Twilight - Chapter Five

Get in the Volvo NOW!

This chapter opens immediately where the last one left off. I only hope this means that the last chapter had been so long that it had to be split. I swear if this chapter is as plodding and pointless as the last one I'm going to go on a murderous rampage.

Bella walks to her next class in a daze, overwhelmed by the massively epic plot twist of ... Edward asking Bella to ride in his Volvo. I think Meyer misunderstands the concept of rising and falling action. You're supposed to have the action in a book gradually rise, peak, and then gradually fall. Meyer had the action so far gradually rise, peak at the van accident, and then plummet. I'M BORED OUT OF MY GORAM MIND OVER HERE! The fact that asking Bella to ride in his car was the high point of the entire last chapter still boggles my mind.

Bella gets to class late and notices that Mike wasn't in his usual place next to her. She feels guilty for this, as she should, but I still find it a bit presumptuous of her to think that Mike's different seating today has to do with her. She was late, after all, so she hadn't been there to sit next to in the first place. Also, perhaps Mike has one or two other things in his life than Bella Swan. Mike talks to Bella about the weather, and you can just tell how full of herself Bella is as she pretends to listen to ease Mike's shattered soul after the crushing disappointment of being turned down by the magnificence that is Bella. Still, she comments that it was hard to do so.

Get over yourself. (+1 Bitch)

The rest of the morning was a blur for Bella, who lets us know that she still couldn't comprehend what had just happened between her and Edward.

Maybe it was just a very convincing dream that I'd confused with reality. That seemed more probable than that I really appealed to him on any level.

All he did was ask her to ride in his Volvo! To listen to her you'd think he just proposed marriage or something. Is Bella really so needy that she has to make such a big deal over something so small?

Jessica and her enter the cafeteria and Bella is eager for another shot at eye sex with Edward. She wonders if he's gone back to being an asshat who ignores her, or if he "by some miracle" had actually meant what he'd said earlier. Miracle? IT'S ONLY A CAR RIDE! Turning water into wine is a miracle. Riding in some emo boy's Volvo is not.

Bella barely pays attention to Jessica, describing her talk about the upcoming dance as "babble." Wait ... after spending the bulk of the last chapter talking about the dance, making plans for the dance, finding a way to avoid the dance, we are to understand that it is a completely inconsequential event? Then WHY did it get so many pages and pages of attention last chapter? Was all of that for nothing? Oh, wait, I forgot that it was all to set up Edward to offer Bella a ride in the sparkle-mobile. Something that could have been done a LOT more quickly and directly if this whole dance nonsense had been cut short or cut out entirely. (+1 Stupidity)

So Bella looks around the cafeteria and notices that Edward isn't in his usual place. Bella's reaction is kind of like if she'd just discovered that bother her parents were dead, her house burned down, she had no money, and developed breast cancer.

Disappointment flooded through me as my eyes unerringly focused on his table. The other four were there, but he was absent. Had he gone home? I followed the still-babbling Jessica through the line, crushed. I'd lost my appetite--I bought nothing but a bottle of lemonade. I just wanted to go sit down and sulk.

If you listen closely you can almost hear the emo music playing in the background. (+1 Wangst).

Dear God, this girl is a clingy! And don't say "she's just a teenager," that is bullshit. Teenaged girls have more self-respect than that. She's only even really spoken to him like, what, twice now? The rest of the time Edward has been a gargantuan douchebag to her. You know who Bella is? Bella is every damsel in distress on every Lifetime special about spousal abuse.

So far the only explanation given as to why Bella is so needy when it comes to Edward is ... he's handsome and ... he's handsome, and also ... he's handsome. Damn this book is shallow! I know this book is about Bella and Edward, but in any romance book there should be some sensible reason why the two characters fall for each other. So far there is no love in this "romance" book, just mindless lust.

I also really don't care for how Bella demeans Jessica here, calling her talk "babble." That speaks of how utterly self-absorbed Bella is. Even if Bella doesn't particularly care about the dance, it obviously means something to Jessica. Paying some interest in what's important to your friends is one of the most basic foundations of friendship. That Bella is so wrapped up in "me me ME!" that she can't seem to grasp that only shows what a horrible bitch she is. (+1 Bitch)

It turns out that Bella's latest trip on the WAHmbulance is for nothing, for in a plot twist so EPIC that it will knock your socks off and swallow your very soul ... Edward just happens to be in a different seat this time (dun dun DUNNN!).

Wait ... what? Is this for real? Is this what passes for story in this book? What, will the next development revolve around Edward wearing a different cologne?

Jessica tells Bella that Edward is staring at her, and faster than you can say "here boy, daddy's got some nice kibble for you," Bella snaps her head up so fast it's surprising that she didn't get whiplash. With a motion of his finger and a come-hither look, Edward signals for Bella to join him at his empty table.

"Does he mean you?" Jessica asked with insulting astonishment in her voice.

