Twilight - Chapter Five

Get in the Volvo NOW!

This chapter opens immediately where the last one left off. I only hope this means that the last chapter had been so long that it had to be split. I swear if this chapter is as plodding and pointless as the last one I'm going to go on a murderous rampage.

Bella walks to her next class in a daze, overwhelmed by the massively epic plot twist of ... Edward asking Bella to ride in his Volvo. I think Meyer misunderstands the concept of rising and falling action. You're supposed to have the action in a book gradually rise, peak, and then gradually fall. Meyer had the action so far gradually rise, peak at the van accident, and then plummet. I'M BORED OUT OF MY GORAM MIND OVER HERE! The fact that asking Bella to ride in his car was the high point of the entire last chapter still boggles my mind.

Bella gets to class late and notices that Mike wasn't in his usual place next to her. She feels guilty for this, as she should, but I still find it a bit presumptuous of her to think that Mike's different seating today has to do with her. She was late, after all, so she hadn't been there to sit next to in the first place. Also, perhaps Mike has one or two other things in his life than Bella Swan. Mike talks to Bella about the weather, and you can just tell how full of herself Bella is as she pretends to listen to ease Mike's shattered soul after the crushing disappointment of being turned down by the magnificence that is Bella. Still, she comments that it was hard to do so.

Get over yourself. (+1 Bitch)

The rest of the morning was a blur for Bella, who lets us know that she still couldn't comprehend what had just happened between her and Edward.

Maybe it was just a very convincing dream that I'd confused with reality. That seemed more probable than that I really appealed to him on any level.

All he did was ask her to ride in his Volvo! To listen to her you'd think he just proposed marriage or something. Is Bella really so needy that she has to make such a big deal over something so small?

Jessica and her enter the cafeteria and Bella is eager for another shot at eye sex with Edward. She wonders if he's gone back to being an asshat who ignores her, or if he "by some miracle" had actually meant what he'd said earlier. Miracle? IT'S ONLY A CAR RIDE! Turning water into wine is a miracle. Riding in some emo boy's Volvo is not.

Bella barely pays attention to Jessica, describing her talk about the upcoming dance as "babble." Wait ... after spending the bulk of the last chapter talking about the dance, making plans for the dance, finding a way to avoid the dance, we are to understand that it is a completely inconsequential event? Then WHY did it get so many pages and pages of attention last chapter? Was all of that for nothing? Oh, wait, I forgot that it was all to set up Edward to offer Bella a ride in the sparkle-mobile. Something that could have been done a LOT more quickly and directly if this whole dance nonsense had been cut short or cut out entirely. (+1 Stupidity)

So Bella looks around the cafeteria and notices that Edward isn't in his usual place. Bella's reaction is kind of like if she'd just discovered that bother her parents were dead, her house burned down, she had no money, and developed breast cancer.

Disappointment flooded through me as my eyes unerringly focused on his table. The other four were there, but he was absent. Had he gone home? I followed the still-babbling Jessica through the line, crushed. I'd lost my appetite--I bought nothing but a bottle of lemonade. I just wanted to go sit down and sulk.

If you listen closely you can almost hear the emo music playing in the background. (+1 Wangst).

Dear God, this girl is a clingy! And don't say "she's just a teenager," that is bullshit. Teenaged girls have more self-respect than that. She's only even really spoken to him like, what, twice now? The rest of the time Edward has been a gargantuan douchebag to her. You know who Bella is? Bella is every damsel in distress on every Lifetime special about spousal abuse.

So far the only explanation given as to why Bella is so needy when it comes to Edward is ... he's handsome and ... he's handsome, and also ... he's handsome. Damn this book is shallow! I know this book is about Bella and Edward, but in any romance book there should be some sensible reason why the two characters fall for each other. So far there is no love in this "romance" book, just mindless lust.

I also really don't care for how Bella demeans Jessica here, calling her talk "babble." That speaks of how utterly self-absorbed Bella is. Even if Bella doesn't particularly care about the dance, it obviously means something to Jessica. Paying some interest in what's important to your friends is one of the most basic foundations of friendship. That Bella is so wrapped up in "me me ME!" that she can't seem to grasp that only shows what a horrible bitch she is. (+1 Bitch)

It turns out that Bella's latest trip on the WAHmbulance is for nothing, for in a plot twist so EPIC that it will knock your socks off and swallow your very soul ... Edward just happens to be in a different seat this time (dun dun DUNNN!).

Wait ... what? Is this for real? Is this what passes for story in this book? What, will the next development revolve around Edward wearing a different cologne?

Jessica tells Bella that Edward is staring at her, and faster than you can say "here boy, daddy's got some nice kibble for you," Bella snaps her head up so fast it's surprising that she didn't get whiplash. With a motion of his finger and a come-hither look, Edward signals for Bella to join him at his empty table.

"Does he mean you?" Jessica asked with insulting astonishment in her voice.

Insulting astonishment? Wasn't Bella the one who was just saying how it was most likely that she was dreaming than that Edward could ever possibly be interested in her? You'd think she'd be just as surprised as Jessica, given that. Does Meyer have a selective memory or something?

So she sits down with Edward and immediately eye-humps him some more.

It was hard to believe that someone so beautiful could be real. I was afraid that he might disappear in a sudden puff of smoke, and I would wake up.

And when she woke up the sheets would be mysteriously wet. (+1 Eye Sex)

So this is true love, huh? No getting to know the person, no spending any length of time with him, no slowly building up a relationship over a period of time. Just, "you're so HOT! I'm instantly in love now." Excuse me as I go to my phone and call women everywhere to apologize on behalf of Meyer for setting feminism back a few decades.

Bella tries to break the ice, and that goes about as well as you'd expect from two people who know jack squat about each other. Can't you just feel the twu wuv, folks? It's Edward's turn to talk, and he goes on like this.

"I decided as long as I am going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly."

By "go to hell" Edward means the possibility of losing control of his vampire urges, murdering Bella, and sucking her blood. In that case it would be Bella going to hell, not Sparklepants. Edward clearly knows this but decided: "Hey, why fight it? If I'm going to go berserk and kill this girl I may as well do it thoroughly." In other words, he decided he no longer cares about Bella's safety and only cares about what HE wants. What ... an ... asshole! (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

Since Bella doesn't know he's a vampire yet, she doesn't know what this means. Edward changes the subject and points out that her friends are probably a bit miffed at him stealing Bella away from them. Bella's response is to say "they'll survive," again showing a total disregard for her friends.

Oh, and in case any of you fans out there thought I was being a bit rough on Edward or making too much out of his statement about going to hell, Edward takes this opportunity to further expound upon his decision to keep seeing Bella. She asks why Edward is suddenly hitting on her and he explains thusly.

"I told you--I got tired of trying to stay away from you. So I'm giving up." He was still smiling, but her ocher eyes were serious.
"Giving up?" I repeated in confusion.
"Yes--giving up trying to be good. I'm just going to do what I want now, and let the chips fall where they may." His smile faded as he explained, and a hard edge crept into his voice.

There it is right there! Straight from the horse's mouth. Edward just specifically told us "oh, I got tired of resisting the urge to be with you, and even though that will likely mean your gruesome death, I'm just going to do whatever the hell I want now." Is this the behavior of a person in love? No! This is the behavior of a dog in heat. This is lust. If real love had been any part of this equation, Edward wouldn't have made such a selfish and potentially disastrous (for Bella) decision.

We now interrupt this summary to bring you this important public service announcement!



Bella asks if this means that they're friends now. Edward says that he's not a good friend for Bella and that she should stay away from him.

... What the fuck?

He keeps saying "stay away, stay away" while he himself does the exact opposite. Even though he means that as a warning how can Bella take that warning if he is constantly clinging to her? He's really not giving Bella a choice here. He is just, as he said himself, doing whatever the hell he wants and damn the consequences. Edward, the if you're going to tell someone to stay away from you, then you should take your own advice. (+1 Stupidity)

You can tell that Meyer is having Edward say these things in an effort to make him come off as a brooding, mysterious bad boy, thus increasing his appeal to the readers. Really, this just makes him look like a selfish prick who can't make up his mind.

