Anti Spotlight - Lifetime Special

This Anti-Spotlight is a little different in that it isn't about Twilight per se.

You see, while working on the next chapter I began to think that Edward reminds me of a character from some movie I'd seen over 10 years ago. I couldn't remember what movie that was, but then it recently came to me. The movie in question is called Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? starring Tori Spelling and Ivan Sergei. Overall it's a mediocre film (your mileage may vary), but what I find interesting is the way it portrays obsessive love, especially when compared to Twilight.

Kevin is basically Edward, but more overt (to put it mildly). Even some of their actions are similar, like how Kevin disables Laurel's car and how he spies on her. The big difference is that in this movie Kevin's actions are not glorified. He's the villain. His obsession over Laurel is meant to be creepy and disturbing. In Twilight, Edward's actions are glorified. Their creepy and/or disturbing undertones are either dismissed by fans or excused because "he only does it because he loves her."

I'd recommend watching it for comparison's sake. I haven't read the book the movie is based on, so I can't give any comments on that. I searched for clips online, but found nothing. I did, however, find the full movie for you to stream. Watch if you're interested, at least until the movie is inevitably taken down due to copyright claims. Aside from the Twilight comparison the movie can be enjoyable in a "so bad it's good" sort of way.

Watch Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?

What I've been up to.

Dear readers,

Whew, it's been a long couple of months for me. Long, but not unpleasant. A slew of family members (and their kids) visiting over the summer and taking up every available room kept my hands full. That and my dedication to my writing filled my hours so completely that there would have to have been more of them in a day to fit everything I'd been juggling. Things are quiet now, so I'm happy to get back to my other interests, this blog included.

As some of you might know I recently finished writing a book. At the moment I'm waiting until a small printer issue is dealt with (I have a Brother printer that, for some reason, decided it doesn't want to print the color black). I'm looking into getting that old inkjet replaced with a laser printer, but with bills and rent eating up funds that will have to wait at least a couple of weeks.

In the meantime I've been working on a second book (unrelated to the first) and have been making some great progress. My first novel is complete at roughly 120,000 words, and my work in progress has just reached the roughly 50,000 word mark.

Why am I telling you all this? To show that I haven't forgotten the blog. This is a matter of priorities. While I love tearing Twilight a new one, if it becomes a choice between that or family and my own work, family and work will win every time. You have been warned.

That said, I'm already working on the next chapter and expect to have it posted in the near future. Here's a hint: it involves stalking, Bella's reaction to said stalking, and me going apeshit over the stupidity of it all. Seriously, how insane are these people?

Cheers,
The Twilight Snarker

Anti Spotlight: You Are Bella

View "You Are Bella" Playlist

You know, I sometimes think that one of the most amusing parts of what I do is watching the kind of mental gymnastics diehard fans of Twilight perform to excuse the inconsistencies, plot holes, factual errors, etc. I once brought up one of Meyer's bigger errors, the claim that Esme's island is off the west coast of Brazil.

THE WEST COAST OF BRAZIL!

If mental gymnastics were a sport, the twihard in question would have won a gold medal. Long story short, after arguing back and forth, which mainly consisted of me pointing at the map and shouting "DUH!" and her making more excuses, I said "that's like saying that California is the west coast of New York." To which she said, "yes it is."

If there is a definite reason why I write this blog, at least part of the answer would be to observe how people's minds work. I find it a little fascinating to watch people do double back flips in logic to rationalize things that are completely absurd (insert obligatory religion joke here).

Enter You Are Bella, an in depth examination of the Twilight series that highlights its many flaws and attempts to explain why Twihards cling to it despite the series being so damn awful. The series is titled "You Are Bella" because that is basically the answer in a nutshell.

I recently bumped into this series while looking for creative or informative works by other antis. The mere fact that I'm posting it here obviously means I was impressed. Do take a look at the rest of the series of videos.

Anti Spotlight: Melina vs. Meyer.

Introducing a new segment called "Anti Spotlight." You see, I was sitting around and wondering what new stuff I could do with the blog when it occurred to me "hey, I'm not the only one dissing Twilight, so why not give some attention to others who've also done good work?" Which is basically a nice way of saying that I'm a lazy bastard who is shamelessly trying to make this blog more interesting by showcasing the work of others. Muahahahaha!

Wait ... I wasn't supposed to actually write that part. Oh well, I'm too lazy to edit. :p

First up is Melina Pendulum, who has quite a bone to pick with Stephenie Meyer due to some comments the woman made in an interview. I picked this one because it's the funniest IMO, but it is by no means the most insightful thing she's posted. Overall I've found her to be an intelligent young woman with interesting opinions on a wide range of subjects. So do take a look at her other videos; not just the ones pertaining to Twilight (though there are quite a few of them and she has a LOT to say on the subject).



Check out Her Youtube Page

Note: Her recent review of The Host is really worth watching.

A Little Game.

Now for something a little different. We're going to play a game. The name of the game is called "Character Development." Here are the rules.

I am going to name characters and you, the player, are going to describe said characters for me. There will be two groups of characters. Group A will consist of characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and group B will consist of characters from Twilight.

Now here is the most important rule. In your descriptions you are forbidden from describing the characters' physical appearances. This includes body attributes, hair styles, clothing, and the like. You also cannot describe their professions, races, or roles, so answers such as "high school student" or "vampire" are not acceptable. You must describe each character as if you are speaking to someone who has never seen Buffy or read Twilight.

Oh, just so you know, this game is blatantly ripped off from Red Letter Media" and I am using it because it seems highly relevant here.

Let us begin.

Round One: Female Protagonist

Buffy

Bella

Round Two: Male Love Interest

Angel

Edward

Round Three: Werewolf

Oz

Jacob

Round Four: Mystical Friend

Willow

Alice

Round Five: Wise Mentor

Giles

Carlisle

Round Six: Male Mortal

Xander

Mike

Round Seven: Villain

Spike

James

Round Eight: Female Mortal

Cordelia

Jessica

You may answer them all if you feel so inclined, but if that would be too boring, then simply answer whichever ones you please. Try to be as in depth and descriptive as possible. The more descriptive you can get, the stronger the character. That is the point of the game. I look forward to seeing your answers.

The Meadow Scene - Part Two

Again ... WHY!?

And we're back with part two of this duology of suck. You may be wondering how I escaped the clutches of Candlejack. Turns out he spotted my copy of Twilight and immediately went "get that garbage away from me!" So not only am I back, but so long as I keep a copy of Twilight with me I can say his name without being abducted.

Anyway, we still have plenty of chapter to read, so lets get this over with.

Edward crosses the "too much information" line by explaining exactly how close he'd come to murdering Bella when they first met.

"It took everything I had not to jump you in the middle of that class full of children--"

He's not exactly making a good case for himself here. He openly admits the enormity of his struggle to resist killing Bella. Any sane person would take the ... can this even be called a hint? It's not like any effort is being made to soften or disguise the meaning of his words. He's saying, point blank, that he feels the urge to kill her. What more does any rational, thinking person need to be convinced that perhaps going out with him is a bad idea?

This raises some serious questions as well. If the sparklepires must constantly struggle against their murderous urges in the presence of other people, then why do they attend public school; thus ensuring that each and every day they must be surrounded by the very thing they're trying to resist? It's like hiring an alcoholic to do stock duty in a liquor store. That just screams "disaster waiting to happen." What if it hadn't been Edward who'd been attracted to Bella's blood? What if it had been Jasper, the vamp so green that a paper cut sends him into a rampage? What if Edward simply had a bad day that day and was unprepared to deal with the temptation at that particular moment?