Insulting astonishment? Wasn't Bella the one who was just saying how it was most likely that she was dreaming than that Edward could ever possibly be interested in her? You'd think she'd be just as surprised as Jessica, given that. Does Meyer have a selective memory or something?

So she sits down with Edward and immediately eye-humps him some more.

It was hard to believe that someone so beautiful could be real. I was afraid that he might disappear in a sudden puff of smoke, and I would wake up.

And when she woke up the sheets would be mysteriously wet. (+1 Eye Sex)

So this is true love, huh? No getting to know the person, no spending any length of time with him, no slowly building up a relationship over a period of time. Just, "you're so HOT! I'm instantly in love now." Excuse me as I go to my phone and call women everywhere to apologize on behalf of Meyer for setting feminism back a few decades.

Bella tries to break the ice, and that goes about as well as you'd expect from two people who know jack squat about each other. Can't you just feel the twu wuv, folks? It's Edward's turn to talk, and he goes on like this.

"I decided as long as I am going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly."

By "go to hell" Edward means the possibility of losing control of his vampire urges, murdering Bella, and sucking her blood. In that case it would be Bella going to hell, not Sparklepants. Edward clearly knows this but decided: "Hey, why fight it? If I'm going to go berserk and kill this girl I may as well do it thoroughly." In other words, he decided he no longer cares about Bella's safety and only cares about what HE wants. What ... an ... asshole! (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

Since Bella doesn't know he's a vampire yet, she doesn't know what this means. Edward changes the subject and points out that her friends are probably a bit miffed at him stealing Bella away from them. Bella's response is to say "they'll survive," again showing a total disregard for her friends.

Oh, and in case any of you fans out there thought I was being a bit rough on Edward or making too much out of his statement about going to hell, Edward takes this opportunity to further expound upon his decision to keep seeing Bella. She asks why Edward is suddenly hitting on her and he explains thusly.

"I told you--I got tired of trying to stay away from you. So I'm giving up." He was still smiling, but her ocher eyes were serious.
"Giving up?" I repeated in confusion.
"Yes--giving up trying to be good. I'm just going to do what I want now, and let the chips fall where they may." His smile faded as he explained, and a hard edge crept into his voice.

There it is right there! Straight from the horse's mouth. Edward just specifically told us "oh, I got tired of resisting the urge to be with you, and even though that will likely mean your gruesome death, I'm just going to do whatever the hell I want now." Is this the behavior of a person in love? No! This is the behavior of a dog in heat. This is lust. If real love had been any part of this equation, Edward wouldn't have made such a selfish and potentially disastrous (for Bella) decision.

We now interrupt this summary to bring you this important public service announcement!

Bella asks if this means that they're friends now. Edward says that he's not a good friend for Bella and that she should stay away from him.

... What the fuck?

He keeps saying "stay away, stay away" while he himself does the exact opposite. Even though he means that as a warning how can Bella take that warning if he is constantly clinging to her? He's really not giving Bella a choice here. He is just, as he said himself, doing whatever the hell he wants and damn the consequences. Edward, the if you're going to tell someone to stay away from you, then you should take your own advice. (+1 Stupidity)

You can tell that Meyer is having Edward say these things in an effort to make him come off as a brooding, mysterious bad boy, thus increasing his appeal to the readers. Really, this just makes him look like a selfish prick who can't make up his mind.

Even Bella points out that he says that a lot. Edward's reply?

"Yes, because you're not listening to me. I'm still waiting for you to believe it. If you're smart, you'll avoid me."

But ... YOU were the one who invited HER to sit with you! It was YOU who invited her to ride in your Volvo. YOU'RE the one who's effectively stalking her. Do I even need to point out the whole "watching her while she sleeps" thing? Bella has actually done a fairly decent job of not interacting with you when you were ignoring her. If you'd just kept doing that there'd be no need for this discussion. She HAS been listening, you glittering dildo. Edward Cullen, it is YOU who is violating your own warning!

I normally don't like handing out two of the same points for the same violation, but this statement on top of the last just reeks of stupid. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella finds all of this patronizing, and I definitely agree. Edward is basically doing whatever he wants and then shifting the blame for his actions to Bella. He basically just called Bella stupid for not avoiding him, when it was him who was pursuing her. Not only does this make him a selfish boyfriend, it makes him a condescending one too! (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

Bella looks down at her bottle of lemonade and Edward asks her what she is thinking. One look into Edward's eyes causes her to nearly have another orgasm, causing her to blurt out what she was thinking. She says that she's trying to figure Edward out, and he asks her if she has any theories.

I blushed. I had been vacillating during the last month between Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker.

Ugh! I see Meyer has been flipping through the thesaurus again. Technically, not the wrong word. Stylistically, absolutely the wrong word. It just sticks out as an example of "look at me, I'm a brilliant author!" (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Edward begs Bella to tell him one of her theories. Bella refuses on the grounds of it being too embarrassing, and Edward complains that that is frustrating. Then ... oh my God, this next part is awesome!

