KILL IT WITH FIRE!

When all is said and done ...

2011-10-26T12:00:00.001-04:00

The funeral was yesterday, and I just woke up from a very exhausting day. This event was held on such short notice because my mother wished to get it over with as quickly as humanly possible. I guess she thought that if she got through the funeral it would help with her pain.

Even so, a lot of people showed up. Family, friends, the landlady, NYPD officers. I always knew that my father was well-loved, but the huge turnout surprised me. I rode with my mother and my aunt in a limo provided by the funeral home. Officers in dress uniforms flanked the front entrance, and men in uniforms stood gathered in the building among the friends and family. I met many people there whom I haven't seen in years, from distant cousins to family friends I'd grown up with who, sadly, had went their separate ways as they matured into independent adults.

It was, of course, a somber occasion, but the service was also marked by upbeat gospel singing and funny anecdotes shared by Father's loved ones. My niece, Shanti, gave a particularly wonderful speech about the time she'd spent with her grandfather. My brother Jameson read a letter, written by his wife and children, so they could express their feeling despite not being able to attend.

Father was one of the few people who believed in my abilities as a writer from the very beginning. When we first moved into this house, he introduced me to the landlord and landlady as "my son, the writer." He read my work enthusiastically, and at one point even tried to pitch it to a friend who works for the Fox network. For this reason I decided that it was only right that I put those skills to use in honoring his memory. I wrote an elegy, which was printed on the back of the funeral program, and I requested the honor of being the one to deliver his eulogy.

No one I spoke to seemed to know the difference between an elegy, a eulogy, and an obituary. For this reason the funeral director expected me to recite the poem, and instead I gave a speech. I was then called back to the podium to read the elegy as well. Anyone who knows me is aware that crowds and I don't mix. On a good day I have social anxiety and stumble when I am forced to deal with more than one or two people at once. On a bad day I am agoraphobic and don't even want to leave the house. So standing up and delivering a speech was the last thing anyone seriously expected me to do. My mother was afraid that I'd choke on stage, or get cold feet and refuse to deliver the speech.

Neither of those things happened. There is a time and a place for one's personal baggage, and my father's funeral was neither of those things. This was about him, not me. To be perfectly honest, delivering the speech was easy. It didn't matter what the audience thought because I was not talking to them. I was talking to my father, and expressing my feelings to him.

The speech and the poem went over far, far better than I expected. While speaking I got nods and a nostalgic laugh or two, followed by applause. After the services people came up to me and said that they had no idea that I was such a talented writer. Some people asked if I was a poet. I told them that I write fiction and normally don't do poetry, and they said that I should. A relative asked if, many years from now, I would eulogize at his funeral. My writing was the talk of the occasion. I know my father would have been proud.

For the first time in my entire life I was publicly acknowledged as a writer. I think this was my father's final gift to me: the validation I had always sought, even though I myself never fully realized that I was seeking it. I realize now that this isn't some farfetched dream of mine, it is reality. I am a writer, no matter what happens. This has solidified my desire to be the writer my father always knew I am. When my first book is published, it will be dedicated to him.

An NYPD color guard rendered honors and saw my father's casket to the hearse. Police cars escorted the funeral procession; again I rode in the limo with my mother and my aunt. We were each given a rose, with the option of keeping it as a memory or laying them on his grave. I decided to give Father my rose; I do not need an object to remind me of him.

My mother wept as we returned home. My work here is not yet finished. For the past year I had been helping to take care of my dying father, and now I will be there for my mother and help her come to grips with the loss of her husband. At the same time I will continue my work, get my book published, and finally have my dream. This time I am no longer doing this only for myself.

Rest in peace, Dad.

It was inevitable ...

2011-10-21T12:34:00.000-04:00

My father, Walter Hill, passed away at 6:40 am this morning. May he find peace in the eternity that awaits him.

Apologies for the LONG delay.

2011-10-10T21:31:00.002-04:00

I would like to sincerely apologize for the lack of updates in such a long time. I don't remember if I wrote about this before or not, but my dad was diagnosed with type IV lung cancer last year, and I've been assisting with his care ever since.

Well, recently he took a pretty bad turn. He's bedridden to the point where he can no longer even use the bathroom on his own power. My mother is devastated. I've been pulling double duty seeing to my father's needs and providing emotional support when necessary. My mother has to work, so when she's away I take care of anything he requires. Needless to say, this has been quite taxing on me.

My father's well-being has been my sole concern the past few months, and I've lacked the ability to focus on much else. I've barely squeezed time to work on my own novel, so this blog is not the only thing that has suffered during this time.

While his condition has not improved very much, I've adjusted enough to the new routine, and the new emotional atmosphere of this house, that I'm more able to devote myself to my work. When my father intercoms me, though, I WILL drop everything to see to his needs. I'd be negligent if I did not.

That said, I am working on the next chapter and you will be seeing that when it is ready. Again, apologies for the delay.

Vampires Need More Gay

2011-07-22T00:59:00.002-04:00

Okay, so this isn't actually an anti-Twilight vid so much as a commentary on homosexuality in vampire fiction. While I'm not posting it under the "Anti Spotlight" label for that reason, I still found it interesting enough to share here.

Twilight - Chapter Sixteen

2011-06-21T01:34:00.005-04:00

In which Carlisle leaves so as not to distract from Edward.

You know what's worse than suffering a massive seasonal allergy attack? Suffering a massive seasonal allergy attack and reading Twilight.

This chapter is titled "Carlisle". Normally I would assume that this chapter would feature Carlisle, but as we've learned from the last chapter, the chapter titles can lie to you. As such, I really don't know what to expect. Edward hogging the majority of the screen time seems like a fairly safe bet, though.

The chapter opens with Meyer staunchly refusing to use the word "said" in her dialogue tags.

"Come in," Carlisle's voice invited.

Amateur writers do this a LOT. They feel that the word "said" is bland, so they try to spice up their dialogue by replacing it with other words. While this is not bad in and of itself, and can actually add personality to the characters when used sparingly and responsibly, Meyer seems to have an outright phobia of the word "said". Flip to any given page in this book and try to find an instance where she uses the word "said" in dialogue WITHOUT modifiers. Pretty hard to find any, isn't it? Those few you may find are the exceptions that prove the rule.

I could go on and on about Meyer's abuse of "said bookisms" and how they make her look like a complete novice, but that would derail this entire entry, so here's a link instead. Go nuts.

Meyer briefly describes Carlisle's office, and Of course it can't just be a nice office. It has to be a big office with fancy walls and a collection of books that is comparable to a public library. Carlisle is sitting behind a huge desk that's made of MAHAGONY!

Carlisle asks them what they want.

"I wanted to show Bella some of our history," Edward said. "Well, your history, actually."

Oh, you mean the history you infodumped on us at the end of the last chapter? Yippy, I can't wait for this latest lecture. *eyeroll*

Well I'll be damned. Meyer used the word said without an adverb. Now I actually feel a little bad about what I said earlier.

"We didn't mean to disturb you," I apologized.

And now I don't.

Couldn't even wait one sentence before throwing another one at us, eh Meyer?

Edward spins Bella around to look towards the door instead of, I don't know, maybe gesturing to indicate that he wants her to look in that direction. Since Edward touched her, Meyer doesn't miss the opportunity to point out how awesome it is. You know, maybe I should start a drinking game. Every time I use the word "awesome" sarcastically, take a shot. Actually, don't do that. I value my readers too much to kill them off with alcohol poisoning.

Edward pulls Bella aside and stands her in front of one particular painting. Remember what I said earlier about how Bella's refusal to call Edward out on his behavior gives him the impression that he's entitled to manhandle her? Well, we're seeing an example of that now. This is a small example, but it is indicative of Edward's mindset. Want Bella to look at something? Pull her over there. Want her to be someplace? Pick her up and carry her. He treats her like baggage to be toted around. This example may be small, but in a way it's just as bad as some of the other stuff he's pulled. This shows that physically forcing Bella to do things is natural to him now. Since Bella did not establish any boundaries, he doesn't respect them.

The worst part is that Bella had previously made it clear in the narration that she really doesn't appreciated being treated in such a way. Even so, she lets it slide because she considers it such an honor that someone as pretty as Edward is even giving her the time of day. She does not allow Edward's behavior out of love, but out of desperation. What kind of message do you think this sends? If someone is pretty enough you should let them walk all over you, because you should be grateful to even be in that person's presence? Yeah, THAT will certainly help teenage girls with their self-esteem. (+1 Stupidity)

Moving on. Carlisle comments on the picture, which depicts London, and Bella flinches because she hadn't heard him approach. We get it, the sparklepires have ninja powers. Stop pointing out how quiet they are whenever they move.

"Will you tell the story?" Edward asked

Don't see why Meyer felt the word "you" had to be italicized, but who cares? The important part is we're actually going to get some back story about a character from the character himself! Man, after all the Edward infodumping this comes as a welcome change of pace.

"I would," he replied, "but I'm actually running a bit late. ..."

*blinks*

What?

"... Besides, you know the stories as well as I do," he added ...

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOO!!!

GOD FUCKING SON OF A BUTTFUCKING WHORE!

I hate this book, I hate these characters, I hate their fucking house! I keep hoping for oranges, but they hand me lemons. I'm sick of it! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! WITH THE LEMONS! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN! (+1 Stupidity)

Then Carlisle leaves. He fucking leaves! You see what I mean? THE CHAPTER TITLE LIED TO YOU AGAIN! It's called "Carlisle", but Carlisle is barely even in this chapter. Sure it may be about him, but that means little without him actually being here. God forbid someone else should get a non-trivial amount of screen time. Heaven help us if someone else gets some focus besides Edward. That's who this chapter's really about, by the way. This isn't about Carlisle's past so much as it is about Carlisle's past in relation to Edward. He's the one telling the story; he's the one we're expected to admire. Carlisle is awesome, sparklepires are awesome, and by extension Edward is awesome. I really hope you weren't playing that drinking game just now.

Apparently Carlisle was suicidal after he was first turned, but since sparklepires are nigh indestructible he could not self terminate.

"... It is amazing that he was able to resist ... feeding ... while he was still so new. The instinct is more powerful then, it takes over everything. ..."

Of course, anyone who's read Breaking Fail knows that this is a load of bullshit. Oh, I forgot, it didn't bother Bella because she's a super special snowflake. God damn Mary Sues.

Edward tells Bella that Carlisle attempted to starve himself to death. Bella asks if this is possible.

"No, there are very few ways we can be killed."

WHOA! WAIT! HOLD ON! BACK THAT TRUCK UP!

They can't starve? What the hell is the point of the blood hunger, then? What purpose does it serve? If they're in no danger of starvation if they don't drink blood, then they don't need it. If they don't need to drink blood then they're not really vampires, are they? (+1 Stupidity)

Edward mentions Carlisle getting physically weak from not feeding, but that's not the same. It's not even close. Since sparklepires are several orders of magnitude stronger than humans, "weak" for them could easily mean "on human level." That would mean that they "need" to drink blood because it gives them superhuman abilities and they're addicted to the power. That makes it a drug, not an essential for life. They need blood like an addict needs his heroine (to use Meyer's own comparison).

If you stop eating, you die. That's how it works. The sparkle fairies' life is being sustained by something other than blood, which means that blood serves no purpose other than the "high" it gives them. Meyer has just invalidated any claim she's made to her darlings being vampires. They don't need blood, they have no weaknesses; they're not even undead. Their fairydom is the result of mutation from exposure to sparkle venom, a transformation that happens while they're still alive.

And before anyone shouts "artistic license!" I will point out that even artistic choice has its limits. A thing can only be changed so much until it reaches a point where it really should be called something else. The sparkle fairies have as much in common with the vampire as the owl has with the bat. Just because they have some passing similarities (owls and bats being nocturnal) doesn't make them the same creature. Sparkle fairies and vampires may both drink blood, but there is a world of difference between the two. Sparkle fairies are not vampires for the same reason that humans are not whales just because they're both mammals.

My God, she's not even TRYING! Why do Twifans INSIST that these are vampires when the book itself disproves that claim? The one thing the sparkle fairies had in common with vampires, and Meyer screwed that up too. Every time I think her incompetence can no longer amaze me, she finds some new way to pull it off. It would be impressive, really, if it weren't so incredibly sad.

Edward continues infodumping about Carlisle's past, and, frankly, I am so pissed at the Carlisle bait-and-switch (and amazed at Meyer's incompetence) that I'm tempted to skip this. Blah blah, Carlisle swam to France. Blah blah, sparklepires don't require oxygen.

Edward turns to stone, and his face is replaced by a block of ice. Hey, if Meyer isn't going to put in some effort, neither am I.

Edward takes a moment to be emo. You know what? I actually wish he'd get back to the infodump. It may be boring, but at least it isn't as painful to read as Edward's "oooh, I'm so damaged and brooding and that makes me sexy" lines.

They look at another painting before continuing with the story. You know what would be better than looking at paintings while Edward infodumps on the audience? Talking to CARLISLE about these things and getting his personal reactions to his own past! You know, actually SHOWING instead of just telling? The painting thing is almost as stupid as when a book character looks into a mirror so the author can describe her appearance.

"... Now he is all but immune to the scent of human blood. ..."

If that's the case, then why was he having trouble greeting Bella in the last chapter? Anyway, Edward plays up the blood hunger, which, given that we now know that it is completely harmless (except when Meyer feels the need to be dramatic), and that it's not even a real hunger, it loses much of its impact. Interesting to note that Edward says it took Carlisle centuries of "torturous effort" to control his blood addiction, but apparently Edward can simply will himself not to eat Bella because, as he put it, "mind over matter."

I am now tempted to tear out a page of Twilight and take it to a laboratory for analysis to determine if the pages themselves are made of bullshit. (+1 Stupidity)

This also shows that sparkle fairies don't really need blood at all, not even in the context of addiction. It may have a massive withdrawal phase, but Carlisle proved that it's possible to overcome that. If Carlisle is immune to the blood craving, and if it's the craving that makes them weak, then that would mean that he could literally never drink blood again and be just fine.

I'll admit I'm being a little unfair to Carlisle. His story is actually pretty interesting, which makes me wonder why this book isn't about him. I'd much rather be reading a book about his siring and his consequent struggle to come to terms with his mutated existence as a not-vampire than flip through page after page of descriptions of Edward's physical appearance. Oh, what am I saying? I wouldn't even want to read that, not if Meyer wrote it, because I know she'd find some way to screw that up as well. This woman should not be allowed anywhere near a pen, a typewriter, a word processor, or any other writing implement.

He talks about Carlisle running into other vampires.

"... they were much more civilized and educated than the wraiths of the London sewers."

Let's not even get into the fact that Carlisle's youth takes place over 200 years before underground sewers were even constructed. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward touched a "comparatively sedate" painting on the highest balcony, a sentence that makes me think he stretched out his arm like Mr. Fantastic. The figures in the painting were "looking down calmly on the mayhem below them." Uh ... what mayhem would that be? Is the room damaged? Is there some kind of violence going on? Is there a riot? The word "mayhem" in no way applies to the arrangement of paintings. Good God, Meyer, do you EVER stop to look up the words you pick out of the thesaurus? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

As if Meyer thought she might be being a little too subtle about how awesome her sparkle fairies are, she has Edward point out that Francesco Solimena, the Baroque-era Italian painter, was so inspired by Carlisle and his buddies that he often painted them as gods.

That's right, people. She just compared her sparklepires to works such as this.

... Hey, what's that whirring noise? Oh, wait, that's just Solimena rapidly spinning in his grave.

I don't mind Meyer being a horrible writer, but I do take offense to her trying to plunder history in an attempt to elevate her works by comparing them to the works of those who much more greatly deserve to be called artists.

Blah blah, he left his buddies because they acted like vampires. Blah blah, he was lonely. Blah blah, and now we're back to when he transformed Edward.

Edward has a brief emo moment, and when that passes Bella describes the "gentle angel's smile" that "lit his expression." Gag me with a spoon! (+1 Eye Sex)

Edward pulls Bella out of the room. I already pointed out what's wrong with this earlier, so I'll move on. Edward then starts talking about himself. Namely, how he once rebelled against Carlisle's "vegetarian" diet.

"Really?" I was intrigued, rather than frightened, as I perhaps should have been.

I get it, he's dangerous. Can you PLEASE shut up about it now?

He barked a laugh ...

How do you do that? What would that even sound like?

Edward only rebelled briefly, but quickly returned to the fold because he'd been reading Carlisle's mind and saw his "perfect sincerity," which makes no sense. Someone can be totally sincere in their belief in something and still be wrong. Just ask the May 21st rapture people. If Edward felt strongly enough about his disagreement to openly defy Carlisle, then knowing that Carlisle really believes in what he's doing shouldn't be that persuasive.

Edward says that he at first thought that, due to his psychic abilities, he could only target bad people. He says, for example, that if he fed on a murderer who was targeting an innocent woman, then surely that wouldn't make him so bad. If you've been paying attention, then you know that Edward is making this up. At the very least, he's never used his blood addiction as an excuse to save someone's life. To quote what he said back in chapter 8.

"I followed you to Port Angeles," he admitted, speaking in a rush. "I've never tried to keep a specific person alive before, and it's much more troublesome than I would have believed. ..."

Bella takes a moment to reflect on how awesome Edward is.

"... Edward as he hunted, terrible and glorious as a young god, unstoppable.

Whenever I read lines like this I wonder if Meyer typed them one-handed. *shudders*

Edward crawled back to Carlisle due to his guilty conscience. They reach Edward's bedroom, which has a huge window for when Edward decides to go sparkling. Meyer had been trying this whole time to impress us with how filthy stinkin' rich the Cullens are, but here is where it gets truly ridiculous.

The western wall was completely covered with shelf after shelf of CDs. His room was better stocked than a music store.

Are you fucking kidding me? Are you saying that Edward somehow managed to fit a Virgin Megastore into his bedroom? It was bad enough when Carlisle's office was compared to a fucking LIBRARY, but now Edward's bedroom contains more stock than a music store? Does Meyer have NO sense of scale? Does she not realize how big a library or a music store can be? It's not as if the whole room is filled with CDs either, it's just the one wall. How fucking huge is that wall? (+1 Stupidity)

Also, why is it just CDs? What about audio cassettes? 8-track tapes? Vinyl records? People still collect vinyl records even nowadays, you know. Did Edward not hold on to some of his vintage albums, or is his enthusiasm for music a fairly recent thing? Also, why does no one in this book have an MP3 player? Or a cellphone? Or broadband internet?

Bella admires the music collection, and, I am not kidding, Meyer actually stops to explain how Edward organizes his CDs. Riveting stuff here. Since the word "subtlety" isn't in Meyer's vocabulary, she has her characters flat-out explain to us how they feel about Bella knowing all about Edward.

... his eyes dissected my expression ...

I am tempted to start a charity drive to pay for grief counseling on behalf of Meyer's thesaurus. To dissect means to analyze and interpret something minutely. In general it refers to ideas, as in dissecting a poem or the points of an argument. That is a function of the brain, not the eyes. Eyes cannot dissect anything. Why do people claim that Meyer is some kind of genius writer when she constantly uses her words wrong? {+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Then Bella makes a comment I actually find funny. It wasn't meant as a joke, but I find it humorous because she basically says what I've been wanting to say to Edward ever since he showed up in this book.

"I hate to burst your bubble, but you're really not as scary as you think you are. ..."

Of course, since saying that seriously would threaten to break the "bad boy" image Meyer so thoroughly and repeatedly tried to establish for Edward, she is sure to point out that Bella is lying.

Edward raises his eyes in "blatant disbelief", the word "blatant" being unnecessary in that sentence. As if to say "oh yeah, well I'll show you!", Edward assumes a threatening stance. Bella has enough time to comment on his "perfect teeth" before he tackles her. You read that right. Bella said he isn't scary, and in response he fucking tackles her! It isn't a playful tackle, either. She's becomes airborne, they crash into the sofa, and are knocked into the wall.

How reckless, irresponsible, and immature is this guy? (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

All the while, his arms formed an iron cage of protection around me--I was barely even jostled.

BULLSHIT!

The laws of physics do not work that way. If you were struck by a human-sized stone-like object moving at a speed so great it can't be detected by the naked eye, with so much force that it caused you to go airborne, only to have your flight broken by hitting a nearby wall, you would be seven kinds of fucked. If this happened in reality Bella could be looking at broken bones, punctured organs, a cracked skull, and other injuries depending on where she was struck and the angle at which she hit the object that broke her flight. Edward having his arms around her would do next to nothing to protect her. You fail, Meyer. (+1 Stupidity)

Also, an iron cage? Weren't the sparkle fairies described as stone this whole time? Now they're suddenly made of iron? Good to see some consistency in this book.

Bella is perfectly alright and suffers no ill effects at all, because apparently she's a cartoon. She tries to right herself but Edward doesn't let her.

He wasn't having that. He curled me into a ball against his chest, holding me more securely than iron chains.

This is a perfect metaphor for their relationship, isn't it? Once again Edward decided to do whatever the hell he wanted, and damn how Bella might feel about it. Bella glares at him in alarm, clearly uncomfortable. Edward shows just how much of a bastard he is by finding Bella's reaction amusing.

"You were saying?" he growled playfully.

What the hell did that stunt even prove? That if you do something crazy and dangerous completely out of leftfield, Bella will be startled? You didn't prove that you are scary, jackass, you only proved that you're a stupid, thoughtless prick!

Bella wants to get up, but sparkledouche just laughs it off. Ha ha, silly woman. What's next, will she ask to vote?

Someone's at the door, no doubt wondering what the loud crashing sound was about. It would be kind of funny if the couch had ended up colliding with his sound system or his CD collection. It's Elf Willow and Jasper. Edward adjusts Bella so that she's on his lap so he can properly display his dominance over her to his family. Douchebag.

... she walked--almost danced, her movements were so graceful--to the center of the room, where she folded herself sinuously onto the floor.

I don't even know what to say to that. The passage speaks for itself; you don't need me to tell you how silly that sounds. Sure, it doesn't quite top Meyer's line about "bouquets of brilliant anemones undulating ceaselessly" (try saying that five times fast) though. Apparently the sparkle fairies can't even walk without a flowery passage to describe how gracefully they walk. They also can't sit down, they have to "fold themselves sinuously."

I get that Meyer thinks that her sparkle fairies are the greatest thing ever created, but can she at least let them perform basic tasks without waxing poetic about how perfect they are? You don't need have the book come to a screeching halt because, oooh, one of the sparkle fairies rang a doorbell and you have to describe how gracefully he pressed the button.

"It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share," Alice announced.

HAR HAR HAR! It's funny because they're talking about Bella's gruesome murder. Oh, Meyer, you are such a card. (+1 Stupidity)

That joke is in incredibly poor taste, especially given that Bella is sitting right there and might be a little uncomfortable about being in a room with monsters talking about eating her, even if it is a joke. What's more, I think they might actually be serious.

Think about it. They heard a violent crashing sound as the couch struck the wall at super speed, an obvious sign of conflict unless Edward makes a habit of breaking his own furniture. They had no way of knowing what was going on in there, so even if they weren't 100% certain that Edward was eating Bella, the thought must have at least crossed their minds.

And don't give me the bullshit about Elf Willow's psychic powers. For one, it's not mentioned here; and second, Jasper was shocked to see Bella and Edward in the room, which clearly shows that whatever he was expecting to see behind that door, it was not Edward holding Bella on his lap. If Elf Willow really HAD foreseen that Bella was alright, you'd think she'd care to mention this to Jasper. At least one of them was probably expecting a free snack.

Edward is amused.

"Sorry, I don't believe I have enough to spare," he replied, his arms holding me recklessly close.

Again, Bella is right there! You also gotta love how Bella describes them as being "recklessly close", as if there was something wrong with him holding her that near to him. Twu wuv, folks, is apparently code for "get the hell away from me." To be fair, though, he is holding her against her will, so that's likely the reason for the comment. No stupidity point for that.

Oh, it seems that Elf Willow's powers allow her to predict the weather too. At first I thought that she'd just watched the weather report, but then Bella comments about her being more reliable than the weatherman, implying that the prediction comes from Elf Willow and not from the news. Her powers do just about anything Meyer wants them to do, huh?

Turns out there's going to be a storm and they're going to play sparkleball. They invite Bella, who agrees so as not to disappoint Edward. Since there will be a storm, Bella asks if she should bring an umbrella, which they find funny for some reason.

They all three laughed aloud.

Do I even NEED to point out what's wrong with that sentence?

Elf Willow goes to check if Carlisle will go with them, and apparently she runs like a ballerina. Okay, I just can't take it anymore. Every time Meyer describes Elf Willow's movements I laugh at how ridiculous the descriptions are, but I realize that some of you may require a visual aid.

Meyer just compared Elf Willow rushing off to Carlisle to ballet. If you've ever seen a ballet performance you know how silly that is. Take a look at this.

So picture Elf Willow constantly twirling, leaping, and dancing ALL THE TIME, even when doing the simplest of things. Now you see why I keep laughing at these descriptions. (+1 Stupidity)

Jasper manages to "inconspicuously" close the door when they leave, as opposed to how people normally close doors in as attention-grabbing a manner as possible. *eyeroll*

And with that the chapter finally ends.

So there you have it, another filler chapter where absolutely nothing happens. You're probably expecting some witty commentary or a fit of rage here, but this chapter is just so utterly BORING that I don't even have the energy for that.

I need a drink.

Final Tally:

+9 Stupidity
+1 Bad Boyfriend
+1 Thesaurus Rape
+1 Eye Sex

The stupidity count has finally hit triple digits!

Twilight - Chapter Fifteen

2011-04-02T12:42:00.005-04:00

The chapter title is a LIE!

This chapter is titled "The Cullens", and I assume this means we finally get to meet Edward's much talked about (and talked about, and talked about ...) family. Personally, I'm actually interested in getting some face time with the rest of the Cullen clan. It's about time the other characters actually got some decent screen time in this book.

The chapter begins with Bella waking up and literally throwing herself on Edward when she discovers that her type 2 bastard boyfriend had stayed the night. At some point he'd left the bed and assumed the creepy "watch her sleep" position on her rocking chair. I have to say I found this funny because of how over-the-top Bella's reaction is. It feels like I'm reading a parody. In fact, if Meyer had intended Twilight to be a parody of romance books I'd think she was a genius. That she is dead serious when she writes this makes it even more funny, but also a little sad.

And here I make my first strike against Charlie, who had disabled Bella's truck by pulling the battery cables. Personally I think that is a little extreme and shows a lack of trust on his part. I could understand it if Bella had a history of sneaking out or if she had given him some reason not to trust her, but she really hasn't. As much as I hate her attitude, she hasn't given Charlie cause to disable her truck based solely on one conversation. It also strikes me as out of character for him, given what's previously been established. Me thinks this is attempted character assassination to make Charlie look overbearing and thus make Bella more sympathetic. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward is amused.

"... I have to admit I was disappointed. Is that really all it would take to stop you, if you were determined to go?"

Funny, considering how Edward will later show us how to properly disable Bella's truck so he can control her.

I deliberated where I stood ...

Meyer seems to really love that word, using it several times in place of "considered," "thought," "contemplated," or other less formal words. Juries deliberate. Committees deliberate. Regular people think. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

"You're not usually this confused in the morning," he noted.

In case you forgot how much he stalks her. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

She skips to the bathroom. Geez, these descriptions are so flamboyant that I half expect to see a unicorn trot through the hallway. We now see Bella wash her face (why show us this?) before she rushes back to Edward and describes his presence in the room as a miracle. Excuse me while I heave.

Bella notices that Edward's clothes and hair are different and pouts because he'd left to change his clothes the previous night. Really? She's so fucking clingy that the man can't even leave to change his clothes? Oh cry me a river, bitch! (+1 Wangst)

I had noted at least a few times how Meyer likes to use the strongest, most dramatic sounding language she can think of even when describing the simplest things. For example, a character can never be sad, they must be "spiraling into an agony of despair." The same thing extends to the so-called love in this book. Meyer doesn't appear to know how to write genuine emotions or portray real affection, so she compensates by instead using grandiose language and spouting the strongest declarations of love she can think of.

That is why instead of little moments of chemistry that cement her characters as a couple we instead get descriptions of Edward's physical appearance. It's why instead of real interaction between the characters we get a scene where Meyer substitutes any real depth with basic questions like "what's your favorite color?" It is also why instead of those golden moments where you can see the love between the characters without the need for them to necessarily come out and say it, we get this.

"You are my life now," he answered simply.

Meyer has no idea how to write a romance. Corny gestures and grand statements are fine in a certain context, but Meyer keeps piling grandiose gesture on top of grandiose gesture as if that somehow adds up to true love. It does not. Simply throwing in grand declarations without actually SHOWING any love only robs the words of all meaning.

In another story, one that takes the time to establish and develop a romance rather than just telling the audience that it's there, the words "you are my life now" could be very profound and emotionally moving. Here it sounds cheap and contrived. Without any history, any context, they're just words he's saying. There has been no chemistry, no truly romantic moments. Meyer is not expressing her characters' love, she's trying to convince us of the existence of something that has not been demonstrated.

Their conversation is peppered with references to Edward's supposed vampirism, which at this point is really starting to get played out. We know that Edward is a sparklepire and Bella is human. I just wish Meyer would actually do something with it rather than cracking jokes. You can practically feel Meyer nudging the audience and winking, then patting herself on the back and saying "aren't I clever?"

Edward decides it's time for Bella to have breakfast, so the two walk down the stairs lovingly holding hands and ... wait, sorry, I was thinking about what an actual couple would do. Edward just throws the bitch over his shoulder.

He threw me over his stone shoulder, gently, but with a swiftness that left me breathless. I protested as he carried me easily down the stairs, but he ignored me. He sat me right up on a chair.

Mind you, this is not the first time he's done this. This is not how you treat a girl that you love, it's how you treat a whining child that refuses to eat her vegetables and runs from the table. It isn't romantic, it's degrading! (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

What really bothers me is how Bella just accepts Edward treating her like a child. Sure she protests while he's doing it, but she doesn't make an issue out of it. Like in the parking lot scene, when Edward dragged her to his car and threatened her until she got in, she protested at first then instantly forgot it, thereby giving Edward the green light to control her again. If she had any self-respect she would put her foot down and tell Edward "this is not okay, don't ever do it again." There is absolutely no reason why she shouldn't. Failing to do so only makes Bella a doormat and gives Edward permission to walk all over her.

I don't care if he's an all-powerful fairy. If he crosses the line he should be called out on it. Being a sparkling fairy with superpowers is not an all-purpose pass to excuse his abusive behavior.

By the way, I decided I'm going to stop referring to Edward and Co as vampires. I'd habitually used that word in previous entries of this blog, but it is inaccurate and misleading. Edward is not a vampire. The Cullens are not vampires. There are no vampires in the Twilight series. They bear a closer resemblance to fairies, so I will call them fairies from now on.

Anyway, Edward wants Bella to meet his family and she's worried that they might not like her. Alice may or may not have had a vision of Bella. Turns out they'd been placing bets on when Edward would take Bella to meet them.

"... though why anyone would bet against Alice, I can't imagine.

Wasn't it Edward who said that Alice's powers are not 100% accurate? The future is subjective, remember? Things change, remember? Alice could very well be wrong about, well, anything. If Edward is implying that her powers are totally accurate, then way to screw continuity ... again. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward changes the subject to Bella's cereal when she asks about it. He wants to know if it's any good.

"Well, it's no irritable grizzly ...,"

Okay, this has been bothering me for quite some time. I'd actually meant to bring this up sooner, but either the opportunity never arose or I was so busy bitching about something else that I forgot to add it in. I'll point this out as clearly as possible.

THERE ARE NO GRIZZLY BEARS ON THE OLYMPIC PENNINSULA!

Black bears, yes, but no grizzlies. You have to go way up north in order to find grizzlies. Just wanted to point that out.

Edward turns into a statue again. He does this so often that I'm starting to wonder if he's part gargoyle. Before I can get too annoyed by this Edward actually says something that I completely agree with. He wants Bella to introduce him to her father. Bella tries to dodge the issue, but Edward is not letting it slide this time.

"Isn't that customary?" he asked innocently.
"I don't know," I admitted. My dating history gave me few reference points.

Either Bella is lying or she's even more naive than I thought. Has she never had friends? Has she never watched TV? Read books? Everyone who goes outside knows that traditionally the new boy is expected to meet the folks eventually. It's practically a sociological cliche. Unless she's lived a VERY sheltered life, she should know this by default. (+1 Stupidity)

Not that any normal rules of dating applied here.

Why not? I don't see what the problem is. Fairy or not, he's a boy that is interested in her and is asking to meet her father. It seems pretty straightforward to me.

"That's not necessary, you know. I don't expect you to ... I mean, you don't have to pretend for me."
His smile was patient. "I'm not pretending.

Good Lord, what is with this girl that she automatically assumes that Edward couldn't possibly be interested in meeting her father? That he has to PRETEND for her sake? Has she no respect for the man? (+1 Bitch)

Every part of my body feels sick at once when I say this, but I li ... I liiii ... *deep breath* ... I ... like ... Edward's response here. It's the first thing he's said in this entire book so far that I actually thought was sweet. It's the first expression of caring that I think actually works.

It works because Meyer is not trying so hard. It works because it's simple, honest, and doesn't call attention to itself. I don't think Meyer was even trying to be romantic at the time, and that makes it work more. It's a simple statement, but it says more than all the lion-and-lambs and you-are-my-life-nows that preceded it. It's the context, as much as the words themselves, that make them ring true. Edward states that his desire to meet her father, to be integrated into her family in that way, is no act. That shows commitment, a willingness to put himself out there and declare himself as being a part of her life.

As you can see, Edward has just expressed a lot without the need to explain it outright. That is the kind of thing this book needs more of. This is what you'd call "subtlety." I'd give Meyer kudos for this if I wasn't convinced that she didn't really mean it that way, and that I'm just putting more thought into this than she ever did. After all, if Meyer really was capable of intentionally writing something like this we'd have seen a lot more of it before now. Still, it serves as a tiny glimpse of what this book could have been if its author were more competent.

Moving along, we get this little insight into how Bella thinks of their "relationship" (sarcasm).

"Are you going to tell Charlie I'm your boyfriend or not?" he demanded.
"Is that what you are?" I suppressed my internal cringe at the thought of Edward and Charlie and the word boyfriend in the same room at the same time.

Two things are revealed by this. The obvious thing is that Bella is mortified at the idea of her father even knowing about Edward, much less introducing Edward to him as her boyfriend. The reason for this is not explained or even hinted at, and so far has not been given any development. It feels as if Meyer is having Bella act like this simply because she's a teenage girl and is thus obligated to hate her father. Wouldn't want to rock the boat and actually write a father-daughter relationship with ... *gasp* ... DEPTH! Why have real emotions and complicated issues? That would just get in the way of more descriptions of Edward's physical appearance. I'm sure there's some part of him that hasn't been described a hundred times already.

The second thing revealed here is that Bella doesn't really consider Edward to be her boyfriend, or, at the very least, it hadn't occurred to her to think of him on those terms. She had to ASK Edward if that's what he is. This is all kinds of messed up when you really think about it. Almost immediately after meeting Edward just a couple of times she'd already been professing her "unconditional and irrevocable" love for him, and has made a LOT of grand statements as to her supposed love for Sparkledouche. Yet she hesitates to think of him as her boyfriend?

Considering how later in the series Bella will resist the idea of marrying Edward, who would have to resort to dangling the promise of Sparklepire immortality in front of her to get her to consent, and this part has a whole new meaning. What was it that Bella DID want from Edward, aside from being made into a fairy like him?

Kind of puts things in perspective, doesn't it? She wants him to fuck her, but she doesn't necessarily want to be involved with him in any way that extends beyond the purely physical. It's not his personality she's constantly praising, after all. This is also evidenced by how she resisted engaging Edward in a discussion that was aimed at getting to know each other a little better. This directly contradicts the very nature of this story, which is supposedly about true love. I've yet to see a definition of true love that includes "just want to fuck" as part of the description.

Bella doesn't want a boyfriend or a husband, she wants a friend with benefits. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but Meyer, and much of the fanbase, seem to confuse that with true love.

Meyer sneaks in another reference to Edward's fairydom that she imagines to be clever, and then we get a line which totally undermines what little praise I've given Meyer in this chapter.

"But he will need some explanation for why I'm around here so much. I don't want Chief Swan getting a restraining order put on me."

Yep, Edward states his real reason for wanting to be introduced to Charlie, and a desire to be a part of Bella's life via her family is not it. So much for my optimistic interpretation of his earlier statement. This is also yet another missed opportunity, as this would be the perfect time to explore Bella's relationship with her father and why she thinks so little of him. You know, that little thing we like to call "character development"?

It's telling that we've gone through more than half of the book and I still have no idea who these people are. All we have after the halfway mark is that Bella thinks Edward is pretty and Edward thinks Bella is hot. That's it. We don't even have the pretense of conflict via Edward's blood thirst because it's been established that he can simply will himself not to act on it. It constantly amazes me that trees were sacrificed to print this drivel. It takes a special kind of incompetence to fill a book with so many words and still manage to say nothing!

Edward decides it's creepy-touchy time. This has actually been bothering me for a while. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about the way Meyer describes Edward touching Bella in this book just creeps me the hell out. I imagine if I got a similar feeling from someone I met, I wouldn't drink anything offered to me for fear of being date raped.

He walked slowly around the table, and, pausing a few feet away, he reached out to touch his fingertips to my cheek. His expression was unfathomable.

