Twilight - Chapter Eight

I'm stalking you and I feel the urge to murder people. It's sexy, not creepy!

It turns out that even Meyer's supporting characters can be super special awesome, because Jessica makes the drive to Port Angeles by 4 o'clock, something that shouldn't be possible unless they got out of school early or something. Bella says it's because Jessica drives faster than her fath--my mistake, the chief, but that is bullshit and Meyer knows it. How do these people drive so fast without ever getting pulled over anyway? Does anyone in Forks ever get a speeding ticket? My own dad happens to be a supervisor in the local traffic division. I'm tempted to show him these instances of wanton speeding and see how many times his eyes roll. (+1 Stupidity)

They listen to whiny rock songs (oh the irony!) while Jessica talks about boys, which Bella describes as "jabber." I see Jessica's talking has been promoted from babbling to jabbering in Bella's mind. The girl's moving up in the world. Jessica says her dinner with Mike went very well. I'm glad for that, since it likely means that Mike will no longer waste his time on the stupid bitch that is Bella Swan.

They go to a department store, and everyone is shocked when Bella tells them that she's never been to a dance. Everyone except the audience, that is, considering the extraordinary lengths she went to in order to avoid going to this dance. Bella's friends are all like, "No, YOU? But you're the Mary Sue. Surely a special snowflake like yourself has won beauty pageants!"

Alright, so they don't actually say that. Jessica asks if Bella ever went with a boyfriend, and Bella says no. She's never had a boyfriend or anyone close, and she also didn't go out much. Jessica asks her why, and Bella says it's because nobody ever asked her.

She looked skeptical. "People ask you out here," she reminded me, "and you tell them no."


Wha wha WHAT? A character in this book actually had something observant to say? First Charlie reminded Bella that, yes, he is an adult, and now this? Have IQ levels risen sharply around here? I'm so surprised that I'm even willing to overlook how Meyer can never seem to use the words "she said" instead of the myriad other words she uses in place of a simple "she said" (which, by the way, is a notorious mark of amateur writing).

Or maybe not. So far in this chapter, the word "said" hasn't been used. Here are the words that have been used in its place so far.

Asked
Tried to convince her
Demanded
Answered honestly
Reminded me
Amended quietly
Gasped
Informed me with suspicious eyes.

This is part of the reason why these characters are so wooden. In Meyer-Land you're not allowed to get a feel for a character by simply observing his or her behavior. Everything has to be spelled out for you. Meyer, your writing lacks subtlety. You can't just have your characters announce how they feel. THAT MAKES ME FEEL ANGRY!

Where was I? Oh, right. It turns out that Meyer needed Jessica to mention that so she can transition to the subject of Tyler. In a rare bit of actual continuity, Jessica tells Bella that Tyler has been telling everyone that he's taking her to the prom. If you'll recall, when Bella shot Tyler down for the dance in chapter four he had mentioned that there's always the prom. It seems Tyler took Bella's shocked reaction for a yes.

"that's why Lauren doesn't like you," Jessica giggled while we pawed through the clothes.




It's funny how this is the supposed reason that Lauren doesn't like Bella, and yet this hasn't been either mentioned or alluded to until just now. In fact, every word out of Lauren's mouth has been about only one subject: the Cullens. That is the only thing she really talked about. Why doesn't Bella just sit with the Cullens from now on? You invited the Cullens to La Push, didn't you? Stuff like that. Lauren's anger had a very specific focus, and that focus was Bella being too buddy-buddy with Edward at the expense of the rest of her friends.

But I suppose Meyer can't have characters with actual depth, so she chooses to go the stereotypical route and make it all about a man. Forget all that other stuff Lauren said, it's all about a MAN. Never mind that it directly contradicts everything that's already been established. Once again Meyer is telling us that a character is a certain way, with the actual character demonstrating the opposite in the scenes she's actually in. This example is as blatant as if Meyer said Lauren was bad at math after a scene in which she flawlessly did advanced calculus.