The more I think about it the more absurd this seems. What happens when a kid has an accident and cuts himself? Scrapes his knees in gym? Now that I think about it, has a male vamp ever had a strong urge to drink the blood of a male human in these books, or vice versa? I'm curious about that. If not, then why the hell not? Unless blood drinking is supposed to be an allegory for sex, gender shouldn't matter. But I digress. Drop a comment if you have any thoughts on this.

Getting back on topic, how many girls are walking around on their period at any given day? To be fair, Meyer did give an explanation for menstrual blood, and assuming you accept the "dead blood" explanation (which makes no scientific sense), there are still plenty of opportunities for students to be walking around bloody. Accidents, fights, injuries, all of which can and do happen in high school.

Why send them to school at all? It's not like they NEED the education. Have they not heard of home schooling? That would allow them to live their lives with far less risk to their secrets. "But if Edward didn't go to school, there'd be no book," you might say. Bullshit. A competent writer can get around that with just a little application of effort and imagination. Wait ... that requires that the writer be competent, put actual effort into her work, and have imagination. Yeah, definitely not Meyer.

That Edward insists on stalking Bella, fully aware of just how much danger he's putting her in, makes him a selfish bastard. That he openly admits that selfishness is his motivation for doing this (see part 1 for a direct quote) compounds the offense. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

And one for Bella, for staying even with Edward practically having the words "I want to kill you" painted on his sparkly forehead. (+1 Stupidity.)

You know what's really sad? In the hands of a better writer this situation could truly be compelling. If the characters were more developed (meaning, at all), Bella's attraction for a vampire who wants to drink her blood could work as a dramatic focal point. The reason why it doesn't work in Twilight when similar plots have worked in other stories is because the situations here are contrived. The characters do not behave like people so much as puppets going through the motions and reciting dialog.

This is a case of Meyer cutting corners. She wants so much to get straight to the perfect sparkly romance that having her characters act like actual people would be too hard for her to do. As a consequence she just has them say or do whatever is needed to get straight to the Edward body worship, leaving things like character development and an actual story on the cutting room floor. As a direct consequence of this, Bella and Edward rush into a relationship (and I use the word lightly) even though it makes absolutely no sense. The way it is now, Bella is a moron for essentially dating a man with a predisposition towards murder (namely hers) and Edward is beyond selfish and arrogant for pursuing Bella despite the whole wanting to kill her thing.

I think that the meadow scene should not be happening now. It should happen later, after the characters have undergone some development and after Bella and Edward gain an actual rapport. Right now we have what's supposed to be a significant and highly romantic moment between two people whose sole common link is that they happen to own the same music CD. Call me old fashioned but I prefer a couple to have progressed a little further than that before they begin casually risking death (murder, in Edward's case) and expressing their undying love.

Think of the meadow scene as frosting, and right now you are eating the frosting before the cake has even been baked. In my opinion the meadow scene should take place near the end of the book, or even in book two. The first book should be about establishing the characters and building up Edward and Bella's relationship to the point where the meadow scene actually makes sense. Hell, even the "lion and the lamb" line would work better if it was, maybe, established as some kind of in-joke during the course of their character development.

Whoo boy, do I know how to get off track or what? I blame my stream of consciousness writing style. Let's move on.

Edward scowls at a tree before continuing.

"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. ..."

Strangely echoing my own feelings about Bella, Edward, and Stephanie Meyer.

"The fragrance coming off your skin ... I thought it would make me deranged that first day."

So that means you don't even have to be bleeding for the vampire killing urge to kick in. Bella hadn't been bleeding that day, and Edward describes the scent coming from her skin as what provoked him.

In that case, having the Cullens attend school is even more insane! What was Carlisle thinking? What was ANY of them thinking? Remember: these are not kids. Each of the Cullens is probably old enough to be your grandparent or great grandparent. You'd think one of them might actually THINK FOR HIMSELF and conclude that maybe going to public school isn't such a great idea, given their unique urges, and that it makes about as much sense as hiring a man named Mr. BadTouch to privately tutor your 7 year old. (+1 Stupidity)

"In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone."

Who the hell finds this attractive? I mean, how would YOU react if you were on a date and your partner out and tells you "I've been plotting your death ever since I first met you. I would have gotten you alone, and then ..." What kind of twisted mind finds the very real threat of their own murder to be romantic? So far Edward has done nothing but stalk Bella, exhibit controlling behavior, and think of ways to kill her. It's not even a vampire thing, it's a common sense thing. It may be in a mentally damaged person's nature to strangle the girl he's with until she dies, but that doesn't excuse the act, and any girl who sticks with him knowing about his compulsions is a moron.

But that's besides the point. The real crime here is that nothing is actually DONE with Edward's bloodlust. It's never become an issue so far and it has had no real effect on the plot except for making Edward whine about it and constantly say "I'm dangerous, stay away" while hypocritically following her everywhere she goes. Edward's danger to Bella is not demonstrated. He does not lose control, nor does he undergo any sort of soul searching or character growth in order to reconcile his vampire nature with his attraction to Bella. Edward's bloodlust could have been a great source for genuine conflict, but that potential is ignored in order to make room for more descriptions of Edward's physical appearance.

Speaking of which, Edward's eyes get some more attention here. Apparently they "scorched from under his lashes." The word "scorch" denotes an object being affected by heat, being either destroyed, shriveled, or in some other way altered by heat. It can also denote criticism or sarcasm, like how this blog scorches the shitty Twilight book.

As a metaphor for intense emotions it fails. You don't scorch WITH something (he was filled with burning passion) you are scorched BY something (she was burned by his fiery passion). For this to work his eyes would have to have been scorched by an external stimulus (he was scorched by my frightened response to his creepiness), and even that's pushing it. This is what happens when you let your thesaurus do your writing for you. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

She also described Edward's eyes as "hypnotic and deadly," giving off the definite vibe that we're supposed to find this sexy, because being told by a whiny pale brat the exact method in which he'd planned to murder you is such a turn on. Meyer is trying really hard to give Edward a bad boy image. Oooh, he's so brooding and damaged and even dangerous, but that's okay because of course YOU can heal him. Remember, kiddies, all girls want bad boys.

Edward: You have no idea how close I came to killing you.
Bella: Oh, Edward, tell me more!
Edward: I would have lured you away to someplace private.
Bella: And I would have went!
Edward: I would then have torn open your throat and lapped up the blood. Since Stephenie Meyer didn't give us fangs it's not very easy for us to get at the blood, so it would have been quite messy.
Bella: Yes! Oh yes!
Edward: Then I would have violated your dead body repeatedly until I got bored with it.
Bella: Don't stop!
Edward: I would have then hacked up your remains and burned them to dispose of the evidence.
Bella: AAAAAHHHHH!!!
Edward: Did you ... did you just have one?
Bella: I didn't say stop, Edward! What would you have done with my ashes?
Edward: Uh ... you are WAY more into this than I thought you'd be.
Bella: Threatening my life only makes you more mysterious and sexy!

Edward goes on about how he'd come close to killing her again when they had bumped into each other later, when Edward was trying to get his class schedule changed to avoid Bella. He elaborates on how he'd had to resist the urge to murder not only Bella, but the school faculty member who was also in the room. And people find this romantic BECAUSE?

Deciding that Edward's emo levels are about right, Meyer goes for the melodrama by describing how Edward had chosen to flee the state in order to avoid Bella, and how devastating his departure would have been to his family had he bothered to tell them. This is really starting to sound like a soap opera. Apparently a combination of guilt over upsetting Esme, shame at his cowardice, homesickness, and a downplaying of Bella's temptation made him come back.

You know what's sad? Edward's trip to Alaska is the closest thing this book has to character development so far, but it happened entirely off screen. Stephenie Meyer, you fail at writing.

"I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind ... her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that."

