrible writer. Edward's actions are proof positive that he doesn't give a shit about Bella. Edward is just doing what's best for Edward, and to Hell with everything else. That he is also risking the safety of his family, as we learned in chapter twelve, only compounds his selfishness.

Edward immediately scolds Bella for reacting positively to his statement, preaching once again that he is dangerous. This time even Bella comments on his sudden mood swings ... after she's finished having an orgasm over his voice, which is apparently "more beautiful than any human voice." Ugh!

Let's go over this, shall we? In Edward's own words, he is too selfish to leave Bella alone. Even if Bella were to follow his advice to the letter and actively avoid him, he'd just keep stalking her anyway. Edward also went out of his way to demonstrate that Bella can neither escape him nor defend herself from him. Where does this leave Bella? Shit out of luck, that's where!

Edward's constant preaching to Bella is emotional manipulation, plain and simple. By constantly harping on how dangerous he is, he is making it out as if it'd be Bella's fault if he ever ended up murdering her, because that'd mean she'd failed to heed his warnings, while leaving himself completely blameless. This is, emotionally and potentially physically, an example of Why Did You Make Me Hit You.

Any normal person exhibiting this behavior would either a) receive a lot of restraining orders, b) find someone just as nutty as he, or c) meet someone who is weak enough to accept his abusive behavior (and maybe even think that she deserves it). The latter two cases would result in an unhealthy relationship based on power and abuse. Woe to any children born into such a house.

Edward's behavior pattern is not that of a person in love, it is the behavior of a stalker. His "need" to be with Bella is not a sign of being "in love," it is merely an unhealthy obsession. In John D. Moore's book, Confusing Love with Obsession, he describes a wheel of obsession with multiple phases. Judging by what I've seen of Bella and Edward so far, I would say they're at the first phase: the attraction phase.

An instant attraction to romantic interest, usually occurring within the first few minutes of meeting.

Bella and Edward. So much!

An immediate urge to rush into a relationship regardless of compatibility.

Exactly how long had Bella been around Edward before declaring her "unconditional and irrevocable" love for him, without so much as knowing what his hobbies are?

Becoming "hooked on the look" of another, focusing on the person's physical characteristics while ignoring personality differences.

The only way anyone could NOT notice this behavior in Bella is if he/she never reads the book, is illiterate, is comatose, or is named Stephanie Meyer.

Unrealistic fantasies about a relationship with a love interest, assigning "magical" qualities to an object of affection.

Bella ... so ... much! I mean, seriously. I've named so many examples in this blog that it would take me too long to list them here.

The beginnings of obsessive, controlling behaviors begin to manifest.

Edward dragging Bella forcefully to his car and threatening her until she got in. Edward stalking her across towns. Edward breaking into Bella's bedroom at night to watch her sleep. Edward breaking into Bella's house to go through her dirty laundry for her keys. Edward developing a jealous dislike of Mike because he also likes Bella. Edward generally ignoring Bella's wishes and ordering her about. Bella becoming upset with Edward whenever he doesn't show up for school on a sunny day (even after learning of his vampirism). Bella idolizing Edward to divine levels, based on nothing but his looks.

But I digress.

Bella asks Edward to explain himself. He makes a food analogy, which turns into a drawn out alcohol analogy in which he compares Bella to the finest 100 year-old brandy in existence (not Mary Sue-ish at all!). He says that an alcoholic would be extremely tempted by that, which only proves that Meyer has never actually seen an alcoholic. It doesn't matter if the brandy is a century-old treasure or something picked up at the local liquor store with pocket money. A booze fiend would go for either equally. This is because ... get this ... THEY'RE ALCOHOLICS! They're after the ALCOHOL to get DRUNK, not to daintily sip with their pinkies in the air and comment on the bouquet. It doesn't matter if what they drink is fancy or cheap, it gives them the same buzz either way.

Deciding that the century-old brandy comparison didn't do Bella justice (coughMarySuecough), he shifts it to a drug analogy (because heroin is so much more dignified than brandy) and then ... *sigh*

Yeah, you know what's coming next.

"Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin."

Oh ... my ... God ...

Sanity Meter: 53%

I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on Hari-Kiri rock! I NEED SCISSORS! 61!

Um ... what? Did I just say something? I blacked out there for a second.

Anyway, do I even need to point out how messed up that comparison is? Obviously I do, since there are plenty of people who insist that this is one of the greatest romances ever told while completely ignoring disturbing crap like this. Seriously, what was Meyer thinking? Was she even thinking at all when she wrote this? That is just an awful example to give to the impressionable young girls who are this book's target audience. Don't know what heroin is, Little Lucy 13 year-old? After reading Twilight and doing a Google search, now you know! Better save up that lunch money for your first dime bag. (+1 Stupidity)

Oh, and if you think I may be overreacting and that one little mention in a book can't possibly have any real-life consequences, consider the Twilight-themed heroin bags that became popular in 2009.

The heroin analogy, unfortunate implications aside, is actually an apt description of their "relationship," just not in the way that Meyer imagined. Drug abuse is a serious problem that can cause people to do stupid and reckless things. It is unhealthy and destructive, and the best thing an addict can do is seek help. That is Edward and Bella's "relationship" in a nutshell.

If Edward's heroin analogy is to be taken seriously, then it amazes me that he doesn't realize that he's not really in love with Bella. All of his analogies--food, alcohol, drugs--are about her blood. Bella's blood is his ice cream, his cognac, his heroin. He's not in love with Bella, he's in love with her blood. She is just a meat puppet to him. He keeps following her everywhere and is too "selfish" to leave her alone because he really wants to drink her blood. A drug addict doesn't "love" his dealer, he loves the product.

Twilight: you know it's true love when your attraction is likened to the junkie selling back alley blowjobs to support his habit.

Edward belabors the point as he further explains how his brothers reacted to people who's blood was addictive to them, namely Emmett. He then states that, in his century or so of un-life, he has never encountered a human being who's blood was as appealing to him as Bella's. *coughMarySuecough*

Bella asks about Emmett, which causes Edward to go emo again. He says that even the strongest vampire can "fall off the wagon," in reference to how each time Emmett encountered people with appealing blood he had ended up murdering them.

"I mean, is there no hope, then?" How calmly I could discuss my own death!

Remember kiddies, it's okay to have a boyfriend who may murder you as long as he's pretty. If he's ugly, call the police because that would be totally creepy. Seriously, how dumb is this girl? (+1 Stupidity)

Bella: Oh Edward, have I told you how beautiful and god-like you are?
Edward: Yes, you did ... ten seconds ago.
Bella: Being with you is like a dream!
Edward: I eat people.
Bella: You are so handsome, like a supermodel!
Edward: I could very easily kill you at any time.
Bella: Your breath smells like Heaven!
Edward: Every second in your presence is literally a struggle to keep myself from tearing your throat open and feasting on your blood.
Bella: Your muscles are so perfect!
Edward: Read my lips: I ... WILL ... KILL YOU!
Bella: You're like a Greek god!
Edward: Are you even listening?
Bella: Ooh, sparkles!

Contradicting what he said earlier, Edward states that he could NEVER slip like Emmett did twice. Those people were strangers, he says. Wait, so that somehow makes it okay? Also, how long have Bella and Edward been seeing each other? Not bloody long! He also says that it happened a long time ago and that Emmett is more practiced now. Good for him, but what does this have to do with EDWARD'S bloodlust? He's the one in danger of "falling off the wagon," not Emmett. Since this is his first time, that's even more cause for concern!

Even if Emmett is wiser from his experience, it still took him two grisly murders to reach that point. Also, unless he meets someone else with addictive blood there is no way to tell whether he really can restrain himself now. For all we know he could end up doing it again, yet Edward claims that he can accomplish what Emmett cannot? Is he saying he's better than him? Also, Edward just finished saying that even the strongest vampire can slip, and yet he claims that he won't. Is he implying that he is stronger than the strongest vampire? Can he BE any more arrogant? (+1 Stupidity)

Wow. I really have to give Meyer credit here. This chapter actually manages to get worse each time I look at it, as if there were layers of crap that were too subtle to be picked up the first time. No, that's not quite right; nothing about this book is subtle. It's more like there was so much crap when I first read this chapter that it distracted me from the other crap. Each time I think that Meyer's writing couldn't get worse, she manages to find new ways to lower my expectations yet again.

