Twilight - Chapter Fourteen

Meyer takes a big steaming infodump all over the audience.

The scene starts with Edward driving. It appears our super special awesome sparklepire is a pro at driving normally as well as insanely fast.

Like so many things, it seemed to be effortless to him. He barely looked at the road, yet the tires never deviated so much as a centimeter from the center of the lane.

Was Bella hanging from the window with measuring tape the whole time? That has to be pretty awkward. That Edward Cullen, is there nothing he can't do absolutely perfectly? I bet on their way home he performed open-heart surgery with only his fingernails, rescued a kitten from a tree, and vanquished the threat of Sauron from Middle Earth, all while still having time to escort old ladies across the street.

Hmmm. I wonder what an average day in the life of Edward Cullen would look like.



What a guy!

He listens to some music. It's oldies, of course, because Eddykins is old fashioned like that. Bella asks him if he likes 50s music. Um ... what style of music produced during the 50s would that be? You can't just say a decade and expect the other person to know exactly what you're talking about. Edward likes 50s music better than 60s music and doesn't really care for 70s music, but he finds 80s music bearable. Can you be any more vague? Would it have been too much work for Meyer to look up some bands and genres in Wikipedia, then listen to some samples so she could at least drop a few names and pretend to have done actual research? I know Meyer has some kind of personal hatred against research, but is using Google really so hard?

Stephanie Meyer, reading your book is like filling in a crossword puzzle, except not as fun. (+1 Stupidity)

"Are you ever going to tell me how old you are?" I asked, tentative, not wanting to upset his buoyant humor.

My first reaction to this was "WTF, buoyant? It floats?" Yeah, I know, it is technically the right word, but still thesaurus rape. Was a sentence like "didn't want to ruin his good mood" not impressive enough for Meyer? Things like this are fairly common with amateur writers, who may feel a compulsion to show off their brilliance by throwing in exotic words and structuring their sentences in impressive-looking ways. It's not impressive, it just makes you look like an idiot. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Luckily his "buoyant humor" is not disturbed and he "remained unclouded." *sigh* This is going to be a long chapter for me, isn't it?

Bella prods him on the subject of his age.

He sighed, and then looked into my eyes, seeming to forget the road completely for a time.

And as he looked he--

OH MY FUCKING GOD WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE! (+1 Stupidity)

I notice that Meyer constantly points out that Edward is looking at the sun. I wonder what that could mean. Could it be ... symbolism?

And then ... my god, what is this? What on Earth is happening here? We're past the halfway point and now we're finally getting ... backstory? Careful, Meyer, much more of this and you might actually have a plot. To summarize, Edward was born in 1901 and was turned in 1918 at age 17 by Carlisle while dying of Spanish Influenza.

My immediate questions are why did he turn an influenza patient and why Edward in particular? Clearly it wasn't out of compassion for suffering people, or else he would have done it on more than one person during the epidemic.

"But Carlisle has always been the most humane, the most compassionate of us ... I don't think you could find his equal throughout all of history."

Dude, I get that he saved your life and all, but come on. No equal throughout ALL of history? Try to have at least a little perspective.

Edward explains a little more about Carlisle.

"He acted from loneliness. That's usually the reason behind the choice."

So let me get this straight. Carlisle turned Edward not out of compassion, but out of loneliness? I'm sorry, but while I can understand the reasoning behind it, that is not an act of compassion. He chose to turn a person into a vampire, cursing him to a life of blood hunger, simply for his own personal gratification.

So he's lonely, and he chooses for his eternal companion ... a 17 year old pretty boy. Um ... Ho Yay?

"I was the first in Carlisle's family, though he found Esme soon after. She fell from a cliff. They brought her straight to the hospital morgue, though, somehow, her heart was still beating."

What the hell? Meyer, how do I put this gently? *cough*

HOSPITALS DO NOT SEND STILL LIVING PATIENTS STRAIGHT TO THE MORGUE, YOU STUPID BITCH! (+1 Stupidity)

So based on what we know so far, how compassionate is Carlisle? He works as a doctor, that's a plus, but that does not make him better than all the other doctors in the world. He uses his vampirism to selectively turn dying people for the sole purpose of making his own family. Nice for the people he turned, though even a dying person may object to being made undead without having any say in the matter. In particular, someone of strong religious leanings may be a bit distressed at becoming a spawn of Satan, even if it did save him from death. In fact, that might even piss the person off more, being denied a chance at Heaven in order to become an unholy creature of the night who will most certainly go to Hell.

The present day finds Carlisle with more money that God and living it up in an estate while working as a small town doctor. Does he donate a portion of his riches to charity? Does he use his accumulated knowledge and experience to do research into new medical advances that may save lives? No? He buys a private island, but he doesn't build schools or hospitals in the developing world.

While I am not saying that Carlisle is a bad person, he is nowhere near the likes of Norman Borlaug. He is certainly NOT the most compassionate person in all of history by any stretch of the imagination.

Carlisle then turned Rosalie specifically to be Edward's girlfriend. Anyone else see a pattern here? Rosalie then found Emmett about to be killed by a bear. Edward makes a big deal about Rosalie carrying Emmett 100 miles to Carlisle to be turned as if it were the most arduous journey of her life. Normally I would find such a thing impressive, but there is one little thing that kind of saps the drama out of Edward's story.

SHE'S A FUCKING SPARKLEPIRE! She is nigh indestructible, has super strength and super speed, and doesn't tire or get fatigued. Boo fucking hoo. Also, why did she move a critically injured body over 100 miles? Why didn't she take him to the nearest hospital, where doctors could at least have a chance to stabilize him? She could have left him in their care and then called Carlisle to have him come to her. This story makes no sense!

