Twilight - Chapter Nine

This book is unconditionally and irrevocably boring.

Ugh! This is going to be painful. You see, this is an Edward-heavy chapter. I've made no secret of my intense dislike of Sparkedouche, so the thought of having to plow through a chapter of him and Bella talking promises to be an assault on the senses. Well, no use bitching about it. May as well just jump in and get this over with.

The chapter begins with Bella pleading with Edward to let her ask one more question. "Plead" is an unnecessarily strong word to use in this case, but this is Twilight so this kind of thing is par for the course. Edward, meanwhile, is portrayed to be so cool that he can drive crazy fast and doesn't even have to pay attention to the road. Reckless endangerment FTW!

He agrees to an additional question and Bella asks how Edward knew that she hadn't gone into the book store. Edward says that he followed Bella's smell. How exactly does that work anyway? The human sense of smell isn't strong enough for that, and I don't see how being undead can help. I know this seems like a small nitpick, and in another vampire story I wouldn't think twice about it, but Twilight is different. You see, Stephanie Meyer herself has claimed that HER vampires are based on science rather than mysticism. That claim changes the entire game.

It's one thing to write a story with magical, follows-its-own-rules vampires, but when you try to bring science into the equation it raises a ton of questions that you'd better be able to explain. I could sit here and describe all the ways that Meyerpires are a scientific impossibility but I don't have to. Much of the work has already been done in this brilliantly detailed essay on how Meyer's "scientific" vampires are complete bullshit.

Moving on. Bella decides, and rightfully so, to keep pressing Edward now that he is finally giving her answers. She points out that he hadn't answered one of her earlier questions, the one about the mind-reading. You know, the question that Bella had just pulled out of her ass last chapter?

"How does it work--the mind-reading thing? Can you read anybody's mind, anywhere? How do you do it? Can the rest of your family ...?" I felt silly, asking for clarification on make-believe.


Wait! Hold on one bloody second! Make-believe? As I pointed out last chapter, Bella had pulled the mind-reading question out of thin air, with no explanation given for how she came to that conclusion about Edward. After all, she'd never previously thought of Edward as psychic and no real clue had been given to point her in that direction. It came straight out of her ass. Given this, I am likely to believe that when Bella says "make-believe" she means "I made the whole thing up" as well as "psychic powers do not exist."

There are several ways this can be taken. Bella is either so super special awesome that she deduced Edward's psychic abilities with zero evidence to work with, that she took a random guess and got lucky (again, because she's so super special awesome), or, and I think this one is most likely, Meyer messed up and had her self-insert ask about mind-reading, forgetting that the characters in her book aren't supposed to automatically know everything she knows. In either case, this is more sloppiness from Meyer. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward gripes that that is more than one question, but answers. He explains that only he can read minds and that he has to be "fairly close" to someone in order to read his or her thoughts. However, the more "familiar" one's mental voice is, the further away he can hear it. Even so, no more than a few miles ... a few miles isn't "fairly close" so I assume that only applies to familiar voices.

Edward makes a fairly believable case for how his psychic powers work, describing it as being in a room full of people talking at once. I have no complaints here, though how psychic powers are possible in a "scientific" vampire is beyond me. I'll just go with it, since I don't want to be here all day pointing out the implausibility of that. Why on Earth did Meyer have to claim to base her vamps on science when they have superpowers? What, vampires burning in the sun sounds too mystical to Meyer (she's said so herself) but mind-reading doesn't?

Bella asks Edward why he can't read her mind, which makes this even more ridiculous when you consider that not only had Bella concluded that Edward is psychic, but also correctly guessed a very specific limitation to his power. All of this with no real evidence to work with and no deliberation on the matter that we've seen. Move over Sherlock Holmes, Bella "Mary Sue" Swan makes you look like a novice.