Also, why is it Angela who says she didn't believe it was true? You'd think Jessica would have remembered that it was Bella who suggested that Tyler and Lauren go out in the first place. You might also think that Jessica would care to mention this fact to Lauren if that were the real reason. Can't this woman get her story straight? (+1 Stupidity)

This piece of information upsets Bella, who ...

My goodness, how do I even begin to describe this? Any hope I had for Bella actually maturing as a character fled the moment she said these next words. I suppose I should just quote them and get it over with, as much as I hate to have to actually type this out so I can show it to you.

I ground my teeth. "Do you think that if I ran him over with my truck he would stop feeling guilty about the accident? That he might give up on making amends and call it even?"


What

The

FUCK?

That is such a HORRIBLE thing to say! I think this may actually be the most mean-spirited, self-centered, downright inhuman thing Bella has said so far. I mean ... can someone be so much of a bitch that she can so carelessly trivialize another person's feelings? The guy ALMOST KILLED HER! I accept that telling people he's taking Bella to the prom was presumptuous and stupid on Tyler's part, but that doesn't excuse saying something like that.

How can she blame someone for wanting to make up for nearly ending her life? It is a natural reaction for anyone to have. I'd have been worried if Tyler DIDN'T feel bad about it. Bella shares the blame for this as well. If she had just let Tyler do something nice for her instead of ignoring him, he may not have been desperate to take her to the prom.

FUCK YOU, BELLA FUCKING SWAN!



Once again Bella has proven herself to be such a monstrous bitch that I am awarding her double bitch points. (+2 Bitch)

What's worse is that nobody objects to this. Jessica just snickers and says that maybe it would work. Is everyone out of their minds? What disturbs me even more is that, as Meyer's self-insert, it could very well be that Meyer herself agrees with Bella's feelings on the subject. This is one of the many reasons why seeing legions of fans praising Bella as if she's some kind of saint makes me lose faith in humanity.

Bella is now in full bitch mode, fuming as her friends try on dresses. I want to bitch smack this girl so badly that it isn't even funny. Meyer goes on to describe the clothing selections that Angela and Jessica make. I'm actually glad for this overdrawn filler, because it distracts me from my seething anger at Bella for being such a selfish, spoiled brat. It seems Meyer can't even give me that reprieve, because Bella will not ... stop ... whining ... EVER!

The girls'-night-out was wearing off in the wake of my annoyance at Tyler, leaving room for the gloom to move back in.


Room for the gloom? Did Meyer actually think that rhyme was cute? Now Bella's whiny AND angsty! (+1 Wangst)

As if searching for even more ways to piss me off, she moves on to the subject of the Cullens with Angela. You know, that thing that she went on this trip in the first place in order to avoid? She asks if they skip school a lot, and Angela says they do that when the weather is good (meaning sunny). Bella yet again fails to make the connection between sunlight and her vampire research.

After shopping she decides to go to a bookstore. She also chooses to go alone for no adequate reason. Am I the only one who thinks that this screams "contrived plot setup?" She walks over to one bookstore, which turns out to be a new-age store. Even though Bella is not even going to talk to the woman behind the counter, Meyer chooses to describe the book seller's appearance anyway. Um, why? I'm guessing it's solely so Bella can make a snide remark and then go look for a "normal" bookstore.

She wanders around in search of a store. She could, I don't know, maybe ASK someone or call directory assistance, but that would make too much sense. Instead she just walks around in a place she's unfamiliar with on the off chance that she might spot the kind of store she's looking for. Why? Because this is an idiot plot, and the plot requires that Bella act conveniently stupid so that whatever Meyer has in mind can take place. In other words, Meyer is either too lazy or too incompetent to have her story progress from the natural personality and motivations of her characters. Given her track record, I actually think she's both lazy and incompetent.

I wasn't paying as much attention as I should to where I was going ...


A pretty dumb thing to do in a place you're so unfamiliar with that you don't know where the bookstore is. If she knew she was going here and that she might want to shop for books, why didn't she look up an address beforehand? She had even said in chapter two that she needed to look for a bookstore, so it would have made sense for her to do a quick search on the internet or flip through the Yellow Pages. Sorry, I was being logical again.

