Twilight - Chapter Six

The part with the werewolves

For this chapter Meyer decided to open by having her self-insert read Macbeth in an attempt to make her seem less like the idiot she'd been acting like for the entire book so far. Much like everything else in this book, it is a shallow attempt that fails miserably. Having a character occasionally read a book doesn't make her smart. If Bella talked about the things she's read or otherwise showed some sign of comprehending what she's reading, then I'd give her points for it.

Bella isn't really paying attention, being more interested in listening for her truck. It turns out that the Meyerpires are so super special awesome that even though the loudness of Bella's truck has been made an issue of in the past, because Alice is driving it this time it is delivered to Bella's driveway with nary a sound, even though Bella was specifically listening out for it.

Meyerpires: even machines are awed into silence by their beauty. (+1 Stupidity)

Because Bella is Bella, it should come as no surprise that she is full of complaints.

I wasn't looking forward to Friday, and it more than lived up to my non-expectations.

I wonder if Bella ever heard of the phrase "self-fulfilling prophecy." Basically if you constantly go "today will suck, today will suck," more than likely your day is going to suck. Nothing bad even has to happen to cause this, because you've already put yourself in the unhealthy mindset to expect to be miserable. Remember those words, because I'm going to be bringing this up at least once more later in this chapter.

This time Bella is upset because some of her friends asked her about her fainting in class. Here Meyer is trying very hard to make Bella's friends out to be gossipy bitches, but once again she fails because she has, in the space of less than a chapter, forgotten her own established cannon. Either that or Bella truly is an idiot, i.e., when Edward spends the latter part of the last chapter making fun of Bella mercilessly for fainting (culminating in dragging her across a parking lot!) it's okay because oooh he's so handsome and pale and he likes classical music! But when her friends talk about it, suddenly it's a mortal sin. (+1 Bitch)

Jessica asks Bella about her conversation with Edward last chapter. Here Meyer attempts to paint Jessica as a nosy bitch, most apparent in her use of the words "she fished" after Jessica asks Bella a question, and having Bella speculate that Jessica must have been disappointed at not getting a good story to pass on. It might have worked except that, in this case, Jessica's curiosity is perfectly reasonable. I wonder if Meyer ever puts herself in the shoes of her characters who aren't named Bella or Edward, or if she simply has a very feeble understanding of human nature.

Imagine Jessica's position: a boy who is a notorious loner, sticking only with his family, suddenly expresses an intense interest in a girl she's recently befriended. That boy is later involved in an incident in which that friend's life was saved from an out of control van, and after that the boy begins actively shunning and ignoring the friend he'd saved. Then, out of the blue, he suddenly wants to talk to her again and they have a heated discussion in the cafeteria where her friend looks so upset about what the guy is saying to her that Jessica's other friends debate whether or not they should intervene.

And when she naturally becomes curious about what is causing all of this, it can only mean that she's just fishing for gossip?

I've said in my summary of chapter two that there is a disconnect between the story and the storyteller, because Meyer tells a lot but shows very little. This is yet another example of this. You can tell that Bella/Meyer doesn't think much of Jessica, and we're supposed to believe that she's this vapid, gossipy Barbie doll. I would buy this if Jessica actually behaved in such a way. So far I've seen zero evidence in the story that Jessica is anything like how Meyer exposits her. If she were shallow, she never would have welcomed Bella with open arms on her very first day of school, nor would she go out of her way to be nice and try to make her a part of her circle of friends.

Could it possibly be that perhaps Jessica is just a teeny bit concerned that a creepy loner boy had, just the previous day, said something to Bella that had obviously upset her? Of course not, because that would require one of Meyer's characters to have some actual depth and motivation. This bitch point is as much for Meyer as it is for Bella. (+1 Bitch)

Bella now goes into emo princess mode when they reach the cafeteria.

The worst part about Friday was that, even though I knew he wasn't going to be there, I still hoped.

I just love the way he drags me by my jacket, makes fun of me, refuses to tell me the truth, willfully acts against my wishes, and carries me around like a child.