Edward isn't sure why, but speculates that perhaps Bella's mind works differently from an average person's, which is Sue talk for "because you're just that special!" While there is no real explanation for this in the books, Meyer has gone on record as saying that it's because Bella has a "private mind," whatever that's supposed to mean. I think a more likely explanation is that Bella's mind can't be read because girlfriend ain't got nothing going on upstairs.

Because Bella cannot resist the urge to make everything about her, she then proceeds to whine that she's a freak because her mind can't be read. In a rare moment when I actually agree with Edward, he comes back with this.

"I hear voices in my mind and you're worried that you're the freak," he laughed. "Don't worry, it's just a theory. ..." His face tightened. "Which brings us back to you."


Edward begins to press Bella to answer his question, but then Bella looks at the speedometer and curses ... at least, she utters what passes for a curse in this book.

"Holy crow!" I shouted. "Slow down!"


Holy crow? HOLY FUCKING CROW? Dear God, that's lame. I would have even settled for a "holy cow" out of her, but "holy crow?" I have nothing against authors who don't want their characters to swear, especially in young adult literature, but if you're going to put in a substitute for an expletive I expect something that doesn't sound like Ned Flanders should be saying it. (+1 Stupidity)

The source of the sacred crows is the fact that Edward is driving at 100 MPH. Factor in how, as has been established earlier, Edward is not really paying attention to the road and you can see why Bella is not exactly thrilled by this. One silly paragraph later, in which the wilderness is likened to a wall of steel (so stupid!), and Edward treats Bella like a child, rolling his eyes at her for having a problem with being in a car driving at 100 MPH with a guy who's not even paying attention to the road.

"Relax, Bella." He rolled his eyes, still not slowing.
"Are you trying to kill us?" I demanded.


And now I'm agreeing with Bella. I don't care how super special awesome Edward is supposed to be, driving crazy fast is just plain idiotic, to say nothing of the danger he is introducing to himself and everyone around him. Aren't Edward and his family trying to blend in with the locals? Yeah, because nothing says "inconspicuous" like speeding through the streets like a maniac.

"We're not going to crash."
I tried to modulate my voice. "Why are you in such a hurry?"


I see that the thesaurus is still getting a good anal reaming. Technically "modulate" is not the wrong word, but in this context it is ridiculous. Meyer's problem is that she selects words without regard for context. If I were in a car with a speeding maniac I would not try to "modulate" my voice, I would try to "calm" my voice or "control" my tone. Those words work because by attempting to "calm" or "control" my voice it implies that it is neither calm nor controlled, which reflects the panic I'd naturally be feeling in that situation.

The word "modulate" does not work because it has no such connotation. Modulating is more commonly something you do to an instrument or a frequency, or to your own voice in the context of singing. It is a technical term which is out of place in an emotional situation. The way Meyer uses it here, it makes Bella sound like a robot. Got that? Great. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

"I always drive like this." He turned and smiled crookedly at me.
"Keep your eyes on the road!"


Yes, Edward, keep your eyes on the road and off of Bella's breasts. I was going to ask, once again, where the police are, but now Meyer attempts to explain why nobody in this book gets pulled over.

"I've never been in an accident, Bella--I've never even gotten a ticket." He grinned and tapped his forehead. "Built-in radar detector."


I said that Meyer ATTEMPTS to explain, not that she does so successfully. I am now going to list all of the things that are wrong with that statement.

1. Radar detector? Last time I checked, machines don't have minds. Psychic powers would do no good against a radar gun.

2. Even if Edward meant that he can detect cops, that still doesn't work. Police don't stand around thinking that they're police. Their thoughts would be indistinguishable from that of an average person's. In a populated area, where he'd be hearing everyone's thoughts at once, he'd have a hard time picking out a cop's thoughts from the flood of voices in his head.

3. Even if he catches the odd cop thinking about doing cop things, Edward stated that his powers have a limited range and that he has to be "fairly close" in order to hear a stranger's thoughts. Therefore he would not have enough time to react before being detected, especially if he's going 100 MPH. He wouldn't have enough time to slow down to the current speed limit.