Not that Bella is very touched by this story, as she's more concerned with the "unbearable beauty of his eyes." I'm really glad I haven't eaten recently or else I'd have to buy a new keyboard ... again. (+1 Eye Sex)

Edward says that something in Emmett's eyes gave her the strength to persevere. Well, that and her actual super strength. Did I mention the super strength? It's very strong. He describes their relationship a little more, saying that sometimes they live as husband and wife, but not now since they enrolled in high school. I already pointed out how dumb it is that they attend high school.

He laughed. "I suppose we'll have to go to their wedding in a few years, again."

Who exactly are they putting on this show for? They don't have any friends outside of themselves, they're not very involved with the community, and they pretty much keep to themselves. Edward says that Forks was "perfect," but if they wanted to live incognito a small town isn't the best choice. They'd be better off in a major city where it's easy to disappear into the crowd. If they want to be really hardcore there are PLENTY of places in the USA one can disappear into. Small communities where your nearest neighbor is miles away. There are any number of areas they could have chosen where they could do pretty much whatever they wanted and either nobody would give a fuck or there'd be no one around to notice.

Here is a map of the population density of the United States. LOOK AT ALL THAT SPACE! Are you telling me that there is NOWHERE that they can set up a stable residence and maintain their privacy without the need for fake weddings and such? Carlisle put about as much effort into his choice as Meyer did with this whole book (read: none). (+1 Stupidity)

Edward then moves on to Jasper and Alice. Because, you know, having a character explain the back story of every other character is a LOT more interesting than learning about said characters through scenes or having them explain their origins themselves. It's also far better to deluge the readers with background info all at once rather than progressively learn these things about the characters by (gasp!) INTERACTING with them.

Edward is vague on Jasper's background, seeming much more interested in describing Alice.

She sees things--things that might happen, things that are coming. But it's very subjective. The future isn't set in stone. Things change."

That's awfully convenient, don't you think? This way Alice can do no wrong. If she's right she gets the credit, and if she's wrong it's because the future is "subjective." Now that this is established, Meyer can use Alice whenever it's convenient to the plot and no one can possibly question her since Alice's power does not follow any concrete rules. A cheap cop out, you say? Why on Earth would you think that?

He then gives info on the different kind of vampire tribes, and at this point I am getting bored out of my skull. There is a difference between world building and boring the reader with tedious walls of text. This section is as dry and emotionless as an encyclopedia entry.

They finally arrive at Bella's house.

It was very quiet and dark; there was no moon.

I guess you could say it was a ... *wink* ... NEW MOON! HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR!

*slap*

Sorry ...

Edward explains a little more about why they chose to live in Forks.

"Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents? There's a reason why we chose the Olympic Peninsula, one of the most sunless places in the world. It's nice to be able to go outside in the day."

Whoo boy, where do I begin?

For one, the Olympic Peninsula is NOT one of the most sunless places in the world. In the United States, perhaps, but not the world.

One other issue I have is, again, with the sparkling. Meyer bases much of her plot on the idea that vampires, whose skin she likens to diamonds, do not sparkle on cloudy days. She DOES know that diamonds CAN sparkle on cloudy days, right? Technically the meyerpires should be sparking on cloudy or sunny days, as well as when exposed to indoor lighting. I know twihards are tired of hearing criticisms about the sparkling, but it really makes no sense on ANY level. (+1 Stupidity)

Now Edward spells out Alice's back story. UGH! I'm sorry, I am getting really tired of this. While it is okay to give a little bit of back story, this infodump has gone on so long that I feel like I'm listening to a lecture. Apparently Alice is mysterious and doesn't remember her human past. You know what would have been more interesting? Having ALICE reveal these things. Maybe Bella could meet Alice and ask a seemingly innocuous question about her past and get a mystified reaction from Alice, who would then explain her lack of memory. You know, actually SHOW things rather than merely state them.

Apparently Alice's bullshit powers led her to Carlisle and Jasper, who saved her from becoming a "savage." Meaning, she never had to act like a REAL vampire, because she's just that special. Before Edward can reveal that Soylent Green is people, Darth Vader is Luke's father, and Rosebud is the sled, Bella's stomach growls, causing her to feel greatly embarrassed. Apparently getting hungry is cause for embarrassment in Meyerland.

Bella says she wants to stay with Edward and comments about how her voice would betray her "hopeless addiction" to him, as if that is a secret to Edward at this point. Hell, Edward had earlier said that Bella was intoxicated by his presence.

I couldn't picture it, this godlike creature sitting in my father's shabby kitchen chair.

Will you give it a rest already? We get it, Edward is pretty. Just give it a fucking rest! We don't need to be reminded every other paragraph about it. Stephenie Meyer, your readers are not goldfish. They are not going to forget what you described a page ago without constant reminders. You've already established that he's physically attractive, at least to Bella. Now would you kindly establish how beautiful he might be in other ways, or is physical beauty the only type that you equate with love?

Edward gets out of the car and goes to the passenger door ... WITH SPARKLEPIRE SPEED! Actually, the way Bella describes it, it's more like he teleported. It would be really funny if one the sparklepies tripped while running at hyper speed.

Edward opens the house door for Bella. She stops to ask if the door had been left unlocked, and Edward informs her that he used her hidden spare key.

Okay, that's a little odd but I'm sure there's an explanation for how he knew the key was there.

Then Bella notes that he couldn't have known where the key was since she'd never used it in front of him.

Creepiness rising ...

And then Edward admits to spying on her.

WHAT ... THE ... FUCK?

"You spied on me?" But somehow I couldn't infuse my voice with the proper outrage. I was flattered.

...

... ...

... ... ...

... ... ... ... Flattered?

*Stares open-mouthed at the book*

She ... was ... FLATTERED?