This really is the worst kind of romance book. There is no reason given for why Bella is in love with Edward. I don't count the hand-waved "because he's pretty" reasoning the book gives, and playing the "love at first sight" card is not enough. Even within the context of love at first sight, there still needs to be some kind of follow-up, some reason why they're so good for each other. Without that it becomes a romance version of a wizard did it.

Bella doesn't see Edward at his table, and this makes her a saaad panda.

I couldn't stop the gloom that engulfed me as I realized I didn't know how long I would have to wait before I saw him again.

Damn this girl is clingy! (+1 Wangst)

Also, Meyer once again fails at continuity. Has she forgotten that Edward offered to drive Bella to Seattle? So yeah, Bella knows EXACTLY how long she may have to wait to see Edward again, since they already have a date scheduled!

Mike and company are talking about the trip to La Push tomorrow, not that Bella cares. She comments about the weather, namely how she has no faith in the weather report that promised sunshine the next day. I'm beginning to wonder if it really does rain as much in Forks as it does in this book.

Lauren, who I can only recall being mentioned once earlier in this book, is giving Bella some nasty looks. Bella overhears Lauren complaining about her, wondering why Bella doesn't just sit with the Cullens from now on. Frankly, I wonder the same thing myself.

I'd never noticed what an unpleasant, nasal voice she had, and I was surprised by the malice in it. I really didn't know her well at all, certainly not well enough for her to dislike me--or so I'd thought.


That is EXACTLY the problem, Bella, you DON'T know her all that well, despite having shared a table with her for weeks! Meyer is really trying to make it seem like her friends are turning on poor innocent Bella, but at this point I think Lauren's anger is completely justified and her comment is not unfounded. Bella had been ignoring and ditching these people at every possible opportunity. Just the last day she'd completely ditched them all for Edward, and when Edward commented that he might be stealing her from them, her exact words were "they'll survive." This is the girl who is about to FLEE THE WHOLE TOWN just to avoid them.

This is the epitome of a self-fulfilling prophesy. Bella had previously accused them (namely Jessica) of being gossipy backstabbers, and now that Bella had ignored and mistreated her friends she can now say "I was right!" when one of them has finally had enough of Bella's attitude and expresses her feelings about it. Bella is completely in the wrong here. She has abused the friendship that Jessica extended to her so openly, and has no right to complain that not all of Jessica's friends like being ignored.

"She's my friend; she sits with us," Mike whispered back loyally, but also a bit territorially.

Whoa, hold on a second. Bella can note the slightest hint of a territorial attitude from one sentence Mike speaks, and yet she sees nothing wrong with being picked up and carried to the nurse's office by Edward, and then later being dragged across a parking lot and THREATENED until she got in his Volvo? You just got to love how Meyer constantly tries to paint Mike as possessive and territorial when it comes to Bella, completely ignoring how Edward does FAR worse than just carry her books and invite her to beach trips. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella had dinner with her fath--I mean Charlie, that night and makes this commentary about him.

That night at dinner, Charlie seemed enthusiastic about my trip to La Push in the morning. I think he felt guilty for leaving me home alone on the weekends, but he'd spent too many years building his habits to break them now.

Habits such as going to work so he can earn money to pay the mortgage, the utility bills, put food in the fridge, and buy Bella a truck? Those are some pretty nasty habits, I must say. Or maybe, just maybe, he might be actually happy that his daughter is making friends and spending time with them? Maybe he's just glad to see her fitting in and being invited to outings with her school mates? Honestly, must Bella try to find ulterior motives to every little thing everybody else does? Heaven forbid she may actually have to admit that some people might actually CARE about her. (+1 Bitch)

Bella wonders if her father would approve of her going to Seattle with Edward Cullen. "Not that I was going to tell him," she notes. First off, where did that even come from? Secondly, what does that have to do with anything? Lastly, this is yet another example of how little faith Bella has in her father. What, did she think he'd disapprove? Has Meyer actually forgot her own canon YET AGAIN?