This book is, in fact, so bad that not even Candlejack would touch it with a

Chapter Thirteen News!

I've tried editing down my post on chapter thirteen because, frankly, it is turning into a beast. There is just so much wrong with this chapter that I find myself constantly going into great detail to describe something else Meyer fucked up royally. This is really getting ridiculous.

This post is longer than the rest, and may even be longer than the chapter itself. That is how much shit is compacted into this one chapter. Truly this chapter of Twilight is a work of art, if only for the sheer amount of FAIL Meyer has managed to condense into it.

Therefore, rather than making you wait even longer for me to finish the post, edit the post, and then cut down the post to make it a manageable length, the 13th chapter of Twilight will instead be a two-parter. This will allow me to bring you the first part MUCH more quickly, and I will no longer need let the world think I am dead until I can control the raging spirit that dwells within me.

Look forward to Twilight: Chapter Thirteen, Part the First, very soon.

My mind is going.

I just completed the edits of the novel I am writing. Currently I am in the process of having some people read it for feedback and giving it another once over to catch any lingering errors and possible problems with the plot (in other words, everything Meyer didn't do).

Don't worry, fair readers. I haven't forgotten you. I am working on chapter thirteen of this blog even now. This latest entry is a test of my very sanity as I slog through all of the verbal diarrhea that Meyer has passed for good literature. God this chapter is awful.

So ... many ... misused ... synonyms!

Twilight - Chapter Twelve

The Misadventures of Elf Willow and Edward the Burglar.

I am really dreading this. Just one more chapter to go until the part you've all been waiting for. I can barely contain my abject horror at the very thought of plowing through the scene on which this whole series was based. Anyway, no use crying about it. Let's dig in, shall we?

The chapter begins with Charlie greeting Billy and chastising Jacob for driving at a young age. Jacob explains that they get learner's permits early on the reservation, and Charlie calls bullshit. Isn't Jacob 15? You DO know that you can legally obtain a learners permit in Washington at age 15, right? Once again, Meyer didn't do research. (+1 Stupidity)

Charlie is surprised by the sudden visit and Billy hopes that the timing of his arrival isn't bad. Does NOBODY in this book have a phone? They make planning social calls very easy, you know! It turns out that Billy came over to watch the game because his TV broke last week. Apparently his phone died in the same tragic accident that claimed the life of his television.

Billy says that Jacob was anxious to see Bella, which embarrasses him and causes Bella to feel a moment's regret at flirting with him and leading him on at the beach. In this situation the honorable thing to do would be to let him down gently and tell him that there is nothing going on between them. It's not an easy thing to do, but this is the kind of thing that can poison a friendship otherwise. So, of course, the thought never enters Bella's head. Playing the good housewife, she asks if they want something to eat. They decline and she asks Charlie if he's hungry and ... wait a moment, did she just call him Charlie to his face?

"How about you, Charlie?" I called over my shoulder as I fled around the corner.

Wow. It's one thing to refer to one's parent by his name when he's not around, but to do so to his face is just plain disrespectful, especially in front of company. Charlie says "sure," not even noticing the slight. Again, wow. Bella had said previously that she wasn't allowed to call him "Charlie" to his face, and in chapter one she nearly slipped and called him "Charlie" out of frustration. Well, she just did that here without any negative repercussions whatsoever. Not only does this show disrespect, it also shows a lack of continuity. (+1 Stupidity)

She makes grilled cheese sandwiches and slices a tomato. I hope she plans to make it of the fried green variety and is not actually thinking of putting it in the cheese sandwich (yuck!). Jacob comes over to chat. I'm actually glad he's here, because Jacob is the one character in this book that I honestly like. He has an actual personality, for one. I am convinced that Jacob is an accident and Meyer doesn't even realize that she is doing something competent for once.

They talk about car parts for a moment, and I am glad to see someone in this book has a real hobby. Jacob asks if there's something wrong with the truck, because Bella hasn't been driving it. I'm actually going to give Meyer credit for this one. I was just starting to think "doesn't anyone notice that she hasn't been using her truck with Edward driving her everywhere?" I didn't think she'd catch that, but she has. A gold star and a cookie for Meyer.

Bella says that she got a ride with someone else, and Jacob comments on the car. He doesn't know Edward, so he didn't recognize his car. Bella tries to dodge the subject, but caves in immediately after Jacob asks who it was only once. Jack Bauer would be proud. Jacob laughs when she tells him about Edward and dismisses his father's concerns as superstition. Again, I like this character. This is the kind of reaction you'd expect from someone being told about vampires and werewolves.

Bella asks if Billy would bring up Edward to Charlie, and here we get an interesting observation from Jacob.

"I doubt it," he finally answered. "I think Charlie chewed him out pretty good last time. They haven't spoken much since--tonight is sort of a reunion, I think. I don't think he'd bring it up again."

So let me get this straight. The Cullens are so awesome in Charlie's mind that he was willing to put a strain on his friendship with Billy over some real or imagined insult against them, and Bella insists on hiding Edward from him BECAUSE? Judging from this, I'd think the man would be thrilled that Bella is involved with someone from the family he loves so much.

Jacob tries to talk to her some more, but Bella ignores him so she can listen in on Billy's conversation out of fear that he might tell Charlie about Edward. She goes so far as to stay with them all night and neglect her homework because she has to stop him if he decides to tell Charlie. Why exactly is she that afraid of her father finding out? Considering the glowing praise he'd heaped on the Cullens in chapter two, and the display of passion he feels for the Cullen family that was just recently described, you'd think Bella would realize that Charlie would not be opposed to Edward in the slightest. Even Edward had asked Bella, multiple times, to tell her father, so there really is no conflict. Charlie wouldn't mind, and Edward wants Charlie to know. The only thing stopping this is Bella.

They leave, and Charlie wants to talk to Bella. At first she wonders if Billy had told Charlie about Edward, but notes that Charlie is still smiling and concludes that he doesn't know. I'm not going to point out, yet again, how stupid that is. There is no real reason for this at all. This is just Meyer using false tension to make Bella's relationship more dramatic, even when it doesn't make any sense. Note to Meyer: you can't just have your characters overreact to a situation and call it conflict. There has to be an actual source for conflict in order for it to be real.

For example, if Charlie actually hated the Cullens and was just itching to arrest one of them, THAT would make Bella's reaction to her father very authentic. That would be real conflict. Instead we get "oh, my father loves the Cullens but I'm going to hide Edward from him 'just because.' Quiver at my epic conflict-writing skills!"

It would even make more sense in context with the rest of the story. The lone officer casting a suspicious eye at the family of pale-skinned people who keep to themselves and don't fit in with the rest of the town. He would be suspicious of their motives but unable to pin anything solid on them. Into the scene comes Bella, intimately involved with the enemy. You see? That has the making of an actual plot. I would be interested in reading that.

But NO, everything has to be all buttercups and rainbows in Meyerland, so devoid of anything negative that she has to try to pull imaginary conflict out of thin air. But enough ranting, there's more chapter to read. (+1 Stupidity)

Charlie asks Bella about her day, and she searches for details she can "safely share." I'm just going to pretend that Charlie is a badass cop hot on the trail of the Cullens. It helps to make this scene make sense and is just more interesting. This is what this book is reducing me to. I have to make stuff up in order to stay interested enough to continue reading.

She tells him about her badminton games and says that Mike is her partner. Charlie is thrilled by this and suggests that Bella ask him to the dance. Bella protests that she can't dance, and that's the end of that. Didn't Bella say last chapter that Charlie "lived in fear" of her meeting a boy that she likes? Truly this is a man haunted by unspeakable terror, how he so cheerfully makes suggestions on boys she could possibly date. Charlie mentions that he has a fishing trip planned for Saturday, but is perfectly willing to cancel that so he can spend time with Bella, should she choose to stay home that day. Again, I just have to wonder why Bella doesn't give the man any credit as a human being.