4. Inanimate objects also don't have minds. Even for Edward, taking his eyes off the road while speeding is incredibly stupid. One unexpected obstacle such as a fallen tree, a damaged road, etc, and he'll have one hell of a repair bill on his hands.

5. Even with psychic powers, it takes only one moment of distraction to cause a fatal car crash or run over a pedestrian. Just one moment in which he notices too late and lives will be lost. It doesn't matter that he has super special awesome sparklepire reflexes. The ability of his car to react to his input would be the limiting factor, so even with all his super speed he would not be able to stop his car in time. Pesky laws of physics.

6. Given how often we've seen Edward not paying attention and taking his eyes off of the road, numbers 4 and 5 are looking increasingly likely to happen.

As you can see, Meyer is so full of bullshit that her blood should be packaged and sold as fertilizer. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella point out that her father is a cop and that she was raised to obey traffic laws. Given her feelings towards her father, this is less of a sign of respect for Charlie and more of an excuse to get Edward to slow down. She further says that if they do get into a car crash, Edward could probably walk away. Edward agrees and realizes that Bella, puny human that she is, would not be able to do the same. He finally slows down, but only to 80 MPH. Edward complains that he hates driving "slow."

Remember kiddies, traffic laws are for losers. It's cool to do 100 MPH while barely paying attention to the road. God will give you a beer when you meet him in Heaven. Get it? Because you'd be dead. Har har har!

Edward snaps at Bella for commenting on his driving and asks her to tell him her latest theory. He looks at her with eyes made of honey.

I bit my lip. He looked down at me, his honey eyes unexpectedly gentle.


Where's Winnie the Pooh when you need him? Get it? Eyes made of honey? Pooh loves to eat honey? HAR HAR HAR!

*SLAP*

Ow! Okay, I'll stop explaining the jokes now.

Bella says that she's afraid that Edward will be angry with her if she tells. Considering that Bella had just told Edward that he has psychic powers, I don't think vampirism is that big of a stretch. I mean, if this were a "I must kill you because you know too much" kind of situation, Bella's mangled body would be lying in the woods by now. Edward coaxes Bella into starting her story from the beginning, and this gets Bella started. Get comfy, folks, because this is the part where we get to recap the events of La Push in excruciating detail.

Gee golly, nonsense conversation and a re-treading of an event that happened a short while ago. ISN'T THIS EXCITING?

"We went for a walk--" I edited all my scheming out of the story ...


Indeed. Can't have your boy toy know that you've been flirting with other boys behind his back. I don't know why Bella bothers. Given Edward's track record, the story of how Bella manipulated an innocent boy's feelings and used him to get information would probably just make him laugh. Did I mention that Bella is a bitch? (+1 Bitch)

Bella tells Edward about the stuff Jacob told him, even though Bella had promised him that she would keep it a secret. Here is a small excerpt from that chapter to prove it.

"Don't worry, I won't give you away."
"I guess I just violated the treaty," he laughed.
"I'll take it to the grave," I promised, and then I shivered.


The above quote was taken from chapter six. OH, HAR HAR HAR! I see what Meyer did there! Get it? The Cullens are vampires? Bella says she'll "take it to the grave" and shivers? Oh, Meyer, you are such a card. HAR HAR HAR!

*SLAP!*

OW! Okay, I'll really stop it this time. I promise. I'll take this promise ... *winks* ... TO THE GRAVE! HAR HAR HAR!

*PUNCH!*

I needed that. I think this book is actually starting to drain away my sanity.

Anyway, Bella is a lying liar who tells lies. Suddenly developing a conscience, Bella tries to protect Jacob by telling Edward of all the trickery she'd used to get the information out of him. If she was really worried about Jacob she should have, I don't know, actually kept the secret she'd promised to keep.

Hearing that she's tricked Jacob into spilling the beans, Edward laughs. I so totally called that. Didn't I call it? God, Edward is a douchebag. He asks Bella how she tricked him, and she admits that she flirted the information out of him. Still in douche mode, Edward is amused.