Sorry for the ellipses rape, but ... WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS FUCKING GIRL FUCKING THINKING? FLATTERED? FLATTERED? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER?

FUCK!

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

I honestly don't know what to say. This girl is either crazy or extremely stupid. (+1 Stupidity)

He was unrepentant. "What else is there to do at night?"

Um, let's see. ANYTHING ELSE? I'm sure the issue of how to spend one's night hours is such a problem for people everywhere, and we all agree that stalking unsuspecting girls who are much younger than you is the only answer (sarcasm). That he makes light of his actions shows what kind of moral character he has. Stalking a person, spying on her, invading her privacy, watching her without her knowledge or consent, is a JOKE to Edward. A JOKE!

A criminal who feels remorse for his actions at least has some decency in him. His actions are still wrong, and he still deserves whatever punishment he gets, but at least there is some glimmer of hope for that person. A criminal who shows no remorse, who thinks of it as a joke, a game, and would do it again without a second thought, is beyond hope. Beyond redemption. He is a monster.

Edward's attitude is disturbing for exactly that reason. It's not just that he's stalking Bella, it's how he views it. He treats it as if it's no big deal, as if it's his right to break into her house and spy on her. That attitude is more dangerous than the actual stalking, and is a sign that Edward is not entirely sane. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

I let it go for the moment ...

No! That is not something that you just "let go." If she had even a residue of self-respect she would DEMAND to know why he was spying on her and condemn the action.

He was there before me, needing no guide.

Do you know what this says? Edward's intrusions into Bella's house clearly hasn't been limited to her bedroom. He could quite possibly have been all over the place, maybe even going through their things while they were asleep. THIS is the kind of behavior people are praising as romantic? Dear God, people! Rub two of your brain cells together and put a little thought into what's going on here. This man is a sociopath!

I wonder what goes on in Edward's mind when he does this?



Kidding aside, stalking is a serious issue. Anyone who's been through it, or knows someone who's been through it, can tell you how horrible it can be. That stalking is glorified in this book is just plain sick.

Bella takes a moment to describe how "his [Edward's] beauty lit up the kitchen" because he sat down in a chair. Excuse me while I gag. Finally she gets back the issue of the stalking.

"How often?" I asked casually.

I only hope she spoke casually either in an attempt to hide her fear or to avoid angering the potentially homicidal stalker that's sitting in her kitchen. If she's just plain casual, as in okay with it, Bella Swan is officially dead to me.

I still didn't turn around. "How often did you come here?"
"I come here almost every night."
I whirled, stunned. "Why?"

Oh thank goodness, there is hope for this girl yet. For a moment there I actually started thinking that she was completely out of touch with reality. This is the kind of reaction I expect from someone who's just learned that someone has been breaking into her room almost every night.

"You're interesting when you sleep." He spoke matter-of-factly. "You talk."

Fucking hell! Edward Cullen is officially scum. Let's use our imaginations for a moment. Picture yourself sitting in a house, late at night, watching television. You'd been hired to babysit a neighbor's kid. She's asleep, so you're just waiting for the parents to return from their night out.

The phone rings. You pick it up, ready to tell the person on the other end that the Smiths aren't in right now but you can take a message, when you hear these words:

"You're interesting when you sleep. You talk."

The person on the other end also informs you that, yes, he does know what you did last summer.

No matter how you slice it, Edward's words are creepy, disturbing, criminal, and wrong. Not even the almighty "twu wuv" defense can justify breaking into the house of someone he just met to watch her sleep, and, as I observed earlier, possibly even rummage through the rest of the house. He had no right, NO RIGHT, to do that. It's not just Bella's privacy that he's violated; that is Charlie's home. His home had been invaded by a stranger multiple times. He's a cop so I assume something like that would not sit well with him, to say the least.

How would YOU feel if you learned that someone had not only broken into your house, but has been stalking your only daughter; spying on her without her knowledge or consent! Tell me, twi-moms, would you really be okay with that? Would you be perfectly fine with that happening to your children? If your answer is no, then why praise a book that romanticizes such behavior? If your answer is yes, then you are unfit to call yourself a parent.

"No!" I gasped, heat flooding my face all the way to my hairline. I gripped the kitchen counter for support.

Yes, finally! Now do you see what kind of sicko you're dealing with, Bella-Sue? Tell him to leave! Get far, far away from that whackjob!

I knew I talked in my sleep, of course; my mother teased me about it. I hadn't thought it was something I needed to worry about here, though.

*stares blankly*

What?

Am I reading this right? No, it can't be. Not even Bella fucking Swan could possibly be that stupid, that insane. I'm sure the outrage over the stalking is imminent.

His expression shifted instantly to chagrin.

Chagrin?

SHE SAID THE SECRET WORD!

"Are you very angry with me?"
"That depends!" I felt and sounded like I'd had the breath knocked out of me.

That's right, Bella, let him have it! Tell him how big of an asshole he is!

He waited.
"On?" he urged.

Here it comes ...

"On what you heard!" I wailed.

...
... ...
... ... ...

*jaw drops*

What ... the ...

Did she just say, does this mean that ... ERROR: A FATAL EXCEPTION OE HAS OCCURED AT 0137:BFFA21C9. THE CURRENT APPLICATION WILL BE TERMINATED. I AM ERROR. I AM ERROR.

PRESS ANY KEY TO TERMINATE THE CURRENT APPLICATION.

PRESS CTL+ALT+DEL TO RESTART YOUR SNARKER. YOU WILL LOSE ANY UNSAVED SNARK IN ALL APPLICATIONS.

Rebooting ...

... ... ...

Welcome to Twilight Snarker 7. Loading OS.

... ... ...

Restarting Snarker application.