This reminds me of something I read in the book, How Not to Write a Novel. There is a section titled "Words fail me: where the author stops short of communication", where they discuss how some writers lack the ability to actually describe a thing and instead resort to generalized words, such as Meyer's use of the word "unfathomable" in place of an actual description of Edward's expression and whatever mood it is conveying.

The book describes the problem thusly.

It is the equivalent of showing slides of your visit to Machu Picchu, in which you stand in the foreground of each shot, smiling and gesturing at Machu Picchu but also blocking Machu Picchu from view. Your reader is thinking, "What the hell is that behind him? It looks like it might be Machu Picchu. Or maybe a McDonalds.

I'm quite sure that, for Meyer, saying Edward's expression was "unfathomable" had a lot of feeling for her, but I am not her; so she has to convey those feelings to me, the reader, in a way that I can comprehend without the need for the two of us to swap brains.

... Good God, I just freaked myself out at the thought of swapping brains with that woman. Ugh!

Moving on.

"Does that make you sad?" I asked
He didn't answer. He stared into my eyes for an immeasurable period of time.

*sigh* Scroll up and reread my previous rant.

The use of the word "immeasurable" makes no sense in this context. She probably meant that she became so lost in his eyes that she lost track of time, or something like that, but saying he stared for an "immeasurable" period of time is just plain wrong. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Edward tells Bella to get dressed and she magically appears in her bedroom picking out clothes. No transition, just "get dressed" and "I'm picking out clothes." A little surprising. Given Meyer's tendency to linger on the most insignificant details, I thought Bella going from one room to the next would take up a whole paragraph. Bella refers to Edward in the narration as her "vampire sweetheart" and then we get this interesting insight.

It was a relief to think the word to myself. I knew I shied away from it intentionally.

I'm not sure which word Meyer is referring to here. Is it the word "vampire" or "sweetheart" she'd been shying from? The former makes sense, as Meyer had been tiptoeing around the word. She has used the word vampire before, but in general she treats it in a way similar to how a mildly homophobic person trying to be tolerant would treat the word "gay" around his best friend he'd just learned was homosexual. He may awkwardly allude to his friend's homosexuality ("I thought you people were ... uh ... fashionable or something.") but stop just short of using the actual word for fear of being offensive. Meyer's handling of the subject of Edward's fairydom reeks of a similar awkwardness, as if the author herself is very uncomfortable addressing it directly.

If it's the latter then this would be a rather interesting look at how Bella views their "relationship" (quotes for sarcasm). If this is the case, then I think this deserves more expansion, as it could result in character development and perhaps even introduce some much needed conflict into the story. By examining why Bella would hesitate to think of Edward as her "sweetheart" we could learn more about her as a person than all the "what's your favorite gemstone" questions in the world could tell us.

But since this is Meyerland, where people don't have personalities and conflict doesn't exist, this observation is forgotten instantly in favor of describing the clothes Bella picked out. Edward comments on how she looks (surprise, he thinks she's hot). He also pecks her on the forehead, which causes her to become woozy so that the room spins. I can almost hear a laugh track playing in the background when I read these scenes.

Then he kisses her on the lips ... and she faints.

She actually fucking faints.

She then accuses Edward of making her faint. (+1 Stupidity)

Really? Is this actually meant to be taken seriously? They talk about the fainting, Edward wondering if he should take Bella out in that condition. He changes his mind after he "measures her expression" *eyeroll* and, as if Edward has suddenly become aware that he's trapped in a stupid book, makes the following observation.

And you're worried, not because you're headed to meet a houseful of vampires [fairies], but because you think those vampires [fairies] won't approve of you, correct?"

Bella agrees, and is surprised at Edward's casual use of the word vampire [fairy]. Um ... why would she be surprised that the guy who's existed as a fairy for the better part of a century is used to using the word that describes what he is?

And then Bella teleports, going instantly from her house to in her truck and exiting the main part of town. You can tell that Meyer is in a big hurry to get to the Cullen's place, so much so that she glosses over details and makes the next paragraph read more like a grocery list than prose. She picks up her usual wordiness when they reach Casa De Cullen, however.

... there were six primordial cedars that shaded an entire acre with their vast sweeps of branches.

Primordial? Seriously?

... making obsolete the deep porch that wrapped around the first story.

Someone really needs to file a restraining order against Meyer on behalf of her thesaurus. Obsolescence refers to a thing going out of style or becoming useless through the changing of the times. Unless those "primordial" cedars were planted after the house was built they could not render a porch obsolete. Not only is it the wrong word, it also contradicts what she'd just written! (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

The house was timeless, graceful, and probably a hundred years old.

Wow, a hundred years old? That's absolutely amazing! Nobody lives in a house THAT old. Oh, wait, I do. And my neighbors. And a large portion of the U.S. population. Well, at least Bella is such the studious architect that she can immediately recognize the age of a house just by looking at it. She's so good, in fact, that she can also tell that the doors and windows are part of the original structure (or else perfect restorations).

So, according to Bella the house is 3 stories, white, and "well proportioned" (which tells us nothing), and a hundred years old. She just described any number of houses in the USA. Hell, if my house were rectangular it would match this description. I can tell from Bella's reaction that I'm supposed to be impressed, but I'm finding it hard to share her enthusiasm with a house that is described in such vague terms. Here is where some fine details would really help. What is it about the house that is graceful? What small touches can she point out that gives the place its timeless quality? She doesn't have to pull out the blueprints, just point out a couple of things to differentiate this particular house from others.

How about this, Meyer. Pretend that the house is Edward. No, wait, then she'd spend the rest of the book describing its "perfect" architecture and "angelic" windows. Bella would be chagrined whenever she climbed the front steps and ringing the doorbell would cause her to faint.

Also the house would stalk her.

He took my hand easily, without thinking about it.

Why does she need to point out that Edward doesn't have to stop and think about holding her hand? Aren't they supposed to be "unconditionally and irrevocably" in love? Aren't they a lion and a lamb? Isn't Bella Edward's life now? You'd think that, for two people with such a deep and profound connection, hand holding would be a given. It certainly wouldn't be necessary to point out that he doesn't have to think about it, as if that is somehow out of the ordinary.

You see what I mean? Meyer says one thing about their relationship, and Bella and Edward's actions tell a completely different story. For all of Meyer's aggrandizing, the two barely even know each other. That's not a bad thing, mind you. The problem is that Meyer pretends that their "relationship" is this magical, transcendent thing when in reality it's just two kids (yes, I mean Edward as well; he hasn't shown much more maturity than your average teenager) dealing with their hormones. Again, that is not a bad thing. If Meyer had recognized this and built their relationship up from there, this would have been a better book. Instead she asks us to take her word for it that their relationship is oh so special, telling of their supposed twu wuv rather than actively showing it. That is why she fails as a writer. Your ability to see the much lauded magic of these books is directly proportional to your willingness to swallow Meyer's bullshit without asking for any real proof.

They walk towards the house, Edward rubbing circles into Bella's hand. As I mentioned earlier, something about the way Meyer describes Edward touching Bella seems kind of off to me. Bella, the architect, makes some comments about the construction of the inside of the house, and at last we get some real details about the place.

One thing does jump out at me. Everything is white. The Cullens, the supposed good guys, are all pale (I'm guessing the Cullen family has a "no blacks allowed" policy), which has been pointed out several times as an example of their beauty. Even the house they live in is white. The walls are white, the floor is white, the carpet is white. So far the only confirmed non-white people we've run into have been Jacob and co, who are beast-men, and a dirty-looking rapist (confirmed in Midnight Sun). There seems to be a running theme of white = goodness going on here. A more suspicious person would wonder if Meyer was trying to tell us something, if you know what I mean. Correct me if I'm mistaken here. Maybe there was a non-white character we've met so far that I've simply overlooked (and no, I don't count the movie).

Given that Meyer is obsessed with drilling it into our heads that Edward is perfect in every way, it naturally follows that he's also filthy stinkin' rich, which Bella is happy to point out. So, for those of you following at home, the things about Edward that impresses Bella are his looks and his money. Can't you just feel the twu wuv in the air?

Bella sees Carlisle and Esme and, of course, comes close to wetting the white carpet in her amazement at their pale beauty. Also they dress to match the house. She immediately shows Carlisle much more respect than she shows her own father, and continuing with the white = goodness theme, she compares Esme to Snow White.

Elf Willow (Alice) shows up and gives Bella a hello peck on the cheek, which shocks everyone. You see, Meyer has been describing Carlisle and Esme as being cautious, on guard to control the blood hunger that only seems to show up either when the plot needs a contrivance or Meyer is trying to create false tension. Since nothing is ever done with it and it has been established to be non-threatening, it's presence here adds nothing to the scene.

Also, you'd think that at least Carlisle would have an easier time of it. The guy is a friggen doctor. If he has to put that much effort into greeting one girl, what happens when he sees a patient that is bleeding? Oh, wait, nothing happens. Tyler was bleeding when he and Bella were in the hospital and he barely even noticed him. Oh, I get it, he has trouble with Bella because she's a super special awesome snowflake whose blood smells like flowers. Fucking Mary Sue. (+1 Stupidity)

I was startled to feel Edward stiffen at my side

God dammit, Meyer! The last thing I want to think about is Edward stiffening! *feels sick*

Elf Willow tells Bella that she smells nice, and Bella handles this compliment about as well as you'd expect. Cue the "extreme embarrassment." Jasper shows up and Meyer, of course, doesn't miss this opportunity to comment on his beauty as well. I'll actually give her some credit; she remembered that stuff she'd previously established about Jasper's powers and uses that here, though it is kind of sad that Meyer getting her continuity straight can be considered a noteworthy event. They exchange platitudes and Meyer not so subtly points out that Edward and Carlisle look at each other meaningfully.

Bella looks at the piano and we finally, FINALLY, learn something of substance about one of the other characters: Bella's mother. How funny is it that Renee, who so far has only appeared in this book in one scene, has now officially had more character development than the main characters?

It turns out that Edward plays the piano, having learned in Gary Stu camp. Bella says that of course she should have known he can play because "Edward can do everything, right?" Meyer is not even pretending that Edward is anything other than a Gary Stu, so it surprises me that some Twilight fans get offended at that observation.

At if to further cement this fact, the next bit of dialogue seems to exist for the sole purpose of reinforcing how awesome Edward is supposed to be. It's official: Edward Cullen is now the Wesley Crusher of this book. To illustrate, here is a quote from the page I just linked to.

The main characteristic of The Wesley is that the writers' focus on them is detrimental to the show, not so much that the parts featuring this character necessarily suck more than the rest, but that so much effort is being directed to them that it detracts from the quality of the series as a whole. It's as if the writers think that there's nothing more important than browbeating the viewers into falling in love with this one character. And it never works.

That is Edward ... so ... much!

It gets to the point where you wonder why any of the other characters are even in this book. They all seemingly exist only to point out how awesome Edward is, talking about him constantly. If Edward is not being talked about its usually because either the plot is busy setting up a way to shoehorn in another contrived scene involving Edward, or Meyer is simply too busy giving us flowery descriptions of his physical appearance for the thousandth time.

How can a book devote so much time to a single character and still tell us so little about him? Those few things we DO learn don't even add to his personality, but instead serve only to beat us over the head with how super special awesome he is.

Don't believe me? Let's take a look at Bella's thoughts about the piano and how they relate to Renee and Edward respectively.

She wasn't really good--she only played for herself on our secondhand upright--but I loved to watch her play. She was happy, absorbed--she seemed like a new, mysterious being to me then, someone outside the "mom" persona I took for granted.

Here we actually LEARN something about Renee, and Bella's relationship with her. Here you actually get a sense of the bond that exists between the two characters. This paragraph gives us some real insight into them. I now know something about Renee that goes beyond a mere bullet-point fact. By describing how she reacts to playing the piano, we've had a small glimpse into her soul.

And now Edward.

"No," she laughed. Edward didn't tell you he was musical?"
"No," I glared at his suddenly innocent expression with narrowed eyes. "I should have known, I guess."
Esme raised her delicate eyebrows in confusion.
"Edward can do everything, right?" I explained.

Here the piano serves no purpose. It's just another item on the list of things that makes Edward awesome. It contributes nothing to his character and is only there to impress the reader. That is why the piano counts as character development for Renee and not for Edward. With Renee it explores her personality, her passion, and the time she'd spent with her daughter. With Edward it's just a fact. This blog is written in English and Edward plays the piano. Those two observations carry the same weight.

"Well, play for her," Esme encouraged.
"You just said showing off was rude," he objected.
"There are exceptions to every rule," she replied.

This only strengthens my argument. With Renee, playing the piano for Bella was a moment of bonding. With Edward it's just "showing off." Edward plays something on the piano and, of course, Edward is the best damn piano player around.

... the room was filled with a composition so complex, so luxuriant, it was impossible to believe only one set of hands played.

Also, as if Meyer thinks that she's perhaps being too subtle, we get this.

I felt my chin drop, my mouth open in astonishment, and I heard low chuckles behind me at my reaction.

I know, I keep going on about the piano thing. It's just that I see so much potential for character development here that is being ignored for the sake of "ooh, look at how awesome Edward is! He can play an instrument!" Something that could add depth and soul to Edward is reduced to a meaningless fact.

This just serves to remind us of how shallow this book is, where the closest one gets to (intentional) character development is "what's your favorite color?" Even THAT is just more Edward body worship, as Bella's answer to that question was basically whatever color Edward's eyes happen to be at the time. Even Sideshow Bob wasn't that obsessed with a single person, and he wanted to murder Bart for ruining his life. Even he said "you know, I DO have a life outside of you."

Meyer seems to think this might be a little too subtle, so she has Edward look up and wink, as if this is the most awesome thing in the history of awesome. You know what? I'm going to forget about the piano before I am compelled to kill again.

As if we hadn't gotten enough infodumping last chapter, it's Rosalie exposition time! Oh goody. Now I know what you're thinking. Since Rosalie is close by we might get to see Bella interact with her and see some of her personality. If you honestly believe that, you've clearly forgotten which book you're reading. No, Edward exposits about her to Bella. Turns out Rosalie is angsty about being a fairy and she's jealous of Bella.

"Rosalie is jealous of me?" I asked incredulously. I tried to imagine a universe in which someone as breathtaking as Rosalie would have any possible reason to feel jealous of someone like me.

Because physical attractiveness is the only thing that matters in Bella's mind. Attractive people have absolutely no problems and it is impossible that anyone who is less attractive could possibly have something she doesn't. Ugh, this book makes me sick!

He talks some more about the other characters, explaining their reactions and what they think about Bella. This is simply inexcusable. The people he's talking about are IN THE SAME FUCKING HOUSE! Would it KILL Meyer to actually show us these things rather than telling? There is no reason or excuse for an infodump here. This is lazy writing!

I would add a "bad writing" count to this blog, but that would not only mean going over my old entries and retroactively adding points, it would also result in a count that is higher than the stupidity count!

I mean, Good Lord, isn't this chapter called "the Cullens"? Isn't this supposed to be about meeting Edward's family? They didn't even get to do anything! It's just: "Good to see you, Bella. Oh, here's a piano. Edward is awesome at the piano, aren't you Edward? Edward is so amazing. Why don't you play for her, Edward? Oh, do show off Edward. We'll be going now because the awesomeness of Edward is so absolute that we're no longer needed in this scene. EDWARD!"

YOU SPOONY BARD!

Edward has news for Bella.

"I have to, because I'm going to be a little ... overbearingly protective over the next few days--or weeks--and I wouldn't want you to think I'm naturally a tyrant."

So ... he'll pretty much be the same as usual.

Turns out Elf Willow used her vaguely established plot device powers to predict the arrival of other fairies, of the variety that actually eat people. Naturally, Edward concludes that he has to stalk Bella even more in order to keep her safe.

Um, question. Forks has a population of a few thousand, yes? And Edward said the other fairies probably won't even go into town at all. So ... why not just ask Bella not to leave town for the next few days? Is he really afraid that they'll magically zero in on Bella specifically, even though they don't even know who she is, out of thousands of people, from the outskirts of town, simply because she's just that special?

Oh, who am I kidding? This is Meyer we're talking about. Bella's Mary Sue status will ensure that any danger naturally homes in on her specifically, no matter how little sense it makes. (+1 Stupidity)

Meyer tosses in the obligatory "my vampires are different" lines that every modern writer is obligated by law to include in any story that has anything even remotely to do with vampires. Her fairies don't sleep in coffins! Oh, how original! A side note: I find it funny how so many writers try to make vampires different from the myths to the point where "my vampires are different" has itself become a cliche. At this point writing a story featuring vanilla vampires pulled straight from lore would actually be a refreshing change. This has nothing to do with anything, I'm just rambling because I'm bored.

Bella sheds tears. Edward tastes them. HE TASTES HER FUCKING TEARS! Am I the only one who sees how creepy this guy is? Why do people think this is normal/romantic behavior? I feel like I'm the only sane guy in the room! (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

Edward gives Bella a tour of the house ... which consists of one line of dialogue.

"Rosalie and Emmett's room ... Carlisle's office ... Alice's room ..." He gestured as he led me past the doors.

That's it. That's the tour. I'll say it again: LAZY WRITING!

They stop at a cross (SYMBOLISM!) and Edward explains Carlisle's backstory and--

No. NO. That's it. I've had it. I'VE FUCKING HAD IT! No more pointless backstory. No more explaining the other characters rather than actually talking to them. I'm skipping this part. For my own sanity I'm no longer going to pay attention to character backstory unless it is either relevant or it's coming from interactions with the characters themselves.

Thankfully, mercifully, the chapter ends here.

So, what did we get from this chapter? A whole lot of nothing and another infodump. Bella briefly meets the Cullen family, but they don't stick around long enough to do anything. They just leave so that Edward can hog all the screen time and give exposition.

God this book sucks!

Oh, and by the way, I'm officially back now. I know it's been a long time, what with the personal issues cropping up, but I got my groove back and now that we're at the home stretch I just want to get this godawful thing out of the way so I can FINALLY delete this book from my Kindle and pretend it doesn't exist.

I need a drink.

Final Tally:

+6 Stupidity
+3 Thesaurus Rape
+3 Bad Boyfriend
+1 Wangst
+1 Bitch

Twilight - Chapter Fifteen (April Fool's Edition)

2011-04-01T05:36:00.003-04:00

In which we finally meet the Cullens.

This chapter is titled "The Cullens", and I assume this means we finally get to meet Edward's much talked about (and talked about, and talked about ...) family. Personally, I'm actually interested in getting some face time with the rest of the Cullen clan. It's about time the other characters actually got some decent screen time in this book.

The chapter begins with Bella waking up and literally throwing herself on Edward when she discovers that he had stayed the night. Here you really get a sense of the love that exists between them. I couldn't help but smile and go "aww" at how positively adorable Bella's reaction is.

Edward tells Bella that Charlie had disabled her truck to prevent her from sneaking out.

"... I have to admit I was disappointed. Is that really all it would take to stop you, if you were determined to go?"

That was awfully mean of Charlie, and I'm sure Edward would never do something like that.

"You're not usually this confused in the morning," he noted.

Aww. Isn't it sweet how he's always there for her when she's asleep? :)

She skips to the bathroom and we get a totally necessary scene in which we get to see her wash her face. Bella notices that Edward's clothes and hair are different and pouts because he'd left to change his clothes the previous night. It really strikes me how much she loves him, feeling the incredible pain of being separated from her precious even for an instant.

Here I have to note Meyer's excellent use of language. When talking about a love as deep and true as that between Bella and Edward, ordinary words just don't suffice. Indeed, there isn't really any words in the English language that can accurately describe their love. Even so, Meyer perseveres and somehow manages to find just the right words to describe the incredible chemistry of her main characters to us. Case in point.

"You are my life now," he answered simply.

Best line ever! Meyer really is a poet. :)

Their conversation is peppered with joking references to Edward's vampirism. No matter how many times these jokes are made I can never get enough of them. It's funny because he's a vampire!

Edward decides it's time for Bella to have breakfast.

He threw me over his stone shoulder, gently, but with a swiftness that left me breathless. I protested as he carried me easily down the stairs, but he ignored me. He sat me right up on a chair.

Hehe, isn't that cute? You just gotta love Edward! He knows when to be a man and take charge!

Edward wants Bella to meet his family and she's worried that they might not like her. Alice may or may not have had a vision of Bella. Turns out they'd been placing bets on when Edward would take Bella to meet them. Edward changes the subject to Bella's cereal when she asks about it. He wants to know if it's any good.

"Well, it's no irritable grizzly ...,"

Are there grizzly bears in the Olympic Peninsula? I'm pretty sure there aren't, but that doesn't matter. Bella and Edward are just so adorable together!

Edward wants Bella to introduce him to her father. Bella tries to dodge the issue, but Edward is not letting it slide this time.

"Are you going to tell Charlie I'm your boyfriend or not?" he demanded.
"Is that what you are?" I suppressed my internal cringe at the thought of Edward and Charlie and the word boyfriend in the same room at the same time.

It is just so sad that Bella has to shoulder this kind of pressure. I mean, she has to put up with her overbearing father, and now that she has the most beautiful boy in existence all to herself she might have to tell her dad about him. If I had to deal with that kind of burden, I wouldn't know what to do!

"But he will need some explanation for why I'm around here so much. I don't want Chief Swan getting a restraining order put on me."

He raises a very good point here. It would be kind of awkward if Charlie started questioning why a strange man was sneaking into her bedroom at night.

What should Bella do? I'm practically sweating as I turn these pages. Will she tell Charlie about Edward? Oh, if only there was a way for her to avoid doing that. I mean, sure Charlie has been nothing but a sweetheart to Bella, but Bella doesn't trust him with this, and I implicitly trust her judgment. I mean, when had Bella ever done something stupid?

Edward gently touches Bella, which makes me feel tingly all over. God I wish Edward were touching me right now!

"Does that make you sad?" I asked
He didn't answer. He stared into my eyes for an immeasurable period of time.

Uh ... what was I saying? Sorry, for a moment there I found myself lost in Edward's gorgeous eyes!

Bella refers to Edward in the narration as her "vampire sweetheart" and then we get this interesting insight.

It was a relief to think the word to myself. I knew I shied away from it intentionally.

I weep for her. How can she, a mere mortal, hope to compare to the godly, statuesque Adonis she's somehow managed to snag? Edward is just so gorgeous!

Then he kisses her on the lips ... and she faints.

OMFG SQUEE! HE ACTUALLY KISSED HER!

... I'll be in my bunk.

They talk about the fainting, Edward wondering if he should take Bella out in that condition. He changes his mind and makes the following observation.

And you're worried, not because you're headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won't approve of you, correct?"

LOL! He got here there! Not only is he incredibly handsome, he's also clever! I think I'm in love!

Bella and Edward drive to the Cullen's place, where we are treated to some beautiful description of the grounds surrounding their abode, which contains no misused words at all!

The house was timeless, graceful, and probably a hundred years old.

Naturally, the Cullens live in a beautiful home.

He took my hand easily, without thinking about it.

Aww! That's so sweet! If only everyone could find a love as amazing as this!

They walk towards the house, Edward rubbing circles into Bella's hand. If I close my eyes and focus hard enough, I can almost feel those same circles on my hand. It is the most amazing feeling in the world. God, I'm so jealous of Bella right now!

So Bella sees Carlisle and Esme ,and their pale beauty is positively stunning. She compares Esme to Snow White, which a description that totally jumps off the page!

Alice shows up and gives Bella a hello peck on the cheek. Her personality is so radiant, a masterpiece of character development!

I was startled to feel Edward stiffen at my side

Mmmm. Edward stiffening. Stiffen for me, pale god! STIFFEN FOR ME!

Jasper shows up, looking extremely gorgeous. He's no Edward, but if given the chance I wouldn't hesitate to dock his ship in my open port.

Bella looks at the piano and we learn that her mother used to play. Not that it matters. What DOES matter is that EDWARD PLAYS THE PIANO TOO!

"No," she laughed. Edward didn't tell you he was musical?"
"No," I glared at his suddenly innocent expression with narrowed eyes. "I should have known, I guess."
Esme raised her delicate eyebrows in confusion.
"Edward can do everything, right?" I explained.

That's our Edward, totally amazing at everything!

"Well, play for her," Esme encouraged.
"You just said showing off was rude," he objected.
"There are exceptions to every rule," she replied.

He's actually going to play?

SQUEEEEEEE!!!

... the room was filled with a composition so complex, so luxuriant, it was impossible to believe only one set of hands played.

Some celestial event. No - no words. No words to describe it. Poetry! They should've sent a poet. So beautiful. So beautiful... I had no idea.

I ... I ... AAAAAHHHHH!!!

... I just orgasmed.

Edward, in his voice of pure sex, tells Bella that Rosalie is angsty about being a vampire and that she's jealous of Bella.

"Rosalie is jealous of me?" I asked incredulously. I tried to imagine a universe in which someone as breathtaking as Rosalie would have any possible reason to feel jealous of someone like me.

I know, right? How can someone so physically PERFECT possibly have any problems?

He talks some more about the other characters, explaining their reactions and what they think about Bella. Character development at its finest! Sure, we could have THEM tell us these things, but it's so much better for Edward to tell us. That way we get to hear his sweet, sweet voice!

Edward has news for Bella.

"I have to, because I'm going to be a little ... overbearingly protective over the next few days--or weeks--and I wouldn't want you to think I'm naturally a tyrant."

I don't mind at all, Edward! Dominate me! Rule me! I will fear you, love you, do what you say and you will be my slave!

Bella sheds tears. Edward tastes them. Oh my God, that is so fucking HOT!

Edward gives Bella a tour of the house. They stop at a cross and Edward explains Carlisle's backstory and--

I can't take anymore. This is just too much awesome for me to handle in one sitting. I have to lie down. Yes, lie down and picture Edward's perfect, angelic body while I touch myself.

I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!

I finally understand what I've been missing! It's not about the plot, or the writing, or the logic. It's all about EDWARD! This is the greatest book ever written!

Now I know how LordKat felt when he played Robot Unicorn Attack!

I am Number Four - Summarized.

2011-03-31T02:45:00.005-04:00

For those of you who may be interested in I Am Number Four let me give you the gist of the book.

Hello, I am Number Four, but you can call me John. I'm on the run from evil aliens with absolutely no redeeming qualities who go around destroying worlds for natural resources, and that is SO not meant as a heavy-handed environmental commentary. Marvel at the pure pureness of absolute purity that is my race. We live in harmony with nature, so much that our planet gave us uber cool superpowers! WHY AREN'T YOU AN ENVIRONMENTALIST YET?

Anyway, we have to constantly be on the move lest the evil aliens find me, because even though they utterly obliterated a planet full of superpowered people, nine kids apparently pose a serious threat to them. Also, thanks to the power of plot devices we can only be killed in numerical order. I'm next on the list, so I must be extra careful from now on! Got that? Good. Now forget all about it, because for the next few hundred pages it's not going to matter.

Since it is absolutely necessary for me to be as under the radar as possible, it makes perfect sense that I attend high school. Apparently home schooling doesn't exist in this book. Now we get to meet our high school cliches. Socially awkward geek? Check. Pretty cheerleader? Check (oh, wait, she's an ex-cheerleader. ORIGINALITY FTW!). Angry jock (who, of course, used to date the cheerleader) who is an absolute jerk for seemingly no other reason than because he's a jock? Oh God, is that a check!

Dang, that girl sure is purdy. I think I'll start dating her.

(200 pages later)

Um ... weren't there supposed to be evil aliens or something? Oh well, that probably wasn't important. Oh look, isn't my girlfriend just the most precious thing in the world? I AM IN TEH TWU WUV!

(Several dates later)

Wow! Something interesting happened at last. Henri, my mentor, decided to walk into a trap that was so obvious that we had to lampshade it so it doesn't seem completely ridiculous. We just narrowly escaped the clutches of the evil aliens, who will surely be coming to this area in force now that they're certain that I'm nearby. I guess that means we should leave like we always do. HA HA! What, are you kidding? I have a girlfriend now, so obviously I have to stay and put all of our lives in jeopardy so I can continue kissing her and making googly eyes. TWU WUV FTW!

Oh no! A series of convenient plot contrivances has placed my girlfriend in a burning house! Luckily it just so happens that my body is immune to fire. CONTRIVED PLOT FTW!

Now she knows I'm an alien and the news is onto me. Surely I must leave now, right? Nah, I'm sure it will all blow over. Oh no! My superhuman feats at the house are now public knowledge, and it is now 100% certain that the evil aliens know EXACTLY where to find me! Surely I must leave now, right? Well, I suppose ... after I run to my girlfriend for a goodbye kiss. What are the chances that I'll end up leading them directly to her?

Evil Aliens: Sup!

OH NO! THIS HAS COME COMPLETELY OUT OF NOWHERE!

Wait, you guys show up NOW? The book's almost over! What do you think this is, Spider-Man 3?

Evil Aliens: Yeah, you'd think we'd have a little more impact on the plot than this. Oh well. Prepare to die, hippy!

I hope you enjoy this battle scene, because it is the only decent part of the book.

Oh no, I am in a hopeless situation and am about to die! Yippy, I am conveniently saved at the last second!

Oh no, I am in a hopeless situation and am about to die! Yippy, I am conveniently saved at the last second!

Oh no, I am in a hopeless situation and am about to die! Yippy, I am conveniently saved at the last second!

Oh no, I am in a hopeless situation and am about to die! Yippy, I am conveniently saved at the--wait, am I the only one noticing a pattern here? Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, how much deus ex machina can one book have?

Oh no! Henri is dying for realsies, because since this book has fell off the cliche tree and hit every cliche branch on the way down, we obviously have to have a noble death sequence.

Henri: John ... I am proud of you.

Why? I kind of just got you killed.

Henri: None of this ... *cough* ... was your fault.

Um, actually, all of this is my fault. Literally none of this would be happening if I had just been able to control my hormones.

Henri: Hmmm, hadn't thought about that. Fuck you, John! (dies)

NOOOOOOO!

Oh no, I am in a hopeless situation and am about to die! Yippy, I am conveniently saved at the last second!

Oh, for the love of God! This again?

Now that it's over I have no choice but to leave in order to protect my girlfriend ... a thought that should have occurred to me a LONG time ago, but Henri's death has apparently taught me to stop thinking with my dick.

THE END!

There, I just saved you ten bucks.

Next chapter of Twilight coming soon!

The longest months of my life.

2011-01-17T07:37:00.004-05:00

I had a very long couple of months. For me it's one of those good news, bad news deals, except in this case the bad far outweighs the good.

Bad news first. My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I spent most of my time both taking care of him and coming to grips with the situation. As a result, even when I did have the time to sit down and write, I simply wasn't in the emotional state to get any significant amount of work done.

The good news is that my family has been very supportive. We've had a constant stream of visitors and well-wishers coming in, many of whom were willing to help out in any way they could. Dad recently received his third chemotherapy treatment and is slowly getting stronger (he's getting out of bed more often, at least), which is also good. He had to retire sooner than he'd planned, though, and I think perhaps the loss of his job gets to him sometimes. At least if I were in that position it would get to me.

Even with that, though, the holidays still managed to be quite nice. Seeing my dad surrounded by family and smiling lifted everyone's spirits. We're told that the chances are good that the chemo will send his cancer into remission, and if that's the case it means I'll have my dad around for a few more years yet. Still, there's always that doubt in the back one one's mind.

This is the first time I've been able to really talk about the subject without getting all emotional, so I guess I'm getting used to the situation. I'm back to writing, which comes as a major relief because I need something to take my mind off of things. Well, something aside from video games. I've been playing the Playstation 3 I got for Christmas constantly, my way of trying to escape reality I suppose. If I'm going to sink my time into something, though, I prefer that it be something a little more constructive.

Work continues on my novel and I hope to get back on track with the blog soon. Just wanted to let you guys know I'm still alive.

Anti Spotlight - Let's Watch Twilight.

2010-11-13T02:05:00.006-05:00

The Distressed Watcher, from That Guy with the Glasses, has begun a series of videos in which he watches and mocks Twilight, which he describes as one of the worst movies ever made.

Part One:

Part Two

Part Three:

The Distressed Watcher's Blip page.

Twilight - Chapter Fourteen

2010-10-19T13:11:00.003-04:00

Meyer takes a big steaming infodump all over the audience.

The scene starts with Edward driving. It appears our super special awesome sparklepire is a pro at driving normally as well as insanely fast.

Like so many things, it seemed to be effortless to him. He barely looked at the road, yet the tires never deviated so much as a centimeter from the center of the lane.

Was Bella hanging from the window with measuring tape the whole time? That has to be pretty awkward. That Edward Cullen, is there nothing he can't do absolutely perfectly? I bet on their way home he performed open-heart surgery with only his fingernails, rescued a kitten from a tree, and vanquished the threat of Sauron from Middle Earth, all while still having time to escort old ladies across the street.

Hmmm. I wonder what an average day in the life of Edward Cullen would look like.

What a guy!

He listens to some music. It's oldies, of course, because Eddykins is old fashioned like that. Bella asks him if he likes 50s music. Um ... what style of music produced during the 50s would that be? You can't just say a decade and expect the other person to know exactly what you're talking about. Edward likes 50s music better than 60s music and doesn't really care for 70s music, but he finds 80s music bearable. Can you be any more vague? Would it have been too much work for Meyer to look up some bands and genres in Wikipedia, then listen to some samples so she could at least drop a few names and pretend to have done actual research? I know Meyer has some kind of personal hatred against research, but is using Google really so hard?

Stephanie Meyer, reading your book is like filling in a crossword puzzle, except not as fun. (+1 Stupidity)

"Are you ever going to tell me how old you are?" I asked, tentative, not wanting to upset his buoyant humor.

My first reaction to this was "WTF, buoyant? It floats?" Yeah, I know, it is technically the right word, but still thesaurus rape. Was a sentence like "didn't want to ruin his good mood" not impressive enough for Meyer? Things like this are fairly common with amateur writers, who may feel a compulsion to show off their brilliance by throwing in exotic words and structuring their sentences in impressive-looking ways. It's not impressive, it just makes you look like an idiot. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Luckily his "buoyant humor" is not disturbed and he "remained unclouded." *sigh* This is going to be a long chapter for me, isn't it?

Bella prods him on the subject of his age.

He sighed, and then looked into my eyes, seeming to forget the road completely for a time.

And as he looked he--

OH MY FUCKING GOD WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE! (+1 Stupidity)

I notice that Meyer constantly points out that Edward is looking at the sun. I wonder what that could mean. Could it be ... symbolism?

And then ... my god, what is this? What on Earth is happening here? We're past the halfway point and now we're finally getting ... backstory? Careful, Meyer, much more of this and you might actually have a plot. To summarize, Edward was born in 1901 and was turned in 1918 at age 17 by Carlisle while dying of Spanish Influenza.

My immediate questions are why did he turn an influenza patient and why Edward in particular? Clearly it wasn't out of compassion for suffering people, or else he would have done it on more than one person during the epidemic.

"But Carlisle has always been the most humane, the most compassionate of us ... I don't think you could find his equal throughout all of history."

Dude, I get that he saved your life and all, but come on. No equal throughout ALL of history? Try to have at least a little perspective.

Edward explains a little more about Carlisle.

"He acted from loneliness. That's usually the reason behind the choice."

So let me get this straight. Carlisle turned Edward not out of compassion, but out of loneliness? I'm sorry, but while I can understand the reasoning behind it, that is not an act of compassion. He chose to turn a person into a vampire, cursing him to a life of blood hunger, simply for his own personal gratification.

So he's lonely, and he chooses for his eternal companion ... a 17 year old pretty boy. Um ... Ho Yay?

"I was the first in Carlisle's family, though he found Esme soon after. She fell from a cliff. They brought her straight to the hospital morgue, though, somehow, her heart was still beating."

What the hell? Meyer, how do I put this gently? *cough*

HOSPITALS DO NOT SEND STILL LIVING PATIENTS STRAIGHT TO THE MORGUE, YOU STUPID BITCH! (+1 Stupidity)

So based on what we know so far, how compassionate is Carlisle? He works as a doctor, that's a plus, but that does not make him better than all the other doctors in the world. He uses his vampirism to selectively turn dying people for the sole purpose of making his own family. Nice for the people he turned, though even a dying person may object to being made undead without having any say in the matter. In particular, someone of strong religious leanings may be a bit distressed at becoming a spawn of Satan, even if it did save him from death. In fact, that might even piss the person off more, being denied a chance at Heaven in order to become an unholy creature of the night who will most certainly go to Hell.

The present day finds Carlisle with more money that God and living it up in an estate while working as a small town doctor. Does he donate a portion of his riches to charity? Does he use his accumulated knowledge and experience to do research into new medical advances that may save lives? No? He buys a private island, but he doesn't build schools or hospitals in the developing world.

While I am not saying that Carlisle is a bad person, he is nowhere near the likes of Norman Borlaug. He is certainly NOT the most compassionate person in all of history by any stretch of the imagination.

Carlisle then turned Rosalie specifically to be Edward's girlfriend. Anyone else see a pattern here? Rosalie then found Emmett about to be killed by a bear. Edward makes a big deal about Rosalie carrying Emmett 100 miles to Carlisle to be turned as if it were the most arduous journey of her life. Normally I would find such a thing impressive, but there is one little thing that kind of saps the drama out of Edward's story.