I was wrestling with despair.


Alright, I get it, she's sad. I understood it the last ten thousand times it was pointed out. Must Meyer constantly beat us over the head with this?

I was trying so hard not to think about him, and what Angela had said ... and more than anything trying to beat down my hopes for Saturday, fearing a disappointment more painful than the rest ...


Oh boo hoo hoo! (+1 Wangst)

If this is what happens when Edward doesn't show up at school for a couple of days, I shudder to think of what might happen if Edward were to go on vacation. I imagine it would look something like this.



When something like this happens in real life it's crazy. When Bella does it, it's romantic. *gag*

Bella spots a silver Volvo--HINT HINT, NUDGE NUDGE. She stomps along in a southerly direction (her words) to look at some more shops. Disappointed at seeing just a repair shop, she decides to turn a few corners and make her way back to the boardwalk. As she reaches the corner she encounters four men who are obviously bad because they're dressed too casually and are dirty. Remember kiddies, you can tell if someone's evil by the style and condition of their clothing alone. Bella tries to avoid them and we get another paragraph describing the sky. Since we'd seen Edward's Volvo already, we also know that this talk about early night and clouds is a setup for our sparkly vampire hero to show up.

Since this whole situation screams plot contrivance, I'll just spill it now. The guys are thugs, which Meyer beats us over the head with by having Bella think about the pepper spray she left at home and the money in her purse. They decide to stalk her for no reason other than because the plot says so and the book needs a setup for Edward to make his grand appearance.

Nothing actually happens, though. Bella is never in any real danger and not one of the men gets to so much as insult her, because heaven forbid that something interesting ever happen in this book. There is an insinuation that something bad is going to happen, but at this point I'm not even sure what that something might have been. The general consensus is that these guys are rapists, but that's never really indicated here. They never insinuate their intentions other than one of them calling Bella "sugar." For all we know they're just muggers, or simply wanted to join the rest of the Twilight hatedom and have a laugh at this dumb girl.

Before anything can even begin to happen, the walking deus ex machina that is Edward speeds into the scene in his Volvo. He pulls an action movie stunt and sends his car to a halt in front of Bella, the passenger door open for her to get inside. She briefly describes how wonderful it is to be rescued like the damsel in distress that she is before she gets in.

That's it? All of that buildup and no payoff? None of the men get to do anything? The situation never escalates to where we actually get to see Bella in peril? We don't even get to see Edward kick some creepy stalker ass, because only HE is allowed to stalk Bella, damn it! Meyer came so close to creating some actual conflict, but she had to go and pour water on the firecracker before the fuse had even been lit. I feel ripped off, and not for the first time reading this book. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella basks a little more in the delight of being rescued and then notices that Edward seems very angry. Well I suppose that's understandable, given what almost happened. Well ... I don't know what almost happened, but it was going to be really bad apparently.

Edward asks Bella to talk about something until he calms down. What does Bella decide to talk about? How pissed off she is at Tyler, of course. She spins her theory about how she thinks she should total his car and try to kill him with her truck. Suddenly I almost wish that she were gang raped. (+1 Bitch)

Edward admits that he has anger management issues and is trying not to hunt down Bella's would be ... muggers? Rapists? Name callers? Whatever they were. Edward doesn't seem to know what they were either, because he stops short of describing them. Bella mentions that Angela and Jessica are waiting for them, and Edward speeds down the streets into town. He actually weaves through traffic, and ... why doesn't he get pulled over for speeding through a populated tourist section? Is every cop in Washington on a coffee break or something? (+1 Stupidity)

Also, I highly doubt that Edward can be as nimble with his car as described in the book. I don't care how super special awesome he's supposed to be, superhuman reflexes cannot compensate for things like the momentum created by his speed and the coefficient of friction between his tires and the road. Superman himself couldn't do anything too crazy in a regular car without spinning out of control, and the car wouldn't be able to respond to sudden obstacles as quickly as he could. One unexpected vehicle rounding a corner and it doesn't matter how fast you turn the wheel or stomp on the brake pedal. Even for Edward, driving crazy fast is idiotic!