Savor this moment, people, for this is a very rare moment in which I not only 100% agree with Bella, but actually cheered for her. Yes, it can happen. For the first time in this whole book I actually liked something that Bella did. To get the real impact of this moment I'm going to quote it in full.

"No," I disagreed quickly, my eyes narrowing, "I can't imagine why that would be frustrating at all--just because someone refuses to tell you what they're thinking, even if all the while they're making cryptic little remarks specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they could possibly mean ... now, why would that be frustrating?"
He grimaced.
"Or better," I continued, the pent-up annoyance flowing freely now, "say that person also did a wide range of bizarre things--from saving your life under impossible circumstances one day to treating you like a pariah the next, and he never explained any of that, either, even after he promised. That, also, would be very non-frustrating."
"You've got a bit of a temper, don't you?"
"I don't like double-standards."

That ... was ... AWESOME!

Bravo, Bella! That was almost enough to give me hope that you'd matured a bit. You go, girl! Stand up to this chauvinistic douchebag. Point out his hypocrisy!

It's too bad that any respect I've gained for Bella because of this is negated by her later actions. This instance also works against her. It's clear that she knows how condescending and unfair Edward is, but she stays with him anyway. Any girl with self-respect would have left the table after that outburst and not spoken to Edward again, at least not without a considerable apology and the full explanation that was demanded. Bella does not do this, which makes her a sheep. A sheep that will occasionally bleat back at her handler, but a sheep nonetheless.

Edward just snickers. Bella asks what that is about, and he explains that the guys at Bella's table think, and rightly so, that Edward is being a dick to Bella and are debating whether or not to come to Bella's aid. The fact that they notice something like that and feel a natural urge to defend their friend against someone who is being mean to her says something. It says, to me, that they are far better friends for Bella than Edward is. Bella dismisses this.

Bella doesn't think to ask how Edward knows what the other guys are talking about, since they can't hear them. Edward says that people are easy to read, but not Bella. Um, it's not very hard to tell why Edward can't read Bella's mind. You can't read a book if the pages are blank, after all.

Bella drinks her lemonade and Edward asks if she's hungry.

"No." I didn't feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full--of butterflies.

... This is best-selling writing? God that line is stupid.

Bella asks Edward to do her a favor. That favor is for Edward to warn Bella the next time he is about to completely ignore her "for her own good."


After making that very admirable stand against Edward's hypocritical attitude, she's now just going to go along with it? What is the point of calling him out on his behavior if she's not going to hold him accountable after the fact? This is our protagonist, folks, a spineless simpleton who, even when she stands up for herself, fails to follow through on her own words. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward decides that the request is fair enough, but demands one answer in return. He wants to hear one of Bella's theories. Bella says no. Edward points out that she didn't qualify her statement, but promised one answer. Any answer. Bella points out, and rightly so, that Edward has broken promises to her himself. Gee, lies and broken promises. What a fabulous foundation for a healthy relationship, eh folks?

Edward begs to hear one of Bella's theories. When that doesn't work he pulls out his secret weapon.


He looked down, and then glanced up at me through his long black lashes, his ocher eyes scorching.
"Please?" he breathed, leaning toward me.
I blinked, my mind going blank. Holy cow, how did he do that?

Works every time! (+1 Eye Sex)

Bella finally relents and asks Edward if he was bitten by a radioactive spider.

"Um, well, bitten by a radioactive spider?" Was he a hypnotist, too? or was I just a hopeless pushover?

You're a hopeless pushover.

That's right, folks, Bella just asked Edward if he's Spiderman. If that doesn't scream stupidity, I don't know what does. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward teases Bella for being so lame, an instance in which I actually agree with Edward. Undeterred, Bella swears that she'll figure Edward out eventually. Edward, now back in emo mode, says he wish she wouldn't try. Bella asks him why.

"What if I'm not a superhero? What if I'm the bad guy?"

Okay, I get it, you're brooding and mysterious. Stop beating the poor readers over the head with it. Unfortunately Meyer is not done trying to bad-boy-ify Edward, for they continue to go on about how dangerous and bad he is. I especially like how, in this part, Bella goes "ZOMG he really IS dangerous!" as if it's some great epiphany. This is Meyer once again trying to lead the reader by the nose by TELLING us that X character has Y characteristic instead of SHOWING us this.

Bella insists that Edward is not a bad person (because she has SO much previous experience with which to make that judgment), and Edward flat-out teller her that she's wrong.

Um ... question.


Seriously. The guy sits there broodingly telling you "I'm dangerous, I'm bad, stay away from me," and she eats all of this up? If it were me I'd think this guy was either a tremendous douche trying to look cool or, possibly, a psycho. Neither scenario is good, and the possibility of the second would make a sane girl excuse herself and go sit with some non-crazy people. Instead, Bella admits to being fascinated by Edward.

Bella notices that it's time for class and rushes to leave. Edward tells her that he won't be going to class? Why?

"It's healthy to ditch class now and then." He smiled up at me, but his eyes were still troubled.

