Twilight - Chapter Four

Nothing happens!

The chapter begins in Bella's dreams, because it's not enough that we have to put up with her when she's awake. She's, of course, dreaming about Edward in possibly the most clichéd manner imaginable.

In my dream it was very dark, and what dim light there was seemed to be radiating Edward's skin.


This is the very first sentence of the chapter, folks, and it does a perfect job of letting us know what we can expect. Wait a moment ... Edward's skin is glowing in this dream, and later Edward reveals that his skin sparkles in sunlight (my God, I never get used to saying that). Could this be ...?

EPIC FORESHADOWING! OMFGLOLZAWESOME!

Bella dreams that Edward McGlowyPeen has his back turned to her and is walking away. This doesn't work for Bella, because she can't possibly eye-hump him when he's too far away, so she tries to catch up. No matter how fast she moves, however, she cannot catch up to him. Meanwhile Edward smiles and thinks "yeah, babe, look at that sweet ass as it walks away from you."

Okay, so I made that last bit up. I can totally see him doing that, though.

Wait a moment ... Bella has an obsessive semi-erotic dream about Edward, and we later learn that Edward has been sneaking into Bella's bedroom at night to watch her sleep (and do Lord-knows-what with her unmentionables). *GASP* Could this be ...?

EPIC FORESHADOWING! ROFLCOPAFEEL!

Bella wakes up and is so upset that she failed to eye-hump dream-Edward that she can't go back to sleep. She notes that after this incident Edward has been in her dreams nearly every night. God I love foreshadowing.

Bella skims over the month following the accident . Being her usual self, she describes how much she hated every moment of it. She is particularly miffed at Tyler.

Tyler Crowley was impossible, following me around, obsessed with making amends somehow.


Considering that he, you know, almost accidentally KILLED you, I think wanting to make up for something like that is a perfectly natural response. That doesn't make him "impossible," it makes him human. Say it with me, Bella: "Human!" You know, that thing you're not. (+1 Bitch)

And Bella, if you really want to make him stop trying to make amends, then let the guy make amends! Make him buy you dinner or something, or whatever would make him feel good enough to sleep at night. Oh, I forgot, that would require her to think of someone else for a change. Silly me. This shows that Bella is not only selfish, she's selfish and stupid. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella complains that since Tyler is now hanging around her that may mean that she has a third boy with a crush on her. How horrible. My heart goes out to Bella Swan for having to endure boys admiring her and treating her like a goddess. Don't you just hate it when you're the new girl and guys are constantly carrying your books, talking to you, giving you compliments, and trying to worm their way into your group of friends? I tell you, it's so aggravating! How do girls put up with it?

Everyone is talking about the accident. Bella tries to set the record straight by explaining that it was Edward who saved her life. Nobody quite believes her. According to them, nobody had even seen Edward until the van had been pulled away.



Where do I even begin? First of all, what happened to that "sea of faces" that had watched the incident since the beginning? You know, the ones who's faces had been "frozen" in a "mask of shock" as the van headed for Bella? Even if you buy the whole disappearing/reappearing crowd thing, Bella said "they found us" when the crowd approached to help them. She said "us," not "me," and Edward had been right next to Bella when they arrived! How could they not have seen him?

... No, I'm not going to do it.

Not this time.

Nope, absolutely not.

... Oh, alright.

PLOT CHASM!

Bella thinks on this, in what is quite possibly one of the clumsiest bits of narration I've ever seen.

I wondered to myself why no one else had seen him standing so far away, before he was suddenly, impossibly saving my life.


In order for them to have noticed something like that they'd have to have been there since the beginning, meaning the "sea of faces" had actually been a crowd of horrified onlookers. So judging from everything I've read so far, this group of onlookers saw the van approaching Bella but somehow only "found" Bella after the threat had passed. This same crowd not only failed to notice Edward stop a van with his bare hands and lift it single-handedly, but they had also failed to even see Edward at all until the van was moved away to make way for the stretcher, according to the testimony of the people Bella spoke to. Meyer's confused narration can't seem to get straight when the crowd was even there or at what point they had seen Edward.

This isn't a plot chasm, IT'S A PLOT CANYON!

This is the work of a best-selling author? What has the world come to? Seriously, is Meyer even trying? It's as if Meyer simply couldn't handle a plot point that complex (it really isn't) and decided to simply go ahead with whatever came to mind and hope no one would notice. Maybe it's a good thing that these books are generally devoid of a real plot because if Meyer tried to write something above the level of fan-fiction her head would explode from the pressure.

