When all is said and done ...

The funeral was yesterday, and I just woke up from a very exhausting day. This event was held on such short notice because my mother wished to get it over with as quickly as humanly possible. I guess she thought that if she got through the funeral it would help with her pain.

Even so, a lot of people showed up. Family, friends, the landlady, NYPD officers. I always knew that my father was well-loved, but the huge turnout surprised me. I rode with my mother and my aunt in a limo provided by the funeral home. Officers in dress uniforms flanked the front entrance, and men in uniforms stood gathered in the building among the friends and family. I met many people there whom I haven't seen in years, from distant cousins to family friends I'd grown up with who, sadly, had went their separate ways as they matured into independent adults.

It was, of course, a somber occasion, but the service was also marked by upbeat gospel singing and funny anecdotes shared by Father's loved ones. My niece, Shanti, gave a particularly wonderful speech about the time she'd spent with her grandfather. My brother Jameson read a letter, written by his wife and children, so they could express their feeling despite not being able to attend.

Father was one of the few people who believed in my abilities as a writer from the very beginning. When we first moved into this house, he introduced me to the landlord and landlady as "my son, the writer." He read my work enthusiastically, and at one point even tried to pitch it to a friend who works for the Fox network. For this reason I decided that it was only right that I put those skills to use in honoring his memory. I wrote an elegy, which was printed on the back of the funeral program, and I requested the honor of being the one to deliver his eulogy.

No one I spoke to seemed to know the difference between an elegy, a eulogy, and an obituary. For this reason the funeral director expected me to recite the poem, and instead I gave a speech. I was then called back to the podium to read the elegy as well. Anyone who knows me is aware that crowds and I don't mix. On a good day I have social anxiety and stumble when I am forced to deal with more than one or two people at once. On a bad day I am agoraphobic and don't even want to leave the house. So standing up and delivering a speech was the last thing anyone seriously expected me to do. My mother was afraid that I'd choke on stage, or get cold feet and refuse to deliver the speech.

Neither of those things happened. There is a time and a place for one's personal baggage, and my father's funeral was neither of those things. This was about him, not me. To be perfectly honest, delivering the speech was easy. It didn't matter what the audience thought because I was not talking to them. I was talking to my father, and expressing my feelings to him.

The speech and the poem went over far, far better than I expected. While speaking I got nods and a nostalgic laugh or two, followed by applause. After the services people came up to me and said that they had no idea that I was such a talented writer. Some people asked if I was a poet. I told them that I write fiction and normally don't do poetry, and they said that I should. A relative asked if, many years from now, I would eulogize at his funeral. My writing was the talk of the occasion. I know my father would have been proud.

For the first time in my entire life I was publicly acknowledged as a writer. I think this was my father's final gift to me: the validation I had always sought, even though I myself never fully realized that I was seeking it. I realize now that this isn't some farfetched dream of mine, it is reality. I am a writer, no matter what happens. This has solidified my desire to be the writer my father always knew I am. When my first book is published, it will be dedicated to him.

An NYPD color guard rendered honors and saw my father's casket to the hearse. Police cars escorted the funeral procession; again I rode in the limo with my mother and my aunt. We were each given a rose, with the option of keeping it as a memory or laying them on his grave. I decided to give Father my rose; I do not need an object to remind me of him.

My mother wept as we returned home. My work here is not yet finished. For the past year I had been helping to take care of my dying father, and now I will be there for my mother and help her come to grips with the loss of her husband. At the same time I will continue my work, get my book published, and finally have my dream. This time I am no longer doing this only for myself.

Rest in peace, Dad.

It was inevitable ...

My father, Walter Hill, passed away at 6:40 am this morning. May he find peace in the eternity that awaits him.

Apologies for the LONG delay.

I would like to sincerely apologize for the lack of updates in such a long time. I don't remember if I wrote about this before or not, but my dad was diagnosed with type IV lung cancer last year, and I've been assisting with his care ever since.

Well, recently he took a pretty bad turn. He's bedridden to the point where he can no longer even use the bathroom on his own power. My mother is devastated. I've been pulling double duty seeing to my father's needs and providing emotional support when necessary. My mother has to work, so when she's away I take care of anything he requires. Needless to say, this has been quite taxing on me.

My father's well-being has been my sole concern the past few months, and I've lacked the ability to focus on much else. I've barely squeezed time to work on my own novel, so this blog is not the only thing that has suffered during this time.

While his condition has not improved very much, I've adjusted enough to the new routine, and the new emotional atmosphere of this house, that I'm more able to devote myself to my work. When my father intercoms me, though, I WILL drop everything to see to his needs. I'd be negligent if I did not.

That said, I am working on the next chapter and you will be seeing that when it is ready. Again, apologies for the delay.

Vampires Need More Gay

Okay, so this isn't actually an anti-Twilight vid so much as a commentary on homosexuality in vampire fiction. While I'm not posting it under the "Anti Spotlight" label for that reason, I still found it interesting enough to share here.

Twilight - Chapter Sixteen

In which Carlisle leaves so as not to distract from Edward.

You know what's worse than suffering a massive seasonal allergy attack? Suffering a massive seasonal allergy attack and reading Twilight.

This chapter is titled "Carlisle". Normally I would assume that this chapter would feature Carlisle, but as we've learned from the last chapter, the chapter titles can lie to you. As such, I really don't know what to expect. Edward hogging the majority of the screen time seems like a fairly safe bet, though.

The chapter opens with Meyer staunchly refusing to use the word "said" in her dialogue tags.

"Come in," Carlisle's voice invited.

Amateur writers do this a LOT. They feel that the word "said" is bland, so they try to spice up their dialogue by replacing it with other words. While this is not bad in and of itself, and can actually add personality to the characters when used sparingly and responsibly, Meyer seems to have an outright phobia of the word "said". Flip to any given page in this book and try to find an instance where she uses the word "said" in dialogue WITHOUT modifiers. Pretty hard to find any, isn't it? Those few you may find are the exceptions that prove the rule.

I could go on and on about Meyer's abuse of "said bookisms" and how they make her look like a complete novice, but that would derail this entire entry, so here's a link instead. Go nuts.

Meyer briefly describes Carlisle's office, and Of course it can't just be a nice office. It has to be a big office with fancy walls and a collection of books that is comparable to a public library. Carlisle is sitting behind a huge desk that's made of MAHAGONY!



Carlisle asks them what they want.

"I wanted to show Bella some of our history," Edward said. "Well, your history, actually."

Oh, you mean the history you infodumped on us at the end of the last chapter? Yippy, I can't wait for this latest lecture. *eyeroll*

Well I'll be damned. Meyer used the word said without an adverb. Now I actually feel a little bad about what I said earlier.

"We didn't mean to disturb you," I apologized.

And now I don't.

Couldn't even wait one sentence before throwing another one at us, eh Meyer?

Edward spins Bella around to look towards the door instead of, I don't know, maybe gesturing to indicate that he wants her to look in that direction. Since Edward touched her, Meyer doesn't miss the opportunity to point out how awesome it is. You know, maybe I should start a drinking game. Every time I use the word "awesome" sarcastically, take a shot. Actually, don't do that. I value my readers too much to kill them off with alcohol poisoning.

Edward pulls Bella aside and stands her in front of one particular painting. Remember what I said earlier about how Bella's refusal to call Edward out on his behavior gives him the impression that he's entitled to manhandle her? Well, we're seeing an example of that now. This is a small example, but it is indicative of Edward's mindset. Want Bella to look at something? Pull her over there. Want her to be someplace? Pick her up and carry her. He treats her like baggage to be toted around. This example may be small, but in a way it's just as bad as some of the other stuff he's pulled. This shows that physically forcing Bella to do things is natural to him now. Since Bella did not establish any boundaries, he doesn't respect them.

