I am Number Four - Summarized.

For those of you who may be interested in I Am Number Four let me give you the gist of the book.

Hello, I am Number Four, but you can call me John. I'm on the run from evil aliens with absolutely no redeeming qualities who go around destroying worlds for natural resources, and that is SO not meant as a heavy-handed environmental commentary. Marvel at the pure pureness of absolute purity that is my race. We live in harmony with nature, so much that our planet gave us uber cool superpowers! WHY AREN'T YOU AN ENVIRONMENTALIST YET?

Anyway, we have to constantly be on the move lest the evil aliens find me, because even though they utterly obliterated a planet full of superpowered people, nine kids apparently pose a serious threat to them. Also, thanks to the power of plot devices we can only be killed in numerical order. I'm next on the list, so I must be extra careful from now on! Got that? Good. Now forget all about it, because for the next few hundred pages it's not going to matter.

Since it is absolutely necessary for me to be as under the radar as possible, it makes perfect sense that I attend high school. Apparently home schooling doesn't exist in this book. Now we get to meet our high school cliches. Socially awkward geek? Check. Pretty cheerleader? Check (oh, wait, she's an ex-cheerleader. ORIGINALITY FTW!). Angry jock (who, of course, used to date the cheerleader) who is an absolute jerk for seemingly no other reason than because he's a jock? Oh God, is that a check!

Dang, that girl sure is purdy. I think I'll start dating her.

(200 pages later)

Um ... weren't there supposed to be evil aliens or something? Oh well, that probably wasn't important. Oh look, isn't my girlfriend just the most precious thing in the world? I AM IN TEH TWU WUV!

(Several dates later)

Wow! Something interesting happened at last. Henri, my mentor, decided to walk into a trap that was so obvious that we had to lampshade it so it doesn't seem completely ridiculous. We just narrowly escaped the clutches of the evil aliens, who will surely be coming to this area in force now that they're certain that I'm nearby. I guess that means we should leave like we always do. HA HA! What, are you kidding? I have a girlfriend now, so obviously I have to stay and put all of our lives in jeopardy so I can continue kissing her and making googly eyes. TWU WUV FTW!

Oh no! A series of convenient plot contrivances has placed my girlfriend in a burning house! Luckily it just so happens that my body is immune to fire. CONTRIVED PLOT FTW!

Now she knows I'm an alien and the news is onto me. Surely I must leave now, right? Nah, I'm sure it will all blow over. Oh no! My superhuman feats at the house are now public knowledge, and it is now 100% certain that the evil aliens know EXACTLY where to find me! Surely I must leave now, right? Well, I suppose ... after I run to my girlfriend for a goodbye kiss. What are the chances that I'll end up leading them directly to her?

Evil Aliens: Sup!

OH NO! THIS HAS COME COMPLETELY OUT OF NOWHERE!

Wait, you guys show up NOW? The book's almost over! What do you think this is, Spider-Man 3?

Evil Aliens: Yeah, you'd think we'd have a little more impact on the plot than this. Oh well. Prepare to die, hippy!

I hope you enjoy this battle scene, because it is the only decent part of the book.

Oh no, I am in a hopeless situation and am about to die! Yippy, I am conveniently saved at the last second!

Oh no, I am in a hopeless situation and am about to die! Yippy, I am conveniently saved at the last second!

Oh no, I am in a hopeless situation and am about to die! Yippy, I am conveniently saved at the last second!

Oh no, I am in a hopeless situation and am about to die! Yippy, I am conveniently saved at the--wait, am I the only one noticing a pattern here? Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, how much deus ex machina can one book have?

Oh no! Henri is dying for realsies, because since this book has fell off the cliche tree and hit every cliche branch on the way down, we obviously have to have a noble death sequence.

Henri: John ... I am proud of you.

Why? I kind of just got you killed.

Henri: None of this ... *cough* ... was your fault.

Um, actually, all of this is my fault. Literally none of this would be happening if I had just been able to control my hormones.

Henri: Hmmm, hadn't thought about that. Fuck you, John! (dies)

NOOOOOOO!

Oh no, I am in a hopeless situation and am about to die! Yippy, I am conveniently saved at the last second!

Oh, for the love of God! This again?

Now that it's over I have no choice but to leave in order to protect my girlfriend ... a thought that should have occurred to me a LONG time ago, but Henri's death has apparently taught me to stop thinking with my dick.

THE END!

There, I just saved you ten bucks.

Next chapter of Twilight coming soon!

4 comments:

TheUnbeholden said...

ahahah now that I know what the books about I will refrain from reading it. I admit the trailer for the movie was so dam ambiguous (with a bit of super human powers being the only real thing shown) you just have to see the film just to find out what its about. Dam our human curiosity!! The people who like to see some big money special effects and CGI will probably see the film anyway...

TheUnbeholden said...

haha and this has resemblance to twilight due to the teen romance, but the weird thing is both the book and unfortunately the movie also focuses on this plot and makes the sci-fiction theme almost non-existent until the ending. The teen angst/awkwardness/romance is supposed to be the subplot! In the end its merely a poor sci-fi film, with a plain storyline, geared towards teens and those who love big special effects.

mermaidbia said...

Huh. A friend of mine got obsessed with this story... I shall have to tread carefully around him from now on ;)

But - nine people in numerical order? "9", anyone? Awesome movie, certainly better than this :)

Big Bad Blog Writer said...

So basically an underwritten version of Roswell (the TV series). HAHA.

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