Remember kids: School is for losers. Meyer has spoken!

Bella says she's going to class, but admits that it's only because she's afraid of getting caught if she didn't. She's hesitant to leave Edward, but goes when the hears the bell. Never have the words "saved by the bell" held such meaning to me. I just hope that this chapter has had its Bella/Edward wankfest and something interesting will FINALLY happen. Bella, much like the readers, is more confused by her exchange with Edward than when she'd started. But hey, she points out, at least it stopped raining.

And this is relevant how?

Mr. Banner---and at this point I hope his first name is Bruce so he'll turn into the Incredible Hulk and smash the whiny emo princess and sparkly vampire douchebag---has a special assignment in mind for the class. He explains that the Red Cross is having a blood drive and as a special treat he was going to have the class test their blood to determine their blood type. To demonstrate, he pricks Mike's finger with a needle and applies a drop of blood to an indicator card.

It all goes downhill from here.

Here we learn that Bella is such a special snowflake that she can smell a single drop of blood from all the way across a classroom (she commented that at the distance she was sitting she couldn't even see the needle the teacher was holding) and the smell makes her violently nauseous. Now, I'm not a medical expert but I'm fairly certain that that is physically impossible. Yeah blood has a scent, but a single drop? From across a room?

She starts sweating, her stomach heaves, her ears ring, and she feels herself losing consciousness. It's all very melodramatic. So it turns out that our protagonist is hemophobic ... and she later wants to become a vampire WHY? She continues to see Edward after learning he's a vampire WHY? Don't get me wrong, I think the idea of a hemophobic person dating a vampire can be an interesting concept if the subject of that person's fear of blood is explored, but it isn't. In fact. Bella's fear of blood IS NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN after this scene. In fact, in a later book Bella has no problem INGESTING large quantities of blood. Continuity? What's that?

Her hemophobia is only here in the first place as a quick and dirty way to make Bella into a damsel in distress so Edward can ride in on his white horse and rescue her.(+1 Stupidity)

Mr. Banner asks Bella if she's feeling faint.

"Yes, sir," I muttered, internally kicking myself for not ditching when I had the chance.

Because school is for losers, thus speaketh Meyer. Go ahead, young readers, ditch class. Edward says it's healthy for you! (insert massive sarcasm quotes)

Mr. Banner asks someone to help Bella to the nurse, and Mike (of course) volunteers. Bella grows increasingly desperate to leave, saying she'll crawl if she has to. I would feel more sympathetic if Bella actually were hemophobic, not just conveniently hemophobic this one time so she can eye sex Edward some more.

As they walk across campus Bella begs Mike to sit her down on the walkway. And them, yes, you guessed it.


Mike explains the situation to Edward, which prompts sir SparkleDouche to take over the role of saving our helpless damsel.

"I'll take her," Edward said. I could hear the smile still in his voice.

How can you hear a smile? Does she also taste laughter?

Mike protests, saying that he's supposed to be taking care of Bella and this is HIS chance to get him some of that, damn it! Edward's response is to snatch up Bella like as if snatching a contested piece of meat away from a rival predator.

Suddenly the sidewalk disappeared from beneath me. My eyes flew open in shock. Edward had scooped me up in his arms, as easily as if I weighed ten pounds instead of a hundred and ten.

You can almost hear Edward's cave man grunt. "This Grog's poon! No one steal Grog's poon!"

Nice depiction of female empowerment, Meyer, having Bella not only argued over like a prize to be won, but snatched from the very ground as a means of ending that argument. Bella protests, asking to be put down, but Edward ignores her. Because he, being the man, obviously knows what's best for her. Mike protests also, but Edward ignores him too. Damn, Edward is an asshole.

I never liked the words "eyes flew open." I'm not going to rag on Meyer for this one because a LOT of authors use those words. Every time I read that line I imagine someone's eyelids sprouting wings and ascending to Heaven. It's a really silly image that ruins the imagery of the scene for me. I also hate it when someone is falling off a cliff and they "scramble for purchase." It makes me think that they went out to buy eggs.

But I digress. Back to Edward and his asshattery!

"So you faint at the sight of blood?" he asked. This seemed to entertain him.

Because nothing is more amusing than poking fun at someone who nearly collapsed and is currently suffering from nausea. Did I mention that Edward is a douchebag?

Edward continues to tease her all the way to the nurse's office.

The grandmotherly nurse looked up from a novel, astonished, as Edward swung me into the room and placed me gently on the crackly paper that covered the brown vinyl mattress on the one cot. Then he moved to stand against the wall as far across the narrow room as possible. His eyes were bright, excited.

Am I the only one who found that last part a little creepy? Edward is getting excited at seeing Bella lying on a nurse's bed suffering from nausea? Whatever raises the flag pole, I guess. I wonder if Edward spends his time browsing the sneeze fetish forum.