In chapter two Charlie gave a big, impassioned speech to Bella about how wonderful the Cullens are, how they're lucky to have Carlisle as a doctor, how the Cullen clan has never caused any trouble, and how much it infuriates him that some people say negative things about them. After all of that, what on God's green Earth would give Bella the impression that Charlie might not approve of Edward? It's amazing how often Meyer completely forgets what happened in the book previously. We're only on chapter six and her story structure is already a clusterfuck.

The writing in this book is just incredibly sloppy. Does Meyer even pay attention to what she's writing? Does she proof read at all, or simply send off the first draft and completely forego the editing process? Seriously, I've critiqued writer's workshop material that was more coherent than this. I'm beginning to strongly suspect that the fact that Meyer got this mess published is proof positive that there is no God.

Bella asks Charlie about the place Edward and Emmett are going to make sweet monkey love--I mean, go on a camping trip. Charlie says that people don't camp there because there are too many bears. No, not those kind of bears, you big sillies. Actual bears!

Bella wakes up the next day and the makes a huge fuss over the sun being out. Again I wonder if it actually does rain as much in Forks as it does in the book, or if this all just convenient to the non-existent plot. Bella arrives at the parking lot where the rest of the gang are meeting. Everyone's there, including Lauren and an unnamed girl whom Bella apparently had tripped over off-screen in gym class. Twilight: Bringing you off-screen tripping in place of actual story.

Lauren and the nameless girl Meyer pulled out of the air are unhappy to see Bella. Mike and Jessica, of course, are delighted by her presence. Mike asks if Bella invited anyone, meaning Edward, of course.

"Nope," I lied lightly, hoping I wouldn't get caught in the lie. But also wishing that a miracle would occur, and Edward would appear

Lied lightly? Not only is "lightly" an unnecessary modifier, the two words are also quite a decent tongue twister. I dare you to say "lied lightly" ten times fast. Also, Meyer really needs to learn the proper usage of the word "miracle." She applied that word to Edward showing up in the cafeteria, and now she uses it to describe him coming along on the beach trip. I'm tempted to stop reading this book before Edward starts spitting flowers and farting rainbows.

As if things weren't boring enough, now we have to watch Mike work out the seating arrangement with Bella. Is this really necessary? Mike wants Bella to ride shotgun, which makes Bella go "I hid my chagrin." Ugh! That is just a terrible sentence. After they finally work out who sits next to whom, they get on their way.

Good Lord, no wonder this book is so long. It's not because there is that much story to tell, it's because Meyer is chocking this book with mundane details and useless padding. Do we really need every minute thing that happens described to us? There is such a thing as flashing forward, Meyer! Spare us the useless details, describe what is necessary, and GET TO THE BLOODY POINT!

It was only fifteen miles to La Push from Forks, with gorgeous, dense green forests edging the road most of the way and the wide Quillayute River snaking beneath it twice. I was glad I had this window seat.

Wait a second. Back in chapter one, Bella COMPLAINED about the plant life, how everything was too green, and how it felt like "an alien planet." She even complained about the potted plants in the administrative office. Now suddenly she's into nature? Continuity? What's that? (+1 Stupidity)

Meyer goes on to describe the landscape, going into remarkable detail for a place she's never been to at the time she was writing this. She really piles it on high here, talking about "austere, soaring firs" and "millions of large, smooth stones." Millions? Do I even need to point out what's wrong with that? She talks about the color of the stones: "terra-cotta, sea green, lavender, blue, gray, dull gold." Her prose gets more purple as she progresses. At this point I wouldn't be surprised if she went on to describe the lonely dance of the pearl-gray shark. (+1 Purple Prose)

They finally reach the camp site and set up a driftwood fire. Mike takes this opportunity to try to impress Bella by showing her a driftwood fire. The girls, meanwhile, are "gossiping excitedly," because, as we all know, that's the ONLY thing that girls do when they talk to each other, right? Anyway, Mike lights the fire and Bella looks at the pretty color.

"It's blue," I said in surprise.
"The salt does it. Pretty, isn't it?"