SHE'S A FUCKING SPARKLEPIRE! She is nigh indestructible, has super strength and super speed, and doesn't tire or get fatigued. Boo fucking hoo. Also, why did she move a critically injured body over 100 miles? Why didn't she take him to the nearest hospital, where doctors could at least have a chance to stabilize him? She could have left him in their care and then called Carlisle to have him come to her. This story makes no sense!

Not that Bella is very touched by this story, as she's more concerned with the "unbearable beauty of his eyes." I'm really glad I haven't eaten recently or else I'd have to buy a new keyboard ... again. (+1 Eye Sex)

Edward says that something in Emmett's eyes gave her the strength to persevere. Well, that and her actual super strength. Did I mention the super strength? It's very strong. He describes their relationship a little more, saying that sometimes they live as husband and wife, but not now since they enrolled in high school. I already pointed out how dumb it is that they attend high school.

He laughed. "I suppose we'll have to go to their wedding in a few years, again."

Who exactly are they putting on this show for? They don't have any friends outside of themselves, they're not very involved with the community, and they pretty much keep to themselves. Edward says that Forks was "perfect," but if they wanted to live incognito a small town isn't the best choice. They'd be better off in a major city where it's easy to disappear into the crowd. If they want to be really hardcore there are PLENTY of places in the USA one can disappear into. Small communities where your nearest neighbor is miles away. There are any number of areas they could have chosen where they could do pretty much whatever they wanted and either nobody would give a fuck or there'd be no one around to notice.

Here is a map of the population density of the United States. LOOK AT ALL THAT SPACE! Are you telling me that there is NOWHERE that they can set up a stable residence and maintain their privacy without the need for fake weddings and such? Carlisle put about as much effort into his choice as Meyer did with this whole book (read: none). (+1 Stupidity)

Edward then moves on to Jasper and Alice. Because, you know, having a character explain the back story of every other character is a LOT more interesting than learning about said characters through scenes or having them explain their origins themselves. It's also far better to deluge the readers with background info all at once rather than progressively learn these things about the characters by (gasp!) INTERACTING with them.

Edward is vague on Jasper's background, seeming much more interested in describing Alice.

She sees things--things that might happen, things that are coming. But it's very subjective. The future isn't set in stone. Things change."

That's awfully convenient, don't you think? This way Alice can do no wrong. If she's right she gets the credit, and if she's wrong it's because the future is "subjective." Now that this is established, Meyer can use Alice whenever it's convenient to the plot and no one can possibly question her since Alice's power does not follow any concrete rules. A cheap cop out, you say? Why on Earth would you think that?

He then gives info on the different kind of vampire tribes, and at this point I am getting bored out of my skull. There is a difference between world building and boring the reader with tedious walls of text. This section is as dry and emotionless as an encyclopedia entry.

They finally arrive at Bella's house.

It was very quiet and dark; there was no moon.

I guess you could say it was a ... *wink* ... NEW MOON! HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR!

*slap*

Sorry ...

Edward explains a little more about why they chose to live in Forks.

"Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents? There's a reason why we chose the Olympic Peninsula, one of the most sunless places in the world. It's nice to be able to go outside in the day."

Whoo boy, where do I begin?

For one, the Olympic Peninsula is NOT one of the most sunless places in the world. In the United States, perhaps, but not the world.

One other issue I have is, again, with the sparkling. Meyer bases much of her plot on the idea that vampires, whose skin she likens to diamonds, do not sparkle on cloudy days. She DOES know that diamonds CAN sparkle on cloudy days, right? Technically the meyerpires should be sparking on cloudy or sunny days, as well as when exposed to indoor lighting. I know twihards are tired of hearing criticisms about the sparkling, but it really makes no sense on ANY level. (+1 Stupidity)

Now Edward spells out Alice's back story. UGH! I'm sorry, I am getting really tired of this. While it is okay to give a little bit of back story, this infodump has gone on so long that I feel like I'm listening to a lecture. Apparently Alice is mysterious and doesn't remember her human past. You know what would have been more interesting? Having ALICE reveal these things. Maybe Bella could meet Alice and ask a seemingly innocuous question about her past and get a mystified reaction from Alice, who would then explain her lack of memory. You know, actually SHOW things rather than merely state them.

Apparently Alice's bullshit powers led her to Carlisle and Jasper, who saved her from becoming a "savage." Meaning, she never had to act like a REAL vampire, because she's just that special. Before Edward can reveal that Soylent Green is people, Darth Vader is Luke's father, and Rosebud is the sled, Bella's stomach growls, causing her to feel greatly embarrassed. Apparently getting hungry is cause for embarrassment in Meyerland.

Bella says she wants to stay with Edward and comments about how her voice would betray her "hopeless addiction" to him, as if that is a secret to Edward at this point. Hell, Edward had earlier said that Bella was intoxicated by his presence.

I couldn't picture it, this godlike creature sitting in my father's shabby kitchen chair.

Will you give it a rest already? We get it, Edward is pretty. Just give it a fucking rest! We don't need to be reminded every other paragraph about it. Stephenie Meyer, your readers are not goldfish. They are not going to forget what you described a page ago without constant reminders. You've already established that he's physically attractive, at least to Bella. Now would you kindly establish how beautiful he might be in other ways, or is physical beauty the only type that you equate with love?

Edward gets out of the car and goes to the passenger door ... WITH SPARKLEPIRE SPEED! Actually, the way Bella describes it, it's more like he teleported. It would be really funny if one the sparklepies tripped while running at hyper speed.

Edward opens the house door for Bella. She stops to ask if the door had been left unlocked, and Edward informs her that he used her hidden spare key.

Okay, that's a little odd but I'm sure there's an explanation for how he knew the key was there.

Then Bella notes that he couldn't have known where the key was since she'd never used it in front of him.

Creepiness rising ...

And then Edward admits to spying on her.

WHAT ... THE ... FUCK?

"You spied on me?" But somehow I couldn't infuse my voice with the proper outrage. I was flattered.

...

... ...

... ... ...

... ... ... ... Flattered?

*Stares open-mouthed at the book*

She ... was ... FLATTERED?

Sorry for the ellipses rape, but ... WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS FUCKING GIRL FUCKING THINKING? FLATTERED? FLATTERED? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER?

FUCK!

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

I honestly don't know what to say. This girl is either crazy or extremely stupid. (+1 Stupidity)

He was unrepentant. "What else is there to do at night?"

Um, let's see. ANYTHING ELSE? I'm sure the issue of how to spend one's night hours is such a problem for people everywhere, and we all agree that stalking unsuspecting girls who are much younger than you is the only answer (sarcasm). That he makes light of his actions shows what kind of moral character he has. Stalking a person, spying on her, invading her privacy, watching her without her knowledge or consent, is a JOKE to Edward. A JOKE!

A criminal who feels remorse for his actions at least has some decency in him. His actions are still wrong, and he still deserves whatever punishment he gets, but at least there is some glimmer of hope for that person. A criminal who shows no remorse, who thinks of it as a joke, a game, and would do it again without a second thought, is beyond hope. Beyond redemption. He is a monster.

Edward's attitude is disturbing for exactly that reason. It's not just that he's stalking Bella, it's how he views it. He treats it as if it's no big deal, as if it's his right to break into her house and spy on her. That attitude is more dangerous than the actual stalking, and is a sign that Edward is not entirely sane. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

I let it go for the moment ...

No! That is not something that you just "let go." If she had even a residue of self-respect she would DEMAND to know why he was spying on her and condemn the action.

He was there before me, needing no guide.

Do you know what this says? Edward's intrusions into Bella's house clearly hasn't been limited to her bedroom. He could quite possibly have been all over the place, maybe even going through their things while they were asleep. THIS is the kind of behavior people are praising as romantic? Dear God, people! Rub two of your brain cells together and put a little thought into what's going on here. This man is a sociopath!

I wonder what goes on in Edward's mind when he does this?

Kidding aside, stalking is a serious issue. Anyone who's been through it, or knows someone who's been through it, can tell you how horrible it can be. That stalking is glorified in this book is just plain sick.

Bella takes a moment to describe how "his [Edward's] beauty lit up the kitchen" because he sat down in a chair. Excuse me while I gag. Finally she gets back the issue of the stalking.

"How often?" I asked casually.

I only hope she spoke casually either in an attempt to hide her fear or to avoid angering the potentially homicidal stalker that's sitting in her kitchen. If she's just plain casual, as in okay with it, Bella Swan is officially dead to me.

I still didn't turn around. "How often did you come here?"
"I come here almost every night."
I whirled, stunned. "Why?"

Oh thank goodness, there is hope for this girl yet. For a moment there I actually started thinking that she was completely out of touch with reality. This is the kind of reaction I expect from someone who's just learned that someone has been breaking into her room almost every night.

"You're interesting when you sleep." He spoke matter-of-factly. "You talk."

Fucking hell! Edward Cullen is officially scum. Let's use our imaginations for a moment. Picture yourself sitting in a house, late at night, watching television. You'd been hired to babysit a neighbor's kid. She's asleep, so you're just waiting for the parents to return from their night out.

The phone rings. You pick it up, ready to tell the person on the other end that the Smiths aren't in right now but you can take a message, when you hear these words:

"You're interesting when you sleep. You talk."

The person on the other end also informs you that, yes, he does know what you did last summer.

No matter how you slice it, Edward's words are creepy, disturbing, criminal, and wrong. Not even the almighty "twu wuv" defense can justify breaking into the house of someone he just met to watch her sleep, and, as I observed earlier, possibly even rummage through the rest of the house. He had no right, NO RIGHT, to do that. It's not just Bella's privacy that he's violated; that is Charlie's home. His home had been invaded by a stranger multiple times. He's a cop so I assume something like that would not sit well with him, to say the least.

How would YOU feel if you learned that someone had not only broken into your house, but has been stalking your only daughter; spying on her without her knowledge or consent! Tell me, twi-moms, would you really be okay with that? Would you be perfectly fine with that happening to your children? If your answer is no, then why praise a book that romanticizes such behavior? If your answer is yes, then you are unfit to call yourself a parent.

"No!" I gasped, heat flooding my face all the way to my hairline. I gripped the kitchen counter for support.

Yes, finally! Now do you see what kind of sicko you're dealing with, Bella-Sue? Tell him to leave! Get far, far away from that whackjob!

I knew I talked in my sleep, of course; my mother teased me about it. I hadn't thought it was something I needed to worry about here, though.

*stares blankly*

What?

Am I reading this right? No, it can't be. Not even Bella fucking Swan could possibly be that stupid, that insane. I'm sure the outrage over the stalking is imminent.

His expression shifted instantly to chagrin.

Chagrin?

SHE SAID THE SECRET WORD!

"Are you very angry with me?"
"That depends!" I felt and sounded like I'd had the breath knocked out of me.

That's right, Bella, let him have it! Tell him how big of an asshole he is!

He waited.
"On?" he urged.

Here it comes ...

"On what you heard!" I wailed.

...
... ...
... ... ...

*jaw drops*

What ... the ...

Did she just say, does this mean that ... ERROR: A FATAL EXCEPTION OE HAS OCCURED AT 0137:BFFA21C9. THE CURRENT APPLICATION WILL BE TERMINATED. I AM ERROR. I AM ERROR.

PRESS ANY KEY TO TERMINATE THE CURRENT APPLICATION.

PRESS CTL+ALT+DEL TO RESTART YOUR SNARKER. YOU WILL LOSE ANY UNSAVED SNARK IN ALL APPLICATIONS.

Rebooting ...

... ... ...

Welcome to Twilight Snarker 7. Loading OS.

... ... ...

Restarting Snarker application.

... ... ...

Restoring application to the last restore point.

... ... ...

Reboot complete. Have a nice day.

... ... ...

WHAT THE FUCK!?

I now understand why a picture of Twilight is used on TVTropes as a prime example of Stalking is Love. The quote on the page perfectly illustrates the double standard that seemingly gives Edward a free pass for this kind of disturbing behavior.

A hot girl who follows you around and shows up at your door is a friend. An ugly girl who follows you around and shows up at your door is a stalker. A hot guy who gives you flowers is a romantic. An ugly guy who gives you flowers is a stalker.
— Urban Dictionary on stalkers

It's quite a sad commentary that people will bend over backwards to excuse Edward's illegal and immoral behavior because they're too busy drooling over his ass to really think about what he's doing. A cynical person might conclude that it isn't who you are or what you do, but how you look, that determines right and wrong.

But that's another issue entirely. Bella Swan ... how do I even begin to express my complete and utter disgust at her reaction? She just learned that the guy had broken into her house numerous times, invaded her privacy, stalked her, and watched her as she slept without her knowledge or permission, and her sole concern is that she talks in her sleep? One stupidity point is not enough for this. Two points won't even properly convey how stupid her behavior is; how completely out of touch with reality she is.

This is a first for this blog, folks. Bella has just won the gold medal of stupid. She has broken all barriers of insanity and reached new heights of intellectual sloth. Reason doesn't exist for her. Common sense doesn't apply to her in the slightest. Her stupidity is so enormous that it's a miracle that she hasn't earned a Darwin award a dozen times over by now. For this there can only be one response. Bella Swan has earned triple stupidity points. (+3 Stupidity)

Edward tells Bella not to be upset and fixes her with an emo stare. She is, of course, embarrassed. Bella's emotional range, on any given day, seems to go from bitchy irritation at people being nice to her to total embarrassment at the slightest provocation.

Edward tells Bella some of the stuff he heard her say in her sleep, about how she misses her mother (which, as I pointed out in chapter one, is entirely Bella's fault and was avoidable), about the sound rain makes, and stuff about home. Bella is amazingly articulate when she sleep talks, isn't she? Oh, she also complains about the plant life in her sleep, once again completely reversing her attitude towards plants. At the beginning she despised anything green, going so far as to complain about potted plants. Later she marveled at the beauty of a forest (chapter 6), and now she's back to whining about plants. A little consistency would be nice, Meyer!

Edward also mentions that Bella says his name in her sleep ... a lot. Not that this should come as a surprise for anyone who's managed to survive this book up to this point. I can just imagine Edward sitting there, playing with himself while sniffing Bella's used panties.

Edward: Yeah! Oh, yeah! Say my name, Bella! Say it again. Again. SAY MY NAME, BITCH!

Bella's fath--I mean, Charlie, comes home, which causes Edward to display his latest superpower: teleportation.

Then we both heard the sound of tires on the brick driveway, saw the headlights flash through the front windows, down the hall to us. I stiffened in his arms.
"Should your father know I'm here?" he asked.
"I'm not sure ..." I tried to think through it quickly.
"Another time then ..."
And I was alone
"Edward!" I hissed.
I heard a ghostly chuckle, then nothing else.

Here I picture Bella falling over and hitting her head when Edward teleports away. I'm sorry Eddykins, but you are not batman. It just makes you look like a prick when you do it, especially when you laugh at the girl you just left.

Maybe it isn't teleportation; it could be invisibility. That would explain how his chuckle could be "ghostly," as in resembling the characteristics of ghosts. Did Edward go "wwoOoOo!" or stop to throw his voice so that it sounded like he was in the room with her when he wasn't? Or maybe Meyer meant to say that his chuckle was just incredibly eerie. That's not a very positive description. I mean, seriously, if someone disappeared on me and left behind a "ghostly" chuckle, I'd call a fuckin' priest! (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Anyway, her fath--dammit, I mean Charlie, enters the house.

"Bella?" he called. It had bothered me before; who else would it be? Suddenly he didn't seem so far off base.

You know, Bella words this in a way that tries to make ... Charlie (Ha! I got it this time!) sound like an idiot, which I find hilarious considering the boundless stupidity she just demonstrated. Note how she doesn't even pause to consider what Edward's repeated break-ins might mean to Charlie. The thought doesn't even cross her mind. That stupid, ungrateful, inconsiderate, self-absorbed bitch! (+1 Bitch)

His footsteps sounded so noisy after my day with Edward.

You know, for a someone made of stone Edward is amazingly lightweight.

He stepped on the heels of his boots to take them off, holding the back of Edward's chair for support.

Edward's chair? If this were any other person I'd assume the words were meant as "the chair Edward had sat in," but given Bella/Meyer's track record, it wouldn't at all surprise me if Bella now considers that "Edward's chair," in the possessive sense, merely because he'd sat in it once.

Also Bella's tongue is set on fire by lasagna.

Charlie sat in the chair, and the contrast between him and its former occupant was comical.

Oh no she didn't!

It's bad enough that she disrespects her classmates based on their appearance, but now she's making comparisons between Edward and her father? Disregarding how squicky it is that Bella is comparing her father to someone she wants to have sex with, it also says something about her view of people. Not even family members are deserving of respect if they don't meet her prettiness standards.

"It was a nice day," he agreed. What an understatement, I thought to myself.

A nice day? She considers the day she learned that someone has been stalking her and breaking into her house to be NICE! NICE? UGH!

Charlie surprised me by being observant. "In a hurry?"

Yeah, because she was SOOO subtle about wanting to leave, the way she wolfed down her food. Give the man at least SOME credit! The way Bella talks about her father you'd think he belonged in a program for the mentally challenged.

"You look kinda keyed up," he noted. Why, oh why, did this have to be his night to pay attention.

Oh, I don't know, maybe because he's your FATHER? That's his job, you stuck-up little whore! It's not like this is the first time he's expressed concern for her in this book. He has, and each time she's dismissed and patronized him as if he were a child. Show a little respect for the man who let you into his home and goes out of his way for you. Do you have ANY idea how many young people in America alone would LOVE to be so fortunate?

I'm not saying that he can't get on her nerves--she is a teenager, after all--but she doesn't so much as pay lip service to Charlie's authority as her father. The worst part is that we're meant to sympathize with BELLA. I am truly disgusted by that. I think Bella has been given a free pass for too long. Charlie should put his foot down. He is not one of her classmates that she can simply dismiss. He is her FATHER, and that should mean something! (+1 Bitch)

Even this, however, I would find a lot more understandable if Bella, as a character, had a little more depth. Perhaps if there were some scenes in which the two butt heads, Bella blaming Charlie for separating from her mother and, in effect, no longer feeling beholden to him. That would not only explain her attitude towards Charlie, it would also make for a much more interesting read. But NOOO! That would mean introducing CONFLICT, and we can't have that. No sir! Everything has to be gum drops and rainbows in Meyerland. No conflict, no struggling to come to grips with personal issues or real-life complications. It's all butterflies and sparkles forever and ever!

At least on the surface. When you look a little deeper it becomes clear how fundamentally "off" everything is, almost like a crapsaccharine world. Twilight seems idealistic at first glance, but look any closer and you see the cracks in its facade. The beautiful romance turns out to be a story of neurotic obsession rife with controlling behavior by mentally unstable individuals. In reality it is the stuff police reports are made of. I find this fascinating, in its own way. It's just sad that so many people look at this and view it as the ideal romance.

Moving on. Meyer describes Bella washing the dishes, down to how she places them to dry (why?). Charlie then expresses some fatherly interest in Bella. Knowing Bella, this probably won't end well.

"It's saturday," he mused.
I didn't respond.
"No plans tonight?" he asked suddenly.

How could he have asked that "suddenly" when the question directly follows another related statement? If Meyer deleted the two lines preceding it then it would be a sudden question.

Remember back in chapter six when I said how Meyer has a bad habit of bluntly explaining everything her characters mean, thus robbing them of any personality? We get another example of that.

"None of the boys in town your type, eh?" He was suspicious, but trying to play it cool.

WHY EXPLAIN THAT? Any half-way decent writer can get that point across without the need to flat-out explain it to the readers. It's called subtlety.

"No, none of the boys have caught my eye yet." I was careful not to over-emphasize the word boys in my quest to be truthful with Charlie.

Again, WHY EXPLAIN THAT? Also, is being honest with her father such a chore for her that she has to think of it as a quest? Does she see a giant gold exclamation mark over Charlie's head whenever she talks to him?

Anyway, they go on like that. Bella gets more bitchy as the conversation goes on, sniping at Charlie in the narration after just about everything he says. I especially like this bit.

"See you in the morning, Dad." See you creeping into my room tonight at midnight to check on me.

Aside from the eye-roll inducing cliche, you know what I find really hilarious? Apparently it's bad for her father to check up on her at night, but when Edward BREAKS INTO HER ROOM in order to WATCH HER SLEEP it is ever so romantic! Ugh!

Bella fails her quest to be truthful to her father, because she tricks him into thinking she's going to bed. The first thing she does is open her window and call out to Edward. *facepalm*

It turns out that wasn't necessary because he's already in her bed and then she ...

Wait, what?

He lay, smiling hugely, across my bed, his hands behind his head, his feet dangling off the end, the picture of ease.

He ... he actually ... he just went and ... ERROR: A FATAL EXCEPTION OE HAS OCCURED AT 0137:BFFA21C9. THE CURRENT APPLICATION WILL BE TERMINATED. I AM ERROR. I AM ERROR.

*Minutes later*

WHAT THE FUCK!?

God fucking dammit! What on Earth is WRONG with people if THIS is considered romantic? Newsflash, kiddies: if a guy breaks into your house without your knowledge or consent, then later helps himself to your bed without your permission or knowledge, you should CALL THE POLICE! That kind of behavior is a sign of someone who is possessive, if not downright needy; neurotic, if not completely insane; and unbalanced, if not totally abusive.

You know what worries me, especially when I read comments from twihards about how much they wish Edward were real? I worry that these poor naive people will go looking for this kind of guy in real life. I worry even more that they might actually find one, because in the real world people who exhibit the personality traits displayed by Edward in this book tend to be abusive control freaks. Either that or anti-social users who are perfectly willing to tell these desperate girls what they want to hear and then take advantage of them.

I can already hear the fangirls crying "he did it because he wuvs her!" or "it's just fantasy!" The previous paragraph should illustrate how the latter protest doesn't fly, and as for the former, I wonder if they would be nearly so forgiving with a guy who's overweight and ugly. I'm sorry, but Edward doesn't get to screw the rules because Meyer says he's pretty.

Sparkledouche, this is long overdue! One point is not enough to properly convey my disgust at your complete lack of boundaries. (+2 Bad Boyfriend)

Anyway, Edward picks Bella up as if she were a toddler. I am not kidding. That is actually what's written in the book. He picks her up as if she's a fuckin' toddler. The man treats the girl as if she's a baby. That is not sexist in any way.

"Can I have a minute to be human?" I asked.

Okay, I am seriously getting annoyed by this. Ever since the big non-reveal, Bella and Edward have been using the word "human" back and forth. I found it cute the first time some aspect of Edward was jokingly called human, but now this is really overstaying its welcome. We get it, Edward is a vampire and Bella is a squishy human. Move on already.

Bella rushes off to groom herself. I find it odd that she keeps her toiletries in a bag. That's what you do if you're in a hotel or sleeping over for a few days. If she considered the place her home she'd have left her toothbrush in the bathroom. Meyer describes Bella brushing her teeth and taking a shower.

BRAIN BLEACH NOW PLEASE!

The familiar smell of my shampoo made me feel like I might be the same person I had been this morning.

What does that even mean? Why am I reading this? Why does Meyer make absolutely no effort to write an actual plot or develop her characters, yet pads her book with the kind of stuff most authors gloss over, if not skip entirely? For the love of God, she even describes Bella getting dressed (Holey t-shirt, Batman!).

After Bella showers she goes downstairs to deceive her father again before returning to Edward.

Edward hadn't moved a fraction of an inch, a carving of Adonis perched on my faded quilt.

What is it with this girl and her measuring tape? Comparing Edward to Adonis might actually make sense; it would mean they both have tiny dicks.

This sentence calls to mind a line from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. In one episode Worf falls in love with a klingon woman and describes her for Jadzia, even going so far as to compare her eyes to gemstones. Jadzia, however, is not impressed. She says, "sounds like you're describing a statue. What would you do with a woman like that? Put her up on a pedestal and clean her every week?"

I mention that because it illustrates my attitude towards Bella's frequent descriptions of Edward, and how I am entirely unimpressed by her referring to him as a statue. When I think of romance I don't think of statues. Cold, lifeless, soulless statues. You can admire a statue, but you can't love one. That is one of the major flaws in the supposed romance in this book. Meyer's take on love, much like statues, appears pretty on the surface, but there is absolutely nothing past those surface qualities. It is shallow, shallow, shallow.

Edward asks what the whole song and dance was for, and Bella tells him that Charlie thinks she's sneaking out. Never mind that he hasn't really given any indication of that and this is all speculation on Bella's part, but I'm sure she's absolutely right on this. She's a Mary Sue, after all, and they're always right unless it's convenient for the plot that they be wrong.

Edward decides to make out with Bella Eskimo style, and while he's doing that Bella asks how he's able to touch her with no apparent struggle with his vampire nature. Edward's response is such a gigantic ass pull that it makes me want to blue screen again.

"Mind over matter."

Oh boy, where do I even begin?

Remember practically every other word out of Edward's mouth in previous chapters? Remember his constant warnings of "I'm dangerous, stay away!" he gave Bella while hypocritically stalking her? Remember his speech during the meadow scene about how all-powerful the vampire blood thirst is; that even the strongest vampire in existence could slip at some point?

Yep, that stuff.

All bullshit.

Every word of it.

All that tension Meyer tried to built, all that effort to make Edward seem dangerous (in a sexy way, of course) has just been a waste of time. She ... wasted ... our ... time. We will never have that time back. Our only reward is a plot point that went nowhere. The first half of the fucking book was practically dedicated to this idea of a forbidden love between Bella and a vampire who wants to eat her. It's ON THE BACK COVER for crying out loud!

All gone.

But look on the bright side! This means that Edward no longer has any internal conflict. He can simply will himself not to eat Bella and that's that. Isn't that SO much better than seeing him wrestle with his inner demons and ultimately become a stronger person for it? Character growth is for losers.

No need to worry too much, kiddies. I'm sure this will only last until the next time Edward feels like being emo and whining about how dangerous he is. Nothing will ever actually come of it, but he sure will complain a lot. That's the same thing as character growth, isn't it? One sloppily constructed sentence later, they start staring at each other and Edward wonders what's up.

"Did I do something wrong?"

You stalked her. You broke into her house numerous times. You stalked her. You ignored her wishes. You stalked her. You threatened her back at the parking lot. You stalked her. You condescended her. You stalked her. You put her life in danger for your own personal gratification. You stalked her. You ordered her about and treated her like a child. You stalked her.

I can go on.

Did I mention the stalking?

Oh, he meant what he did wrong recently. *roll eyes*

"No--the opposite. You're driving me crazy," I explained.

I don't think Meyer quite understands what dashes are for. Here's a hint: a dash is NOT a replacement for a comma! Also, would it kill her to use the word "said" once in a while?

Eddykins goes on about how wonderful Bella is. In a dialogue that points out just how big of a Mary Sue Bella is, it turns out that Edward is a total virgin, having never been with a girl before Bella in his 100+ years of life. Ugh! Such a giant fucking Sue!

This brings to mind my favorite quote from Robert Pattinson regarding his portrayal of Edward.

“When you read the book,” says Pattinson, … “it’s like, ‘Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.’ I mean, every line is liked that. He’s the most ridiculous person who’s so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn’t do that. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that’s how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he’s a 108 year-old virgin so he’s obviously got some issues there.” – Robert Pattinson, Empire Magazine 10/2008

I tend to agree with Pattinson on this one. Edward obviously has some major issues here. I have seen fans defend Edward's actions by citing his virginity, how it must have been so horrible for him to live for so long without loving anyone. My response to that is "who's bloody fault is that?"

Seriously, if in a population of billions one cannot get laid in 100 years I do not have pity on that person. Since Edward is supposedly not lacking in the looks department I can only assume that he has either never even tried to find a girl, or his standards are ridiculously high. Given how he so snootily judges everyone around him, his nose held high, I'm inclined to believe that it's his own damn fault.

Us mere mortals often have to learn to compromise when choosing our partners. Aiming for perfection is a surefire way to spend many a lonely night. Love doesn't work with the clear-cut logic of a spreadsheet. Often you end up with something in a partner that you didn't even know you wanted. By compromise I do not necessarily mean "settle for less." I mean being open to something other than what you imagine as perfection. Keep an open mind; you might be surprised at what ends up attracting you to someone.

Either Edward never tried or he judged too harshly. In the former case it's his prerogative and there's no need for any pity; in the latter case it's his own damn fault and I have absolutely no sympathy for him. Oh, wait, I just thought of an even more likely reason why he was alone. HE'S AN OBSESSIVE CONTROL FREAK WHO STALKS PEOPLE!

Not that his attraction to Bella is anything other than shallow. Let's count the reasons why he thinks he's in love with her. Her blood is yummy and ... um ... oh, he also can't read her mind. Anything else? Hmmm ... I guess Edward also thinks Bella is pretty. Notice how Bella's personality doesn't seem to factor in here.

Meyer tries to explain again why Edward no longer has any internal conflict. You see, he was just unsure of himself. He just had to choose not to eat Bella and decide that he was strong enough to resist his blood hunger. Never mind that if it really is that simple, what's stopping everyone from doing it? Hell, smokers have a harder time resisting their cravings than vampires. Am I actually suppose to sympathize with this guy?

I now want nothing more than to find Meyer and beat her over the head with all four books tied together. (+1 Stupidity)

I'd never seen him struggle so hard for words. It was so ... human.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, SHUT THE HELL UP! Edward has ALWAYS acted human. He has never once demonstrated behavior that could qualify as non-human. If he were not acting human he'd be neatly packing Bella's severed body parts and choosing which sections to have for a snack later.

"So there's no possibility now?"
"Mind over matter," he repeated ...

THAT DOES IT, EVERYONE DIES!

I'm just going to speed this up before I smash my keyboard in a blind rage.

Edward whines about how hard his struggle is, contradicting what he said earlier. It seems that Edward's blood thirst is absolutely no problem, except, of course, for when Meyer wants to create false tension.

"Bring on the shackles--I'm your prisoner," But his long hands formed manacles around my wrists as he spoke.

Really, Meyer? That's the image you want to go with? Prisoners and shackles? It is an apt metaphor for how possessive and controlling Edward is, but something tells me that wasn't what you meant. In any case, that line is almost as bad as the "lion and the lamb" thing.

Edward talks about how different it is to be in love than to read about it, and Bella agrees. I couldn't help but laugh when she said that love was more "forceful" than she imagined. Honey, Edward forcing his will on you isn't love.

Edward talks about jealousy, and we now learn the reason why Edward started breaking into Bella's bedroom to watch her sleep. For those of you who thought it was supposed to be some grand romantic overture, think again. Edward only did it because he was jealous of Mike for asking Bella to the dance. That is not romantic. That is petty, childish, and self-serving. That he goes from school boy jealousy to breaking and entering proves that he has no impulse control.

What exactly was the point of that? All Mike did was ASK, and Bella said no, and for that Edward gets angry and breaks into Bella's home? If Bella had said yes then maybe he'd have a reason to be jealous, but even then breaking and entering would still be extreme.

More importantly, if he actually was jealous of Mike, why was there no indication of this in chapter four when he asked her out? Quite the opposite, Edward was AMUSED the whole time. He laughed it up. He wasn't a seething ball of jealous fury, he was chuckling and teasing Bella, even going so far as to trap her truck in the parking lot specifically to give Tyler a chance to ask her out! Then he laughed about it some more.

And why is he jealous of Mike and not, say, Eric or Tyler, both of whom had asked her out that same day? Did Meyer forget those two had been there? Whatever happened to Eric, anyway? Is he still in the book? This plot hole is officially so big that I could bury Meyer in it and use her copious amounts of bullshit to seal her inside so she can never write another god awful book again.

Meyer, get your damn facts straight and at least TRY to be consistent. And no, I don't count routinely sucking as a form of consistency. (+1 Stupidity)

And one for Edward for being a needy, obsessive control freak with no sense of boundaries. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

Edward tells Bella how she'd said his name as she slept, and decided from then that he couldn't stay away from her. Um, sparkledouche, you failed to "stay away" from her the moment you started BREAKING INTO HER HOUSE! He then gets angry and calls Mike vile. Okay, this officially goes beyond mere jealousy. This is possessiveness. The outright hatred of Mike, coupled with breaking into Bella's house, simply because he asked her to a dance (and was rejected) is overkill. I could maybe understand Edward wanting to rub it in Mike's face that he got Bella and not him. Then again, I don't expect such juvenile behavior from a guy who's more than a century old.

The fact that he is so pissed at Mike tells us that, even now, he still views him as a threat. Despite it being perfectly obvious that Bella is psychotically obsessed with Edward, he's still paranoid enough to believe that Mike could steal her away somehow. That, right there, is not healthy. That is a clear sign that Edward is possessive, controlling, and territorial. That is not the kind of guy you want to get involved with.

Also, Edward had been eavesdropping on Bella's talk with Charlie and got angry because Charlie had simply mentioned Mike's name. He then says "of course," as in, "of course I've been eavesdropping on you, Bella," as if that were his right. Arrogant bastard!

So what does all this teach us? Twilight says that if you're having doubts about your relationship its perfectly okay to spy on the other person. Break into that new girlfriend's house, eavesdrop on her conversations, it's good for you! *facepalm*

I'll give Edward a little credit, at least he admits he's being irrational. Admitting something, however, is completely worthless unless one actually does something about it. The one who errs and doesn't realize it is forgivable. The one who knows his error and continues anyway is a fool.

Edward's jealousy is so nonsensical that even Bella calls him out on it. Edward gives a bullshit answer about Bella "awakening the human" in him, which makes absolutely no sense. He had been acting human long before Bella ever arrived in Forks. If not, he wouldn't have bothered attending high school constantly all this time, or drinking animal blood out of some misguided sense of compassion. He clearly identifies with humanity or none of that would really matter to him.

Bella expresses her jealousy of Rosalie. This shows how shallow she is, and how shallow this whole relationship is, because the only criteria being considered is Rosalie's physical appearance.

Edward: You don't understand how insanely jealous I've been. I mean, Mike asked you to the DANCE! The nerve of him! How dare he not realize that you are my property even though I had been doing everything in my power to avoid you at the time?

Bella: You think YOU have it tough? You were supposed to be with Rosalie! Since her physical attractiveness is roughly 100x that of mine, that means her love is that much purer, because love is only about looks.

Edward: Don't worry Bella, there is no competition because you are 10x more attractive to me. Look at how deep I am to pick you over her, even though the only attribute we've discussed has been physical looks and I did just admit that I picked you because I think you're more attractive. TWU WUV FTW!

That is their conversation in a nutshell.

Edward gives a long-winded speech about how special Bella is, which only serves to point out how much of a Mary Sue she is and stroke both Meyer and the audience's egos. Edward wasn't complete in nearly ninety years of life because Bella (and, vicariously, Meyer and the audience) hadn't been born yet. You hear that, guys? You are SO special that the world was an empty, dreary place before you came to grace it with your divine presence. No wonder people like this book; you'd never have to buy toilet paper again with how much it licks your ass. (+1 Purple Prose)

This is pure wish fulfillment on Meyer's part. I'm sure there are plenty of people who'd love to hear someone say something like that to them. Personally I wouldn't, and I think anyone who'd say that to me with a straight face is trying too hard. However there are many that would, and Twilight is telling those people what they want to hear. It is ego masturbation in its basest form.

They go on like that until Charlie comes to check up on her. Edward hides, and when Charlie is gone he gets into bed with her. I guess I shouldn't be surprised by this point. More pointless small talk and Edward comments that Bella smells like lavender or freesia. He calls the scent mouthwatering. Um, I don't know about you, but when I smell flowers the last thing I want to do is eat them.

Bella asks Edward why he doesn't eat humans, and he gives a long-winded speech about rising above his instincts and trying to reclaim his humanity and blah blah blah. This ties into what I said earlier about Edward essentially being human long before Bella arrived. It also says something about the way they think. They laud human values as being superior to vampire ones and hold up humanity as a golden standard to strive for. In essence, they're not really vampires psychologically. Humans are food to vampires, many of whom might not be too thrilled with the idea of emulating their dinner.

Bella asks why vampires have superpowers and Meyer, through Edward, gives us a hand wave about the powers coming from their strongest human traits being amplified when they were turned. Edward, for example, can read minds supposedly because he was a sensitive person before he was turned. While I could argue that there is a HUGE difference between having a sensitive personality and having superpowers, this just points out yet another contradiction in Meyer's story.

Meyer claims that her vampires are based on science and has attempted to give scientific explanations for certain aspects of her abominations, such as why they sparkle, why they're not attracted to vaginal blood, and why Edward was able to impregnate Bella when she had previous said it was impossible. While superpowers from personality traits may work if you're dealing with mystical creatures, Meyer has taken a firm scientific stance here. She has went on record as stating that the reason her sparklepires aren't harmed by the sun is because she thought that would be too mystical ... yet having mind-reading powers because you were a sensitive person somehow is not.

I'm sorry, Meyer, but you can't have it both ways. Either they're scientific or they're mystical. Pick one. Judging from how you seem to have an extremely loose grasp on science to begin with, I suggest the latter. (+1 Stupidity)

Apparently Jasper's superpower is that he can influence the emotions of other people, such as calming an angry crowd. Given what he will later do in New Moon, it seems that his power doesn't work on himself.

At this point I am getting extremely tired of this chapter and am just trying to get through it. This conversation seems to be lasting forever and I am bored out of my skull. Meyer, we don't need a point-by-point description of the other characters. How about actually SHOWING us some of these fantastical powers in context rather than EXPLAINING them.

Now Edward states his creationist leanings as he tries to explain where vampires come from. He states that vampires could have evolved like any other species, which shows how little Meyer understands evolution, but prefers to believe that God made vampires along with humans. After more pointless dialogue Edward gets irritated at not being able to read her mind.