Bella goes to sleep, but is too tired to dream. Um, how does that work exactly? Edward is waiting for Bella as soon as Charlie leaves. Once again her heart stops beating, this time because he grinned. Bella really should have her ticker checked out; a heart condition may run in her family.

I couldn't imagine how an angel could be any more glorious. There was nothing about him that could be improved upon.

Didn't Bella once protest to Jessica that there was so much more to Edward than just his looks? Funny how she doesn't seem to mention anything else about him except how OMG GORGEOUS he is. This book is superficial to such a degree that I will say that any woman who ever said that men are pigs, but loves this book that fixates on outward appearances, is a hypocrite.

Edward asks how she slept, and after Bella comments on how appealing his voice is she asks what he did last night, and once again Edward refuses to answer. He asks her questions about the people in her life, and again we don't get to see the answers to his questions. Edward is surprised that Bella never dated before. Frankly, considering how she goes out of her way to alienate people, I am not surprised.

"I should have let you drive yourself today," he announced, apropos of nothing, while I chewed.

Suddenly, unexpectedly, without warning. These are three examples of things that would have worked better than "apropos of nothing." There are just so many ways I could rewrite that sentence. "I should have let you drive yourself today," he said with a tinge of regret. This book is making my inner editor do cartwheels. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Edward says that he'll be leaving with Alice after class today, but he doesn't want Bella to have to walk home. His solution is to fetch Bella's car before school ends so she can drive home herself.

"I don't have my key with me," I sighed. "I really don't mind walking." What I minded was losing my time with him.

Oh well, I suppose that's the end of that. Bella will just have to walk. It sucks, I know, but that's how it is.

He shook his head. "Your truck will be here, and the key will be in the ignition--unless you're afraid someone might steal it."

Did Edward just tell Bella that he's going to break into her house?

"All right," I agreed, pursing my lips. I was pretty sure my key was in the pocket of a pair of jeans I wore Wednesday, under a pile of clothes in the laundry room. Even if he broke into my house, or whatever he was planning, he'd never find it.

My God, he really plans to break into her house ... again. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward: I don't want you to walk home, so I'm going to break into your house, go through your things, and take your key so your truck will be waiting for you.
Bella: Oh, go right ahead. I'm sure my policeman father will have absolutely no problem with you burglarizing his house, and I, for one, will not even stop to think that this means you'll be going through my personal things. Just one question, though.
Edward: Sure, shoot.
Bella: If you have the time to go from the school to my house, break in, and come back with my truck, why can't you just take me with you so I can go inside and get my key myself? The school is in walking distance, so it's not like it would take that long for me to drive back during the lunch period.
Edward: Because SHUT UP!
Bella: You just want to go through my dirty laundry, don't you?
Edward: CHAGRIN!



Bella asks where Edward is going, and he says that he's going to do some illegal poaching of the local wildlife, a crime punishable by a stiff fine and/or jail time. He's doing this because he wants to feed before being alone with Bella, to help keep himself from murdering her. Lovely relationship they have here, huh?

His face grew morose ... and pleading. "You can always cancel, you know."

People in this book have amazingly expressive faces, don't they? Also, WHAT THE HELL? Edward is the one who invited himself to Bella's trip. Her original plan hadn't included him, but he talked her into changing her plans to include him. Now he's playing innocent and acting as if he had nothing to do with it. Going on a private retreat was HIS idea. Bella was going to go to Seattle, but no, he wanted to go somewhere else because he didn't want to let her out of his sight. If being alone with Bella is such a huge problem, why did he insist on being alone with her in the first place? THINK, MCFLY, THINK!

Bella's reaction is just plain sick.

I refused to be convinced to fear him, no matter how real the danger might be. It doesn't matter, I repeated in my head.

It doesn't matter? IT DOESN'T MATTER? This girl is insane! In a nutshell she just said that Edward could be every bit as dangerous as he claims; he could even be a serial murderer for all she knows, and even if he is some depraved lunatic she doesn't care. Even if she is in real danger she will dismiss it, because it doesn't matter to her. In other words, having a hot boyfriend is more important to Bella THAN HER OWN LIFE! There is stupid, and then there is Darwin award stupid! Double stupidity points for her. (+2 Stupidity)

Sorry, I'm just reeling from that paragraph. She's like a lemming who would thoughtlessly jump off a cliff at Edward's behest. Oh, I'm sorry, she ACTUALLY DOES jump off a cliff in New Moon. Just ... wow. Not only is Bella a chronically stupid damsel in distress with no personality to speak of, she doesn't even have a basic sense of self-preservation. What's even worse is that THIS is what young girls are getting their ideas of romance from! That thought makes me sad for humanity.

"No," I whispered, glancing back at his face. "I can't."

Yes you can, you stupid bitch! Don't confuse "can't" with "won't." Just because you don't want to doesn't mean it's not possible. Now that I think about it, maybe she really can't. I mean, it's entirely possible for her to refuse, but given Edward's attitude I think that course may eventually end with something like this.



Bella asks when she'll see him tomorrow, depressed because he won't see her after school. They start making plans, and then Edward asks what Charlie might think if Bella doesn't come home at all. This question ties into a statement Edward had made previously about how he might not bring Bella back (in other words, kidnap her). Bella doesn't notice the implication and plays it off, which upsets Edward. They scowl at each other. She changes the subject when she's sure that she's lost the "glowering contest." Seriously, why is every character in this book constantly scowling and glowering and grimacing?

She asks what they'll be hunting, and Edward's response is whatever they happen to find. Um ... question. Vampires need a regular supply of blood, right? Well, in that case, why go hunting? Wouldn't it be more efficient to get a few pets, perhaps raise some livestock, harvest blood from them and keep it in cold storage? Carlisle is a doctor, right? Why hasn't he cultivated some connections to obtain a supply of donor blood? I'm just saying, raising pets or livestock would result in a self-replenishing supply of blood that they can tap into without drawing any suspicion. At the rate they're hunting, wouldn't the authorities eventually notice that their animals are vanishing out of season? That's not good for their cover at all.

Sorry, I was being logical again. I forgot that logic doesn't apply in Meyerland.

Bella asks why he's hunting with Alice, and Edward informs her that she's the most supportive of his relationship with Bella. His other siblings are all wondering why he's so obsessed and doesn't just leave her alone. Now that is just plain funny. I mean, imagine it this way.

Edward: Bella, I can't stop thinking about you. I don't want to ever be apart from you!
Bella: Oh, Edward, you are so hot!
Edward: What are you saying? I'm dangerous, you should stay away from me! By the way, mind if I drive you to Seattle?
Bella: Um ... okay?
Edward: You foolish girl! Can't you see that I'm dangerous? If you were smart you'd avoid me!
Bella: But you just offered ...
Edward: By the way, Seattle is no good for me. Mind if we go someplace private instead?
Bella: Um ... uh ... alright?
Edward: YOU FOOL! I look at you pleadingly now. Call off the trip. I'm too dangerous! What time should I pick you up? I can be there whenever if you plan to sleep in.
Bella: But you just said ... oh, forget it. How's your family anyway?
Edward: They're wondering why I don't just leave you alone
Bella: So why don't you?
Edward: Because you won't let me go.
Bella: But you're the one who keeps following me everywhere I go. If even your own family is wondering why you don't just leave me alone, doesn't that say something about you?
Edward: I SPARKLE IN THE SUNLIGHT!

Edward Cullen, ladies. To call him the master of mixed signals would be a supreme understatement.

Edward's answer to why he keeps stalking Bella is because she's a super special snowflake, unlike any other human being he has ever met in his century of life. Why not just come out and say that Bella is a Mary Sue avatar for the author and be done with it? Edward claims to have a higher than average understanding of human nature because he can read minds, which is bullshit. What people think and what they do are often in conflict, after all. That he doesn't see Bella for the spoiled brat that she is tells me that he doesn't have as firm a grasp on the human psyche as he claims.