Geez, Jessica just can't catch a break! Now even her very thoughts are being criticized. I'm surprised that Edward doesn't have super hearing, since he seems to have super everything else. Wait a second, he DOES have super hearing. It was mentioned earlier in this chapter. In that case, why read Jessica's mind when he could have just listened to Bella's words directly? Am I missing something here?

And so the stalking begins. He could have just left well enough alone and resolved to resist Bella by avoiding her, but he had to go snooping on her instead. He then goes on about how ZOMG INTERESTING Bella is and how much he wants to read her thoughts. Considering that Bella's thoughts at the time consisted entirely of "I hate Forks; everyone here sucks for being nice to me, I hate Forks; these boys are so annoying for liking me, I hate Forks; it's too cold and too wet. WAAAH! I HATE FORKS!" I don't think Edward would have been impressed with what he'd have found rattling around in that girl's empty head. I'm beginning to think that perhaps Edward CAN read her thoughts; the bitch just don't have much going on upstairs.

Since Edward is determined to recap everything that's already happened, he now moves on to the Tyler's van incident (AKA where the series should have ended). Bella eats all of this up, falling for the "dangerous = sexy" trope. This is supposed to make Bella look selfless, but it really just highlights how stupid and selfish she is. After hearing all of that she is stupid for not being concerned for her own life. Also, it's selfish for her to insist on staying with him knowing how much pain her very presence causes him. Granted he would just keep stalking her, but a true show of selfless compassion would be a willingness to let him go in order to keep him from suffering. Even if that didn't pan out, the mere willingness to let him go for his own sake would be placing the happiness of the one she supposedly loves over her own selfish wants.

Selflessness is another thing that's lacking here. All we ever hear from either Bella or Edward is "me me me." Concern for each other is only given a moment's lip service by Edward and his "warnings" (there aren't sarcasm quotes massive enough for that word) until he basically goes "oh, I'm bored now" and throws that out the window. This story isn't about love as much as it is about instant gratification and wish fulfillment. I suppose that's why it's so popular. It says "you too can have a hot guy fall in love with you instantly, because you're just that special." It takes out all those bothersome things like compatibility, communication, hard work and compromise and promises that you can have your cake and eat it too.

Unfortunately, real love doesn't work that way.

We now move on to the hospital scene. I am simply blown away by this next part. After describing yet again how much he wanted to kill her, Edward describes a fight he had with his family.

"I fought with Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time ... the worst fight we've ever had. Carlisle sided with me, and Alice." He grimaced when he said her name, I couldn't imagine why, "Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay." He shook his head indulgently.

Yes, every now and then I too like to indulge in a bit of head shaking. Also, WHAT THE FUCK?

Aren't the Cullen's supposed to be the righteous and selfless good guys? Isn't it their vow to not eat humans that they believe separates them from monstrous vampires? That we see ANY of them actually advocating the killing of Bella proves how full of shit they are. At least in the case of Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper, they are only good non-people eaters whenever it's convenient for them. Esme is also guilty for giving Edward the green light to do whatever he wants in this situation. I am particularly surprised by Emmett, considering what we just learned about him. He's obviously learned nothing from either Carlisle or those two times he "fell off the wagon."

They say the true test of a person's character and beliefs is how they stand up to adversity. Well, this shows which of the Cullens are actually willing to stick to their guns the moment things get tough.

Edward describes how he eavesdropped on Bella after the hospital incident. He then says that he'd have been better off if he had killed her in public than in the meadow, where there are no witnesses and no one to stop him. That isn't a creepy thing to say at all. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

I was human enough to have to ask. "Why?"

WHAT IS THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

Edward then professes his love for Bella in the hammiest way possible. Trying not to be out hammed (but failing), Bella gives a mercifully shorter declaration of her feelings.

"I'm here ... which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you."

What an idiot.

I frowned. "I'm an idiot."

Indeed you are.

"You are an idiot," he agreed with a laugh.

Then we're all agreed. Bella is an idiot.

Seriously, it's a little too soon to be playing the "I'd die for you" card. When a character reaches a point where she would literally die for the one she loves it is usually after they'd spent a significant amount of time together, endured trial and hardship, got to see each other's flaws and still loved each other; saw each other at their most broken and defeated and gave of themselves to help each other through. It is not something I'd expect to hear from people who only just met, have had barely any real interaction with each other, and are only just now on what could be considered their first date. You could likely count on your hands the number of hours these two have spent in each other's company. A very recent personal conversation involved asking what Bella's favorite color is.

That is why Meyer fails. This entire situation is so improbable that it snaps my suspension of disbelief in half. They have no real reason to be together other than the fact that they're physically attracted to each other. While this is fine for a starting point in a romance story, Twilight doesn't move on from that. What is presented in Twilight instead is a one-dimensional and incredibly shallow view of romance: two attractive people in a scenic location.

That is why I said that the meadow scene shouldn't be happening now; it assumes an intimacy that doesn't exist because the people involved don't even know each other. At this point any intimacy between Bella and Edward exists solely in the mind of the reader with no evidence existing in the actual book. The only way this romance works is if you accept Meyer's words at face value, do no independent thinking, ignore any and all plot holes and inconsistencies, and accept gratuitous descriptions of Edward's physical appearance as a substitute for character development. In other words, it only works if you have faith and don't question it.

Twilight is a romance novel only because Meyer says it is. We only believe there's love because we're told it's there, not because we actually see it. Sure we get significant glances, some touching, and dialog that Meyer assumes to be romantic, but we don't actually see LOVE. At the very most we see lust. This book would make more sense if Bella and Edward simply started fucking like jackrabbits. We're not watching two people in love, we're watching puppets. They are two people with no chemistry who are pretending to be in love because they make each other horny. They are acting the way they do because Meyer says so, not because their actions come naturally to them as people. The word "contrived" doesn't even begin to describe this. The book outright DEMANDS that you don't think, because the writer hasn't put much thought into the story herself.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb ... ,"

What ... the ... fuck?

After hearing a dozen Twilight fans quoting that line I thought that maybe it's one of those things that sounds a lot more awesome in context, but this is just bad. This whole book is bad. For the love of God, showing this tripe to prisoners in order to break their minds would be cruel and unusual punishment.

"What a stupid lamb," I sighed.
"What a sick, masochistic lion."

Can't ... withstand ... STUPIDITY!

Sanity Meter: 34%

Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!

Edward describes himself as masochistic, which proves that Meyer doesn't know what the word means, or does she mean to imply that Edward derives gratification from resisting his vampire urges? If so, then that kind of robs this situation of any of the drama Meyer tries and fails to create. You may be thinking "it's masochism because he stays with Bella even though she causes him pain." No! Masochism is the derivation of pleasure from pain and/or humiliation. For Edward's behavior to be masochistic he'd have to pursue Bella BECAUSE he gets a high off of the emotional pain rather than in spite of it. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella asks Edward what she can do to reduce Edward's desire to murder her.

"I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn't do ..."

Because the constant threat of death is such a great foundation for a relationship. Does anyone else think that the fact that she needs a guide on what not to do in order to avoid ending up lying in a ditch MIGHT be a bad sign?

"But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you."

You can cut your hair so that your neck is always exposed, and be sure to inflict a fresh cut once every hour on the hour. That would be quite helpful.

"Well ..." He contemplated for a moment. "It was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness. ..."

Oh, that perfectly explains why everyone with a uterus is constantly trying to hump Edward. It's because they're REPELLED by him. I was unaware that "repelled" means "incredibly turned on." Can you say "consistency fail"?

Bella comments that she wishes she could control her pulse because its speed may be bothering Edward. Yeah, good luck with that. What follows is a pretty awkward scene to say the least. Edward puts on his "boob inspector" hat as he rests his cheek on Bella's throat, getting quite a view of the twins. He then places his hands on Bella's shoulders and motorboats her. BBBRRRR!!!