But this is Meyer-Land, so something as inconvenient as the laws of physics simply doesn't apply.

Edward pulls into a parking space that Bella comments looks much too small for his car. This is supposed to make Edward look impressive, but instead it makes me wonder how they're going to get the doors open. If they have room for the doors then the space can't be that small in the first place, so Bella's observation is wrong. Either way, it's more stupidity from Meyer.

Edward stops at a place called "La Bella Italia" (VERY subtle, Meyer!) and Bella sees Jessica and Angela just leaving. At first Bella starts to ask how Edward knew to go there, but instantly forgets. I am not kidding.

"How did you know where ...?" I began, but then I just shook my head.


And people say she's smart BECAUSE?

Edward continues with the whole "I'm angry" bit and orders Bella to stop Jessica and Angela. While exchange pleasantries, Edward unleashes his girly charm on them. Jessica is wooed instantly, but Angela makes her saving throw vs. spells and remains rational. She apologetically mentions that they ate while waiting for Bella to show up. Since they were late despite Edward's insane speeding, this probably means that Bella took too long walking around like a dumb bitch looking for a bookstore instead of asking for directions. Good job on that, by the way.

"That's fine--I'm not hungry." I shrugged.
"I think you should eat something. Edward's voice was low, but full of authority. He looked up at Jessica and spoke slightly louder. "Do you mind if I drive Bella home tonight? That way you won't have to wait while she eats."


That isn't controlling behavior at all on Edward's part. It's perfectly normal for a man to directly contradict his girl in an authoritative tone and then automatically assume that said girl is going to do exactly what he wants. Some people would call that overstepping one's bounds and take it as the first sign of a controlling boyfriend. Those people are sane, and therefore have no place in Meyer-Land. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

Not that Bella objects. Jessica found Edward's behavior weird enough to look at Bella questioningly to determine if this is what she really wants; Bella makes it clear that she wants to be alone with Edward. Being the only person with her head on straight, Angela pulls Jessica away before she can start eye humping Edward. Once they're gone, Bella protests Edward's earlier behavior.

"Honestly, I'm not hungry," I insisted, looking up to scrutinize his face. His expression was unreadable.
"Humor me."
He walked to the door of the restaurant and held it open with an obstinate expression. Obviously, there would be no further discussion. I walked past him into the restaurant with a resigned sigh.


Just in case you thought I might have been overreacting earlier. Once again Sparkledouche completely ignores Bella's wishes and insists on getting his own way. He even openly defies Bella, giving her "an obstinate expression" as if daring her to disobey.

Yes, I know Edward wants Bella to eat out of concern, but this is almost as bad as when Edward wanted Bella to ride home in his Volvo instead of her truck. Like in the parking lot, when he dragged her to his car instead of just stating his case, he is now commanding instead of requesting. It is these nuances of intentions that makes the difference between a concerned boyfriend and a controlling one.

What's worse is that Bella just accepts it. Just like the parking lot incident, she simply goes along with whatever Edward wants without putting up much of a fight. People think this is true love? This relationship, if it can even be called that, is founded on power and control, and is currently only progressed with outright stalking. That is not love!

The host who seats them becomes instantly horny at the sight of Edward and Meyer makes it clear that she is jealous that he is with Bella, because that is the only thing a female can possibly have on her mind. She takes them to one seat and Edward doesn't find it satisfactory.

"Perhaps something more private?" he insisted quietly to the host. I wasn't sure, but it looked like he smoothly handed her a tip. I'd never seen anyone refuse a table except in old movies.


My life must be an old movie, because I've refused a seat several times. If the place isn't too crowded and there's a place I'd rather sit, I'll request it. Sometimes I don't want to sit in a crowded spot or I want a window seat. If Meyer thinks that asking for another seat in a restaurant is old fashioned she is dumber than I thought. And what's with the tip? Bella said that the place wasn't crowded, so there are at least several other available seats. A tip isn't required to get reseated. Meyer tries too hard to make Edward come off as cool and suave, even when it makes no sense. (+1 Stupidity)

We get a little more of the host being aroused by Edward before they finally take a seat. I would buy the whole "Edward is charming" thing if it were a bit more subtle. Meyer's heavy-handed writing gives it all the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the face. Sometimes the best way to say something is to not say it. Meyer seems to think that the only way to get a point across is to beat the reader over the head with it until their eyes bleed.