The worst part is that Bella had previously made it clear in the narration that she really doesn't appreciated being treated in such a way. Even so, she lets it slide because she considers it such an honor that someone as pretty as Edward is even giving her the time of day. She does not allow Edward's behavior out of love, but out of desperation. What kind of message do you think this sends? If someone is pretty enough you should let them walk all over you, because you should be grateful to even be in that person's presence? Yeah, THAT will certainly help teenage girls with their self-esteem. (+1 Stupidity)

Moving on. Carlisle comments on the picture, which depicts London, and Bella flinches because she hadn't heard him approach. We get it, the sparklepires have ninja powers. Stop pointing out how quiet they are whenever they move.

"Will you tell the story?" Edward asked

Don't see why Meyer felt the word "you" had to be italicized, but who cares? The important part is we're actually going to get some back story about a character from the character himself! Man, after all the Edward infodumping this comes as a welcome change of pace.

"I would," he replied, "but I'm actually running a bit late. ..."

*blinks*

What?

"... Besides, you know the stories as well as I do," he added ...

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOO!!!

GOD FUCKING SON OF A BUTTFUCKING WHORE!

I hate this book, I hate these characters, I hate their fucking house! I keep hoping for oranges, but they hand me lemons. I'm sick of it! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! WITH THE LEMONS! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN! (+1 Stupidity)

Then Carlisle leaves. He fucking leaves! You see what I mean? THE CHAPTER TITLE LIED TO YOU AGAIN! It's called "Carlisle", but Carlisle is barely even in this chapter. Sure it may be about him, but that means little without him actually being here. God forbid someone else should get a non-trivial amount of screen time. Heaven help us if someone else gets some focus besides Edward. That's who this chapter's really about, by the way. This isn't about Carlisle's past so much as it is about Carlisle's past in relation to Edward. He's the one telling the story; he's the one we're expected to admire. Carlisle is awesome, sparklepires are awesome, and by extension Edward is awesome. I really hope you weren't playing that drinking game just now.

Apparently Carlisle was suicidal after he was first turned, but since sparklepires are nigh indestructible he could not self terminate.

"... It is amazing that he was able to resist ... feeding ... while he was still so new. The instinct is more powerful then, it takes over everything. ..."

Of course, anyone who's read Breaking Fail knows that this is a load of bullshit. Oh, I forgot, it didn't bother Bella because she's a super special snowflake. God damn Mary Sues.

Edward tells Bella that Carlisle attempted to starve himself to death. Bella asks if this is possible.

"No, there are very few ways we can be killed."

WHOA! WAIT! HOLD ON! BACK THAT TRUCK UP!

They can't starve? What the hell is the point of the blood hunger, then? What purpose does it serve? If they're in no danger of starvation if they don't drink blood, then they don't need it. If they don't need to drink blood then they're not really vampires, are they? (+1 Stupidity)

Edward mentions Carlisle getting physically weak from not feeding, but that's not the same. It's not even close. Since sparklepires are several orders of magnitude stronger than humans, "weak" for them could easily mean "on human level." That would mean that they "need" to drink blood because it gives them superhuman abilities and they're addicted to the power. That makes it a drug, not an essential for life. They need blood like an addict needs his heroine (to use Meyer's own comparison).

If you stop eating, you die. That's how it works. The sparkle fairies' life is being sustained by something other than blood, which means that blood serves no purpose other than the "high" it gives them. Meyer has just invalidated any claim she's made to her darlings being vampires. They don't need blood, they have no weaknesses; they're not even undead. Their fairydom is the result of mutation from exposure to sparkle venom, a transformation that happens while they're still alive.

And before anyone shouts "artistic license!" I will point out that even artistic choice has its limits. A thing can only be changed so much until it reaches a point where it really should be called something else. The sparkle fairies have as much in common with the vampire as the owl has with the bat. Just because they have some passing similarities (owls and bats being nocturnal) doesn't make them the same creature. Sparkle fairies and vampires may both drink blood, but there is a world of difference between the two. Sparkle fairies are not vampires for the same reason that humans are not whales just because they're both mammals.

My God, she's not even TRYING! Why do Twifans INSIST that these are vampires when the book itself disproves that claim? The one thing the sparkle fairies had in common with vampires, and Meyer screwed that up too. Every time I think her incompetence can no longer amaze me, she finds some new way to pull it off. It would be impressive, really, if it weren't so incredibly sad.

Edward continues infodumping about Carlisle's past, and, frankly, I am so pissed at the Carlisle bait-and-switch (and amazed at Meyer's incompetence) that I'm tempted to skip this. Blah blah, Carlisle swam to France. Blah blah, sparklepires don't require oxygen.

Edward turns to stone, and his face is replaced by a block of ice. Hey, if Meyer isn't going to put in some effort, neither am I.

Edward takes a moment to be emo. You know what? I actually wish he'd get back to the infodump. It may be boring, but at least it isn't as painful to read as Edward's "oooh, I'm so damaged and brooding and that makes me sexy" lines.

They look at another painting before continuing with the story. You know what would be better than looking at paintings while Edward infodumps on the audience? Talking to CARLISLE about these things and getting his personal reactions to his own past! You know, actually SHOWING instead of just telling? The painting thing is almost as stupid as when a book character looks into a mirror so the author can describe her appearance.

"... Now he is all but immune to the scent of human blood. ..."

If that's the case, then why was he having trouble greeting Bella in the last chapter? Anyway, Edward plays up the blood hunger, which, given that we now know that it is completely harmless (except when Meyer feels the need to be dramatic), and that it's not even a real hunger, it loses much of its impact. Interesting to note that Edward says it took Carlisle centuries of "torturous effort" to control his blood addiction, but apparently Edward can simply will himself not to eat Bella because, as he put it, "mind over matter."

I am now tempted to tear out a page of Twilight and take it to a laboratory for analysis to determine if the pages themselves are made of bullshit. (+1 Stupidity)

This also shows that sparkle fairies don't really need blood at all, not even in the context of addiction. It may have a massive withdrawal phase, but Carlisle proved that it's possible to overcome that. If Carlisle is immune to the blood craving, and if it's the craving that makes them weak, then that would mean that he could literally never drink blood again and be just fine.

I'll admit I'm being a little unfair to Carlisle. His story is actually pretty interesting, which makes me wonder why this book isn't about him. I'd much rather be reading a book about his siring and his consequent struggle to come to terms with his mutated existence as a not-vampire than flip through page after page of descriptions of Edward's physical appearance. Oh, what am I saying? I wouldn't even want to read that, not if Meyer wrote it, because I know she'd find some way to screw that up as well. This woman should not be allowed anywhere near a pen, a typewriter, a word processor, or any other writing implement.

He talks about Carlisle running into other vampires.

"... they were much more civilized and educated than the wraiths of the London sewers."

Let's not even get into the fact that Carlisle's youth takes place over 200 years before underground sewers were even constructed. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward touched a "comparatively sedate" painting on the highest balcony, a sentence that makes me think he stretched out his arm like Mr. Fantastic. The figures in the painting were "looking down calmly on the mayhem below them." Uh ... what mayhem would that be? Is the room damaged? Is there some kind of violence going on? Is there a riot? The word "mayhem" in no way applies to the arrangement of paintings. Good God, Meyer, do you EVER stop to look up the words you pick out of the thesaurus? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

As if Meyer thought she might be being a little too subtle about how awesome her sparkle fairies are, she has Edward point out that Francesco Solimena, the Baroque-era Italian painter, was so inspired by Carlisle and his buddies that he often painted them as gods.

That's right, people. She just compared her sparklepires to works such as this.

... Hey, what's that whirring noise? Oh, wait, that's just Solimena rapidly spinning in his grave.

I don't mind Meyer being a horrible writer, but I do take offense to her trying to plunder history in an attempt to elevate her works by comparing them to the works of those who much more greatly deserve to be called artists.

Blah blah, he left his buddies because they acted like vampires. Blah blah, he was lonely. Blah blah, and now we're back to when he transformed Edward.

Edward has a brief emo moment, and when that passes Bella describes the "gentle angel's smile" that "lit his expression." Gag me with a spoon! (+1 Eye Sex)

Edward pulls Bella out of the room. I already pointed out what's wrong with this earlier, so I'll move on. Edward then starts talking about himself. Namely, how he once rebelled against Carlisle's "vegetarian" diet.