Okay, he doesn't actually do that. Would have been funny, though. Edward decides that he likes one boob more than the other and moves his face for a better look. Oh, and he also listens to her heartbeat.

I don't know how long we sat without moving. It could have been hours.

And as those hours passed it became harder and harder for Bella to hold her bladder.

I knew at any moment it could be too much, and my life would end--so quickly that I might not even notice.

Oh, give it a rest already. I've already covered this topic in exhaustive detail, so I'm not going to bother with it now. I do wish, though, that Meyer would be a little more subtle. Show, don't tell. I'd get way more into this vibe of danger she's trying to create if she demonstrated it instead of explaining it over and over and over until my eyes bleed.

"Was that very bad for you?"
"Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. And you?"
"No, it wasn't bad ... for me."

You know, there are male enhancement products out there that can help you improve your performance.

Edward puts Bella's hand on his cheek to show her that ... *GASP* ... heat transfers! Wow, what a revolutionary discovery!

Um, question. If his skin can be warmed by skin-to-skin heat transfer, then how is it that he is constantly cold to the point where lightly touching Bella can give her frostbite (chapter 11)? Meyer is a pro at consistency, isn't she? (+1 Stupidity)

But I barely noticed, for I was touching his face, something I'd dreamed of constantly since the first day I'd seen him.

Lines like these make me consider the option of hiring someone to read this book for me.

Bella caresses Edward. In a paragraph so cheesy there aren't enough Frenchmen in the world to consume it, she described his "perfect" and "flawless" features. Edward opens his mouth, and Bella resists the urge to put her nose to his mouth again. (+1 Eye Sex)

Edward goes emo again and says that Bella can't possibly understand the complexity of his feelings. Neither do I, because these so-called complex feelings are not indicated in the book.

Out of all the stories I've seen or read that involves "good" vampires struggling with their natures, this is the worst. I can sympathize with the likes of, say, Angel, because that story actually SHOWS his plight rather than harping on about it. The common writing advice, "show, don't tell" can be likened to the phrase "actions speak louder than words." Both cases demand that you demonstrate your intentions rather than just talking about them.

That's the case here. Because Edward's situation is talked up so much but never demonstrated, Edward's constant brooding comes off as whining, and his words, however eloquent Meyer may try (and fail) to make them, are nothing but empty posturing. I mentioned this in part one when I compared Edward to Okana, but this is such a big issue that it bears repeating. In short, until I actually SEE this vampire struggle of Edward's outside of pretentious throw-away dialog, my response will continue to be as follows.



More cheesy dialog and Bella imitates Edward with the whole ear-on-chest thing, sans motorboating. Meyer then comments on Edward making the "very human gesture" of putting his arm on Bella. Edward says that he has human instincts, however deeply buried they may be. Considering that Edward has not once demonstrated behavior that could be considered alien, this just falls flat.

Meyer's problem is that she relies a lot on informed attributes. I'm sorry to bring up Okana AGAIN, but the quote from that page just jumps out at me as "this is so Edward Cullen!"

Picard asks Troi for her opinion, and in the most shameless example of Informed Attributes I think I've ever seen, Troi outlines, describes, and explains the entire character of Okona for us. ... How you will feel about this character! Live it, love it, learn it! Okona: The Freshmaker! Keep in mind, none of this will turn out to be true about Okona. At least, not from anything we'll actually see.

That's the last time, I swear! Meyer's use of informed attributes is especially egregious because she seems to be pulling new character attributes out of her ass whenever it's convenient. These are not integral parts of the characters or things that develop over time. No, it's more like "in this chapter Lauren is upset because Bella spends time with the Cullens. Now in this chapter she'll be mad because Tyler's attracted to her. Why? Because it's convenient."

It's a particular wall-banger when certain attributes are brought up when it's convenient and then never mentioned again, like Bella's hemophobia. Remember that? It only came up once as an excuse to have Bella conveniently be in the right place for Edward to ride in on his white horse and rescue the damsel.

There is one part I'm having a little trouble figuring out.

"You have to go."
"I thought you couldn't read my mind."
"It's getting clearer." I could hear a smile in his voice.

If that was meant as a joke, I don't get what the punch line is supposed to be. If this is supposed to be serious, did Meyer just suggest that Edward now has a limited capacity to read Bella's thoughts? Kind of defeats the purpose her being unique because he can't read her thoughts if that's the case.

"Can I show you something?" he asked, sudden excitement flaring in his eyes.

NO! NO NO NO! OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO!

"I'll show you how I travel in the forest."

Oh thank sweet merciful God. I thought he meant his penis.

Edward smiles, which nearly sends Bella into cardiac arrest. Meyer then jokes about him turning into a bat to demonstrate that her vampires are different, as if the sparkling hadn't already made that fact abundantly clear.

"Come on, little coward, climb on my back."

Make sure you're wearing that strap-on dildo I gave you. You're not quite Emmett, but with a little practice you'll do just fine.

Bella comments that though Edward can't hear her thoughts, he can hear her pulse. I wonder how that would work. I mean, if someone's hearing is so acute that he can he a person's pulse from a few paces away, just imagine all the other sounds he can hear. Good Lord, I wouldn't want to live in Manhattan with that ability.

Anyway, Bella is nervous about this idea so Edward calmly assures her that it is safe and gives her some time to act on her own initiative. Oh, I'm sorry, that isn't what he does at all. Nope, he just grabs Bella and slings her onto his back. You will do as Edward commands, you pathetic human creature!

He then starts running WITH SPARKLEPIRE SPEED, in a scene which I suspect is trying to rip off the flying scene from the Superman movie, just replace "flying over a city" with "running through a forest."

He streaked through the dark, thick underbrush of the forest like a bullet ...

So he charged in a straight trajectory until he either hit something or ran out of momentum?

... like a ghost. There was no sound, no evidence that his feet touched the earth.

There wasn't even the sound of the wind rushing through her ears from traveling at high speed? It's also very considerate of Edward to stop his running long enough for Bella to inspect his path for signs of his footfalls.

His breathing never changed, never indicated any effort.

We get it, Edward is super special awesome. Please stop reminding us!

But the trees flew by at deadly speeds, always missing us by inches.

Very safe indeed. Nothing could POSSIBLY go wrong in this situation. Lucky for Bella, Edward also has x-ray vision, which allows him to see obstacles and hazards that would normally be hidden. Also, I do hope that Bella isn't prone to motion sickness.

I was too terrified to close my eyes, though the cool forest air whipped against my face and burned them.

Ah, the rushing air that Bella somehow can't hear.

I felt as if I were stupidly sticking my head out the window of an airplane in flight.

Has Meyer ever flown on an airplane before? Unless she means a small craft that doesn't go very high or very fast, the windows on an airplane don't open, and they don't for a reason. It's a little thing called decompression. The pressurized air would be sucked out of the craft, everything not bolted down would be sucked into the window, including body parts, and many people would be quite unhappy and possibly dead. Why couldn't she have just said "car on the road" instead of "airplane in flight"?

And, for the first time in my life, I felt the dizzy faintness of motion sickness.

Yeah, taking her on this high speed run was a smashing idea, wasn't it?

They reach the truck in minutes, despite them having hiked for hours to reach the meadow. Let's have a look at this. Since Meyer has been vague on the exact times, I'll have to go with an approximation. Let's assume that they'd hiked for 2 hours at least (she said "hours" after all). The average walking speed is roughly 3 miles per hour, so that would mean they'd traveled about 6 miles, give or take. So Edward traveled roughly 6 miles in a few minutes. Again, Meyer is vague, but let's assume that it took Edward 6 minutes. That's one mile per minute, or 60 miles per hour.