I find this really insulting. I mean, this book is devoid of any real depth, but Meyer compensates for this by waving Edward around and going "oooh look at his handsome face, perfectly chiseled pecs, and ultrawhite smile!" I find that patronizing and a bit insulting to my intelligence. The sad part is people eat it up! Twilight is a shining example of the triumph of flash over substance.

Bella realizes, with chagrin, BELLA SAID THE SECRET WORD!



She realizes that the reason nobody noticed Edward was probably because nobody else was as obsessed with him as she was.

No one else was aware of Edward as I always was. No one else watched him the way I did. How pitiful.


Good that she, at least in this fleeting instance, notices that there's something weird about her constant eye-humping of Edward (sadly, this doesn't last long). However, this is yet another flimsy attempt by Meyer to explain away why nobody noticed Edward suddenly turn into Superman, as if to take notice of someone effortlessly lifting one ton of fine American engineering requires someone to pay so much attention to him that she can compare his face to a poisonous fungus. (+1 Stupidity)

Meyer ... just shut up. Stop talking about the accident, you're better off that way. The more you try to explain it, the louder my bullshit alarm blares. Let's just drop the pretense and admit that nobody noticed Edward because it's convenient for the plot if they didn't, okay?

Bella notes that nobody asked Edward for his take on the matter. She also points out that none of the Cullens or Hales, "especially Edward," looks her way anymore at lunch. How the words "especially Edward" make any sense here I don't know. I mean, that implies that Edward looked at her less than the others, but if none of them are looking at her at all then how is that possible? The words "not even Edward" would have made more sense.

This phenomenon is not limited to lunch time, however. It seems Edward Cullen is in full douchebag mode, making a point of ignoring Bella as much as humanly (or, vampirely?) possible. This upsets Bella, for how can she exposit at length on his glorious perfection if he's not even looking at her? This simply won't do. Lengthy descriptions of Edward's beauty is half the book!

Since Bella naturally must make everything about her, she immediately concludes that Edward is acting this way because he regrets saving her from Tyler's van. If he does it's not nearly as much as I do. That is a rather extreme conclusion to come to, don't you think? "He's not talking to me, HE MUST WISH I WERE DEAD!"

If she had half a brain in her head she'd put two and two together. Did she forget what the man did already? That's surprising, considering that she'd confronted him on the whole stopping a van with his hands thing just last chapter. Obviously any person able to do that is not normal, so perhaps he is concerned about word of him getting out. Or maybe he's self-conscious and thinks Bella, seeing what he can do, thinks he's a freak. Maybe he just doesn't want to talk to her, I don't know. But to go from zero to "he wishes I were dead" like that is not only incredibly self-absorbed, but also dumb.

Ugh!

She becomes increasingly upset with Edward.

I still was angry that he wouldn't trust me with the truth, even though I was keeping my part of the bargain flawlessly.


By telling everyone who will listen about Edward's involvement with the accident, which would naturally lead to questions about the nature of that involvement? Yeah, that sure is some flawless secret-keeping there. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella fumes over Edward ignoring her, but then realizes that the man had, in fact, saved her life and that's what's important. This causes her to say that "the heat of my anger" turned into gratitude. Am I the only one who groaned at reading that line? Really? The heat of my anger? To me, that line stinks of an author trying to sound eloquent, but just ends up sounding stupid.

Bella meets Edward in Biology class and tries to strike a conversation with him, but Edward, still having his vampire period, flat-out ignores her. Unable to get him to talk, Bella resorts to stalking him across the school grounds. Maybe they have more in common than I thought. She continues to have dreams about him. Her e-mails to her mother showed how depressed she is, prompting her to call her a few times out of concern. Bella plays it off as if it were nothing.

Mike senses the tension and, seeing a possible chance to tap that, grows more confident in his advances with Bella. Conspicuously, Bella does not complain. Bella talks about the snow and about Jessica. It turns out there's a spring dance and--

I can't take it anymore. I'm actually wishing Edward would come back into the story, because this book is even more dull without Bella ogling him than with it, and that's saying something. Dear God, can Meyer not write something interesting that doesn't involve Edward? I'm dying over here!