"I'm glad you can't read my thoughts. It's bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking."

And people think this is romantic WHY? At this point I've exhausted my outrage at Edward's criminal behavior, so I'm just going to facepalm at this.

And now the book that supposedly promotes abstinence goes into the topic of Edward and Bella having sex. Excuse me while I chug some brain bleach to remove that horrible image from my head.

Blah blah, it's too dangerous, blah blah, Edward could kill her easily, blah blah, all the same "I'm dangerous, stay away" crap we've been hearing ad nauseum throughout this book. Moving on.

By the way, I'm giving Meyer a thesaurus rape point for her overuse of formal words in the sections I've covered. I'll quote one example for context, but it's one of many.

He seemed to deliberate for a moment.

What 17 year-old girl thinks like that? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

After telling Bella that he thinks she's hot, she finally, FINALLY goes to sleep, thus ending the chapter. Oh, and apparently Edward has the voice of an archangel. I swear, even Harry Potter fanfic writers show more restraint when describing their Mary Sues. Ugh!

I thought I knew what I was getting myself into when I started this blog, but reading this book is like psychological torture. I've done enough research to sort of understand why it's popular, but good Lord, people! Couldn't you guys have picked a better written love story to orgasm over? How can a chapter in which nothing happens be so long? Or did it just feel long to me because it was so boring?

I need a drink.

Final Tally:

+12 Stupidity
+4 Bad Boyfriend
+3 Thesaurus Rape
+2 Bitch
+1 Eye Sex
+1 Purple Prose

Anti Spotlight - Lifetime Special

2010-10-12T08:31:00.004-04:00

This Anti-Spotlight is a little different in that it isn't about Twilight per se.

You see, while working on the next chapter I began to think that Edward reminds me of a character from some movie I'd seen over 10 years ago. I couldn't remember what movie that was, but then it recently came to me. The movie in question is called Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? starring Tori Spelling and Ivan Sergei. Overall it's a mediocre film (your mileage may vary), but what I find interesting is the way it portrays obsessive love, especially when compared to Twilight.

Kevin is basically Edward, but more overt (to put it mildly). Even some of their actions are similar, like how Kevin disables Laurel's car and how he spies on her. The big difference is that in this movie Kevin's actions are not glorified. He's the villain. His obsession over Laurel is meant to be creepy and disturbing. In Twilight, Edward's actions are glorified. Their creepy and/or disturbing undertones are either dismissed by fans or excused because "he only does it because he loves her."

I'd recommend watching it for comparison's sake. I haven't read the book the movie is based on, so I can't give any comments on that. I searched for clips online, but found nothing. I did, however, find the full movie for you to stream. Watch if you're interested, at least until the movie is inevitably taken down due to copyright claims. Aside from the Twilight comparison the movie can be enjoyable in a "so bad it's good" sort of way.

Watch Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?

What I've been up to.

2010-09-16T22:04:00.002-04:00

Dear readers,

Whew, it's been a long couple of months for me. Long, but not unpleasant. A slew of family members (and their kids) visiting over the summer and taking up every available room kept my hands full. That and my dedication to my writing filled my hours so completely that there would have to have been more of them in a day to fit everything I'd been juggling. Things are quiet now, so I'm happy to get back to my other interests, this blog included.

As some of you might know I recently finished writing a book. At the moment I'm waiting until a small printer issue is dealt with (I have a Brother printer that, for some reason, decided it doesn't want to print the color black). I'm looking into getting that old inkjet replaced with a laser printer, but with bills and rent eating up funds that will have to wait at least a couple of weeks.

In the meantime I've been working on a second book (unrelated to the first) and have been making some great progress. My first novel is complete at roughly 120,000 words, and my work in progress has just reached the roughly 50,000 word mark.

Why am I telling you all this? To show that I haven't forgotten the blog. This is a matter of priorities. While I love tearing Twilight a new one, if it becomes a choice between that or family and my own work, family and work will win every time. You have been warned.

That said, I'm already working on the next chapter and expect to have it posted in the near future. Here's a hint: it involves stalking, Bella's reaction to said stalking, and me going apeshit over the stupidity of it all. Seriously, how insane are these people?

Cheers,
The Twilight Snarker

Anti Spotlight: You Are Bella

2010-07-26T06:00:00.001-04:00

View "You Are Bella" Playlist

You know, I sometimes think that one of the most amusing parts of what I do is watching the kind of mental gymnastics diehard fans of Twilight perform to excuse the inconsistencies, plot holes, factual errors, etc. I once brought up one of Meyer's bigger errors, the claim that Esme's island is off the west coast of Brazil.

THE WEST COAST OF BRAZIL!

If mental gymnastics were a sport, the twihard in question would have won a gold medal. Long story short, after arguing back and forth, which mainly consisted of me pointing at the map and shouting "DUH!" and her making more excuses, I said "that's like saying that California is the west coast of New York." To which she said, "yes it is."

If there is a definite reason why I write this blog, at least part of the answer would be to observe how people's minds work. I find it a little fascinating to watch people do double back flips in logic to rationalize things that are completely absurd (insert obligatory religion joke here).

Enter You Are Bella, an in depth examination of the Twilight series that highlights its many flaws and attempts to explain why Twihards cling to it despite the series being so damn awful. The series is titled "You Are Bella" because that is basically the answer in a nutshell.

I recently bumped into this series while looking for creative or informative works by other antis. The mere fact that I'm posting it here obviously means I was impressed. Do take a look at the rest of the series of videos.

Anti Spotlight: Melina vs. Meyer.

2010-07-16T19:16:00.004-04:00

Introducing a new segment called "Anti Spotlight." You see, I was sitting around and wondering what new stuff I could do with the blog when it occurred to me "hey, I'm not the only one dissing Twilight, so why not give some attention to others who've also done good work?" Which is basically a nice way of saying that I'm a lazy bastard who is shamelessly trying to make this blog more interesting by showcasing the work of others. Muahahahaha!

Wait ... I wasn't supposed to actually write that part. Oh well, I'm too lazy to edit. :p

First up is Melina Pendulum, who has quite a bone to pick with Stephenie Meyer due to some comments the woman made in an interview. I picked this one because it's the funniest IMO, but it is by no means the most insightful thing she's posted. Overall I've found her to be an intelligent young woman with interesting opinions on a wide range of subjects. So do take a look at her other videos; not just the ones pertaining to Twilight (though there are quite a few of them and she has a LOT to say on the subject).

Check out Her Youtube Page

Note: Her recent review of The Host is really worth watching.

A Little Game.

2010-07-14T05:43:00.004-04:00

Now for something a little different. We're going to play a game. The name of the game is called "Character Development." Here are the rules.

I am going to name characters and you, the player, are going to describe said characters for me. There will be two groups of characters. Group A will consist of characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and group B will consist of characters from Twilight.

Now here is the most important rule. In your descriptions you are forbidden from describing the characters' physical appearances. This includes body attributes, hair styles, clothing, and the like. You also cannot describe their professions, races, or roles, so answers such as "high school student" or "vampire" are not acceptable. You must describe each character as if you are speaking to someone who has never seen Buffy or read Twilight.

Oh, just so you know, this game is blatantly ripped off from Red Letter Media" and I am using it because it seems highly relevant here.

Let us begin.

Round One: Female Protagonist

Buffy

Bella

Round Two: Male Love Interest

Angel

Edward

Round Three: Werewolf

Oz

Jacob

Round Four: Mystical Friend

Willow

Alice

Round Five: Wise Mentor

Giles

Carlisle

Round Six: Male Mortal

Xander

Mike

Round Seven: Villain

Spike

James

Round Eight: Female Mortal

Cordelia

Jessica

You may answer them all if you feel so inclined, but if that would be too boring, then simply answer whichever ones you please. Try to be as in depth and descriptive as possible. The more descriptive you can get, the stronger the character. That is the point of the game. I look forward to seeing your answers.

The Meadow Scene - Part Two

2010-07-06T01:27:00.008-04:00

Again ... WHY!?

And we're back with part two of this duology of suck. You may be wondering how I escaped the clutches of Candlejack. Turns out he spotted my copy of Twilight and immediately went "get that garbage away from me!" So not only am I back, but so long as I keep a copy of Twilight with me I can say his name without being abducted.

Anyway, we still have plenty of chapter to read, so lets get this over with.

Edward crosses the "too much information" line by explaining exactly how close he'd come to murdering Bella when they first met.

"It took everything I had not to jump you in the middle of that class full of children--"

He's not exactly making a good case for himself here. He openly admits the enormity of his struggle to resist killing Bella. Any sane person would take the ... can this even be called a hint? It's not like any effort is being made to soften or disguise the meaning of his words. He's saying, point blank, that he feels the urge to kill her. What more does any rational, thinking person need to be convinced that perhaps going out with him is a bad idea?

This raises some serious questions as well. If the sparklepires must constantly struggle against their murderous urges in the presence of other people, then why do they attend public school; thus ensuring that each and every day they must be surrounded by the very thing they're trying to resist? It's like hiring an alcoholic to do stock duty in a liquor store. That just screams "disaster waiting to happen." What if it hadn't been Edward who'd been attracted to Bella's blood? What if it had been Jasper, the vamp so green that a paper cut sends him into a rampage? What if Edward simply had a bad day that day and was unprepared to deal with the temptation at that particular moment?

The more I think about it the more absurd this seems. What happens when a kid has an accident and cuts himself? Scrapes his knees in gym? Now that I think about it, has a male vamp ever had a strong urge to drink the blood of a male human in these books, or vice versa? I'm curious about that. If not, then why the hell not? Unless blood drinking is supposed to be an allegory for sex, gender shouldn't matter. But I digress. Drop a comment if you have any thoughts on this.

Getting back on topic, how many girls are walking around on their period at any given day? To be fair, Meyer did give an explanation for menstrual blood, and assuming you accept the "dead blood" explanation (which makes no scientific sense), there are still plenty of opportunities for students to be walking around bloody. Accidents, fights, injuries, all of which can and do happen in high school.

Why send them to school at all? It's not like they NEED the education. Have they not heard of home schooling? That would allow them to live their lives with far less risk to their secrets. "But if Edward didn't go to school, there'd be no book," you might say. Bullshit. A competent writer can get around that with just a little application of effort and imagination. Wait ... that requires that the writer be competent, put actual effort into her work, and have imagination. Yeah, definitely not Meyer.

That Edward insists on stalking Bella, fully aware of just how much danger he's putting her in, makes him a selfish bastard. That he openly admits that selfishness is his motivation for doing this (see part 1 for a direct quote) compounds the offense. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

And one for Bella, for staying even with Edward practically having the words "I want to kill you" painted on his sparkly forehead. (+1 Stupidity.)

You know what's really sad? In the hands of a better writer this situation could truly be compelling. If the characters were more developed (meaning, at all), Bella's attraction for a vampire who wants to drink her blood could work as a dramatic focal point. The reason why it doesn't work in Twilight when similar plots have worked in other stories is because the situations here are contrived. The characters do not behave like people so much as puppets going through the motions and reciting dialog.

This is a case of Meyer cutting corners. She wants so much to get straight to the perfect sparkly romance that having her characters act like actual people would be too hard for her to do. As a consequence she just has them say or do whatever is needed to get straight to the Edward body worship, leaving things like character development and an actual story on the cutting room floor. As a direct consequence of this, Bella and Edward rush into a relationship (and I use the word lightly) even though it makes absolutely no sense. The way it is now, Bella is a moron for essentially dating a man with a predisposition towards murder (namely hers) and Edward is beyond selfish and arrogant for pursuing Bella despite the whole wanting to kill her thing.

I think that the meadow scene should not be happening now. It should happen later, after the characters have undergone some development and after Bella and Edward gain an actual rapport. Right now we have what's supposed to be a significant and highly romantic moment between two people whose sole common link is that they happen to own the same music CD. Call me old fashioned but I prefer a couple to have progressed a little further than that before they begin casually risking death (murder, in Edward's case) and expressing their undying love.

Think of the meadow scene as frosting, and right now you are eating the frosting before the cake has even been baked. In my opinion the meadow scene should take place near the end of the book, or even in book two. The first book should be about establishing the characters and building up Edward and Bella's relationship to the point where the meadow scene actually makes sense. Hell, even the "lion and the lamb" line would work better if it was, maybe, established as some kind of in-joke during the course of their character development.

Whoo boy, do I know how to get off track or what? I blame my stream of consciousness writing style. Let's move on.

Edward scowls at a tree before continuing.

"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. ..."

Strangely echoing my own feelings about Bella, Edward, and Stephanie Meyer.

"The fragrance coming off your skin ... I thought it would make me deranged that first day."

So that means you don't even have to be bleeding for the vampire killing urge to kick in. Bella hadn't been bleeding that day, and Edward describes the scent coming from her skin as what provoked him.

In that case, having the Cullens attend school is even more insane! What was Carlisle thinking? What was ANY of them thinking? Remember: these are not kids. Each of the Cullens is probably old enough to be your grandparent or great grandparent. You'd think one of them might actually THINK FOR HIMSELF and conclude that maybe going to public school isn't such a great idea, given their unique urges, and that it makes about as much sense as hiring a man named Mr. BadTouch to privately tutor your 7 year old. (+1 Stupidity)

"In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone."

Who the hell finds this attractive? I mean, how would YOU react if you were on a date and your partner out and tells you "I've been plotting your death ever since I first met you. I would have gotten you alone, and then ..." What kind of twisted mind finds the very real threat of their own murder to be romantic? So far Edward has done nothing but stalk Bella, exhibit controlling behavior, and think of ways to kill her. It's not even a vampire thing, it's a common sense thing. It may be in a mentally damaged person's nature to strangle the girl he's with until she dies, but that doesn't excuse the act, and any girl who sticks with him knowing about his compulsions is a moron.

But that's besides the point. The real crime here is that nothing is actually DONE with Edward's bloodlust. It's never become an issue so far and it has had no real effect on the plot except for making Edward whine about it and constantly say "I'm dangerous, stay away" while hypocritically following her everywhere she goes. Edward's danger to Bella is not demonstrated. He does not lose control, nor does he undergo any sort of soul searching or character growth in order to reconcile his vampire nature with his attraction to Bella. Edward's bloodlust could have been a great source for genuine conflict, but that potential is ignored in order to make room for more descriptions of Edward's physical appearance.

Speaking of which, Edward's eyes get some more attention here. Apparently they "scorched from under his lashes." The word "scorch" denotes an object being affected by heat, being either destroyed, shriveled, or in some other way altered by heat. It can also denote criticism or sarcasm, like how this blog scorches the shitty Twilight book.

As a metaphor for intense emotions it fails. You don't scorch WITH something (he was filled with burning passion) you are scorched BY something (she was burned by his fiery passion). For this to work his eyes would have to have been scorched by an external stimulus (he was scorched by my frightened response to his creepiness), and even that's pushing it. This is what happens when you let your thesaurus do your writing for you. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

She also described Edward's eyes as "hypnotic and deadly," giving off the definite vibe that we're supposed to find this sexy, because being told by a whiny pale brat the exact method in which he'd planned to murder you is such a turn on. Meyer is trying really hard to give Edward a bad boy image. Oooh, he's so brooding and damaged and even dangerous, but that's okay because of course YOU can heal him. Remember, kiddies, all girls want bad boys.

Edward: You have no idea how close I came to killing you.
Bella: Oh, Edward, tell me more!
Edward: I would have lured you away to someplace private.
Bella: And I would have went!
Edward: I would then have torn open your throat and lapped up the blood. Since Stephenie Meyer didn't give us fangs it's not very easy for us to get at the blood, so it would have been quite messy.
Bella: Yes! Oh yes!
Edward: Then I would have violated your dead body repeatedly until I got bored with it.
Bella: Don't stop!
Edward: I would have then hacked up your remains and burned them to dispose of the evidence.
Bella: AAAAAHHHHH!!!
Edward: Did you ... did you just have one?
Bella: I didn't say stop, Edward! What would you have done with my ashes?
Edward: Uh ... you are WAY more into this than I thought you'd be.
Bella: Threatening my life only makes you more mysterious and sexy!

Edward goes on about how he'd come close to killing her again when they had bumped into each other later, when Edward was trying to get his class schedule changed to avoid Bella. He elaborates on how he'd had to resist the urge to murder not only Bella, but the school faculty member who was also in the room. And people find this romantic BECAUSE?

Deciding that Edward's emo levels are about right, Meyer goes for the melodrama by describing how Edward had chosen to flee the state in order to avoid Bella, and how devastating his departure would have been to his family had he bothered to tell them. This is really starting to sound like a soap opera. Apparently a combination of guilt over upsetting Esme, shame at his cowardice, homesickness, and a downplaying of Bella's temptation made him come back.

You know what's sad? Edward's trip to Alaska is the closest thing this book has to character development so far, but it happened entirely off screen. Stephenie Meyer, you fail at writing.

"I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind ... her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that."

Geez, Jessica just can't catch a break! Now even her very thoughts are being criticized. I'm surprised that Edward doesn't have super hearing, since he seems to have super everything else. Wait a second, he DOES have super hearing. It was mentioned earlier in this chapter. In that case, why read Jessica's mind when he could have just listened to Bella's words directly? Am I missing something here?

And so the stalking begins. He could have just left well enough alone and resolved to resist Bella by avoiding her, but he had to go snooping on her instead. He then goes on about how ZOMG INTERESTING Bella is and how much he wants to read her thoughts. Considering that Bella's thoughts at the time consisted entirely of "I hate Forks; everyone here sucks for being nice to me, I hate Forks; these boys are so annoying for liking me, I hate Forks; it's too cold and too wet. WAAAH! I HATE FORKS!" I don't think Edward would have been impressed with what he'd have found rattling around in that girl's empty head. I'm beginning to think that perhaps Edward CAN read her thoughts; the bitch just don't have much going on upstairs.

Since Edward is determined to recap everything that's already happened, he now moves on to the Tyler's van incident (AKA where the series should have ended). Bella eats all of this up, falling for the "dangerous = sexy" trope. This is supposed to make Bella look selfless, but it really just highlights how stupid and selfish she is. After hearing all of that she is stupid for not being concerned for her own life. Also, it's selfish for her to insist on staying with him knowing how much pain her very presence causes him. Granted he would just keep stalking her, but a true show of selfless compassion would be a willingness to let him go in order to keep him from suffering. Even if that didn't pan out, the mere willingness to let him go for his own sake would be placing the happiness of the one she supposedly loves over her own selfish wants.

Selflessness is another thing that's lacking here. All we ever hear from either Bella or Edward is "me me me." Concern for each other is only given a moment's lip service by Edward and his "warnings" (there aren't sarcasm quotes massive enough for that word) until he basically goes "oh, I'm bored now" and throws that out the window. This story isn't about love as much as it is about instant gratification and wish fulfillment. I suppose that's why it's so popular. It says "you too can have a hot guy fall in love with you instantly, because you're just that special." It takes out all those bothersome things like compatibility, communication, hard work and compromise and promises that you can have your cake and eat it too.

Unfortunately, real love doesn't work that way.

We now move on to the hospital scene. I am simply blown away by this next part. After describing yet again how much he wanted to kill her, Edward describes a fight he had with his family.

"I fought with Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time ... the worst fight we've ever had. Carlisle sided with me, and Alice." He grimaced when he said her name, I couldn't imagine why, "Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay." He shook his head indulgently.

Yes, every now and then I too like to indulge in a bit of head shaking. Also, WHAT THE FUCK?

Aren't the Cullen's supposed to be the righteous and selfless good guys? Isn't it their vow to not eat humans that they believe separates them from monstrous vampires? That we see ANY of them actually advocating the killing of Bella proves how full of shit they are. At least in the case of Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper, they are only good non-people eaters whenever it's convenient for them. Esme is also guilty for giving Edward the green light to do whatever he wants in this situation. I am particularly surprised by Emmett, considering what we just learned about him. He's obviously learned nothing from either Carlisle or those two times he "fell off the wagon."

They say the true test of a person's character and beliefs is how they stand up to adversity. Well, this shows which of the Cullens are actually willing to stick to their guns the moment things get tough.

Edward describes how he eavesdropped on Bella after the hospital incident. He then says that he'd have been better off if he had killed her in public than in the meadow, where there are no witnesses and no one to stop him. That isn't a creepy thing to say at all. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

I was human enough to have to ask. "Why?"

WHAT IS THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

Edward then professes his love for Bella in the hammiest way possible. Trying not to be out hammed (but failing), Bella gives a mercifully shorter declaration of her feelings.

"I'm here ... which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you."

What an idiot.

I frowned. "I'm an idiot."

Indeed you are.

"You are an idiot," he agreed with a laugh.

Then we're all agreed. Bella is an idiot.

Seriously, it's a little too soon to be playing the "I'd die for you" card. When a character reaches a point where she would literally die for the one she loves it is usually after they'd spent a significant amount of time together, endured trial and hardship, got to see each other's flaws and still loved each other; saw each other at their most broken and defeated and gave of themselves to help each other through. It is not something I'd expect to hear from people who only just met, have had barely any real interaction with each other, and are only just now on what could be considered their first date. You could likely count on your hands the number of hours these two have spent in each other's company. A very recent personal conversation involved asking what Bella's favorite color is.

That is why Meyer fails. This entire situation is so improbable that it snaps my suspension of disbelief in half. They have no real reason to be together other than the fact that they're physically attracted to each other. While this is fine for a starting point in a romance story, Twilight doesn't move on from that. What is presented in Twilight instead is a one-dimensional and incredibly shallow view of romance: two attractive people in a scenic location.

That is why I said that the meadow scene shouldn't be happening now; it assumes an intimacy that doesn't exist because the people involved don't even know each other. At this point any intimacy between Bella and Edward exists solely in the mind of the reader with no evidence existing in the actual book. The only way this romance works is if you accept Meyer's words at face value, do no independent thinking, ignore any and all plot holes and inconsistencies, and accept gratuitous descriptions of Edward's physical appearance as a substitute for character development. In other words, it only works if you have faith and don't question it.

Twilight is a romance novel only because Meyer says it is. We only believe there's love because we're told it's there, not because we actually see it. Sure we get significant glances, some touching, and dialog that Meyer assumes to be romantic, but we don't actually see LOVE. At the very most we see lust. This book would make more sense if Bella and Edward simply started fucking like jackrabbits. We're not watching two people in love, we're watching puppets. They are two people with no chemistry who are pretending to be in love because they make each other horny. They are acting the way they do because Meyer says so, not because their actions come naturally to them as people. The word "contrived" doesn't even begin to describe this. The book outright DEMANDS that you don't think, because the writer hasn't put much thought into the story herself.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb ... ,"

What ... the ... fuck?

After hearing a dozen Twilight fans quoting that line I thought that maybe it's one of those things that sounds a lot more awesome in context, but this is just bad. This whole book is bad. For the love of God, showing this tripe to prisoners in order to break their minds would be cruel and unusual punishment.

"What a stupid lamb," I sighed.
"What a sick, masochistic lion."

Can't ... withstand ... STUPIDITY!

Sanity Meter: 34%

Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!

Edward describes himself as masochistic, which proves that Meyer doesn't know what the word means, or does she mean to imply that Edward derives gratification from resisting his vampire urges? If so, then that kind of robs this situation of any of the drama Meyer tries and fails to create. You may be thinking "it's masochism because he stays with Bella even though she causes him pain." No! Masochism is the derivation of pleasure from pain and/or humiliation. For Edward's behavior to be masochistic he'd have to pursue Bella BECAUSE he gets a high off of the emotional pain rather than in spite of it. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella asks Edward what she can do to reduce Edward's desire to murder her.

"I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn't do ..."

Because the constant threat of death is such a great foundation for a relationship. Does anyone else think that the fact that she needs a guide on what not to do in order to avoid ending up lying in a ditch MIGHT be a bad sign?

"But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you."

You can cut your hair so that your neck is always exposed, and be sure to inflict a fresh cut once every hour on the hour. That would be quite helpful.

"Well ..." He contemplated for a moment. "It was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness. ..."

Oh, that perfectly explains why everyone with a uterus is constantly trying to hump Edward. It's because they're REPELLED by him. I was unaware that "repelled" means "incredibly turned on." Can you say "consistency fail"?

Bella comments that she wishes she could control her pulse because its speed may be bothering Edward. Yeah, good luck with that. What follows is a pretty awkward scene to say the least. Edward puts on his "boob inspector" hat as he rests his cheek on Bella's throat, getting quite a view of the twins. He then places his hands on Bella's shoulders and motorboats her. BBBRRRR!!!

Okay, he doesn't actually do that. Would have been funny, though. Edward decides that he likes one boob more than the other and moves his face for a better look. Oh, and he also listens to her heartbeat.

I don't know how long we sat without moving. It could have been hours.

And as those hours passed it became harder and harder for Bella to hold her bladder.

I knew at any moment it could be too much, and my life would end--so quickly that I might not even notice.

Oh, give it a rest already. I've already covered this topic in exhaustive detail, so I'm not going to bother with it now. I do wish, though, that Meyer would be a little more subtle. Show, don't tell. I'd get way more into this vibe of danger she's trying to create if she demonstrated it instead of explaining it over and over and over until my eyes bleed.

"Was that very bad for you?"
"Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. And you?"
"No, it wasn't bad ... for me."

You know, there are male enhancement products out there that can help you improve your performance.

Edward puts Bella's hand on his cheek to show her that ... *GASP* ... heat transfers! Wow, what a revolutionary discovery!

Um, question. If his skin can be warmed by skin-to-skin heat transfer, then how is it that he is constantly cold to the point where lightly touching Bella can give her frostbite (chapter 11)? Meyer is a pro at consistency, isn't she? (+1 Stupidity)

But I barely noticed, for I was touching his face, something I'd dreamed of constantly since the first day I'd seen him.

Lines like these make me consider the option of hiring someone to read this book for me.

Bella caresses Edward. In a paragraph so cheesy there aren't enough Frenchmen in the world to consume it, she described his "perfect" and "flawless" features. Edward opens his mouth, and Bella resists the urge to put her nose to his mouth again. (+1 Eye Sex)

Edward goes emo again and says that Bella can't possibly understand the complexity of his feelings. Neither do I, because these so-called complex feelings are not indicated in the book.

Out of all the stories I've seen or read that involves "good" vampires struggling with their natures, this is the worst. I can sympathize with the likes of, say, Angel, because that story actually SHOWS his plight rather than harping on about it. The common writing advice, "show, don't tell" can be likened to the phrase "actions speak louder than words." Both cases demand that you demonstrate your intentions rather than just talking about them.

That's the case here. Because Edward's situation is talked up so much but never demonstrated, Edward's constant brooding comes off as whining, and his words, however eloquent Meyer may try (and fail) to make them, are nothing but empty posturing. I mentioned this in part one when I compared Edward to Okana, but this is such a big issue that it bears repeating. In short, until I actually SEE this vampire struggle of Edward's outside of pretentious throw-away dialog, my response will continue to be as follows.

More cheesy dialog and Bella imitates Edward with the whole ear-on-chest thing, sans motorboating. Meyer then comments on Edward making the "very human gesture" of putting his arm on Bella. Edward says that he has human instincts, however deeply buried they may be. Considering that Edward has not once demonstrated behavior that could be considered alien, this just falls flat.

Meyer's problem is that she relies a lot on informed attributes. I'm sorry to bring up Okana AGAIN, but the quote from that page just jumps out at me as "this is so Edward Cullen!"

Picard asks Troi for her opinion, and in the most shameless example of Informed Attributes I think I've ever seen, Troi outlines, describes, and explains the entire character of Okona for us. ... How you will feel about this character! Live it, love it, learn it! Okona: The Freshmaker! Keep in mind, none of this will turn out to be true about Okona. At least, not from anything we'll actually see.

That's the last time, I swear! Meyer's use of informed attributes is especially egregious because she seems to be pulling new character attributes out of her ass whenever it's convenient. These are not integral parts of the characters or things that develop over time. No, it's more like "in this chapter Lauren is upset because Bella spends time with the Cullens. Now in this chapter she'll be mad because Tyler's attracted to her. Why? Because it's convenient."

It's a particular wall-banger when certain attributes are brought up when it's convenient and then never mentioned again, like Bella's hemophobia. Remember that? It only came up once as an excuse to have Bella conveniently be in the right place for Edward to ride in on his white horse and rescue the damsel.

There is one part I'm having a little trouble figuring out.

"You have to go."
"I thought you couldn't read my mind."
"It's getting clearer." I could hear a smile in his voice.

If that was meant as a joke, I don't get what the punch line is supposed to be. If this is supposed to be serious, did Meyer just suggest that Edward now has a limited capacity to read Bella's thoughts? Kind of defeats the purpose her being unique because he can't read her thoughts if that's the case.

"Can I show you something?" he asked, sudden excitement flaring in his eyes.

NO! NO NO NO! OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO!

"I'll show you how I travel in the forest."

Oh thank sweet merciful God. I thought he meant his penis.

Edward smiles, which nearly sends Bella into cardiac arrest. Meyer then jokes about him turning into a bat to demonstrate that her vampires are different, as if the sparkling hadn't already made that fact abundantly clear.

"Come on, little coward, climb on my back."

Make sure you're wearing that strap-on dildo I gave you. You're not quite Emmett, but with a little practice you'll do just fine.

Bella comments that though Edward can't hear her thoughts, he can hear her pulse. I wonder how that would work. I mean, if someone's hearing is so acute that he can he a person's pulse from a few paces away, just imagine all the other sounds he can hear. Good Lord, I wouldn't want to live in Manhattan with that ability.

Anyway, Bella is nervous about this idea so Edward calmly assures her that it is safe and gives her some time to act on her own initiative. Oh, I'm sorry, that isn't what he does at all. Nope, he just grabs Bella and slings her onto his back. You will do as Edward commands, you pathetic human creature!

He then starts running WITH SPARKLEPIRE SPEED, in a scene which I suspect is trying to rip off the flying scene from the Superman movie, just replace "flying over a city" with "running through a forest."

He streaked through the dark, thick underbrush of the forest like a bullet ...

So he charged in a straight trajectory until he either hit something or ran out of momentum?

... like a ghost. There was no sound, no evidence that his feet touched the earth.

There wasn't even the sound of the wind rushing through her ears from traveling at high speed? It's also very considerate of Edward to stop his running long enough for Bella to inspect his path for signs of his footfalls.

His breathing never changed, never indicated any effort.

We get it, Edward is super special awesome. Please stop reminding us!

But the trees flew by at deadly speeds, always missing us by inches.

Very safe indeed. Nothing could POSSIBLY go wrong in this situation. Lucky for Bella, Edward also has x-ray vision, which allows him to see obstacles and hazards that would normally be hidden. Also, I do hope that Bella isn't prone to motion sickness.

I was too terrified to close my eyes, though the cool forest air whipped against my face and burned them.

Ah, the rushing air that Bella somehow can't hear.

I felt as if I were stupidly sticking my head out the window of an airplane in flight.

Has Meyer ever flown on an airplane before? Unless she means a small craft that doesn't go very high or very fast, the windows on an airplane don't open, and they don't for a reason. It's a little thing called decompression. The pressurized air would be sucked out of the craft, everything not bolted down would be sucked into the window, including body parts, and many people would be quite unhappy and possibly dead. Why couldn't she have just said "car on the road" instead of "airplane in flight"?

And, for the first time in my life, I felt the dizzy faintness of motion sickness.

Yeah, taking her on this high speed run was a smashing idea, wasn't it?

They reach the truck in minutes, despite them having hiked for hours to reach the meadow. Let's have a look at this. Since Meyer has been vague on the exact times, I'll have to go with an approximation. Let's assume that they'd hiked for 2 hours at least (she said "hours" after all). The average walking speed is roughly 3 miles per hour, so that would mean they'd traveled about 6 miles, give or take. So Edward traveled roughly 6 miles in a few minutes. Again, Meyer is vague, but let's assume that it took Edward 6 minutes. That's one mile per minute, or 60 miles per hour.

I was unaware that among Edward's powers is the ability to transform into a blue hedgehog. Since this is just an approximation I'm not going to hold this against Meyer. My completely bullshit calculations above were just meant to give you an idea of the kinds of speeds it takes to traverse in mere minutes what takes hours of walking. Edward might have been going that fast or faster, considering Bella's motion sickness, the wind burning her eyes, and her sensation of sticking her head out an airplane.

So, yeah, he just took a girl who'd had panic attacks at his driving too fast on a high speed run at speeds rivaling that of cars. Do I even need to point out how reckless and stupid Edward's actions are? It's amazing that Bella didn't get whiplash from the g-forces created from his course corrections to avoid trees and other obstacles, which he'd have to make pretty damn rapidly and suddenly at those speeds.

I'm sure this is all meant to be impressive and Meyer is trying to blow our minds with how perfect Edward is supposed to be, but ... how do I put this ... HE FUCKING SPARKLES! I'm sorry, but there just isn't much more I can say than that. He fucking sparkles.

Anyway, Bella is having some trouble moving due to her shock at what just happened. Smooth move, sparkledouche. Bella expresses a desire to lie down, a clear indication of either discomfort or physical illness from the sudden high speed run. Need I remind you that she'd gotten motion sick along the way. Edward's response? He laughs. That's right, he subjected a human to his super speed power without warning, and the fact that she became sick from the sudden speed amuses him. Isn't he charming? (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

"I guess that wasn't the best idea," he mused.

GEE, YOU THINK? *facepalm*

Despite Edward's blasé treatment of the situation Bella tries to be positive, a clear attempt to spare his feelings. In response, Edward mocks her.

"Hah! You're as white as a ghost--no, you're as white as me!"

Because girls LOVE it when you kick them while they're down. *sigh*

I suppose what really matters is that he's learned that Bella + sparklepire speed = sick Bella, and will think twice before subjecting her to that again. Mistake made, lesson learned.

"I think I should have closed my eyes."
"Remember that next time."
"Next time!" I groaned.
He laughed, his mood still radiant.

You have GOT to be kidding me! You are not making it easy for me to like you, Edward. You are not making it easy at all.

Meyer spends a short paragraph gushing over Edward's physical appearance, followed by Edward bragging about how running at those speeds is so easy he doesn't even have to think about it. Then they kiss, or rather he kisses her and then is surprised when she reciprocates. I just have to shake my head and chuckle at this. Two people in twu wuv, expressing their unconditional and irrevocable love for each other, one expressing a casual willingness to die for the other, and they hadn't even kissed yet.

I gather from the writing that Edward was testing to see if he'd murder her if he got too excited from their kissing. He has no trouble with it, reining in his bloodlust so neatly that we don't even see a hint of it. For something that has been talked up so much as this huge, dangerous thing, it's a surprising non-factor here. From what I see in this book so far, the vampire bloodlust only exists to supply Edward with angst so that Bella and Edward's "relationship" can be made out to be this forbidden and dangerous thing. The problem is that we're not dealing with actual danger, but rather the promise of danger. Again, we are told but not shown.

Edward offers Bella a hand to help her up, which she finds strange, commenting on how she's used to their "careful non-contact." I already described in chapter eleven how ridiculous it is that these two people who are supposedly in twu wuv don't even casually touch each other, so I won't go into that again here. I still find it funny.

More gushing about Edward's appearance, talking about his "seraphic" face and how it would cause her physical pain to be separated from him. Ugh! I think a little bit of my lunch just came up there. (+1 Eye Sex)

They then talk about who is going to drive.

"I can drive better than you on your best day," he teased. "You have much slower reflexes."

God you're such a douche.

"I'm sure that's true, but I don't think my nerves, or my truck, could take it."

A valid point. She's already sick from Edward's impulsive sparkle run, so being subjected to him flagrantly breaking the speed limit would be a bit much at this point. He argues, but she says no.

He raised his eyebrows in disbelief.

How DARE this HOO-MAHN not do exactly what I say? Think about this for a second. Edward fully expects to get exactly what he wants in this "relationship," so much so that Bella saying no to him is a source of disbelief. He literally cannot believe that she told him no. How fucked up is that?

Edward agrees to let Bella rest up a little, then either let her drive when she feels up to it or drive the truck himself with a promise not to go too fast so she doesn't get sick.

Oh, I'm sorry, that's exactly what he DOESN'T do. He just insists on getting his own way, saying that he's not going to let her drive drunk. She asks what he means by that.

"You're intoxicated by my very presence." He was grinning that playful smirk again.

A certain song comes to mind when I read this line.

Also, how do you grin a smirk? What next, will Edward laugh a chuckle?

There was no way around it; I couldn't resist him in anything.

Sentences like these make me want to pull my hair out. I stare at my e-reader, unbelieving, thinking "oh, COME ON! How can people NOT see what is wrong with that sentence?" *sigh*

I don't know what's worse, the fact that Bella is so weak-willed that she can't say no to Edward and stick to her guns, even over something as relatively minor as this, or the fact that THIS is what young girls are trumpeting as one of the greatest romances in recent history. As I have pointed out in previous chapters, namely chapter ten, Bella lets Edward get away with a ton of shit. He belittles her, condescends to her, threatens her (parking lot incident anyone?), ignores her wishes, emotionally manipulates her, stalks her, and breaks into her house without her knowledge (though I'll let that last one slide for now since she doesn't know it yet). Generally he is a brash, reckless jerk who is convinced that HE knows what's best for Bella without any input from her and insists that she WILL do what HE wants whether she likes it or not. All of this while knowing her for all of ... gosh, how long has it been so far? Weeks?