Edward is just a selfish prick. That is the real reason. He is risking a person's life by putting himself in a position to someday murder her, and all this just because she's interesting? He is like a child with a toy, refusing to let it go because it's all shiny and new. Edward may be over a hundred years old, but he is acting like the stupid, hormone-driven teen he resembles. Considering his age, I think you'll appreciate the irony in my saying that Edward needs to grow the fuck up.

Edward goes on about how ZOMG FASCINATING Bella is. Meanwhile Bella looks at the Cullen family so that Edward doesn't "read the chagrin" in her eyes. I wish I didn't have to read the chagrin in this book. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Rosalie glares at Bella and continues to do so until Edward gets peeved. Edward explains that Rosalie is worried that their whole family might be in danger if, after spending so much time publicly with Bella, Edward ended up murdering her. Edward is not only endangering Bella's life with his selfish actions, he is placing the safety of his family at risk as well. Why does he keep stalking her, then? Because he's a selfish bastard. For that matter, why doesn't his family do something? If Edward's actions put them in danger, why do they not intervene?

Bella doesn't notice the implications of Edward's words. Rather, she is frustrated at Rosalie for interrupting them. It shouldn't surprise me that Bella has no concern for things that affect more than just her, given her track record. Seriously, how self-absorbed is this girl?

Edward takes a moment to be emo, and Alice teleports over to their table, because even the act of walking from one table to another must be done mysteriously by the Cullens. It's time for Edward to leave, as he and Alice must go on their illegal hunting trip. Um ... why does he have to go now? Don't get me wrong, I love that he's leaving, but think about it. Edward doesn't sleep, he essentially has the entire day and night to hunt, so why does he have to ditch school to do it? I get the impression from his explanation that this hunting trip is a precaution, not a necessity, so what's the rush?

Meyer describes Alice as "elfin" and "willowy," so I will now refer to her as Elf Willow. If you don't know what I'm talking about, imagine the protagonist of this movie, but as an elf. Edward introduces Bella to Elf Willow, who apparently has "brilliant obsidian eyes," which I swear I've read in several bad fanfics which were more entertaining than this book. She uses the word "sinuous" to describe Elf Willow's walk, which comes uncomfortably close to saying her spine was a snake in my opinion.

After what passes for banter in this book they finally say their goodbyes, but not before Edward makes Bella promise to be safe, because she is obviously so weak that she risks death or injury every second that she is not under Edward's stalking gaze. At this point I think this is not genuine concern from Edward, but merely a sign of his possessiveness. He watches Bella like a miser watches his gold, with greed and paranoia.

Bella considers ditching school, which would render Edward's retrieval of her truck pointless, but stops herself because she's afraid that people will think that she's with Edward. She repeats Rosalie's concern about what might happen if "something went wrong" after being seen with Edward in public, and once again completely fails to see the implications of this. To be fair it's not that she doesn't "get it," it's that she willfully refuses to acknowledge what those words mean. As she herself said, she doesn't care how much danger she is in, so long as she has a hot boi. She is, in effect, putting her hands to her ears and shouting "LA LA LA, I AM NOT LISTENING, LA LA LA!" That this airhead is considered a role model for young girls saddens me to no end.

I intuitively knew--and sensed he did too--that tomorrow would be pivotal.

Classic projection. I don't think Bella "sensed" anything, she merely projected her own overblown expectations onto Edward, assuming that they are of the same mind.

Our relationship couldn't balance, as it did, on the point of a knife.

What relationship? They only just reached the point where they ask basic questions such as "what's your favorite color?" and Bella doesn't even put that much effort into getting to know Edward as a person. This is hardly a relationship in the way that Bella means. There is no emotional investment between the two of them, only lust and infatuation that they mistake for love. Bella is a stupid girl with a crush, and Edward is a possessive stalker.

You've just got to love Meyer's choice of words. Their relationship balances on a knife's point, huh? That sounds oh so dramatic and dangerous, except that it's complete bullshit. There is no drama here, no difficulty that they must overcome. The most we get is Bella obsessing and Edward being emo. Meyer leans heavily on artificial tension because she lacks the ability to write genuine tension. The story is dramatic because Meyer says it is, not because there is any real drama stemming from situations in the actual book.

In full ham mode, Bella goes on about how their relationship depends entirely on Edward's decisions (because the man is always right) and how there is nothing more terrifying to her than leaving Edward. Needy much? What really disturbs me is the subtle message this sends, that a girl should allow herself to be completely consumed by the boy she's with. That her own thoughts, feelings, and ambitions should mean nothing compared to whether or not she has a boy. That is not healthy! Yes, relationships are an important part of human development, but they are not the be all and end all of one's existence. That this book preaches blind dependence does great harm to its target audience and sets up highly unrealistic expectations that will most likely end badly.

Bella goes to class, and Mike wishes her a good time in Seattle. For some reason Bella decides to tell him that she's not going, giving an excuse about her truck. Naturally, Mike asks if she's going to the dance with Edward, and she says no. When Mike asks what she'd be doing if she's not going to Seattle or the dance, Bella wants him to butt out.

Ouch. Touchy, isn't she? Suddenly there's some big taboo against asking what she's up to? Why did she tell Mike that she wasn't going to Seattle anyway? It could be argued that she's being honest, but then she immediately lied about what she'd actually be doing, saying she'd be doing laundry and studying for a test. If she was just going to lie anyway, why not just let Mike continue to think that she'd be in Seattle? Sorry, I was being logical again. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella lies through her teeth about Edward, saying that they're not going to be together that day, and she also comments about how it's getting easier for her to lie. Mike invites Bella to the dance again, and she snaps at him. It's interesting to note that on mention of Edward not being there Mike "perks up" but when turned down he immediately "sulks." The characters in this book jump from one emotional extreme to the next so quickly that they're more like cartoon caricatures than actual people. Bella, as usual, doesn't give a damn. (+1 Bitch)

I did not especially want to walk home, but I couldn't see how he would have retrieved my truck.

It's called breaking and entering.

Then again, I was starting to believe that nothing was impossible for him.

What? So if he breaks into her house and takes her keys from her pile of dirty laundry it's because he's so totally awesome that nothing is impossible for him? Doesn't it enter her mind for one second that such an act may be a little bit creepy and unhealthy, not to mention ILLEGAL?

Bella truck is waiting for her, with the key in the ignition. Other than being momentarily surprised, Bella does not question how Edward got to her keys. She does not put two and two together and realize that her house had just been broken into. When she gets home she notes that the front door is locked just as she left it, which is meaningless because Edward could easily have locked the door behind himself when he left. Most likely, though, I suspect he used the same entrance he'd been using all this time he's been repeatedly breaking into her house to watch her sleep at night. She checks her clothes in the laundry room and, not finding her keys, assumes that she'd simply hung them up. Unless she hangs her keys outside, this still means that HE BROKE INTO HER BLOODY HOUSE!

The thought never occurs to her. Instead she calls Jessica to tell her that she's not going to Seattle, and is immediately suspicious of Jessica's tone, saying she seemed too disappointed. Again, why is she telling people she's not going to Seattle if she's just going to hand them all new lies anyway? She tells her fath--I mean, Charlie--about Seattle, giving him the same bullshit she gave Mike and Jessica. He offers to cancel his fishing trip, but she insists that he goes because it would be inconvenient if he stayed home and noticed that Bella had been talking out of her ass.

Bella says that she feels guilty for deceiving him, but not guilty enough to tell him the truth. (+1 Bitch)

Bella: Even though my supposed trip to Seattle will in no way interfere with my plans with Edward and is, in fact, the perfect cover up, I'm going to tell even more lies and needlessly complicate my own plans for no adequately explained reason!
Charlie: Hello Bella, darling. Have fun in Seattle!
Bella: I'm not going to Seattle, Dad. I'm going to stay home and do laundry. Oh, and please don't come home early or anything like that; otherwise my blatant lies to you will be completely ruined. Ruined, I say!
Charlie: Whatever you say, My sweet Mary Sue.
Bella: Just so you don't think I'm a total bitch I promise to feel guilty while I'm sneaking around behind your back and lying about Edward for absolutely no reason. Aren't I selfless and self-sacrificing? That's what my fans call me.