I was unaware that among Edward's powers is the ability to transform into a blue hedgehog. Since this is just an approximation I'm not going to hold this against Meyer. My completely bullshit calculations above were just meant to give you an idea of the kinds of speeds it takes to traverse in mere minutes what takes hours of walking. Edward might have been going that fast or faster, considering Bella's motion sickness, the wind burning her eyes, and her sensation of sticking her head out an airplane.

So, yeah, he just took a girl who'd had panic attacks at his driving too fast on a high speed run at speeds rivaling that of cars. Do I even need to point out how reckless and stupid Edward's actions are? It's amazing that Bella didn't get whiplash from the g-forces created from his course corrections to avoid trees and other obstacles, which he'd have to make pretty damn rapidly and suddenly at those speeds.

I'm sure this is all meant to be impressive and Meyer is trying to blow our minds with how perfect Edward is supposed to be, but ... how do I put this ... HE FUCKING SPARKLES! I'm sorry, but there just isn't much more I can say than that. He fucking sparkles.

Anyway, Bella is having some trouble moving due to her shock at what just happened. Smooth move, sparkledouche. Bella expresses a desire to lie down, a clear indication of either discomfort or physical illness from the sudden high speed run. Need I remind you that she'd gotten motion sick along the way. Edward's response? He laughs. That's right, he subjected a human to his super speed power without warning, and the fact that she became sick from the sudden speed amuses him. Isn't he charming? (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

"I guess that wasn't the best idea," he mused.

GEE, YOU THINK? *facepalm*

Despite Edward's blasé treatment of the situation Bella tries to be positive, a clear attempt to spare his feelings. In response, Edward mocks her.

"Hah! You're as white as a ghost--no, you're as white as me!"

Because girls LOVE it when you kick them while they're down. *sigh*

I suppose what really matters is that he's learned that Bella + sparklepire speed = sick Bella, and will think twice before subjecting her to that again. Mistake made, lesson learned.

"I think I should have closed my eyes."
"Remember that next time."
"Next time!" I groaned.
He laughed, his mood still radiant.

You have GOT to be kidding me! You are not making it easy for me to like you, Edward. You are not making it easy at all.

Meyer spends a short paragraph gushing over Edward's physical appearance, followed by Edward bragging about how running at those speeds is so easy he doesn't even have to think about it. Then they kiss, or rather he kisses her and then is surprised when she reciprocates. I just have to shake my head and chuckle at this. Two people in twu wuv, expressing their unconditional and irrevocable love for each other, one expressing a casual willingness to die for the other, and they hadn't even kissed yet.

I gather from the writing that Edward was testing to see if he'd murder her if he got too excited from their kissing. He has no trouble with it, reining in his bloodlust so neatly that we don't even see a hint of it. For something that has been talked up so much as this huge, dangerous thing, it's a surprising non-factor here. From what I see in this book so far, the vampire bloodlust only exists to supply Edward with angst so that Bella and Edward's "relationship" can be made out to be this forbidden and dangerous thing. The problem is that we're not dealing with actual danger, but rather the promise of danger. Again, we are told but not shown.

Edward offers Bella a hand to help her up, which she finds strange, commenting on how she's used to their "careful non-contact." I already described in chapter eleven how ridiculous it is that these two people who are supposedly in twu wuv don't even casually touch each other, so I won't go into that again here. I still find it funny.

More gushing about Edward's appearance, talking about his "seraphic" face and how it would cause her physical pain to be separated from him. Ugh! I think a little bit of my lunch just came up there. (+1 Eye Sex)

They then talk about who is going to drive.

"I can drive better than you on your best day," he teased. "You have much slower reflexes."

God you're such a douche.

"I'm sure that's true, but I don't think my nerves, or my truck, could take it."

A valid point. She's already sick from Edward's impulsive sparkle run, so being subjected to him flagrantly breaking the speed limit would be a bit much at this point. He argues, but she says no.

He raised his eyebrows in disbelief.

How DARE this HOO-MAHN not do exactly what I say? Think about this for a second. Edward fully expects to get exactly what he wants in this "relationship," so much so that Bella saying no to him is a source of disbelief. He literally cannot believe that she told him no. How fucked up is that?

Edward agrees to let Bella rest up a little, then either let her drive when she feels up to it or drive the truck himself with a promise not to go too fast so she doesn't get sick.

Oh, I'm sorry, that's exactly what he DOESN'T do. He just insists on getting his own way, saying that he's not going to let her drive drunk. She asks what he means by that.

"You're intoxicated by my very presence." He was grinning that playful smirk again.

A certain song comes to mind when I read this line.

Also, how do you grin a smirk? What next, will Edward laugh a chuckle?

There was no way around it; I couldn't resist him in anything.

Sentences like these make me want to pull my hair out. I stare at my e-reader, unbelieving, thinking "oh, COME ON! How can people NOT see what is wrong with that sentence?" *sigh*

I don't know what's worse, the fact that Bella is so weak-willed that she can't say no to Edward and stick to her guns, even over something as relatively minor as this, or the fact that THIS is what young girls are trumpeting as one of the greatest romances in recent history. As I have pointed out in previous chapters, namely chapter ten, Bella lets Edward get away with a ton of shit. He belittles her, condescends to her, threatens her (parking lot incident anyone?), ignores her wishes, emotionally manipulates her, stalks her, and breaks into her house without her knowledge (though I'll let that last one slide for now since she doesn't know it yet). Generally he is a brash, reckless jerk who is convinced that HE knows what's best for Bella without any input from her and insists that she WILL do what HE wants whether she likes it or not. All of this while knowing her for all of ... gosh, how long has it been so far? Weeks?

He is a control freak, a manipulator, and a hypocrite. She puts up with all of this, and why? Because he's pretty. Because he is physically attractive he can do no wrong. This behavior is not even restricted to the characters in the book; the fans themselves will defend Edward to the death for similar, if not the same, reasons. What irritates me is when they chime in "he does it for her own good, he loves her, he means well so it's okay."

No. No it is not.

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions, folks. It does not matter if he genuinely means well, though whether or not he does is debatable. If you were locked in a room and told you could never leave, would it matter if the furniture was nice and you were fed well? No. Regardless of the conditions you would still be a prisoner. To use another phrase, a gilded cage is still a cage.

That is exactly what Edward is, a gilded cage. They both look nice and shiny, but they keep you prisoner all the same. Does it matter if you're locked in because your jailer thinks that's what's best for you? No. What I find truly disturbing is how close the "good intentions" argument comes to the testimony of some abused women who actually defend their assailants. "He only hits me because he loves me!" Ugh!



Just like how it is never okay to beat your spouse, even if you're psychotic enough to honestly believe you're doing it for her own good, Edward's behavior cannot be excused merely on the grounds that "he means well." I'd be willing to lay odds that if Edward were ugly he wouldn't get away with nearly as much crap as he does. Just putting that out there.

I just noticed that in part one I kept referencing Star Trek, and now I'm referencing Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I guess my little way of coping with the sheer amount of suck in Twilight is to think of other, better fiction.

I held the key high and dropped it, watching his hand flash like lightning to catch it soundlessly.

Uhhhhh hhahaha hahahahahahahah!!!

Sanity Meter: 12%

Later that day Edward went home to do his math homework. He solved equations with his right hand and wrote names with his left. He took a potato chip ... AND ATE IT!.

Seriously, can Edward do a single thing without Meyer trying to make it sound epic? If this is what happens when he catches keys, I wonder if O Fortuna plays in the background when he enters his ATM code. Now I get what Robert Pattinson meant when he said that Meyer was mad and that reading this book felt voyeuristic. I'm getting this definite sense that I am trapped in an insane woman's wet dream about a fantasy guy who is idealized to such an extent that he literally cannot do the smallest thing without it looking like a scene out of the movie 300. (+1 Stupidity)

"Are you not affected at all?" I asked, irked. "By my presence?"