"I'd like to have seen that." He chuckled darkly. "And you accused me of dazzling people--poor Jacob Black."


Poor Jacob Black indeed. First he's used and manipulated, and now the tale of how he was used has become Edward chuckle fodder. I bet Edward was that one guy in the theater who laughed when Bambi's mother died. Does this guy spend his days sitting around and dreaming of new ways to be a douche? This is what so many girls think of as perfect boyfriend material?

Edward asks what Bella did after that, and she tells him that she did research on the Internet.

"And did that convince you?" His voice sounded barely interested. But his hands were clamped hard onto the steering wheel.


Isn't that where his hands should be? Also, nice sentence fragment there, putting the "but" after a full stop even though the clause it was introducing doesn't stand on its own. She should have used a comma.

"No, nothing fit. Most of it was kind of silly. And then ..." I stopped.


Really? Nothing fit? We've went over her research in chapter seven, but to spare you from having to go back and read through that again, I'll give you the gist of it.

Here we have Edward, who is pale, beautiful, fast, and strong. In Bella's research (which was a complete bastardization of the vampire mythos) she came across descriptions of vampires that characterized then as "beautiful, pale-skinned humans" and also as "strong and fast." Ring a bell?

I suppose that Bella's completely wrong statement does fall into line with what she'd thought before. When she was doing the research she claimed that nothing fit her criteria for vampires, even though things like "blood drinking" and "immortality" were on her list of vampire attributes. This is also the same girl who, after researching vampires, was shocked when the Cullens didn't show up for school on a sunny day. Bella really is Meyer's self-insert; they both fail epically at research. (+1 Stupidity)

Even Edward is surprised at her stupidity.

"What?"
"I decided it didn't matter," I whispered.
"It didn't matter?" His tone made me look up--I had finally broken through his carefully composed mask. His face was incredulous, with just a hint of the anger I'd feared.
"No," I said softly. "It doesn't matter to me what you are."
A hard, mocking edge entered his voice. "You don't care if I'm a monster? If I'm not human?"


Please, please, PLEASE let this just be a ploy to get Edward to come out of his shell. I beg you, Stephanie Meyer, don't make Bella THAT stupid! (+1 Stupidity)

As I said, even Edward thinks this is stupid. He calls Bella insane, and this is the third time I find myself agreeing with one of the characters. This is a new record for me. Bella asks him about his age, and Edward admits that he's been seventeen years old for "a while." The next part of the conversation is all about establishing that her vampires are different.

Bella is taking this a LOT better than she should. The real problem I have with this whole chapter is that it is sucking any possibility of an actual plot out of this book. I mentioned earlier (chapter seven) that how Bella learns of Edward's vampirism could have been a major driving force for this book. Imagine Bella suspecting that Edward is a vampire and searching for proof to back her up, knowing that she should probably leave it alone but unable to resist the dark allure of this mysterious stranger. THAT would make a damn good read. Instead, here is how it went.

Jacob: The Cullens are totally vampires, and I will now not-so-subtly hint that my tribe are werewolves. I shouldn't be telling you this, but I'm a male, and in this book men have the brains of chimps and would sell their very souls for the slightest promise of boob. Oops, I just broke my tribe's sacred treaty that I am sworn to uphold. Oh, butter fingers!

Bella: I will now do research on the internet, somehow blame Forks for the research not being what I wanted it to be, and then have an emo moment in the forest.

Edward: Yes, I am totally a vampire, and also I have psychic powers. I should probably try to deny this, but you did research on the internet and listened to a story told by some kid you haven't seen in years. How can I possibly fight that? Oops, I just broke my family's pact to protect our terrible secret. Oh, butter fingers!

With such epic secret-keeping skills, it's a wonder that Forks hasn't received a social call from Van Helsing.