... ... ...

Restoring application to the last restore point.

... ... ...

Reboot complete. Have a nice day.

... ... ...

WHAT THE FUCK!?

I now understand why a picture of Twilight is used on TVTropes as a prime example of Stalking is Love. The quote on the page perfectly illustrates the double standard that seemingly gives Edward a free pass for this kind of disturbing behavior.

A hot girl who follows you around and shows up at your door is a friend. An ugly girl who follows you around and shows up at your door is a stalker. A hot guy who gives you flowers is a romantic. An ugly guy who gives you flowers is a stalker.
— Urban Dictionary on stalkers

It's quite a sad commentary that people will bend over backwards to excuse Edward's illegal and immoral behavior because they're too busy drooling over his ass to really think about what he's doing. A cynical person might conclude that it isn't who you are or what you do, but how you look, that determines right and wrong.

But that's another issue entirely. Bella Swan ... how do I even begin to express my complete and utter disgust at her reaction? She just learned that the guy had broken into her house numerous times, invaded her privacy, stalked her, and watched her as she slept without her knowledge or permission, and her sole concern is that she talks in her sleep? One stupidity point is not enough for this. Two points won't even properly convey how stupid her behavior is; how completely out of touch with reality she is.

This is a first for this blog, folks. Bella has just won the gold medal of stupid. She has broken all barriers of insanity and reached new heights of intellectual sloth. Reason doesn't exist for her. Common sense doesn't apply to her in the slightest. Her stupidity is so enormous that it's a miracle that she hasn't earned a Darwin award a dozen times over by now. For this there can only be one response. Bella Swan has earned triple stupidity points. (+3 Stupidity)



Edward tells Bella not to be upset and fixes her with an emo stare. She is, of course, embarrassed. Bella's emotional range, on any given day, seems to go from bitchy irritation at people being nice to her to total embarrassment at the slightest provocation.

Edward tells Bella some of the stuff he heard her say in her sleep, about how she misses her mother (which, as I pointed out in chapter one, is entirely Bella's fault and was avoidable), about the sound rain makes, and stuff about home. Bella is amazingly articulate when she sleep talks, isn't she? Oh, she also complains about the plant life in her sleep, once again completely reversing her attitude towards plants. At the beginning she despised anything green, going so far as to complain about potted plants. Later she marveled at the beauty of a forest (chapter 6), and now she's back to whining about plants. A little consistency would be nice, Meyer!

Edward also mentions that Bella says his name in her sleep ... a lot. Not that this should come as a surprise for anyone who's managed to survive this book up to this point. I can just imagine Edward sitting there, playing with himself while sniffing Bella's used panties.

Edward: Yeah! Oh, yeah! Say my name, Bella! Say it again. Again. SAY MY NAME, BITCH!

Bella's fath--I mean, Charlie, comes home, which causes Edward to display his latest superpower: teleportation.

Then we both heard the sound of tires on the brick driveway, saw the headlights flash through the front windows, down the hall to us. I stiffened in his arms.
"Should your father know I'm here?" he asked.
"I'm not sure ..." I tried to think through it quickly.
"Another time then ..."
And I was alone
"Edward!" I hissed.
I heard a ghostly chuckle, then nothing else.

Here I picture Bella falling over and hitting her head when Edward teleports away. I'm sorry Eddykins, but you are not batman. It just makes you look like a prick when you do it, especially when you laugh at the girl you just left.

Maybe it isn't teleportation; it could be invisibility. That would explain how his chuckle could be "ghostly," as in resembling the characteristics of ghosts. Did Edward go "wwoOoOo!" or stop to throw his voice so that it sounded like he was in the room with her when he wasn't? Or maybe Meyer meant to say that his chuckle was just incredibly eerie. That's not a very positive description. I mean, seriously, if someone disappeared on me and left behind a "ghostly" chuckle, I'd call a fuckin' priest! (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Anyway, her fath--dammit, I mean Charlie, enters the house.

"Bella?" he called. It had bothered me before; who else would it be? Suddenly he didn't seem so far off base.

You know, Bella words this in a way that tries to make ... Charlie (Ha! I got it this time!) sound like an idiot, which I find hilarious considering the boundless stupidity she just demonstrated. Note how she doesn't even pause to consider what Edward's repeated break-ins might mean to Charlie. The thought doesn't even cross her mind. That stupid, ungrateful, inconsiderate, self-absorbed bitch! (+1 Bitch)

His footsteps sounded so noisy after my day with Edward.

You know, for a someone made of stone Edward is amazingly lightweight.

He stepped on the heels of his boots to take them off, holding the back of Edward's chair for support.

Edward's chair? If this were any other person I'd assume the words were meant as "the chair Edward had sat in," but given Bella/Meyer's track record, it wouldn't at all surprise me if Bella now considers that "Edward's chair," in the possessive sense, merely because he'd sat in it once.

Also Bella's tongue is set on fire by lasagna.

Charlie sat in the chair, and the contrast between him and its former occupant was comical.

Oh no she didn't!

It's bad enough that she disrespects her classmates based on their appearance, but now she's making comparisons between Edward and her father? Disregarding how squicky it is that Bella is comparing her father to someone she wants to have sex with, it also says something about her view of people. Not even family members are deserving of respect if they don't meet her prettiness standards.

"It was a nice day," he agreed. What an understatement, I thought to myself.

A nice day? She considers the day she learned that someone has been stalking her and breaking into her house to be NICE! NICE? UGH!

Charlie surprised me by being observant. "In a hurry?"

Yeah, because she was SOOO subtle about wanting to leave, the way she wolfed down her food. Give the man at least SOME credit! The way Bella talks about her father you'd think he belonged in a program for the mentally challenged.