Even Bella points out that he says that a lot. Edward's reply?

"Yes, because you're not listening to me. I'm still waiting for you to believe it. If you're smart, you'll avoid me."

But ... YOU were the one who invited HER to sit with you! It was YOU who invited her to ride in your Volvo. YOU'RE the one who's effectively stalking her. Do I even need to point out the whole "watching her while she sleeps" thing? Bella has actually done a fairly decent job of not interacting with you when you were ignoring her. If you'd just kept doing that there'd be no need for this discussion. She HAS been listening, you glittering dildo. Edward Cullen, it is YOU who is violating your own warning!

I normally don't like handing out two of the same points for the same violation, but this statement on top of the last just reeks of stupid. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella finds all of this patronizing, and I definitely agree. Edward is basically doing whatever he wants and then shifting the blame for his actions to Bella. He basically just called Bella stupid for not avoiding him, when it was him who was pursuing her. Not only does this make him a selfish boyfriend, it makes him a condescending one too! (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

Bella looks down at her bottle of lemonade and Edward asks her what she is thinking. One look into Edward's eyes causes her to nearly have another orgasm, causing her to blurt out what she was thinking. She says that she's trying to figure Edward out, and he asks her if she has any theories.

I blushed. I had been vacillating during the last month between Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker.

Ugh! I see Meyer has been flipping through the thesaurus again. Technically, not the wrong word. Stylistically, absolutely the wrong word. It just sticks out as an example of "look at me, I'm a brilliant author!" (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Edward begs Bella to tell him one of her theories. Bella refuses on the grounds of it being too embarrassing, and Edward complains that that is frustrating. Then ... oh my God, this next part is awesome!

Savor this moment, people, for this is a very rare moment in which I not only 100% agree with Bella, but actually cheered for her. Yes, it can happen. For the first time in this whole book I actually liked something that Bella did. To get the real impact of this moment I'm going to quote it in full.

"No," I disagreed quickly, my eyes narrowing, "I can't imagine why that would be frustrating at all--just because someone refuses to tell you what they're thinking, even if all the while they're making cryptic little remarks specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they could possibly mean ... now, why would that be frustrating?"
He grimaced.
"Or better," I continued, the pent-up annoyance flowing freely now, "say that person also did a wide range of bizarre things--from saving your life under impossible circumstances one day to treating you like a pariah the next, and he never explained any of that, either, even after he promised. That, also, would be very non-frustrating."
"You've got a bit of a temper, don't you?"
"I don't like double-standards."

That ... was ... AWESOME!

Bravo, Bella! That was almost enough to give me hope that you'd matured a bit. You go, girl! Stand up to this chauvinistic douchebag. Point out his hypocrisy!

It's too bad that any respect I've gained for Bella because of this is negated by her later actions. This instance also works against her. It's clear that she knows how condescending and unfair Edward is, but she stays with him anyway. Any girl with self-respect would have left the table after that outburst and not spoken to Edward again, at least not without a considerable apology and the full explanation that was demanded. Bella does not do this, which makes her a sheep. A sheep that will occasionally bleat back at her handler, but a sheep nonetheless.

Edward just snickers. Bella asks what that is about, and he explains that the guys at Bella's table think, and rightly so, that Edward is being a dick to Bella and are debating whether or not to come to Bella's aid. The fact that they notice something like that and feel a natural urge to defend their friend against someone who is being mean to her says something. It says, to me, that they are far better friends for Bella than Edward is. Bella dismisses this.

Bella doesn't think to ask how Edward knows what the other guys are talking about, since they can't hear them. Edward says that people are easy to read, but not Bella. Um, it's not very hard to tell why Edward can't read Bella's mind. You can't read a book if the pages are blank, after all.

Bella drinks her lemonade and Edward asks if she's hungry.

"No." I didn't feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full--of butterflies.

... This is best-selling writing? God that line is stupid.

Bella asks Edward to do her a favor. That favor is for Edward to warn Bella the next time he is about to completely ignore her "for her own good."

WHAT THE FUCK?

After making that very admirable stand against Edward's hypocritical attitude, she's now just going to go along with it? What is the point of calling him out on his behavior if she's not going to hold him accountable after the fact? This is our protagonist, folks, a spineless simpleton who, even when she stands up for herself, fails to follow through on her own words. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward decides that the request is fair enough, but demands one answer in return. He wants to hear one of Bella's theories. Bella says no. Edward points out that she didn't qualify her statement, but promised one answer. Any answer. Bella points out, and rightly so, that Edward has broken promises to her himself. Gee, lies and broken promises. What a fabulous foundation for a healthy relationship, eh folks?

Edward begs to hear one of Bella's theories. When that doesn't work he pulls out his secret weapon.

EYE RAPE!

He looked down, and then glanced up at me through his long black lashes, his ocher eyes scorching.
"Please?" he breathed, leaning toward me.
I blinked, my mind going blank. Holy cow, how did he do that?

Works every time! (+1 Eye Sex)

Bella finally relents and asks Edward if he was bitten by a radioactive spider.

"Um, well, bitten by a radioactive spider?" Was he a hypnotist, too? or was I just a hopeless pushover?

You're a hopeless pushover.

That's right, folks, Bella just asked Edward if he's Spiderman. If that doesn't scream stupidity, I don't know what does. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward teases Bella for being so lame, an instance in which I actually agree with Edward. Undeterred, Bella swears that she'll figure Edward out eventually. Edward, now back in emo mode, says he wish she wouldn't try. Bella asks him why.

"What if I'm not a superhero? What if I'm the bad guy?"

Okay, I get it, you're brooding and mysterious. Stop beating the poor readers over the head with it. Unfortunately Meyer is not done trying to bad-boy-ify Edward, for they continue to go on about how dangerous and bad he is. I especially like how, in this part, Bella goes "ZOMG he really IS dangerous!" as if it's some great epiphany. This is Meyer once again trying to lead the reader by the nose by TELLING us that X character has Y characteristic instead of SHOWING us this.

Bella insists that Edward is not a bad person (because she has SO much previous experience with which to make that judgment), and Edward flat-out teller her that she's wrong.

Um ... question.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH BELLA?

Seriously. The guy sits there broodingly telling you "I'm dangerous, I'm bad, stay away from me," and she eats all of this up? If it were me I'd think this guy was either a tremendous douche trying to look cool or, possibly, a psycho. Neither scenario is good, and the possibility of the second would make a sane girl excuse herself and go sit with some non-crazy people. Instead, Bella admits to being fascinated by Edward.

Bella notices that it's time for class and rushes to leave. Edward tells her that he won't be going to class? Why?

"It's healthy to ditch class now and then." He smiled up at me, but his eyes were still troubled.

Remember kids: School is for losers. Meyer has spoken!

Bella says she's going to class, but admits that it's only because she's afraid of getting caught if she didn't. She's hesitant to leave Edward, but goes when the hears the bell. Never have the words "saved by the bell" held such meaning to me. I just hope that this chapter has had its Bella/Edward wankfest and something interesting will FINALLY happen. Bella, much like the readers, is more confused by her exchange with Edward than when she'd started. But hey, she points out, at least it stopped raining.

And this is relevant how?

Mr. Banner---and at this point I hope his first name is Bruce so he'll turn into the Incredible Hulk and smash the whiny emo princess and sparkly vampire douchebag---has a special assignment in mind for the class. He explains that the Red Cross is having a blood drive and as a special treat he was going to have the class test their blood to determine their blood type. To demonstrate, he pricks Mike's finger with a needle and applies a drop of blood to an indicator card.

It all goes downhill from here.