Bella does the laundry ... which is what she said she'd be doing Saturday. Way to hold up your alibi if Charlie sees and the next day realizes "hmm, didn't she do the laundry last night?" There's more pointless filler about Bella obsessing over Edward. For one very brief moment she seems to consider the amount of danger she's putting herself in, even going so far as to wonder if it would hurt if things "ended badly." She instantly dismisses this, however, because leaving Edward would be "intolerable." Once again she places having a boyfriend above her own life.

Oh I just love this next part. Bella does something so utterly scandalous that normally she would never condone such behavior, but she's desperate, damn it, so she has no choice! Oh, it is just so reckless and dangerous that I can't even bear to speak of it!

What did she do?

I knew I was far too stressed to sleep, so I did something I'd never done before.

Oooh, I am positively aquiver with anticipation! What did she do? What is it?

I deliberately took unnecessary cold medicine--the kind that knocked me out for a good eight hours.

That it? She took NyQuil? That's what she considers reckless behavior?

I normally wouldn't condone this type of behavior in myself ...

Because nobody ever takes NyQuil to help them sleep at night. What kind of a 17-year-old is she that she considers taking a sleeping aid to be out of control behavior? What's next, will she decide not to tuck the bed sheets in the morning? How rebellious! Someone call Jerry Springer!

After we get the pleasure of seeing her do her hair and pick her clothes, she puts on some music to help her sleep. She wakes up the next morning, having slept well because of her "gratuitous drug use." Gratuitous? She calls taking a bit of cold medicine gratuitous? Honey, you've lived a VERY sheltered life, haven't you?

After being treated to Meyer describing the exact method in which Bella puts on her clothes, she goes through the rest of her morning ritual and then flies to the door (I picture her sprouting wings) and opens it for Edward. Edward laughs because they're wearing matching outfits, and Bella comments about how he looks like a runway model.

Edward decides to take Bella's gas-guzzling truck instead of his Volvo and has a bit of a Jesus complex when he gets to the passenger's side.

He waited by the passenger door with a martyred expression that was easy to understand.

Meyer just can't resist using the most dramatic-sounding words to describe the simplest of things. Couldn't she have just said that Edward was disappointed that he wouldn't be driving instead of using a word that brings forth images of crucifixions? Meyer's attempt at sounding dramatic just comes off as unintentionally funny. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella has trouble driving because ZOMG Edward is LOOKING at her! *gag* Edward gives her directions as they go, and she can "hear a smile" in his voice. Bella has a small panic attack at the concept of walking after they reach their destination, describing it as a "coming horror." Why am I still reading this?

Edward gets angry when Bella tells him that she lied to everyone about where they were going and that nobody knows she's with him. In a rare moment when I'm actually 100% behind Edward, the two have this exchange.

"You said it might cause trouble for you ... us being together publicly," I reminded him.
"So you worried about the trouble it might cause me--if you don't come home?" His voice was still angry, and bitingly sarcastic.

It says something when the abusive stalker who has no problem with breaking into people's houses turns out to be the voice of reason. Edward, please just eat the bitch and get it over with. Clearly she is too dumb to live. She even did all of the work ensuring that no one would suspect you. Free lunch, Eddykins. Free lunch!

They get out of the truck. Edward follows, "eyes still annoyed." Bella panics because they're not going to use the foot trail, which amuses Edward enough that he forgets his anger at Bella's stupidity. Does everyone in this book have the attention span of a goldfish? Edward turns to Bella, and she "stifles a gasp" at seeing Edward in a sleeveless shirt. The word "perfect" is used twice, and Bella describes him as "godlike."

Um, Bella, remember when you so smugly put down Jessica for admiring Edward's looks and swore that there was SO much more to him than his appearance? You're not helping your own case here. (+1 Eye Sex)

She feels a "piercing stab of despair" and Edward notices her "tortured" expression. Edward asks, with "pain saturating his voice" if she'd like to go home. If this gets any more ridiculous I'm going to hurl. This is the literary equivalent of over-acting. (+1 Wangst)

Bella decides that the forest setting is the perfect place to be emo. Edward scrutinizes her face (her words) after noticing her "dejection." Bella responds to his effort to cheer her up by replying to him "acidly." Isn't Bella such a likable character, how she goes emo and snaps at Edward for no real reason?

I tried to keep my eyes away from his perfection as much as possible, but I slipped often. Each time, his beauty pierced me through with sadness

Oh for the love of God, please shut up! I got the point about Edward's physical appearance the last hundred times it was pointed out. Is this really all that Meyer can write about? How about including an actual STORY in this book?

Edward asks her some personal questions, which Bella describes as interrogation. I don't think that word means what Meyer thinks it means. Asking about her birthdays and childhood pets doesn't constitute interrogation, especially in the context of someone she supposedly loves trying to get to know her better. Not that the bitch has any concept of what real love is. To her it means ogling Edward and waxing poetic about his physical appearance. She's not in love, she's just horny. I'll give Edward some credit; at least he puts some kind of effort into this.

This is love as Bella sees it. NSFW



They walk through the forest a bit. At this point my brain has numbed from the stupidity of this book to such a degree that I'm not even going to bother yelling at Meyer for completely messing up how light works in the woods. Edward points out a patch of sunlight ahead. As Bella notices, Edward's smirk grows "more pronounced." Couldn't Meyer have just said that his smile widened or something? If she's trying to convey emotion, the use of such clinical wording kills the attempt. She steps into a meadow and ...

A meadow?

No ... no ... no no no no no!

We're getting to THAT scene! Dear God, no! Why did I do this to myself? Why did I write this blog knowing that it would eventually come to this? Why, God, WHY?

And, my goodness, the purple ... the purple ...

I was actually surprised that I didn't catch more instances of purple prose in the previous chapters. Sure there are PLENTY of overwrought sentences, mostly having to do with Edward's beauty, but those bits never lasted long enough to be considered prose. Here the flowery language normally reserved for Edward is transferred to the scenery and, my God, it is purple. (+1 Purple Prose)

In an attempt to create tension, Meyer has this chapter end on a cliffhanger, with Edward just starting to step into the sunlight. For me this comes as a relief, because that means I can stop here and take some time to ready myself for the massive levels of fail I'll have to plow through next chapter. Just so you know, I will NOT be writing the next entry without some kind of alcoholic beverage in my hands at all times. Which reminds me.

I need a drink.

Final Tally:

+7 Stupidity
+3 Thesaurus Rape
+2 Bitch
+1 Purple Prose
+1 Eye Sex
+1 Wangst

Real life strikes again..

Sorry for the delay. Unfortunately, real life got in the way of my normal activities and didn't leave me time to participate in the Twilight Sucks forums or write this blog. I won't bore you with the specifics, but suffice it to say I had to get my shit in order. Luckily I had already made some good headway in the next chapter before all that happened, so it will be up soon. Again, apologies for the delay.

Twilight - Chapter Eleven

In a nutshell: "blah blah, Edward is awesome, blah blah" and NOTHING HAPPENS!

I must admit that when I started this blog I didn't imagine I would get this far into the book. I assumed that by this point the story would have gotten good enough that there would be no point in my panning it. I guess I simply put too much faith that something so popular couldn't be so bad. Well, here we are, so I guess it is.

Bound and determined to drill it into our skulls how awesome Edward is, the very first sentence of this chapter talks about how everyone is staring at Bella and Edward as they sit down in lab class, as if we hadn't gotten enough of random people stopping and staring last chapter. The teacher walks into the class dragging a TV and VCR in a paragraph that completely abuses the use of dashes. He shoves the tape into the "reluctant" VCR. Um ... so VCRs have feelings now? I wonder if this is why Edward can read the minds of radar guns.

By the way, for this chapter I'm going to be taking a dash count. I'm just curious about just how much Meyer abuses the poor dash. 3 Dashes.