He is a control freak, a manipulator, and a hypocrite. She puts up with all of this, and why? Because he's pretty. Because he is physically attractive he can do no wrong. This behavior is not even restricted to the characters in the book; the fans themselves will defend Edward to the death for similar, if not the same, reasons. What irritates me is when they chime in "he does it for her own good, he loves her, he means well so it's okay."

No. No it is not.

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions, folks. It does not matter if he genuinely means well, though whether or not he does is debatable. If you were locked in a room and told you could never leave, would it matter if the furniture was nice and you were fed well? No. Regardless of the conditions you would still be a prisoner. To use another phrase, a gilded cage is still a cage.

That is exactly what Edward is, a gilded cage. They both look nice and shiny, but they keep you prisoner all the same. Does it matter if you're locked in because your jailer thinks that's what's best for you? No. What I find truly disturbing is how close the "good intentions" argument comes to the testimony of some abused women who actually defend their assailants. "He only hits me because he loves me!" Ugh!

Just like how it is never okay to beat your spouse, even if you're psychotic enough to honestly believe you're doing it for her own good, Edward's behavior cannot be excused merely on the grounds that "he means well." I'd be willing to lay odds that if Edward were ugly he wouldn't get away with nearly as much crap as he does. Just putting that out there.

I just noticed that in part one I kept referencing Star Trek, and now I'm referencing Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I guess my little way of coping with the sheer amount of suck in Twilight is to think of other, better fiction.

I held the key high and dropped it, watching his hand flash like lightning to catch it soundlessly.

Uhhhhh hhahaha hahahahahahahah!!!

Sanity Meter: 12%

Later that day Edward went home to do his math homework. He solved equations with his right hand and wrote names with his left. He took a potato chip ... AND ATE IT!.

Seriously, can Edward do a single thing without Meyer trying to make it sound epic? If this is what happens when he catches keys, I wonder if O Fortuna plays in the background when he enters his ATM code. Now I get what Robert Pattinson meant when he said that Meyer was mad and that reading this book felt voyeuristic. I'm getting this definite sense that I am trapped in an insane woman's wet dream about a fantasy guy who is idealized to such an extent that he literally cannot do the smallest thing without it looking like a scene out of the movie 300. (+1 Stupidity)

"Are you not affected at all?" I asked, irked. "By my presence?"

Hmm, is Edward affected at all by Bella's presence? That's a good question. If only a large chunk of this chapter had been devoted to explaining the answer to that question in drawn-out, overly-dramatic detail. Oh, wait, IT HAS!

And so the chapter ends with an awkward paragraph involving Edward's lips and Bella's jaw line.

Praise the Flying Spaghetti Monster, this chapter is finally over! It's over! I have overcome the meadow scene! Hahaha! aaahahahahaha!!!!! I AM DA MAN!

*sigh*

... I just realized that this book isn't over yet. *cries*

Sanity Meter: 0%

But oh, beamish nephew, beware of the day,
If your Snark be a Boojum! For then
You will softly and suddenly vanish away,
And never be met with again!

Final Tally

+2 Purple Prose
+4 Bad Boyfriend
+4 Thesaurus Rape
+5 Eye Sex
+8 Stupidity

The Meadow Scene - Part One

2010-05-03T00:23:00.006-04:00

WHY!!?? WHY!!?? WHY!!??

Thirteen. An unlucky number. An unholy number. A number so universally dreaded that building architects will purposely omit a thirteenth floor in order to avoid frightening superstitious tenants. How fitting, then, that arguably the most infamous scene of the Twilight series should take place in chapter thirteen. We all knew that it would come to this. I knew it when I started this blog, but it seemed like such a far off thing when I first decided to give that rank amateur, Stephanie Meyer, the verbal beating she deserves.

The scene on which the entire series was based, the very wet dream that first inspired Meyer to raise the romance genre to new heights of mediocrity and butcher the poor vampire in the process. This chapter is the distilled essence of the entire series, and I do not expect to complete this one with my sanity fully intact. Let's move on, then, and get this over with as quickly (if not painlessly) as possible.

Sanity Meter: 100%

The chapter begins with, what else, a description of Edward.

Edward in the sunlight was shocking.

If he were a real vampire, Edward in the sunlight would be burning. If only that were true.

His skin white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip ...

This has been bothering me for a while. Bella constantly describes the Cullens as pale, and here she describes Edward's skin as white. Not Caucasian white, but pale white. Doesn't anyone ever comment on this? I wonder if all those people who turn their heads and stare at Edward are actually stunned by his supposed beauty, as Bella believes, or if they're simply wondering if the guy is either wearing makeup or has a skin condition.

... literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface.

I knew a guy who sparkled once. He wasn't a vampire, he was just gay and liked to wear body glitter.

And so we finally come to this, the moment that began the wussification of the vampires, turning them from mysterious creatures of the night to sparkling pussies who fit better in a Rainbow Brite cartoon than a crypt. Goodbye classic lords of darkness such as Dracula, the underground societies of Vampire: The Masquerade, dashing rogues such as Lestat, tortured heroes such as Angel, and diabolical anti-heroes such as Kain. Make way for this new breed of highly pretentious vampire that sparkles like Tinkerbell and replaces a genuine personality with whining and brooding in a failed attempt to make themselves look "deep."

He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHGGGGGGG!!!

Sanity Meter: 87%

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GARBAGE I AM READING? I'M BLIND! MY EYES BURN! ALL I CAN SEE IS PURPLE! (+1 Purple Prose)

And one more. (+1 Eye Sex)

Meyer really fucks the thesaurus here, throwing in as many synonyms for "sparkling" as possible. Let's look at the two worst offenders, shall we?

His chest is described as incandescent. So Edward's chest is either glowing with a bright light and producing intense heat or is simply "OMG IT HURTS MY EYES!" bright. "Incandescent" relates to a bright, brilliant light, not sparkling. The word isn't even a synonym for "sparkling," so I'm not sure where she got it.(+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Next we have Edward's arms, which are described as scintillating. Wow! Not only is Edward's chest emitting a bright light, his arms are witty as well! (Note: A reader cited an entry in a dictionary I had not consulted that contradicts this point. Therefore, the Thesaurus Rape point has been revoked)

Now and then, his lips would move, so fast it looked like they were trembling. But, when I asked, he told me he was singing to himself; it was too low for me to hear.

There are two ways I can take this. Either he is singing in an extremely low volume, or Edward Cullen is an elephant. Given just how far Meyer is willing to go to make Edward super special awesome, I wouldn't put it past her to say that Edward is producing infrasound. The speed at which his lips move indicate that he is "singing" at a speed that would be incomprehensible to humans. In other words, Meyer is once again hinting, with all the subtlety of an anvil to the face, that Edward is oh so special. He can produce and perceive infrasound, and he can sing really fast! Color me impressed. Wait, did I say impressed? I meant bored. This is just more blah blah, Edward is awesome, blah blah. It's getting really old. (+1 Stupidity)

You know what? I'm going to give Meyer the benefit of the doubt and try to assume that she meant he was singing in a really low volume, which is still dumb since their close proximity would mean that he'd essentially have to be making no sound for it not to be audible.

Bella pulls her finger out of Edward's sparkly ass long enough to spend a paragraph describing the sun and the air, and this reprieve from this literary ejaculation is all too short. Faster than you can say vampire dildo she's back to describing Edward.

The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.

You know what's funny? Back in chapter one Bella said that she was not verbose. Boy did she make a liar out of herself!

What follows has to be one of the most awkward and poorly structured sentences I have ever read.

Hesitantly, always afraid, even now, that he would disappear like a mirage, too beautiful to be real ... hesitantly, I reached out one finger and stroked the back of his shimmering hand, where it lay within my reach.

Suddenly, it appears, even now, that Stephenie Meyer has, for one brief moment ... suddenly, she started sounding like William Shatner.

She goes on like this for the rest of the paragraph, which leaves me to wonder if she was typing this part with one hand ... and I just grossed myself out. DAMN MY IMAGINATION! (+1 Purple Prose)

Edward asks Bella if he scares her. She says no and he smiles.

He smiled wider; his teeth flashed in the sun.

MY EYES! MY EYES!!!

After that she starts tracing her fingers over his "perfect" arm and ... alright, that does it. I am going to count how many times the word "perfect" is used in this chapter.

*Goes back and reads*

I count four so far, and we're only at the beginning of the chapter. This, of course, isn't even counting all the synonyms for "perfect" and the allusions to perfection that she's also used. I don't even want to add all of those up. Damn. The Borg waste their time assimilating entire species in order to find perfection when if they only took Edward Cullen they would be ascended to the level of demi-gods. We get it, Meyer, Edward is perfect. Can we PLEASE move on and have your ZOMG PERFECT little sparklepire actually DO SOMETHING? So far he's just lying there and we're getting pages of exposition out of THAT? (+1 Eye Sex)

DO SOMETHING!

DO SOMETHING!

Edward does something ... sort of. He moves his hand so that it faces palm up, but he does it with super special awesome sparklepire speed! Meyer uses the SUPA KEWL sparklepire effects so often it's like watching a Michael Bay movie. Bella fondles his hand (I am not kidding) and Edward asks what she's thinking.

Blah blah, Bella says she can't believe he's actually real, blah, blah, they talk about how scary he is, blah blah. I'm sorry, but I find it a little hard to find a guy who SPARKLES IN THE SUN to be the least bit intimidating.

Edward sits up ... WITH SPARKLEPIRE SPEED!

More clumsy prose about Edward's angelic face and his mesmerizing eyes. (+1 Eye Sex)

Edward asks what about him scares Bella. This guy is seriously starting to sound like a broken MP3.

Edward: Do I scare you? Are you afraid of me? I'm frightening, you know. Have I asked you within the last ten seconds if I scare you? I lost track.

Eddy, darling, if you ever were threatening that ship sailed the moment you turned into a human disco ball. I don't care how many superpowers you have. You could be kicking my ass this very instant and, rather than fear, the only thing I'd feel is deep, burning shame at being beat up by a care bear.

Also, does this guy get off on girls telling him he scares them? Maybe that's why he resorts to stalking and breaking into houses instead of asking for a date like a normal person. Bella tries to answer his question, but then she smells his breath and spends a paragraph describing how awesome it is. JESUS CHRIST ON A POGO STICK, can we PLEASE move on from describing Edward and get to the actual story?

Sanity Meter: 76%

Edward gets up and walks away ... WITH SPARKLEPIRE SPEED!!! ZOMG OVERUSED!!! He stands in the shade of a tree and strikes an emo pose.

"I'm ... sorry ... Edward," I whispered. I knew he could hear.

I'm sorry that I put my nose all up in your mouth so I could creepily smell your breath. My mommy always tells me to stop doing that. Oh, FYI, I advise you not to fart in my presence.

After "ten incredibly long seconds," sparkledouche goes back to Bella and sits down. Gracefully, of course. He then smiles an apology for being a melodramatic pussy. Can you imagine if Bella described Edward doing something else mundane?

Bella: My heart stopped as I watched Edward gracefully place the toothbrush in his perfect mouth. He stroked with the brush, back and forth, like Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel. His elegant fingers teased the shaft of the brush, and the gentle movement of his cheeks as he brushed his molars made me go short of breath. He gently lowered his head and released a stream of foamy saliva into the sink, white like his perfect skin.

Almost makes you wonder how she'd describe him gargling.

Bella decides that now is the time for some false tension, so she thinks she's in danger for no explained reason. Edward then decides that now is the perfect time to remind the readers of how awesome he is.

"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in--my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I needed any of that!"

EEEW! I'm sorry, but the last thing I want to think about is Edward's inviting smells. Blegh! Also, way to be completely full of yourself, sparkledouche.

Edward shows off his awesomeness by running around the meadow ... WITH SPARKLEPIRE SPEED! "As if you could outrun me," he remarks. He then shows off his super strength by ripping off a tree branch and throwing it at another tree. "As if you could fight me off," he comments. Contradicting everything he's ever told Bella, she tells her not to be afraid ... directly after showing off his superpowers and making veiled threats. Way to set a girl at ease, asshole.

What really bothers me about this book is the wasted potential. There are so many opportunities for genuine conflict that go totally ignored. Take Edward's speech about being the perfect predator, for example. It could have become a major plot point, with Edward questioning whether Bella is truly in love with HIM as a person, or if she's merely infatuated with an illusion. Does Bella really see him for who he is, or has his perfect trap merely ensnared another prey?

The doubt he'd feel could have been a great source of character development, as Edward questions where he ends and the "perfect predator" begins. Instead we just get Edward showing off superpowers and Meyer trying to pass off brooding and whining as character growth.

Anyway, Edward sits back down--sinuously, of course--and apologizes for being disturbed by Bella sniffing his breath.

Wait ... what?

They go back to the topic of how scary Edward is, but Bella is too busy tracing the lines in Edward's palm with her fingertip to pay attention to the conversation. She describes his palm as iridescent, so apparently his palm is rainbow colored.

So let's add up all of these descriptions. Edward sparkles, his body produces a bright light, his arms are witty, and he displays numerous colors like that of a rainbow. I tried finding something that meets all of these descriptions with Google Image, and this is the closest I could find. Just add sparkles. My apologies to the artist for in any way linking his work with this piece of shit book, which already takes a big enough dump on Native Americans as it is.

Most of the absurdities with Edward's (many) descriptions are a result of Meyer not knowing how to use a god damn dictionary, but those same descriptions highlight a major flaw in Edward's character. It all goes back to the same complaint I've been making this entire time. Meyer is obsessed with painting Edward as this godly, larger-than-life character, but she never has him DO anything worthy of the lofty praise she heaps on him. So far all Edward has done is whine, be emo, threaten Bella, and generally act like a jerk, to say nothing of the stalking. We're not close to the end of the book and Edward has already committed crimes that would land anyone in the real world in jail. To think of his behavior as romantic is simply delusional.

You know, I think I finally figured out who Edward really is. Edward Cullen's real name ... is Okona.

For those of you who don't know, Okona is a character from an episode of Star Trek TNG, unfortunately titled "The Outrageous Okona." In that episode we are told an awful lot about this character. Here's an excerpt from the script.

PICARD
Counselor, can you read him?

TROI
His emotions suggest that he is
mischievous, irreverent and
somewhat brazen.
(beat)
And some other things...
(unsure)
The word that seems to describe
him best is "rogue."

DATA
Rogue? Accessing "rogue."
(kicks in)
Cad, knave, rake, rascal,
scoundrel, villain.

TROI
Yes, all of that, but he shows
no malevolence, or ill will.

Of course we see during the course of the episode that he is, in fact, none of those things. The episode tries its best to make him out to be some badass James Bond character who lives on the edge (Riker even gives an impromptu speech about how awesome he is), but the actual character is little more than a one-dimensional idiot who everyone adores for no apparent reason (sound familiar?). Instead of witty, his dialog is awkward. Instead of charming, his attempts to woo the ladies wouldn't even work on a total amnesiac who needs to be told what a penis is. Instead of funny, his jokes just make a little piece of you die on the inside.

It's the same thing here. Just like how the TNG episode focuses so much on EXPLAINING Okona to us that it forgets to actually have him act the part, Twilight relies so heavily on descriptions of Edward that the character as he's described and as he's portrayed are essentially two different people. It's also important to note that, in both cases, the fault isn't in the character concept. In the hands of a competent writer, both Okona and Edward could have been really good characters. The problem is, well, how do I put this gently ... THE WRITERS ARE FRIGGEN MORONS!

Back to the book. To my complete and utter surprise, Bella seems to acknowledge that she may be a little too into Edward. This causes Edward to crank the emo meter up to eleven and go on about how she shouldn't want him and he should leave and blah blah blah. Then we come to this interesting bit. If you think that I'm judging Edward too harshly, take a look at this:

"I don't want you to leave," I mumbled pathetically, staring down again.
"Which is exactly why I should. But don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."

There! Straight from the asshole's mouth! He outright admits that the only reason he keeps stalking Bella is pure selfishness. You know what's worse? This isn't even the first time he's admitted this. Back in Chapter Five he specifically told Bella that he "got tired" of avoiding her and was just going to do whatever he wanted. In other words he endangers Bella's life ... BECAUSE HE'S LAZY! I went over that part in the summary for that chapter, so read it to get the full "Edward is a selfish prick" experience.

Edward Cullen, there is not a word in the English language that can accurately describe just how big of an asshole you are. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

This also makes Edward a hypocrite when you consider what he said to Bella in chapter ten.

"Don't you see? That's what proves me right. I care the most, because I can do it"--he shook his head, seeming to struggle with the thought--"if leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."

And he follows that, three chapters later, with this:

"... I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."

A real class act, he is. Just look at how he so nobly goes back on his word and places Bella's life in danger just because he's selfish. Oh, and if you're thinking that this is supposed to be foreshadowing for New Moon, it's worth noting that New Moon hadn't even been conceived of while Twilight was being written. This is just Meyer being a terrible writer. Edward's actions are proof positive that he doesn't give a shit about Bella. Edward is just doing what's best for Edward, and to Hell with everything else. That he is also risking the safety of his family, as we learned in chapter twelve, only compounds his selfishness.

Edward immediately scolds Bella for reacting positively to his statement, preaching once again that he is dangerous. This time even Bella comments on his sudden mood swings ... after she's finished having an orgasm over his voice, which is apparently "more beautiful than any human voice." Ugh!

Let's go over this, shall we? In Edward's own words, he is too selfish to leave Bella alone. Even if Bella were to follow his advice to the letter and actively avoid him, he'd just keep stalking her anyway. Edward also went out of his way to demonstrate that Bella can neither escape him nor defend herself from him. Where does this leave Bella? Shit out of luck, that's where!

Edward's constant preaching to Bella is emotional manipulation, plain and simple. By constantly harping on how dangerous he is, he is making it out as if it'd be Bella's fault if he ever ended up murdering her, because that'd mean she'd failed to heed his warnings, while leaving himself completely blameless. This is, emotionally and potentially physically, an example of Why Did You Make Me Hit You.

Any normal person exhibiting this behavior would either a) receive a lot of restraining orders, b) find someone just as nutty as he, or c) meet someone who is weak enough to accept his abusive behavior (and maybe even think that she deserves it). The latter two cases would result in an unhealthy relationship based on power and abuse. Woe to any children born into such a house.

Edward's behavior pattern is not that of a person in love, it is the behavior of a stalker. His "need" to be with Bella is not a sign of being "in love," it is merely an unhealthy obsession. In John D. Moore's book, Confusing Love with Obsession, he describes a wheel of obsession with multiple phases. Judging by what I've seen of Bella and Edward so far, I would say they're at the first phase: the attraction phase.

An instant attraction to romantic interest, usually occurring within the first few minutes of meeting.

Bella and Edward. So much!

An immediate urge to rush into a relationship regardless of compatibility.

Exactly how long had Bella been around Edward before declaring her "unconditional and irrevocable" love for him, without so much as knowing what his hobbies are?

Becoming "hooked on the look" of another, focusing on the person's physical characteristics while ignoring personality differences.

The only way anyone could NOT notice this behavior in Bella is if he/she never reads the book, is illiterate, is comatose, or is named Stephanie Meyer.

Unrealistic fantasies about a relationship with a love interest, assigning "magical" qualities to an object of affection.

Bella ... so ... much! I mean, seriously. I've named so many examples in this blog that it would take me too long to list them here.

The beginnings of obsessive, controlling behaviors begin to manifest.

Edward dragging Bella forcefully to his car and threatening her until she got in. Edward stalking her across towns. Edward breaking into Bella's bedroom at night to watch her sleep. Edward breaking into Bella's house to go through her dirty laundry for her keys. Edward developing a jealous dislike of Mike because he also likes Bella. Edward generally ignoring Bella's wishes and ordering her about. Bella becoming upset with Edward whenever he doesn't show up for school on a sunny day (even after learning of his vampirism). Bella idolizing Edward to divine levels, based on nothing but his looks.

But I digress.

Bella asks Edward to explain himself. He makes a food analogy, which turns into a drawn out alcohol analogy in which he compares Bella to the finest 100 year-old brandy in existence (not Mary Sue-ish at all!). He says that an alcoholic would be extremely tempted by that, which only proves that Meyer has never actually seen an alcoholic. It doesn't matter if the brandy is a century-old treasure or something picked up at the local liquor store with pocket money. A booze fiend would go for either equally. This is because ... get this ... THEY'RE ALCOHOLICS! They're after the ALCOHOL to get DRUNK, not to daintily sip with their pinkies in the air and comment on the bouquet. It doesn't matter if what they drink is fancy or cheap, it gives them the same buzz either way.

Deciding that the century-old brandy comparison didn't do Bella justice (coughMarySuecough), he shifts it to a drug analogy (because heroin is so much more dignified than brandy) and then ... *sigh*

Yeah, you know what's coming next.

"Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin."

Oh ... my ... God ...

Sanity Meter: 53%

I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on Hari-Kiri rock! I NEED SCISSORS! 61!

Um ... what? Did I just say something? I blacked out there for a second.

Anyway, do I even need to point out how messed up that comparison is? Obviously I do, since there are plenty of people who insist that this is one of the greatest romances ever told while completely ignoring disturbing crap like this. Seriously, what was Meyer thinking? Was she even thinking at all when she wrote this? That is just an awful example to give to the impressionable young girls who are this book's target audience. Don't know what heroin is, Little Lucy 13 year-old? After reading Twilight and doing a Google search, now you know! Better save up that lunch money for your first dime bag. (+1 Stupidity)

Oh, and if you think I may be overreacting and that one little mention in a book can't possibly have any real-life consequences, consider the Twilight-themed heroin bags that became popular in 2009.

The heroin analogy, unfortunate implications aside, is actually an apt description of their "relationship," just not in the way that Meyer imagined. Drug abuse is a serious problem that can cause people to do stupid and reckless things. It is unhealthy and destructive, and the best thing an addict can do is seek help. That is Edward and Bella's "relationship" in a nutshell.

If Edward's heroin analogy is to be taken seriously, then it amazes me that he doesn't realize that he's not really in love with Bella. All of his analogies--food, alcohol, drugs--are about her blood. Bella's blood is his ice cream, his cognac, his heroin. He's not in love with Bella, he's in love with her blood. She is just a meat puppet to him. He keeps following her everywhere and is too "selfish" to leave her alone because he really wants to drink her blood. A drug addict doesn't "love" his dealer, he loves the product.

Twilight: you know it's true love when your attraction is likened to the junkie selling back alley blowjobs to support his habit.

Edward belabors the point as he further explains how his brothers reacted to people who's blood was addictive to them, namely Emmett. He then states that, in his century or so of un-life, he has never encountered a human being who's blood was as appealing to him as Bella's. *coughMarySuecough*

Bella asks about Emmett, which causes Edward to go emo again. He says that even the strongest vampire can "fall off the wagon," in reference to how each time Emmett encountered people with appealing blood he had ended up murdering them.

"I mean, is there no hope, then?" How calmly I could discuss my own death!

Remember kiddies, it's okay to have a boyfriend who may murder you as long as he's pretty. If he's ugly, call the police because that would be totally creepy. Seriously, how dumb is this girl? (+1 Stupidity)

Bella: Oh Edward, have I told you how beautiful and god-like you are?
Edward: Yes, you did ... ten seconds ago.
Bella: Being with you is like a dream!
Edward: I eat people.
Bella: You are so handsome, like a supermodel!
Edward: I could very easily kill you at any time.
Bella: Your breath smells like Heaven!
Edward: Every second in your presence is literally a struggle to keep myself from tearing your throat open and feasting on your blood.
Bella: Your muscles are so perfect!
Edward: Read my lips: I ... WILL ... KILL YOU!
Bella: You're like a Greek god!
Edward: Are you even listening?
Bella: Ooh, sparkles!

Contradicting what he said earlier, Edward states that he could NEVER slip like Emmett did twice. Those people were strangers, he says. Wait, so that somehow makes it okay? Also, how long have Bella and Edward been seeing each other? Not bloody long! He also says that it happened a long time ago and that Emmett is more practiced now. Good for him, but what does this have to do with EDWARD'S bloodlust? He's the one in danger of "falling off the wagon," not Emmett. Since this is his first time, that's even more cause for concern!

Even if Emmett is wiser from his experience, it still took him two grisly murders to reach that point. Also, unless he meets someone else with addictive blood there is no way to tell whether he really can restrain himself now. For all we know he could end up doing it again, yet Edward claims that he can accomplish what Emmett cannot? Is he saying he's better than him? Also, Edward just finished saying that even the strongest vampire can slip, and yet he claims that he won't. Is he implying that he is stronger than the strongest vampire? Can he BE any more arrogant? (+1 Stupidity)

Wow. I really have to give Meyer credit here. This chapter actually manages to get worse each time I look at it, as if there were layers of crap that were too subtle to be picked up the first time. No, that's not quite right; nothing about this book is subtle. It's more like there was so much crap when I first read this chapter that it distracted me from the other crap. Each time I think that Meyer's writing couldn't get worse, she manages to find new ways to lower my expectations yet again.

This book is, in fact, so bad that not even Candlejack would touch it with a

Chapter Thirteen News!

2010-04-28T15:30:00.002-04:00

I've tried editing down my post on chapter thirteen because, frankly, it is turning into a beast. There is just so much wrong with this chapter that I find myself constantly going into great detail to describe something else Meyer fucked up royally. This is really getting ridiculous.

This post is longer than the rest, and may even be longer than the chapter itself. That is how much shit is compacted into this one chapter. Truly this chapter of Twilight is a work of art, if only for the sheer amount of FAIL Meyer has managed to condense into it.

Therefore, rather than making you wait even longer for me to finish the post, edit the post, and then cut down the post to make it a manageable length, the 13th chapter of Twilight will instead be a two-parter. This will allow me to bring you the first part MUCH more quickly, and I will no longer need let the world think I am dead until I can control the raging spirit that dwells within me.

Look forward to Twilight: Chapter Thirteen, Part the First, very soon.

My mind is going.

2010-04-08T15:01:00.003-04:00

I just completed the edits of the novel I am writing. Currently I am in the process of having some people read it for feedback and giving it another once over to catch any lingering errors and possible problems with the plot (in other words, everything Meyer didn't do).

Don't worry, fair readers. I haven't forgotten you. I am working on chapter thirteen of this blog even now. This latest entry is a test of my very sanity as I slog through all of the verbal diarrhea that Meyer has passed for good literature. God this chapter is awful.

So ... many ... misused ... synonyms!

Twilight - Chapter Twelve

2010-02-13T08:25:00.011-05:00

The Misadventures of Elf Willow and Edward the Burglar.

I am really dreading this. Just one more chapter to go until the part you've all been waiting for. I can barely contain my abject horror at the very thought of plowing through the scene on which this whole series was based. Anyway, no use crying about it. Let's dig in, shall we?

The chapter begins with Charlie greeting Billy and chastising Jacob for driving at a young age. Jacob explains that they get learner's permits early on the reservation, and Charlie calls bullshit. Isn't Jacob 15? You DO know that you can legally obtain a learners permit in Washington at age 15, right? Once again, Meyer didn't do research. (+1 Stupidity)

Charlie is surprised by the sudden visit and Billy hopes that the timing of his arrival isn't bad. Does NOBODY in this book have a phone? They make planning social calls very easy, you know! It turns out that Billy came over to watch the game because his TV broke last week. Apparently his phone died in the same tragic accident that claimed the life of his television.

Billy says that Jacob was anxious to see Bella, which embarrasses him and causes Bella to feel a moment's regret at flirting with him and leading him on at the beach. In this situation the honorable thing to do would be to let him down gently and tell him that there is nothing going on between them. It's not an easy thing to do, but this is the kind of thing that can poison a friendship otherwise. So, of course, the thought never enters Bella's head. Playing the good housewife, she asks if they want something to eat. They decline and she asks Charlie if he's hungry and ... wait a moment, did she just call him Charlie to his face?

"How about you, Charlie?" I called over my shoulder as I fled around the corner.

Wow. It's one thing to refer to one's parent by his name when he's not around, but to do so to his face is just plain disrespectful, especially in front of company. Charlie says "sure," not even noticing the slight. Again, wow. Bella had said previously that she wasn't allowed to call him "Charlie" to his face, and in chapter one she nearly slipped and called him "Charlie" out of frustration. Well, she just did that here without any negative repercussions whatsoever. Not only does this show disrespect, it also shows a lack of continuity. (+1 Stupidity)

She makes grilled cheese sandwiches and slices a tomato. I hope she plans to make it of the fried green variety and is not actually thinking of putting it in the cheese sandwich (yuck!). Jacob comes over to chat. I'm actually glad he's here, because Jacob is the one character in this book that I honestly like. He has an actual personality, for one. I am convinced that Jacob is an accident and Meyer doesn't even realize that she is doing something competent for once.

They talk about car parts for a moment, and I am glad to see someone in this book has a real hobby. Jacob asks if there's something wrong with the truck, because Bella hasn't been driving it. I'm actually going to give Meyer credit for this one. I was just starting to think "doesn't anyone notice that she hasn't been using her truck with Edward driving her everywhere?" I didn't think she'd catch that, but she has. A gold star and a cookie for Meyer.

Bella says that she got a ride with someone else, and Jacob comments on the car. He doesn't know Edward, so he didn't recognize his car. Bella tries to dodge the subject, but caves in immediately after Jacob asks who it was only once. Jack Bauer would be proud. Jacob laughs when she tells him about Edward and dismisses his father's concerns as superstition. Again, I like this character. This is the kind of reaction you'd expect from someone being told about vampires and werewolves.

Bella asks if Billy would bring up Edward to Charlie, and here we get an interesting observation from Jacob.

"I doubt it," he finally answered. "I think Charlie chewed him out pretty good last time. They haven't spoken much since--tonight is sort of a reunion, I think. I don't think he'd bring it up again."

So let me get this straight. The Cullens are so awesome in Charlie's mind that he was willing to put a strain on his friendship with Billy over some real or imagined insult against them, and Bella insists on hiding Edward from him BECAUSE? Judging from this, I'd think the man would be thrilled that Bella is involved with someone from the family he loves so much.

Jacob tries to talk to her some more, but Bella ignores him so she can listen in on Billy's conversation out of fear that he might tell Charlie about Edward. She goes so far as to stay with them all night and neglect her homework because she has to stop him if he decides to tell Charlie. Why exactly is she that afraid of her father finding out? Considering the glowing praise he'd heaped on the Cullens in chapter two, and the display of passion he feels for the Cullen family that was just recently described, you'd think Bella would realize that Charlie would not be opposed to Edward in the slightest. Even Edward had asked Bella, multiple times, to tell her father, so there really is no conflict. Charlie wouldn't mind, and Edward wants Charlie to know. The only thing stopping this is Bella.

They leave, and Charlie wants to talk to Bella. At first she wonders if Billy had told Charlie about Edward, but notes that Charlie is still smiling and concludes that he doesn't know. I'm not going to point out, yet again, how stupid that is. There is no real reason for this at all. This is just Meyer using false tension to make Bella's relationship more dramatic, even when it doesn't make any sense. Note to Meyer: you can't just have your characters overreact to a situation and call it conflict. There has to be an actual source for conflict in order for it to be real.

For example, if Charlie actually hated the Cullens and was just itching to arrest one of them, THAT would make Bella's reaction to her father very authentic. That would be real conflict. Instead we get "oh, my father loves the Cullens but I'm going to hide Edward from him 'just because.' Quiver at my epic conflict-writing skills!"

It would even make more sense in context with the rest of the story. The lone officer casting a suspicious eye at the family of pale-skinned people who keep to themselves and don't fit in with the rest of the town. He would be suspicious of their motives but unable to pin anything solid on them. Into the scene comes Bella, intimately involved with the enemy. You see? That has the making of an actual plot. I would be interested in reading that.

But NO, everything has to be all buttercups and rainbows in Meyerland, so devoid of anything negative that she has to try to pull imaginary conflict out of thin air. But enough ranting, there's more chapter to read. (+1 Stupidity)

Charlie asks Bella about her day, and she searches for details she can "safely share." I'm just going to pretend that Charlie is a badass cop hot on the trail of the Cullens. It helps to make this scene make sense and is just more interesting. This is what this book is reducing me to. I have to make stuff up in order to stay interested enough to continue reading.

She tells him about her badminton games and says that Mike is her partner. Charlie is thrilled by this and suggests that Bella ask him to the dance. Bella protests that she can't dance, and that's the end of that. Didn't Bella say last chapter that Charlie "lived in fear" of her meeting a boy that she likes? Truly this is a man haunted by unspeakable terror, how he so cheerfully makes suggestions on boys she could possibly date. Charlie mentions that he has a fishing trip planned for Saturday, but is perfectly willing to cancel that so he can spend time with Bella, should she choose to stay home that day. Again, I just have to wonder why Bella doesn't give the man any credit as a human being.

Bella goes to sleep, but is too tired to dream. Um, how does that work exactly? Edward is waiting for Bella as soon as Charlie leaves. Once again her heart stops beating, this time because he grinned. Bella really should have her ticker checked out; a heart condition may run in her family.

I couldn't imagine how an angel could be any more glorious. There was nothing about him that could be improved upon.

Didn't Bella once protest to Jessica that there was so much more to Edward than just his looks? Funny how she doesn't seem to mention anything else about him except how OMG GORGEOUS he is. This book is superficial to such a degree that I will say that any woman who ever said that men are pigs, but loves this book that fixates on outward appearances, is a hypocrite.

Edward asks how she slept, and after Bella comments on how appealing his voice is she asks what he did last night, and once again Edward refuses to answer. He asks her questions about the people in her life, and again we don't get to see the answers to his questions. Edward is surprised that Bella never dated before. Frankly, considering how she goes out of her way to alienate people, I am not surprised.

"I should have let you drive yourself today," he announced, apropos of nothing, while I chewed.

Suddenly, unexpectedly, without warning. These are three examples of things that would have worked better than "apropos of nothing." There are just so many ways I could rewrite that sentence. "I should have let you drive yourself today," he said with a tinge of regret. This book is making my inner editor do cartwheels. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Edward says that he'll be leaving with Alice after class today, but he doesn't want Bella to have to walk home. His solution is to fetch Bella's car before school ends so she can drive home herself.

"I don't have my key with me," I sighed. "I really don't mind walking." What I minded was losing my time with him.

Oh well, I suppose that's the end of that. Bella will just have to walk. It sucks, I know, but that's how it is.

He shook his head. "Your truck will be here, and the key will be in the ignition--unless you're afraid someone might steal it."

Did Edward just tell Bella that he's going to break into her house?

"All right," I agreed, pursing my lips. I was pretty sure my key was in the pocket of a pair of jeans I wore Wednesday, under a pile of clothes in the laundry room. Even if he broke into my house, or whatever he was planning, he'd never find it.

My God, he really plans to break into her house ... again. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward: I don't want you to walk home, so I'm going to break into your house, go through your things, and take your key so your truck will be waiting for you.
Bella: Oh, go right ahead. I'm sure my policeman father will have absolutely no problem with you burglarizing his house, and I, for one, will not even stop to think that this means you'll be going through my personal things. Just one question, though.
Edward: Sure, shoot.
Bella: If you have the time to go from the school to my house, break in, and come back with my truck, why can't you just take me with you so I can go inside and get my key myself? The school is in walking distance, so it's not like it would take that long for me to drive back during the lunch period.
Edward: Because SHUT UP!
Bella: You just want to go through my dirty laundry, don't you?
Edward: CHAGRIN!

Bella asks where Edward is going, and he says that he's going to do some illegal poaching of the local wildlife, a crime punishable by a stiff fine and/or jail time. He's doing this because he wants to feed before being alone with Bella, to help keep himself from murdering her. Lovely relationship they have here, huh?

His face grew morose ... and pleading. "You can always cancel, you know."

People in this book have amazingly expressive faces, don't they? Also, WHAT THE HELL? Edward is the one who invited himself to Bella's trip. Her original plan hadn't included him, but he talked her into changing her plans to include him. Now he's playing innocent and acting as if he had nothing to do with it. Going on a private retreat was HIS idea. Bella was going to go to Seattle, but no, he wanted to go somewhere else because he didn't want to let her out of his sight. If being alone with Bella is such a huge problem, why did he insist on being alone with her in the first place? THINK, MCFLY, THINK!

Bella's reaction is just plain sick.

I refused to be convinced to fear him, no matter how real the danger might be. It doesn't matter, I repeated in my head.

It doesn't matter? IT DOESN'T MATTER? This girl is insane! In a nutshell she just said that Edward could be every bit as dangerous as he claims; he could even be a serial murderer for all she knows, and even if he is some depraved lunatic she doesn't care. Even if she is in real danger she will dismiss it, because it doesn't matter to her. In other words, having a hot boyfriend is more important to Bella THAN HER OWN LIFE! There is stupid, and then there is Darwin award stupid! Double stupidity points for her. (+2 Stupidity)

Sorry, I'm just reeling from that paragraph. She's like a lemming who would thoughtlessly jump off a cliff at Edward's behest. Oh, I'm sorry, she ACTUALLY DOES jump off a cliff in New Moon. Just ... wow. Not only is Bella a chronically stupid damsel in distress with no personality to speak of, she doesn't even have a basic sense of self-preservation. What's even worse is that THIS is what young girls are getting their ideas of romance from! That thought makes me sad for humanity.

"No," I whispered, glancing back at his face. "I can't."