"Really?" I was intrigued, rather than frightened, as I perhaps should have been.

I get it, he's dangerous. Can you PLEASE shut up about it now?

He barked a laugh ...

How do you do that? What would that even sound like?



Edward only rebelled briefly, but quickly returned to the fold because he'd been reading Carlisle's mind and saw his "perfect sincerity," which makes no sense. Someone can be totally sincere in their belief in something and still be wrong. Just ask the May 21st rapture people. If Edward felt strongly enough about his disagreement to openly defy Carlisle, then knowing that Carlisle really believes in what he's doing shouldn't be that persuasive.

Edward says that he at first thought that, due to his psychic abilities, he could only target bad people. He says, for example, that if he fed on a murderer who was targeting an innocent woman, then surely that wouldn't make him so bad. If you've been paying attention, then you know that Edward is making this up. At the very least, he's never used his blood addiction as an excuse to save someone's life. To quote what he said back in chapter 8.

"I followed you to Port Angeles," he admitted, speaking in a rush. "I've never tried to keep a specific person alive before, and it's much more troublesome than I would have believed. ..."

Bella takes a moment to reflect on how awesome Edward is.

"... Edward as he hunted, terrible and glorious as a young god, unstoppable.

Whenever I read lines like this I wonder if Meyer typed them one-handed. *shudders*

Edward crawled back to Carlisle due to his guilty conscience. They reach Edward's bedroom, which has a huge window for when Edward decides to go sparkling. Meyer had been trying this whole time to impress us with how filthy stinkin' rich the Cullens are, but here is where it gets truly ridiculous.

The western wall was completely covered with shelf after shelf of CDs. His room was better stocked than a music store.

Are you fucking kidding me? Are you saying that Edward somehow managed to fit a Virgin Megastore into his bedroom? It was bad enough when Carlisle's office was compared to a fucking LIBRARY, but now Edward's bedroom contains more stock than a music store? Does Meyer have NO sense of scale? Does she not realize how big a library or a music store can be? It's not as if the whole room is filled with CDs either, it's just the one wall. How fucking huge is that wall? (+1 Stupidity)

Also, why is it just CDs? What about audio cassettes? 8-track tapes? Vinyl records? People still collect vinyl records even nowadays, you know. Did Edward not hold on to some of his vintage albums, or is his enthusiasm for music a fairly recent thing? Also, why does no one in this book have an MP3 player? Or a cellphone? Or broadband internet?

Bella admires the music collection, and, I am not kidding, Meyer actually stops to explain how Edward organizes his CDs. Riveting stuff here. Since the word "subtlety" isn't in Meyer's vocabulary, she has her characters flat-out explain to us how they feel about Bella knowing all about Edward.

... his eyes dissected my expression ...

I am tempted to start a charity drive to pay for grief counseling on behalf of Meyer's thesaurus. To dissect means to analyze and interpret something minutely. In general it refers to ideas, as in dissecting a poem or the points of an argument. That is a function of the brain, not the eyes. Eyes cannot dissect anything. Why do people claim that Meyer is some kind of genius writer when she constantly uses her words wrong? {+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Then Bella makes a comment I actually find funny. It wasn't meant as a joke, but I find it humorous because she basically says what I've been wanting to say to Edward ever since he showed up in this book.

"I hate to burst your bubble, but you're really not as scary as you think you are. ..."

Of course, since saying that seriously would threaten to break the "bad boy" image Meyer so thoroughly and repeatedly tried to establish for Edward, she is sure to point out that Bella is lying.

Edward raises his eyes in "blatant disbelief", the word "blatant" being unnecessary in that sentence. As if to say "oh yeah, well I'll show you!", Edward assumes a threatening stance. Bella has enough time to comment on his "perfect teeth" before he tackles her. You read that right. Bella said he isn't scary, and in response he fucking tackles her! It isn't a playful tackle, either. She's becomes airborne, they crash into the sofa, and are knocked into the wall.

How reckless, irresponsible, and immature is this guy? (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

All the while, his arms formed an iron cage of protection around me--I was barely even jostled.

BULLSHIT!

The laws of physics do not work that way. If you were struck by a human-sized stone-like object moving at a speed so great it can't be detected by the naked eye, with so much force that it caused you to go airborne, only to have your flight broken by hitting a nearby wall, you would be seven kinds of fucked. If this happened in reality Bella could be looking at broken bones, punctured organs, a cracked skull, and other injuries depending on where she was struck and the angle at which she hit the object that broke her flight. Edward having his arms around her would do next to nothing to protect her. You fail, Meyer. (+1 Stupidity)

Also, an iron cage? Weren't the sparkle fairies described as stone this whole time? Now they're suddenly made of iron? Good to see some consistency in this book.

Bella is perfectly alright and suffers no ill effects at all, because apparently she's a cartoon. She tries to right herself but Edward doesn't let her.

He wasn't having that. He curled me into a ball against his chest, holding me more securely than iron chains.

This is a perfect metaphor for their relationship, isn't it? Once again Edward decided to do whatever the hell he wanted, and damn how Bella might feel about it. Bella glares at him in alarm, clearly uncomfortable. Edward shows just how much of a bastard he is by finding Bella's reaction amusing.

"You were saying?" he growled playfully.

What the hell did that stunt even prove? That if you do something crazy and dangerous completely out of leftfield, Bella will be startled? You didn't prove that you are scary, jackass, you only proved that you're a stupid, thoughtless prick!

Bella wants to get up, but sparkledouche just laughs it off. Ha ha, silly woman. What's next, will she ask to vote?

Someone's at the door, no doubt wondering what the loud crashing sound was about. It would be kind of funny if the couch had ended up colliding with his sound system or his CD collection. It's Elf Willow and Jasper. Edward adjusts Bella so that she's on his lap so he can properly display his dominance over her to his family. Douchebag.

... she walked--almost danced, her movements were so graceful--to the center of the room, where she folded herself sinuously onto the floor.

I don't even know what to say to that. The passage speaks for itself; you don't need me to tell you how silly that sounds. Sure, it doesn't quite top Meyer's line about "bouquets of brilliant anemones undulating ceaselessly" (try saying that five times fast) though. Apparently the sparkle fairies can't even walk without a flowery passage to describe how gracefully they walk. They also can't sit down, they have to "fold themselves sinuously."

I get that Meyer thinks that her sparkle fairies are the greatest thing ever created, but can she at least let them perform basic tasks without waxing poetic about how perfect they are? You don't need have the book come to a screeching halt because, oooh, one of the sparkle fairies rang a doorbell and you have to describe how gracefully he pressed the button.

"It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share," Alice announced.

HAR HAR HAR! It's funny because they're talking about Bella's gruesome murder. Oh, Meyer, you are such a card. (+1 Stupidity)

That joke is in incredibly poor taste, especially given that Bella is sitting right there and might be a little uncomfortable about being in a room with monsters talking about eating her, even if it is a joke. What's more, I think they might actually be serious.

Think about it. They heard a violent crashing sound as the couch struck the wall at super speed, an obvious sign of conflict unless Edward makes a habit of breaking his own furniture. They had no way of knowing what was going on in there, so even if they weren't 100% certain that Edward was eating Bella, the thought must have at least crossed their minds.

And don't give me the bullshit about Elf Willow's psychic powers. For one, it's not mentioned here; and second, Jasper was shocked to see Bella and Edward in the room, which clearly shows that whatever he was expecting to see behind that door, it was not Edward holding Bella on his lap. If Elf Willow really HAD foreseen that Bella was alright, you'd think she'd care to mention this to Jasper. At least one of them was probably expecting a free snack.

Edward is amused.

"Sorry, I don't believe I have enough to spare," he replied, his arms holding me recklessly close.

Again, Bella is right there! You also gotta love how Bella describes them as being "recklessly close", as if there was something wrong with him holding her that near to him. Twu wuv, folks, is apparently code for "get the hell away from me." To be fair, though, he is holding her against her will, so that's likely the reason for the comment. No stupidity point for that.