Bella goes on about how amazing it is to *gasp* actually be sitting next to Edward in class ... even though they've shared that seat since day one. Electricity flows through her, so suddenly she's the Highlander. She talks about Edward's "perfect" face and blah blah blah. The movie starts, and at this point I don't care if it's a documentary on the mating habits of turtles; anything is better than this insufferable false tension. The screen lights up the room by "a token amount." *rolls eyes*

Edward looks at her and his eyes "smolder." So, Edward is looking at her hatefully? That isn't very nice. That is the definition of smolder most commonly attributed to eyes.

Smolder: to show suppressed anger, hate, or jealousy (eyes smoldering with hate). (Merriam Webster Dictionary)

Bella nearly hyperventilates. Apparently out of the many words Meyer has taken from her giant thesaurus, the word "subtlety" is not among them. This ham-fisted attempt at romance strikes me as more comedic than romantic. It's just Meyer picking the most dramatic-sounding words and having her characters overreact to the slightest thing Edward does. I can do it too.

His smoldering eyes held me in a vice-like grip. I was powerless under the inextricable scrutiny of his gaze. He scratched his head, and I had to breath into my lunch bag. He touched me, and my heart stopped. When I awoke in the hospital, several hours later, he smiled at me and I flat-lined. The word "clear!" was the last I remembered hearing.

The funny thing is that Bella's heart actually HAD stopped beating in chapter nine, and Edward hadn't even touched her. If you think the above example is ridiculous, know that it isn't that far removed from what's in the actual book.

Sometimes I can almost imagine Meyer standing over the readers with a giant hammer called "plot" in her hands and whacking her readers over the head with it until they can't think rational thoughts, thus leaving them in the perfect state to swallow this tripe. Another blow of that hammer comes when Bella is so fixated on Edward that she doesn't even know what the subject of the film is. I get the feeling that if Meyer could magically replace every instance of the name "Edward" with a column of light and angel song, she would. 4 dashes.

It appears that Edward is the Highlander, because the lightning bolts are coming from his body.



She goes on and on about wanting to touch him, which makes me wonder at the nature of the relationship. You see, in a normal, healthy relationship, touching is kind of a given. Surely Edward and Bella's "unconditional and irrevocable" twu wuv would allow for touching at the very least.

"Well, that was interesting," he murmured. His voice was dark and his eyes were cautious.

Yeah, those few paragraphs of NOTHING HAPPENING were very interesting. I get so tired of books with real plots, where things actually happen and the characters are 3-dimensional. It gets boring reading about characters with pasts, personal motivations, and personalities of their own.

From now on I hereby dub Bella the "eye psychic," because she seems able to tell a hell of a lot more from people's eyes than is humanly possible.

His face startled me--his expression was torn, almost pained, and so fiercely beautiful that the ache to touch him flared as strong as before.

No real reason for quoting that except to give you a taste of what I'm putting up with. 5 dashes. I'm beginning to wonder if Meyer uses so many dashes because they look like little penises to her. Also, this point is way overdue. (+1 Eye Sex)

The tension Meyer is trying to create rings false because there is no real source for it. She tries to paint this as a forbidden love, where they must resist the urge to even touch each other, but nobody is forbidding them. If they want to they can go ahead and do it. The only thing stopping them is Edward being an ungodly asshole, and that doesn't count. Oh, and don't try that "he's a vampire and might lose control" line, because that ceased to be relevant the moment Edward decided to stalk Bella like the obsessive asshat that he is, completely ignoring that risk.

Bella, the eye psychic, notes the "conflict raging in his eyes" when he tries to touch her. Disregarding that there is no real source for conflict, I find it funny that Edward has such a problem touching Bella when he feels no "conflict" when it comes to grabbing her forcefully (parking lot scene, anyone?) or breaking into her house to watch her sleep.

His skin was as icy as ever, but the trail his fingers left on my skin was alarmingly warm--like I'd been burned, but didn't feel the pain of it yet.

Is Meyer saying that Edward's hands are cold enough to give her frostbite from a light touch? How is that even possible? As I explained in chapter seven, it is physically impossible for Edward's skin to be that cold. Also, if his skin is that cold, how come Bella never had a similar reaction the previous times Edward touched her? (+1 Stupidity)

6 dashes.

Bella is "lightheaded and wobbly" as she enters gym. Is it weird to feel an urge to physically assault a fictional character? I just REALLY want to slap Bella across the face right now. She changes her clothes while in a "trancelike" state, really hamming it up. Then she's handed a racket and ...

Wait, hold on! Are we actually in Gym class? Are we going to actually see it this time? Wow, I must admit this is unexpected. Perhaps we'll finally see some of that famous clumsiness we've been hearing so much about. She notes the other people eyeing her furtively. I'm given to think that Bella is just full of herself, but considering all the staring people have been doing because Meyer is obsessed with having Bella be a super special snowflake, I'm not surprised.

Mercifully, some vestiges of Mike's chivalry still survived; he came to stand beside me.

What is that supposed to mean? Is Bella saying that Mike has turned into a jerk since we last saw him, and only some of his former niceness survived? Did her opinion of him drop that much since he stopped chasing after her ass? There is no way to win with her, is there? Pay attention to her and you're a dog; leave her alone and you're not chivalrous. What a bitch! (+1 Bitch)

Mike volunteers to pair up with Bella for a doubles game, and she says that he doesn't have to do this, as if it is some great burden to play with her. I'm actually interested to see how this turns out. I'm eager to actually SEE some of Bella's clumsiness for once, and not "oh, I dropped something so now Edward has to pick it up."

7 dashes.

Bella grimaces apologetically ... how do you even do that?



Websters defines "grimace" as "a facial expression usually of disgust, disapproval, or pain." How, exactly, does one make an expression of disgust apologetically? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella accidentally hits Mike with the racket and hits her own face with the same swing. Even a clumsy person couldn't manage that. Do you know how hard it is to "accidentally" hit your own face? When I said I wanted to see clumsiness, I expected her to trip over Mike's feet or bump into someone. This is just dumb. If Bella really is that clumsy she should not be driving a truck; She should not leave the house; She should be in a "special" school, learning the alphabet with colorful blocks.

After that she stands back and Mike plays with himself--I mean by himself, BY himself! Um ... where is the teacher? He just lets students walk out of the game during team exercises? As if Meyer realized that she had just went a few whole minutes without mentioning Edward, it turns out that Edward is exactly who Mike wants to talk about.

Bella immediate switches into bitch mode and tells Mike that it's none of his business while simultaneously wishing that Jessica would go to Hell. Woops, I mean Hades. So, let me get this straight: In their "unconditional and irrevocable" love, their relationship not only has a prohibition against touching, but it's taboo to talk about it as well? I should tell the world of this revelation!

Me: Hey guys, Twilight says it's not love if you talk about it. So no showing pictures, smiling whenever her name is mentioned, or slipping her into conversations. Be cold and distant. Don't talk about her; don't even touch her. Bella Swan commands it!

Seriously, what did she expect to happen? If she wanted to keep their relationship (I use the term loosely) a secret, she did a horrible job of it, what with the ditching her friends to sit with him and all. Did she somehow expect them all to just pretend that nothing is happening? If so, then she must not have been around other people for very long. (+1 Bitch)

Mike doesn't like Edward, and he tells Bella why.

"He looks at you like ... like you're something to eat," ...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ...

Since it was Meyer's joke and Bella is Meyer, Bella naturally finds this hilarious and rushes off to the locker room. I wonder if it ever occurred to her to find it worrying that Edward is being so creepy that other people are starting to comment on it.

I honestly can't make heads or tails of this next sentence.

I dressed quickly, something stronger than butterflies battering recklessly against the walls of my stomach, my argument with Mike already a distant memory.

So ... her clothes are stronger than butterflies? The act of dressing is stronger than nervousness? How do sentences this sloppy make it past the editor? Was he asleep at the desk or something? (+1 Stupidity)

Did they know that I knew? Was I supposed to know that they knew that I knew, or what?

And by reading this blog you know that I know that you know that I know that I hate this book.

After obsessing over Edward some more, she finds him waiting for her at the gym. After talking about his "breathtaking" face she breathes the word "hi" while smiling hugely ... and she used to call Mike a dog?