Yes you can, you stupid bitch! Don't confuse "can't" with "won't." Just because you don't want to doesn't mean it's not possible. Now that I think about it, maybe she really can't. I mean, it's entirely possible for her to refuse, but given Edward's attitude I think that course may eventually end with something like this.

Bella asks when she'll see him tomorrow, depressed because he won't see her after school. They start making plans, and then Edward asks what Charlie might think if Bella doesn't come home at all. This question ties into a statement Edward had made previously about how he might not bring Bella back (in other words, kidnap her). Bella doesn't notice the implication and plays it off, which upsets Edward. They scowl at each other. She changes the subject when she's sure that she's lost the "glowering contest." Seriously, why is every character in this book constantly scowling and glowering and grimacing?

She asks what they'll be hunting, and Edward's response is whatever they happen to find. Um ... question. Vampires need a regular supply of blood, right? Well, in that case, why go hunting? Wouldn't it be more efficient to get a few pets, perhaps raise some livestock, harvest blood from them and keep it in cold storage? Carlisle is a doctor, right? Why hasn't he cultivated some connections to obtain a supply of donor blood? I'm just saying, raising pets or livestock would result in a self-replenishing supply of blood that they can tap into without drawing any suspicion. At the rate they're hunting, wouldn't the authorities eventually notice that their animals are vanishing out of season? That's not good for their cover at all.

Sorry, I was being logical again. I forgot that logic doesn't apply in Meyerland.

Bella asks why he's hunting with Alice, and Edward informs her that she's the most supportive of his relationship with Bella. His other siblings are all wondering why he's so obsessed and doesn't just leave her alone. Now that is just plain funny. I mean, imagine it this way.

Edward: Bella, I can't stop thinking about you. I don't want to ever be apart from you!
Bella: Oh, Edward, you are so hot!
Edward: What are you saying? I'm dangerous, you should stay away from me! By the way, mind if I drive you to Seattle?
Bella: Um ... okay?
Edward: You foolish girl! Can't you see that I'm dangerous? If you were smart you'd avoid me!
Bella: But you just offered ...
Edward: By the way, Seattle is no good for me. Mind if we go someplace private instead?
Bella: Um ... uh ... alright?
Edward: YOU FOOL! I look at you pleadingly now. Call off the trip. I'm too dangerous! What time should I pick you up? I can be there whenever if you plan to sleep in.
Bella: But you just said ... oh, forget it. How's your family anyway?
Edward: They're wondering why I don't just leave you alone
Bella: So why don't you?
Edward: Because you won't let me go.
Bella: But you're the one who keeps following me everywhere I go. If even your own family is wondering why you don't just leave me alone, doesn't that say something about you?
Edward: I SPARKLE IN THE SUNLIGHT!

Edward Cullen, ladies. To call him the master of mixed signals would be a supreme understatement.

Edward's answer to why he keeps stalking Bella is because she's a super special snowflake, unlike any other human being he has ever met in his century of life. Why not just come out and say that Bella is a Mary Sue avatar for the author and be done with it? Edward claims to have a higher than average understanding of human nature because he can read minds, which is bullshit. What people think and what they do are often in conflict, after all. That he doesn't see Bella for the spoiled brat that she is tells me that he doesn't have as firm a grasp on the human psyche as he claims.

Edward is just a selfish prick. That is the real reason. He is risking a person's life by putting himself in a position to someday murder her, and all this just because she's interesting? He is like a child with a toy, refusing to let it go because it's all shiny and new. Edward may be over a hundred years old, but he is acting like the stupid, hormone-driven teen he resembles. Considering his age, I think you'll appreciate the irony in my saying that Edward needs to grow the fuck up.

Edward goes on about how ZOMG FASCINATING Bella is. Meanwhile Bella looks at the Cullen family so that Edward doesn't "read the chagrin" in her eyes. I wish I didn't have to read the chagrin in this book. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Rosalie glares at Bella and continues to do so until Edward gets peeved. Edward explains that Rosalie is worried that their whole family might be in danger if, after spending so much time publicly with Bella, Edward ended up murdering her. Edward is not only endangering Bella's life with his selfish actions, he is placing the safety of his family at risk as well. Why does he keep stalking her, then? Because he's a selfish bastard. For that matter, why doesn't his family do something? If Edward's actions put them in danger, why do they not intervene?

Bella doesn't notice the implications of Edward's words. Rather, she is frustrated at Rosalie for interrupting them. It shouldn't surprise me that Bella has no concern for things that affect more than just her, given her track record. Seriously, how self-absorbed is this girl?

Edward takes a moment to be emo, and Alice teleports over to their table, because even the act of walking from one table to another must be done mysteriously by the Cullens. It's time for Edward to leave, as he and Alice must go on their illegal hunting trip. Um ... why does he have to go now? Don't get me wrong, I love that he's leaving, but think about it. Edward doesn't sleep, he essentially has the entire day and night to hunt, so why does he have to ditch school to do it? I get the impression from his explanation that this hunting trip is a precaution, not a necessity, so what's the rush?

Meyer describes Alice as "elfin" and "willowy," so I will now refer to her as Elf Willow. If you don't know what I'm talking about, imagine the protagonist of this movie, but as an elf. Edward introduces Bella to Elf Willow, who apparently has "brilliant obsidian eyes," which I swear I've read in several bad fanfics which were more entertaining than this book. She uses the word "sinuous" to describe Elf Willow's walk, which comes uncomfortably close to saying her spine was a snake in my opinion.

After what passes for banter in this book they finally say their goodbyes, but not before Edward makes Bella promise to be safe, because she is obviously so weak that she risks death or injury every second that she is not under Edward's stalking gaze. At this point I think this is not genuine concern from Edward, but merely a sign of his possessiveness. He watches Bella like a miser watches his gold, with greed and paranoia.

Bella considers ditching school, which would render Edward's retrieval of her truck pointless, but stops herself because she's afraid that people will think that she's with Edward. She repeats Rosalie's concern about what might happen if "something went wrong" after being seen with Edward in public, and once again completely fails to see the implications of this. To be fair it's not that she doesn't "get it," it's that she willfully refuses to acknowledge what those words mean. As she herself said, she doesn't care how much danger she is in, so long as she has a hot boi. She is, in effect, putting her hands to her ears and shouting "LA LA LA, I AM NOT LISTENING, LA LA LA!" That this airhead is considered a role model for young girls saddens me to no end.

I intuitively knew--and sensed he did too--that tomorrow would be pivotal.

Classic projection. I don't think Bella "sensed" anything, she merely projected her own overblown expectations onto Edward, assuming that they are of the same mind.

Our relationship couldn't balance, as it did, on the point of a knife.

What relationship? They only just reached the point where they ask basic questions such as "what's your favorite color?" and Bella doesn't even put that much effort into getting to know Edward as a person. This is hardly a relationship in the way that Bella means. There is no emotional investment between the two of them, only lust and infatuation that they mistake for love. Bella is a stupid girl with a crush, and Edward is a possessive stalker.

You've just got to love Meyer's choice of words. Their relationship balances on a knife's point, huh? That sounds oh so dramatic and dangerous, except that it's complete bullshit. There is no drama here, no difficulty that they must overcome. The most we get is Bella obsessing and Edward being emo. Meyer leans heavily on artificial tension because she lacks the ability to write genuine tension. The story is dramatic because Meyer says it is, not because there is any real drama stemming from situations in the actual book.

In full ham mode, Bella goes on about how their relationship depends entirely on Edward's decisions (because the man is always right) and how there is nothing more terrifying to her than leaving Edward. Needy much? What really disturbs me is the subtle message this sends, that a girl should allow herself to be completely consumed by the boy she's with. That her own thoughts, feelings, and ambitions should mean nothing compared to whether or not she has a boy. That is not healthy! Yes, relationships are an important part of human development, but they are not the be all and end all of one's existence. That this book preaches blind dependence does great harm to its target audience and sets up highly unrealistic expectations that will most likely end badly.

Bella goes to class, and Mike wishes her a good time in Seattle. For some reason Bella decides to tell him that she's not going, giving an excuse about her truck. Naturally, Mike asks if she's going to the dance with Edward, and she says no. When Mike asks what she'd be doing if she's not going to Seattle or the dance, Bella wants him to butt out.

Ouch. Touchy, isn't she? Suddenly there's some big taboo against asking what she's up to? Why did she tell Mike that she wasn't going to Seattle anyway? It could be argued that she's being honest, but then she immediately lied about what she'd actually be doing, saying she'd be doing laundry and studying for a test. If she was just going to lie anyway, why not just let Mike continue to think that she'd be in Seattle? Sorry, I was being logical again. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella lies through her teeth about Edward, saying that they're not going to be together that day, and she also comments about how it's getting easier for her to lie. Mike invites Bella to the dance again, and she snaps at him. It's interesting to note that on mention of Edward not being there Mike "perks up" but when turned down he immediately "sulks." The characters in this book jump from one emotional extreme to the next so quickly that they're more like cartoon caricatures than actual people. Bella, as usual, doesn't give a damn. (+1 Bitch)

I did not especially want to walk home, but I couldn't see how he would have retrieved my truck.

It's called breaking and entering.

Then again, I was starting to believe that nothing was impossible for him.

What? So if he breaks into her house and takes her keys from her pile of dirty laundry it's because he's so totally awesome that nothing is impossible for him? Doesn't it enter her mind for one second that such an act may be a little bit creepy and unhealthy, not to mention ILLEGAL?

Bella truck is waiting for her, with the key in the ignition. Other than being momentarily surprised, Bella does not question how Edward got to her keys. She does not put two and two together and realize that her house had just been broken into. When she gets home she notes that the front door is locked just as she left it, which is meaningless because Edward could easily have locked the door behind himself when he left. Most likely, though, I suspect he used the same entrance he'd been using all this time he's been repeatedly breaking into her house to watch her sleep at night. She checks her clothes in the laundry room and, not finding her keys, assumes that she'd simply hung them up. Unless she hangs her keys outside, this still means that HE BROKE INTO HER BLOODY HOUSE!

The thought never occurs to her. Instead she calls Jessica to tell her that she's not going to Seattle, and is immediately suspicious of Jessica's tone, saying she seemed too disappointed. Again, why is she telling people she's not going to Seattle if she's just going to hand them all new lies anyway? She tells her fath--I mean, Charlie--about Seattle, giving him the same bullshit she gave Mike and Jessica. He offers to cancel his fishing trip, but she insists that he goes because it would be inconvenient if he stayed home and noticed that Bella had been talking out of her ass.

Bella says that she feels guilty for deceiving him, but not guilty enough to tell him the truth. (+1 Bitch)

Bella: Even though my supposed trip to Seattle will in no way interfere with my plans with Edward and is, in fact, the perfect cover up, I'm going to tell even more lies and needlessly complicate my own plans for no adequately explained reason!
Charlie: Hello Bella, darling. Have fun in Seattle!
Bella: I'm not going to Seattle, Dad. I'm going to stay home and do laundry. Oh, and please don't come home early or anything like that; otherwise my blatant lies to you will be completely ruined. Ruined, I say!
Charlie: Whatever you say, My sweet Mary Sue.
Bella: Just so you don't think I'm a total bitch I promise to feel guilty while I'm sneaking around behind your back and lying about Edward for absolutely no reason. Aren't I selfless and self-sacrificing? That's what my fans call me.

Bella does the laundry ... which is what she said she'd be doing Saturday. Way to hold up your alibi if Charlie sees and the next day realizes "hmm, didn't she do the laundry last night?" There's more pointless filler about Bella obsessing over Edward. For one very brief moment she seems to consider the amount of danger she's putting herself in, even going so far as to wonder if it would hurt if things "ended badly." She instantly dismisses this, however, because leaving Edward would be "intolerable." Once again she places having a boyfriend above her own life.

Oh I just love this next part. Bella does something so utterly scandalous that normally she would never condone such behavior, but she's desperate, damn it, so she has no choice! Oh, it is just so reckless and dangerous that I can't even bear to speak of it!

What did she do?

I knew I was far too stressed to sleep, so I did something I'd never done before.

Oooh, I am positively aquiver with anticipation! What did she do? What is it?

I deliberately took unnecessary cold medicine--the kind that knocked me out for a good eight hours.

That it? She took NyQuil? That's what she considers reckless behavior?

I normally wouldn't condone this type of behavior in myself ...

Because nobody ever takes NyQuil to help them sleep at night. What kind of a 17-year-old is she that she considers taking a sleeping aid to be out of control behavior? What's next, will she decide not to tuck the bed sheets in the morning? How rebellious! Someone call Jerry Springer!

After we get the pleasure of seeing her do her hair and pick her clothes, she puts on some music to help her sleep. She wakes up the next morning, having slept well because of her "gratuitous drug use." Gratuitous? She calls taking a bit of cold medicine gratuitous? Honey, you've lived a VERY sheltered life, haven't you?

After being treated to Meyer describing the exact method in which Bella puts on her clothes, she goes through the rest of her morning ritual and then flies to the door (I picture her sprouting wings) and opens it for Edward. Edward laughs because they're wearing matching outfits, and Bella comments about how he looks like a runway model.

Edward decides to take Bella's gas-guzzling truck instead of his Volvo and has a bit of a Jesus complex when he gets to the passenger's side.

He waited by the passenger door with a martyred expression that was easy to understand.

Meyer just can't resist using the most dramatic-sounding words to describe the simplest of things. Couldn't she have just said that Edward was disappointed that he wouldn't be driving instead of using a word that brings forth images of crucifixions? Meyer's attempt at sounding dramatic just comes off as unintentionally funny. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella has trouble driving because ZOMG Edward is LOOKING at her! *gag* Edward gives her directions as they go, and she can "hear a smile" in his voice. Bella has a small panic attack at the concept of walking after they reach their destination, describing it as a "coming horror." Why am I still reading this?

Edward gets angry when Bella tells him that she lied to everyone about where they were going and that nobody knows she's with him. In a rare moment when I'm actually 100% behind Edward, the two have this exchange.

"You said it might cause trouble for you ... us being together publicly," I reminded him.
"So you worried about the trouble it might cause me--if you don't come home?" His voice was still angry, and bitingly sarcastic.

It says something when the abusive stalker who has no problem with breaking into people's houses turns out to be the voice of reason. Edward, please just eat the bitch and get it over with. Clearly she is too dumb to live. She even did all of the work ensuring that no one would suspect you. Free lunch, Eddykins. Free lunch!

They get out of the truck. Edward follows, "eyes still annoyed." Bella panics because they're not going to use the foot trail, which amuses Edward enough that he forgets his anger at Bella's stupidity. Does everyone in this book have the attention span of a goldfish? Edward turns to Bella, and she "stifles a gasp" at seeing Edward in a sleeveless shirt. The word "perfect" is used twice, and Bella describes him as "godlike."

Um, Bella, remember when you so smugly put down Jessica for admiring Edward's looks and swore that there was SO much more to him than his appearance? You're not helping your own case here. (+1 Eye Sex)

She feels a "piercing stab of despair" and Edward notices her "tortured" expression. Edward asks, with "pain saturating his voice" if she'd like to go home. If this gets any more ridiculous I'm going to hurl. This is the literary equivalent of over-acting. (+1 Wangst)

Bella decides that the forest setting is the perfect place to be emo. Edward scrutinizes her face (her words) after noticing her "dejection." Bella responds to his effort to cheer her up by replying to him "acidly." Isn't Bella such a likable character, how she goes emo and snaps at Edward for no real reason?

I tried to keep my eyes away from his perfection as much as possible, but I slipped often. Each time, his beauty pierced me through with sadness

Oh for the love of God, please shut up! I got the point about Edward's physical appearance the last hundred times it was pointed out. Is this really all that Meyer can write about? How about including an actual STORY in this book?

Edward asks her some personal questions, which Bella describes as interrogation. I don't think that word means what Meyer thinks it means. Asking about her birthdays and childhood pets doesn't constitute interrogation, especially in the context of someone she supposedly loves trying to get to know her better. Not that the bitch has any concept of what real love is. To her it means ogling Edward and waxing poetic about his physical appearance. She's not in love, she's just horny. I'll give Edward some credit; at least he puts some kind of effort into this.

This is love as Bella sees it. NSFW

They walk through the forest a bit. At this point my brain has numbed from the stupidity of this book to such a degree that I'm not even going to bother yelling at Meyer for completely messing up how light works in the woods. Edward points out a patch of sunlight ahead. As Bella notices, Edward's smirk grows "more pronounced." Couldn't Meyer have just said that his smile widened or something? If she's trying to convey emotion, the use of such clinical wording kills the attempt. She steps into a meadow and ...

A meadow?

No ... no ... no no no no no!

We're getting to THAT scene! Dear God, no! Why did I do this to myself? Why did I write this blog knowing that it would eventually come to this? Why, God, WHY?

And, my goodness, the purple ... the purple ...

I was actually surprised that I didn't catch more instances of purple prose in the previous chapters. Sure there are PLENTY of overwrought sentences, mostly having to do with Edward's beauty, but those bits never lasted long enough to be considered prose. Here the flowery language normally reserved for Edward is transferred to the scenery and, my God, it is purple. (+1 Purple Prose)

In an attempt to create tension, Meyer has this chapter end on a cliffhanger, with Edward just starting to step into the sunlight. For me this comes as a relief, because that means I can stop here and take some time to ready myself for the massive levels of fail I'll have to plow through next chapter. Just so you know, I will NOT be writing the next entry without some kind of alcoholic beverage in my hands at all times. Which reminds me.

I need a drink.

Final Tally:

+7 Stupidity
+3 Thesaurus Rape
+2 Bitch
+1 Purple Prose
+1 Eye Sex
+1 Wangst

Real life strikes again..

2010-01-30T16:12:00.003-05:00

Sorry for the delay. Unfortunately, real life got in the way of my normal activities and didn't leave me time to participate in the Twilight Sucks forums or write this blog. I won't bore you with the specifics, but suffice it to say I had to get my shit in order. Luckily I had already made some good headway in the next chapter before all that happened, so it will be up soon. Again, apologies for the delay.

Twilight - Chapter Eleven

2009-12-02T16:27:00.006-05:00

In a nutshell: "blah blah, Edward is awesome, blah blah" and NOTHING HAPPENS!

I must admit that when I started this blog I didn't imagine I would get this far into the book. I assumed that by this point the story would have gotten good enough that there would be no point in my panning it. I guess I simply put too much faith that something so popular couldn't be so bad. Well, here we are, so I guess it is.

Bound and determined to drill it into our skulls how awesome Edward is, the very first sentence of this chapter talks about how everyone is staring at Bella and Edward as they sit down in lab class, as if we hadn't gotten enough of random people stopping and staring last chapter. The teacher walks into the class dragging a TV and VCR in a paragraph that completely abuses the use of dashes. He shoves the tape into the "reluctant" VCR. Um ... so VCRs have feelings now? I wonder if this is why Edward can read the minds of radar guns.

By the way, for this chapter I'm going to be taking a dash count. I'm just curious about just how much Meyer abuses the poor dash. 3 Dashes.

Bella goes on about how amazing it is to *gasp* actually be sitting next to Edward in class ... even though they've shared that seat since day one. Electricity flows through her, so suddenly she's the Highlander. She talks about Edward's "perfect" face and blah blah blah. The movie starts, and at this point I don't care if it's a documentary on the mating habits of turtles; anything is better than this insufferable false tension. The screen lights up the room by "a token amount." *rolls eyes*

Edward looks at her and his eyes "smolder." So, Edward is looking at her hatefully? That isn't very nice. That is the definition of smolder most commonly attributed to eyes.

Smolder: to show suppressed anger, hate, or jealousy (eyes smoldering with hate). (Merriam Webster Dictionary)

Bella nearly hyperventilates. Apparently out of the many words Meyer has taken from her giant thesaurus, the word "subtlety" is not among them. This ham-fisted attempt at romance strikes me as more comedic than romantic. It's just Meyer picking the most dramatic-sounding words and having her characters overreact to the slightest thing Edward does. I can do it too.

His smoldering eyes held me in a vice-like grip. I was powerless under the inextricable scrutiny of his gaze. He scratched his head, and I had to breath into my lunch bag. He touched me, and my heart stopped. When I awoke in the hospital, several hours later, he smiled at me and I flat-lined. The word "clear!" was the last I remembered hearing.

The funny thing is that Bella's heart actually HAD stopped beating in chapter nine, and Edward hadn't even touched her. If you think the above example is ridiculous, know that it isn't that far removed from what's in the actual book.

Sometimes I can almost imagine Meyer standing over the readers with a giant hammer called "plot" in her hands and whacking her readers over the head with it until they can't think rational thoughts, thus leaving them in the perfect state to swallow this tripe. Another blow of that hammer comes when Bella is so fixated on Edward that she doesn't even know what the subject of the film is. I get the feeling that if Meyer could magically replace every instance of the name "Edward" with a column of light and angel song, she would. 4 dashes.

It appears that Edward is the Highlander, because the lightning bolts are coming from his body.

She goes on and on about wanting to touch him, which makes me wonder at the nature of the relationship. You see, in a normal, healthy relationship, touching is kind of a given. Surely Edward and Bella's "unconditional and irrevocable" twu wuv would allow for touching at the very least.

"Well, that was interesting," he murmured. His voice was dark and his eyes were cautious.

Yeah, those few paragraphs of NOTHING HAPPENING were very interesting. I get so tired of books with real plots, where things actually happen and the characters are 3-dimensional. It gets boring reading about characters with pasts, personal motivations, and personalities of their own.

From now on I hereby dub Bella the "eye psychic," because she seems able to tell a hell of a lot more from people's eyes than is humanly possible.

His face startled me--his expression was torn, almost pained, and so fiercely beautiful that the ache to touch him flared as strong as before.

No real reason for quoting that except to give you a taste of what I'm putting up with. 5 dashes. I'm beginning to wonder if Meyer uses so many dashes because they look like little penises to her. Also, this point is way overdue. (+1 Eye Sex)

The tension Meyer is trying to create rings false because there is no real source for it. She tries to paint this as a forbidden love, where they must resist the urge to even touch each other, but nobody is forbidding them. If they want to they can go ahead and do it. The only thing stopping them is Edward being an ungodly asshole, and that doesn't count. Oh, and don't try that "he's a vampire and might lose control" line, because that ceased to be relevant the moment Edward decided to stalk Bella like the obsessive asshat that he is, completely ignoring that risk.

Bella, the eye psychic, notes the "conflict raging in his eyes" when he tries to touch her. Disregarding that there is no real source for conflict, I find it funny that Edward has such a problem touching Bella when he feels no "conflict" when it comes to grabbing her forcefully (parking lot scene, anyone?) or breaking into her house to watch her sleep.

His skin was as icy as ever, but the trail his fingers left on my skin was alarmingly warm--like I'd been burned, but didn't feel the pain of it yet.

Is Meyer saying that Edward's hands are cold enough to give her frostbite from a light touch? How is that even possible? As I explained in chapter seven, it is physically impossible for Edward's skin to be that cold. Also, if his skin is that cold, how come Bella never had a similar reaction the previous times Edward touched her? (+1 Stupidity)

6 dashes.

Bella is "lightheaded and wobbly" as she enters gym. Is it weird to feel an urge to physically assault a fictional character? I just REALLY want to slap Bella across the face right now. She changes her clothes while in a "trancelike" state, really hamming it up. Then she's handed a racket and ...

Wait, hold on! Are we actually in Gym class? Are we going to actually see it this time? Wow, I must admit this is unexpected. Perhaps we'll finally see some of that famous clumsiness we've been hearing so much about. She notes the other people eyeing her furtively. I'm given to think that Bella is just full of herself, but considering all the staring people have been doing because Meyer is obsessed with having Bella be a super special snowflake, I'm not surprised.

Mercifully, some vestiges of Mike's chivalry still survived; he came to stand beside me.

What is that supposed to mean? Is Bella saying that Mike has turned into a jerk since we last saw him, and only some of his former niceness survived? Did her opinion of him drop that much since he stopped chasing after her ass? There is no way to win with her, is there? Pay attention to her and you're a dog; leave her alone and you're not chivalrous. What a bitch! (+1 Bitch)

Mike volunteers to pair up with Bella for a doubles game, and she says that he doesn't have to do this, as if it is some great burden to play with her. I'm actually interested to see how this turns out. I'm eager to actually SEE some of Bella's clumsiness for once, and not "oh, I dropped something so now Edward has to pick it up."

7 dashes.

Bella grimaces apologetically ... how do you even do that?

Websters defines "grimace" as "a facial expression usually of disgust, disapproval, or pain." How, exactly, does one make an expression of disgust apologetically? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella accidentally hits Mike with the racket and hits her own face with the same swing. Even a clumsy person couldn't manage that. Do you know how hard it is to "accidentally" hit your own face? When I said I wanted to see clumsiness, I expected her to trip over Mike's feet or bump into someone. This is just dumb. If Bella really is that clumsy she should not be driving a truck; She should not leave the house; She should be in a "special" school, learning the alphabet with colorful blocks.

After that she stands back and Mike plays with himself--I mean by himself, BY himself! Um ... where is the teacher? He just lets students walk out of the game during team exercises? As if Meyer realized that she had just went a few whole minutes without mentioning Edward, it turns out that Edward is exactly who Mike wants to talk about.

Bella immediate switches into bitch mode and tells Mike that it's none of his business while simultaneously wishing that Jessica would go to Hell. Woops, I mean Hades. So, let me get this straight: In their "unconditional and irrevocable" love, their relationship not only has a prohibition against touching, but it's taboo to talk about it as well? I should tell the world of this revelation!

Me: Hey guys, Twilight says it's not love if you talk about it. So no showing pictures, smiling whenever her name is mentioned, or slipping her into conversations. Be cold and distant. Don't talk about her; don't even touch her. Bella Swan commands it!

Seriously, what did she expect to happen? If she wanted to keep their relationship (I use the term loosely) a secret, she did a horrible job of it, what with the ditching her friends to sit with him and all. Did she somehow expect them all to just pretend that nothing is happening? If so, then she must not have been around other people for very long. (+1 Bitch)

Mike doesn't like Edward, and he tells Bella why.

"He looks at you like ... like you're something to eat," ...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ...

Since it was Meyer's joke and Bella is Meyer, Bella naturally finds this hilarious and rushes off to the locker room. I wonder if it ever occurred to her to find it worrying that Edward is being so creepy that other people are starting to comment on it.

I honestly can't make heads or tails of this next sentence.

I dressed quickly, something stronger than butterflies battering recklessly against the walls of my stomach, my argument with Mike already a distant memory.

So ... her clothes are stronger than butterflies? The act of dressing is stronger than nervousness? How do sentences this sloppy make it past the editor? Was he asleep at the desk or something? (+1 Stupidity)

Did they know that I knew? Was I supposed to know that they knew that I knew, or what?

And by reading this blog you know that I know that you know that I know that I hate this book.

After obsessing over Edward some more, she finds him waiting for her at the gym. After talking about his "breathtaking" face she breathes the word "hi" while smiling hugely ... and she used to call Mike a dog?

Edward's eyes shift focus slightly, which means he looked over her shoulder. Apparently Edward doesn't like Mike and he tells Bella so. Very classy, Eddykins, disliking someone because you can't charm him into doing what you want and he is the sole person, so far, to actively question your actions. Right now Edward is looking a lot like the spoiled kid who cries because he didn't get his own way.

Bella asks if Edward has been listening in again, and when he says yes this pisses her off. She doesn't seem angry because Edward is spying on her, but rather because he saw her in gym. Edward doesn't seem to care. What ... the ... fuck?

8, 9, 10, 11 dashes.

Bella notices a crowd composed entirely of boys surrounding Rosalie's car, because girls can't possibly be interested in cars. No, they're too busy with their knitting needles and selecting which apron to wear while they cook their men dinner. Also, why are they paying that much attention to a car? Has Rosalie never drove it to school before in all these years? Is it their first time seeing it? It's a red convertible, not the Messiah. Sure it would elicit interest from car enthusiasts, but a crowd of people circling it? We get it, Meyer, the Cullens are rich. (+1 Stupidity)

It's like all boys in Meyerland are chimps, distracted by the first shiny new thing they see. When Bella arrived, every human male wanted her (according to Edward), and now they see a car and they're all "ooh, shiny!" It appears that Twilight isn't just sexist towards women.

Edward says it's a BMW M3. He also calls it "ostentatious" again. 12 dashes.

Edward asks if Bella is still mad at him, and she is. He asks if she would forgive him if he apologizes, and she says she would if he meant it and promised not to do it again. A reasonable request.

His eyes were suddenly shrewd. "How about if I mean it, and I agree to let you drive Saturday?" he countered my conditions.

Wasn't that Bella's idea in the first place? How does this sound?

Edward: Forgive me for stalking you in school and using psychic powers to spy on you and I'll give you permission to drive, even though that was your idea in the first place. Pfft. Women drivers. Next thing you know they'll want to vote too.

Edward apologizes, his eyes "burning with sincerity for a protracted moment." My eyes are rolling for a protracted moment. 14 dashes. He says he'll be at Bella's driveway on Saturday, which worries her because she thinks it will make it difficult to hide Edward from her fath--I mean, Charlie. Edward smiles "condescendingly" and says that he won't bring a car. 15 dashes.

Bella brings up the subject of why she can't see Edward hunt. 16 dashes. She presses him for an explanation as to why he reacted as angrily as he had. He explains that it's because they go all primal when they hunt, and if she were there she'd be dinner. After gazing at the clouds "morosely" he looks at Bella, and once again becomes the Highlander, because electricity charges the atmosphere. 17 dashes.

Edward says that she should go inside, and as she leaves he informs her that tomorrow he gets to ask questions. Does this mean he's leaving this scene? Please let him be leaving this scene! His car speeds down the street as he leaves.

HOORAY!

Bella doesn't get much sleep because she's too busy dreaming about Edward being the Highlander. I must say that it certainly would explain why Edward is the way he is. You'd be a douchebag too if you were under constant threat of having your head chopped off.

Her father asks her about Saturday, which makes Bella cringe. He then asks if she's still going to Seattle, which makes her grimace. Does she do it apologetically? He asks about the dance, and then Bella glares. Ugh! What is with all the glaring and the frowning and the grimacing in this book?

Charlie shows some parental concern, worrying that perhaps nobody had asked her out. Oh, if only he knew the truth behind that. Bella isn't about to ruin her street cred by being honest with her father, so she avoids the question. Surprisingly Bella shows some small sympathy for her father, though her reasoning behind that sympathy is a little twisted.

It must be a hard thing, to be a father; living in fear that your daughter would meet a boy she liked, but also having to worry if she didn't.

Living in fear of his daughter finding a boy? Granted there is always the concern that one's child may end up with someone abusive and controlling ... like Edward. However, unless the parent is overprotective or insecure, they probably wish for their children to find their match. It's the fond wish of parents to see their children grow up, move out, and make a life for themselves. Parents want their children to give them grandchildren. Me thinks this quote is simply Meyer projecting her own issues on the rest of the world.

How ghastly it would be, I thought, shuddering, if Charlie had even the slightest inkling of exactly what I did like.

You mean the boy who's family he sung the praises of in chapter two? Alright, so maybe the whole vampire thing wouldn't settle so well with him, but unless Edward grows fangs and starts sucking blood right in front of him, I doubt he'd find out. Wait, I forgot, Meyerpires don't have fangs. Ugh!

Charlie leaves, and Edward arrives in his Volvo seconds later. So, the guy who constantly says "I'm dangerous, you should stay away from me" suddenly can't wait to put himself in the very position he whines about. So much for his constant warnings and preaching about how they shouldn't be together, eh?

He was smiling, relaxed--and, as usual, perfect and beautiful to an excruciating degree.

This is the same girl who looked down on Jessica as shallow for complimenting Edward's looks. Our heroine, ladies and gentleman, Ms. Hypocrite McBitchSnipe. (+1 Eye Sex)

18 dashes. I notice that the dashes are most heavily concentrated when Edward is present. This could mean that ... oh no, oh God! OH MY GOD, THE DASHES ARE EDWARD'S PENIS! Gross! *pukes*

They exchange good mornings and drive off. 20 dashes. Bella asks Edward what he did last night, but he refuses to answer. I suppose "hid in your bedroom while you slept" wouldn't make a very good ice breaker. Edward points out that today he will be asking questions, and Bella's forehead creases. Of all the facial expressions to choose from, Meyer settles on a creasing forehead. *sigh* Bella wonders what kind of questions Edward might ask, what kind of information about her he'd find interesting. Edward, his face grave, asks the question that will rock the very foundation of their relationship.

"What's your favorite color?" he asked, his face grave.

BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

You just got to stop and think about how awesome this is. I mean, just look at this in its proper context.

Bella: Oh Edward is so gorgeous, so mysterious and strong and beautiful. I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.
Edward: Bella, we shouldn't be together but I can't stand the thought of being away from you. I must stay with you at all times. I watch you sleep at night, I follow you wherever you go, I would do anything to protect you ... well, everything except leave you alone so I don't one day end up murdering you. I have but one question to ask of you, Bella, my sun, my moon, my starry sky!
Bella: Oh, Edward, ask whatever question you want. I will answer anything as long as I get to see your perfect lips move to form the words. Ask. Ask me anything!
Edward: Um ... what's your favorite color? It suddenly occurs to me that we know nothing about each other.

You see what I mean? Oh, this is rich! You can't write a better parody of romance than Twilight manages unintentionally. I also love how Edward gravely asks what color Bella likes, trying to lend the simple question an air of drama. Hahaha! We're nearly halfway through the book, and ONLY JUST NOW are they getting around to actually getting to know each other. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella says her color preference changes from day to day, but today it's brown because it's a warm color. 22 dashes. Edward agrees that brown is warm, and in the time it took for them to talk about the color brown they arrive at school. We now move on to the next question.

"What music is in your CD player right now?" he asked, his face as somber as if he'd asked for a murder confession.

We get it, Edward is a brooding emo vampire. Give it a rest already, Meyer!

I must say I'm loving this discussion. All of the overly-dramatic and overwrought soliloquies about Bella's "unconditional and irrevocable" love for Edward; about how Edward is perfect and beautiful and all things desirable, and after all that we're just now discussing things like favorite colors and musical tastes. This is one of those rare moments when I actually find myself enjoying what I see in this book.

Bella tells Edward about the CD Phil had given her, and by an amazing coincidence it turns out that Edward has the same CD. Um, question. If Edward is so rich, why doesn't he have an MP3 player? For that matter, if they're in love why haven't they exchanged cell numbers yet? Do they even have cell phones? They do come in handy, you know. If Bella and her friend had cell phones when they were in Port Angeles, Bella might have been spared a lot of trouble.

Edward continues asking her basic questions, which seems to irritate Bella, who says he "questioned me relentlessly about every insignificant detail of my existence." It appears that Bella wants to go back to finding new ways to describe Edward's eyes without all that bothersome getting-to-know-you stuff. You know, considering how obsessed Bella is with Edward you'd think she'd welcome the opportunity to learn these things about him as well. In this, Edward is actually acting more human than Bella. At least he is trying to get an understanding of her that extends beyond surface things such as appearance.

Unfortunately we don't get to see most of the answers, as they are glossed over in the narration. This is clearly Meyer's clumsy attempt at character development, but since very few answers to Edward's personality questions are provided in the text, Bella remains as flat and empty a character as ever. What few answers are provided are stuff we already know (Bella likes warmth and Phil gave her a CD).

Edward asks what Bella's favorite gemstone is. She says topaz, and Edward literally commands her to tell him why. 23 dashes. Bella says that it's because Topaz is the color of his eyes. So ... Edward's eyes are clear? They can appear in many different colors such as blue, red, or pink? Does Bella simply not know that topaz is NOT a color?

I'd given more information than necessary in my unwilling honesty, and I worried it would provoke the strange anger that flared whenever I slipped and revealed too clearly how obsessed I was.

Oh, where do I even begin? Bella clearly is not only annoyed at Edward's questions, but doesn't want to give him honest answers. In other words, she doesn't want to share her personal world with him. Is this the behavior one would expect from someone who is "unconditionally and irrevocably" in love (yes, I'm going to keep quoting that)? So far she has shown zero interest in getting to know Edward as a person and merely fixates on his outward appearance. When given the opportunity to engage Edward on a deeper level via this getting-to-know-you conversation, she resists the whole process.

You cannot argue that this is a love story; the evidence to the contrary is right here. Bella narrates that she is so ZOMG IN WUV with Edward, yet she has no interest in moving past Edward's surface qualities. What some people fail to realize is that this is not love just because Meyer says it is. For it to be love, the two characters would have to actually act like they're in love. So far all I see is superficial lust on Bella's part and abusive, obsessive stalking from Edward. That is not love.

Also, the fact that Bella is afraid to share her interests with Edward because he may get angry isn't exactly an atmosphere that is conducive to romance. Given her reaction to Edward, her supposed "twu wuv," I understand a little better why she constantly lies to her father and withholds information. The bitch just lies to people out of habit. Oh, and I find it funny that Bella is worried about freaking Edward out because she notices his eye colors. She is worried that SHE is more obsessed than the guy who is STALKING her. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward asks her what her favorite flowers are and Bella "continued with the psychoanalysis." Is that how she views this? As some kind of clinical drudgery? If she were really "in love" she would have not only given an earnest effort to answer his questions, but she would have had enough interest in Edward to get answers to those same questions from him as well. I swear, it constantly amazes me how many anti-love messages are in this book, which is heralded as some great love story.

Bella: OMG, Edward keeps trying to get to know me better. That is such a chore! Why can't he just shut up and look pretty so I can continue writing descriptions of his perfect face and muscled chest in my notebook? That's what love is, right? I don't have to actually care about him, I just have to think he's hot.