Hmm, is Edward affected at all by Bella's presence? That's a good question. If only a large chunk of this chapter had been devoted to explaining the answer to that question in drawn-out, overly-dramatic detail. Oh, wait, IT HAS!

And so the chapter ends with an awkward paragraph involving Edward's lips and Bella's jaw line.

Praise the Flying Spaghetti Monster, this chapter is finally over! It's over! I have overcome the meadow scene! Hahaha! aaahahahahaha!!!!! I AM DA MAN!

*sigh*

... I just realized that this book isn't over yet. *cries*

Sanity Meter: 0%



But oh, beamish nephew, beware of the day,
If your Snark be a Boojum! For then
You will softly and suddenly vanish away,
And never be met with again!

Final Tally

+2 Purple Prose
+4 Bad Boyfriend
+4 Thesaurus Rape
+5 Eye Sex
+8 Stupidity

The Meadow Scene - Part One

WHY!!?? WHY!!?? WHY!!??

Thirteen. An unlucky number. An unholy number. A number so universally dreaded that building architects will purposely omit a thirteenth floor in order to avoid frightening superstitious tenants. How fitting, then, that arguably the most infamous scene of the Twilight series should take place in chapter thirteen. We all knew that it would come to this. I knew it when I started this blog, but it seemed like such a far off thing when I first decided to give that rank amateur, Stephanie Meyer, the verbal beating she deserves.

The scene on which the entire series was based, the very wet dream that first inspired Meyer to raise the romance genre to new heights of mediocrity and butcher the poor vampire in the process. This chapter is the distilled essence of the entire series, and I do not expect to complete this one with my sanity fully intact. Let's move on, then, and get this over with as quickly (if not painlessly) as possible.

Sanity Meter: 100%

The chapter begins with, what else, a description of Edward.

Edward in the sunlight was shocking.

If he were a real vampire, Edward in the sunlight would be burning. If only that were true.

His skin white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip ...

This has been bothering me for a while. Bella constantly describes the Cullens as pale, and here she describes Edward's skin as white. Not Caucasian white, but pale white. Doesn't anyone ever comment on this? I wonder if all those people who turn their heads and stare at Edward are actually stunned by his supposed beauty, as Bella believes, or if they're simply wondering if the guy is either wearing makeup or has a skin condition.

... literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface.

I knew a guy who sparkled once. He wasn't a vampire, he was just gay and liked to wear body glitter.

And so we finally come to this, the moment that began the wussification of the vampires, turning them from mysterious creatures of the night to sparkling pussies who fit better in a Rainbow Brite cartoon than a crypt. Goodbye classic lords of darkness such as Dracula, the underground societies of Vampire: The Masquerade, dashing rogues such as Lestat, tortured heroes such as Angel, and diabolical anti-heroes such as Kain. Make way for this new breed of highly pretentious vampire that sparkles like Tinkerbell and replaces a genuine personality with whining and brooding in a failed attempt to make themselves look "deep."

He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHGGGGGGG!!!

Sanity Meter: 87%

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GARBAGE I AM READING? I'M BLIND! MY EYES BURN! ALL I CAN SEE IS PURPLE! (+1 Purple Prose)

And one more. (+1 Eye Sex)

Meyer really fucks the thesaurus here, throwing in as many synonyms for "sparkling" as possible. Let's look at the two worst offenders, shall we?

His chest is described as incandescent. So Edward's chest is either glowing with a bright light and producing intense heat or is simply "OMG IT HURTS MY EYES!" bright. "Incandescent" relates to a bright, brilliant light, not sparkling. The word isn't even a synonym for "sparkling," so I'm not sure where she got it.(+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Next we have Edward's arms, which are described as scintillating. Wow! Not only is Edward's chest emitting a bright light, his arms are witty as well! (Note: A reader cited an entry in a dictionary I had not consulted that contradicts this point. Therefore, the Thesaurus Rape point has been revoked)

Now and then, his lips would move, so fast it looked like they were trembling. But, when I asked, he told me he was singing to himself; it was too low for me to hear.

There are two ways I can take this. Either he is singing in an extremely low volume, or Edward Cullen is an elephant. Given just how far Meyer is willing to go to make Edward super special awesome, I wouldn't put it past her to say that Edward is producing infrasound. The speed at which his lips move indicate that he is "singing" at a speed that would be incomprehensible to humans. In other words, Meyer is once again hinting, with all the subtlety of an anvil to the face, that Edward is oh so special. He can produce and perceive infrasound, and he can sing really fast! Color me impressed. Wait, did I say impressed? I meant bored. This is just more blah blah, Edward is awesome, blah blah. It's getting really old. (+1 Stupidity)

You know what? I'm going to give Meyer the benefit of the doubt and try to assume that she meant he was singing in a really low volume, which is still dumb since their close proximity would mean that he'd essentially have to be making no sound for it not to be audible.

Bella pulls her finger out of Edward's sparkly ass long enough to spend a paragraph describing the sun and the air, and this reprieve from this literary ejaculation is all too short. Faster than you can say vampire dildo she's back to describing Edward.

The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.

You know what's funny? Back in chapter one Bella said that she was not verbose. Boy did she make a liar out of herself!

What follows has to be one of the most awkward and poorly structured sentences I have ever read.

Hesitantly, always afraid, even now, that he would disappear like a mirage, too beautiful to be real ... hesitantly, I reached out one finger and stroked the back of his shimmering hand, where it lay within my reach.

Suddenly, it appears, even now, that Stephenie Meyer has, for one brief moment ... suddenly, she started sounding like William Shatner.

She goes on like this for the rest of the paragraph, which leaves me to wonder if she was typing this part with one hand ... and I just grossed myself out. DAMN MY IMAGINATION! (+1 Purple Prose)

Edward asks Bella if he scares her. She says no and he smiles.

He smiled wider; his teeth flashed in the sun.

MY EYES! MY EYES!!!

After that she starts tracing her fingers over his "perfect" arm and ... alright, that does it. I am going to count how many times the word "perfect" is used in this chapter.

*Goes back and reads*

I count four so far, and we're only at the beginning of the chapter. This, of course, isn't even counting all the synonyms for "perfect" and the allusions to perfection that she's also used. I don't even want to add all of those up. Damn. The Borg waste their time assimilating entire species in order to find perfection when if they only took Edward Cullen they would be ascended to the level of demi-gods. We get it, Meyer, Edward is perfect. Can we PLEASE move on and have your ZOMG PERFECT little sparklepire actually DO SOMETHING? So far he's just lying there and we're getting pages of exposition out of THAT? (+1 Eye Sex)

DO SOMETHING!

DO SOMETHING!



Edward does something ... sort of. He moves his hand so that it faces palm up, but he does it with super special awesome sparklepire speed! Meyer uses the SUPA KEWL sparklepire effects so often it's like watching a Michael Bay movie. Bella fondles his hand (I am not kidding) and Edward asks what she's thinking.

Blah blah, Bella says she can't believe he's actually real, blah, blah, they talk about how scary he is, blah blah. I'm sorry, but I find it a little hard to find a guy who SPARKLES IN THE SUN to be the least bit intimidating.

Edward sits up ... WITH SPARKLEPIRE SPEED!

More clumsy prose about Edward's angelic face and his mesmerizing eyes. (+1 Eye Sex)

Edward asks what about him scares Bella. This guy is seriously starting to sound like a broken MP3.

Edward: Do I scare you? Are you afraid of me? I'm frightening, you know. Have I asked you within the last ten seconds if I scare you? I lost track.

Eddy, darling, if you ever were threatening that ship sailed the moment you turned into a human disco ball. I don't care how many superpowers you have. You could be kicking my ass this very instant and, rather than fear, the only thing I'd feel is deep, burning shame at being beat up by a care bear.