"You look kinda keyed up," he noted. Why, oh why, did this have to be his night to pay attention.

Oh, I don't know, maybe because he's your FATHER? That's his job, you stuck-up little whore! It's not like this is the first time he's expressed concern for her in this book. He has, and each time she's dismissed and patronized him as if he were a child. Show a little respect for the man who let you into his home and goes out of his way for you. Do you have ANY idea how many young people in America alone would LOVE to be so fortunate?

I'm not saying that he can't get on her nerves--she is a teenager, after all--but she doesn't so much as pay lip service to Charlie's authority as her father. The worst part is that we're meant to sympathize with BELLA. I am truly disgusted by that. I think Bella has been given a free pass for too long. Charlie should put his foot down. He is not one of her classmates that she can simply dismiss. He is her FATHER, and that should mean something! (+1 Bitch)

Even this, however, I would find a lot more understandable if Bella, as a character, had a little more depth. Perhaps if there were some scenes in which the two butt heads, Bella blaming Charlie for separating from her mother and, in effect, no longer feeling beholden to him. That would not only explain her attitude towards Charlie, it would also make for a much more interesting read. But NOOO! That would mean introducing CONFLICT, and we can't have that. No sir! Everything has to be gum drops and rainbows in Meyerland. No conflict, no struggling to come to grips with personal issues or real-life complications. It's all butterflies and sparkles forever and ever!

At least on the surface. When you look a little deeper it becomes clear how fundamentally "off" everything is, almost like a crapsaccharine world. Twilight seems idealistic at first glance, but look any closer and you see the cracks in its facade. The beautiful romance turns out to be a story of neurotic obsession rife with controlling behavior by mentally unstable individuals. In reality it is the stuff police reports are made of. I find this fascinating, in its own way. It's just sad that so many people look at this and view it as the ideal romance.

Moving on. Meyer describes Bella washing the dishes, down to how she places them to dry (why?). Charlie then expresses some fatherly interest in Bella. Knowing Bella, this probably won't end well.

"It's saturday," he mused.
I didn't respond.
"No plans tonight?" he asked suddenly.

How could he have asked that "suddenly" when the question directly follows another related statement? If Meyer deleted the two lines preceding it then it would be a sudden question.

Remember back in chapter six when I said how Meyer has a bad habit of bluntly explaining everything her characters mean, thus robbing them of any personality? We get another example of that.

"None of the boys in town your type, eh?" He was suspicious, but trying to play it cool.

WHY EXPLAIN THAT? Any half-way decent writer can get that point across without the need to flat-out explain it to the readers. It's called subtlety.

"No, none of the boys have caught my eye yet." I was careful not to over-emphasize the word boys in my quest to be truthful with Charlie.

Again, WHY EXPLAIN THAT? Also, is being honest with her father such a chore for her that she has to think of it as a quest? Does she see a giant gold exclamation mark over Charlie's head whenever she talks to him?

Anyway, they go on like that. Bella gets more bitchy as the conversation goes on, sniping at Charlie in the narration after just about everything he says. I especially like this bit.

"See you in the morning, Dad." See you creeping into my room tonight at midnight to check on me.

Aside from the eye-roll inducing cliche, you know what I find really hilarious? Apparently it's bad for her father to check up on her at night, but when Edward BREAKS INTO HER ROOM in order to WATCH HER SLEEP it is ever so romantic! Ugh!

Bella fails her quest to be truthful to her father, because she tricks him into thinking she's going to bed. The first thing she does is open her window and call out to Edward. *facepalm*

It turns out that wasn't necessary because he's already in her bed and then she ...

Wait, what?

He lay, smiling hugely, across my bed, his hands behind his head, his feet dangling off the end, the picture of ease.

He ... he actually ... he just went and ... ERROR: A FATAL EXCEPTION OE HAS OCCURED AT 0137:BFFA21C9. THE CURRENT APPLICATION WILL BE TERMINATED. I AM ERROR. I AM ERROR.

*Minutes later*

WHAT THE FUCK!?

God fucking dammit! What on Earth is WRONG with people if THIS is considered romantic? Newsflash, kiddies: if a guy breaks into your house without your knowledge or consent, then later helps himself to your bed without your permission or knowledge, you should CALL THE POLICE! That kind of behavior is a sign of someone who is possessive, if not downright needy; neurotic, if not completely insane; and unbalanced, if not totally abusive.

You know what worries me, especially when I read comments from twihards about how much they wish Edward were real? I worry that these poor naive people will go looking for this kind of guy in real life. I worry even more that they might actually find one, because in the real world people who exhibit the personality traits displayed by Edward in this book tend to be abusive control freaks. Either that or anti-social users who are perfectly willing to tell these desperate girls what they want to hear and then take advantage of them.

I can already hear the fangirls crying "he did it because he wuvs her!" or "it's just fantasy!" The previous paragraph should illustrate how the latter protest doesn't fly, and as for the former, I wonder if they would be nearly so forgiving with a guy who's overweight and ugly. I'm sorry, but Edward doesn't get to screw the rules because Meyer says he's pretty.

Sparkledouche, this is long overdue! One point is not enough to properly convey my disgust at your complete lack of boundaries. (+2 Bad Boyfriend)

Anyway, Edward picks Bella up as if she were a toddler. I am not kidding. That is actually what's written in the book. He picks her up as if she's a fuckin' toddler. The man treats the girl as if she's a baby. That is not sexist in any way.

"Can I have a minute to be human?" I asked.

Okay, I am seriously getting annoyed by this. Ever since the big non-reveal, Bella and Edward have been using the word "human" back and forth. I found it cute the first time some aspect of Edward was jokingly called human, but now this is really overstaying its welcome. We get it, Edward is a vampire and Bella is a squishy human. Move on already.