And THIS is what young girls are looking to as an example of true love? God help us all! Oh, and don't think I'm just going to forgive Bella's complete inability to notice or care that someone she supposedly "loves" is making an honest attempt to understand her. She is such a humungous bitch that she can't see beyond what SHE wants. It's just "me me me" with her. (+1 Bitch)

It's TV day in Biology again, and Edward once again becomes the Highlander when the teacher cuts the lights off. Bella again gets all overly-dramatic about longing to touch Edward and blah blah blah. There is one line here that I found interesting.

I leaned forward on the table, resting my chin on my folded arms, my hidden fingers gripping the table's edge as I fought to ignore the irrational longing that unsettled me.

Again with the prohibition against touching. What I find interesting is how Bella finds it "unsettling" to want to touch Edward. That is the opposite of how someone who's in love would think. I may have given her some credit if she'd said that it's because she doesn't think it's appropriate to fondle Edward in class, but that is not indicated here. Even so, young people in love would not be above touching each other or even sneaking kisses, consequences be damned.

Another appropriate reaction would be if Bella welcomed the idea of touching Edward, but was afraid of getting caught and drawing people's attention. Again, this is not indicated. Instead, Bella simply finds the idea "irrational" and "unsettling." Her choice of words implies a certain level of disgust at the notion. Whether or not that is what Meyer meant, this is still sloppy writing on her part. Also sloppy is her use of the same plot device twice to convey the same message. The first TV time was excusable, but essentially writing the same scene a second time is just unnecessary padding to make a point that has already been made.

Bella, the eye psychic, notes that Edward's eyes are "ambivalent," and the word is not given any context as to the source of this ambivalence. The word implies contradictory feelings, but without any stated or implied context the word is not descriptive at all. Is Edward conflicted between desire and disgust at Bella, or is it something else? Meyer, please burn your thesaurus. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

They walk to Gym and Edward once again touches her face with his hand. 25 dashes. Is it just me, or are we having the same day twice? Mike plays with himself--I mean by himself, BY himself! My God, even the jokes are repeating themselves! Bella admits to feeling a little bad about arguing with Mike, but immediately dismisses it because it's not as important to her as what SHE wants. That paragraph ends in a sentence fragment.

Just like Yesterday she rushes off to meet Edward after gym and gets that same dumb smile on her face. You ever get a sense of Deja vu, like you've seen all of this before? Weird, isn't it?

Edward asks more questions as they sit in front of her fath--dang it, I mean Charlie's--house. Bella makes an attempt to answer in the form of a long paragraph describing how awesome Arizona is. Interestingly, Bella describes her room to him. This is interesting because Edward has been breaking into her room at night to watch her sleep, so he's perfectly familiar with what her room looks like.

Just like Yesterday she rushes off to meet Edward after gym and gets that same dumb smile on her face. You ever get a sense of Deja vu, like you've seen all of this before? Weird, isn't it?

Edward notes that her father will be home soon. Bella responds with "Charlie!" before asking what time it is. 27 dashes.

"It's twilight," Edward murmured ...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ...

He makes a comment about the end of day and the coming of night, trying to sound deep and mysterious but really just coming off like the pretentious emo brat that he is. He notes that Charlie will be back in a few minutes and offers Bella another opportunity to come clean with her dad and tell him about Edward. Her response is "thanks, but no thanks." Edward opens the car door for her, which causes her heart to go into "frenzied palpitations," and, consequently, causes my eyes to do some frenzied rolling.

Edward stops this time and says that there's "another complication." Oh, I see what Meyer did there, quoting the title name in order to justify it. Har har har. To say "another" complication implies that there had been one previously. Where was this first complication in this chapter? I did not see it. There was a lot of "ooh, Edward is gorgeous," followed by Bella complaining because she doesn't want to actually get to know Edward. No complication there that I can see.

It turns out that the "complication" is Jacob arriving in his car with his dad, followed by Charlie in his squad car. This might have been an actual complication if it in any way impacted Bella or Edward, but being that Edward sped away in his car before any of them could notice, this situation is not complicated in the least. 28 dashes.

Apparently Billy Black must be the werewolf equivalent of droopy dog, because Bella describes his cheeks as being so saggy that they rest on his shoulders. Apparently the man smells vampire on Bella, because he stops smiling upon laying eyes on her. Actually, scratch that, I think it's just bitchiness he smells on her.

And here the chapter finally ends. Good Lord, here I thought I'd seen every way in which a chapter can be needlessly padded, but Meyer has actually managed to surprise me. Writing entire chapters where nothing actually happens apparently wasn't enough this time, so she just put the chapter on a loop and essentially wrote the same day twice. Why? Um, laziness perhaps? The sheer depths to which Meyer will sink amazes me to no end!

*sigh* We all know what's coming up, don't we? We're closing in on the moment I know you've all been waiting for. Chapter twelve leads directly into the infamous "meadow scene." Stay tuned, dear readers, for the dreaded duo is up next.

I need a drink.

Final Tally:

+5 Stupidity
+3 Bitch
+2 Eye Sex
+2 Thesaurus Rape

And for our special count:

28 Edward Penises (dashes)

A surprisingly low tally this chapter, but with absolutely nothing happening and the day repeating itself, there wasn't much to work with.

Twilight - Chapter Ten

2009-11-02T16:58:00.006-05:00

I, for one, welcome our new cloud overlords.

This chapter is called "Interrogations." Before we begin I will make a guess as to what this title means. Despite it being written in plural form, I predict that this chapter will only involve one interrogation. Since Bella had promised to tell Jessica about her time with Edward last chapter, I assume that Jessica will be doing the interrogating. Bonus points if Jessica is just naturally curious and Bella, as per usual, is overreacting.

Bella wakes up the next morning and is convinced that everything that had happened the previous night had been a dream. I really hate it when she does this. As you'll recall, she'd had this same reaction to Edward offering to drive her to Seattle.

"OMG! Edward actually TALKED to me. Something like that cannot possibly happen; boys don't talk to girls because we have cooties." I know what you're thinking, that the source of her disbelief stems from Edward being a vampire, but considering Bella's usual train of thought when it comes to Edward, I doubt that's it. Remember, Bella isn't exactly a font of common sense. She's probably all dazed because she can't believe that she was in the same car with Edward and his face which is comprised entirely of adjectives.

Speaking of which ...

Logic wasn't on my side, or common sense.

Oh, sweetie, they never were.

Thankfully Meyer decides not to pad the description of Bella's morning ritual this time, so she's quickly out the door and into the foggy day. Apparently the fog (which, in the next sentence, magically turns into mist) is so thick that it completely hid a second car in the driveway, which she didn't notice until she was pulling out in her truck. The car is silver ... dear God, no! Please, Meyer, no! We've already had a whole chapter of that douchebag, I don't think I can take any more! Have mercy on my sanity, please!

I didn't see where he came from, but suddenly he was there, pulling the door open for me.
"Do you want to ride with me today?" he asked ...

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

God damn glittery stalker. Was he sitting there all night or something? Did he even go home after watching Bella sleep? I'm sure this is how normal people behave. They just arrive at people's houses unannounced, sit in their driveways, and block their cars all the time.

There was uncertainty in his voice. He was really giving me a choice--I was free to refuse, and part of him hoped for that. It was a vain hope.

For the love of all things holy, where do I even begin to describe how utterly messed up that is?

It says a lot that Meyer has to specifically point out that Edward is giving Bella a choice in the matter, because Edward previously hadn't given her a choice. So this is there relationship, where the man letting the woman choose is a noteworthy occurrence. Don't even try to claim that this isn't sexist. Not that Bella has much of a choice anyway. I mean, Edward does have her trapped in the driveway, and this is the same guy who had dragged her across a parking lot and forced her into his Volvo.

Also, which of these two is the one who can read minds? Bella is able to tell an awful lot just from the tone of his voice. If Edward really is hoping that Bella will refuse (again, how does she know this?) then why is he here in the first place? Mister "I'm dangerous, stay away" is once again ignoring his own warnings and forcing Bella to do exactly what he keeps telling her not to do. The word "hypocrite" doesn't even begin to describe him. Edward doesn't really care about Bella, he's just doing whatever the hell he wants. Selfish bastard. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

Bella, of course, says yes, trying to keep her voice calm. I'm glad that Meyer decided to use the word "calm" instead of "modulated" this time around. She notes that the car is warm, so at least today Edward bothered to turn the heater on. She notes his tan jacket, which had been light beige two chapters ago.

The door closed behind me, and, sooner than should be possible, he was sitting next to me, starting the car.

I get it, Edward is super special awesome. Just look at how fast he an get into a car! Meyer seems to think that having Edward do ordinary things with superpowers makes him special, when it just makes him a showoff. Maybe giving him an actual personality would help, but that takes a level of competence that is beyond her grasp.

Edward says that he brought the jacket so that Bella wouldn't get sick, and never mind that you can't actually catch a cold from cold weather. Sensing another eye hump opportunity, Bella ogles Edward some more.

I noticed that he wore no jacket himself, just alight gray knit V-neck shirt with long sleeves. Again, the fabric clung to his perfectly muscled chest. It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body.

I'm not even going to comment on that. (+1 Eye Sex)

This book spends so much time fixating on people's physical attributes, mostly Edward's. I'm still waiting for it to spend some time, I don't know, perhaps actually developing the characters in ways other than their physical appearances; maybe give them personality and motivation. An actual plot would also be nice.

This book reminds me of another one called Naked Came the Stranger, which, to quote Wikipedia, was "conceived by Mike McGrady of Newsday, who assembled twenty-four journalists to write a deliberately terrible book with a lot of sex, to illustrate the point that popular American literary culture had become mindlessly vulgar." The thing is, that book was wildly successful, proving McGrady's point.

Where am I going with this, you ask? Twilight is a terrible book, but with a superficial mega-hunk as one of the lead characters. The book itself focuses on outward appearances to the exclusion of anything deeper, like an actual story. That this book, too, is wildly successful perhaps proves the point that today's American literary culture has become mindlessly shallow. I'm just putting that observation out there. A part of me wishes that Meyer would some day come forward and say that Twilight was done merely as a cultural critique.

Moving on. Bella says that she is not that delicate as she puts on the jacket, smelling it again and commenting that it smells better than she remembered. At this point I'm wondering when Edward will start walking on water and giving sight to the blind. Edward insists that she is delicate, meaning weak. Lovely relationship dynamic they have here. The man is strong and the woman is weak. The mist is now a fog again as they drive through the streets.

We drove through the fog-shrouded streets, always too fast, feeling awkward.

Let me get this straight. There is a fog out that is so thick that, in Bella's words, the air is "smoky with it," and Edward is still speeding? What, does he have super fog-piercing vision as well? (+1 Stupidity)

Edward asks Bella if she's going to ask questions, and then comments that it bothers him that Bella accepts everything about him so readily. He says, correctly, that it's unnatural. This is meant to paint Bella as a special snowflake, but in reality it just makes her a poorly developed character. Edward wants to know what Bella is thinking, accusing her of editing her thoughts when she speaks them to him ... like every human being on the planet. In short, Edward wants to read Bella's mind. His words give the impression that he thinks he's somehow entitled to know what everyone is thinking at all times, showing no regard for the privacy of others.

Bella says that he doesn't want to hear her thoughts, and there is pain in her voice. Ugh! The chapter's just started and already we have false drama. Her attention whoring was enough to kill the conversation (thank goodness) so they make it to school without subjecting the readers to any more drivel. Surprisingly, Bella thinks of something other than herself for once and asks about Edward's family, noting that they usually went to school in his car. Edward informs her that they took Rosalie's car today.

"They took Rosalie's car." He shrugged as he parked next to a glossy red convertible with the top up. "Ostentatious, isn't it?"

GNIAUG IFDSABRIU IU FSI IIUH VJ V VIJLUHS V VRHAV RWV V VRU IUPYA FEAO VRFEAW VG BVAU9BV RFE8 BVRFEA BVREIUPV RI8EABVG RIU REB UOB REBR BURE BFEDA REA!!!

Sorry, I just had a momentary breakdown from the sheer stupidity of that last sentence. Ostentatious? To describe someone's car? What, is the exterior covered in jewels with flowers dangling from the antenna or something? That would be an ostentatious car. What makes this car ostentatious? The fact that it's red? The fact that its a convertible? Is it any more showy than, say, a silver Volvo? This is an ostentatious car.

I just can't get over it. Ostentatious? Not "showy" or "pretentious" or "flashy," or a dozen other more appropriate words? We get it, Meyer, you know how to use a thesaurus. Please give the poor thing a break. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

They make some comments about how OSTENTATIOUS the car is, which prompts Bella to ask why they took Rosalie's car if they're trying to keep a low profile. Yeah, because everyone is going to take one look at that shiny red car and immediately go "ZOMG VAMPIRES!" Edward's response?

"Hadn't you noticed? I'm breaking all the rules now."

Because Edward is a bad boy rebel, applying his rebel hair gel and his rebel lipstick, doing his rebel eyebrows and driving his rebel Volvo. That didn't even address Bella's question. She asked why they took Rosalie's car. Is Edward implying that none of his other vampire siblings have cars?

Edward sticks close to Bella, who monologues that she wanted to touch Edward but was afraid that he wouldn't like that. Some relationship they've got there, huh?

Bella makes an interesting observation. She asks Edward why they own such flashy cars if they're trying to blend in. Edward's reply is "an indulgence," which again doesn't really address the question. Is he saying that they decided to potentially risk their cover in this town because "oooh, those cars are so nice and shiny!" Rather immature behavior for century-old vampires. Not that it realistically matters. As I said before, nobody is going to think they're vampires just because they're rich, which makes this entire discussion pointless.

Edward further says that everyone in his family likes to drive fast. Now THIS is much more dangerous to their cover. They want to blend in, so they speed down the streets like maniacs? Even if we accept Edward's bullshit excuse about mind-reading allowing him to break the law (which I debunked last chapter), what about his other siblings who don't have his power? Did Meyer put ANY thought whatsoever into this? (+1 Stupidity)

They meet Jessica, who's apparently been transformed into a cartoon character with eyes that bug out of their sockets. She returns Bella's jacket and then Edward says good morning, which causes Jessica to fumble her words.

It wasn't really his fault that his voice was so irresistible. Or what his eyes were capable of.

Sentence. Fragment. Detected.

This is basically a repeat of the restaurant incident, with Meyer once again trying to hammer into our heads how perfect Edward is supposed to be by having other females orgasm at the very sight of him. (+1 Eye Sex)

Jessica rushes away, presumably to clean herself off, and Edward asks Bella what she intends to tell her. He says that Jessica will be waiting to ambush her in class. Bella requests help from Edward, again pleading instead of asking. I assume kneeling and clasped hands are involved. Edward, always the douche, refuses to help her because it wouldn't be "fair." The guy reads people's minds on a regular basis, but THIS is unfair?

Bella points out that not sharing what he knows in this situation is also unfair, and after thinking--my bad, "deliberating"--on the subject, he finally says that Jessica wants to know if they're secretly dating, and also wants to know how Bella feels about him. Apparently Edward is so amazing that the people they pass in the hallways are staring at them (gag). He fixes a stray lock of hair on Bella's head, which makes her heart "sputter hyperactively" (double gag).

Edward says that she can tell Jessica that they're dating, and that he'll be listening in on their conversation so he can hear her answer to the second question. That doesn't sound needy at all, eavesdropping on your girlfriend to hear what she thinks of you (sarcasm). He half-smiles, which makes Bella go short of breath. He then tells Bella that he'll see her at lunch, which makes three people in the hallway stop what they're doing and stare at her.

How many times have I said "we get it, Meyer" in these summaries? I've lost count. Well, I'm about to say it again. We get it, Meyer, Edward is a so special that he can stop traffic with a look and make girls orgasm with a yawn. You don't have to constantly have people overreact to his presence for us to get the point. Why don't you try giving Edward a personality outside of "brooding asshole" or "Gary Stu" so he can actually be interesting?

Bella is irritated because Edward hasn't been very helpful. From the text I get the impression that Meyer wants us to think Edward is being cute, when he's really just being a dick. Isn't it in his best interest, as a vampire trying to live among humans, to make sure that Bella has a good excuse to give Jessica? Does he really think that it's a good idea to withhold advice, thus sending Bella to face Jessica unprepared and risk her saying something that could compromise his cover? Apparently, Edward is too busy being a douchebag to realize this. (+1 Stupidity)

Mike says hello to Bella in class and asks how the shopping trip went. Mike, of course, is mostly interested in how Jessica feels about him, and Bella obliges him with the details of what Jessica said about their date on Monday. Personally I'm glad that Mike got with Jessica, even if it was handled in an insulting way that made it look as if Jessica was Mike's runner-up prize because he couldn't have Bella. I'm also willing to set aside how their hooking up was a little too convenient, occurring at just the right time so that Bella would be free to obsess over Edward without any of those pesky human emotions or complicated human friendships getting in the way. As we all know, Meyer hates conflict.

I'm glad because at least this way we're spared from having to watch Bella, the supposedly average every-teen, get drooled over by anyone with a penis. That's how people treat average girls, right? They are loved by all despite never having anything interesting to say, or even treating their new friends with the slightest bit of consideration. I'm sure having popular friends practically knocking each other over in their rush to spend time with you is a problem all normal girls have. Don't you just hate it when everyone loves you for no real reason?

English and Government passed in a blur, while I worried about how to explain things to Jessica and agonized over whether Edward would really be listening to what I said through the medium of Jess's thoughts. How very inconvenient his little talent could be--when it wasn't saving my life.

A problem Bella wouldn't be having if Edward wasn't being an asshole. Also, Edward's psychic powers never saved her life so far. His super speed and super strength saved her from the van, and he followed Bella in Port Angeles by tracking her scent. He did mention randomly reading people's thoughts, but that hadn't helped him. Continuity is your friend, Meyer.

In another instance of thesaurus rape, we learn that in Meyerland clouds have the ability to oppress people.

The fog had almost dissolved by the end of the second hour, but the day was still dark with low, oppressing clouds. I smiled up at the sky.

Meyer describes them as "oppressing clouds." Not "oppressive," but "oppressing." What, are the clouds demanding that Bella sit on the back of the bus or something? Are they forcing slaves to build the pyramids? So THAT'S how Stonehenge was constructed: by cloud-controlled slave labor! Damn you clouds, I'm on to your game!

William Shatner: CLOOOUDD!

First we learned that the sky can glower, and now the clouds can oppress people! (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Edward was right, of course.

Mustn't forget to put in the "of course" so that it's absolutely clear that Edward is always right, because he's perfect.

Jessica's reaction to Bella is described in such a way that we're meant to see her as a nosy bitch, but, when you look at her actual words, she doesn't say anything a normal person wouldn't say in this situation. She starts by asking what happened that night, and then asks Bella how she managed to get home so fast.

The conversation is pretty straightforward, with nothing of note being said. Jessica asks questions and Bella answers honestly. Again, Meyer's choice of words attempts to paint Jessica as nosy, but I don't think it's unreasonable to be curious about a notorious loner suddenly taking an interest in her new friend, going so far as to follow her across towns. If it were me, having heard that this creepy guy is following her around, I'd have given Bella a rape whistle.

Jessica is so blown away that she stretches out the word "wow" into three syllables. How do you do that, anyway? I can see her maybe going "wa-ow," but how do you get an extra syllable in there? "Wa-ah-ow?" Who talks like that? Meyer writes her response as "w-o-w," which implies that she stretched the word out, but that's not the same as giving it extra syllables.

The rest of the conversation lapses into what Meyer presumes to be girl talk. Are Bella and Edward going on a date? Did he kiss her? Will he kiss her? You should have seen that waitress flirting with him! Yes, the waitress was pretty. Like, OH MY GOD, I think my hair is turning blond!

Jessica describes Edward as "intimidating," and as I read that I could almost feel Meyer nudging me on the shoulder and saying "he's dangerous, I want you to think he's dangerous. Isn't he dangerous? Obey me, reader!" Jessica remembers when Edward "turned the overwhelming force of his eyes on her," and at this point I'm thinking that Edward should start wearing ruby quartz glasses to keep his eye lasers from shooting random people.

Cut to more stilted dialogue that tries to disguise itself as being "smart."

"I do have some trouble with incoherency when I'm around him," I admitted.

Note to Meyer: Throwing in random synonyms does not actually make your character intelligent. If Bella would, for instance, make an astute observation about her situation, or at least show a level of competency above that of a grade-schooler, then I may believe she's a smart person. Simply thumbing through the thesaurus for an intellectual-sounding word is a shallow attempt at best. Her behavior has shown an amazing lack of common sense, but, ooh, she used a five syllable word in a sentence. She must be a bloody genius! In addition to failing to make Bella appear smart, it also makes her dialogue sound wooden.

I LOVE this next part. You really have to read and absorb this to truly wrap your mind around how messed up it is.

"Oh, well. He is unbelievably gorgeous." Jessica shrugged as if this excused any flaws. Which, in her book, it probably did.

Says the girl who instantly forgave being dragged across a parking lot, because he's Edward.

Says the girl who instantly forgave being actively stalked, because he's Edward.

Says the girl who instantly forgave being scowled at and repeatedly ignored, because he's Edward.

Says the girl who explained away a nightmare in which Edward tried to kill her, because he's Edward.

Says the girl who has no problem with Edward being a bloodthirsty vampire who may end up murdering her, because he's Edward.

Says the girl who puts up with thinly veiled threats disguised as warnings, because he's Edward.

Says the girl who didn't mind being picked up and carried like a child, her cries of protests ignored, because he's Edward.

Says the girl who had no trouble with being commanded to eat, even though she wasn't hungry, because he's Edward.

Says the girl who, last chapter, professed her "unconditional and irrevocable" love for a guy she doesn't know because OOOH, HE'S SO HANDSOME AND HIS BREATH CONTAINS A PARALYZING AGENT!

And yet she looks down on JESSICA for excusing Edward's flaws because he's pretty? For that matter, the vast majority of the Twilight fandom is guilty of this; including, most ironically, Stephenie Meyer herself. You see why the above quote is so mind-meltingly awesome? She tries to make Bella appear mature by making Jessica out to be vapid and shallow, when that is exactly how Bella herself behaves. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella: Oh, silly Jessica, childishly fixating on Edward's LOOKS. How shallow can you get? Oh, look, there's Edward. My heart stopped beating as I beheld his angelic face with its bone structure that looked like it was carved by the hands of a master. I couldn't stop staring at his perfectly muscled chest, to which the fabric of his sweater clung. My powers of description are so lacking that I must now take out the thesaurus and pick a hundred adjectives to describe his beauty. Oh, he is so handsome, and cool, and mysterious, and ... and ... I just had one. Sorry, what was I talking about again?

Bella responds.

"There is a lot more to him than that."

Funny, I wish we could SEE these fine qualities of Edward's that extend beyond his looks, but all those pages and pages of flowery prose extolling his beauty are a bit of a distraction.

Jessica asks Bella for an example. Bella says that she can't explain it right, meaning AT ALL. What passes for an explanation is as follows.

"... he's even more unbelievable behind the face." The vampire who wanted to be good--who ran around saving people's lives so he wouldn't be a monster ...

Of course, anyone who has been paying attention will know that this is complete bullshit. Here is a quote taken from chapter eight.

"I followed you to Port Angeles," he admitted, speaking in a rush. "I've never tried to keep a specific person alive before, and it's much more troublesome than I would have believed. ..."

Edward is quite the altruist, how he so unselfishly stalks a girl he just met even though that might end with him brutally murdering her and feasting on her blood. How he so nobly stated in chapter five that, despite this risk, he was going to stick with Bella anyway, because as long as he's going to Hell he may as well do it thoroughly. What a guy!

Jessica wonders if it's even possible for Edward to be more amazing than how he looks. Bella ignores her and pretends to pay attention to the teacher. The rest of the conversation can be summed up thusly:

Jessica: Do you like him?
Bella: I like him.
Jessica: Do you like like him?
Bella: I like like him.
Jessica: Do you like him THIS much?
Bella: I like him a whole lot!
Jessica: WE'RE FEMALES!
Bella: HORRAY!

As if to spare us from more of this drivel, Jessica is called on to answer a question by the teacher. Bella later decides to distract Jessica by waving the subject of Mike in front of her face like she would a ball of yarn in front of a kitten. Jessica immediately takes the bait and they spend their remaining time dissecting everything Mike said. Thankfully this is glossed over and we're not subjected to the actual conversation.

It's time for lunch, and Jessica correctly guesses that Bella won't be sitting with her friends today. Edward is standing right outside her classroom door, an action which, had it been committed by any other boy, would have resulted in Bella snootily labeling the offending party as a dog. Contradicting what Bella had said earlier about Edward's looks, she describes him as "looking more like a Greek god than anyone had a right to." Yeah, and Jessica is the superficial one who excuses Edward's flaws because he's pretty. Bella NEVER does that.

"Hello." His voice was amused and irritated at the same time.

Again, which one of them is psychic? Bella seems able to tell an awful lot from a simple "hello." Bella says "hi," and that is the extent of their conversation. Can't you just feel the unconditional and irrevocable love in the air?

Walking with Edward through the crowded lunchtime rush was a lot like my first day here; everyone stared.

Maybe I should include a "we get it, Meyer" count on this blog? I'd suggest making a drinking game out of it, where every time Meyer needlessly hammers Edward's perfection into our skulls you take a drink, but I like my readership too much to kill them all off with alcohol poisoning.

In the lunchroom, Edward is giving Bella looks. She decides from his facial expression that he's more annoyed than amused, and I assume we're going to hear exactly why shortly. They sit down with their food, where seniors are gazing at them in amazement. If this were the aforementioned drinking game, you'd be taking a shot right now.

Bella is curious if Edward can eat people-food (not people AS food, I mean cafeteria lunch). This causes him to switch to asshat mode. He glares at Bella, takes a bite of pizza, and speaks condescendingly to her. That's not just me interpreting his words, the word "condescendingly" is actually used to describe his tone in the book. He compares eating human food to eating dirt, and Bella says she'd eaten dirt once on a dare.

Edward is distracted by Jessica's thoughts, explaining that she is watching them and analyzing everything he does. The mention of Jessica irritates him further. The subject of the waitress is brought up, and Bella smugly expresses pity for her, saying that she can afford to be generous now. Jealous much? (+1 Bitch)

Edward whines that he didn't like some of the things Bella said to Jessica. Bella points out that that's what he gets for eavesdropping, and that she'd told him he didn't want to know everything she was thinking.

"You did," he agreed, but his voice was still rough. "You aren't precisely right, though. I do want to know what you're thinking--everything. I just wish ... that you wouldn't be thinking some things."

I hadn't really noticed before, but it occurs to me that Meyer REALLY loves dashes.

More importantly, how messed up is that quote? Not only is Edward expressing a desire to invade Bella's private thoughts, he insinuates that he'd like those thoughts to be more to his liking. This would be interesting if this were explored in greater depth, the effects of someone so used to hearing other people's thoughts that what constitutes proper moral conduct in the use of such an ability becomes ambiguous. Unfortunately, Edward's inability to read Bella's mind is just a convenient plot device and a way to make Bella oh so special.

Bella scowls (why is everyone always scowling or glaring or frowning in this book?), offended by the implications of Edward's words, so Edward changes the subject. It turns out that Edward is bothered by how Bella had said that she cares more for Edward that he does for her. They then argue briefly over who loves who more. Edward says that she's wrong, and Bella disagrees.

"What makes you think so?" His liquid topaz eyes were penetrating ...

Liquid topaz? How many things have Edward's eyes been in this book? Now his eyes are made of liquid topaz? Last chapter they were made of honey! If Meyer is trying to give Edward's eyes a new exotic color, she has also failed. Topaz is not a color. In fact, pure topaz stones are colorless. In general topazes appear in a wide variety of colors, so just saying "topaz" to describe his eyes is saying that they could be any number of colors.

To answer the question of how Bella can be sure that Edward doesn't know if she cares for him more, I put forward the simple observation that HE CAN'T READ HER MIND! Just saying.

Bella is completely stumped and struggles to think of an answer to Edward's question. Uh, hello, he can't read your mind. That was one of the subjects of your conversation, remember? Bella asks for some time to think. Uh, Bella? He can't read your mind. Do I have to spell it out for you? She says that sometimes it sounds like he's trying to say goodbye when he's saying something else. She describes this as the best way she could sum up the "sensation of anguish" his words cause her. Ugh!

"Perceptive," he whispered.

AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

*wipes tear*

Moving on. Bella had said "aside from the obvious" as part of her answer, and Edward asks what she meant by that. When I read that line I assumed she'd meant "you can't read my mind," because that couldn't be more obvious if you wrote it on a giant billboard with neon lights. Nope, Bella meant something entirely different, and entirely shallow.

"Well, look at me," I said ...

You can tell where this is going, can't you?

"I'm absolutely ordinary--well, except for the near-death experiences and being so clumsy that I'm almost disabled. ..."

Because no ordinary person ever gets hit by an out-of-control vehicle. You NEVER see that sort of thing on the news, and nobody in the whole world ever gets mugged or raped. Crime is nonexistent, after all. And, oh, is she so clumsy; never mind that we rarely ever see that except when it's convenient for the plot.

But aside from that she is completely ordinary. In fact, she is so ordinary that the whole town of Forks had nothing better to do than to await her arrival (chapter two). She's so unremarkable that people rush to be her friend. I'm certain that average girls have several guys fall in love with them at once all the time, and have to deal with the annoyance of turning down invitations to a dance from potential boyfriends. Meyer, you can't have it both ways. You can't have Bella practically worshipped as a goddess and make her out to be a special snowflake, and then later claim that she's completely ordinary.

"... And look at you." I waved my hand toward him and all his bewildering perfection.

And yet JESSICA is the shallow one who judges people's worth by their looks? Remember, kiddies, people who are pretty can't possibly care that much about you unless your looks are on par with their own. Thus speaketh Bella Swan!

Meyer decides that she wants Bella to be a special snowflake again, so she has it mentioned that every human male in the school wants to play "hide the sausage" with her.

I am not kidding.

I am dead serious.

Every human male.

"You don't see yourself very clearly, you know. I'll admit you're dead-on about the bad things," he chuckled blackly, "but you didn't hear what every human male in this school was thinking on your first day."

What's that sound?

Oh no, my Mary Sue meter just exploded!

Apparently Bella is so super special awesome that every male in the school wants her, also proving that there are no such things as gays and lesbians in Meyerland. Personally I'm just glad that he specified "human" males; I'd hate to think that even the animals want her. *shudders* (+1 Stupidity)

Bella expresses disbelief at Edward's words. I should point out that being extraordinarily beautiful and not knowing it is a common Mary Sue trait, most typically found in poorly written fan fiction. Seriously, this book is starting to remind me of some of the Harry Potter fan fiction I've seen. Embarrassed, Bella steers the conversation back on topic, which prompts Edward to say one of the dumbest things he's said so far.

"Don't you see? That's what proves me right. I care the most, because I can do it"--he shook his head, seeming to struggle with the thought--"if leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."

Edward: Oh, Bella, you silly little human thing. Don't you see that your love can't possibly compare to mine? I can leave you if I have to ... never mind that despite constantly saying that we should stay away from each other I keep stalking you, breaking into your house, and even tracking you across towns. Now listen as I use overly-dramatic wording to describe how I'd do anything to protect you ... despite the fact that even though I believe myself to be a genuine threat to you I keep stalking you, thus contradicting my own warnings to stay away. LOOK, I SPARKLE IN SUNLIGHT!

Also, WOW! Meyer REALLY loves dashes!

I glared. "And you don't think I would do the same?"
"You'd never have to make the choice."

Holy Christ, that's messed up!

Judging by Edward's previous actions and his words just now, it's plain that he simply assumes that he controls when the relationship begins and when it will end. Bella would never have to make the choice of when to leave, because Edward would make it for her. How do people claim that Edward isn't controlling when he does things like this?

This is the kind of relationship that Twilight is heralding as the epitome of romance.

Abruptly, his unpredictable mood shifted again; a mischievous, devastating smile rearranged his features. "Of course, keeping you safe is beginning to feel like a full-time occupation that requires my constant presence."

Oh my goodness, how many times have I seen paragraphs like this in online writers workshops? The awkward wording, the dry tone, the attempt to sound intelligent that comes off as sounding wooden. Paragraphs like these make my inner editor go bonkers. I'm re-writing the above quote in my head right now, in fact.

That aside, I also find it insulting how Bella is painted as weak and in need of rescuing. She is treated like a child who requires constant supervision. This is likely just Edward being possessive and controlling, because so far there hasn't been any indication that she is, in any way, as weak as Edward thinks she is. Unfortunately, accidents and crime happen all the time and can happen to anyone. Neither the van incident nor the near mugging/raping means she's a danger magnet. It just means she lives on Earth.

"No one has tried to do away with me today," I reminded him, grateful for the lighter subject. I didn't want him to talk about goodbyes anymore.

Wait ... did she just imply than being in a life-threatening situation is a lighter topic of discussion than possibly breaking up with Edward? Nah, I probably just imagined it.

I supposed I could purposefully put myself in danger to keep him close.

*stares blankly*

What ... the ... FUCK?

I ... I just ... WOW!

I'm at a loss for words here. I thought I'd seen some stupid shit in this book, but this trumps them all by far! I'm not even sure which point I should give this line. Should I mark it for stupidity because of how incredibly idiotic it is, or should I give Bella a bitch point for being so selfish as to consider intentionally putting herself in danger to emotionally blackmail Edward into staying with her? I think I'll read a little further before deciding.

... I banished that thought before his quick eyes read it on my face. That idea would definitely get me in trouble.

Really? She didn't banish the thought because maybe, just maybe, it is WRONG? Because it is morally reprehensible? Because it is selfish and stupid and cruel? No, she just doesn't want to get caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

Definitely leaning towards bitch points right now.

"Yet," he added.
"Yet," I agreed; I would have argued but now I wanted him to be expecting disasters.

That does it!

Bella is not right in the head. There is no doubt in my mind that she needs psychiatric help. That she considers intentionally putting her own life in danger just to get Edward's attention to be not only a viable option, but also a preferable one, tells me that there is something wrong with her. She is sick, she is selfish, and she needs help. This behavior is crazy, manipulative, and it shows a wanton disregard not only for her own safety, but for the feelings of others so long as she gets what she wants. Double bitch points for her! (+2 Bitch)

Edward asks Bella if she really needs to go to Seattle or if that's just an excuse to get out of going to the dance with any of the boys that asked her. As you know, Bella had pulled that whole trip out of her ass, spur of the moment, to get out of attending the dance.

Bella, not yet done being a bitch, whines at Edward for giving Tyler the opportunity to ask her to the dance. Edward is amused by this, and you can almost see him savoring the memory of manipulating a boy who'd just got back from the hospital after suffering head trauma. Not that anyone had noticed at the time, because everyone had been too busy fawning over their precious Bella Sue, who didn't even have a headache.

Carlisle: What? That boy suffered head trauma in a car accident? Currently bleeding from the head? I see, this is quite serious. He may be concussed so it's important that we--OH MY GOD, THERE'S A MARY SUE IN THE ROOM! Forget that kid, we must give the Mary Sue all of our attention! I don't care if she's not even hurt. For the love of God, she's a Mary Sue! MARY SUE!

Edward asks if Bella would have turned him down if he'd asked her to the dance. Bella says she'd have said yes but canceled later, pleading illness or a sprained ankle. Edward asks why and she says it's because she's so clumsy. Funny how we never see this clumsiness except when it's convenient for her. It's also funny how her supposed clumsiness is never detrimental to her, at least not on screen.

Clumsiness is supposed to be Bella's one real flaw to balance out her character, because it's important that a character have exactly ONE flaw, lest she be accused of being a Mary Sue. However, clumsiness isn't really a character flaw at all. If she has trouble with tripping over things or tasks that require hand-eye coordination (how she drives her truck, in this case, is a mystery to me) then it is not a flaw in her personality. It is not a vice, it's just bad luck. It may pass as a flaw if it ended up placing her in bad situations or causing misunderstandings, but that doesn't happen here. So far the worst it has done was give Edward an opportunity to pick up her books and fetch her car key. It has only ever worked in her favor, and is clearly meant to make her more lovable rather than introducing any real fault in her character.

She talks about her gym performance, yet we have never actually seen her in gym class. We were TOLD that she fumbled the ball or tripped over another player, but we've never actually seen it happen. We never get to see Bella having a flawed moment, we're merely told about it. A singular flaw that, in practice, isn't really a flaw. That is another Mary Sue trait.

Moving on. Edward changes the subject back to the Seattle trip. He asks if Bella is up to doing something else, and Bella says that she's open to suggestions. She does request, however, that she be the one to drive. Edward asks why and she makes a reasonable case for herself, even if that case does revolve around keeping secrets from her fath--I mean, Charlie.

He rolled his eyes. "Of all the things about me that could frighten you, you worry about my driving." He shook his head in disgust ...

Gee, I wonder why Bella could possibly have a problem with a guy who drives at 100 MPH and doesn't pay attention to the road. Edward asks Bella why she's keeping him a secret from Charlie, and Bella gives a non-answer.

"With Charlie, less is always more."

Personally, I don't understand why Bella doesn't trust her father ... at all. Does she think he'll not approve of Edward, even after that speech he gave in chapter two about how much he loves the Cullens?