*sigh*

Moving on. There's a spring dance coming up and it turns out Jessica has a thing for Mike. She asks if Bella minds if she asks him out, and Bella is all too eager to hand him off. She asks if Bella is going, but Bella says no. Jessica tries to convince Bella to come with them and join the fun, and then we get this.

"It will be really fun." Her attempt to convince me was halfhearted. I suspected that Jessica enjoyed my inexplicable popularity more than my actual company.


Yeah, sure. I suppose that was why she, you know, invited Bella into her circle of friends on her very first day of school when she was a nobody! Bella, Jessica is part of the reason why you're popular in the first place! Another case of telling rather than showing. We're suppose to believe from this that Jessica is a conniving user, when in actuality she's done nothing more manipulative than talk about the weather. How dare this girl invite Bella to a school dance? She obviously must be using her! Bella Swan, you are such a bitch! (+1 Bitch)

I am willing to grant that perhaps Jessica was half-hearted in wanting Bella to go, but I think a more likely explanation would be because Jessica knows of Mike's epic crush on Bella and fears that he may dump her for Bella. Not exactly a noble motivation, but it's still understandable. It certainly doesn't make her a user, either. It makes her a teenaged girl with a crush.

Jessica is feeling down the next day, which turns out to be because she asked Mike out and was rejected. Bella fears that--

JESUS CHRIST ON A POGO STICK! HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO GO ON?

Isn't this book supposed to be a suspense-filled romance about vampires and forbidden love and all that crap? Why the Holy Hell should I care about some school dance? One that Bella, the main character, isn't even attending? Is it really such a crucial plot point if Jessica goes out with Mike? I can understand going over the upcoming dance, but why devote pages and pages to who goes out with whom? GET TO THE BLOODY POINT ALREADY!

Ugh!

Bella fears that this means that Mike intends to ask Bella to the dance. This fear proves well-founded when Mike leans over to Bella as they sat in class. Bella slips in a mention of Edward sitting next to her so we don't forget that he's in this chapter too.

Mike broaches the subject of the dance, and Bella puts on a great performance. When Mike mentions asking Jessica to the dance she fakes an overly bright and cheery response to that. When he mentions that he turned her down, she lets "disapproval color" her tone. She makes it abundantly clear that she thinks Mike should ask Jessica out. Mike asks if this is because Bella already has a date, and she says she's not going at all. Mike asks why, and I REALLY love this next part.

Bella pulls an impromptu trip to Seattle out of her ass and says she can't go because she's going there. That's right, folks. She makes up a trip to Seattle, completely spur of the moment, just to have an excuse not to go dancing, especially with Mike. Just so you don't think I'm making this up, here are Bella's exact words.

"I'm going to Seattle that Saturday," I explained. I needed to get out of town anyway--it was suddenly the perfect time to go.


Wow! And she thinks Jessica is manipulative. (+1 Bitch)

Mike asks if she can't go some other weekend. In reality Bella can, since she just made this crap up, but she says "sorry, no," and then once again insists that Mike ask Jessica to the dance instead.

Oh, and before some fangirl goes "oh, she did it for Jessica" ... no. No, she did not. She did it because she herself didn't want to go dancing. She says so herself in the narrative during this conversation. Nowhere is it ever mentioned that any of this is for Jessica's benefit. Bella doesn't want Mike, she doesn't want to go to the dance, and Jessica just happened to be there for her to pawn Mike off. That is all.

Bella mentions some feelings of guilt and sympathy, but she quickly pushes those pesky human emotions away. Seeing another boy's hopes crushed seems to be a turn on for Edward, because now he stares at Bella intensely. That's right, folks, this is what we've spent all this time getting to: Edward finally deciding to look at Bella. What a thrilling payoff to this exciting chapter.

God this book is boring! This whole "he's staring at me, now he's ignoring me," thing is the flimsiest attempt at creating will-they-won't-they tension I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing. I've seen supermarket romance novels with more substance than this tripe! At least some of them TRY to have an actual plot!

Bella hold's Edward's stare, and the two are locked in a dramatic stare down. By the time their teacher asks Edward to answer a question, they've already had done the nasty twice. (+1 Eye Sex)

Bella stares down at her books as she recovers from her multiple orgasm. She then expresses some shame and concern about her obsessive interest in Edward. Quite possibly the first wholly sensible thing she's said so far is as follows.

I couldn't allow him to have this level of influence over me. It was pathetic. More than pathetic, it was unhealthy.