Bella comments about Edward using his wiles to get what he wants, and she actually uses the word "dazzle" to describe it. At least Meyer used the word "said" for this dialogue, the second time in this chapter by my count. Edward plays dumb about his vampire charm, and then we come to a rather infamous line in the book.

"Do I dazzle you?"


There it is, folks, the line that launched a thousand antis. I wasn't quite sure if this was really in the book at first. This line sounded so ridiculous to me that I assumed it was just made up by the Twilight hatedom, or at the very least was a twisted version of something else Edward said. Well, it looks like I was wrong. Meyer really is that stupid.

Can you imagine walking up to a girl and asking her that? The funny thing is, if you ran into a rabid enough Twihard, it might actually work!

Their waitress arrives, and we get to delight in watching the blatant condescension in Meyer's treatment of her female characters. It's almost like watching a train wreck, except FAR less exciting and much more insulting.

And then our server arrived, her face expectant. The hostess had definitely dished behind the scenes, and this new girl didn't look disappointed. She flipped a strand of short black hair behind one ear and smiled with unnecessary warmth.
"Hello. My name is Amber, and I'll be your server tonight. What can I get you to drink?" I didn't miss that she was speaking only to him.


Was Meyer picked on as a child? She seems to hold a real resentment towards women, constantly casting her female characters as shallow Barbie dolls who can do nothing but gossip about boys and drool over anything with a penis, namely Edward. Twilight reads more like a cynical parody of the female gender than an actual romance story. The fact that the bulk of the fanbase consists of females baffles me. It's like they're being slapped in the face and coming back to say "please, sir, may I have another?"

The two start talking, and Edward seems surprised at how well Bella is taking what just happened. I know I should probably be surprised at this too, but it's been drilled into the readers' heads so much by this point how much of a special snowflake Bella is that I kind of expected that a near rape/mugging/whatever experience wouldn't phase her.

"Well, I'm actually waiting for you to go into shock." His face twisted up into that perfect crooked smile.
"I don't think that will happen," I said after I could breathe again. "I've always been very good at repressing unpleasant things."


Things like that awful father of mine who insists on spending time with me. Did I mention the fishing trips? Oh, those were murder!

How does someone's whole face twist up into a smile? For some reason I keep picturing something not nearly as attractive as what Meyer must have meant.

Edward says that Bella should eat, and in that very instant the waitress shows up with drinks and bread. Cue more of the waitress ogling Edward. Bella orders something and then the waitress goes off to touch herself--I mean, fulfill her order.

"Drink," he ordered.
I sipped my soda obediently ...


This is their relationship, folks. Edward orders Bella, and she obeys. She shivers from the drink ... do people do that? Anyway, Edward notices and takes off his jacket. Seeing a perfect eye-hump opportunity, Bella pounces like a bitch in heat. She describes Edward's clothes and notes his muscular chest. She is so blatant about it that she outright describes it as ogling.

He handed me the jacket, interrupting my ogling.


You like what you see, Bella? All those days at the vampire gym really paid off. (+1 Eye Sex)

After more pointless chatter, Meyer once again feels the need to point out what a special snowflake Bella is. Edward comments about how no normal person could take the situation as well as Bella is. After that, Bella steers the conversation back to Edward. She makes a comment about his eyes, and then tells him that she has a new theory about what he is. The waitress interrupts, panting over Edward, because Meyer just can't help but beat us over the head repeatedly with how handsome Edward supposedly is. I wish we would go back to the rapists; they were more interesting characters.

Bella says that he'll tell Edward her new theory if he'll answer some questions. He agrees, and she decides to start off with an easy one.

I started with the most undemanding, or so I thought. "Why are you in Port Angeles?"