Um ... no, that is not pretty, because that doesn't happen! Sodium chloride (table salt, sea salt) does not turn fire blue. It turns fire yellow. Google image driftwood fires and see how much blue you see. Meyer fails at research. She tries to put in little facts to lend her work realism, but she consistently gets her facts wrong. Don't even get me started on her take on the biology of vampires! I'd be here all night going into everything that's wrong with her explanations of how vampires function. Meyer seriously needs to stay far, far away from science. She fails at it epically.

Some of the boys want to hike out to some nearby tidal pools and Bella debates whether or not she should go. She makes up her mind when it turns out that the majority of her friends opted to stay, most notably Lauren, whom Bella dislikes so much that she makes a comment about her shoes (meow!). Since hiking allows her to avoid the maximum number of people, she decides to go.

Gather around, children, for we will now play a game I like to call "what would a competent writer do?" In this game we will take what Meyer has done so far and pretend that the scene was written by a writer with some actual sense. By exploring how one of Meyer's scenes can be effectively used we will highlight just how poorly written the actual scene is. Ready? Begin!

In this scene Meyer has Bella leave the bulk of her camping group to hike to the tidal pools. How can this scene be effectively used? Since Bella, Mike, and Jessica are now separated from everyone else a number of things can happen. Maybe Mike will take this opportunity to express his feelings to Bella, who will turn him down directly and therefore introduce some much needed tension into the story. Perhaps Jessica will become fed up with the attention Mike is lavishing on Bella and call him out on it. Again, some good tension.

Bella had just been describing how clumsy she is, so perhaps she will have an accident. This would not only demonstrate that she can trip when it isn't convenient that she does so Edward can rescue her, but can also lead to some character development. Perhaps either Mike or Jessica, after helping Bella, would be moved to share something about themselves to make Bella feel better, "You know, I have a sister that falls down like you do." Not only would this demonstrate compassion on the part of the supporting characters, but also give them some back story, personality, and actual depth.

Now that we've explored some possibilities, let's look at how the actual scene plays out as Meyer has written it.

... Absolutely nothing happens.

Nothing, nadda, zippo. All we get is some more purple prose describing the scenery.

The green light of the forest was strangely at odds with the adolescent laughter, too murky and ominous to be in harmony with the light banter around me.

Sentences like these make me wonder if Meyer has ever been in any actual woodlands. Light does not turn green when it shines through trees; certainly not enough to be considered "murky" and "ominous." She did this in chapter one as well, saying "even the air filtered down greenly through the leaves." That doesn't make sense. How does air filter greenly? She must have meant to say light, which is still stupid.

The bouquets of brilliant anemones undulated ceaselessly in the invisible current ...

Read that sentence out loud. Go on, I dare you. Quote that line to someone else and see if you can do it without smirking. Seriously, this is the kind of crap you usually find in vanity published books and amateur works. (+1 Purple Prose)

I was completely absorbed, except for one small part of my mind that wondered what Edward was doing now, and trying to imagine what he would be saying if he were here with me.

Judging from what we know of Edward from previous chapters, I'd say he's probably getting all hot and bothered watching surveillance footage from Carlisle's hospital. I can just imagine him going "yeah baby, you know what I like. Sneeze for me, yeah, sneeze for me baby. Oh, cough some more!"

Oh that's right, he's camping out with Emmett right now ... alone ... in the woods ...

I imagine it would look something like this.

The boys decide to head back, and Bella narrates herself falling a few times. I suppose it's better than off-screen falling, so I'll actually give Meyer some credit here. Meyer can earn bonus points if she were to have Bella be clumsy when it is inconvenient, in a way that causes some sort of problem for her. No, the unnamed girl doesn't count because that happened off-screen. So far Bella's clumsiness is coming off as a "flaw" that is not really a flaw, but a mix of convenient plot device and mild quirk that makes this special snowflake even more special.