Too bad that revelation doesn't last very long. In fact, it doesn't last for more than a second. Bella immediately goes on about how it is impossible for her not to notice Edward. As class ends we reach the ultimate dramatic climax of the chapter.

Edward speaks.

GASP! SHOCK! AWE!

Why, he almost went a whole chapter without talking. What a thrilling plot twist!

Bella, who had been deprived of a good eye-hump opportunity for over a month, takes this opportunity to pounce on Edward like a bitch in heat.

... his too-perfect face ...


A face I very much want to punch right now.

Bella finally grows a spine and calls Edward out for his behavior. She sarcastically asks if Edward now deigns to talk to her, and Edward's reply is "no, not really."

Lame.

Bella is so frustrated that she inhales slowly ... THROUGH HER NOSE!

I closed my eyes and inhaled slowly through my nose, aware that I was gritting my teeth. He waited.


Watch out. If she gets any more upset she may start exhaling through her nose too!

Edward adopts his I'm dangerous, stay away persona, which I guess is supposed to make him seem mysterious or something. Edward explains that it's better if they're not friends. Bella immediately accuses him of regretting saving her life.

Wow ...

He was astonished. He stared at me in disbelief.
When he finally spoke, he almost sounded mad. "You think I regret saving your life?"
"I know you do," I snapped.


Again ... wow! (+1 Bitch)

Bella grabs her books and storms off, intending to make a dramatic exit. She then finally has a clumsy moment and drops her books when she stubs her toe on the door. She bends over to pick them up, and here is another part I like.

Not only is Edward already there next to her but he had also, in the time it took for her to bend over, stacked all of her dropped books into a pile and handed them to her. And ... nobody in the class notices this. Yeah, she does mention pausing for a moment to consider leaving without her books, but how spaced out would she have to have been to just stand there long enough for Edward to reach her and stack her books, and only just then notice that he was there? This is stupid no matter how you put it. (+1 Stupidity).

Oh, remember what I said last chapter about Bella's clumsiness only coming into play when it's convenient? I was right. Bella does her best to salvage the dramatic moment by storming off to Gym in a huff.

Gym, Bella describes, was brutal. Why? Because now they had to play BASKETBALL! The horror! Bella narrates in some convenient clumsiness, letting us know that it's because she can't get Edward out of her mind.

It was a relief, as always, to leave. I almost ran to the truck; there were just so many people I wanted to avoid.


Says the girl who complained about not having friends at her old school. Now that she has friends, she is desperately trying to avoid them all. Given her track record, I think it's possible that she had plenty of friends in Arizona; she just never noticed them because she was too busy avoiding them. I mean, this is a girl who spontaneously made up a trip to Seattle just to avoid her friends. I still can't get over that one!

Bella almost has a stroke (she says so herself) when she sees someone leaning against her truck. For a moment she thinks this may be someone interesting, then realizes that it's just Eric. The boy asks Bella nervously if she would like to go to the dance with him, and this irritates Bella so much that she snaps at him at first, then recovers her composure. She once again plays the "going to Seattle" card to get out of this. Eric says "maybe next time," and Bella says "sure" and instantly regrets it, saying how she hopes he would not actually try to take her up on that.

Seeing not one, but two, boys get shot down really turns Edward on, for he walks past Bella's truck at that moment chuckling. This really pisses Bella off, causing her to yank the door open and slam it shut behind her. She revs the engine, and Edward chooses that moment to pull up in front of her in the Volvo, cutting her off. Bella considers ramming her truck into Edward's car.

I considered taking out the rear of his shiny Volvo, but there were too many witnesses.


Because road rage is always a good thing to play for laughs. Tyler waves to her, but Bella is too pissed off to acknowledge him. Tyler walks up to Bella's window and asks her out to the dance. This just pisses Bella off more. Once again Bella pulls the made-up Trip to Seattle out of her ass.

"I'm not going to be in town, Tyler." My voice sounded a little sharp. I had to remember it wasn't his fault that Mike and Eric had already used up my quota of patience for the day.