It's quite simple, Bella dear. You see, I've been stalking you ever since you arrived in Forks, even though I constantly said that we should stay far away from each other. You had the audacity to go someplace without my express permission, so naturally I followed you. Oh, I hope you didn't notice the camera in the car. I was, um ... doing research. Filthy, filthy research. Mmmm, boobies. Did I mention that I sneak into your room and watch you sleep at night? You have wonderful taste in panties, by the way.

Edward refuses to admit that he was stalking her and demands the next question. Bella decides to move on.

"Okay then." I glared at him, and continued slowly. "Let's say, hypothetically of course, that ... someone ... could know what people are thinking, read minds, you know--with a few exceptions."


Whoa! Hold on!

Where the holy hell did that come from? Yes she thinks he's a vampire, but how did she make the leap to psychic? I know that Edward really is psychic, but how did Bella reach that conclusion? Bella had no previous indication of this, that I can recall, outside of one extremely vague conversation which provided no reason for Bella to think that. Bella never went through any thought process that might have led her to this conclusion. I don't remember her ever speculating that Edward might be able to read minds until just this instant. This, my friends, is called an ass pull.

Bella speculates that Edward used his psychic powers to find her in time to save her ... hypothetically, of course. This backs Edward into a corner and he debates internally about how much he can tell Bella.

"You can trust me, you know," I murmured. I reached forward, without thinking, to touch his folded hands, but he slid them away minutely, and I pulled my hand back.


OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

First Meyer has Edward's eyes narrow "infinitesimally," and now she's having him slide his hands away "minutely." That "minute" happens to be a synonym for "infinitesimal" is not lost on me, either. If Edward had made a movement that small, Bella wouldn't have been able to notice. Someone PLEASE find Meyer's thesaurus and put the poor thing out of its misery with the business end of a shotgun! (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

As if to ease my irritation with laughter, Edward then calls Bella "observant."

If only text could convey how much I'm laughing right now. I assure you, I am dying. I am actually typing this between laughing fits. Bella, observant? The girl who did research on vampires and couldn't figure out that the Cullens might not show up for school on a sunny day? Oh please!

Edward further points out how special our snowflake is, saying that any danger within a ten mile radius would invariably be drawn to Bella. Apparently she is so special that bad people are magnetically attracted to her. *coughMarySuecough.*

I get it, Meyer. Edward is special, Bella is special, your self-insert and your creepy boy fetish are oh so special. Judging from what I'm seeing here they don't seem "special" in the way that Meyer intends, if you know what I mean.

Bella asks if Edward counts himself as dangerous, and he replies with a single word: "unequivocally." Yeah, you know what I'm going to do now. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

I stretched my hand across the table--ignoring him when he pulled back slightly once more ...


Why didn't Meyer use the word "slightly" the last time he did that? It makes a hell of a lot more sense than "minutely" and is actually the proper word to use in this situation. What, was the word "slightly" not exotic enough the first time?

Moving along. After thanking Edward for saving her again, Edward decides that THIS is the moment to tell Bella that he's been stalking her. "Awkward" doesn't even begin to describe Edward's timing. I mean, seriously, imagine if you were in this situation?

You: Thank you so much for helping me. I'm so grateful!
Douchebag: I've been spying on you from my Volvo.

See? You see how awkward that is? How does Bella take it? Not how you'd expect. If it were me, my response would be something like "wait, what did you just say?" Instead of a rational response like that, Bella is instead delighted.

I wondered if it should bother me that he was following me; instead I felt a surge of pleasure.


How can Bella be okay with this? She could barely tolerate Mike following her to class, and yet she finds the idea of Edward stalking her across towns pleasurable? This is not only stupid, it's hypocritical. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella asks Edward if perhaps her number was up when she was nearly hit by Tyler's van (if only that were so) and Edward has been interfering with fate ever since. Edward's reply?

"Your number was up the first time I met you."


What the hell? What kind of a thing is this to say to someone you just recently met? First he tells Bella that he's stalking her, and now he's saying disturbing, downright threatening things like this. Edward, might I suggest some nice reading material to help with your complete inability to hold a conversation without being creepy?