This book's true crime is that it has so much potential to be a good book, possibly even a great book, but it shoots its narrative load in the first few chapters so that there's nothing left to carry the story through the rest of the book. It squanders and ignores any chance to make the story the least bit interesting. Meyer is not a writer, she is a no-talent amateur who wouldn't know a good story if it sodomized her at a cocktail party.

Moving on. Edward points out that Bella hasn't yet asked the most important question. It should be fairly obvious to anyone over the age of 10, but Bella is stumped.

"You aren't concerned about my diet?" he asked sarcastically.
"Oh," I murmured, "that."
"Yes, that." His voice was bleak. "Don't you want to know if I drink blood?"


And people say this girl is smart BECAUSE? (+1 Stupidity)

Meyer constantly searches out the strongest, most dramatic-sounding words to describe even the simplest of things. Bella is never just sad, she is "spiraling down into misery." She is never merely disappointed, she is "trapped in desolation" or some such. In this case, Edward isn't merely sad or nervous, he is "bleak." Words like these are so overused that, for me at least, they lose their impact. Now everything that happens in this book fails to elicit much more than a "meh" from me. The closest I get to feeling anything about this book is irritation at Bella's stupidity and general bitchiness, and outrage at Edward's abusive behavior. Does soul-crushing boredom count as an emotional reaction? I get plenty of that, too.

Bella is not done ratting out Jacob, because she now tells Edward about how he'd told her that the Cullens don't hunt humans. Sensing the perfect opportunity to play up his bad boy persona, Edward goes on about how he is dangerous and, ooh, it is such a mistake for him to be alone with her.

Really, he says that.

"We try," he explained slowly. "We're usually very good at what we do. Sometimes we make mistakes. Me, for example, allowing myself to be alone with you."


Allow? ALLOW!?

*bangs head on desk*

I apologize for the caps lock rape to follow.

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO FUCKING STALKED HER ACROSS TOWNS YOU CREEPY, AMNESIC, VAMPIRE DOUCHEBAG! ALLOW? YOU FUCKING FOLLOWED HER, DISMISSED HER FRIENDS, AND PRACTICALLY DEMANDED TO BE ALONE WITH HER! GOD DAMN I HATE YOU!



"This is a mistake?" I heard the sadness in my voice, but I didn't know if he could as well.


I find it funny that Bella rags on Mike for escorting her to class and inviting her on trips, calling him a dog, and then she turns around and acts even worse when it comes to Edward. Hypocrite, much?

"A very dangerous one," he murmured.


And yet HE KEEPS STALKING HER! I would be much more sympathetic if Edward had actually tried to protect Bella from himself but she refused to leave him alone. It's the opposite here. For all of Bella's whining whenever Edward doesn't come to class, she at least keeps her obsession to herself. Edward follows her around, sneaks into her bedroom at night, becomes possessive and abusive whenever they're together, and then he turns around and acts as if it's not his fault. He stalks Bella and then says "stay away" as if that somehow makes him conscientious. IT DOESN'T! It makes him a low-life hypocritical stalker who has absolutely no control over his undead penis. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

Bella describes the headlights in a way that makes absolutely no sense.

I watched the headlights twist with the curves of the road. They moved too fast; it didn't look real, it looked like a video game.


Has Meyer ever actually played a video game? Also, how can light move too fast? It's LIGHT! Nothing in the known universe moves faster than light.

Bella becomes desperate when she realizes that their conversation might actually end. With all the composure of a crack addict begging for another fix, she begs Edward to say something else.

His words hinted at an end, and I recoiled from the idea. I couldn't waste one minute I had with him.
"Tell me more," I asked desperately, not caring what he said, just so I could hear his voice again.


And MIKE is the pathetic dog? Even Edward is surprised by this outburst.

He looked at me quickly, startled by the change in my tone.


Bella is so desperate that she actually starts shedding tears and getting depressed.

The creepiness levels are rising sharply. I can understand wanting to spend time with someone, but this is how serial killer movies start. Really, Meyer, this is not romantic. People get psychiatric help for this kind of overly dependant behavior.

