Twilight - Chapter Fifteen (April Fool's Edition)

In which we finally meet the Cullens.

This chapter is titled "The Cullens", and I assume this means we finally get to meet Edward's much talked about (and talked about, and talked about ...) family. Personally, I'm actually interested in getting some face time with the rest of the Cullen clan. It's about time the other characters actually got some decent screen time in this book.

The chapter begins with Bella waking up and literally throwing herself on Edward when she discovers that he had stayed the night. Here you really get a sense of the love that exists between them. I couldn't help but smile and go "aww" at how positively adorable Bella's reaction is.

Edward tells Bella that Charlie had disabled her truck to prevent her from sneaking out.

"... I have to admit I was disappointed. Is that really all it would take to stop you, if you were determined to go?"

That was awfully mean of Charlie, and I'm sure Edward would never do something like that.

"You're not usually this confused in the morning," he noted.

Aww. Isn't it sweet how he's always there for her when she's asleep? :)

She skips to the bathroom and we get a totally necessary scene in which we get to see her wash her face. Bella notices that Edward's clothes and hair are different and pouts because he'd left to change his clothes the previous night. It really strikes me how much she loves him, feeling the incredible pain of being separated from her precious even for an instant.

Here I have to note Meyer's excellent use of language. When talking about a love as deep and true as that between Bella and Edward, ordinary words just don't suffice. Indeed, there isn't really any words in the English language that can accurately describe their love. Even so, Meyer perseveres and somehow manages to find just the right words to describe the incredible chemistry of her main characters to us. Case in point.

"You are my life now," he answered simply.

Best line ever! Meyer really is a poet. :)

Their conversation is peppered with joking references to Edward's vampirism. No matter how many times these jokes are made I can never get enough of them. It's funny because he's a vampire!

Edward decides it's time for Bella to have breakfast.

He threw me over his stone shoulder, gently, but with a swiftness that left me breathless. I protested as he carried me easily down the stairs, but he ignored me. He sat me right up on a chair.

Hehe, isn't that cute? You just gotta love Edward! He knows when to be a man and take charge!

Edward wants Bella to meet his family and she's worried that they might not like her. Alice may or may not have had a vision of Bella. Turns out they'd been placing bets on when Edward would take Bella to meet them. Edward changes the subject to Bella's cereal when she asks about it. He wants to know if it's any good.

"Well, it's no irritable grizzly ...,"

Are there grizzly bears in the Olympic Peninsula? I'm pretty sure there aren't, but that doesn't matter. Bella and Edward are just so adorable together!

Edward wants Bella to introduce him to her father. Bella tries to dodge the issue, but Edward is not letting it slide this time.

"Are you going to tell Charlie I'm your boyfriend or not?" he demanded.
"Is that what you are?" I suppressed my internal cringe at the thought of Edward and Charlie and the word boyfriend in the same room at the same time.

It is just so sad that Bella has to shoulder this kind of pressure. I mean, she has to put up with her overbearing father, and now that she has the most beautiful boy in existence all to herself she might have to tell her dad about him. If I had to deal with that kind of burden, I wouldn't know what to do!

"But he will need some explanation for why I'm around here so much. I don't want Chief Swan getting a restraining order put on me."

He raises a very good point here. It would be kind of awkward if Charlie started questioning why a strange man was sneaking into her bedroom at night.

What should Bella do? I'm practically sweating as I turn these pages. Will she tell Charlie about Edward? Oh, if only there was a way for her to avoid doing that. I mean, sure Charlie has been nothing but a sweetheart to Bella, but Bella doesn't trust him with this, and I implicitly trust her judgment. I mean, when had Bella ever done something stupid?

Edward gently touches Bella, which makes me feel tingly all over. God I wish Edward were touching me right now!

"Does that make you sad?" I asked
He didn't answer. He stared into my eyes for an immeasurable period of time.

Uh ... what was I saying? Sorry, for a moment there I found myself lost in Edward's gorgeous eyes!

Bella refers to Edward in the narration as her "vampire sweetheart" and then we get this interesting insight.

It was a relief to think the word to myself. I knew I shied away from it intentionally.

I weep for her. How can she, a mere mortal, hope to compare to the godly, statuesque Adonis she's somehow managed to snag? Edward is just so gorgeous!

Then he kisses her on the lips ... and she faints.


... I'll be in my bunk.

They talk about the fainting, Edward wondering if he should take Bella out in that condition. He changes his mind and makes the following observation.

And you're worried, not because you're headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won't approve of you, correct?"

LOL! He got here there! Not only is he incredibly handsome, he's also clever! I think I'm in love!

Bella and Edward drive to the Cullen's place, where we are treated to some beautiful description of the grounds surrounding their abode, which contains no misused words at all!