Oh, it seems that Elf Willow's powers allow her to predict the weather too. At first I thought that she'd just watched the weather report, but then Bella comments about her being more reliable than the weatherman, implying that the prediction comes from Elf Willow and not from the news. Her powers do just about anything Meyer wants them to do, huh?

Turns out there's going to be a storm and they're going to play sparkleball. They invite Bella, who agrees so as not to disappoint Edward. Since there will be a storm, Bella asks if she should bring an umbrella, which they find funny for some reason.

They all three laughed aloud.

Do I even NEED to point out what's wrong with that sentence?

Elf Willow goes to check if Carlisle will go with them, and apparently she runs like a ballerina. Okay, I just can't take it anymore. Every time Meyer describes Elf Willow's movements I laugh at how ridiculous the descriptions are, but I realize that some of you may require a visual aid.

Meyer just compared Elf Willow rushing off to Carlisle to ballet. If you've ever seen a ballet performance you know how silly that is. Take a look at this.



So picture Elf Willow constantly twirling, leaping, and dancing ALL THE TIME, even when doing the simplest of things. Now you see why I keep laughing at these descriptions. (+1 Stupidity)

Jasper manages to "inconspicuously" close the door when they leave, as opposed to how people normally close doors in as attention-grabbing a manner as possible. *eyeroll*

And with that the chapter finally ends.

So there you have it, another filler chapter where absolutely nothing happens. You're probably expecting some witty commentary or a fit of rage here, but this chapter is just so utterly BORING that I don't even have the energy for that.

I need a drink.

Final Tally:

+9 Stupidity
+1 Bad Boyfriend
+1 Thesaurus Rape
+1 Eye Sex

The stupidity count has finally hit triple digits!

Twilight - Chapter Fifteen

The chapter title is a LIE!

This chapter is titled "The Cullens", and I assume this means we finally get to meet Edward's much talked about (and talked about, and talked about ...) family. Personally, I'm actually interested in getting some face time with the rest of the Cullen clan. It's about time the other characters actually got some decent screen time in this book.

The chapter begins with Bella waking up and literally throwing herself on Edward when she discovers that her type 2 bastard boyfriend had stayed the night. At some point he'd left the bed and assumed the creepy "watch her sleep" position on her rocking chair. I have to say I found this funny because of how over-the-top Bella's reaction is. It feels like I'm reading a parody. In fact, if Meyer had intended Twilight to be a parody of romance books I'd think she was a genius. That she is dead serious when she writes this makes it even more funny, but also a little sad.

And here I make my first strike against Charlie, who had disabled Bella's truck by pulling the battery cables. Personally I think that is a little extreme and shows a lack of trust on his part. I could understand it if Bella had a history of sneaking out or if she had given him some reason not to trust her, but she really hasn't. As much as I hate her attitude, she hasn't given Charlie cause to disable her truck based solely on one conversation. It also strikes me as out of character for him, given what's previously been established. Me thinks this is attempted character assassination to make Charlie look overbearing and thus make Bella more sympathetic. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward is amused.

"... I have to admit I was disappointed. Is that really all it would take to stop you, if you were determined to go?"

Funny, considering how Edward will later show us how to properly disable Bella's truck so he can control her.

I deliberated where I stood ...

Meyer seems to really love that word, using it several times in place of "considered," "thought," "contemplated," or other less formal words. Juries deliberate. Committees deliberate. Regular people think. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

"You're not usually this confused in the morning," he noted.

In case you forgot how much he stalks her. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

She skips to the bathroom. Geez, these descriptions are so flamboyant that I half expect to see a unicorn trot through the hallway. We now see Bella wash her face (why show us this?) before she rushes back to Edward and describes his presence in the room as a miracle. Excuse me while I heave.

Bella notices that Edward's clothes and hair are different and pouts because he'd left to change his clothes the previous night. Really? She's so fucking clingy that the man can't even leave to change his clothes? Oh cry me a river, bitch! (+1 Wangst)

I had noted at least a few times how Meyer likes to use the strongest, most dramatic sounding language she can think of even when describing the simplest things. For example, a character can never be sad, they must be "spiraling into an agony of despair." The same thing extends to the so-called love in this book. Meyer doesn't appear to know how to write genuine emotions or portray real affection, so she compensates by instead using grandiose language and spouting the strongest declarations of love she can think of.

That is why instead of little moments of chemistry that cement her characters as a couple we instead get descriptions of Edward's physical appearance. It's why instead of real interaction between the characters we get a scene where Meyer substitutes any real depth with basic questions like "what's your favorite color?" It is also why instead of those golden moments where you can see the love between the characters without the need for them to necessarily come out and say it, we get this.

"You are my life now," he answered simply.

Meyer has no idea how to write a romance. Corny gestures and grand statements are fine in a certain context, but Meyer keeps piling grandiose gesture on top of grandiose gesture as if that somehow adds up to true love. It does not. Simply throwing in grand declarations without actually SHOWING any love only robs the words of all meaning.

In another story, one that takes the time to establish and develop a romance rather than just telling the audience that it's there, the words "you are my life now" could be very profound and emotionally moving. Here it sounds cheap and contrived. Without any history, any context, they're just words he's saying. There has been no chemistry, no truly romantic moments. Meyer is not expressing her characters' love, she's trying to convince us of the existence of something that has not been demonstrated.

Their conversation is peppered with references to Edward's supposed vampirism, which at this point is really starting to get played out. We know that Edward is a sparklepire and Bella is human. I just wish Meyer would actually do something with it rather than cracking jokes. You can practically feel Meyer nudging the audience and winking, then patting herself on the back and saying "aren't I clever?"

Edward decides it's time for Bella to have breakfast, so the two walk down the stairs lovingly holding hands and ... wait, sorry, I was thinking about what an actual couple would do. Edward just throws the bitch over his shoulder.

He threw me over his stone shoulder, gently, but with a swiftness that left me breathless. I protested as he carried me easily down the stairs, but he ignored me. He sat me right up on a chair.

Mind you, this is not the first time he's done this. This is not how you treat a girl that you love, it's how you treat a whining child that refuses to eat her vegetables and runs from the table. It isn't romantic, it's degrading! (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

What really bothers me is how Bella just accepts Edward treating her like a child. Sure she protests while he's doing it, but she doesn't make an issue out of it. Like in the parking lot scene, when Edward dragged her to his car and threatened her until she got in, she protested at first then instantly forgot it, thereby giving Edward the green light to control her again. If she had any self-respect she would put her foot down and tell Edward "this is not okay, don't ever do it again." There is absolutely no reason why she shouldn't. Failing to do so only makes Bella a doormat and gives Edward permission to walk all over her.

I don't care if he's an all-powerful fairy. If he crosses the line he should be called out on it. Being a sparkling fairy with superpowers is not an all-purpose pass to excuse his abusive behavior.

By the way, I decided I'm going to stop referring to Edward and Co as vampires. I'd habitually used that word in previous entries of this blog, but it is inaccurate and misleading. Edward is not a vampire. The Cullens are not vampires. There are no vampires in the Twilight series. They bear a closer resemblance to fairies, so I will call them fairies from now on.

Anyway, Edward wants Bella to meet his family and she's worried that they might not like her. Alice may or may not have had a vision of Bella. Turns out they'd been placing bets on when Edward would take Bella to meet them.

"... though why anyone would bet against Alice, I can't imagine.

Wasn't it Edward who said that Alice's powers are not 100% accurate? The future is subjective, remember? Things change, remember? Alice could very well be wrong about, well, anything. If Edward is implying that her powers are totally accurate, then way to screw continuity ... again. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward changes the subject to Bella's cereal when she asks about it. He wants to know if it's any good.

"Well, it's no irritable grizzly ...,"

Okay, this has been bothering me for quite some time. I'd actually meant to bring this up sooner, but either the opportunity never arose or I was so busy bitching about something else that I forgot to add it in. I'll point this out as clearly as possible.

THERE ARE NO GRIZZLY BEARS ON THE OLYMPIC PENNINSULA!

Black bears, yes, but no grizzlies. You have to go way up north in order to find grizzlies. Just wanted to point that out.