She asks why the vampires feed on animals instead of people. Edward says it's because they don't want to be monsters. Not exactly the mentality one would expect from a vampire, an undead being who is not human. To a vampire, humans ARE animals. They are food, and you don't fall in love with your dinner.

I weep for the fate that has befallen the vampire. They went from dark and deadly creatures of the night to "vegetarian" emo kids that sparkle. They went from hanging out in castles and crypts to attending high school and shopping at Hot Topic. Why is it that our horror monsters are being wussified? Vampires are sparkly sex objects, and you can't call a zombie a zombie; they prefer to be called "the infected." What's next, will they have Freddie Krueger talk out his issues over tea and crumpets?

I digress. Speaking of vegetarians, Edward explains the reference here. I have to say, the way he puts it does make sense to me. I still think applying the term "vegetarian" to vampires is idiotic, but as a joking analogy for how animal blood doesn't satisfy them it does make sense. I just wish Meyer had chosen an analogy that didn't make vampires look like pussies.

Edward tries to keep up his bad boy image, including veiled threats in his answers to Bella. Okay, I get it, he's dangerous, even though he hasn't done a single thing to prove how dangerous he is outside of acting like a creepy stalker dickhead. Just give it a rest, Meyer. You don't have to say "he's dangerous" several times a page to make the point.

"But you're not hungry now," I said confidently--stating, not asking.


How much of an amateur is Meyer? Of course we know that she's making a statement and not a question. You'd think that the absence of a question mark in that sentence would have been a dead giveaway. Get it? "Dead" giveaway ... because she's talking to a ... *sigh*

I'm too tired of this book to even do that joke.

Edward once again calls Bella observant, and it is no less funny now than it was last chapter. Edward had to bring up blood drinking in this conversation about vampires, and Bella is the observant one? Edward laughs, and Bella commits his laugh to memory. That is not obsessive at all.

Bella asks if Edward is going "hunting" with Emmett again. Yes, they're going to have a gay old romp through the wilderness, grasping hold on that meat and sucking the precious fluid from their conquest. That meat will be hard to pursue. They will have to pound that meat furiously before it surrenders its fluid and goes limp.

What? I'm talking about hunting and drinking the blood of animals. GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

Edward says that he didn't want to leave Bella, but that he had to feed in order to maintain control around her. Bella asks why he didn't want to leave.

"It makes me ... anxious ... to be away from you."


This from the person who constantly says that it's such a big mistake for them to be near each other and that they should stay away. Does this guy have a split personality or something? Clearly he has no intention of taking his own advice, or of allowing Bella to take his advice. Even if she did try to stay away as recommended, Edward would just stalk her anyway.

What does it say that the female lead, at least in Edward's mind, is so completely helpless that he must constantly watch over her as if she were an infant? Oh no, Bella is trying to cross the street all by herself. I must rescue her! Edward points out the muggers/rapists/whatever and the scrapes on Bella hands she got when she tripped as proof. Never mind that both of those things could happen to just about anyone and are not proof of someone being especially clumsy or a danger magnet.

However, this is Twilight so this means that Bella is such a special snowflake that anything bad that could happen will automatically zero in on her, but only in those times when Edward or some other man are within rescuing distance.

Edward says that he got back from having wild monkey sex--I mean, "hunting" with Emmett on Sunday. Bella doesn't like this.

"Then why weren't any of you in school?" I was frustrated, almost angry as I thought of how much disappointment I had suffered because of his absence.


Note the possessiveness of Bella's response, as if the Cullen family are beholden to her and what she personally feels is all their fault. And she thinks MIKE is territorial? It's not their fault that she got depressed because they skipped school. It's Bella's fault for not having a fucking life!

Edward says that they don't go out in the sunlight where people can see. Bella asks why, and he says "I'll show you sometime." Oh, how I dread THAT scene.

"You might have called me," I decided.


With the phone number that she didn't give him? Who am I kidding, Edward probably read their phone bills while he was sneaking into their house.