God this girl is a bitch! A spoiled, whiny, emo bitch. Wah! Wah! Boys are asking me out on a date. Wah! Edward isn't talking to me. Wah! I had to play basketball. WAH! Everyone keeps trying to be my friend, they obviously must be using me! WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH! (+1 Bitch)

I wonder how many girls wish they had Bella's kind of "problems" in high school. Gaining popularity and friends with absolutely zero effort, having boys automatically fall in love with you, having practically everything handed to you. This girl has everything, and all she does is complain. You know, there are girls in third-world countries who would sell their very souls for the opportunities you have, Bella. Perhaps you need to be shipped off somewhere in order for you to learn what a REAL problem is!

So far Tyler is the only character I have any real feelings for, and that feeling is pity. I mean, just look at the crap he's had to put up with (which I've noted in chapter 3). It's almost as if Tyler represents some guy Meyer hates and so she's expressing her loathing vicariously through Tyler.

Ugh!

Tyler admits that Mike told him about the trip, but he'd hoped that Bella had just been letting him down easy. For those of you paying attention, that was precisely what she had been doing. Bella, though, denies this and further claims in the narrative that her aggravation was now all Tyler's fault. Tyler comments well, there's still the prom, which leaves Bella flabbergasted. Now she'll have to come up with another completely made-up bullshit excuse to get out of that one.

If seeing two boys crash and burn was a turn on, seeing a third boy get scorched has Edward positively trembling with delight. Asshole.

Bella further contemplates ramming the truck into Edward's Volvo, but by this time they were already pulling away. Bella goes home and gives us the details of what she decided to cook for dinner. You know, because we all really need to see that. Jessica calls and seems very happy for some reason.

It was Jessica, and she was jubilant ...


Jubilant is not the wrong word per se, and technically this is the proper usage of the word. However, its placement in this sentence is just awkward. It sticks out at me as an instance of Meyer deciding that a word like "happy" or "excited" weren't interesting enough, so she pulled out the thesaurus and hunted for synonyms. Thesaurus rape isn't just about using the wrong word, it's also about using unnecessary synonyms when more basic words are more suitable. Authors think they're being clever when they do this, but an oddly placed word makes their prose look overwrought and cheesy.(+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Jessica is jubilant because she had inquired to the object of her, as of yet, unrequited idée fixe, requesting his leave to escort her to the Spring festivities taking place at the local center of education.

See? I can do it too.

Jessica had asked Mike to the dance and, since Bella is no longer an option, he agreed. Jessica doesn't have long to talk because she wants to tell the rest of her friends. Bella suggests that Jessica set up Eric and Tyler with her friends as well. One girl, in particular, gets an interesting description.

Lauren, a standoffish girl who had always ignored me at the lunch table ...


Oh, so when Lauren doesn't pay attention to you that makes her "standoffish," but when you, Bella, not only ignore everyone else but go out of your way to avoid them, up to and including making up out-of-town trips, then that's just peachy? Have you ever heard the saying about he who lives in a glass house?

Bella notes how now that Jessica has secured Mike as a date, she seemed to genuinely want Bella to attend. So what I said earlier was right! Jessica is not the manipulative snake Bella described her as earlier, using her for her popularity (which makes no sense considering that nearly all of Bella's friends are Jessica's). Jessica is just a typical girl with a crush on another boy.

We get more details of Bella preparing dinner (yay?) as she starts to think about Edward ... again. Now she's upset because she thinks Edward is not interested in her.

My God, even writing this summary is starting to bore me. This really can't be helped, folks. If this summary drags on and gets dull, it's because THIS GODDAMN BOOK IS PLODDING AND DULL!

I mean, nothing is happening! This entire chapter is "Oh, Edward is so pretty. Edward is ignoring me and that makes me sad. Now I'm mad at Edward. Now Edward is laughing and I want to hit his car. Oooh, Edward is so gorgeous that I just can't stop thinking about him! Edward, Edward, Edward!"

I wasn't interesting. And he was. Interesting ... and brilliant ... and mysterious ... and perfect ... and beautiful ... and possibly able to lift full-sized vans with one hand.


DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

*deep breath*

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

Okay, I think I got the murderous rage out of my system.

Bella petulantly says fine then I will leave him alone (she won't), so there!

Her latest whining spree is interrupted by the return of her fath--damn it to Hell, why can't I get it right? Charlie comes home and while they're having dinner Bella brings up her spontaneous trip to Seattle.

"Um, I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to Seattle for the day a week from Saturday ... if that's okay?" I didn't want to ask permission--it set a bad precedent--but I felt rude, so I tacked it on at the end.