Bella rushes off to groom herself. I find it odd that she keeps her toiletries in a bag. That's what you do if you're in a hotel or sleeping over for a few days. If she considered the place her home she'd have left her toothbrush in the bathroom. Meyer describes Bella brushing her teeth and taking a shower.

BRAIN BLEACH NOW PLEASE!

The familiar smell of my shampoo made me feel like I might be the same person I had been this morning.

What does that even mean? Why am I reading this? Why does Meyer make absolutely no effort to write an actual plot or develop her characters, yet pads her book with the kind of stuff most authors gloss over, if not skip entirely? For the love of God, she even describes Bella getting dressed (Holey t-shirt, Batman!).

After Bella showers she goes downstairs to deceive her father again before returning to Edward.

Edward hadn't moved a fraction of an inch, a carving of Adonis perched on my faded quilt.

What is it with this girl and her measuring tape? Comparing Edward to Adonis might actually make sense; it would mean they both have tiny dicks.

This sentence calls to mind a line from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. In one episode Worf falls in love with a klingon woman and describes her for Jadzia, even going so far as to compare her eyes to gemstones. Jadzia, however, is not impressed. She says, "sounds like you're describing a statue. What would you do with a woman like that? Put her up on a pedestal and clean her every week?"

I mention that because it illustrates my attitude towards Bella's frequent descriptions of Edward, and how I am entirely unimpressed by her referring to him as a statue. When I think of romance I don't think of statues. Cold, lifeless, soulless statues. You can admire a statue, but you can't love one. That is one of the major flaws in the supposed romance in this book. Meyer's take on love, much like statues, appears pretty on the surface, but there is absolutely nothing past those surface qualities. It is shallow, shallow, shallow.

Edward asks what the whole song and dance was for, and Bella tells him that Charlie thinks she's sneaking out. Never mind that he hasn't really given any indication of that and this is all speculation on Bella's part, but I'm sure she's absolutely right on this. She's a Mary Sue, after all, and they're always right unless it's convenient for the plot that they be wrong.

Edward decides to make out with Bella Eskimo style, and while he's doing that Bella asks how he's able to touch her with no apparent struggle with his vampire nature. Edward's response is such a gigantic ass pull that it makes me want to blue screen again.

"Mind over matter."

Oh boy, where do I even begin?

Remember practically every other word out of Edward's mouth in previous chapters? Remember his constant warnings of "I'm dangerous, stay away!" he gave Bella while hypocritically stalking her? Remember his speech during the meadow scene about how all-powerful the vampire blood thirst is; that even the strongest vampire in existence could slip at some point?

Yep, that stuff.

All bullshit.

Every word of it.

All that tension Meyer tried to built, all that effort to make Edward seem dangerous (in a sexy way, of course) has just been a waste of time. She ... wasted ... our ... time. We will never have that time back. Our only reward is a plot point that went nowhere. The first half of the fucking book was practically dedicated to this idea of a forbidden love between Bella and a vampire who wants to eat her. It's ON THE BACK COVER for crying out loud!

All gone.

But look on the bright side! This means that Edward no longer has any internal conflict. He can simply will himself not to eat Bella and that's that. Isn't that SO much better than seeing him wrestle with his inner demons and ultimately become a stronger person for it? Character growth is for losers.

No need to worry too much, kiddies. I'm sure this will only last until the next time Edward feels like being emo and whining about how dangerous he is. Nothing will ever actually come of it, but he sure will complain a lot. That's the same thing as character growth, isn't it? One sloppily constructed sentence later, they start staring at each other and Edward wonders what's up.

"Did I do something wrong?"

You stalked her. You broke into her house numerous times. You stalked her. You ignored her wishes. You stalked her. You threatened her back at the parking lot. You stalked her. You condescended her. You stalked her. You put her life in danger for your own personal gratification. You stalked her. You ordered her about and treated her like a child. You stalked her.

I can go on.

Did I mention the stalking?

Oh, he meant what he did wrong recently. *roll eyes*

"No--the opposite. You're driving me crazy," I explained.

I don't think Meyer quite understands what dashes are for. Here's a hint: a dash is NOT a replacement for a comma! Also, would it kill her to use the word "said" once in a while?

Eddykins goes on about how wonderful Bella is. In a dialogue that points out just how big of a Mary Sue Bella is, it turns out that Edward is a total virgin, having never been with a girl before Bella in his 100+ years of life. Ugh! Such a giant fucking Sue!

This brings to mind my favorite quote from Robert Pattinson regarding his portrayal of Edward.

“When you read the book,” says Pattinson, … “it’s like, ‘Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.’ I mean, every line is liked that. He’s the most ridiculous person who’s so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn’t do that. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that’s how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he’s a 108 year-old virgin so he’s obviously got some issues there.” – Robert Pattinson, Empire Magazine 10/2008

I tend to agree with Pattinson on this one. Edward obviously has some major issues here. I have seen fans defend Edward's actions by citing his virginity, how it must have been so horrible for him to live for so long without loving anyone. My response to that is "who's bloody fault is that?"

Seriously, if in a population of billions one cannot get laid in 100 years I do not have pity on that person. Since Edward is supposedly not lacking in the looks department I can only assume that he has either never even tried to find a girl, or his standards are ridiculously high. Given how he so snootily judges everyone around him, his nose held high, I'm inclined to believe that it's his own damn fault.

Us mere mortals often have to learn to compromise when choosing our partners. Aiming for perfection is a surefire way to spend many a lonely night. Love doesn't work with the clear-cut logic of a spreadsheet. Often you end up with something in a partner that you didn't even know you wanted. By compromise I do not necessarily mean "settle for less." I mean being open to something other than what you imagine as perfection. Keep an open mind; you might be surprised at what ends up attracting you to someone.