Edward explains the situation to the nurse, who nods and comments that there is always at least one person who faints during blood tests. This amuses Edward more. The nurse asks if this happens to Bella often. Edward laughs at her again. Did I mention that Edward is a douchebag? The nurse dismisses Edward, but he insists on staying, presumably so he can make fun of the girl who'd just fainted some more.

"You were right," I moaned, letting my eyes close.
"I usually am--but about what in particular this time?"

Oh Bella, you pathetically weak human creature. When will you learn that I am always right? Have I mentioned that I'm a douche?

Bella says that Edward was right about ditching class being healthy. You know, because only idiots attend class.

"You scared me for a moment there," he admitted after a pause. His tone made it sound like he was confessing a humiliating weakness. "I thought Newton was dragging your dead body off to bury it in the woods."

Scared, huh? I suppose that was why you did all that laughing and snickering, because that's how you express concern for someone. I imagine that Mike must have looked pretty dastardly, just standing there while Bella sat on the sidewalk. The fiend!

So not only does Edward seem to think expressing concern for a girl that he's supposedly in love with is a sign of weakness, which he must cover up by making jokes at her expense, but he responds to his knee-jerk reaction at seeing Bella sick by being an asshole to Mike and carrying Bella, against her will, as if she were an infant? Yeah, great boyfriend material there. Possessive, jealous, condescending, and prone to overreaction.

Bella comments that Mike probably wasn't happy with how this turned out.

"He absolutely loathes me," Edward said cheerfully

Is there even a word in the English language that can accurately describe the mountainous pile of douchebaggery that is Edward Cullen? THIS guy is the perfect boyfriend? Honestly, I have no idea what people see in him. He's a rude, selfish, arrogant creature who belittles Bella, acts against her wishes, and treats others like dirt.

I'm starting to get an idea why Meyer wrote the other boys into the book. I think it's just she can once again beat us over the head with a sledgehammer how perfect and special Edward is by having other guys interested in Bella, but trying to make it so that they are clearly inferior to Edward. Having Bella rebuff and ignore them, become annoyed at their attentions, treating them like crap, and having Edward display his superiority over them. So basically, their sole purpose is to show that Edward is perfection incarnate.

Gary Stu!

Bella asks how Edward was able to see her.

"I was in my car, listening to a CD." Such a normal response--it surprised me.

It seems that Bella has such an overblown view of Edward in her head that she can't imagine him doing something as mundane as listening to music in his car. Someone needs to tell Meyer that neurotic obsession does not true love make. Obsessing over someone is NOT romantic. Yes, an inordinate preoccupation with someone whom you love is normal, especially at the outset of a relationship. The problem here is that neither Bella nor Edward progress past that stage and into a REAL relationship. They are stuck permanently at the infatuation phase, and what a creepy, neurotic, and downright unhealthy infatuation it is.

Her fainting spell having served its convenient purpose, Bella is instantly better now and gets up just as Mike comes into the room escorting another student. Now, this says something about Mike. One of two possible things, actually. Either he's just a decent guy and would help anyone (whether they're named Bella or not), or he helped this other person for an excuse to get to the Nurse's office, hoping to get another shot at Bella. I'm not quite sure which way to lean on this one.

Edward tells Bella to get out and she does. Edward is surprised that she listened, and Bella comments that she could smell the blood.

"People can't smell blood," he contradicted.

Yes they can, you imbecile! In fact, the smell of blood is also one possible way to trigger hemophobia. How can Edward, a 100+ year old vampire who's been in high school the bulk of his life, not know this?

Even so, I still call bullshit on Bella's smelling blood thing. She claims that's what triggers her hemophobia, but I highly doubt that the human nose is sensitive enough to smell a single drop of blood from across a classroom. The scent of blood isn't strong enough in such a miniscule amount.

If Meyer had just shut the fuck up for one moment and did some actual RESEARCH, she could have made this hemophobia scene more believable. The sight of, or even the idea of the sight of, blood can also trigger hemophobia. If Meyer had stuck to the sight or idea of blood, perhaps having Bella see Mike's finger get pricked, imagine a needle penetrating her own finger, and getting nauseous from that, it would have been more believable. But NO, she had to make Bella such a special snowflake that she has a super nose. (+1 Stupidity)

Mike comes out the door and is upset at being emasculated by Edward. Frankly, I'd be pissed off too if I were showed up by a person who defining characteristic is that he sparkles in sunlight. Mike asks Bella if she'll go to the beach trip he had planned for the weekend. Bella uncharacteristically says yes.

I tried to sound as friendly as possible. "Sure, I said I was in."

Funny, I don't seem to recall Mike and Bella actually having that conversation. Again, telling and not showing.

Given Bella's track record you'd expect her to say no to the invitation and complain bitterly about a boy daring to be nice to her. This unusual acceptance of a social outing on Bella's part can mean only one thing.


But I'm getting ahead of myself. Mike continues to shoot death glares at Edward as he gives Bella the details of the trip. After that he leaves, pouting at Bella the whole time. I'm beginning to think that Meyer enjoys this, that somewhere in her black heart she takes pleasure in having her self-insert and her wet dream toy with other boys' emotions. Perhaps she's getting revenge for how she was treated in school?