How spoiled is this girl? She's already demonstrated that she thinks nothing of Charlie and doesn't consider him to be her father, so I guess this isn't surprising. I've already made a long speech about Charlie as a father figure in chapter 3, so if you want my view on the situation just go and read that. For now I'll just bitch smack this spoiled brat. (+1 Bitch)

Charlie asks why.

"Why?" He sounded surprised, as if he were unable to imagine something that Forks couldn't offer.


Or maybe he's just a concerned parent wondering why his child is making an unexpected trip out of town. You know, like parents do.

Bella's excuse is that she needs books (because online stores do not exist in the Twilight universe) and clothes. Bella notes how she had more money than expected thanks to Charlie buying her the truck. Thanks Charlie. Her dad notes that the truck probably doesn't get good gas mileage, and here is where Meyer goes to Google Maps so she can supply Bella with a route to cite.

Charlie asks if she's going by herself and Bella wonders if he thinks she has a secret boyfriend or something. Again, maybe he's concerned about his daughter taking an out of town trip all by herself, where there could potentially be some unforeseen danger. Charlie offers to go with her, which horrifies Bella. Charlie finally relents and consents to the trip. However, he does note that Bella is leaving on the same day as the school dance and asks her about that.

And then we get this.

Grrr. Only in a town this small would a father know when the high school dances were


WHAT WORLD DOES MEYER LIVE IN?

Dear God. I grew up in NYC, a subway ride away from Manhattan proper, and my dad was aware of school activities. It has nothing to do with how small the town is, it has to do with how involved one's parent is in his child's academic life. A parent like Charlie should be applauded for paying attention to her daughter's schedule, showing concern for her welfare, and even taking the time to look up the local school activities.

And what is with the word "father" being italicized? Does Meyer think it's weird for a father to take an interest in his child's school activities. Is there some rule that states that a dad can't know these things? Me thinks Meyer is projecting her own childhood onto Bella, which would explain quite a lot.

The next day Bella parks away from Edward's Volvo, noting that to do otherwise would cause her too much temptation to do a hit-and-run. In another moment of convenient clumsiness Bella drops her keys and Edward magically appears to pick them up. Even Bella asks what the hell is up with that.

Bella scowls at "his perfect face" and has to look away so as to "reassemble" her "now-tangled thoughts."

Reassemble? How do you reassemble something that's tangled? To reassemble something that thing has to be broken or separated, not tangled together! (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella demands to know why Edward cut her off yesterday and Edward explains that he did it because he's an asshole, which is to say he did it specifically to set Tyler up to be rejected by Bella. This infuriates Bella so much---not the fact that Edward had just toyed with another boys feelings, but that Edward had subjected her to Tyler---that she couldn't think of a bad enough word to call him. She makes another reference to "the heat of my anger," which just now caused me to groan at the stupidity of the phrase.

Edward is revels in his own asshatery until Bella makes an insulting reference to Tyler's van, saying that he's trying to irritate her to death since the van didn't do it." Edward is no longer amused. Bella is so angry that she wants to hit something.

I was surprised at myself. I was usually a nonviolent person.


Says the girl who'd just contemplated ramming her truck into Edward's Volvo several times now? Remember kids: it's not violence if it's done with automobiles.

Bella decides she's had enough and walks away. Edward calls for her to wait. Now suddenly Edward, after going out of his way to ignore Bella, is suddenly desperate to talk to her. Bella, appropriately, asks if Edward has a multiple personality disorder.

Edward wants to ask Bella a question. He begins by mentioning Saturday, the day of the school dance. Bella immediately cuts him off mid-sentence. Edward asks to be allowed to finish, and Bella has to clasp her hands in order to avoid "doing anything rash."

Wow ... I guess she really hates dancing.

Edward asks Bella if he can give her a ride to Seattle

Wait, whoa, hold up.

Do you mean to tell me ... that all of this pointless meandering I had to read through, the endlessly boring, go-nowhere exposition about dances and Edward's mood-swings, was all just to set up Edward to ask Bella to ride in his Volvo?

... ... ...

... I give up. I quit. This chapter ends here. I am not reading any more of this crap until I've had a few drinks and some time to get over the mind-blowing stupidity!

(a few days later ... literally)

Ugh! I hate leaving things unfinished so I decided to read the rest of this trash so I can at least share my pain with the rest of you. Unfortunately my Kindle automatically saves my place so I can't even delay this under the pretense of losing my spot.