And with that, the scene shifts back to the main camp site, and our game of "what would a competent writer do" ends. So how did Meyer utilize this scene? The correct answer: she didn't. Bella just trotted off, looked at some "brilliant anemones undulating ceaselessly," daydreamed about Edward, and went back. Nothing noteworthy happened, and that whole scene was nothing but time wasted. This is the kind of scene that a competent writer would have either cut out or rewrote to make it more useful.

Some Native American kids from a nearby reservation are there when she gets back. I suppose the point of the hike was just so that they could be there, but you don't need Bella to leave the camp for them to arrive. Simply having them approach the group while Bella was there would have worked just as well, and spared us some tedious purple prose. One of the newcomers looks at Bella with inexplicable interest, so you just KNOW this one has to be a significant character, at least one that gets a name. They introduce themselves, but Bella can only pay attention long enough to learn that one of the girls is also named Jessica, and the boy that was looking at her is named Jacob.

Bella wonders some nonsense about how time flows differently in Forks, which is just her roundabout way of saying that the time she spends with Edward is "special." Again, where did this even come from? She shows absolutely no interest in the people who came to visit and instead sits around daydreaming about Edward again. At least she had the good sense to mention it as "disturbing," which is the only thing preventing me from handing out another stupidity point.

During lunch the clouds started to advance, slinking across the blue sky, darting in front of the sun momentarily ...

Slink I can almost buy, since the word denotes slow movement, but clouds DO NOT dart! Picture the clouds moving in a slow, sinuous, provocative manner (slinking) and then suddenly rushing forward to cover the sun with a sudden burst of speed (darting). Clouds don't do that! So not only has Meyer apparently never stood under a tree, she's also never looked up at the sky. (+1 Stupidity)

What is it with all of these leftfield descriptions anyway? I mean, weren't we just talking about the Native American boys who showed up at the camp? Why are we talking about clouds and ruminating about Edward? I, the reader, am not interested in clouds. I'm much more interested in finding out who these visitors are and what their deal is! Get to the bloody point, Meyer!

Apparently Meyer is not very interested in talking about the new visitors, so she meanders even more. This time Bella sits around as some people go to the store and others go on a second hiking trip. Lauren and Tyler are sharing a CD player, proving that they either can't afford an MP3 player, or Meyer doesn't know what one is. Considering that this is the same story in which Bella can check her e-mail on the computer but somehow can't order books with it, I'm inclined to believe the latter.

So Jacob FINALLY walks over to Bella. Since Edward is not around and she is just dying to do some eye-humping, she decides that Jacob would make a decent substitute.

His skin was beautiful, silky and russet-colored ...

Russet? RUSSET?

So THAT's where Lady Sybilla got the title of her plagiaristic book from! I was wondering about that one.

However, my positive opinion of his looks was damaged by the first words out of his mouth.

Wow. Whatever he said, it must have been incredibly rude to have so offended her. Wait, what am I saying? This is BELLA we're talking about. I wouldn't be surprised if she snapped at him for saying "hello."

"You're Isabella Swan, aren't you?"

That's it? That's the sentence that has Bella's knickers in a twist? Good Lord, this girl is a bitch. I mean, she couldn't even be bothered to take a few minutes of her time to introduce herself like a civilized human being when the group first arrived, and she now has the nerve to criticize Jacob for wanting to confirm her name? This is something that could have been easily averted if she'd been polite earlier and said "hello, my name is Bella," and maybe thrown in a handshake for good measure. Would that have been so hard? (+1 Bitch)

So Jacob introduces himself and mentions that Bella's dad bought his dad's truck. Bella is relieved to hear this and shakes his "sleek hand."

So ... many ... unnecessary ... adjectives!

I took a gay stroll down the cracked cement streets looking with dubious eyes at the austere road, watching metallic cars speed by with ominous thunder. I met an aged gent outside the local glossy pub with its glossy windows and walked through the glossy door to partake in a distilled beverage of questionably bitter flavor ... in a glass that was glossy.

Sorry, just working the adjectives out of my system.

Bella admits that she doesn't remember him, and Jacob mentions that she'd probably remember his sisters better. And then we get this.