Mike says he'll see Bella in gym. Immediately Edward, not quite done screwing with Mike, gets Bella out of it. He goes over to Ms. Cope and uses his sexual wiles to get her to excuse Bella.

I am not kidding. He hits on school faculty to get favors.

"Bella has gym next hour, and I don't think she feels well enough. Actually, I was thinking I should take her home now. Do you think you could excuse her from class?" His voice was like melting honey. I could imagine how much more overwhelming his eyes would be.

That's right, folks. Edward just eye raped a school receptionist.

"Do you need to be excused, too, Edward?" Ms. Cope fluttered. Why couldn't I do that?
"No, I have Mrs. Goff, she won't mind."

Apparently he also eye rapes his teachers too. So Edward isn't just a douchebag, he's also a shameless eye whore.

Seriously, though. Does Meyer even read what she writes? She just had a student flirt with a receptionist and insinuate that he may do the same thing with his teachers. That is just plain wrong! I think Meyer wants this to come off as Edward being so sexy that even his teachers want him, but the problem with this is ... THEY'RE HIS FUCKING TEACHERS! Does she not see what kind of behavior this is condoning? Ugh!

Edward makes a sarcastic jab at Bella for the whole carrying her into the nurse's office thing. But since 1) Carrying Bella had been totally unnecessary, 2) Bella didn't want to be carried and it was done against her will, and 3) Edward had only done it to show up Mike, this just makes Edward come off like a complete asshat.

Edward is a dick the whole way out of the nurse's office. You know, for being a century old, Edward is very immature. Bella asks Edward if he'll be going on Mike's beach trip.

I couldn't picture him loading up to carpool with the rest of the kids from school; he didn't belong in the same world. But just hoping that he might gave me the first twinge of enthusiasm I'd felt for the outing.

Yeah, Bella is SO excited at the possibility of the single person in Forks who was ever mean to her showing up. The person who, so far, laughed brazenly at her nearly collapsing, treated her like a child, condescended her, lied to her, flagrantly acted against her wishes, need I go on? But oooh he so pale and HAWT and look at those teeth and those gorgeous eyes, *squeal* all is instantly forgiven!

This book is making me nauseous now.

Edward asks where they're going exactly.

"Down to La Push, to First Beach." I studied his face, trying to read it. His eyes seemed to narrow infinitesimally.

First off, facial muscles can't move precise enough to move infinitesimally. Even if it could, Bella wouldn't be able to notice a movement so small that it can't be measured! Edward's face would appear to be perfectly still. Someone needs to take Meyer's thesaurus away. Meyer meant to write something to the effect of "his eyes narrowed ever so slightly," but apparently a simple sentence like that wasn't exotic enough. Needed to pull out the old Merriam-Webster. The word "infinitesimal" is a term to describe quantities that are immeasurably small. It doesn't apply to the narrowing of eyes! (+1 Thesaurus Rape)


Edward points out that he wasn't invited, and Bella insists that she just invited him.

"Let's you and I not push poor Mike any further this week. We don't want him to snap." His eyes danced; he was enjoying the idea more than he should.

How do eyes dance? You know, that could be a sign of a medical condition. He should get treated for that.

So we know so far that Edward gets turned on by seeing girls sick and toying with other boys' feelings. Perfect boyfriend material, eh? I wonder if he cuts the heads off of puppies and consumes their brain matter as an aphrodisiac.

"Mike-schmike," I muttered, preoccupied by the way he'd said "you and I." I liked it more than I should.

I'm sorry, I just have to ask once again ... what did Mike ever do to earn so much disdain from Bella? What did he do to deserve being treated with such a complete lack of decency, as if he were less than human? The only crime he committed was not being Edward, but that apparently is enough for Bella. I don't think Bella is intentionally trying to be malicious, she's just so selfish and self-centered that she doesn't care. (+1 Bitch)

Bella and Edward are in the parking lot now. Bella moves over to her truck and Edward, concerned for her health, volunteers to drive her home. Bella at first declines, but Edward calmly and reasonably explains his feelings and Bella, seeing some truth in Edward's words, follows him willingly to his Volvo.


... ...

... ... ...

That is exactly WHAT DOES NOT HAPPEN!

We were near the parking lot now. I veered left, toward my truck. Something caught my jacket, yanking me back.
"Where do you think you're going?" he asked, outraged. He was gripping a fistful of my jacket in one hand.


Bad touch! Bad touch! What the hell is wrong with this guy? (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

I was confused. "I'm going home."
"Didn't you hear me promise to take you safely home? Do you think I'm going to let you drive home in your condition?" His voice was still indignant.

I am not kidding now. This is really, truly disturbing behavior. That Edward is so possessive that he acts this way toward a girl he barely even knows. Even if they'd known each other for years, there is no excuse for this kind of control freak behavior. This is abuse!