Either Edward never tried or he judged too harshly. In the former case it's his prerogative and there's no need for any pity; in the latter case it's his own damn fault and I have absolutely no sympathy for him. Oh, wait, I just thought of an even more likely reason why he was alone. HE'S AN OBSESSIVE CONTROL FREAK WHO STALKS PEOPLE!

Not that his attraction to Bella is anything other than shallow. Let's count the reasons why he thinks he's in love with her. Her blood is yummy and ... um ... oh, he also can't read her mind. Anything else? Hmmm ... I guess Edward also thinks Bella is pretty. Notice how Bella's personality doesn't seem to factor in here.

Meyer tries to explain again why Edward no longer has any internal conflict. You see, he was just unsure of himself. He just had to choose not to eat Bella and decide that he was strong enough to resist his blood hunger. Never mind that if it really is that simple, what's stopping everyone from doing it? Hell, smokers have a harder time resisting their cravings than vampires. Am I actually suppose to sympathize with this guy?

I now want nothing more than to find Meyer and beat her over the head with all four books tied together. (+1 Stupidity)

I'd never seen him struggle so hard for words. It was so ... human.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, SHUT THE HELL UP! Edward has ALWAYS acted human. He has never once demonstrated behavior that could qualify as non-human. If he were not acting human he'd be neatly packing Bella's severed body parts and choosing which sections to have for a snack later.

"So there's no possibility now?"
"Mind over matter," he repeated ...

THAT DOES IT, EVERYONE DIES!



I'm just going to speed this up before I smash my keyboard in a blind rage.

Edward whines about how hard his struggle is, contradicting what he said earlier. It seems that Edward's blood thirst is absolutely no problem, except, of course, for when Meyer wants to create false tension.

"Bring on the shackles--I'm your prisoner," But his long hands formed manacles around my wrists as he spoke.

Really, Meyer? That's the image you want to go with? Prisoners and shackles? It is an apt metaphor for how possessive and controlling Edward is, but something tells me that wasn't what you meant. In any case, that line is almost as bad as the "lion and the lamb" thing.

Edward talks about how different it is to be in love than to read about it, and Bella agrees. I couldn't help but laugh when she said that love was more "forceful" than she imagined. Honey, Edward forcing his will on you isn't love.

Edward talks about jealousy, and we now learn the reason why Edward started breaking into Bella's bedroom to watch her sleep. For those of you who thought it was supposed to be some grand romantic overture, think again. Edward only did it because he was jealous of Mike for asking Bella to the dance. That is not romantic. That is petty, childish, and self-serving. That he goes from school boy jealousy to breaking and entering proves that he has no impulse control.

What exactly was the point of that? All Mike did was ASK, and Bella said no, and for that Edward gets angry and breaks into Bella's home? If Bella had said yes then maybe he'd have a reason to be jealous, but even then breaking and entering would still be extreme.

More importantly, if he actually was jealous of Mike, why was there no indication of this in chapter four when he asked her out? Quite the opposite, Edward was AMUSED the whole time. He laughed it up. He wasn't a seething ball of jealous fury, he was chuckling and teasing Bella, even going so far as to trap her truck in the parking lot specifically to give Tyler a chance to ask her out! Then he laughed about it some more.

And why is he jealous of Mike and not, say, Eric or Tyler, both of whom had asked her out that same day? Did Meyer forget those two had been there? Whatever happened to Eric, anyway? Is he still in the book? This plot hole is officially so big that I could bury Meyer in it and use her copious amounts of bullshit to seal her inside so she can never write another god awful book again.

Meyer, get your damn facts straight and at least TRY to be consistent. And no, I don't count routinely sucking as a form of consistency. (+1 Stupidity)

And one for Edward for being a needy, obsessive control freak with no sense of boundaries. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

Edward tells Bella how she'd said his name as she slept, and decided from then that he couldn't stay away from her. Um, sparkledouche, you failed to "stay away" from her the moment you started BREAKING INTO HER HOUSE! He then gets angry and calls Mike vile. Okay, this officially goes beyond mere jealousy. This is possessiveness. The outright hatred of Mike, coupled with breaking into Bella's house, simply because he asked her to a dance (and was rejected) is overkill. I could maybe understand Edward wanting to rub it in Mike's face that he got Bella and not him. Then again, I don't expect such juvenile behavior from a guy who's more than a century old.

The fact that he is so pissed at Mike tells us that, even now, he still views him as a threat. Despite it being perfectly obvious that Bella is psychotically obsessed with Edward, he's still paranoid enough to believe that Mike could steal her away somehow. That, right there, is not healthy. That is a clear sign that Edward is possessive, controlling, and territorial. That is not the kind of guy you want to get involved with.

Also, Edward had been eavesdropping on Bella's talk with Charlie and got angry because Charlie had simply mentioned Mike's name. He then says "of course," as in, "of course I've been eavesdropping on you, Bella," as if that were his right. Arrogant bastard!

So what does all this teach us? Twilight says that if you're having doubts about your relationship its perfectly okay to spy on the other person. Break into that new girlfriend's house, eavesdrop on her conversations, it's good for you! *facepalm*

I'll give Edward a little credit, at least he admits he's being irrational. Admitting something, however, is completely worthless unless one actually does something about it. The one who errs and doesn't realize it is forgivable. The one who knows his error and continues anyway is a fool.

Edward's jealousy is so nonsensical that even Bella calls him out on it. Edward gives a bullshit answer about Bella "awakening the human" in him, which makes absolutely no sense. He had been acting human long before Bella ever arrived in Forks. If not, he wouldn't have bothered attending high school constantly all this time, or drinking animal blood out of some misguided sense of compassion. He clearly identifies with humanity or none of that would really matter to him.