Edward turns into a statue again. He does this so often that I'm starting to wonder if he's part gargoyle. Before I can get too annoyed by this Edward actually says something that I completely agree with. He wants Bella to introduce him to her father. Bella tries to dodge the issue, but Edward is not letting it slide this time.

"Isn't that customary?" he asked innocently.
"I don't know," I admitted. My dating history gave me few reference points.

Either Bella is lying or she's even more naive than I thought. Has she never had friends? Has she never watched TV? Read books? Everyone who goes outside knows that traditionally the new boy is expected to meet the folks eventually. It's practically a sociological cliche. Unless she's lived a VERY sheltered life, she should know this by default. (+1 Stupidity)

Not that any normal rules of dating applied here.

Why not? I don't see what the problem is. Fairy or not, he's a boy that is interested in her and is asking to meet her father. It seems pretty straightforward to me.

"That's not necessary, you know. I don't expect you to ... I mean, you don't have to pretend for me."
His smile was patient. "I'm not pretending.

Good Lord, what is with this girl that she automatically assumes that Edward couldn't possibly be interested in meeting her father? That he has to PRETEND for her sake? Has she no respect for the man? (+1 Bitch)

Every part of my body feels sick at once when I say this, but I li ... I liiii ... *deep breath* ... I ... like ... Edward's response here. It's the first thing he's said in this entire book so far that I actually thought was sweet. It's the first expression of caring that I think actually works.

It works because Meyer is not trying so hard. It works because it's simple, honest, and doesn't call attention to itself. I don't think Meyer was even trying to be romantic at the time, and that makes it work more. It's a simple statement, but it says more than all the lion-and-lambs and you-are-my-life-nows that preceded it. It's the context, as much as the words themselves, that make them ring true. Edward states that his desire to meet her father, to be integrated into her family in that way, is no act. That shows commitment, a willingness to put himself out there and declare himself as being a part of her life.

As you can see, Edward has just expressed a lot without the need to explain it outright. That is the kind of thing this book needs more of. This is what you'd call "subtlety." I'd give Meyer kudos for this if I wasn't convinced that she didn't really mean it that way, and that I'm just putting more thought into this than she ever did. After all, if Meyer really was capable of intentionally writing something like this we'd have seen a lot more of it before now. Still, it serves as a tiny glimpse of what this book could have been if its author were more competent.

Moving along, we get this little insight into how Bella thinks of their "relationship" (sarcasm).

"Are you going to tell Charlie I'm your boyfriend or not?" he demanded.
"Is that what you are?" I suppressed my internal cringe at the thought of Edward and Charlie and the word boyfriend in the same room at the same time.

Two things are revealed by this. The obvious thing is that Bella is mortified at the idea of her father even knowing about Edward, much less introducing Edward to him as her boyfriend. The reason for this is not explained or even hinted at, and so far has not been given any development. It feels as if Meyer is having Bella act like this simply because she's a teenage girl and is thus obligated to hate her father. Wouldn't want to rock the boat and actually write a father-daughter relationship with ... *gasp* ... DEPTH! Why have real emotions and complicated issues? That would just get in the way of more descriptions of Edward's physical appearance. I'm sure there's some part of him that hasn't been described a hundred times already.

The second thing revealed here is that Bella doesn't really consider Edward to be her boyfriend, or, at the very least, it hadn't occurred to her to think of him on those terms. She had to ASK Edward if that's what he is. This is all kinds of messed up when you really think about it. Almost immediately after meeting Edward just a couple of times she'd already been professing her "unconditional and irrevocable" love for him, and has made a LOT of grand statements as to her supposed love for Sparkledouche. Yet she hesitates to think of him as her boyfriend?

Considering how later in the series Bella will resist the idea of marrying Edward, who would have to resort to dangling the promise of Sparklepire immortality in front of her to get her to consent, and this part has a whole new meaning. What was it that Bella DID want from Edward, aside from being made into a fairy like him?



Kind of puts things in perspective, doesn't it? She wants him to fuck her, but she doesn't necessarily want to be involved with him in any way that extends beyond the purely physical. It's not his personality she's constantly praising, after all. This is also evidenced by how she resisted engaging Edward in a discussion that was aimed at getting to know each other a little better. This directly contradicts the very nature of this story, which is supposedly about true love. I've yet to see a definition of true love that includes "just want to fuck" as part of the description.

Bella doesn't want a boyfriend or a husband, she wants a friend with benefits. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but Meyer, and much of the fanbase, seem to confuse that with true love.

Meyer sneaks in another reference to Edward's fairydom that she imagines to be clever, and then we get a line which totally undermines what little praise I've given Meyer in this chapter.

"But he will need some explanation for why I'm around here so much. I don't want Chief Swan getting a restraining order put on me."

Yep, Edward states his real reason for wanting to be introduced to Charlie, and a desire to be a part of Bella's life via her family is not it. So much for my optimistic interpretation of his earlier statement. This is also yet another missed opportunity, as this would be the perfect time to explore Bella's relationship with her father and why she thinks so little of him. You know, that little thing we like to call "character development"?

It's telling that we've gone through more than half of the book and I still have no idea who these people are. All we have after the halfway mark is that Bella thinks Edward is pretty and Edward thinks Bella is hot. That's it. We don't even have the pretense of conflict via Edward's blood thirst because it's been established that he can simply will himself not to act on it. It constantly amazes me that trees were sacrificed to print this drivel. It takes a special kind of incompetence to fill a book with so many words and still manage to say nothing!

Edward decides it's creepy-touchy time. This has actually been bothering me for a while. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about the way Meyer describes Edward touching Bella in this book just creeps me the hell out. I imagine if I got a similar feeling from someone I met, I wouldn't drink anything offered to me for fear of being date raped.

He walked slowly around the table, and, pausing a few feet away, he reached out to touch his fingertips to my cheek. His expression was unfathomable.

This reminds me of something I read in the book, How Not to Write a Novel. There is a section titled "Words fail me: where the author stops short of communication", where they discuss how some writers lack the ability to actually describe a thing and instead resort to generalized words, such as Meyer's use of the word "unfathomable" in place of an actual description of Edward's expression and whatever mood it is conveying.

The book describes the problem thusly.

It is the equivalent of showing slides of your visit to Machu Picchu, in which you stand in the foreground of each shot, smiling and gesturing at Machu Picchu but also blocking Machu Picchu from view. Your reader is thinking, "What the hell is that behind him? It looks like it might be Machu Picchu. Or maybe a McDonalds.

I'm quite sure that, for Meyer, saying Edward's expression was "unfathomable" had a lot of feeling for her, but I am not her; so she has to convey those feelings to me, the reader, in a way that I can comprehend without the need for the two of us to swap brains.

... Good God, I just freaked myself out at the thought of swapping brains with that woman. Ugh!

Moving on.

"Does that make you sad?" I asked
He didn't answer. He stared into my eyes for an immeasurable period of time.

*sigh* Scroll up and reread my previous rant.

The use of the word "immeasurable" makes no sense in this context. She probably meant that she became so lost in his eyes that she lost track of time, or something like that, but saying he stared for an "immeasurable" period of time is just plain wrong. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Edward tells Bella to get dressed and she magically appears in her bedroom picking out clothes. No transition, just "get dressed" and "I'm picking out clothes." A little surprising. Given Meyer's tendency to linger on the most insignificant details, I thought Bella going from one room to the next would take up a whole paragraph. Bella refers to Edward in the narration as her "vampire sweetheart" and then we get this interesting insight.

It was a relief to think the word to myself. I knew I shied away from it intentionally.

I'm not sure which word Meyer is referring to here. Is it the word "vampire" or "sweetheart" she'd been shying from? The former makes sense, as Meyer had been tiptoeing around the word. She has used the word vampire before, but in general she treats it in a way similar to how a mildly homophobic person trying to be tolerant would treat the word "gay" around his best friend he'd just learned was homosexual. He may awkwardly allude to his friend's homosexuality ("I thought you people were ... uh ... fashionable or something.") but stop just short of using the actual word for fear of being offensive. Meyer's handling of the subject of Edward's fairydom reeks of a similar awkwardness, as if the author herself is very uncomfortable addressing it directly.