"What condition? And what about my truck?" I complained.
"I'll have Alice drop it off after school." He was towing me toward his car now, pulling me by my jacket. It was all I could do to keep from falling backward. He'd probably just drag me along anyway if I did

How can all those fangirls gush about how perfect Edward is when he does things like this? Do they all have amnesia? How can they possibly excuse this kind of behavior?

Also, what is with the use of the word "complained." It sticks out at me because Bella, for once, is not actually complaining! She is being totally reasonable given the circumstances. Hell, if I were in her position I wouldn't have been that composed about it. I would be more like "get the hell off me! How DARE you drag me off like something you shot in the woods?"

Even more disturbing is that Meyer heralds this book as the perfect romance. Does she actually think that this is ROMANTIC? Does she think that Bella is being unreasonable and Edward is being a gentleman? What is going on in this woman's sick mind if she thinks this is in any way romantic behavior. This is physical and emotional abuse! What's more, it's totally sexist. Bella is being dragged around like some THING that Edward owns, or like a misbehaved child throwing a tantrum at the supermarket. Not only is this disturbing, it is degrading!

"Let go!" I insisted. He ignored me. I staggered along sideways across the wet sidewalk until we reached the Volvo. Then he finally freed me--I stumbled against the passenger door.
"You are so pushy!" I grumbled.
"It's open," was all he responded. He got in the driver's side.
"I am perfectly capable of driving myself home!" I stood by the car, fuming. It was raining harder now, and I'd never put my hood up, so my hair was dripping down my back.
He lowered the automatic window and leaned toward me across the seat. "Get in, Bella."

He used unnecessary force to DRAG Bella across the parking lot, released her so roughly that she stumbled against the car, and is now ORDERING her to get in his car. Can't you just feel the twu wuv in the air?

I didn't answer. I was mentally calculating my chances of reaching the truck before he could catch me. I had to admit, they weren't good.
"I'll just drag you back," he threatened, guessing my plan.

And now he is physically THREATENING her! What the fuck! I'm normally against giving the same point for the same violation, but this is just too much! (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

Bella should call the police! People get restraining orders for stuff like this. She should tell her father; he's a cop. Any woman with even the smallest residue of self-respect would not stand being treated this way!

Bella gets into the car, since she has no choice. She is naturally upset about this, though not nearly as upset as she should be. And then ... *sigh*

Sorry, this next part just depresses me so much.

Bella notices that Edward likes some of the same music that she does and instantly forgives him for dragging her across the side walk and threatening her. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward speeds down the street, which makes me wonder if the police in Forks actually enforce their traffic laws. The abuse now completely forgotten, they start talking about Bella's mother. Bella laments that she has "too much Charlie" in her, and how her mother is her best friend. Yes the flighty, weak-minded woman incapable of doing anything without a man (as noted in my chapter one summary) is her best friend, while the loving, caring, responsible adult can't even be called Dad. Maybe Bella loves her mother so much because she can get away with more bullshit with her than with her father.

Edward asks Bella how old she is. She says she's 17, and Edward comments that she doesn't seem to act like a 17 year old girl.

My mom always says I was born thirty-five years old and that I get more middle aged every year."

But of course, Bella. After all, you are the self-insert of a bored middle-aged housewife.

I laughed, and then sighed. "Well, someone has to be the adult."

An interesting commentary about Bella's family life that I wish were expanded upon more in this book. Forget GlitterDouche and get into Bella's family life a bit more. Now that would be a FAR more interesting story to tell.

They talk more about her mother, and also about Phil, the man she's seeing. Edward comments that it's generous of Bella to be so open to her mother dating a much younger man. He also wonders if she would feel the same way about whoever Bella chooses to date. They agree that she shouldn't see anyone too scary, and Bella wonders what is meant exactly by "scary."

"Do you think that I could be scary?" He raised one eyebrow, and the faint trace of a smile lightened his face.

*Raises hand*

Well there was that one time, not long ago, when you dragged her across a parking lot against her will and threatened her with physical violence if she didn't get into your Volvo. Does that count as scary?

I thought for a moment, wondering whether the truth or a lie would go over better. I decided to go with the truth. "Hmmm ... I think you could be, if you wanted to."


Does this girl have amnesia, or is she just a god damn moron? Did she already forget being dragged across the pavement like a sack of potatoes? Ugh! This is now officially a full-blown idiot plot! (+1 Stupidity)

"Are you frightened of me now?" The smile vanished, and his heavenly face was suddenly serious.

Enough! Stop trying to paint Edward as a brooding, mysterious bad boy. It's not working. He was an asshole when he first came into the story, and he nothing but an abusive, selfish, controlling asshole now!

Bella asks Edward about his family. Edward is pretty evasive with his answers and says very little other than that his family is awesome and he loves them very much. Edward points out that he should be getting back to school so he can pick up his family. Bella, though, is reluctant to leave his car.

Bella asks once again if Edward will go to the beach with her, but he has to decline because he and Emmett are going camping ... alone ... in the wilderness ... where nobody can see them ... Ho Yay?