"Rachel and Rebecca," I suddenly recalled. Charlie and Billy had thrown us together a lot during my visits, to keep us busy while they fished. We were all too shy to make much progress as friends. Of course, I'd kicked up enough tantrums to end the fishing trips by the time I was eleven.

Another glimpse of our protagonist's bratty personality. So she threw tantrums as a kid about going fishing with her dad. Charlie was, in turn, nice enough to listen and give up fishing with her because Bella didn't like it. Three years afterward she would throw ANOTHER tantrum about visiting her dad at all, which would then cause Charlie to rearrange his schedule so that he could visit Bella on her own terms.

While throwing tantrums when you're 10 or 11 is not unusual, it would have shown some character on Bella's part if she'd noted, in hindsight, that that probably wasn't very good behavior. Nope. Instead she prefaces that statement with "of course," as in of course throwing a hissy fit and forcing her dad to cancel family outings such as fishing is the right thing to do. Charlie puts up with her tantrums, makes concession after concession to her demands, and then Bella tries to paint him as a bad father? Wow! (+1 Bitch)

Bella's relationship with her father is starting to remind me of a certain someone.

Bella asks about Jacob's sisters, and Jacob says that one is studying at Washington State and the other is married to a surfer. Bella is surprised that one of them got married, since they're only a little more than a year older than she is. They then talk about the truck.

"Yeah, but it's really slow," he laughed. "I was so relived when Charlie bought it ... .

Relived, huh? So Jacob relived a lot of moments when Charlie bought the truck. This is why Meyer really should edit her own work. Writer's rule of thumb: do NOT trust spell-check or you end up with mistakes like this. Sometimes a misspelled word won't be detected because it is actually a proper word. It is necessary to go over your work with your own eyes so you can catch things like this.

They talk more about the truck, and I'm actually a bit surprised at how this is turning out. Jacob is actually coming off as a likeable character. His dialogue feels natural, Meyer has so far managed to bring out his personality without describing it with unnecessary adjectives or flowery prose. I'd even point this out as an example of how to properly write a character. Meyer would get brownie points for this if I wasn't convinced that this is a fluke.

After this admirable display of good character development, we immediately get an example of how NOT to flesh out a character.

"You know Bella, Jacob?" Lauren asked--in what I imagined was an insolent tone--from across the fire.

Notice how Meyer feels the need to point out and expand upon Lauren's tone; basically explaining Lauren's intentions rather than having it be apparent from her actions.

"We've sort of known each other since I was born," he laughed, smiling at me again.

Note how Jacob's reaction is, comparatively, rather understated. It isn't flat-out explained to us what he's feeling, but you can tell from his choice of words, his laugh, and his smile that he thinks fondly of Bella.

"How nice." She didn't sound like she thought it was nice at all, and her pale, fishy eyes narrowed.

Again Lauren's every intention is explained to us, making her a flat, 2-dimensional character. Also note how Meyer decides to throw in some not so subtle adjectives that all but declare that she expects us to not like this character, stopping just short of having Lauren wear a top-hat and twirl her curly moustache as she ties Bella to a railroad track going "nyeh heh heh!"

In essence we're being told what to think of Lauren, rather than observing her personality and behavior and making our own judgments. Lauren is just a puppet, dancing to the pull of strings with a bright red audience cue telling us when to laugh or jeer. This is NOT how you write a compelling character.

Because the plot says so, Lauren brings up the Cullens, her every action peppered with descriptions to beat the reader over the head with how bitchy Meyer wants us to think she is until we finally believe her. Things such as "unconvincing concern" and looking at one of the Native American boys "condescendingly." Never mind that Lauren is only upset with Bella because Bella herself has been a gargantuan bitch to her and all of her friends since day one.

It's interesting when you think about how when Meyer tries to paint a character as a bitch she fails because she tried too hard to "cue the audience." Meanwhile Bella, a character Meyer really wants you to love, comes off as a stuck-up bitch because despite all of the audience cuing Meyer has done on her behalf, she ACTS like a stuck-up bitch towards the people who care about her and try to be her friend.