Here we learn that Bella is such a special snowflake that she can smell a single drop of blood from all the way across a classroom (she commented that at the distance she was sitting she couldn't even see the needle the teacher was holding) and the smell makes her violently nauseous. Now, I'm not a medical expert but I'm fairly certain that that is physically impossible. Yeah blood has a scent, but a single drop? From across a room?

She starts sweating, her stomach heaves, her ears ring, and she feels herself losing consciousness. It's all very melodramatic. So it turns out that our protagonist is hemophobic ... and she later wants to become a vampire WHY? She continues to see Edward after learning he's a vampire WHY? Don't get me wrong, I think the idea of a hemophobic person dating a vampire can be an interesting concept if the subject of that person's fear of blood is explored, but it isn't. In fact. Bella's fear of blood IS NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN after this scene. In fact, in a later book Bella has no problem INGESTING large quantities of blood. Continuity? What's that?

Her hemophobia is only here in the first place as a quick and dirty way to make Bella into a damsel in distress so Edward can ride in on his white horse and rescue her.(+1 Stupidity)

Mr. Banner asks Bella if she's feeling faint.

"Yes, sir," I muttered, internally kicking myself for not ditching when I had the chance.

Because school is for losers, thus speaketh Meyer. Go ahead, young readers, ditch class. Edward says it's healthy for you! (insert massive sarcasm quotes)

Mr. Banner asks someone to help Bella to the nurse, and Mike (of course) volunteers. Bella grows increasingly desperate to leave, saying she'll crawl if she has to. I would feel more sympathetic if Bella actually were hemophobic, not just conveniently hemophobic this one time so she can eye sex Edward some more.

As they walk across campus Bella begs Mike to sit her down on the walkway. And them, yes, you guessed it.

EDWARD TO THE RESCUE!

Mike explains the situation to Edward, which prompts sir SparkleDouche to take over the role of saving our helpless damsel.

"I'll take her," Edward said. I could hear the smile still in his voice.

How can you hear a smile? Does she also taste laughter?

Mike protests, saying that he's supposed to be taking care of Bella and this is HIS chance to get him some of that, damn it! Edward's response is to snatch up Bella like as if snatching a contested piece of meat away from a rival predator.

Suddenly the sidewalk disappeared from beneath me. My eyes flew open in shock. Edward had scooped me up in his arms, as easily as if I weighed ten pounds instead of a hundred and ten.

You can almost hear Edward's cave man grunt. "This Grog's poon! No one steal Grog's poon!"



Nice depiction of female empowerment, Meyer, having Bella not only argued over like a prize to be won, but snatched from the very ground as a means of ending that argument. Bella protests, asking to be put down, but Edward ignores her. Because he, being the man, obviously knows what's best for her. Mike protests also, but Edward ignores him too. Damn, Edward is an asshole.

I never liked the words "eyes flew open." I'm not going to rag on Meyer for this one because a LOT of authors use those words. Every time I read that line I imagine someone's eyelids sprouting wings and ascending to Heaven. It's a really silly image that ruins the imagery of the scene for me. I also hate it when someone is falling off a cliff and they "scramble for purchase." It makes me think that they went out to buy eggs.

But I digress. Back to Edward and his asshattery!

"So you faint at the sight of blood?" he asked. This seemed to entertain him.

Because nothing is more amusing than poking fun at someone who nearly collapsed and is currently suffering from nausea. Did I mention that Edward is a douchebag?

Edward continues to tease her all the way to the nurse's office.

The grandmotherly nurse looked up from a novel, astonished, as Edward swung me into the room and placed me gently on the crackly paper that covered the brown vinyl mattress on the one cot. Then he moved to stand against the wall as far across the narrow room as possible. His eyes were bright, excited.

Am I the only one who found that last part a little creepy? Edward is getting excited at seeing Bella lying on a nurse's bed suffering from nausea? Whatever raises the flag pole, I guess. I wonder if Edward spends his time browsing the sneeze fetish forum.

Edward explains the situation to the nurse, who nods and comments that there is always at least one person who faints during blood tests. This amuses Edward more. The nurse asks if this happens to Bella often. Edward laughs at her again. Did I mention that Edward is a douchebag? The nurse dismisses Edward, but he insists on staying, presumably so he can make fun of the girl who'd just fainted some more.

"You were right," I moaned, letting my eyes close.
"I usually am--but about what in particular this time?"

Oh Bella, you pathetically weak human creature. When will you learn that I am always right? Have I mentioned that I'm a douche?

Bella says that Edward was right about ditching class being healthy. You know, because only idiots attend class.

"You scared me for a moment there," he admitted after a pause. His tone made it sound like he was confessing a humiliating weakness. "I thought Newton was dragging your dead body off to bury it in the woods."

Scared, huh? I suppose that was why you did all that laughing and snickering, because that's how you express concern for someone. I imagine that Mike must have looked pretty dastardly, just standing there while Bella sat on the sidewalk. The fiend!

So not only does Edward seem to think expressing concern for a girl that he's supposedly in love with is a sign of weakness, which he must cover up by making jokes at her expense, but he responds to his knee-jerk reaction at seeing Bella sick by being an asshole to Mike and carrying Bella, against her will, as if she were an infant? Yeah, great boyfriend material there. Possessive, jealous, condescending, and prone to overreaction.

Bella comments that Mike probably wasn't happy with how this turned out.

"He absolutely loathes me," Edward said cheerfully

Is there even a word in the English language that can accurately describe the mountainous pile of douchebaggery that is Edward Cullen? THIS guy is the perfect boyfriend? Honestly, I have no idea what people see in him. He's a rude, selfish, arrogant creature who belittles Bella, acts against her wishes, and treats others like dirt.

I'm starting to get an idea why Meyer wrote the other boys into the book. I think it's just she can once again beat us over the head with a sledgehammer how perfect and special Edward is by having other guys interested in Bella, but trying to make it so that they are clearly inferior to Edward. Having Bella rebuff and ignore them, become annoyed at their attentions, treating them like crap, and having Edward display his superiority over them. So basically, their sole purpose is to show that Edward is perfection incarnate.

Gary Stu!

Bella asks how Edward was able to see her.

"I was in my car, listening to a CD." Such a normal response--it surprised me.

It seems that Bella has such an overblown view of Edward in her head that she can't imagine him doing something as mundane as listening to music in his car. Someone needs to tell Meyer that neurotic obsession does not true love make. Obsessing over someone is NOT romantic. Yes, an inordinate preoccupation with someone whom you love is normal, especially at the outset of a relationship. The problem here is that neither Bella nor Edward progress past that stage and into a REAL relationship. They are stuck permanently at the infatuation phase, and what a creepy, neurotic, and downright unhealthy infatuation it is.

Her fainting spell having served its convenient purpose, Bella is instantly better now and gets up just as Mike comes into the room escorting another student. Now, this says something about Mike. One of two possible things, actually. Either he's just a decent guy and would help anyone (whether they're named Bella or not), or he helped this other person for an excuse to get to the Nurse's office, hoping to get another shot at Bella. I'm not quite sure which way to lean on this one.

Edward tells Bella to get out and she does. Edward is surprised that she listened, and Bella comments that she could smell the blood.

"People can't smell blood," he contradicted.

Yes they can, you imbecile! In fact, the smell of blood is also one possible way to trigger hemophobia. How can Edward, a 100+ year old vampire who's been in high school the bulk of his life, not know this?

Even so, I still call bullshit on Bella's smelling blood thing. She claims that's what triggers her hemophobia, but I highly doubt that the human nose is sensitive enough to smell a single drop of blood from across a classroom. The scent of blood isn't strong enough in such a miniscule amount.

If Meyer had just shut the fuck up for one moment and did some actual RESEARCH, she could have made this hemophobia scene more believable. The sight of, or even the idea of the sight of, blood can also trigger hemophobia. If Meyer had stuck to the sight or idea of blood, perhaps having Bella see Mike's finger get pricked, imagine a needle penetrating her own finger, and getting nauseous from that, it would have been more believable. But NO, she had to make Bella such a special snowflake that she has a super nose. (+1 Stupidity)

Mike comes out the door and is upset at being emasculated by Edward. Frankly, I'd be pissed off too if I were showed up by a person who defining characteristic is that he sparkles in sunlight. Mike asks Bella if she'll go to the beach trip he had planned for the weekend. Bella uncharacteristically says yes.