Bella FINALLY gets out of the car, but not before Edward can once again be a douche and make a sarcastic remark at Bella's expense. She slams the car door and Edward drives away, amused the whole time.

And finally, FINALLY, this horrific experience is over! No more twilight for me until I've had a chance to come down from this latest suckfest. Damn this book is awful! It continually amazes me that people think that these books are so good. I really don't get it. So far this has been almost physically painful for me to read.

I need a drink.

Final Tally:

+9 Stupidity
+4 Bad Boyfriend
+3 Bitch
+2 Eye Sex
+2 Thesaurus rape
+1 Wangst

A record for stupidity in a single chapter. Bella hasn't been as much of a horrendous bitch here as in the past, but that's only because she'd been overshadowed by the gargantuan mass of douchebaggery that is Edward Cullen.


Lilly said...

I'll never get tired of reading your summaries. This was hilarious!
Also, how did you ever come across that sneezing fetish forum? That was the creepiest thing I've seen all month.

Gerjan said...

You are wonderful, I thought of most things that you said but lacked the words to say them myself. And I agree with the previous comment, the whole "women with red, blocked noses make me orgasm" was a bit...I'm not sure why something so non-violent should disturb me so much

Elina said...

Thanks for writing this! You have really good points and your writing style is great. I need to show this blog to my friend who actually likes this shitty excuse of book. Keep up the good work!

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to let you know I admire you. Not only for the hazardous exposure to this book you're risking for our amusement, but for your ability to keep your head enough while reading to write such witty observations. I just spent the past two hours giggling to myself in front of the computer screen; it's just so beautifully done, I can't look away. And I especially love that you quoted Firefly at the beginning of this chapter! I think I'm in love with you.

You are made of awesome. Pure, organic awesome. Children should want to grow up to be you.

TheUnbeholden said...

If I may cut in.

I don't think that Edward is an asshole or selfish for wanting to have a relationship with Bella. I think yes hes taking a risk but I think that he wants to be happy, and in turn make Bella happy (i'm sure hes already gathered the fact that she likes him) this risk is the only way for that to happen. Also I think he believes he might beable to learn to control his bloodlust.

Though I just say the rest of what you said was still very funny.

Ceca Mire said...

You linked to TVTropes, you evil, evil person. Goodbye, rest of the day.

Dri said...

I feel the need to go over a couple of things here.
I laughed my ass of at both the "Grog's poon" part and the "THERE BE PLOT OVER AT THEM THAR BEACH!" part.

And, of course, your use of the word "GORAM" made me all happy 'cause Firefly rocks. Or rocked, rather.

It says a lot about our day and age that Meyer made an assload of money off this glorified fan-fiction when Firefly was canceled after fifteen episodes. Depressing thought.

Anonymous said...

/If I may cut in. I don't think that Edward is an asshole or selfish for wanting to have a relationship with Bella. I think yes hes taking a risk but I think that he wants to be happy, and in turn make Bella happy (i'm sure hes already gathered the fact that she likes him) this risk is the only way for that to happen. Also I think he believes he might beable to learn to control his bloodlust. /

How about him physically and emotionally abusing Bella? Does that make him an asshat?

Just something I noticed about many Twilight fans (by far not only the reply above). They try to excuse the totality of Bella and Edward's sociopathic behavior with a simple explanation that might excuse one of the 100 points of assholishness these two show to each other and everyone, then call it good.

No. Addressing 1% of the problem doesn't solve the whole problem.

angelgem43 said...

Unbeholden, come on, Edward says that he's afraid he'll lose control, but he stalks her and follows her anyway. By doing this he gets power over Bella. He is used to being a super powerful super strong Gary Stu fairy that can do everything and anything he wants with no consequences. Methinks he's playing with Bella's emotions(remember how she blows up at him at the lunch table?)and he gets some kind of weird kick out of it, in which case, he is masochistic.

angelgem43 said...

I hated how pathetic Bella was about being dragged across a parking lot. Meyer(if she were competent) could have used this scene like this: Bella blows up big time, and stays away from Edward, relinquishing her obsession over his looks and realizes how dangerous he is. This could go several ways. 1. McSparkleton could try to win her back, and after some rebuffs, Bella decides to give him a second chance, and this time around, Edward respects her. 2. Bella, unnerved by the encounter,decides to stay away from creepster Eddie, but he keeps stalking her, becoming violent and mentally unhinged because of his blood lust,and she has to fight him off when he tries to feed on her one day. Edward then makes a sincere effort to control his blood lust, and with Bella's help, he learns to control his urges. But Noooooo! Bella is a pansy who won't stand up for herself, on top of being a big ass bitch.

Anonymous said...

By "going to hell", he means that, as he's a vampire, he'll go to hell when he dies (good, he's an asshole!). I once read that vampires in the Twi-verse go to hell in the end. Now, that doesn't excuse his douchebaggery and asshattery, and I don't like Twilight AT ALL, but I thought I ought to correct you on that.

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