If Edward really believes what he's saying, if he is truly convinced that he is too dangerous to be around Bella, why doesn't he just stay the hell away? As I pointed out in chapter five, Edward knows fully well that he could end up killing Bella, yet he insists on stalking her. This is not love by a long shot. This is selfish, self-serving lust. The words "love someone enough to let her go" comes to mind. If Edward really loved Bella he would love her too much to endanger her life, and letting her go would be seen as preferable to someday seeing her dead.

This can even work in the book's favor, with Edward struggling to come to grips with his primal vampire nature and embarking on a journey of self-discovery to reconcile his vampirism with his love for Bella. Such a premise would completely redeem this book and might even make a fan out of me. Of course, such a story would require characters with actual depth and a real plot with genuine conflict. You know, like GOOD books have.

Moving on. Edward's words make Bella recall the first time they met. She immediately dismisses her reaction to the memory because she has an incredible amount of trust in Edward, and so feels completely safe around him. What exactly she's basing this trust on, I have no clue. Edward even asks her why she's still even sitting there, but Bella is completely oblivious. Not that it would have mattered anyway. Given Edward's track record, do you really think he'd just let Bella go if she tried to leave? I don't think so.

Edward confesses that he's psychic and had been using his powers to track Bella, which included reading the mind of Jessica. He describes, at length, the exact methods he'd used to locate Bella. He then says that the only reason he didn't kill the thugs was because Bella was there and that the reason he'd had Bella stay with him is because he was afraid that he'd murder them if left alone. Once again, Bella is just that special.

Admitting that you have trouble resisting the temptation to murder people ... very sexy and not creepy at all. Insert massive sarcasm quotes. After that, Edward pays for the dinner and they leave, but not before the waitress gets one last chance to ogle Edward. After a few more paragraphs describing them walking to, then getting into, the Volvo, the chapter finally comes to an end.

Is it normal to have to take Tylenol for a headache after reading a book? Maybe it is the overwhelming inanity of this story or the sheer dullness of reading page after page in which nothing interesting happens. Most likely, though, it's because of all the facepalming I did as I resisted the urge to scream "WHY IS THIS GIRL SO STUPID?"

There are writers with real talent who either never get published or wallow in obscurity, but a rank amateur like Stephanie Meyer becomes an international sensation? God must really have quite the sense of humor. Twilight's popularity can't be because it's a well-written book, there must be a more deep-seated reason. I'm reluctant to think about that for any length of time because I'm afraid that I might conclude that Twilight's very shallowness is its greatest strength, because people in general are just that shallow. My faith in humanity hasn't quite dipped that low yet.

Maybe it's because the bulk of the audience are young and inexperienced, and the Twimoms use the book as an escape from reality and an indulgence of fantasies. I wonder how many people genuinely love this book, and how many are simply jumping on the bandwagon because it's the thing to do.

Either way, I need a drink.

Final Tally:

+6 Stupidity
+3 Bitch
+2 Wangst
+2 Thesaurus Rape
+1 Eye Sex
+1 Bad Boyfriend

17 comments:

Cpt. Robespierre said...

Speaking of Twihards... I gave a friend this link over Facebook and one of her friends went into a lengthy, lengthy rant about how I hadn't even read the book and the author of this blog was determined to hate it and how Bella and Edward really are perfect and if they're not well it's just an innocent book and doesn't provide bad role models for middle school girls because it's just a book. Whew. I know a lost cause when I see it. I didn't bother responding after that.

Cpt. Robespierre said...

(This link meaning to this blog)

The Twilight Snarker said...

lol! Thanks for the story. Fortunately I am not writing this blog to convince fans that the books are bad. As they say at TwilightSucks.com, I'm in it for the lulz.

Kat said...

I think the people who read this blog in earnest already know the books are bad.

I don't know how you've managed to read this far, even for the lulz. I'd have smashed my head against the wall and given myself a concussion long before this point.

Elina said...