I tried to sound as friendly as possible. "Sure, I said I was in."

Funny, I don't seem to recall Mike and Bella actually having that conversation. Again, telling and not showing.

Given Bella's track record you'd expect her to say no to the invitation and complain bitterly about a boy daring to be nice to her. This unusual acceptance of a social outing on Bella's part can mean only one thing.

THERE BE PLOT OVER AT THEM THAR BEACH!

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Mike continues to shoot death glares at Edward as he gives Bella the details of the trip. After that he leaves, pouting at Bella the whole time. I'm beginning to think that Meyer enjoys this, that somewhere in her black heart she takes pleasure in having her self-insert and her wet dream toy with other boys' emotions. Perhaps she's getting revenge for how she was treated in school?

Mike says he'll see Bella in gym. Immediately Edward, not quite done screwing with Mike, gets Bella out of it. He goes over to Ms. Cope and uses his sexual wiles to get her to excuse Bella.

I am not kidding. He hits on school faculty to get favors.

"Bella has gym next hour, and I don't think she feels well enough. Actually, I was thinking I should take her home now. Do you think you could excuse her from class?" His voice was like melting honey. I could imagine how much more overwhelming his eyes would be.

That's right, folks. Edward just eye raped a school receptionist.

"Do you need to be excused, too, Edward?" Ms. Cope fluttered. Why couldn't I do that?
"No, I have Mrs. Goff, she won't mind."

Apparently he also eye rapes his teachers too. So Edward isn't just a douchebag, he's also a shameless eye whore.

Seriously, though. Does Meyer even read what she writes? She just had a student flirt with a receptionist and insinuate that he may do the same thing with his teachers. That is just plain wrong! I think Meyer wants this to come off as Edward being so sexy that even his teachers want him, but the problem with this is ... THEY'RE HIS FUCKING TEACHERS! Does she not see what kind of behavior this is condoning? Ugh!

Edward makes a sarcastic jab at Bella for the whole carrying her into the nurse's office thing. But since 1) Carrying Bella had been totally unnecessary, 2) Bella didn't want to be carried and it was done against her will, and 3) Edward had only done it to show up Mike, this just makes Edward come off like a complete asshat.

Edward is a dick the whole way out of the nurse's office. You know, for being a century old, Edward is very immature. Bella asks Edward if he'll be going on Mike's beach trip.

I couldn't picture him loading up to carpool with the rest of the kids from school; he didn't belong in the same world. But just hoping that he might gave me the first twinge of enthusiasm I'd felt for the outing.

Yeah, Bella is SO excited at the possibility of the single person in Forks who was ever mean to her showing up. The person who, so far, laughed brazenly at her nearly collapsing, treated her like a child, condescended her, lied to her, flagrantly acted against her wishes, need I go on? But oooh he so pale and HAWT and look at those teeth and those gorgeous eyes, *squeal* all is instantly forgiven!

This book is making me nauseous now.

Edward asks where they're going exactly.

"Down to La Push, to First Beach." I studied his face, trying to read it. His eyes seemed to narrow infinitesimally.

First off, facial muscles can't move precise enough to move infinitesimally. Even if it could, Bella wouldn't be able to notice a movement so small that it can't be measured! Edward's face would appear to be perfectly still. Someone needs to take Meyer's thesaurus away. Meyer meant to write something to the effect of "his eyes narrowed ever so slightly," but apparently a simple sentence like that wasn't exotic enough. Needed to pull out the old Merriam-Webster. The word "infinitesimal" is a term to describe quantities that are immeasurably small. It doesn't apply to the narrowing of eyes! (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!

Edward points out that he wasn't invited, and Bella insists that she just invited him.

"Let's you and I not push poor Mike any further this week. We don't want him to snap." His eyes danced; he was enjoying the idea more than he should.

How do eyes dance? You know, that could be a sign of a medical condition. He should get treated for that.

So we know so far that Edward gets turned on by seeing girls sick and toying with other boys' feelings. Perfect boyfriend material, eh? I wonder if he cuts the heads off of puppies and consumes their brain matter as an aphrodisiac.

"Mike-schmike," I muttered, preoccupied by the way he'd said "you and I." I liked it more than I should.

I'm sorry, I just have to ask once again ... what did Mike ever do to earn so much disdain from Bella? What did he do to deserve being treated with such a complete lack of decency, as if he were less than human? The only crime he committed was not being Edward, but that apparently is enough for Bella. I don't think Bella is intentionally trying to be malicious, she's just so selfish and self-centered that she doesn't care. (+1 Bitch)

Bella and Edward are in the parking lot now. Bella moves over to her truck and Edward, concerned for her health, volunteers to drive her home. Bella at first declines, but Edward calmly and reasonably explains his feelings and Bella, seeing some truth in Edward's words, follows him willingly to his Volvo.

...

... ...

... ... ...

That is exactly WHAT DOES NOT HAPPEN!

We were near the parking lot now. I veered left, toward my truck. Something caught my jacket, yanking me back.
"Where do you think you're going?" he asked, outraged. He was gripping a fistful of my jacket in one hand.

WHOA! WHAT THE HOLY HELL?

Bad touch! Bad touch! What the hell is wrong with this guy? (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

I was confused. "I'm going home."
"Didn't you hear me promise to take you safely home? Do you think I'm going to let you drive home in your condition?" His voice was still indignant.

I am not kidding now. This is really, truly disturbing behavior. That Edward is so possessive that he acts this way toward a girl he barely even knows. Even if they'd known each other for years, there is no excuse for this kind of control freak behavior. This is abuse!

"What condition? And what about my truck?" I complained.
"I'll have Alice drop it off after school." He was towing me toward his car now, pulling me by my jacket. It was all I could do to keep from falling backward. He'd probably just drag me along anyway if I did

How can all those fangirls gush about how perfect Edward is when he does things like this? Do they all have amnesia? How can they possibly excuse this kind of behavior?

Also, what is with the use of the word "complained." It sticks out at me because Bella, for once, is not actually complaining! She is being totally reasonable given the circumstances. Hell, if I were in her position I wouldn't have been that composed about it. I would be more like "get the hell off me! How DARE you drag me off like something you shot in the woods?"

Even more disturbing is that Meyer heralds this book as the perfect romance. Does she actually think that this is ROMANTIC? Does she think that Bella is being unreasonable and Edward is being a gentleman? What is going on in this woman's sick mind if she thinks this is in any way romantic behavior. This is physical and emotional abuse! What's more, it's totally sexist. Bella is being dragged around like some THING that Edward owns, or like a misbehaved child throwing a tantrum at the supermarket. Not only is this disturbing, it is degrading!

"Let go!" I insisted. He ignored me. I staggered along sideways across the wet sidewalk until we reached the Volvo. Then he finally freed me--I stumbled against the passenger door.
"You are so pushy!" I grumbled.
"It's open," was all he responded. He got in the driver's side.
"I am perfectly capable of driving myself home!" I stood by the car, fuming. It was raining harder now, and I'd never put my hood up, so my hair was dripping down my back.
He lowered the automatic window and leaned toward me across the seat. "Get in, Bella."

He used unnecessary force to DRAG Bella across the parking lot, released her so roughly that she stumbled against the car, and is now ORDERING her to get in his car. Can't you just feel the twu wuv in the air?

I didn't answer. I was mentally calculating my chances of reaching the truck before he could catch me. I had to admit, they weren't good.
"I'll just drag you back," he threatened, guessing my plan.

And now he is physically THREATENING her! What the fuck! I'm normally against giving the same point for the same violation, but this is just too much! (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

Bella should call the police! People get restraining orders for stuff like this. She should tell her father; he's a cop. Any woman with even the smallest residue of self-respect would not stand being treated this way!