Bella and Edward argue about the trip, and Bella feels a thrill whenever she says Edward's name. Too bad I don't have an ear sex category. Bella points out hey, didn't you say we shouldn't be friends? Edward's response?

"I said it would be better if we weren't friends, not that I didn't want to."


Wait a minute ...

What kind of a moronic thing is that to say? Okay so we know Edward is a vampire and that he said they shouldn't be friends due to his wanting to brutally murder Bella and drink her blood. So, knowing this, he decides to be with her anyway? If Bella were really that important to him, he would have stayed the hell away.

Edward's reason is that it's because he's tired of staying away from her, which just makes him a selfish, self-serving prick. The fact that he gets involved with Bella, knowing full well what he's capable of doing, not only is monumentally irresponsible on Edward's part, it makes him a selfish and crappy boyfriend.

And yes, since at this point they've all but announced that they're together, the Bad Boyfriend category is now open. Here is its first point. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

So Bella finally agrees to go to Seattle with Edward and he walks away, but not before giving these parting words.

"You really should stay away from me," he warned. "I'll see you in class."


...
... ...
... ... ...

WHAT THE FUCK?

I still can't wrap my head around this ... "Stay away" ... "I'll see you in class."

Stay away.

I'll see you in class.

Is Edward off his meds or something? Maybe he really does have a split personality. (+1 Stupidity)

I'm so utterly PISSED right now I wish I could just reach into this book and strangle these people! This has been a long, plodding, boring, pointless throw-away chapter. It's almost entirely comprised of filler and serves little to no purpose whatsoever. Does Meyer suffer from diarrhea of the fingertips? Had this book not seen an editor? There is so much pointless crap I felt like I wanted to attack this beast will a pen and rewrite the whole damn chapter.

I mean really, I would be embarrassed to write something like this. Who green lighted this garbage? What were they thinking? What were YOU thinking when you bought it? What ARE you avid fans thinking? You think this is literature? Has everyone's standards really plummeted so low?

I need a drink. Make it a double.

Final Tally:

+6 Bitch
+5 Stupidity
+2 Thesaurus Rape
+1 Eye Sex
+1 Bad Boyfriend

12 comments:

Hikari said...

I agree with you. What makes fans think that this book is a masterpiece? I tried reading the book, but I couldn't even get past three chapters since I felt like banging my head on the wall because of Bella's stupidity and her shallowness.

bbctol said...

Thank god for this blog. I feel like a hypocrite criticizng Twilight when I've never read it, but I know that to read it would leave irreparable brain damage. Now I can be exposed in small, non-lethal doses, and laughing at your commentary usually prevents me from tearing out vital organs in disgust at Stephanie Meyer's horrible prose, plot, and characters.

Lilly said...

Please continue to post these chapter deconstructions. This is probably my favourite analysis of Twilight that I've read. I love reading your witty comments and appreciate that you suffer through Twilight to provide these hilarious blogs.

sneha said...

I'm sorry you have to go through so much suffering all for us....but these blogs are HILARIOUS....I hope that makes it worthwhile for you :P

Kale said...

And you don't even get to much of the grammar fails! That just shows you how bad the story iExample of grammafail? "I wasn't interesting. And he was. Interesting ... and brilliant ... and mysterious ... and perfect ... and beautiful ... and possibly able to lift full-sized vans with one hand." No one needs that many damn periods.

"I didn't want to ask permission--it set a bad precedent--but I felt rude, so I tacked it on at the end." INAPPROPRIATE USE OF THE DASH!

The said...

After reading everything from chapter 1-4, I must intrude. Even though I liked Twilight (yes I know, how could I? I'm just a sucker for romance, what can I say?) I found your blog very funny.

But I think you've missed the point. Several times you've gone over a few key things over and over again, to such a hilarious extent that I've literally almost died from laughing. But you said that alot of bella reactions well, go against logic, But you have to understand that teenagers do illogical things, and can think quite stupidly compared to a adult. (I'm guessing you are a adult from your thorough analysis). And that perspective means a lot, it can be more important than the actual event. Things happen but can be perceived differently. This is whats happening with Bella (typical teenage thing in my opinion).

Stephenie Meyer does a really good job of imitating the thoughts and speech of a teenager. Teenagers have a habit of trying to say something eloquently but ending up sounding out of context. This isn't a mistake, Stephenie Meyer purposely did this to make it sound like the book was written by Bella, the "teenager".