Edward's eyes shift focus slightly, which means he looked over her shoulder. Apparently Edward doesn't like Mike and he tells Bella so. Very classy, Eddykins, disliking someone because you can't charm him into doing what you want and he is the sole person, so far, to actively question your actions. Right now Edward is looking a lot like the spoiled kid who cries because he didn't get his own way.

Bella asks if Edward has been listening in again, and when he says yes this pisses her off. She doesn't seem angry because Edward is spying on her, but rather because he saw her in gym. Edward doesn't seem to care. What ... the ... fuck?

8, 9, 10, 11 dashes.

Bella notices a crowd composed entirely of boys surrounding Rosalie's car, because girls can't possibly be interested in cars. No, they're too busy with their knitting needles and selecting which apron to wear while they cook their men dinner. Also, why are they paying that much attention to a car? Has Rosalie never drove it to school before in all these years? Is it their first time seeing it? It's a red convertible, not the Messiah. Sure it would elicit interest from car enthusiasts, but a crowd of people circling it? We get it, Meyer, the Cullens are rich. (+1 Stupidity)

It's like all boys in Meyerland are chimps, distracted by the first shiny new thing they see. When Bella arrived, every human male wanted her (according to Edward), and now they see a car and they're all "ooh, shiny!" It appears that Twilight isn't just sexist towards women.

Edward says it's a BMW M3. He also calls it "ostentatious" again. 12 dashes.

Edward asks if Bella is still mad at him, and she is. He asks if she would forgive him if he apologizes, and she says she would if he meant it and promised not to do it again. A reasonable request.

His eyes were suddenly shrewd. "How about if I mean it, and I agree to let you drive Saturday?" he countered my conditions.

Wasn't that Bella's idea in the first place? How does this sound?

Edward: Forgive me for stalking you in school and using psychic powers to spy on you and I'll give you permission to drive, even though that was your idea in the first place. Pfft. Women drivers. Next thing you know they'll want to vote too.

Edward apologizes, his eyes "burning with sincerity for a protracted moment." My eyes are rolling for a protracted moment. 14 dashes. He says he'll be at Bella's driveway on Saturday, which worries her because she thinks it will make it difficult to hide Edward from her fath--I mean, Charlie. Edward smiles "condescendingly" and says that he won't bring a car. 15 dashes.

Bella brings up the subject of why she can't see Edward hunt. 16 dashes. She presses him for an explanation as to why he reacted as angrily as he had. He explains that it's because they go all primal when they hunt, and if she were there she'd be dinner. After gazing at the clouds "morosely" he looks at Bella, and once again becomes the Highlander, because electricity charges the atmosphere. 17 dashes.

Edward says that she should go inside, and as she leaves he informs her that tomorrow he gets to ask questions. Does this mean he's leaving this scene? Please let him be leaving this scene! His car speeds down the street as he leaves.

HOORAY!

Bella doesn't get much sleep because she's too busy dreaming about Edward being the Highlander. I must say that it certainly would explain why Edward is the way he is. You'd be a douchebag too if you were under constant threat of having your head chopped off.

Her father asks her about Saturday, which makes Bella cringe. He then asks if she's still going to Seattle, which makes her grimace. Does she do it apologetically? He asks about the dance, and then Bella glares. Ugh! What is with all the glaring and the frowning and the grimacing in this book?

Charlie shows some parental concern, worrying that perhaps nobody had asked her out. Oh, if only he knew the truth behind that. Bella isn't about to ruin her street cred by being honest with her father, so she avoids the question. Surprisingly Bella shows some small sympathy for her father, though her reasoning behind that sympathy is a little twisted.

It must be a hard thing, to be a father; living in fear that your daughter would meet a boy she liked, but also having to worry if she didn't.

Living in fear of his daughter finding a boy? Granted there is always the concern that one's child may end up with someone abusive and controlling ... like Edward. However, unless the parent is overprotective or insecure, they probably wish for their children to find their match. It's the fond wish of parents to see their children grow up, move out, and make a life for themselves. Parents want their children to give them grandchildren. Me thinks this quote is simply Meyer projecting her own issues on the rest of the world.

How ghastly it would be, I thought, shuddering, if Charlie had even the slightest inkling of exactly what I did like.

You mean the boy who's family he sung the praises of in chapter two? Alright, so maybe the whole vampire thing wouldn't settle so well with him, but unless Edward grows fangs and starts sucking blood right in front of him, I doubt he'd find out. Wait, I forgot, Meyerpires don't have fangs. Ugh!

Charlie leaves, and Edward arrives in his Volvo seconds later. So, the guy who constantly says "I'm dangerous, you should stay away from me" suddenly can't wait to put himself in the very position he whines about. So much for his constant warnings and preaching about how they shouldn't be together, eh?

He was smiling, relaxed--and, as usual, perfect and beautiful to an excruciating degree.

This is the same girl who looked down on Jessica as shallow for complimenting Edward's looks. Our heroine, ladies and gentleman, Ms. Hypocrite McBitchSnipe. (+1 Eye Sex)

18 dashes. I notice that the dashes are most heavily concentrated when Edward is present. This could mean that ... oh no, oh God! OH MY GOD, THE DASHES ARE EDWARD'S PENIS! Gross! *pukes*

They exchange good mornings and drive off. 20 dashes. Bella asks Edward what he did last night, but he refuses to answer. I suppose "hid in your bedroom while you slept" wouldn't make a very good ice breaker. Edward points out that today he will be asking questions, and Bella's forehead creases. Of all the facial expressions to choose from, Meyer settles on a creasing forehead. *sigh* Bella wonders what kind of questions Edward might ask, what kind of information about her he'd find interesting. Edward, his face grave, asks the question that will rock the very foundation of their relationship.

"What's your favorite color?" he asked, his face grave.

BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

You just got to stop and think about how awesome this is. I mean, just look at this in its proper context.

Bella: Oh Edward is so gorgeous, so mysterious and strong and beautiful. I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.
Edward: Bella, we shouldn't be together but I can't stand the thought of being away from you. I must stay with you at all times. I watch you sleep at night, I follow you wherever you go, I would do anything to protect you ... well, everything except leave you alone so I don't one day end up murdering you. I have but one question to ask of you, Bella, my sun, my moon, my starry sky!
Bella: Oh, Edward, ask whatever question you want. I will answer anything as long as I get to see your perfect lips move to form the words. Ask. Ask me anything!
Edward: Um ... what's your favorite color? It suddenly occurs to me that we know nothing about each other.

You see what I mean? Oh, this is rich! You can't write a better parody of romance than Twilight manages unintentionally. I also love how Edward gravely asks what color Bella likes, trying to lend the simple question an air of drama. Hahaha! We're nearly halfway through the book, and ONLY JUST NOW are they getting around to actually getting to know each other. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella says her color preference changes from day to day, but today it's brown because it's a warm color. 22 dashes. Edward agrees that brown is warm, and in the time it took for them to talk about the color brown they arrive at school. We now move on to the next question.

"What music is in your CD player right now?" he asked, his face as somber as if he'd asked for a murder confession.

We get it, Edward is a brooding emo vampire. Give it a rest already, Meyer!

I must say I'm loving this discussion. All of the overly-dramatic and overwrought soliloquies about Bella's "unconditional and irrevocable" love for Edward; about how Edward is perfect and beautiful and all things desirable, and after all that we're just now discussing things like favorite colors and musical tastes. This is one of those rare moments when I actually find myself enjoying what I see in this book.

Bella tells Edward about the CD Phil had given her, and by an amazing coincidence it turns out that Edward has the same CD. Um, question. If Edward is so rich, why doesn't he have an MP3 player? For that matter, if they're in love why haven't they exchanged cell numbers yet? Do they even have cell phones? They do come in handy, you know. If Bella and her friend had cell phones when they were in Port Angeles, Bella might have been spared a lot of trouble.

Edward continues asking her basic questions, which seems to irritate Bella, who says he "questioned me relentlessly about every insignificant detail of my existence." It appears that Bella wants to go back to finding new ways to describe Edward's eyes without all that bothersome getting-to-know-you stuff. You know, considering how obsessed Bella is with Edward you'd think she'd welcome the opportunity to learn these things about him as well. In this, Edward is actually acting more human than Bella. At least he is trying to get an understanding of her that extends beyond surface things such as appearance.