Bella gets into the car, since she has no choice. She is naturally upset about this, though not nearly as upset as she should be. And then ... *sigh*

Sorry, this next part just depresses me so much.

Bella notices that Edward likes some of the same music that she does and instantly forgives him for dragging her across the side walk and threatening her. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward speeds down the street, which makes me wonder if the police in Forks actually enforce their traffic laws. The abuse now completely forgotten, they start talking about Bella's mother. Bella laments that she has "too much Charlie" in her, and how her mother is her best friend. Yes the flighty, weak-minded woman incapable of doing anything without a man (as noted in my chapter one summary) is her best friend, while the loving, caring, responsible adult can't even be called Dad. Maybe Bella loves her mother so much because she can get away with more bullshit with her than with her father.

Edward asks Bella how old she is. She says she's 17, and Edward comments that she doesn't seem to act like a 17 year old girl.

My mom always says I was born thirty-five years old and that I get more middle aged every year."

But of course, Bella. After all, you are the self-insert of a bored middle-aged housewife.

I laughed, and then sighed. "Well, someone has to be the adult."

An interesting commentary about Bella's family life that I wish were expanded upon more in this book. Forget GlitterDouche and get into Bella's family life a bit more. Now that would be a FAR more interesting story to tell.

They talk more about her mother, and also about Phil, the man she's seeing. Edward comments that it's generous of Bella to be so open to her mother dating a much younger man. He also wonders if she would feel the same way about whoever Bella chooses to date. They agree that she shouldn't see anyone too scary, and Bella wonders what is meant exactly by "scary."

"Do you think that I could be scary?" He raised one eyebrow, and the faint trace of a smile lightened his face.

*Raises hand*

Well there was that one time, not long ago, when you dragged her across a parking lot against her will and threatened her with physical violence if she didn't get into your Volvo. Does that count as scary?

I thought for a moment, wondering whether the truth or a lie would go over better. I decided to go with the truth. "Hmmm ... I think you could be, if you wanted to."

Uh ... WHAT THE FUCK?

Does this girl have amnesia, or is she just a god damn moron? Did she already forget being dragged across the pavement like a sack of potatoes? Ugh! This is now officially a full-blown idiot plot! (+1 Stupidity)

"Are you frightened of me now?" The smile vanished, and his heavenly face was suddenly serious.

Enough! Stop trying to paint Edward as a brooding, mysterious bad boy. It's not working. He was an asshole when he first came into the story, and he nothing but an abusive, selfish, controlling asshole now!

Bella asks Edward about his family. Edward is pretty evasive with his answers and says very little other than that his family is awesome and he loves them very much. Edward points out that he should be getting back to school so he can pick up his family. Bella, though, is reluctant to leave his car.

Bella asks once again if Edward will go to the beach with her, but he has to decline because he and Emmett are going camping ... alone ... in the wilderness ... where nobody can see them ... Ho Yay?

Bella FINALLY gets out of the car, but not before Edward can once again be a douche and make a sarcastic remark at Bella's expense. She slams the car door and Edward drives away, amused the whole time.

And finally, FINALLY, this horrific experience is over! No more twilight for me until I've had a chance to come down from this latest suckfest. Damn this book is awful! It continually amazes me that people think that these books are so good. I really don't get it. So far this has been almost physically painful for me to read.

I need a drink.

Final Tally:

+9 Stupidity
+4 Bad Boyfriend
+3 Bitch
+2 Eye Sex
+2 Thesaurus rape
+1 Wangst

A record for stupidity in a single chapter. Bella hasn't been as much of a horrendous bitch here as in the past, but that's only because she'd been overshadowed by the gargantuan mass of douchebaggery that is Edward Cullen.

Twilight - Chapter Four

Nothing happens!

The chapter begins in Bella's dreams, because it's not enough that we have to put up with her when she's awake. She's, of course, dreaming about Edward in possibly the most clichéd manner imaginable.

In my dream it was very dark, and what dim light there was seemed to be radiating Edward's skin.

This is the very first sentence of the chapter, folks, and it does a perfect job of letting us know what we can expect. Wait a moment ... Edward's skin is glowing in this dream, and later Edward reveals that his skin sparkles in sunlight (my God, I never get used to saying that). Could this be ...?

EPIC FORESHADOWING! OMFGLOLZAWESOME!

Bella dreams that Edward McGlowyPeen has his back turned to her and is walking away. This doesn't work for Bella, because she can't possibly eye-hump him when he's too far away, so she tries to catch up. No matter how fast she moves, however, she cannot catch up to him. Meanwhile Edward smiles and thinks "yeah, babe, look at that sweet ass as it walks away from you."

Okay, so I made that last bit up. I can totally see him doing that, though.

Wait a moment ... Bella has an obsessive semi-erotic dream about Edward, and we later learn that Edward has been sneaking into Bella's bedroom at night to watch her sleep (and do Lord-knows-what with her unmentionables). *GASP* Could this be ...?

EPIC FORESHADOWING! ROFLCOPAFEEL!

Bella wakes up and is so upset that she failed to eye-hump dream-Edward that she can't go back to sleep. She notes that after this incident Edward has been in her dreams nearly every night. God I love foreshadowing.

Bella skims over the month following the accident . Being her usual self, she describes how much she hated every moment of it. She is particularly miffed at Tyler.

Tyler Crowley was impossible, following me around, obsessed with making amends somehow.

Considering that he, you know, almost accidentally KILLED you, I think wanting to make up for something like that is a perfectly natural response. That doesn't make him "impossible," it makes him human. Say it with me, Bella: "Human!" You know, that thing you're not. (+1 Bitch)

And Bella, if you really want to make him stop trying to make amends, then let the guy make amends! Make him buy you dinner or something, or whatever would make him feel good enough to sleep at night. Oh, I forgot, that would require her to think of someone else for a change. Silly me. This shows that Bella is not only selfish, she's selfish and stupid. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella complains that since Tyler is now hanging around her that may mean that she has a third boy with a crush on her. How horrible. My heart goes out to Bella Swan for having to endure boys admiring her and treating her like a goddess. Don't you just hate it when you're the new girl and guys are constantly carrying your books, talking to you, giving you compliments, and trying to worm their way into your group of friends? I tell you, it's so aggravating! How do girls put up with it?

Everyone is talking about the accident. Bella tries to set the record straight by explaining that it was Edward who saved her life. Nobody quite believes her. According to them, nobody had even seen Edward until the van had been pulled away.



Where do I even begin? First of all, what happened to that "sea of faces" that had watched the incident since the beginning? You know, the ones who's faces had been "frozen" in a "mask of shock" as the van headed for Bella? Even if you buy the whole disappearing/reappearing crowd thing, Bella said "they found us" when the crowd approached to help them. She said "us," not "me," and Edward had been right next to Bella when they arrived! How could they not have seen him?

... No, I'm not going to do it.

Not this time.

Nope, absolutely not.

... Oh, alright.

PLOT CHASM!

Bella thinks on this, in what is quite possibly one of the clumsiest bits of narration I've ever seen.

I wondered to myself why no one else had seen him standing so far away, before he was suddenly, impossibly saving my life.

In order for them to have noticed something like that they'd have to have been there since the beginning, meaning the "sea of faces" had actually been a crowd of horrified onlookers. So judging from everything I've read so far, this group of onlookers saw the van approaching Bella but somehow only "found" Bella after the threat had passed. This same crowd not only failed to notice Edward stop a van with his bare hands and lift it single-handedly, but they had also failed to even see Edward at all until the van was moved away to make way for the stretcher, according to the testimony of the people Bella spoke to. Meyer's confused narration can't seem to get straight when the crowd was even there or at what point they had seen Edward.

This isn't a plot chasm, IT'S A PLOT CANYON!