Edward says that it will be sunny that day so he'll be in hiding, and he invites Bella to come with him. Meyer once again specifically points out that Edward is letting Bella make a decision, which I find insulting because Meyer treats the occurrence of a man letting a woman choose as being somehow special. Bella gets excited, as this means she'll finally find out why he doesn't go out in sunlight. Oh, I can hardly wait until that scene ... like how I eagerly anticipate cancer.

What follows is an insulting exchange that perfectly highlights how their relationship functions.

"Yes." He smiled, and then paused. "But if you don't want to be ... alone with me, I'd still rather you didn't go to Seattle by yourself. I shudder to think of the trouble you could find in a city that size."
I was miffed. "Phoenix is three times bigger than Seattle--just in population. In physical size--"
"But apparently," he interrupted me, "your number wasn't up in Phoenix. So I'd rather you stayed near me." His eyes did that unfair smoldering thing again.

Notice what went on there? Edward is so convinced that Bella is incapable of taking care of herself that he doesn't trust her to take a trip by herself, much the same as a parent would treat his 10 year old kid. When Bella makes a valid point, that she is no stranger to cities and has, in fact, lived in one for most of her life, Edward dismisses her out of hand and insists that she needs to be under his supervision. Listening to him, you'd wonder how Bella had ever managed to survive without his protection.

Interestingly, Edward's attitude towards Bella mirrors how Bella feels about Charlie. As I pointed out in Chapter seven, Bella treats Charlie as if he is a child incapable of feeding himself, despite the fact that he's been living independently since Bella was in diapers. In that same way Edward treats Bella as if she can't take care of herself, which, if her brief description of her life with her mother is any indication, she essentially has been doing for years. In both cases, the first party refuses to listen to the second.

Edward sees Bella as weak, incompetent, and incapable of fending for herself. He doesn't respect her at all, he merely patronizes her. In his mind there is no balance of power in their relationship, because all of the power is his. He thinks he is the one who must make the decisions, as evidenced by an earlier quote in this chapter, and he offers her non-choices as an afterthought. Their relationship is not that of a partnership, it is a master/slave relationship with Edward controlling everything. That is NOT true love. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

Also note the last sentence of the above quote, where Edward attempts to "dazzle" Bella in order to get his own way. Add blatant manipulation to his list of offences this chapter.

I couldn't argue, with the eyes or the motivation, and it was a moot point anyway. "As it happens, I don't mind being alone with you."
"I know," he sighed, brooding.

He knows. Edward knows that Bella isn't going to refuse to spend time with him. So far Edward has given Bella exactly two choices, and both of them have been whether to spend time with him or not. It's not giving her a choice if he only gives her the ones to which he already knows the response. To truly give someone a choice is to open yourself to refusal, which Edward never risked. Therefore, as I stated earlier, Edward has only given Bella non-choices, which only further proves how controlling he is. The illusion of choice is no choice at all.

"You should tell Charlie, though."
"Why in the world would I do that?"
His eyes were suddenly fierce. "To give me some small incentive to bring you back."

On a scale of one to ten, the level of creepiness of Edward's response ranks at "I'm filing a restraining order." It's also telling how Bella thinks so little of her father that she wonders why in the world she would want to fill him in on what's going on in her life.

If someone had said something like that to me I would slowly back away and keep my hand on my cellphone in case I needed to dial 911. The implication here is that Edward may decide to never let Bella go back home, which would be kidnapping.

I gulped, but after a moment of thought, I was sure. "I think I'll take my chances."

Edward has just implied that he might kidnap her, and she finds this preferable to telling her father where she's going. How dumb is this bitch? (+1 Stupidity)

Edward is angered by this, so Bella decides to change the subject. She asks Edward why they went to Goat's Rock, figures out that they went there to hunt bears (after an "isn't it obvious" look from Edward), and points out that bears are out of season.

"If you read carefully, the laws only cover hunting with weapons," he informed me.

Oh REALLY?

The inconvenient thing about the Internet is that it allows access to information on an unprecedented scale, so that if an amateur author who didn't do research tries to bullshit you, you can do the research she didn't and call her out on it. In this case, a quick Google search on Washington laws brought me to this document which defines hunting thusly:

(53) "To hunt" and its derivatives means an effort to kill, injure, capture, or harass a wild animal or wild bird.

I have also cross-referenced this definition with the official pamphlet on Washington state hunting regulations, which can be found here. In both documents, the definition of "to hunt" is the same.

Do you see any mention there about weapons? No? Edward is full of shit! His supposed loophole is made up, as ANY attempt to harm a wild animal is considered hunting in Washington state law, weapons or no.

Edward takes a moment to bask in his own awesomeness as Bella marvels at how he kills bears with his (no pun intended) bare hands. He says that Grizzly is Emmett's favorite. He fails to mention that Emmett prefers to hunt bears in their natural habitat, in dimly lit nightclubs full of men dressed in leather. Emmett is, according to the terminology, a pig. He may also be defined as a "power bottom."

Bella takes a moment to absorb this, then she asks what Edward's favorite is. This wasn't the reaction he was expecting, and he frowns in disapproval before saying "mountain lion." I guess he really does like the pussy.

Edward informs Bella that they try to lessen their impact on the environment by focusing on areas with an overpopulation of predators ... something that does not occur in the natural world unless something happened to radically decrease the amount of available prey. Edward continues to try to impress Bella by talking more about bears and how they're best hunted when they're irritable. Bella doesn't respond with the gushing praise and awe he's expecting, so he finally demands to know what she's really thinking. Bella wants to know how they hunt bears without weapons.

"Oh, we have weapons." He flashed his bright teeth in a brief, threatening smile. I fought back a shiver before it could expose me. "Just not the kind they consider when writing hunting laws. If you've ever seen a bear attack on television, you should be able to visualize Emmett hunting."

Yes, you can certainly visualize Emmett with a mouth full of meat, working his lips over the throbbing organ in order to make it surrender its precious fluid. GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

How does that work anyway? Meyerpires don't have fangs, so they can't easily pierce the flesh to get at the blood (the human canine was not designed for piercing). Simply tearing at the flesh with their teeth would be terribly inefficient, as that would result in splatter and wasted blood. I just started and already I'm putting more thought into this than Meyer has.

Also, as I pointed out, Edward is full of bullshit about the hunting laws. They cover ANY attempt to harm wild animals, so teeth also count. Also, if he considers his teeth to be a weapon, wouldn't that technically violate his own made-up loophole? More importantly, this shows that Edward has absolutely no respect for the law. There is a word for what he does. It's called "poaching," and that makes him a criminal. You can be jailed for that.

Bella asks if she could see them hunt someday, which causes Edward to go batshit crazy and snap at her furiously, so much so that Bella is frightened by his reaction. Yeah, that "unconditional and irrevocable" love is simply palpable, isn't it?

Bella asks if seeing them hunt would be too scary for her, and Edward cuttingly responds that she needs a good dose of fear. Bella asks why, and Edward just glares at her and changes the subject entirely. That's how loving boyfriends behave, right? They snap at you angrily and then change the subject rather than explain themselves. A hint to the impressionable young girls out there: IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT AT ALL! If your boy behaves in such a manner it is not romantic, it makes him a jerk!

Bella realizes that the lunch period is over, and on that note the chapter finally ends.

I'm normally a patient person when it comes to books. You may not guess it from these summaries, but I still hold out some hope that something will happen to redeem this book. Ten chapters in, and nothing yet. I am not actively out to hate this book, there is simply nothing in it so far for me to like. I don't expect any avid fans to believe this, as they tend to think that only someone with an agenda could possibly dislike their precious book, but I'm fairly certain that the majority of the Twilight antis are of a similar mind as I am and can understand where I'm coming from.

Oh, and remember that prediction I made at the beginning of this summary? I was right, bonus points and all.

I need a drink.

Final Tally:

+6 Stupidity
+3 Bitch
+2 Eye Sex
+2 Bad Boyfriend
+2 Thesaurus Rape

Twilight - Chapter Nine

2009-10-15T19:28:00.005-04:00

This book is unconditionally and irrevocably boring.

Ugh! This is going to be painful. You see, this is an Edward-heavy chapter. I've made no secret of my intense dislike of Sparkedouche, so the thought of having to plow through a chapter of him and Bella talking promises to be an assault on the senses. Well, no use bitching about it. May as well just jump in and get this over with.

The chapter begins with Bella pleading with Edward to let her ask one more question. "Plead" is an unnecessarily strong word to use in this case, but this is Twilight so this kind of thing is par for the course. Edward, meanwhile, is portrayed to be so cool that he can drive crazy fast and doesn't even have to pay attention to the road. Reckless endangerment FTW!

He agrees to an additional question and Bella asks how Edward knew that she hadn't gone into the book store. Edward says that he followed Bella's smell. How exactly does that work anyway? The human sense of smell isn't strong enough for that, and I don't see how being undead can help. I know this seems like a small nitpick, and in another vampire story I wouldn't think twice about it, but Twilight is different. You see, Stephanie Meyer herself has claimed that HER vampires are based on science rather than mysticism. That claim changes the entire game.

It's one thing to write a story with magical, follows-its-own-rules vampires, but when you try to bring science into the equation it raises a ton of questions that you'd better be able to explain. I could sit here and describe all the ways that Meyerpires are a scientific impossibility but I don't have to. Much of the work has already been done in this brilliantly detailed essay on how Meyer's "scientific" vampires are complete bullshit.

Moving on. Bella decides, and rightfully so, to keep pressing Edward now that he is finally giving her answers. She points out that he hadn't answered one of her earlier questions, the one about the mind-reading. You know, the question that Bella had just pulled out of her ass last chapter?

"How does it work--the mind-reading thing? Can you read anybody's mind, anywhere? How do you do it? Can the rest of your family ...?" I felt silly, asking for clarification on make-believe.

Wait! Hold on one bloody second! Make-believe? As I pointed out last chapter, Bella had pulled the mind-reading question out of thin air, with no explanation given for how she came to that conclusion about Edward. After all, she'd never previously thought of Edward as psychic and no real clue had been given to point her in that direction. It came straight out of her ass. Given this, I am likely to believe that when Bella says "make-believe" she means "I made the whole thing up" as well as "psychic powers do not exist."

There are several ways this can be taken. Bella is either so super special awesome that she deduced Edward's psychic abilities with zero evidence to work with, that she took a random guess and got lucky (again, because she's so super special awesome), or, and I think this one is most likely, Meyer messed up and had her self-insert ask about mind-reading, forgetting that the characters in her book aren't supposed to automatically know everything she knows. In either case, this is more sloppiness from Meyer. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward gripes that that is more than one question, but answers. He explains that only he can read minds and that he has to be "fairly close" to someone in order to read his or her thoughts. However, the more "familiar" one's mental voice is, the further away he can hear it. Even so, no more than a few miles ... a few miles isn't "fairly close" so I assume that only applies to familiar voices.

Edward makes a fairly believable case for how his psychic powers work, describing it as being in a room full of people talking at once. I have no complaints here, though how psychic powers are possible in a "scientific" vampire is beyond me. I'll just go with it, since I don't want to be here all day pointing out the implausibility of that. Why on Earth did Meyer have to claim to base her vamps on science when they have superpowers? What, vampires burning in the sun sounds too mystical to Meyer (she's said so herself) but mind-reading doesn't?

Bella asks Edward why he can't read her mind, which makes this even more ridiculous when you consider that not only had Bella concluded that Edward is psychic, but also correctly guessed a very specific limitation to his power. All of this with no real evidence to work with and no deliberation on the matter that we've seen. Move over Sherlock Holmes, Bella "Mary Sue" Swan makes you look like a novice.

Edward isn't sure why, but speculates that perhaps Bella's mind works differently from an average person's, which is Sue talk for "because you're just that special!" While there is no real explanation for this in the books, Meyer has gone on record as saying that it's because Bella has a "private mind," whatever that's supposed to mean. I think a more likely explanation is that Bella's mind can't be read because girlfriend ain't got nothing going on upstairs.

Because Bella cannot resist the urge to make everything about her, she then proceeds to whine that she's a freak because her mind can't be read. In a rare moment when I actually agree with Edward, he comes back with this.

"I hear voices in my mind and you're worried that you're the freak," he laughed. "Don't worry, it's just a theory. ..." His face tightened. "Which brings us back to you."

Edward begins to press Bella to answer his question, but then Bella looks at the speedometer and curses ... at least, she utters what passes for a curse in this book.

"Holy crow!" I shouted. "Slow down!"

Holy crow? HOLY FUCKING CROW? Dear God, that's lame. I would have even settled for a "holy cow" out of her, but "holy crow?" I have nothing against authors who don't want their characters to swear, especially in young adult literature, but if you're going to put in a substitute for an expletive I expect something that doesn't sound like Ned Flanders should be saying it. (+1 Stupidity)

The source of the sacred crows is the fact that Edward is driving at 100 MPH. Factor in how, as has been established earlier, Edward is not really paying attention to the road and you can see why Bella is not exactly thrilled by this. One silly paragraph later, in which the wilderness is likened to a wall of steel (so stupid!), and Edward treats Bella like a child, rolling his eyes at her for having a problem with being in a car driving at 100 MPH with a guy who's not even paying attention to the road.

"Relax, Bella." He rolled his eyes, still not slowing.
"Are you trying to kill us?" I demanded.

And now I'm agreeing with Bella. I don't care how super special awesome Edward is supposed to be, driving crazy fast is just plain idiotic, to say nothing of the danger he is introducing to himself and everyone around him. Aren't Edward and his family trying to blend in with the locals? Yeah, because nothing says "inconspicuous" like speeding through the streets like a maniac.

"We're not going to crash."
I tried to modulate my voice. "Why are you in such a hurry?"

I see that the thesaurus is still getting a good anal reaming. Technically "modulate" is not the wrong word, but in this context it is ridiculous. Meyer's problem is that she selects words without regard for context. If I were in a car with a speeding maniac I would not try to "modulate" my voice, I would try to "calm" my voice or "control" my tone. Those words work because by attempting to "calm" or "control" my voice it implies that it is neither calm nor controlled, which reflects the panic I'd naturally be feeling in that situation.

The word "modulate" does not work because it has no such connotation. Modulating is more commonly something you do to an instrument or a frequency, or to your own voice in the context of singing. It is a technical term which is out of place in an emotional situation. The way Meyer uses it here, it makes Bella sound like a robot. Got that? Great. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

"I always drive like this." He turned and smiled crookedly at me.
"Keep your eyes on the road!"

Yes, Edward, keep your eyes on the road and off of Bella's breasts. I was going to ask, once again, where the police are, but now Meyer attempts to explain why nobody in this book gets pulled over.

"I've never been in an accident, Bella--I've never even gotten a ticket." He grinned and tapped his forehead. "Built-in radar detector."

I said that Meyer ATTEMPTS to explain, not that she does so successfully. I am now going to list all of the things that are wrong with that statement.

1. Radar detector? Last time I checked, machines don't have minds. Psychic powers would do no good against a radar gun.

2. Even if Edward meant that he can detect cops, that still doesn't work. Police don't stand around thinking that they're police. Their thoughts would be indistinguishable from that of an average person's. In a populated area, where he'd be hearing everyone's thoughts at once, he'd have a hard time picking out a cop's thoughts from the flood of voices in his head.

3. Even if he catches the odd cop thinking about doing cop things, Edward stated that his powers have a limited range and that he has to be "fairly close" in order to hear a stranger's thoughts. Therefore he would not have enough time to react before being detected, especially if he's going 100 MPH. He wouldn't have enough time to slow down to the current speed limit.

4. Inanimate objects also don't have minds. Even for Edward, taking his eyes off the road while speeding is incredibly stupid. One unexpected obstacle such as a fallen tree, a damaged road, etc, and he'll have one hell of a repair bill on his hands.

5. Even with psychic powers, it takes only one moment of distraction to cause a fatal car crash or run over a pedestrian. Just one moment in which he notices too late and lives will be lost. It doesn't matter that he has super special awesome sparklepire reflexes. The ability of his car to react to his input would be the limiting factor, so even with all his super speed he would not be able to stop his car in time. Pesky laws of physics.

6. Given how often we've seen Edward not paying attention and taking his eyes off of the road, numbers 4 and 5 are looking increasingly likely to happen.

As you can see, Meyer is so full of bullshit that her blood should be packaged and sold as fertilizer. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella point out that her father is a cop and that she was raised to obey traffic laws. Given her feelings towards her father, this is less of a sign of respect for Charlie and more of an excuse to get Edward to slow down. She further says that if they do get into a car crash, Edward could probably walk away. Edward agrees and realizes that Bella, puny human that she is, would not be able to do the same. He finally slows down, but only to 80 MPH. Edward complains that he hates driving "slow."

Remember kiddies, traffic laws are for losers. It's cool to do 100 MPH while barely paying attention to the road. God will give you a beer when you meet him in Heaven. Get it? Because you'd be dead. Har har har!

Edward snaps at Bella for commenting on his driving and asks her to tell him her latest theory. He looks at her with eyes made of honey.

I bit my lip. He looked down at me, his honey eyes unexpectedly gentle.

Where's Winnie the Pooh when you need him? Get it? Eyes made of honey? Pooh loves to eat honey? HAR HAR HAR!

*SLAP*

Ow! Okay, I'll stop explaining the jokes now.

Bella says that she's afraid that Edward will be angry with her if she tells. Considering that Bella had just told Edward that he has psychic powers, I don't think vampirism is that big of a stretch. I mean, if this were a "I must kill you because you know too much" kind of situation, Bella's mangled body would be lying in the woods by now. Edward coaxes Bella into starting her story from the beginning, and this gets Bella started. Get comfy, folks, because this is the part where we get to recap the events of La Push in excruciating detail.

Gee golly, nonsense conversation and a re-treading of an event that happened a short while ago. ISN'T THIS EXCITING?

"We went for a walk--" I edited all my scheming out of the story ...

Indeed. Can't have your boy toy know that you've been flirting with other boys behind his back. I don't know why Bella bothers. Given Edward's track record, the story of how Bella manipulated an innocent boy's feelings and used him to get information would probably just make him laugh. Did I mention that Bella is a bitch? (+1 Bitch)

Bella tells Edward about the stuff Jacob told him, even though Bella had promised him that she would keep it a secret. Here is a small excerpt from that chapter to prove it.

"Don't worry, I won't give you away."
"I guess I just violated the treaty," he laughed.
"I'll take it to the grave," I promised, and then I shivered.

The above quote was taken from chapter six. OH, HAR HAR HAR! I see what Meyer did there! Get it? The Cullens are vampires? Bella says she'll "take it to the grave" and shivers? Oh, Meyer, you are such a card. HAR HAR HAR!

*SLAP!*

OW! Okay, I'll really stop it this time. I promise. I'll take this promise ... *winks* ... TO THE GRAVE! HAR HAR HAR!

*PUNCH!*

I needed that. I think this book is actually starting to drain away my sanity.

Anyway, Bella is a lying liar who tells lies. Suddenly developing a conscience, Bella tries to protect Jacob by telling Edward of all the trickery she'd used to get the information out of him. If she was really worried about Jacob she should have, I don't know, actually kept the secret she'd promised to keep.

Hearing that she's tricked Jacob into spilling the beans, Edward laughs. I so totally called that. Didn't I call it? God, Edward is a douchebag. He asks Bella how she tricked him, and she admits that she flirted the information out of him. Still in douche mode, Edward is amused.

"I'd like to have seen that." He chuckled darkly. "And you accused me of dazzling people--poor Jacob Black."

Poor Jacob Black indeed. First he's used and manipulated, and now the tale of how he was used has become Edward chuckle fodder. I bet Edward was that one guy in the theater who laughed when Bambi's mother died. Does this guy spend his days sitting around and dreaming of new ways to be a douche? This is what so many girls think of as perfect boyfriend material?

Edward asks what Bella did after that, and she tells him that she did research on the Internet.

"And did that convince you?" His voice sounded barely interested. But his hands were clamped hard onto the steering wheel.

Isn't that where his hands should be? Also, nice sentence fragment there, putting the "but" after a full stop even though the clause it was introducing doesn't stand on its own. She should have used a comma.

"No, nothing fit. Most of it was kind of silly. And then ..." I stopped.

Really? Nothing fit? We've went over her research in chapter seven, but to spare you from having to go back and read through that again, I'll give you the gist of it.

Here we have Edward, who is pale, beautiful, fast, and strong. In Bella's research (which was a complete bastardization of the vampire mythos) she came across descriptions of vampires that characterized then as "beautiful, pale-skinned humans" and also as "strong and fast." Ring a bell?

I suppose that Bella's completely wrong statement does fall into line with what she'd thought before. When she was doing the research she claimed that nothing fit her criteria for vampires, even though things like "blood drinking" and "immortality" were on her list of vampire attributes. This is also the same girl who, after researching vampires, was shocked when the Cullens didn't show up for school on a sunny day. Bella really is Meyer's self-insert; they both fail epically at research. (+1 Stupidity)

Even Edward is surprised at her stupidity.

"What?"
"I decided it didn't matter," I whispered.
"It didn't matter?" His tone made me look up--I had finally broken through his carefully composed mask. His face was incredulous, with just a hint of the anger I'd feared.
"No," I said softly. "It doesn't matter to me what you are."
A hard, mocking edge entered his voice. "You don't care if I'm a monster? If I'm not human?"

Please, please, PLEASE let this just be a ploy to get Edward to come out of his shell. I beg you, Stephanie Meyer, don't make Bella THAT stupid! (+1 Stupidity)

As I said, even Edward thinks this is stupid. He calls Bella insane, and this is the third time I find myself agreeing with one of the characters. This is a new record for me. Bella asks him about his age, and Edward admits that he's been seventeen years old for "a while." The next part of the conversation is all about establishing that her vampires are different.

Bella is taking this a LOT better than she should. The real problem I have with this whole chapter is that it is sucking any possibility of an actual plot out of this book. I mentioned earlier (chapter seven) that how Bella learns of Edward's vampirism could have been a major driving force for this book. Imagine Bella suspecting that Edward is a vampire and searching for proof to back her up, knowing that she should probably leave it alone but unable to resist the dark allure of this mysterious stranger. THAT would make a damn good read. Instead, here is how it went.

Jacob: The Cullens are totally vampires, and I will now not-so-subtly hint that my tribe are werewolves. I shouldn't be telling you this, but I'm a male, and in this book men have the brains of chimps and would sell their very souls for the slightest promise of boob. Oops, I just broke my tribe's sacred treaty that I am sworn to uphold. Oh, butter fingers!

Bella: I will now do research on the internet, somehow blame Forks for the research not being what I wanted it to be, and then have an emo moment in the forest.

Edward: Yes, I am totally a vampire, and also I have psychic powers. I should probably try to deny this, but you did research on the internet and listened to a story told by some kid you haven't seen in years. How can I possibly fight that? Oops, I just broke my family's pact to protect our terrible secret. Oh, butter fingers!

With such epic secret-keeping skills, it's a wonder that Forks hasn't received a social call from Van Helsing.

This book's true crime is that it has so much potential to be a good book, possibly even a great book, but it shoots its narrative load in the first few chapters so that there's nothing left to carry the story through the rest of the book. It squanders and ignores any chance to make the story the least bit interesting. Meyer is not a writer, she is a no-talent amateur who wouldn't know a good story if it sodomized her at a cocktail party.

Moving on. Edward points out that Bella hasn't yet asked the most important question. It should be fairly obvious to anyone over the age of 10, but Bella is stumped.

"You aren't concerned about my diet?" he asked sarcastically.
"Oh," I murmured, "that."
"Yes, that." His voice was bleak. "Don't you want to know if I drink blood?"

And people say this girl is smart BECAUSE? (+1 Stupidity)

Meyer constantly searches out the strongest, most dramatic-sounding words to describe even the simplest of things. Bella is never just sad, she is "spiraling down into misery." She is never merely disappointed, she is "trapped in desolation" or some such. In this case, Edward isn't merely sad or nervous, he is "bleak." Words like these are so overused that, for me at least, they lose their impact. Now everything that happens in this book fails to elicit much more than a "meh" from me. The closest I get to feeling anything about this book is irritation at Bella's stupidity and general bitchiness, and outrage at Edward's abusive behavior. Does soul-crushing boredom count as an emotional reaction? I get plenty of that, too.

Bella is not done ratting out Jacob, because she now tells Edward about how he'd told her that the Cullens don't hunt humans. Sensing the perfect opportunity to play up his bad boy persona, Edward goes on about how he is dangerous and, ooh, it is such a mistake for him to be alone with her.

Really, he says that.

"We try," he explained slowly. "We're usually very good at what we do. Sometimes we make mistakes. Me, for example, allowing myself to be alone with you."

Allow? ALLOW!?

*bangs head on desk*

I apologize for the caps lock rape to follow.

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO FUCKING STALKED HER ACROSS TOWNS YOU CREEPY, AMNESIC, VAMPIRE DOUCHEBAG! ALLOW? YOU FUCKING FOLLOWED HER, DISMISSED HER FRIENDS, AND PRACTICALLY DEMANDED TO BE ALONE WITH HER! GOD DAMN I HATE YOU!

"This is a mistake?" I heard the sadness in my voice, but I didn't know if he could as well.

I find it funny that Bella rags on Mike for escorting her to class and inviting her on trips, calling him a dog, and then she turns around and acts even worse when it comes to Edward. Hypocrite, much?

"A very dangerous one," he murmured.

And yet HE KEEPS STALKING HER! I would be much more sympathetic if Edward had actually tried to protect Bella from himself but she refused to leave him alone. It's the opposite here. For all of Bella's whining whenever Edward doesn't come to class, she at least keeps her obsession to herself. Edward follows her around, sneaks into her bedroom at night, becomes possessive and abusive whenever they're together, and then he turns around and acts as if it's not his fault. He stalks Bella and then says "stay away" as if that somehow makes him conscientious. IT DOESN'T! It makes him a low-life hypocritical stalker who has absolutely no control over his undead penis. (+1 Bad Boyfriend)

Bella describes the headlights in a way that makes absolutely no sense.

I watched the headlights twist with the curves of the road. They moved too fast; it didn't look real, it looked like a video game.

Has Meyer ever actually played a video game? Also, how can light move too fast? It's LIGHT! Nothing in the known universe moves faster than light.

Bella becomes desperate when she realizes that their conversation might actually end. With all the composure of a crack addict begging for another fix, she begs Edward to say something else.

His words hinted at an end, and I recoiled from the idea. I couldn't waste one minute I had with him.
"Tell me more," I asked desperately, not caring what he said, just so I could hear his voice again.

And MIKE is the pathetic dog? Even Edward is surprised by this outburst.

He looked at me quickly, startled by the change in my tone.

Bella is so desperate that she actually starts shedding tears and getting depressed.

The creepiness levels are rising sharply. I can understand wanting to spend time with someone, but this is how serial killer movies start. Really, Meyer, this is not romantic. People get psychiatric help for this kind of overly dependant behavior.

She asks why the vampires feed on animals instead of people. Edward says it's because they don't want to be monsters. Not exactly the mentality one would expect from a vampire, an undead being who is not human. To a vampire, humans ARE animals. They are food, and you don't fall in love with your dinner.

I weep for the fate that has befallen the vampire. They went from dark and deadly creatures of the night to "vegetarian" emo kids that sparkle. They went from hanging out in castles and crypts to attending high school and shopping at Hot Topic. Why is it that our horror monsters are being wussified? Vampires are sparkly sex objects, and you can't call a zombie a zombie; they prefer to be called "the infected." What's next, will they have Freddie Krueger talk out his issues over tea and crumpets?

I digress. Speaking of vegetarians, Edward explains the reference here. I have to say, the way he puts it does make sense to me. I still think applying the term "vegetarian" to vampires is idiotic, but as a joking analogy for how animal blood doesn't satisfy them it does make sense. I just wish Meyer had chosen an analogy that didn't make vampires look like pussies.

Edward tries to keep up his bad boy image, including veiled threats in his answers to Bella. Okay, I get it, he's dangerous, even though he hasn't done a single thing to prove how dangerous he is outside of acting like a creepy stalker dickhead. Just give it a rest, Meyer. You don't have to say "he's dangerous" several times a page to make the point.

"But you're not hungry now," I said confidently--stating, not asking.

How much of an amateur is Meyer? Of course we know that she's making a statement and not a question. You'd think that the absence of a question mark in that sentence would have been a dead giveaway. Get it? "Dead" giveaway ... because she's talking to a ... *sigh*

I'm too tired of this book to even do that joke.

Edward once again calls Bella observant, and it is no less funny now than it was last chapter. Edward had to bring up blood drinking in this conversation about vampires, and Bella is the observant one? Edward laughs, and Bella commits his laugh to memory. That is not obsessive at all.

Bella asks if Edward is going "hunting" with Emmett again. Yes, they're going to have a gay old romp through the wilderness, grasping hold on that meat and sucking the precious fluid from their conquest. That meat will be hard to pursue. They will have to pound that meat furiously before it surrenders its fluid and goes limp.

What? I'm talking about hunting and drinking the blood of animals. GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

Edward says that he didn't want to leave Bella, but that he had to feed in order to maintain control around her. Bella asks why he didn't want to leave.

"It makes me ... anxious ... to be away from you."

This from the person who constantly says that it's such a big mistake for them to be near each other and that they should stay away. Does this guy have a split personality or something? Clearly he has no intention of taking his own advice, or of allowing Bella to take his advice. Even if she did try to stay away as recommended, Edward would just stalk her anyway.

What does it say that the female lead, at least in Edward's mind, is so completely helpless that he must constantly watch over her as if she were an infant? Oh no, Bella is trying to cross the street all by herself. I must rescue her! Edward points out the muggers/rapists/whatever and the scrapes on Bella hands she got when she tripped as proof. Never mind that both of those things could happen to just about anyone and are not proof of someone being especially clumsy or a danger magnet.

However, this is Twilight so this means that Bella is such a special snowflake that anything bad that could happen will automatically zero in on her, but only in those times when Edward or some other man are within rescuing distance.

Edward says that he got back from having wild monkey sex--I mean, "hunting" with Emmett on Sunday. Bella doesn't like this.

"Then why weren't any of you in school?" I was frustrated, almost angry as I thought of how much disappointment I had suffered because of his absence.

Note the possessiveness of Bella's response, as if the Cullen family are beholden to her and what she personally feels is all their fault. And she thinks MIKE is territorial? It's not their fault that she got depressed because they skipped school. It's Bella's fault for not having a fucking life!

Edward says that they don't go out in the sunlight where people can see. Bella asks why, and he says "I'll show you sometime." Oh, how I dread THAT scene.

"You might have called me," I decided.

With the phone number that she didn't give him? Who am I kidding, Edward probably read their phone bills while he was sneaking into their house.

What is this presumption she has that Edward is obligated to call her anyway? They had barely even spoken to each other at that point, and suddenly Edward has to call her? Moving a little fast aren't you, Bella? (+1 Bitch)

Bella whines that she didn't know where he was, again being overly possessive and dependant.

"What?" His velvety voice was compelling.

JESUS CHRIST ON A UNICYCLE! Even one word replies get the adjective treatment. Sometimes less is more, Meyer. Not everything needs flowery descriptions.

Bella spills her obsessive guts, telling Edward that she can't stand being away from him. This does not please the sparkledouche, because only HE is allowed to be obsessive, damn it!

"Ah," he groaned quietly. "This is wrong."
I couldn't understand his response. "What did I say?"

*opens mouth and raises hand*

Where do we even begin, Bella? I won't go over it now because we've already covered where Bella went wrong.

Edward says that it's one thing for him to be an obsessive stalker douchebag, but he can't have Bella acting the same way. In other words, it's okay for Edward to do things like follow her across town and break into her house at night, but it's wrong if Bella actually starts to reciprocate his feelings.

"It's wrong. It's not safe. I'm dangerous, Bella--please grasp that."

I'm dangerous, Bella (applies hair gel). I'm not safe (puts on mascara). This is wrong (attends pedicure appointment). I'm no good for you (performs in poetry slam). THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER (does fingernails)! Can't you see how intimidating I am? Why aren't you intimidated? I'm a metrosexual vampire. If I lose control I might ... I might ... redecorate your house, and I would SO mess up the feng shui. The horror!

Bella throws a tantrum and she and Edward argue a bit over how dangerous he is.

"Are you crying?" He sounded appalled.

As am I. Appalled, I mean. Not just with the crying, but with this whole book. When will this chapter end already? I've never been so bored in ages. Bella checks her eyes and, I shit you not, the following words are written.

... traitor tears were there, betraying me.

It takes a special kind of bad to unintentionally write a line that sound like it should be an internet meme. (+1 Stupidity)

Oh, and one more for crying. (+1 Wangst)

Edward asks what Bella was thinking about just before he arrived. You know, when she was about to be raped/mugged/bullied or whatever those guys were going to do. What kind of a question is that? How did he notice her expression when he was doing stunts in his Volvo anyway? You'd think that in such a situation he would have bigger things on his mind than what Bella's expression looked like.

After talking a little about the incident they finally reach Forks and Bella wants to know if she'll see Edward tomorrow. He says yes, causing Bella to launch into flowery prose. She returns Edward's jacket, but not before smelling it again. Edward offers her the jacket, but she says that she doesn't want to have to explain it to her fath--I mean, Charlie.

Edward asks for Bella to promise him something, and she agrees.

"Yes," I said, and instantly regretted my unconditional agreement. What if he asked me to stay away from him? I couldn't keep that promise.

I get it, you're obsessed. Can we move on now? Also, I'd hardly think that he would ask that considering that he, just a second ago, promised to save her a seat at lunch. Edward wants Bella to not go into the woods alone. She asks him why.

"I'm not always the most dangerous thing out there. Let's leave it at that."

At this point I find squirrels more threatening than this douchebag. I would more easily buy the whole "I'm dangerous" thing if Meyer actually demonstrated it. Perhaps have Edward momentarily lose control and nearly hurt someone. Just repeating "I'm dangerous" ad nauseam does not make him dangerous. You need to show some evidence. Edward talks a lot of shit, but he doesn't actually DO anything!

It's time for Bella to leave, but not before Edward can get the last word.

"Bella?" I turned and he was leaning toward me, his pale, glorious face just inches from mine. My heart stopped beating.

You have got to be kidding. Her fucking heart stopped beating? Shouldn't she be on the floor suffering from cardiac arrest? (+1 Eye Sex)

"Sleep well," he said. His breath blew in my face, stunning me.

So ... he has chloroform breath?

It was the same exquisite scent that clung to his jacket, but in a more concentrated form.

Are you saying that Edward breathes onto his clothes until they smell like his breath? Or is it that he gargles with cologne? Damn this book is disgusting.

Bella acts as if she'd been drugged as she approaches her house. When she goes inside her fath--damn it, I mean Charlie--comments that she's back early. Apparently it isn't even 8 o'clock yet. Considering that they'd arrived at Port Angeles at 4 that means Bella went dress shopping, wandered around aimlessly (which, if you read back, you'd know took more than an hour by itself), had dinner, and got home (making an hour and a half drive in 20 minutes, by the way) in under 4 hours. That makes perfect sense! (+1 Stupidity)

Charlie asks about the trip, and Bella tries to remember "all the way back" to the dress shopping, even though that had only happened a couple of hours ago. Charlie shows some parental concern, and Bella answers his questions. She goes into the kitchen and describes how exhausted and dizzy she feels, which makes no sense because she hadn't been that physically active for the past couple of hours.

She receives a call from Jessica, and Bella informs her that she left her jacket in her car. Jessica wants to know what happened between her and Edward, but Bella brushes her off with the promise to tell her at school the next day. Meyer describes Jessica as impatient, even though Jessica speaks no words that could be described as such.

She goes upstairs and gets ready for bed. Even though she describes her shower water as so hot that it burns her skin, she is freezing and "shudders violently" for several whole minutes. Being that she'd just spent the last 20 minutes in Edward's car, we can only assume that she's so cold because the douchebag couldn't have been bothered to turn the heater on. She struggles to keep warm, hugging herself to preserve body heat. Wow ... Edward must have turned the air conditioning on instead of the heater. Asshole.

*sigh*

And now comes one of the parts of this book that I've been dreading. The chapter ends with the biggest "fuck you" to sanity and common sense yet.

I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

Let's get this out of the way first. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Now that we've done that ... WHAT THE FUCK?

I'm sorry, that's just about the only thing I can think of to say right now. What the fuck? Despite the fact that they do not know each other, know next to nothing about each other, and despite the fact that the total amount of time they spent together is about the time it would take to roast a ham, she is now "unconditionally and irrevocably" in love with him? No gradual build up? No getting to know each other? Just BAM, and she's in love? Again, what the fuck? (+1 Stupidity)

God, this book is awful. How does this book get away with being so terrible? That people consider this good writing makes me weep for how low standards have sunk. Words cannot describe my disgust with this book. I keep holding out some hope that this will get better, that something will happen to redeem this book. No such luck.

I need a drink.

Final Tally:

+9 Stupidity
+2 Thesaurus Rape
+2 Bitch
+1 Wangst
+1 Eye Sex
+1 Bad Boyfriend

New chapter forthcoming.

2009-09-20T06:44:00.003-04:00

Just a quick update. The next chapter is on its way. The past month I have been busily working on my own novel, the first draft of which is nearing its completion. Since I'm so close to being finished I decided to focus my efforts of completing it. I'm already reading over the next chapter of Twilight and will begin work on the next blog entry.

Thank you for your patience and understanding. Rest assured that this blog will be back in full swing soon.