The older boy says that the Cullens "don't come here," which sparks Bella's curiosity.

He'd said that the Cullens didn't come here, but his tone had implied something more--that they weren't allowed; they were prohibited. His manner left a strange impression on me, and I tried to ignore it without success.

And with that statement, Meyer now becomes an official member of the Department of Redundancy Department. If they're not allowed, that also means they're prohibited. It is redundant to say both of those things at the same time.

Jacob interrupted my meditation.

Meditation? How was she meditating? Yeah, she'd done some thinking about it but she herself said that she was attempting to ignore it. That is not in any way meditation, contemplation, or any manner of deep thought. Thesaurus, if you need an attorney to help you file a rape charge against Meyer, I know a few good names. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Meyer chooses this opportunity to slip in yet another insult against Forks, followed by Bella coming up with a way to get more information about the Cullens' disallowance/prohibition against going to La Push. Given the circumstances you may think she'd try simply asking Jacob what that's all about, but that would be using logic. Instead she decides to flirt with him and string him along like a plaything.

I am not kidding.

Instead of simply asking she is going to use feminine wiles to seduce an answer out of Jacob.

This is in no way sexist.

I hoped that young Jacob was as yet inexperienced around girls, so that he wouldn't see through my sure-to-be-pitiful attempts at flirting.

Why, oh why, didn't I think to add a "sexism" counter to this blog? (+1 Stupidity)

"Do you want to walk down the beach with me?" I asked, trying to imitate that way Edward had of looking up from underneath his eyelashes. It couldn't have nearly the same effect, I was sure, but Jacob jumped up willingly enough.

And Bella thinks that JESSICA is a manipulative user? (+1 Bitch)

Through the power of eye rape, the two head off to be alone together. Bella asks Jacob how old he is, fluttering her eyelids like the girls she'd seen on TV. Remember kids, toying with other people's feelings by leading them to believe that you're interested in them is perfectly alright. Am I the only one disturbed that Bella didn't even consider just asking Jacob and went straight to flirting? If she'd at least said something like "I thought about asking, but he probably would just say no" it would make this a tiny bit more realistic. It would still be inexcusable behavior, but it would be at least somewhat understandable.

Really, I am truly disgusted to be reading this. It's not even good flirting, because Meyer constantly explains everything that Bella is doing.

"Who was that other boy Lauren was talking to? He seemed a little old to be hanging out with us." I purposefully lumped myself in with the youngsters, trying to make it clear that I preferred Jacob.

See what I mean? Flirting is supposed to be subtle (or brazen, if the object of the flirtation prefers it that way). Explaining everything Bella is doing takes what could have been an interesting exchange and makes it as dull as reading a spreadsheet. It's like a boxer telegraphing his punches by saying "now I'm going to do a right hook so don't block that, okay?"

After a little more of this moronic conversation, Bella gets around to asking Jacob about the Cullens. He is hesitant at first, but more flirting from Bella makes him crack like a peanut shell. He asks if Bella likes scary stories, and Bella continues the degredation of her gender by feigning intense interest.

Here Jacob all but goes "hi, I'm Jacob, and I'll be your offensive stereotype for the evening." He spouts some mythology about how his people tied their canoes to trees to survive Noah's flood, and how they're descended from wolves. The Quileutes, it should be mentioned, are a REAL tribe that was chosen for this story simply because they lived near Forks. Meyer is, in essence, making up a mythology for REAL people. Meyer fails at research forever! (+1 Stupidity)

Jacob now flat-out tells Bella that his tribe are werewolves. He also says that the Cullen family members, who he describes as "the cold ones," are the same people that his great-grandfather made a truce with. The terms of that truce is that the Cullens stay away from the Quileutes, and they don't expose to the world that the Cullens sparkle in sunlight. At this point Jacob flat-out tells Bella that the Cullens are vampires. He also tells Bella not to tell Charlie.