This is the work of a best-selling author? What has the world come to? Seriously, is Meyer even trying? It's as if Meyer simply couldn't handle a plot point that complex (it really isn't) and decided to simply go ahead with whatever came to mind and hope no one would notice. Maybe it's a good thing that these books are generally devoid of a real plot because if Meyer tried to write something above the level of fan-fiction her head would explode from the pressure.

I find this really insulting. I mean, this book is devoid of any real depth, but Meyer compensates for this by waving Edward around and going "oooh look at his handsome face, perfectly chiseled pecs, and ultrawhite smile!" I find that patronizing and a bit insulting to my intelligence. The sad part is people eat it up! Twilight is a shining example of the triumph of flash over substance.

Bella realizes, with chagrin, BELLA SAID THE SECRET WORD!



She realizes that the reason nobody noticed Edward was probably because nobody else was as obsessed with him as she was.

No one else was aware of Edward as I always was. No one else watched him the way I did. How pitiful.

Good that she, at least in this fleeting instance, notices that there's something weird about her constant eye-humping of Edward (sadly, this doesn't last long). However, this is yet another flimsy attempt by Meyer to explain away why nobody noticed Edward suddenly turn into Superman, as if to take notice of someone effortlessly lifting one ton of fine American engineering requires someone to pay so much attention to him that she can compare his face to a poisonous fungus. (+1 Stupidity)

Meyer ... just shut up. Stop talking about the accident, you're better off that way. The more you try to explain it, the louder my bullshit alarm blares. Let's just drop the pretense and admit that nobody noticed Edward because it's convenient for the plot if they didn't, okay?

Bella notes that nobody asked Edward for his take on the matter. She also points out that none of the Cullens or Hales, "especially Edward," looks her way anymore at lunch. How the words "especially Edward" make any sense here I don't know. I mean, that implies that Edward looked at her less than the others, but if none of them are looking at her at all then how is that possible? The words "not even Edward" would have made more sense.

This phenomenon is not limited to lunch time, however. It seems Edward Cullen is in full douchebag mode, making a point of ignoring Bella as much as humanly (or, vampirely?) possible. This upsets Bella, for how can she exposit at length on his glorious perfection if he's not even looking at her? This simply won't do. Lengthy descriptions of Edward's beauty is half the book!

Since Bella naturally must make everything about her, she immediately concludes that Edward is acting this way because he regrets saving her from Tyler's van. If he does it's not nearly as much as I do. That is a rather extreme conclusion to come to, don't you think? "He's not talking to me, HE MUST WISH I WERE DEAD!"

If she had half a brain in her head she'd put two and two together. Did she forget what the man did already? That's surprising, considering that she'd confronted him on the whole stopping a van with his hands thing just last chapter. Obviously any person able to do that is not normal, so perhaps he is concerned about word of him getting out. Or maybe he's self-conscious and thinks Bella, seeing what he can do, thinks he's a freak. Maybe he just doesn't want to talk to her, I don't know. But to go from zero to "he wishes I were dead" like that is not only incredibly self-absorbed, but also dumb.

Ugh!

She becomes increasingly upset with Edward.

I still was angry that he wouldn't trust me with the truth, even though I was keeping my part of the bargain flawlessly.

By telling everyone who will listen about Edward's involvement with the accident, which would naturally lead to questions about the nature of that involvement? Yeah, that sure is some flawless secret-keeping there. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella fumes over Edward ignoring her, but then realizes that the man had, in fact, saved her life and that's what's important. This causes her to say that "the heat of my anger" turned into gratitude. Am I the only one who groaned at reading that line? Really? The heat of my anger? To me, that line stinks of an author trying to sound eloquent, but just ends up sounding stupid.

Bella meets Edward in Biology class and tries to strike a conversation with him, but Edward, still having his vampire period, flat-out ignores her. Unable to get him to talk, Bella resorts to stalking him across the school grounds. Maybe they have more in common than I thought. She continues to have dreams about him. Her e-mails to her mother showed how depressed she is, prompting her to call her a few times out of concern. Bella plays it off as if it were nothing.

Mike senses the tension and, seeing a possible chance to tap that, grows more confident in his advances with Bella. Conspicuously, Bella does not complain. Bella talks about the snow and about Jessica. It turns out there's a spring dance and--

I can't take it anymore. I'm actually wishing Edward would come back into the story, because this book is even more dull without Bella ogling him than with it, and that's saying something. Dear God, can Meyer not write something interesting that doesn't involve Edward? I'm dying over here!

*sigh*

Moving on. There's a spring dance coming up and it turns out Jessica has a thing for Mike. She asks if Bella minds if she asks him out, and Bella is all too eager to hand him off. She asks if Bella is going, but Bella says no. Jessica tries to convince Bella to come with them and join the fun, and then we get this.

"It will be really fun." Her attempt to convince me was halfhearted. I suspected that Jessica enjoyed my inexplicable popularity more than my actual company.

Yeah, sure. I suppose that was why she, you know, invited Bella into her circle of friends on her very first day of school when she was a nobody! Bella, Jessica is part of the reason why you're popular in the first place! Another case of telling rather than showing. We're suppose to believe from this that Jessica is a conniving user, when in actuality she's done nothing more manipulative than talk about the weather. How dare this girl invite Bella to a school dance? She obviously must be using her! Bella Swan, you are such a bitch! (+1 Bitch)

I am willing to grant that perhaps Jessica was half-hearted in wanting Bella to go, but I think a more likely explanation would be because Jessica knows of Mike's epic crush on Bella and fears that he may dump her for Bella. Not exactly a noble motivation, but it's still understandable. It certainly doesn't make her a user, either. It makes her a teenaged girl with a crush.

Jessica is feeling down the next day, which turns out to be because she asked Mike out and was rejected. Bella fears that--

JESUS CHRIST ON A POGO STICK! HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO GO ON?

Isn't this book supposed to be a suspense-filled romance about vampires and forbidden love and all that crap? Why the Holy Hell should I care about some school dance? One that Bella, the main character, isn't even attending? Is it really such a crucial plot point if Jessica goes out with Mike? I can understand going over the upcoming dance, but why devote pages and pages to who goes out with whom? GET TO THE BLOODY POINT ALREADY!

Ugh!

Bella fears that this means that Mike intends to ask Bella to the dance. This fear proves well-founded when Mike leans over to Bella as they sat in class. Bella slips in a mention of Edward sitting next to her so we don't forget that he's in this chapter too.

Mike broaches the subject of the dance, and Bella puts on a great performance. When Mike mentions asking Jessica to the dance she fakes an overly bright and cheery response to that. When he mentions that he turned her down, she lets "disapproval color" her tone. She makes it abundantly clear that she thinks Mike should ask Jessica out. Mike asks if this is because Bella already has a date, and she says she's not going at all. Mike asks why, and I REALLY love this next part.

Bella pulls an impromptu trip to Seattle out of her ass and says she can't go because she's going there. That's right, folks. She makes up a trip to Seattle, completely spur of the moment, just to have an excuse not to go dancing, especially with Mike. Just so you don't think I'm making this up, here are Bella's exact words.

"I'm going to Seattle that Saturday," I explained. I needed to get out of town anyway--it was suddenly the perfect time to go.

Wow! And she thinks Jessica is manipulative. (+1 Bitch)

Mike asks if she can't go some other weekend. In reality Bella can, since she just made this crap up, but she says "sorry, no," and then once again insists that Mike ask Jessica to the dance instead.

Oh, and before some fangirl goes "oh, she did it for Jessica" ... no. No, she did not. She did it because she herself didn't want to go dancing. She says so herself in the narrative during this conversation. Nowhere is it ever mentioned that any of this is for Jessica's benefit. Bella doesn't want Mike, she doesn't want to go to the dance, and Jessica just happened to be there for her to pawn Mike off. That is all.

Bella mentions some feelings of guilt and sympathy, but she quickly pushes those pesky human emotions away. Seeing another boy's hopes crushed seems to be a turn on for Edward, because now he stares at Bella intensely. That's right, folks, this is what we've spent all this time getting to: Edward finally deciding to look at Bella. What a thrilling payoff to this exciting chapter.