Also, does this guy get off on girls telling him he scares them? Maybe that's why he resorts to stalking and breaking into houses instead of asking for a date like a normal person. Bella tries to answer his question, but then she smells his breath and spends a paragraph describing how awesome it is. JESUS CHRIST ON A POGO STICK, can we PLEASE move on from describing Edward and get to the actual story?

Sanity Meter: 76%

Edward gets up and walks away ... WITH SPARKLEPIRE SPEED!!! ZOMG OVERUSED!!! He stands in the shade of a tree and strikes an emo pose.

"I'm ... sorry ... Edward," I whispered. I knew he could hear.

I'm sorry that I put my nose all up in your mouth so I could creepily smell your breath. My mommy always tells me to stop doing that. Oh, FYI, I advise you not to fart in my presence.

After "ten incredibly long seconds," sparkledouche goes back to Bella and sits down. Gracefully, of course. He then smiles an apology for being a melodramatic pussy. Can you imagine if Bella described Edward doing something else mundane?

Bella: My heart stopped as I watched Edward gracefully place the toothbrush in his perfect mouth. He stroked with the brush, back and forth, like Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel. His elegant fingers teased the shaft of the brush, and the gentle movement of his cheeks as he brushed his molars made me go short of breath. He gently lowered his head and released a stream of foamy saliva into the sink, white like his perfect skin.

Almost makes you wonder how she'd describe him gargling.

Bella decides that now is the time for some false tension, so she thinks she's in danger for no explained reason. Edward then decides that now is the perfect time to remind the readers of how awesome he is.

"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in--my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I needed any of that!"

EEEW! I'm sorry, but the last thing I want to think about is Edward's inviting smells. Blegh! Also, way to be completely full of yourself, sparkledouche.

Edward shows off his awesomeness by running around the meadow ... WITH SPARKLEPIRE SPEED! "As if you could outrun me," he remarks. He then shows off his super strength by ripping off a tree branch and throwing it at another tree. "As if you could fight me off," he comments. Contradicting everything he's ever told Bella, she tells her not to be afraid ... directly after showing off his superpowers and making veiled threats. Way to set a girl at ease, asshole.

What really bothers me about this book is the wasted potential. There are so many opportunities for genuine conflict that go totally ignored. Take Edward's speech about being the perfect predator, for example. It could have become a major plot point, with Edward questioning whether Bella is truly in love with HIM as a person, or if she's merely infatuated with an illusion. Does Bella really see him for who he is, or has his perfect trap merely ensnared another prey?

The doubt he'd feel could have been a great source of character development, as Edward questions where he ends and the "perfect predator" begins. Instead we just get Edward showing off superpowers and Meyer trying to pass off brooding and whining as character growth.

Anyway, Edward sits back down--sinuously, of course--and apologizes for being disturbed by Bella sniffing his breath.

Wait ... what?

They go back to the topic of how scary Edward is, but Bella is too busy tracing the lines in Edward's palm with her fingertip to pay attention to the conversation. She describes his palm as iridescent, so apparently his palm is rainbow colored.

So let's add up all of these descriptions. Edward sparkles, his body produces a bright light, his arms are witty, and he displays numerous colors like that of a rainbow. I tried finding something that meets all of these descriptions with Google Image, and this is the closest I could find. Just add sparkles. My apologies to the artist for in any way linking his work with this piece of shit book, which already takes a big enough dump on Native Americans as it is.

Most of the absurdities with Edward's (many) descriptions are a result of Meyer not knowing how to use a god damn dictionary, but those same descriptions highlight a major flaw in Edward's character. It all goes back to the same complaint I've been making this entire time. Meyer is obsessed with painting Edward as this godly, larger-than-life character, but she never has him DO anything worthy of the lofty praise she heaps on him. So far all Edward has done is whine, be emo, threaten Bella, and generally act like a jerk, to say nothing of the stalking. We're not close to the end of the book and Edward has already committed crimes that would land anyone in the real world in jail. To think of his behavior as romantic is simply delusional.

You know, I think I finally figured out who Edward really is. Edward Cullen's real name ... is Okona.

For those of you who don't know, Okona is a character from an episode of Star Trek TNG, unfortunately titled "The Outrageous Okona." In that episode we are told an awful lot about this character. Here's an excerpt from the script.

PICARD
Counselor, can you read him?

TROI
His emotions suggest that he is
mischievous, irreverent and
somewhat brazen.
(beat)
And some other things...
(unsure)
The word that seems to describe
him best is "rogue."

DATA
Rogue? Accessing "rogue."
(kicks in)
Cad, knave, rake, rascal,
scoundrel, villain.

TROI
Yes, all of that, but he shows
no malevolence, or ill will.

Of course we see during the course of the episode that he is, in fact, none of those things. The episode tries its best to make him out to be some badass James Bond character who lives on the edge (Riker even gives an impromptu speech about how awesome he is), but the actual character is little more than a one-dimensional idiot who everyone adores for no apparent reason (sound familiar?). Instead of witty, his dialog is awkward. Instead of charming, his attempts to woo the ladies wouldn't even work on a total amnesiac who needs to be told what a penis is. Instead of funny, his jokes just make a little piece of you die on the inside.

It's the same thing here. Just like how the TNG episode focuses so much on EXPLAINING Okona to us that it forgets to actually have him act the part, Twilight relies so heavily on descriptions of Edward that the character as he's described and as he's portrayed are essentially two different people. It's also important to note that, in both cases, the fault isn't in the character concept. In the hands of a competent writer, both Okona and Edward could have been really good characters. The problem is, well, how do I put this gently ... THE WRITERS ARE FRIGGEN MORONS!

Back to the book. To my complete and utter surprise, Bella seems to acknowledge that she may be a little too into Edward. This causes Edward to crank the emo meter up to eleven and go on about how she shouldn't want him and he should leave and blah blah blah. Then we come to this interesting bit. If you think that I'm judging Edward too harshly, take a look at this:

"I don't want you to leave," I mumbled pathetically, staring down again.
"Which is exactly why I should. But don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."

There! Straight from the asshole's mouth! He outright admits that the only reason he keeps stalking Bella is pure selfishness. You know what's worse? This isn't even the first time he's admitted this. Back in Chapter Five he specifically told Bella that he "got tired" of avoiding her and was just going to do whatever he wanted. In other words he endangers Bella's life ... BECAUSE HE'S LAZY! I went over that part in the summary for that chapter, so read it to get the full "Edward is a selfish prick" experience.

Edward Cullen, there is not a word in the English language that can accurately describe just how big of an asshole you are. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

This also makes Edward a hypocrite when you consider what he said to Bella in chapter ten.

"Don't you see? That's what proves me right. I care the most, because I can do it"--he shook his head, seeming to struggle with the thought--"if leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."

And he follows that, three chapters later, with this:

"... I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."

A real class act, he is. Just look at how he so nobly goes back on his word and places Bella's life in danger just because he's selfish. Oh, and if you're thinking that this is supposed to be foreshadowing for New Moon, it's worth noting that New Moon hadn't even been conceived of while Twilight was being written. This is just Meyer being a terrible writer. Edward's actions are proof positive that he doesn't give a shit about Bella. Edward is just doing what's best for Edward, and to Hell with everything else. That he is also risking the safety of his family, as we learned in chapter twelve, only compounds his selfishness.

Edward immediately scolds Bella for reacting positively to his statement, preaching once again that he is dangerous. This time even Bella comments on his sudden mood swings ... after she's finished having an orgasm over his voice, which is apparently "more beautiful than any human voice." Ugh!

Let's go over this, shall we? In Edward's own words, he is too selfish to leave Bella alone. Even if Bella were to follow his advice to the letter and actively avoid him, he'd just keep stalking her anyway. Edward also went out of his way to demonstrate that Bella can neither escape him nor defend herself from him. Where does this leave Bella? Shit out of luck, that's where!