What is this presumption she has that Edward is obligated to call her anyway? They had barely even spoken to each other at that point, and suddenly Edward has to call her? Moving a little fast aren't you, Bella? (+1 Bitch)

Bella whines that she didn't know where he was, again being overly possessive and dependant.

"What?" His velvety voice was compelling.


JESUS CHRIST ON A UNICYCLE! Even one word replies get the adjective treatment. Sometimes less is more, Meyer. Not everything needs flowery descriptions.

Bella spills her obsessive guts, telling Edward that she can't stand being away from him. This does not please the sparkledouche, because only HE is allowed to be obsessive, damn it!

"Ah," he groaned quietly. "This is wrong."
I couldn't understand his response. "What did I say?"


*opens mouth and raises hand*

Where do we even begin, Bella? I won't go over it now because we've already covered where Bella went wrong.

Edward says that it's one thing for him to be an obsessive stalker douchebag, but he can't have Bella acting the same way. In other words, it's okay for Edward to do things like follow her across town and break into her house at night, but it's wrong if Bella actually starts to reciprocate his feelings.

"It's wrong. It's not safe. I'm dangerous, Bella--please grasp that."


I'm dangerous, Bella (applies hair gel). I'm not safe (puts on mascara). This is wrong (attends pedicure appointment). I'm no good for you (performs in poetry slam). THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER (does fingernails)! Can't you see how intimidating I am? Why aren't you intimidated? I'm a metrosexual vampire. If I lose control I might ... I might ... redecorate your house, and I would SO mess up the feng shui. The horror!

Bella throws a tantrum and she and Edward argue a bit over how dangerous he is.

"Are you crying?" He sounded appalled.


As am I. Appalled, I mean. Not just with the crying, but with this whole book. When will this chapter end already? I've never been so bored in ages. Bella checks her eyes and, I shit you not, the following words are written.

... traitor tears were there, betraying me.


It takes a special kind of bad to unintentionally write a line that sound like it should be an internet meme. (+1 Stupidity)

Oh, and one more for crying. (+1 Wangst)

Edward asks what Bella was thinking about just before he arrived. You know, when she was about to be raped/mugged/bullied or whatever those guys were going to do. What kind of a question is that? How did he notice her expression when he was doing stunts in his Volvo anyway? You'd think that in such a situation he would have bigger things on his mind than what Bella's expression looked like.

After talking a little about the incident they finally reach Forks and Bella wants to know if she'll see Edward tomorrow. He says yes, causing Bella to launch into flowery prose. She returns Edward's jacket, but not before smelling it again. Edward offers her the jacket, but she says that she doesn't want to have to explain it to her fath--I mean, Charlie.

Edward asks for Bella to promise him something, and she agrees.

"Yes," I said, and instantly regretted my unconditional agreement. What if he asked me to stay away from him? I couldn't keep that promise.


I get it, you're obsessed. Can we move on now? Also, I'd hardly think that he would ask that considering that he, just a second ago, promised to save her a seat at lunch. Edward wants Bella to not go into the woods alone. She asks him why.

"I'm not always the most dangerous thing out there. Let's leave it at that."


At this point I find squirrels more threatening than this douchebag. I would more easily buy the whole "I'm dangerous" thing if Meyer actually demonstrated it. Perhaps have Edward momentarily lose control and nearly hurt someone. Just repeating "I'm dangerous" ad nauseam does not make him dangerous. You need to show some evidence. Edward talks a lot of shit, but he doesn't actually DO anything!

It's time for Bella to leave, but not before Edward can get the last word.

"Bella?" I turned and he was leaning toward me, his pale, glorious face just inches from mine. My heart stopped beating.


You have got to be kidding. Her fucking heart stopped beating? Shouldn't she be on the floor suffering from cardiac arrest? (+1 Eye Sex)

"Sleep well," he said. His breath blew in my face, stunning me.


So ... he has chloroform breath?