God this book is boring! This whole "he's staring at me, now he's ignoring me," thing is the flimsiest attempt at creating will-they-won't-they tension I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing. I've seen supermarket romance novels with more substance than this tripe! At least some of them TRY to have an actual plot!

Bella hold's Edward's stare, and the two are locked in a dramatic stare down. By the time their teacher asks Edward to answer a question, they've already had done the nasty twice. (+1 Eye Sex)

Bella stares down at her books as she recovers from her multiple orgasm. She then expresses some shame and concern about her obsessive interest in Edward. Quite possibly the first wholly sensible thing she's said so far is as follows.

I couldn't allow him to have this level of influence over me. It was pathetic. More than pathetic, it was unhealthy.

Too bad that revelation doesn't last very long. In fact, it doesn't last for more than a second. Bella immediately goes on about how it is impossible for her not to notice Edward. As class ends we reach the ultimate dramatic climax of the chapter.

Edward speaks.

GASP! SHOCK! AWE!

Why, he almost went a whole chapter without talking. What a thrilling plot twist!

Bella, who had been deprived of a good eye-hump opportunity for over a month, takes this opportunity to pounce on Edward like a bitch in heat.

... his too-perfect face ...

A face I very much want to punch right now.

Bella finally grows a spine and calls Edward out for his behavior. She sarcastically asks if Edward now deigns to talk to her, and Edward's reply is "no, not really."

Lame.

Bella is so frustrated that she inhales slowly ... THROUGH HER NOSE!

I closed my eyes and inhaled slowly through my nose, aware that I was gritting my teeth. He waited.

Watch out. If she gets any more upset she may start exhaling through her nose too!

Edward adopts his I'm dangerous, stay away persona, which I guess is supposed to make him seem mysterious or something. Edward explains that it's better if they're not friends. Bella immediately accuses him of regretting saving her life.

Wow ...

He was astonished. He stared at me in disbelief.
When he finally spoke, he almost sounded mad. "You think I regret saving your life?"
"I know you do," I snapped.

Again ... wow! (+1 Bitch)

Bella grabs her books and storms off, intending to make a dramatic exit. She then finally has a clumsy moment and drops her books when she stubs her toe on the door. She bends over to pick them up, and here is another part I like.

Not only is Edward already there next to her but he had also, in the time it took for her to bend over, stacked all of her dropped books into a pile and handed them to her. And ... nobody in the class notices this. Yeah, she does mention pausing for a moment to consider leaving without her books, but how spaced out would she have to have been to just stand there long enough for Edward to reach her and stack her books, and only just then notice that he was there? This is stupid no matter how you put it. (+1 Stupidity).

Oh, remember what I said last chapter about Bella's clumsiness only coming into play when it's convenient? I was right. Bella does her best to salvage the dramatic moment by storming off to Gym in a huff.

Gym, Bella describes, was brutal. Why? Because now they had to play BASKETBALL! The horror! Bella narrates in some convenient clumsiness, letting us know that it's because she can't get Edward out of her mind.

It was a relief, as always, to leave. I almost ran to the truck; there were just so many people I wanted to avoid.

Says the girl who complained about not having friends at her old school. Now that she has friends, she is desperately trying to avoid them all. Given her track record, I think it's possible that she had plenty of friends in Arizona; she just never noticed them because she was too busy avoiding them. I mean, this is a girl who spontaneously made up a trip to Seattle just to avoid her friends. I still can't get over that one!

Bella almost has a stroke (she says so herself) when she sees someone leaning against her truck. For a moment she thinks this may be someone interesting, then realizes that it's just Eric. The boy asks Bella nervously if she would like to go to the dance with him, and this irritates Bella so much that she snaps at him at first, then recovers her composure. She once again plays the "going to Seattle" card to get out of this. Eric says "maybe next time," and Bella says "sure" and instantly regrets it, saying how she hopes he would not actually try to take her up on that.

Seeing not one, but two, boys get shot down really turns Edward on, for he walks past Bella's truck at that moment chuckling. This really pisses Bella off, causing her to yank the door open and slam it shut behind her. She revs the engine, and Edward chooses that moment to pull up in front of her in the Volvo, cutting her off. Bella considers ramming her truck into Edward's car.

I considered taking out the rear of his shiny Volvo, but there were too many witnesses.

Because road rage is always a good thing to play for laughs. Tyler waves to her, but Bella is too pissed off to acknowledge him. Tyler walks up to Bella's window and asks her out to the dance. This just pisses Bella off more. Once again Bella pulls the made-up Trip to Seattle out of her ass.

"I'm not going to be in town, Tyler." My voice sounded a little sharp. I had to remember it wasn't his fault that Mike and Eric had already used up my quota of patience for the day.

God this girl is a bitch! A spoiled, whiny, emo bitch. Wah! Wah! Boys are asking me out on a date. Wah! Edward isn't talking to me. Wah! I had to play basketball. WAH! Everyone keeps trying to be my friend, they obviously must be using me! WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH! (+1 Bitch)

I wonder how many girls wish they had Bella's kind of "problems" in high school. Gaining popularity and friends with absolutely zero effort, having boys automatically fall in love with you, having practically everything handed to you. This girl has everything, and all she does is complain. You know, there are girls in third-world countries who would sell their very souls for the opportunities you have, Bella. Perhaps you need to be shipped off somewhere in order for you to learn what a REAL problem is!

So far Tyler is the only character I have any real feelings for, and that feeling is pity. I mean, just look at the crap he's had to put up with (which I've noted in chapter 3). It's almost as if Tyler represents some guy Meyer hates and so she's expressing her loathing vicariously through Tyler.

Ugh!

Tyler admits that Mike told him about the trip, but he'd hoped that Bella had just been letting him down easy. For those of you paying attention, that was precisely what she had been doing. Bella, though, denies this and further claims in the narrative that her aggravation was now all Tyler's fault. Tyler comments well, there's still the prom, which leaves Bella flabbergasted. Now she'll have to come up with another completely made-up bullshit excuse to get out of that one.

If seeing two boys crash and burn was a turn on, seeing a third boy get scorched has Edward positively trembling with delight. Asshole.

Bella further contemplates ramming the truck into Edward's Volvo, but by this time they were already pulling away. Bella goes home and gives us the details of what she decided to cook for dinner. You know, because we all really need to see that. Jessica calls and seems very happy for some reason.

It was Jessica, and she was jubilant ...

Jubilant is not the wrong word per se, and technically this is the proper usage of the word. However, its placement in this sentence is just awkward. It sticks out at me as an instance of Meyer deciding that a word like "happy" or "excited" weren't interesting enough, so she pulled out the thesaurus and hunted for synonyms. Thesaurus rape isn't just about using the wrong word, it's also about using unnecessary synonyms when more basic words are more suitable. Authors think they're being clever when they do this, but an oddly placed word makes their prose look overwrought and cheesy.(+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Jessica is jubilant because she had inquired to the object of her, as of yet, unrequited idée fixe, requesting his leave to escort her to the Spring festivities taking place at the local center of education.

See? I can do it too.

Jessica had asked Mike to the dance and, since Bella is no longer an option, he agreed. Jessica doesn't have long to talk because she wants to tell the rest of her friends. Bella suggests that Jessica set up Eric and Tyler with her friends as well. One girl, in particular, gets an interesting description.

Lauren, a standoffish girl who had always ignored me at the lunch table ...

Oh, so when Lauren doesn't pay attention to you that makes her "standoffish," but when you, Bella, not only ignore everyone else but go out of your way to avoid them, up to and including making up out-of-town trips, then that's just peachy? Have you ever heard the saying about he who lives in a glass house?

Bella notes how now that Jessica has secured Mike as a date, she seemed to genuinely want Bella to attend. So what I said earlier was right! Jessica is not the manipulative snake Bella described her as earlier, using her for her popularity (which makes no sense considering that nearly all of Bella's friends are Jessica's). Jessica is just a typical girl with a crush on another boy.