If it's the latter then this would be a rather interesting look at how Bella views their "relationship" (quotes for sarcasm). If this is the case, then I think this deserves more expansion, as it could result in character development and perhaps even introduce some much needed conflict into the story. By examining why Bella would hesitate to think of Edward as her "sweetheart" we could learn more about her as a person than all the "what's your favorite gemstone" questions in the world could tell us.

But since this is Meyerland, where people don't have personalities and conflict doesn't exist, this observation is forgotten instantly in favor of describing the clothes Bella picked out. Edward comments on how she looks (surprise, he thinks she's hot). He also pecks her on the forehead, which causes her to become woozy so that the room spins. I can almost hear a laugh track playing in the background when I read these scenes.

Then he kisses her on the lips ... and she faints.

She actually fucking faints.

She then accuses Edward of making her faint. (+1 Stupidity)

Really? Is this actually meant to be taken seriously? They talk about the fainting, Edward wondering if he should take Bella out in that condition. He changes his mind after he "measures her expression" *eyeroll* and, as if Edward has suddenly become aware that he's trapped in a stupid book, makes the following observation.

And you're worried, not because you're headed to meet a houseful of vampires [fairies], but because you think those vampires [fairies] won't approve of you, correct?"

Bella agrees, and is surprised at Edward's casual use of the word vampire [fairy]. Um ... why would she be surprised that the guy who's existed as a fairy for the better part of a century is used to using the word that describes what he is?

And then Bella teleports, going instantly from her house to in her truck and exiting the main part of town. You can tell that Meyer is in a big hurry to get to the Cullen's place, so much so that she glosses over details and makes the next paragraph read more like a grocery list than prose. She picks up her usual wordiness when they reach Casa De Cullen, however.

... there were six primordial cedars that shaded an entire acre with their vast sweeps of branches.

Primordial? Seriously?

... making obsolete the deep porch that wrapped around the first story.

Someone really needs to file a restraining order against Meyer on behalf of her thesaurus. Obsolescence refers to a thing going out of style or becoming useless through the changing of the times. Unless those "primordial" cedars were planted after the house was built they could not render a porch obsolete. Not only is it the wrong word, it also contradicts what she'd just written! (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

The house was timeless, graceful, and probably a hundred years old.

Wow, a hundred years old? That's absolutely amazing! Nobody lives in a house THAT old. Oh, wait, I do. And my neighbors. And a large portion of the U.S. population. Well, at least Bella is such the studious architect that she can immediately recognize the age of a house just by looking at it. She's so good, in fact, that she can also tell that the doors and windows are part of the original structure (or else perfect restorations).

So, according to Bella the house is 3 stories, white, and "well proportioned" (which tells us nothing), and a hundred years old. She just described any number of houses in the USA. Hell, if my house were rectangular it would match this description. I can tell from Bella's reaction that I'm supposed to be impressed, but I'm finding it hard to share her enthusiasm with a house that is described in such vague terms. Here is where some fine details would really help. What is it about the house that is graceful? What small touches can she point out that gives the place its timeless quality? She doesn't have to pull out the blueprints, just point out a couple of things to differentiate this particular house from others.

How about this, Meyer. Pretend that the house is Edward. No, wait, then she'd spend the rest of the book describing its "perfect" architecture and "angelic" windows. Bella would be chagrined whenever she climbed the front steps and ringing the doorbell would cause her to faint.

Also the house would stalk her.

He took my hand easily, without thinking about it.

Why does she need to point out that Edward doesn't have to stop and think about holding her hand? Aren't they supposed to be "unconditionally and irrevocably" in love? Aren't they a lion and a lamb? Isn't Bella Edward's life now? You'd think that, for two people with such a deep and profound connection, hand holding would be a given. It certainly wouldn't be necessary to point out that he doesn't have to think about it, as if that is somehow out of the ordinary.

You see what I mean? Meyer says one thing about their relationship, and Bella and Edward's actions tell a completely different story. For all of Meyer's aggrandizing, the two barely even know each other. That's not a bad thing, mind you. The problem is that Meyer pretends that their "relationship" is this magical, transcendent thing when in reality it's just two kids (yes, I mean Edward as well; he hasn't shown much more maturity than your average teenager) dealing with their hormones. Again, that is not a bad thing. If Meyer had recognized this and built their relationship up from there, this would have been a better book. Instead she asks us to take her word for it that their relationship is oh so special, telling of their supposed twu wuv rather than actively showing it. That is why she fails as a writer. Your ability to see the much lauded magic of these books is directly proportional to your willingness to swallow Meyer's bullshit without asking for any real proof.

They walk towards the house, Edward rubbing circles into Bella's hand. As I mentioned earlier, something about the way Meyer describes Edward touching Bella seems kind of off to me. Bella, the architect, makes some comments about the construction of the inside of the house, and at last we get some real details about the place.

One thing does jump out at me. Everything is white. The Cullens, the supposed good guys, are all pale (I'm guessing the Cullen family has a "no blacks allowed" policy), which has been pointed out several times as an example of their beauty. Even the house they live in is white. The walls are white, the floor is white, the carpet is white. So far the only confirmed non-white people we've run into have been Jacob and co, who are beast-men, and a dirty-looking rapist (confirmed in Midnight Sun). There seems to be a running theme of white = goodness going on here. A more suspicious person would wonder if Meyer was trying to tell us something, if you know what I mean. Correct me if I'm mistaken here. Maybe there was a non-white character we've met so far that I've simply overlooked (and no, I don't count the movie).

Given that Meyer is obsessed with drilling it into our heads that Edward is perfect in every way, it naturally follows that he's also filthy stinkin' rich, which Bella is happy to point out. So, for those of you following at home, the things about Edward that impresses Bella are his looks and his money. Can't you just feel the twu wuv in the air?

Bella sees Carlisle and Esme and, of course, comes close to wetting the white carpet in her amazement at their pale beauty. Also they dress to match the house. She immediately shows Carlisle much more respect than she shows her own father, and continuing with the white = goodness theme, she compares Esme to Snow White.

Elf Willow (Alice) shows up and gives Bella a hello peck on the cheek, which shocks everyone. You see, Meyer has been describing Carlisle and Esme as being cautious, on guard to control the blood hunger that only seems to show up either when the plot needs a contrivance or Meyer is trying to create false tension. Since nothing is ever done with it and it has been established to be non-threatening, it's presence here adds nothing to the scene.

Also, you'd think that at least Carlisle would have an easier time of it. The guy is a friggen doctor. If he has to put that much effort into greeting one girl, what happens when he sees a patient that is bleeding? Oh, wait, nothing happens. Tyler was bleeding when he and Bella were in the hospital and he barely even noticed him. Oh, I get it, he has trouble with Bella because she's a super special awesome snowflake whose blood smells like flowers. Fucking Mary Sue. (+1 Stupidity)

I was startled to feel Edward stiffen at my side

God dammit, Meyer! The last thing I want to think about is Edward stiffening! *feels sick*

Elf Willow tells Bella that she smells nice, and Bella handles this compliment about as well as you'd expect. Cue the "extreme embarrassment." Jasper shows up and Meyer, of course, doesn't miss this opportunity to comment on his beauty as well. I'll actually give her some credit; she remembered that stuff she'd previously established about Jasper's powers and uses that here, though it is kind of sad that Meyer getting her continuity straight can be considered a noteworthy event. They exchange platitudes and Meyer not so subtly points out that Edward and Carlisle look at each other meaningfully.

Bella looks at the piano and we finally, FINALLY, learn something of substance about one of the other characters: Bella's mother. How funny is it that Renee, who so far has only appeared in this book in one scene, has now officially had more character development than the main characters?

It turns out that Edward plays the piano, having learned in Gary Stu camp. Bella says that of course she should have known he can play because "Edward can do everything, right?" Meyer is not even pretending that Edward is anything other than a Gary Stu, so it surprises me that some Twilight fans get offended at that observation.