Because, you know, THAT is how you reveal a shocking truth. You just out and tell it to the audience. Think of how much more dramatic Star Wars would have been if Obi Wan had told Luke that Darth Vader is his father in the first movie. Oh, the suspense that could have been had!

Mike and Jessica arrive, and Mike jealously calls out to her. This prompts Jacob to ask his he's her boyfriend. Bella continues to flirt with Jacob, winking and saying definitely not. At least the bitch has the decency to feel guilt for using him after she was done. Mike says they're packing up because it is, of course, going to rain soon. Twilight: where the sun only shines when it is a convenient plot device.

We all looked up at the glowering sky.


So now the sky is glowering. What's next? Will it suddenly be that the sea is smirking, the dirt is grimacing, and the trees are laughing? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

They all pack up and rush to the car, and on that note this chapter comes to an end.

So what have we learned? Jacob is a werewolf, the Cullens are vampires, Meyer wants you to think that Lauren is a bitch, except she's not really, and Bella is a manipulative hussy. We also learn that Meyer, as Stephen King once said, really can't write worth a damn. Also, the sky can glower. To sum it all up: Meyer is on drugs.

I need a drink.

Final Tally:

+6 Bitch
+6 Stupidity
+2 Purple Prose
+2 Thesaurus Rape
+1 Wangst


Lilly said...

Yay, a new post! I've been visiting this blog every few days to see whether or not there was anything new. As usual, I loved your insight.

Kat said...

I've got this site marked in my favorites. Been trying for weeks to read the actual Twilight book, and I keep giving it up! The only way I can get through any of it is if I read your analysis after every chapter. I hope you get to the next chapter soon!

M.C. said...
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TheUnbeholden said...

Funny thing is I didn't really like Jacob, cause he seemed like such a smile to much muscle head, but the geniuenly nice kind (which is quite rare). Edward is the Gentlemen, (and the vampire) so of course most people will prefer Edward, but its nice to see a Jacob fan. And your opinion of Edward I might add is very entertaining, though I think you nit pick a bit much, but that adds to the comedy value I think.

Anonymous said...

Wow! I could read your analysis over and over again, unlike that idiotic crap called Twilight.
And why for God's sake is she saying that the varcolaci can appear as a beautiful, pale-skinned human? I'm Romanian, and I can tell you that every Romanian human being with a minimum of general knowledge can tell you that varcolaci are werewolfes! They have nothing whatsoever to do with humans. On the contrary, they are considered to be quite primitive and animalic.
Must have skipped that part. Actually, I wish I would have skipped the whole book...

Anonymous said...

I know this is like forever after you wrote your blog, but did you know that Meyer is a Mormon? Maybe that has something to do with the anti-feminism?

Mad said...

Just a little note about the kids freaking out over sunshine: I live in Arizona (the hot part) and it probably rains as much (or around the same amount) here as it's sunny there. Whenever it rains, people go crazy with excitement. However, it's usually the people who have spent most of their lives here. People from back east, or northern Europe hate the rain here.

Other than that, I am really enjoying your posts. :3

Celticwolf said...

Love your posts dude...hate Twilight and as I have pointed out is it a lush green forest in chap 1, then it snows for a few chapters and then there is lush green forests again? Someone please explain this to me and am I the only one who has noticed?

Anonymous said...

Meyer was smoking some serious weed when she wrote this. She has been smoking serious weed since she was 12 :P

Anonymous said...
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Christina Annabel said...

I really enjoy your insight into Twilight. I've never read the books and hate them with a passion. Reading your blog is much easier (and funnier) than actually suffering through the shoddy writing that is Twilight.
I just want to point out one thing: You said Bella seemed to like the 'lush greenery' in this chapter but she was complaining beforehand. Maybe this is Meyer's way of demonstrating growth? Because Bella is a teenager and teens are always complaining. Their opinions on things seem to move from one extreme to the other. Because Bella likes the green scene in this chapter but apparently she also seems to dislike. I'm not sure I'll give Meyer's the benefit of the doubt though. It probably wasn't intentional on her part.
Great blog though! Keep it up! =)

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