I see that the win just keeps coming. It's just incredible that the book has such Stupidity- and Bitch-points already, and you've just done first 8 chapters. I wonder what the final count will be, if this rate keeps up.

Gabby said...

Wonderful blog you have here! A friend of mine gave me this link yesterday, and I've been in hysterics since. I tried reading the books once, but couldn't get past how stupid and bitchy Bella was and how much this book didn't make sense. I am seriously considering doing research on the Twilight phenomenon for one of my classes. I've already got a working correlation between Twilight and bad fanfic authors. Anyway, keep up the great work! I absolutely love reading these!

Izeas GT said...

There's an interesting overview here from someone who likes Twilight, but freely acknowledges how bad it is. So she's in a good position to explain its appeal to the rest of us. She compares it to the literary equivalent of a Twinkie.

Elina said...

Any updates coming soon?

Star said...

Whoa, this is soo funny. My friend told me to look this up, since my friends and I are diehard Twilight haters (or Overcast...lol). Hope you don't get permanently scarred from this utter Twilight trash, that for the life of me I cannot figure out why reading a book about a Meyer's bitchy self-insert and her selfish, manipulating boyfriend lusting after each other is so appealing to readers nowadays...ah, oh where oh have the smart people gone, where oh where could they be...please continue, this is extremely hilairious, breaking down this decade's EPIC FAILURE.

Kale said...

I posted that video of the crazy girlfriend on my facebook... All twilight fans thought that was weird... Hmmm.

TheUnbeholden said...

You may not realize this but most single beautiful women are very quick to make it clear when they are attracted to a guy. Women are still find that being attracted is important as the 'initial' attraction, thats the key word. To a relationship however their are many factors that contribute of course that you cover nicely. and I do find it a little funny how surprised you are about this fact, that the women seem to like Edward. But aside from that another entertaining chapter, and I hope you continue, (hah that crazy girlfriend still has me face palming)

TheUnbeholden said...

Personally I don't believe that vampires can feel lust. At least thats always been the general idea about vampires from most series that I know of (well I haven't read that many but anyways) the fact that you say Edward has lust for Bella just seems strange to me. Immortals can feel love, but lust is a human thing. The vampire equivalent of lust is the desire for blood. And the vampire equivalent of making babies, is giving the mortal some of your blood in order to turn them (or infect them to be more precise). Aside from these 2 niggling things I found strange about your description. But your personal view still stands as the book really doesn't say anything about it either way.

Dri said...

Aw man, I have to try using "Do I dazzle you?" on a girl.

And oh dear god, that poor Europe trip guy and his crazy ass girlfriend.

Also, it is thoroughly amusing and I suggest you try it, to imagine Bella having that same creepy conversation with a guy who looks like Baldrick from Blackadder.

Great reviewing, as always.

RachAEL said...

Dri, please don't try saying that to a girl. Any normal, sensible girl will just stare at you like you're crazy haha.

I'm a girl, and I'm glad that Europe trip guy dumped the gf. she was a sb and he is wise to stay away from her. Freakin' clingy and obsessive...maybe Meyer used that guy's gf as a role model for Bella.

Unfortunately, my friend made me read all 4 books...and I admit I was curious as to what the hype was all about... I finished them all, and I still don't understand.

And twilightsnarker, if you're dying now, you'll be beyond dead by the time you read the second book. Bella just complains the whole time about missing Edward. You thought it was bad if he's gone a couple days...ha hah... just wait til he chooses to leave her. I CAN'T wait to read your commentaries on the next one...if you make it that far.

Anyway, thanks for the laugh! Keep up the good (and sensible) work!!

RachAEL said...

"The words 'love someone enough to let her go' comes to mind. If Edward really loved Bella he would love her too much to endanger her life, and letting her go would be seen as preferable to someday seeing her dead."

That's what happens in the second book, shhh! Don't spoil it!! haha Meyer had nothing else to write about, so she makes Edward finally, and inconveniently, realize this in the next book. yawn.

Brendan Rizza said...

I like pizza

Brendan Rizza said...

I like pizza

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