Unfortunately we don't get to see most of the answers, as they are glossed over in the narration. This is clearly Meyer's clumsy attempt at character development, but since very few answers to Edward's personality questions are provided in the text, Bella remains as flat and empty a character as ever. What few answers are provided are stuff we already know (Bella likes warmth and Phil gave her a CD).

Edward asks what Bella's favorite gemstone is. She says topaz, and Edward literally commands her to tell him why. 23 dashes. Bella says that it's because Topaz is the color of his eyes. So ... Edward's eyes are clear? They can appear in many different colors such as blue, red, or pink? Does Bella simply not know that topaz is NOT a color?

I'd given more information than necessary in my unwilling honesty, and I worried it would provoke the strange anger that flared whenever I slipped and revealed too clearly how obsessed I was.

Oh, where do I even begin? Bella clearly is not only annoyed at Edward's questions, but doesn't want to give him honest answers. In other words, she doesn't want to share her personal world with him. Is this the behavior one would expect from someone who is "unconditionally and irrevocably" in love (yes, I'm going to keep quoting that)? So far she has shown zero interest in getting to know Edward as a person and merely fixates on his outward appearance. When given the opportunity to engage Edward on a deeper level via this getting-to-know-you conversation, she resists the whole process.

You cannot argue that this is a love story; the evidence to the contrary is right here. Bella narrates that she is so ZOMG IN WUV with Edward, yet she has no interest in moving past Edward's surface qualities. What some people fail to realize is that this is not love just because Meyer says it is. For it to be love, the two characters would have to actually act like they're in love. So far all I see is superficial lust on Bella's part and abusive, obsessive stalking from Edward. That is not love.

Also, the fact that Bella is afraid to share her interests with Edward because he may get angry isn't exactly an atmosphere that is conducive to romance. Given her reaction to Edward, her supposed "twu wuv," I understand a little better why she constantly lies to her father and withholds information. The bitch just lies to people out of habit. Oh, and I find it funny that Bella is worried about freaking Edward out because she notices his eye colors. She is worried that SHE is more obsessed than the guy who is STALKING her. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward asks her what her favorite flowers are and Bella "continued with the psychoanalysis." Is that how she views this? As some kind of clinical drudgery? If she were really "in love" she would have not only given an earnest effort to answer his questions, but she would have had enough interest in Edward to get answers to those same questions from him as well. I swear, it constantly amazes me how many anti-love messages are in this book, which is heralded as some great love story.

Bella: OMG, Edward keeps trying to get to know me better. That is such a chore! Why can't he just shut up and look pretty so I can continue writing descriptions of his perfect face and muscled chest in my notebook? That's what love is, right? I don't have to actually care about him, I just have to think he's hot.

And THIS is what young girls are looking to as an example of true love? God help us all! Oh, and don't think I'm just going to forgive Bella's complete inability to notice or care that someone she supposedly "loves" is making an honest attempt to understand her. She is such a humungous bitch that she can't see beyond what SHE wants. It's just "me me me" with her. (+1 Bitch)

It's TV day in Biology again, and Edward once again becomes the Highlander when the teacher cuts the lights off. Bella again gets all overly-dramatic about longing to touch Edward and blah blah blah. There is one line here that I found interesting.

I leaned forward on the table, resting my chin on my folded arms, my hidden fingers gripping the table's edge as I fought to ignore the irrational longing that unsettled me.

Again with the prohibition against touching. What I find interesting is how Bella finds it "unsettling" to want to touch Edward. That is the opposite of how someone who's in love would think. I may have given her some credit if she'd said that it's because she doesn't think it's appropriate to fondle Edward in class, but that is not indicated here. Even so, young people in love would not be above touching each other or even sneaking kisses, consequences be damned.

Another appropriate reaction would be if Bella welcomed the idea of touching Edward, but was afraid of getting caught and drawing people's attention. Again, this is not indicated. Instead, Bella simply finds the idea "irrational" and "unsettling." Her choice of words implies a certain level of disgust at the notion. Whether or not that is what Meyer meant, this is still sloppy writing on her part. Also sloppy is her use of the same plot device twice to convey the same message. The first TV time was excusable, but essentially writing the same scene a second time is just unnecessary padding to make a point that has already been made.

Bella, the eye psychic, notes that Edward's eyes are "ambivalent," and the word is not given any context as to the source of this ambivalence. The word implies contradictory feelings, but without any stated or implied context the word is not descriptive at all. Is Edward conflicted between desire and disgust at Bella, or is it something else? Meyer, please burn your thesaurus. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

They walk to Gym and Edward once again touches her face with his hand. 25 dashes. Is it just me, or are we having the same day twice? Mike plays with himself--I mean by himself, BY himself! My God, even the jokes are repeating themselves! Bella admits to feeling a little bad about arguing with Mike, but immediately dismisses it because it's not as important to her as what SHE wants. That paragraph ends in a sentence fragment.

Just like Yesterday she rushes off to meet Edward after gym and gets that same dumb smile on her face. You ever get a sense of Deja vu, like you've seen all of this before? Weird, isn't it?

Edward asks more questions as they sit in front of her fath--dang it, I mean Charlie's--house. Bella makes an attempt to answer in the form of a long paragraph describing how awesome Arizona is. Interestingly, Bella describes her room to him. This is interesting because Edward has been breaking into her room at night to watch her sleep, so he's perfectly familiar with what her room looks like.

Just like Yesterday she rushes off to meet Edward after gym and gets that same dumb smile on her face. You ever get a sense of Deja vu, like you've seen all of this before? Weird, isn't it?

Edward notes that her father will be home soon. Bella responds with "Charlie!" before asking what time it is. 27 dashes.

"It's twilight," Edward murmured ...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ...

He makes a comment about the end of day and the coming of night, trying to sound deep and mysterious but really just coming off like the pretentious emo brat that he is. He notes that Charlie will be back in a few minutes and offers Bella another opportunity to come clean with her dad and tell him about Edward. Her response is "thanks, but no thanks." Edward opens the car door for her, which causes her heart to go into "frenzied palpitations," and, consequently, causes my eyes to do some frenzied rolling.

Edward stops this time and says that there's "another complication." Oh, I see what Meyer did there, quoting the title name in order to justify it. Har har har. To say "another" complication implies that there had been one previously. Where was this first complication in this chapter? I did not see it. There was a lot of "ooh, Edward is gorgeous," followed by Bella complaining because she doesn't want to actually get to know Edward. No complication there that I can see.

It turns out that the "complication" is Jacob arriving in his car with his dad, followed by Charlie in his squad car. This might have been an actual complication if it in any way impacted Bella or Edward, but being that Edward sped away in his car before any of them could notice, this situation is not complicated in the least. 28 dashes.

Apparently Billy Black must be the werewolf equivalent of droopy dog, because Bella describes his cheeks as being so saggy that they rest on his shoulders. Apparently the man smells vampire on Bella, because he stops smiling upon laying eyes on her. Actually, scratch that, I think it's just bitchiness he smells on her.

And here the chapter finally ends. Good Lord, here I thought I'd seen every way in which a chapter can be needlessly padded, but Meyer has actually managed to surprise me. Writing entire chapters where nothing actually happens apparently wasn't enough this time, so she just put the chapter on a loop and essentially wrote the same day twice. Why? Um, laziness perhaps? The sheer depths to which Meyer will sink amazes me to no end!

*sigh* We all know what's coming up, don't we? We're closing in on the moment I know you've all been waiting for. Chapter twelve leads directly into the infamous "meadow scene." Stay tuned, dear readers, for the dreaded duo is up next.

I need a drink.

Final Tally:

+5 Stupidity
+3 Bitch
+2 Eye Sex
+2 Thesaurus Rape

And for our special count:

28 Edward Penises (dashes)

A surprisingly low tally this chapter, but with absolutely nothing happening and the day repeating itself, there wasn't much to work with.