It was the same exquisite scent that clung to his jacket, but in a more concentrated form.


Are you saying that Edward breathes onto his clothes until they smell like his breath? Or is it that he gargles with cologne? Damn this book is disgusting.

Bella acts as if she'd been drugged as she approaches her house. When she goes inside her fath--damn it, I mean Charlie--comments that she's back early. Apparently it isn't even 8 o'clock yet. Considering that they'd arrived at Port Angeles at 4 that means Bella went dress shopping, wandered around aimlessly (which, if you read back, you'd know took more than an hour by itself), had dinner, and got home (making an hour and a half drive in 20 minutes, by the way) in under 4 hours. That makes perfect sense! (+1 Stupidity)

Charlie asks about the trip, and Bella tries to remember "all the way back" to the dress shopping, even though that had only happened a couple of hours ago. Charlie shows some parental concern, and Bella answers his questions. She goes into the kitchen and describes how exhausted and dizzy she feels, which makes no sense because she hadn't been that physically active for the past couple of hours.

She receives a call from Jessica, and Bella informs her that she left her jacket in her car. Jessica wants to know what happened between her and Edward, but Bella brushes her off with the promise to tell her at school the next day. Meyer describes Jessica as impatient, even though Jessica speaks no words that could be described as such.

She goes upstairs and gets ready for bed. Even though she describes her shower water as so hot that it burns her skin, she is freezing and "shudders violently" for several whole minutes. Being that she'd just spent the last 20 minutes in Edward's car, we can only assume that she's so cold because the douchebag couldn't have been bothered to turn the heater on. She struggles to keep warm, hugging herself to preserve body heat. Wow ... Edward must have turned the air conditioning on instead of the heater. Asshole.

*sigh*

And now comes one of the parts of this book that I've been dreading. The chapter ends with the biggest "fuck you" to sanity and common sense yet.

I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.


Let's get this out of the way first. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Now that we've done that ... WHAT THE FUCK?

I'm sorry, that's just about the only thing I can think of to say right now. What the fuck? Despite the fact that they do not know each other, know next to nothing about each other, and despite the fact that the total amount of time they spent together is about the time it would take to roast a ham, she is now "unconditionally and irrevocably" in love with him? No gradual build up? No getting to know each other? Just BAM, and she's in love? Again, what the fuck? (+1 Stupidity)

God, this book is awful. How does this book get away with being so terrible? That people consider this good writing makes me weep for how low standards have sunk. Words cannot describe my disgust with this book. I keep holding out some hope that this will get better, that something will happen to redeem this book. No such luck.

I need a drink.

Final Tally:

+9 Stupidity
+2 Thesaurus Rape
+2 Bitch
+1 Wangst
+1 Eye Sex
+1 Bad Boyfriend

7 comments:

Lilly said...

I've missed your posts. This was as hilarious as ever. I literally lol'd several times.

melanie said...

Have you seen this before?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZwM3GvaTRM

Elina said...

Great work as always! I almost lost hope and thought that you might have stopped writing this, so I'm happy to have you back! You really make so many good points - I think I have to give your blog's link for some frantic fans. Logic for the win!

Becka said...

You're doing an awesome job here, make me laugh so much! :D

kaiseki-x said...

Although I would loathe to vindicate Meyer and her horrible, horrible story, there is a machine that can detect radar emissions - a Radar Warning Receiver. It can tell you the emitter type (fire control radar or search radar) and what the emitter is actually mounted to (like a Su-27 "Flanker", for example) and whether it is locked on or not. However, it's mostly mounted to aircraft for defense so unless Edward is insinuating he is something like an F-15 it doesn't really work. Also, RWRs make all sort of delightful noises, so if Bella Sue suddenly hears a really annoying beep she knows it's Edward.

TheUnbeholden said...

Gargles cologne... (dies of laughter).

Big Bad Blog Writer said...

I had completely forgotten the bit about Edward's awesome-smelling breath. Good God is that retarded.

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