We get more details of Bella preparing dinner (yay?) as she starts to think about Edward ... again. Now she's upset because she thinks Edward is not interested in her.

My God, even writing this summary is starting to bore me. This really can't be helped, folks. If this summary drags on and gets dull, it's because THIS GODDAMN BOOK IS PLODDING AND DULL!

I mean, nothing is happening! This entire chapter is "Oh, Edward is so pretty. Edward is ignoring me and that makes me sad. Now I'm mad at Edward. Now Edward is laughing and I want to hit his car. Oooh, Edward is so gorgeous that I just can't stop thinking about him! Edward, Edward, Edward!"

I wasn't interesting. And he was. Interesting ... and brilliant ... and mysterious ... and perfect ... and beautiful ... and possibly able to lift full-sized vans with one hand.

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

*deep breath*

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

Okay, I think I got the murderous rage out of my system.

Bella petulantly says fine then I will leave him alone (she won't), so there!

Her latest whining spree is interrupted by the return of her fath--damn it to Hell, why can't I get it right? Charlie comes home and while they're having dinner Bella brings up her spontaneous trip to Seattle.

"Um, I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to Seattle for the day a week from Saturday ... if that's okay?" I didn't want to ask permission--it set a bad precedent--but I felt rude, so I tacked it on at the end.

How spoiled is this girl? She's already demonstrated that she thinks nothing of Charlie and doesn't consider him to be her father, so I guess this isn't surprising. I've already made a long speech about Charlie as a father figure in chapter 3, so if you want my view on the situation just go and read that. For now I'll just bitch smack this spoiled brat. (+1 Bitch)

Charlie asks why.

"Why?" He sounded surprised, as if he were unable to imagine something that Forks couldn't offer.

Or maybe he's just a concerned parent wondering why his child is making an unexpected trip out of town. You know, like parents do.

Bella's excuse is that she needs books (because online stores do not exist in the Twilight universe) and clothes. Bella notes how she had more money than expected thanks to Charlie buying her the truck. Thanks Charlie. Her dad notes that the truck probably doesn't get good gas mileage, and here is where Meyer goes to Google Maps so she can supply Bella with a route to cite.

Charlie asks if she's going by herself and Bella wonders if he thinks she has a secret boyfriend or something. Again, maybe he's concerned about his daughter taking an out of town trip all by herself, where there could potentially be some unforeseen danger. Charlie offers to go with her, which horrifies Bella. Charlie finally relents and consents to the trip. However, he does note that Bella is leaving on the same day as the school dance and asks her about that.

And then we get this.

Grrr. Only in a town this small would a father know when the high school dances were

WHAT WORLD DOES MEYER LIVE IN?

Dear God. I grew up in NYC, a subway ride away from Manhattan proper, and my dad was aware of school activities. It has nothing to do with how small the town is, it has to do with how involved one's parent is in his child's academic life. A parent like Charlie should be applauded for paying attention to her daughter's schedule, showing concern for her welfare, and even taking the time to look up the local school activities.

And what is with the word "father" being italicized? Does Meyer think it's weird for a father to take an interest in his child's school activities. Is there some rule that states that a dad can't know these things? Me thinks Meyer is projecting her own childhood onto Bella, which would explain quite a lot.

The next day Bella parks away from Edward's Volvo, noting that to do otherwise would cause her too much temptation to do a hit-and-run. In another moment of convenient clumsiness Bella drops her keys and Edward magically appears to pick them up. Even Bella asks what the hell is up with that.

Bella scowls at "his perfect face" and has to look away so as to "reassemble" her "now-tangled thoughts."

Reassemble? How do you reassemble something that's tangled? To reassemble something that thing has to be broken or separated, not tangled together! (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella demands to know why Edward cut her off yesterday and Edward explains that he did it because he's an asshole, which is to say he did it specifically to set Tyler up to be rejected by Bella. This infuriates Bella so much---not the fact that Edward had just toyed with another boys feelings, but that Edward had subjected her to Tyler---that she couldn't think of a bad enough word to call him. She makes another reference to "the heat of my anger," which just now caused me to groan at the stupidity of the phrase.

Edward is revels in his own asshatery until Bella makes an insulting reference to Tyler's van, saying that he's trying to irritate her to death since the van didn't do it." Edward is no longer amused. Bella is so angry that she wants to hit something.

I was surprised at myself. I was usually a nonviolent person.

Says the girl who'd just contemplated ramming her truck into Edward's Volvo several times now? Remember kids: it's not violence if it's done with automobiles.

Bella decides she's had enough and walks away. Edward calls for her to wait. Now suddenly Edward, after going out of his way to ignore Bella, is suddenly desperate to talk to her. Bella, appropriately, asks if Edward has a multiple personality disorder.

Edward wants to ask Bella a question. He begins by mentioning Saturday, the day of the school dance. Bella immediately cuts him off mid-sentence. Edward asks to be allowed to finish, and Bella has to clasp her hands in order to avoid "doing anything rash."

Wow ... I guess she really hates dancing.

Edward asks Bella if he can give her a ride to Seattle

Wait, whoa, hold up.

Do you mean to tell me ... that all of this pointless meandering I had to read through, the endlessly boring, go-nowhere exposition about dances and Edward's mood-swings, was all just to set up Edward to ask Bella to ride in his Volvo?

... ... ...

... I give up. I quit. This chapter ends here. I am not reading any more of this crap until I've had a few drinks and some time to get over the mind-blowing stupidity!

(a few days later ... literally)

Ugh! I hate leaving things unfinished so I decided to read the rest of this trash so I can at least share my pain with the rest of you. Unfortunately my Kindle automatically saves my place so I can't even delay this under the pretense of losing my spot.

Bella and Edward argue about the trip, and Bella feels a thrill whenever she says Edward's name. Too bad I don't have an ear sex category. Bella points out hey, didn't you say we shouldn't be friends? Edward's response?

"I said it would be better if we weren't friends, not that I didn't want to."

Wait a minute ...

What kind of a moronic thing is that to say? Okay so we know Edward is a vampire and that he said they shouldn't be friends due to his wanting to brutally murder Bella and drink her blood. So, knowing this, he decides to be with her anyway? If Bella were really that important to him, he would have stayed the hell away.

Edward's reason is that it's because he's tired of staying away from her, which just makes him a selfish, self-serving prick. The fact that he gets involved with Bella, knowing full well what he's capable of doing, not only is monumentally irresponsible on Edward's part, it makes him a selfish and crappy boyfriend.

And yes, since at this point they've all but announced that they're together, the Bad Boyfriend category is now open. Here is its first point. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

So Bella finally agrees to go to Seattle with Edward and he walks away, but not before giving these parting words.

"You really should stay away from me," he warned. "I'll see you in class."

...
... ...
... ... ...

WHAT THE FUCK?

I still can't wrap my head around this ... "Stay away" ... "I'll see you in class."

Stay away.

I'll see you in class.

Is Edward off his meds or something? Maybe he really does have a split personality. (+1 Stupidity)

I'm so utterly PISSED right now I wish I could just reach into this book and strangle these people! This has been a long, plodding, boring, pointless throw-away chapter. It's almost entirely comprised of filler and serves little to no purpose whatsoever. Does Meyer suffer from diarrhea of the fingertips? Had this book not seen an editor? There is so much pointless crap I felt like I wanted to attack this beast will a pen and rewrite the whole damn chapter.

I mean really, I would be embarrassed to write something like this. Who green lighted this garbage? What were they thinking? What were YOU thinking when you bought it? What ARE you avid fans thinking? You think this is literature? Has everyone's standards really plummeted so low?

I need a drink. Make it a double.

Final Tally:

+6 Bitch
+5 Stupidity
+2 Thesaurus Rape
+1 Eye Sex
+1 Bad Boyfriend