The fact that Bella does things that are so predictable is proof that the character "stays in character".

A sign of a good novelist is taking on a persona and making it believable, and never breaking character. So I guess an Author is alot like an actor.

Even though most the things you cover over and over again are hilarious and trust me, I've haven't laughed so long/ with so many shortages of breath since watching Liar Liar (starring Jim Carrey).

I think that Bella's flaws are very evident, and think this is purposeful. I really do think that the writer purposely made it so obvious that Bella is a hypocrite, that she doesn't want to be judged yet judges people based on looks. When these flaws are put into writing, it makes it evident so that we may see it and thus learn from it. Perhaps even try to make ourselves a better person.

But even with her flaws Bella still strikes me as a pretty typical teen. I wouldn't call her selfish, just self centered view on things. I do think that she actually does care about people. I also think that yes shes shallow, but then again alot of people secretly judge other people based on looks. Take a hard look at your own life and maybe you'll realize that perhaps you've had a tendency to ignore a certain girl that just so happens to be ugly. Just saying.

But overall I love the blog, and can't wait to read the rest.

notebookmuse said...

I'm really enjoying this blog. Now I don't even have to suffer through the actual reading of the book myself. I can just laugh at your wonderfully witty snarky commentary and still see all the epic fails in the writing.

Ceca Mire said...

*sigh* this is half a year late...

@Kale
Agreed! And speaking of periods... what happens when Bella Bacon Bits gets hers? O_O

@The
Yes, Bella has many flaws. The problem is that these are never pointed out in narration and she never faces any consequences for them. She acts like a teenager (or younger), yes, but I think I recall Meyer saying that she was supposed to be mature for her age? Something about being middle-aged and responsible?

Justin said...

to whoever said teenagers think like how mayer described it in Twiright-

Only shallow ones do. Any teenager with even remotely any dream of grabbing a high paying job and living a successful life wouldn't think like that.
OMGLOLZ edward UR SKINZ SPARKLZ!! ITZ SO HAWTZ!!!
-That girl is going to spend the rest of her life behind the counter at mcdonalds or being a baby popping, welfare eating bitch. Or a trophy wife perhaps. And exceptions aren't majority case...so there you have it.

Whatever happened to witch hunting?? I could sure do with some - BURN HER!!! BURN HER WITH FIRE!!!

kitsune9tailed said...

@This general argument many Twilight fans make excusing Bella as a "normal teen":

I've heard this excuse for Bella's sociopathic behavior too many times now, and don't buy it. Some teens are illogical, sure. They are often selfish, sometimes hypocritical, and they try too hard to fit in. They want to be accepted by their peers, their parents, and themselves.

But Bella has acceptance from her parents and peers, yet rejects it. She complains about being ostracized for being LOLclumsy and not a supermodel, yet she constantly belittles people (some in the "popular crowd") trying to accept her as she is. She whines about popular girls always picking on her, yet constantly belittles the popular Jessica, who appears to be genuinely nice and accepting. Then she constantly belittles Eric, the socially-unaccepted nerd boy who she SHOULD relate most closely too.

This shows a complete lack of empathy. She has no concept of ramifications from her actions (Leaving Jessica to be raped by thugs = Jessica doesn't like me = why??), and cannot seem to relate to other people's thinking. These are symptomatic of a major sociological disorder. The kind serial killers often display in their youths.

And above all: Meyer has set her up (and trumpets her IRL) as a "prime heroine", a "strong female protagonist", and a "good role model". This is wrong and dangerous when girls believe this. Bella acts like SOME teens: the cruelest, meanest, most spiteful jerks present in all high schools. Meyer is glorifying the stereotypical "mean girl" we all hated with a passion.

Funny how those "mean girls" that made fun of Meyer in high school (the ones she was trying to get back at with Rosalie, Jessica, and Lauren) are actually more well-adjusted than her self-insert protagonist she touts as the "prime role model" for teenage girls.

tldr; There is no evidence on the page to suggest Bella thinks like anything but a sociopathic, manipulative, stereotypical "mean girl".

Celticwolf said...

@Kitsune9tailed

Amen.

HMSaph said...

I can see that you're getting angrier and angrier with each chapter, and I understand. How the FUCK does anyone come up with such a horrible excuse for a main character? At least Ebenezer Scrooge was well-written, had character development and changed his ways and became a good person.

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