The house was timeless, graceful, and probably a hundred years old.

Naturally, the Cullens live in a beautiful home.

He took my hand easily, without thinking about it.

Aww! That's so sweet! If only everyone could find a love as amazing as this!

They walk towards the house, Edward rubbing circles into Bella's hand. If I close my eyes and focus hard enough, I can almost feel those same circles on my hand. It is the most amazing feeling in the world. God, I'm so jealous of Bella right now!

So Bella sees Carlisle and Esme ,and their pale beauty is positively stunning. She compares Esme to Snow White, which a description that totally jumps off the page!

Alice shows up and gives Bella a hello peck on the cheek. Her personality is so radiant, a masterpiece of character development!

I was startled to feel Edward stiffen at my side

Mmmm. Edward stiffening. Stiffen for me, pale god! STIFFEN FOR ME!

Jasper shows up, looking extremely gorgeous. He's no Edward, but if given the chance I wouldn't hesitate to dock his ship in my open port.

Bella looks at the piano and we learn that her mother used to play. Not that it matters. What DOES matter is that EDWARD PLAYS THE PIANO TOO!

"No," she laughed. Edward didn't tell you he was musical?"
"No," I glared at his suddenly innocent expression with narrowed eyes. "I should have known, I guess."
Esme raised her delicate eyebrows in confusion.
"Edward can do everything, right?" I explained.

That's our Edward, totally amazing at everything!

"Well, play for her," Esme encouraged.
"You just said showing off was rude," he objected.
"There are exceptions to every rule," she replied.

He's actually going to play?


... the room was filled with a composition so complex, so luxuriant, it was impossible to believe only one set of hands played.

Some celestial event. No - no words. No words to describe it. Poetry! They should've sent a poet. So beautiful. So beautiful... I had no idea.

I ... I ... AAAAAHHHHH!!!

... I just orgasmed.

Edward, in his voice of pure sex, tells Bella that Rosalie is angsty about being a vampire and that she's jealous of Bella.

"Rosalie is jealous of me?" I asked incredulously. I tried to imagine a universe in which someone as breathtaking as Rosalie would have any possible reason to feel jealous of someone like me.

I know, right? How can someone so physically PERFECT possibly have any problems?

He talks some more about the other characters, explaining their reactions and what they think about Bella. Character development at its finest! Sure, we could have THEM tell us these things, but it's so much better for Edward to tell us. That way we get to hear his sweet, sweet voice!

Edward has news for Bella.

"I have to, because I'm going to be a little ... overbearingly protective over the next few days--or weeks--and I wouldn't want you to think I'm naturally a tyrant."

I don't mind at all, Edward! Dominate me! Rule me! I will fear you, love you, do what you say and you will be my slave!

Bella sheds tears. Edward tastes them. Oh my God, that is so fucking HOT!

Edward gives Bella a tour of the house. They stop at a cross and Edward explains Carlisle's backstory and--

I can't take anymore. This is just too much awesome for me to handle in one sitting. I have to lie down. Yes, lie down and picture Edward's perfect, angelic body while I touch myself.


I finally understand what I've been missing! It's not about the plot, or the writing, or the logic. It's all about EDWARD! This is the greatest book ever written!

Now I know how LordKat felt when he played Robot Unicorn Attack!


Jessica said...

Ha! April fools! Am I right? XD

The Twilight Snarker said...

Yup. :)

Rikku Rebeca said...

-high fives-

I loved that Firefly reference xD and great post as always!

Happy April Fools :3

Rachel said...

Lol. Pure Genius. I got the Labyrinth reference. Happy April Fools day to you, too XD

Anonymous said...

Your blog is my life now.

Anonymous said...

This made me laugh. I got the Labyrinth and Firefly references, but honestly every time I see anything Twilight-related I'll only be able to hear Bella saying, " precioussssssssss..." Gee, thanks for that... ;)

TheUnbeholden said...

Wow thats alot of sarcasm...
I missed the Labyrinth reference :(. Also whats Firefly? You mean the tv series?

Big Bad Blog Writer said...

OMG... you were in fine form with this one. I laughed all the way through.

Lin-chan said...

Love the Labyrinth reference. You know, Edward is kinda like Jared, only in the sense that he's a bit abusive and twisted. At least David Bowie had musical talent.

Paul F. McDonald said...

Loved the Contact references. They should have sent a poet, indeed. Fortunately we have you. Rock on.

alchemic_reaction said...

I love your blog!! I read the entire thing in one night - you had me up until past 1am laughing my butt off. You and SatireKnight even inspired me to start my own anti-twilight blog. More ppl need to realise how atrocious this series truly is xD

I'm really looking forward to your next dose of snark - and I was very sorry to read about the difficulties in your personal life. I sincerely hope things get better for you x

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