At if to further cement this fact, the next bit of dialogue seems to exist for the sole purpose of reinforcing how awesome Edward is supposed to be. It's official: Edward Cullen is now the Wesley Crusher of this book. To illustrate, here is a quote from the page I just linked to.

The main characteristic of The Wesley is that the writers' focus on them is detrimental to the show, not so much that the parts featuring this character necessarily suck more than the rest, but that so much effort is being directed to them that it detracts from the quality of the series as a whole. It's as if the writers think that there's nothing more important than browbeating the viewers into falling in love with this one character. And it never works.

That is Edward ... so ... much!

It gets to the point where you wonder why any of the other characters are even in this book. They all seemingly exist only to point out how awesome Edward is, talking about him constantly. If Edward is not being talked about its usually because either the plot is busy setting up a way to shoehorn in another contrived scene involving Edward, or Meyer is simply too busy giving us flowery descriptions of his physical appearance for the thousandth time.

How can a book devote so much time to a single character and still tell us so little about him? Those few things we DO learn don't even add to his personality, but instead serve only to beat us over the head with how super special awesome he is.

Don't believe me? Let's take a look at Bella's thoughts about the piano and how they relate to Renee and Edward respectively.

She wasn't really good--she only played for herself on our secondhand upright--but I loved to watch her play. She was happy, absorbed--she seemed like a new, mysterious being to me then, someone outside the "mom" persona I took for granted.

Here we actually LEARN something about Renee, and Bella's relationship with her. Here you actually get a sense of the bond that exists between the two characters. This paragraph gives us some real insight into them. I now know something about Renee that goes beyond a mere bullet-point fact. By describing how she reacts to playing the piano, we've had a small glimpse into her soul.

And now Edward.

"No," she laughed. Edward didn't tell you he was musical?"
"No," I glared at his suddenly innocent expression with narrowed eyes. "I should have known, I guess."
Esme raised her delicate eyebrows in confusion.
"Edward can do everything, right?" I explained.

Here the piano serves no purpose. It's just another item on the list of things that makes Edward awesome. It contributes nothing to his character and is only there to impress the reader. That is why the piano counts as character development for Renee and not for Edward. With Renee it explores her personality, her passion, and the time she'd spent with her daughter. With Edward it's just a fact. This blog is written in English and Edward plays the piano. Those two observations carry the same weight.

"Well, play for her," Esme encouraged.
"You just said showing off was rude," he objected.
"There are exceptions to every rule," she replied.

This only strengthens my argument. With Renee, playing the piano for Bella was a moment of bonding. With Edward it's just "showing off." Edward plays something on the piano and, of course, Edward is the best damn piano player around.

... the room was filled with a composition so complex, so luxuriant, it was impossible to believe only one set of hands played.

Also, as if Meyer thinks that she's perhaps being too subtle, we get this.

I felt my chin drop, my mouth open in astonishment, and I heard low chuckles behind me at my reaction.

I know, I keep going on about the piano thing. It's just that I see so much potential for character development here that is being ignored for the sake of "ooh, look at how awesome Edward is! He can play an instrument!" Something that could add depth and soul to Edward is reduced to a meaningless fact.

This just serves to remind us of how shallow this book is, where the closest one gets to (intentional) character development is "what's your favorite color?" Even THAT is just more Edward body worship, as Bella's answer to that question was basically whatever color Edward's eyes happen to be at the time. Even Sideshow Bob wasn't that obsessed with a single person, and he wanted to murder Bart for ruining his life. Even he said "you know, I DO have a life outside of you."

Meyer seems to think this might be a little too subtle, so she has Edward look up and wink, as if this is the most awesome thing in the history of awesome. You know what? I'm going to forget about the piano before I am compelled to kill again.

As if we hadn't gotten enough infodumping last chapter, it's Rosalie exposition time! Oh goody. Now I know what you're thinking. Since Rosalie is close by we might get to see Bella interact with her and see some of her personality. If you honestly believe that, you've clearly forgotten which book you're reading. No, Edward exposits about her to Bella. Turns out Rosalie is angsty about being a fairy and she's jealous of Bella.

"Rosalie is jealous of me?" I asked incredulously. I tried to imagine a universe in which someone as breathtaking as Rosalie would have any possible reason to feel jealous of someone like me.

Because physical attractiveness is the only thing that matters in Bella's mind. Attractive people have absolutely no problems and it is impossible that anyone who is less attractive could possibly have something she doesn't. Ugh, this book makes me sick!

He talks some more about the other characters, explaining their reactions and what they think about Bella. This is simply inexcusable. The people he's talking about are IN THE SAME FUCKING HOUSE! Would it KILL Meyer to actually show us these things rather than telling? There is no reason or excuse for an infodump here. This is lazy writing!

I would add a "bad writing" count to this blog, but that would not only mean going over my old entries and retroactively adding points, it would also result in a count that is higher than the stupidity count!

I mean, Good Lord, isn't this chapter called "the Cullens"? Isn't this supposed to be about meeting Edward's family? They didn't even get to do anything! It's just: "Good to see you, Bella. Oh, here's a piano. Edward is awesome at the piano, aren't you Edward? Edward is so amazing. Why don't you play for her, Edward? Oh, do show off Edward. We'll be going now because the awesomeness of Edward is so absolute that we're no longer needed in this scene. EDWARD!"

YOU SPOONY BARD!

Edward has news for Bella.

"I have to, because I'm going to be a little ... overbearingly protective over the next few days--or weeks--and I wouldn't want you to think I'm naturally a tyrant."

So ... he'll pretty much be the same as usual.

Turns out Elf Willow used her vaguely established plot device powers to predict the arrival of other fairies, of the variety that actually eat people. Naturally, Edward concludes that he has to stalk Bella even more in order to keep her safe.

Um, question. Forks has a population of a few thousand, yes? And Edward said the other fairies probably won't even go into town at all. So ... why not just ask Bella not to leave town for the next few days? Is he really afraid that they'll magically zero in on Bella specifically, even though they don't even know who she is, out of thousands of people, from the outskirts of town, simply because she's just that special?

Oh, who am I kidding? This is Meyer we're talking about. Bella's Mary Sue status will ensure that any danger naturally homes in on her specifically, no matter how little sense it makes. (+1 Stupidity)

Meyer tosses in the obligatory "my vampires are different" lines that every modern writer is obligated by law to include in any story that has anything even remotely to do with vampires. Her fairies don't sleep in coffins! Oh, how original! A side note: I find it funny how so many writers try to make vampires different from the myths to the point where "my vampires are different" has itself become a cliche. At this point writing a story featuring vanilla vampires pulled straight from lore would actually be a refreshing change. This has nothing to do with anything, I'm just rambling because I'm bored.

Bella sheds tears. Edward tastes them. HE TASTES HER FUCKING TEARS! Am I the only one who sees how creepy this guy is? Why do people think this is normal/romantic behavior? I feel like I'm the only sane guy in the room! (+1 Bad Boyfriend)



Edward gives Bella a tour of the house ... which consists of one line of dialogue.

"Rosalie and Emmett's room ... Carlisle's office ... Alice's room ..." He gestured as he led me past the doors.

That's it. That's the tour. I'll say it again: LAZY WRITING!

They stop at a cross (SYMBOLISM!) and Edward explains Carlisle's backstory and--

No. NO. That's it. I've had it. I'VE FUCKING HAD IT! No more pointless backstory. No more explaining the other characters rather than actually talking to them. I'm skipping this part. For my own sanity I'm no longer going to pay attention to character backstory unless it is either relevant or it's coming from interactions with the characters themselves.

Thankfully, mercifully, the chapter ends here.

So, what did we get from this chapter? A whole lot of nothing and another infodump. Bella briefly meets the Cullen family, but they don't stick around long enough to do anything. They just leave so that Edward can hog all the screen time and give exposition.

God this book sucks!

Oh, and by the way, I'm officially back now. I know it's been a long time, what with the personal issues cropping up, but I got my groove back and now that we're at the home stretch I just want to get this godawful thing out of the way so I can FINALLY delete this book from my Kindle and pretend it doesn't exist.

I need a drink.