Edward's constant preaching to Bella is emotional manipulation, plain and simple. By constantly harping on how dangerous he is, he is making it out as if it'd be Bella's fault if he ever ended up murdering her, because that'd mean she'd failed to heed his warnings, while leaving himself completely blameless. This is, emotionally and potentially physically, an example of Why Did You Make Me Hit You.

Any normal person exhibiting this behavior would either a) receive a lot of restraining orders, b) find someone just as nutty as he, or c) meet someone who is weak enough to accept his abusive behavior (and maybe even think that she deserves it). The latter two cases would result in an unhealthy relationship based on power and abuse. Woe to any children born into such a house.

Edward's behavior pattern is not that of a person in love, it is the behavior of a stalker. His "need" to be with Bella is not a sign of being "in love," it is merely an unhealthy obsession. In John D. Moore's book, Confusing Love with Obsession, he describes a wheel of obsession with multiple phases. Judging by what I've seen of Bella and Edward so far, I would say they're at the first phase: the attraction phase.

An instant attraction to romantic interest, usually occurring within the first few minutes of meeting.

Bella and Edward. So much!

An immediate urge to rush into a relationship regardless of compatibility.

Exactly how long had Bella been around Edward before declaring her "unconditional and irrevocable" love for him, without so much as knowing what his hobbies are?

Becoming "hooked on the look" of another, focusing on the person's physical characteristics while ignoring personality differences.

The only way anyone could NOT notice this behavior in Bella is if he/she never reads the book, is illiterate, is comatose, or is named Stephanie Meyer.

Unrealistic fantasies about a relationship with a love interest, assigning "magical" qualities to an object of affection.

Bella ... so ... much! I mean, seriously. I've named so many examples in this blog that it would take me too long to list them here.

The beginnings of obsessive, controlling behaviors begin to manifest.

Edward dragging Bella forcefully to his car and threatening her until she got in. Edward stalking her across towns. Edward breaking into Bella's bedroom at night to watch her sleep. Edward breaking into Bella's house to go through her dirty laundry for her keys. Edward developing a jealous dislike of Mike because he also likes Bella. Edward generally ignoring Bella's wishes and ordering her about. Bella becoming upset with Edward whenever he doesn't show up for school on a sunny day (even after learning of his vampirism). Bella idolizing Edward to divine levels, based on nothing but his looks.

But I digress.

Bella asks Edward to explain himself. He makes a food analogy, which turns into a drawn out alcohol analogy in which he compares Bella to the finest 100 year-old brandy in existence (not Mary Sue-ish at all!). He says that an alcoholic would be extremely tempted by that, which only proves that Meyer has never actually seen an alcoholic. It doesn't matter if the brandy is a century-old treasure or something picked up at the local liquor store with pocket money. A booze fiend would go for either equally. This is because ... get this ... THEY'RE ALCOHOLICS! They're after the ALCOHOL to get DRUNK, not to daintily sip with their pinkies in the air and comment on the bouquet. It doesn't matter if what they drink is fancy or cheap, it gives them the same buzz either way.

Deciding that the century-old brandy comparison didn't do Bella justice (coughMarySuecough), he shifts it to a drug analogy (because heroin is so much more dignified than brandy) and then ... *sigh*

Yeah, you know what's coming next.

"Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin."

Oh ... my ... God ...

Sanity Meter: 53%

I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on Hari-Kiri rock! I NEED SCISSORS! 61!

Um ... what? Did I just say something? I blacked out there for a second.

Anyway, do I even need to point out how messed up that comparison is? Obviously I do, since there are plenty of people who insist that this is one of the greatest romances ever told while completely ignoring disturbing crap like this. Seriously, what was Meyer thinking? Was she even thinking at all when she wrote this? That is just an awful example to give to the impressionable young girls who are this book's target audience. Don't know what heroin is, Little Lucy 13 year-old? After reading Twilight and doing a Google search, now you know! Better save up that lunch money for your first dime bag. (+1 Stupidity)

Oh, and if you think I may be overreacting and that one little mention in a book can't possibly have any real-life consequences, consider the Twilight-themed heroin bags that became popular in 2009.

The heroin analogy, unfortunate implications aside, is actually an apt description of their "relationship," just not in the way that Meyer imagined. Drug abuse is a serious problem that can cause people to do stupid and reckless things. It is unhealthy and destructive, and the best thing an addict can do is seek help. That is Edward and Bella's "relationship" in a nutshell.

If Edward's heroin analogy is to be taken seriously, then it amazes me that he doesn't realize that he's not really in love with Bella. All of his analogies--food, alcohol, drugs--are about her blood. Bella's blood is his ice cream, his cognac, his heroin. He's not in love with Bella, he's in love with her blood. She is just a meat puppet to him. He keeps following her everywhere and is too "selfish" to leave her alone because he really wants to drink her blood. A drug addict doesn't "love" his dealer, he loves the product.

Twilight: you know it's true love when your attraction is likened to the junkie selling back alley blowjobs to support his habit.

Edward belabors the point as he further explains how his brothers reacted to people who's blood was addictive to them, namely Emmett. He then states that, in his century or so of un-life, he has never encountered a human being who's blood was as appealing to him as Bella's. *coughMarySuecough*

Bella asks about Emmett, which causes Edward to go emo again. He says that even the strongest vampire can "fall off the wagon," in reference to how each time Emmett encountered people with appealing blood he had ended up murdering them.

"I mean, is there no hope, then?" How calmly I could discuss my own death!

Remember kiddies, it's okay to have a boyfriend who may murder you as long as he's pretty. If he's ugly, call the police because that would be totally creepy. Seriously, how dumb is this girl? (+1 Stupidity)

Bella: Oh Edward, have I told you how beautiful and god-like you are?
Edward: Yes, you did ... ten seconds ago.
Bella: Being with you is like a dream!
Edward: I eat people.
Bella: You are so handsome, like a supermodel!
Edward: I could very easily kill you at any time.
Bella: Your breath smells like Heaven!
Edward: Every second in your presence is literally a struggle to keep myself from tearing your throat open and feasting on your blood.
Bella: Your muscles are so perfect!
Edward: Read my lips: I ... WILL ... KILL YOU!
Bella: You're like a Greek god!
Edward: Are you even listening?
Bella: Ooh, sparkles!

Contradicting what he said earlier, Edward states that he could NEVER slip like Emmett did twice. Those people were strangers, he says. Wait, so that somehow makes it okay? Also, how long have Bella and Edward been seeing each other? Not bloody long! He also says that it happened a long time ago and that Emmett is more practiced now. Good for him, but what does this have to do with EDWARD'S bloodlust? He's the one in danger of "falling off the wagon," not Emmett. Since this is his first time, that's even more cause for concern!

Even if Emmett is wiser from his experience, it still took him two grisly murders to reach that point. Also, unless he meets someone else with addictive blood there is no way to tell whether he really can restrain himself now. For all we know he could end up doing it again, yet Edward claims that he can accomplish what Emmett cannot? Is he saying he's better than him? Also, Edward just finished saying that even the strongest vampire can slip, and yet he claims that he won't. Is he implying that he is stronger than the strongest vampire? Can he BE any more arrogant? (+1 Stupidity)

Wow. I really have to give Meyer credit here. This chapter actually manages to get worse each time I look at it, as if there were layers of crap that were too subtle to be picked up the first time. No, that's not quite right; nothing about this book is subtle. It's more like there was so much crap when I first read this chapter that it distracted me from the other crap. Each time I think that Meyer's writing couldn't get worse, she manages to find new ways to lower my expectations yet again.

This book is, in fact, so bad that not even Candlejack would touch it with a