Bella expresses her jealousy of Rosalie. This shows how shallow she is, and how shallow this whole relationship is, because the only criteria being considered is Rosalie's physical appearance.

Edward: You don't understand how insanely jealous I've been. I mean, Mike asked you to the DANCE! The nerve of him! How dare he not realize that you are my property even though I had been doing everything in my power to avoid you at the time?

Bella: You think YOU have it tough? You were supposed to be with Rosalie! Since her physical attractiveness is roughly 100x that of mine, that means her love is that much purer, because love is only about looks.

Edward: Don't worry Bella, there is no competition because you are 10x more attractive to me. Look at how deep I am to pick you over her, even though the only attribute we've discussed has been physical looks and I did just admit that I picked you because I think you're more attractive. TWU WUV FTW!

That is their conversation in a nutshell.

Edward gives a long-winded speech about how special Bella is, which only serves to point out how much of a Mary Sue she is and stroke both Meyer and the audience's egos. Edward wasn't complete in nearly ninety years of life because Bella (and, vicariously, Meyer and the audience) hadn't been born yet. You hear that, guys? You are SO special that the world was an empty, dreary place before you came to grace it with your divine presence. No wonder people like this book; you'd never have to buy toilet paper again with how much it licks your ass. (+1 Purple Prose)

This is pure wish fulfillment on Meyer's part. I'm sure there are plenty of people who'd love to hear someone say something like that to them. Personally I wouldn't, and I think anyone who'd say that to me with a straight face is trying too hard. However there are many that would, and Twilight is telling those people what they want to hear. It is ego masturbation in its basest form.

They go on like that until Charlie comes to check up on her. Edward hides, and when Charlie is gone he gets into bed with her. I guess I shouldn't be surprised by this point. More pointless small talk and Edward comments that Bella smells like lavender or freesia. He calls the scent mouthwatering. Um, I don't know about you, but when I smell flowers the last thing I want to do is eat them.

Bella asks Edward why he doesn't eat humans, and he gives a long-winded speech about rising above his instincts and trying to reclaim his humanity and blah blah blah. This ties into what I said earlier about Edward essentially being human long before Bella arrived. It also says something about the way they think. They laud human values as being superior to vampire ones and hold up humanity as a golden standard to strive for. In essence, they're not really vampires psychologically. Humans are food to vampires, many of whom might not be too thrilled with the idea of emulating their dinner.

Bella asks why vampires have superpowers and Meyer, through Edward, gives us a hand wave about the powers coming from their strongest human traits being amplified when they were turned. Edward, for example, can read minds supposedly because he was a sensitive person before he was turned. While I could argue that there is a HUGE difference between having a sensitive personality and having superpowers, this just points out yet another contradiction in Meyer's story.

Meyer claims that her vampires are based on science and has attempted to give scientific explanations for certain aspects of her abominations, such as why they sparkle, why they're not attracted to vaginal blood, and why Edward was able to impregnate Bella when she had previous said it was impossible. While superpowers from personality traits may work if you're dealing with mystical creatures, Meyer has taken a firm scientific stance here. She has went on record as stating that the reason her sparklepires aren't harmed by the sun is because she thought that would be too mystical ... yet having mind-reading powers because you were a sensitive person somehow is not.

I'm sorry, Meyer, but you can't have it both ways. Either they're scientific or they're mystical. Pick one. Judging from how you seem to have an extremely loose grasp on science to begin with, I suggest the latter. (+1 Stupidity)

Apparently Jasper's superpower is that he can influence the emotions of other people, such as calming an angry crowd. Given what he will later do in New Moon, it seems that his power doesn't work on himself.

At this point I am getting extremely tired of this chapter and am just trying to get through it. This conversation seems to be lasting forever and I am bored out of my skull. Meyer, we don't need a point-by-point description of the other characters. How about actually SHOWING us some of these fantastical powers in context rather than EXPLAINING them.

Now Edward states his creationist leanings as he tries to explain where vampires come from. He states that vampires could have evolved like any other species, which shows how little Meyer understands evolution, but prefers to believe that God made vampires along with humans. After more pointless dialogue Edward gets irritated at not being able to read her mind.

"I'm glad you can't read my thoughts. It's bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking."

And people think this is romantic WHY? At this point I've exhausted my outrage at Edward's criminal behavior, so I'm just going to facepalm at this.

And now the book that supposedly promotes abstinence goes into the topic of Edward and Bella having sex. Excuse me while I chug some brain bleach to remove that horrible image from my head.

Blah blah, it's too dangerous, blah blah, Edward could kill her easily, blah blah, all the same "I'm dangerous, stay away" crap we've been hearing ad nauseum throughout this book. Moving on.

By the way, I'm giving Meyer a thesaurus rape point for her overuse of formal words in the sections I've covered. I'll quote one example for context, but it's one of many.

He seemed to deliberate for a moment.

What 17 year-old girl thinks like that? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

After telling Bella that he thinks she's hot, she finally, FINALLY goes to sleep, thus ending the chapter. Oh, and apparently Edward has the voice of an archangel. I swear, even Harry Potter fanfic writers show more restraint when describing their Mary Sues. Ugh!

I thought I knew what I was getting myself into when I started this blog, but reading this book is like psychological torture. I've done enough research to sort of understand why it's popular, but good Lord, people! Couldn't you guys have picked a better written love story to orgasm over? How can a chapter in which nothing happens be so long? Or did it just feel long to me because it was so boring?

I need a drink.

Final Tally:

+12 Stupidity
+4 Bad Boyfriend
+3 Thesaurus Rape
+2 Bitch
+1 Eye Sex
+1 Purple Prose