Final Tally:

+6 Stupidity
+3 Thesaurus Rape
+3 Bad Boyfriend
+1 Wangst
+1 Bitch

Twilight - Chapter Fifteen (April Fool's Edition)

In which we finally meet the Cullens.

This chapter is titled "The Cullens", and I assume this means we finally get to meet Edward's much talked about (and talked about, and talked about ...) family. Personally, I'm actually interested in getting some face time with the rest of the Cullen clan. It's about time the other characters actually got some decent screen time in this book.

The chapter begins with Bella waking up and literally throwing herself on Edward when she discovers that he had stayed the night. Here you really get a sense of the love that exists between them. I couldn't help but smile and go "aww" at how positively adorable Bella's reaction is.

Edward tells Bella that Charlie had disabled her truck to prevent her from sneaking out.

"... I have to admit I was disappointed. Is that really all it would take to stop you, if you were determined to go?"

That was awfully mean of Charlie, and I'm sure Edward would never do something like that.

"You're not usually this confused in the morning," he noted.

Aww. Isn't it sweet how he's always there for her when she's asleep? :)

She skips to the bathroom and we get a totally necessary scene in which we get to see her wash her face. Bella notices that Edward's clothes and hair are different and pouts because he'd left to change his clothes the previous night. It really strikes me how much she loves him, feeling the incredible pain of being separated from her precious even for an instant.

Here I have to note Meyer's excellent use of language. When talking about a love as deep and true as that between Bella and Edward, ordinary words just don't suffice. Indeed, there isn't really any words in the English language that can accurately describe their love. Even so, Meyer perseveres and somehow manages to find just the right words to describe the incredible chemistry of her main characters to us. Case in point.

"You are my life now," he answered simply.

Best line ever! Meyer really is a poet. :)

Their conversation is peppered with joking references to Edward's vampirism. No matter how many times these jokes are made I can never get enough of them. It's funny because he's a vampire!

Edward decides it's time for Bella to have breakfast.

He threw me over his stone shoulder, gently, but with a swiftness that left me breathless. I protested as he carried me easily down the stairs, but he ignored me. He sat me right up on a chair.

Hehe, isn't that cute? You just gotta love Edward! He knows when to be a man and take charge!

Edward wants Bella to meet his family and she's worried that they might not like her. Alice may or may not have had a vision of Bella. Turns out they'd been placing bets on when Edward would take Bella to meet them. Edward changes the subject to Bella's cereal when she asks about it. He wants to know if it's any good.

"Well, it's no irritable grizzly ...,"

Are there grizzly bears in the Olympic Peninsula? I'm pretty sure there aren't, but that doesn't matter. Bella and Edward are just so adorable together!

Edward wants Bella to introduce him to her father. Bella tries to dodge the issue, but Edward is not letting it slide this time.

"Are you going to tell Charlie I'm your boyfriend or not?" he demanded.
"Is that what you are?" I suppressed my internal cringe at the thought of Edward and Charlie and the word boyfriend in the same room at the same time.

It is just so sad that Bella has to shoulder this kind of pressure. I mean, she has to put up with her overbearing father, and now that she has the most beautiful boy in existence all to herself she might have to tell her dad about him. If I had to deal with that kind of burden, I wouldn't know what to do!

"But he will need some explanation for why I'm around here so much. I don't want Chief Swan getting a restraining order put on me."

He raises a very good point here. It would be kind of awkward if Charlie started questioning why a strange man was sneaking into her bedroom at night.

What should Bella do? I'm practically sweating as I turn these pages. Will she tell Charlie about Edward? Oh, if only there was a way for her to avoid doing that. I mean, sure Charlie has been nothing but a sweetheart to Bella, but Bella doesn't trust him with this, and I implicitly trust her judgment. I mean, when had Bella ever done something stupid?

Edward gently touches Bella, which makes me feel tingly all over. God I wish Edward were touching me right now!

"Does that make you sad?" I asked
He didn't answer. He stared into my eyes for an immeasurable period of time.

Uh ... what was I saying? Sorry, for a moment there I found myself lost in Edward's gorgeous eyes!

Bella refers to Edward in the narration as her "vampire sweetheart" and then we get this interesting insight.

It was a relief to think the word to myself. I knew I shied away from it intentionally.

I weep for her. How can she, a mere mortal, hope to compare to the godly, statuesque Adonis she's somehow managed to snag? Edward is just so gorgeous!

Then he kisses her on the lips ... and she faints.

OMFG SQUEE! HE ACTUALLY KISSED HER!

... I'll be in my bunk.

They talk about the fainting, Edward wondering if he should take Bella out in that condition. He changes his mind and makes the following observation.

And you're worried, not because you're headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won't approve of you, correct?"

LOL! He got here there! Not only is he incredibly handsome, he's also clever! I think I'm in love!

Bella and Edward drive to the Cullen's place, where we are treated to some beautiful description of the grounds surrounding their abode, which contains no misused words at all!

The house was timeless, graceful, and probably a hundred years old.

Naturally, the Cullens live in a beautiful home.

He took my hand easily, without thinking about it.

Aww! That's so sweet! If only everyone could find a love as amazing as this!

They walk towards the house, Edward rubbing circles into Bella's hand. If I close my eyes and focus hard enough, I can almost feel those same circles on my hand. It is the most amazing feeling in the world. God, I'm so jealous of Bella right now!

So Bella sees Carlisle and Esme ,and their pale beauty is positively stunning. She compares Esme to Snow White, which a description that totally jumps off the page!

Alice shows up and gives Bella a hello peck on the cheek. Her personality is so radiant, a masterpiece of character development!

I was startled to feel Edward stiffen at my side

Mmmm. Edward stiffening. Stiffen for me, pale god! STIFFEN FOR ME!

Jasper shows up, looking extremely gorgeous. He's no Edward, but if given the chance I wouldn't hesitate to dock his ship in my open port.

Bella looks at the piano and we learn that her mother used to play. Not that it matters. What DOES matter is that EDWARD PLAYS THE PIANO TOO!

"No," she laughed. Edward didn't tell you he was musical?"
"No," I glared at his suddenly innocent expression with narrowed eyes. "I should have known, I guess."
Esme raised her delicate eyebrows in confusion.
"Edward can do everything, right?" I explained.

That's our Edward, totally amazing at everything!

"Well, play for her," Esme encouraged.
"You just said showing off was rude," he objected.
"There are exceptions to every rule," she replied.

He's actually going to play?

SQUEEEEEEE!!!

... the room was filled with a composition so complex, so luxuriant, it was impossible to believe only one set of hands played.

Some celestial event. No - no words. No words to describe it. Poetry! They should've sent a poet. So beautiful. So beautiful... I had no idea.

I ... I ... AAAAAHHHHH!!!

... I just orgasmed.

Edward, in his voice of pure sex, tells Bella that Rosalie is angsty about being a vampire and that she's jealous of Bella.

"Rosalie is jealous of me?" I asked incredulously. I tried to imagine a universe in which someone as breathtaking as Rosalie would have any possible reason to feel jealous of someone like me.

I know, right? How can someone so physically PERFECT possibly have any problems?

He talks some more about the other characters, explaining their reactions and what they think about Bella. Character development at its finest! Sure, we could have THEM tell us these things, but it's so much better for Edward to tell us. That way we get to hear his sweet, sweet voice!

Edward has news for Bella.

"I have to, because I'm going to be a little ... overbearingly protective over the next few days--or weeks--and I wouldn't want you to think I'm naturally a tyrant."

I don't mind at all, Edward! Dominate me! Rule me! I will fear you, love you, do what you say and you will be my slave!

Bella sheds tears. Edward tastes them. Oh my God, that is so fucking HOT!

Edward gives Bella a tour of the house. They stop at a cross and Edward explains Carlisle's backstory and--

I can't take anymore. This is just too much awesome for me to handle in one sitting. I have to lie down. Yes, lie down and picture Edward's perfect, angelic body while I touch myself.

I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!

I finally understand what I've been missing! It's not about the plot, or the writing, or the logic. It's all about EDWARD! This is the greatest book ever written!

Now I know how LordKat felt when he played Robot Unicorn Attack!